While all the other monsters were enjoying their sunny afternoon, Beetlejuice was sitting on the floor in his dying room with baby Lydia, who was lying on her belly in front of him. For the past hour, he had been trying to think of an activity to do with her. It was obvious by then that Lydia couldn't do any of the things Beetlejuice could do, so he just stared at her as she cooed and gurgled to herself.
"I know the kid can't eat beetles or make armpit noises. What else can I do with her?!" Beetlejuice thought to himself as he continued to watch Lydia.
Bored out of his mind, he rested his head on his hands and sighed.
"What games do babies like to play…" Beetlejuice wondered. "There's the one game where you throw a baby up in the air, hide and seek, spin the bottle, peek-a-boo…"
Beetlejuice tried to think of some games to play with Lydia. The cells in his brain were at work, searching through the file cabinets for any game ideas. Unfortunately, most of the games were too dangerous and extreme for little Lydia, so he had to pick what was best for her.
"Well, I guess we could play peek-a-boo," said Beetlejuice in a bored voice.
Suddenly, his brain found the perfect game to play. A lightbulb literally shone above his head as he smiled evilly.
"Hey, we could play peek-a-boo!" Beetlejuice beamed, raising a finger in the air. "This is a great opportunity to scare the living daylights out of her!"
He began to cackle maniacally, grabbing a small blanket from the left headrest of the couch. He then tossed the blanket over his head so that his entire face was obscured from the outside world. Lydia had little to no sense of object permanence, so she became concerned. She whimpered like a puppy with tears in her eyes, worrying about the fact that Beetlejuice was "gone forever".
After a few seconds of paranoia, Beetlejuice swiped the blanket off of his head to reveal a face scarier than the one pale man who had eyeballs on his hands. It did look similar to that, except even scarier and grotesque with sharp teeth and warts galore. Details won't be revealed because of the innocent children reading this.
"Peek-a-boo!" Beetlejuice exclaimed.
Even if there was a scary lavender-colored ghost in front of her, Lydia laughed regardless.
"Aww, you like my tricks!" cooed Beetlejuice, holding the blanket close to his chest. "Well, I've got something even better!"
He once again covered his head with the blanket. Lydia, of course, whimpered and fussed when she realized that Beetlejuice was gone from her life. It was widely agreed that most if not all 6-month olds are quite paranoid when it comes to somebody covering themselves or leaving the room. Perhaps their brains were wired that way, but who even cares? Lydia was far more tolerable as far as babies go and Beetlejuice knew it.
Following the rules of the game, Beetlejuice removed the blanket from his head, revealing a demonic abomination from hell. No, it was actually worse than a demonic abomination from hell! The face looked like a cross between a grizzly bear, a cat, and the creepy old man who sold candy to children in the streets of the Outerworld.
"PEEK-A-BOO!" Beetlejuice screamed, leaping in front of Lydia while raising his arms in the air.
Lydia laughed and squealed so hard, she almost gagged on her own spit. Beetlejuice chuckled along with Lydia as he propped her in a sitting position. After backing away from Lydia to give her some space, he poofed up a curtain around him and closed it.
Before Lydia could have the chance to whine again, Beetlejuice opened the curtain and shouted in the loudest voice ever imagined.
"PEEK-A-BOO, KID! I SEE YOU!" Beetlejuice shouted in Lydia's face, causing her to laugh even harder.
Lydia couldn't even laugh anymore because her voice box was too small to handle all the excitement, so it sounded more like a squeal from a dying pig. She even lost her balance and toppled onto the floor from all the exhilaration Beetlejuice fed her.
"AH-BOOGA-BOOGA-BOOGA!" babbled Beetlejuice, hopping up and down in the air with his hands under his armpits like a chicken.
Lydia squealed louder while kicking her legs rapidly. She tried to pull herself back into a sitting position, but her back muscles weren't strong enough. She was like a human version of a turtle stuck on its shell.
"Come here, baby! Come here so I can wrestle you!" Beetlejuice chirped as he scooped Lydia into his arms.
With Lydia in his captivity, he started to tickle her belly in a way similar to playing with a puppy or a kitten. He even nuzzled his nose close to her face as he tickled and stroked her. Lydia was having the time of her life; she was kicking her legs and laughing as if someone told her a funny joke. To Lydia, anything Beetlejuice did was the funniest thing ever.
"Does the widdle baby wanna go uppy? DOES THE WIDDLE BABY WANNA GO UPPY IN THE AIR?!" Beetlejuice spoke in a sappy tone to Lydia, holding her by her armpits in front of his face.
Lydia let out a rather piercing squeal as Beetlejuice tossed her up in the air. Every time Beetlejuice would toss Lydia in the air, a ghoul's eardrum would shatter. While it was admittedly cute, the squealing from Lydia sounded more like a kitten screaming because it got its tail stepped on than an actual human infant. This was especially evident when Beetlejuice tried to fight the urge to run to the bathroom to stuff toilet paper in his ears from having to listen to Lydia squeal and laugh obnoxiously. Not wanting to listen to ear-shattering squealing any longer, Beetlejuice decided that the game was over.
"Oh-ho-ho! You may be a loud little squirt, but you sure are an easy baby to take care of!" cooed Beetlejuice as he cuddled Lydia against his face.
Lydia gurgled and cooed as Beetlejuice cuddled her.
"Yes, you are by far the only cute thing I can stomach!" Beetlejuice gushed. "But other cute things? BLECH!"
Lydia laughed uproariously at Beetlejuice's fake gagging. Not only was she a goth in the making, but she was also an immature prankster in the making as well. For making his day with laughter and smiles, Beetlejuice rewarded her with kisses on the forehead, cheeks, and belly. The little girl laughed even harder as Beetlejuice kissed every part of her body.
"Since you'll be staying over at my place, we're gonna have to find a place for you to sleep," Beetlejuice declared, rocking Lydia gently in his arms.
The ghost searched everywhere in the house; he scavenged the dying room, the bathroom, the basement, his bedroom, and the kitchen for something for Lydia to sleep in. He had dug through cabinets, crawled into dark creepy crevices, lifted objects out of the way, and got himself nearly electrocuted from searching inside of a TV set.
Fortunately, while he was busy tossing glass cups and plates out of the cabinets, he realized that there was a basket full of rotting fruits sitting on the kitchen table. It was a beige wicker basket teeming with overripe bananas and apples. The size of the basket could easily fit a small baby, so it was the perfect nest for Lydia to sleep in.
"You stay here. I'm gonna whisk these fruits away to garbage land!" Beetlejuice said, gently placing Lydia on the kitchen floor.
Beetlejuice floated to the kitchen table to dump the basket full of rotting fruits into a trash can. As he dumped the fruits into the trash can, the starving flies became overjoyed and thanked him for the free food. After bidding the flies bye-bye, he stuffed some wash rags in the basket to create a makeshift mattress. He then grabbed another wash rag to use as a pillow for Lydia to sleep comfortably.