She'd been re-examined and brought to radiation, John had barely seen her since this morning when Michael came by on his break.
"Hey brother" he said, sitting down.
"Hey Mikey" he said.
"She's still in radiation?"
"yeah"
"Have you seen Liam?"
"yeah, Mom came by with him awhile ago"
"You didn't go back with them?"
"I can't leave her" he said.
"You're going to lose your mind if you don't leave here at some point"
"I'll be fine" he said, "I'd lose my mind if I left"
"You have any questions?"
"Do you really think the radiation is going to work?"
"Yeah" he said, "Especially if they got the tumor in surgery, and since she went right to radiation, I'm betting they did"
"So how long is this going to last?"
"Depends" he said, "A few days to make sure she's taking to it, if not, it'll be longer"
"She's going to be okay?"
"How many times are you going to ask me that?" he said, "She's going to come out of this a little worse for wear, but she's Natalie. She's going to be just fine"
"I just need to hear it. Yesterday she said she was on her deathbed, I almost lost it"
"She's not, John"
"That's what I told her, that she couldn't be, because I can't picture a world without her in it"
"You guys are going to be fine" Michael said.
"You know before I left, she'd started dropping hints about proposing again"
"I don't think it was any secret that's what she wanted, John"
"No, it wasn't, but I don't know, I guess something must have changed" he said, "And I was going to do it, you know? I was going to ring the doorbell when I got back so she'd open it to me on one knee" he said, "I just never came home"
"She would have loved that"
"I know" he said, "The ring's still in my bag, I never gave it back to Mom"
"You have it?"
"Well, its in the car I rented, but I don't remember where I parked it"
"Of course you don't. You did storm in here pretty out of it"
"I couldn't think straight, nothing else mattered but getting back to her"
"You did get back to her, John"
"For however long she lets me"
"Well, why don't you go find that car and get the ring?"
"I thought about it" he said, "but she wouldn't say yes, at least not now, not here" he said, "She'd think I was just doing it because she's sick and she'd feel pitied and she gets that enough elsewhere"
"You really do know her"
"She said she'd had problems with her dad, I can only imagine how much that sucked by herself"
"You two always got each other" he said, "I never really got it, not til the tornado. You didn't leave her side until her mom got there"
"She lost so much blood, and she was unconscious, I couldn't leave her. And when she woke up she yelled at me for not getting checked out" he said, "But she always put me before herself, she said someone had to put me first, especially since I didn't"
"She's good for you, brother. You're human when you're with her, you look alive"
"That's why she needs to be okay. I can't do this by myself"
"Did she tell you about the restraining order, and that her dad took it out"
"No she didn't" he said, "But I should have known that. She'd never-"
"Yeah, I didn't even know any of that was happening at all- she said she'd rescinded them-"
"Yeah, the FBI withheld that information from me" he said.
"Wow"
"yeah, I was pretty pissed"
"I bet"
They were interrupted when they brought her back, and John was heading towards the room before he could even think about it. He stopped right before he went in to tell Michael they'd talk later.
"Go ahead, brother. I couldn't keep you away if I wanted to"
He looked down and headed to the chair next to her bed, where he'd spent most of the last day. He took her hand, brushed her hair out of her face and took a deep breath. She was still okay. She looked exhausted, and she probably needed the rest, but she'd made it through the radiation and was still okay. And for that, he knew he could wait for her to wake up.
Her eyes fluttered as she woke up and he smiled at her, happy to see her awake again. He squeezed her hand and she smiled a little.
"hey" he said softly, "How you doing?"
"Okay" she said.
"Did you sleep okay?"
She nodded, "I still feel tired though"
"You can go back to sleep if you want, I'll stay right here"
"Have you spent any time with Liam?"
"Mom brought him for a little bit, I'm sure they'll come back. Michael knows you're out of radiation"
"Good"
"You look real pretty"
She looked down, "How can you say that?" she asked quietly, fighting the tears.
"What do you mean?"
"You can't mean that, not when I'm like this. And I might never look the way I used to again"
"Natalie, what are you talking about. You look just like you always did"
"But you're not going to look at me the same"
"When have I ever looked at you differently?"
"John, I'm going to lose my hair. My breasts are all cut up. How are you-"
"Hey, look at me" he said, and he took her face in his hand so she would look at him, "I didn't fall in love with your hair, I didn't fall in love with your breasts-"
"John, you love my hair, and-"
"Yeah, I do" he said, and he pushed back a piece of her hair.
"And my-"
"yeah, I do" he said, "But that's not why I fell in love with you"
"But-"
"I fell in love with the look you always have in your eyes. I fell in love with your smile. I fell in love with your sassy comebacks. I fell in love with the fact that you'd take your shoes off the second we got home and that you'd walk around in bare feet. I fell in love with how you laugh. I fell in love with your goddamn determination. I fell in love with how you blush easily. I fell in love with the way you fall asleep and wake up. I fell in love with how your eyebrows furrow when you're concentrating on stuff at the lab. I fell in love with how you believed in me even when I didn't. I fell in love with the way you were raising our son while I was too stupid to. I fell in love with you. Nothing's going to change that" he said, "You're the strongest person I know. If I know one thing, I know that's not going to change"
"Hold me" she said, and he moved to the bed and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into him, resting her head on his shoulder.
"Where's all this coming from anyway?"
"They told me in radiation my hair was going to thin"
"So what?"
"It really doesn't matter to you?"
"No, it doesn't" he said, "All that matters is that you're okay"
She looked into his eyes. "You mean it"
He nodded, and she laid back down on the bed, he took her hand, but didn't move.
"So, you're not going back to the FBI?"
"No" he said, "And I'd like to stay with you. At least until you tell me I've screwed up"
"Just like that? No loose ends to tie up?"
"None" he said, "Natalie, the FBI, they withheld the notification that the restraining order was rescinded. I didn't know until yesterday-"
"I didn't take them out. You know that, right? My dad forged them while I was in London"
"I should have known"
"I guess I should have known you didn't know they were rescinded when you didn't come back, but you never answered my calls-"
"They blocked my calls. I don't know how or-anyway, I stopped getting voicemails from you awhile ago"
"They wanted you that badly?"
He took a breath, "Yeah, I guess. My superior, he used to be my partner and-" he shook his head, "I couldn't beleive it when I figured it out. He said that they didn't want me operating distracted and that I was getting results- same line of bull as always"
"It was rescinded almost six months ago"
"I wish I'd known, I would have come back, you wouldn't have been alone"
"I know-" she said, and looked down.
"What is it? You can ask me"
"Who was she?"
"A mistake" he said, "I was drunk, she was, I don't even know. She was a friend. Someone that I must have known in a previous life or something like that" he said, "What Todd caught, that was nothing. One kiss that made me realize how much I missed you"
"That was it?"
"That was it"
"I knew you didn't cheat on me" she said, "Everyone told me you did, I never argued, but- something never quite added up"
"I could never do that to you" he said, "I've been waiting to apologize for that kiss for quite awhile. I am sorry Natalie, that you had to find out like that, that I handled it so wrong, that I had screw up so badly to realize what I was missing"
"I think I forgave you a long time ago" she said, and shrugged, "At some point, it didn't matter anymore"
"I missed you so much" he said.
"I missed you, too" she said, "No one else gets me like you do. I don't have to try with you, even with all this happening"
"I'm so sorry this is what it took to get me back. I knew something was wrong, I could feel it-"
"You couldn't have done anything" she said, "So are you going to come home with us when this is all over?"
"If you'll have me"
"It's your house too" she said, "I didn't change one thing, I couldn't"
He smiled, "when this is all over, when you'll let me-" he paused, "I took the ring with me. I still have it. I was going to give it to you when I got back"
She smiled, but shook her head, "No. Not like this, not because-"
"I knew you wouldn't want it this way. But it's not because of this, Natalie. It's because I love you" he said, "And I know I always will"
She shed a single tear, "No. Not now" she said, "I want it to be a surprise"
"Okay" he said, "It's in the car, so it could happen any time"
"I'll be on my toes" she said, smiling.
"I love you" he said.
"I love you, too" she said, "This is real this time. No one should be given, what a fifth chance?"
"yeah, I guess we're pretty damn lucky" he said, "So why'd you think to call Mike?"
"I don't know. My doctor in Llanview recommended coming to Seattle, so I did" she said, "I knew I couldn't do it alone and he's a doctor. It just seemed like the most logical thing to do"
"I'm so glad you did" he said, "I might not have gotten the call, and I sure as hell wouldn't have been able to see you, your Dad would have made sure of that"
"Yeah, he would have. I didn't want him to know. He would have made this unbearable"
"And this is bearable?"
"Well, I have you"
"About damn time" he teased.
"It's getting late. Eve must have already put Liam down" she said.
"I'll make sure you see him tomorrow" he said.
"I'm so tired already" she said, "I guess that's a side effect or something"
"Get some rest" he said.
"Are you going to stay?"
"I'm not leaving you alone" he said.
"So then, you'll hold me?"
He smiled, then kicked off his shoes and joined her in the bed. They immediately reconfigured into the spot they had slept in yesterday.
"This bed's really small" she said.
"I don't mind, just means you're pressed close against me" he kissed her head.
She smiled, "I can't wait to sleep in our bed again, especially with you" she said.
"Me too" he said.
She looked up at him, and he kissed her, full and deep, and she felt the chills through to her toes.
"John" she whispered.
"Don't do that to me" he whispered, "It's been so long, you know I don't have that kind of control when it comes to you"
"But I want you"
"We're in a hospital bed, Natalie"
"That doesn't change it"
"I know" he said, pushing her hair back, "I want you, too, but we can't-not here"
"So when I get out of here?"
"Oh, have I got plans for you" he said through a smirk.
"I can't wait" she said, "there hasn't been anyone else"
"For me, either" he said.
She settled back into his chest, inhaling his scent, "God, I missed this"
"Yeah?" he said.
"I slept in the shirts you left behind. I didn't wash them, I wanted them to smell like you did. This is so much better"
"I tried to remember what this felt like" he said, "Every night, I tried to imagine I was holding you like his. I tried to remember how you hair smelt or how it felt when I ran my fingers through it, what your head felt like on my chest, the way your fingers used to run across my chest, how your leg felt thrown over mine"
"mmhm" she said, clearly drifting off.
"None of it even came close to how this feels" he whispered.
"I love you" she whispered, looking up at him.
"I love you" he said, and he gently kissed her. "Good night, Natalie"
Shortly, he felt Natalie completely fall asleep. He smiled, kissed her head, and took a big breath full of her. Nope, his dreams didn't even come close to how right and how good this felt. They couldn't do her justice. He closed his eyes and let himself drift to sleep, knowing he would wake up with her in his arms again.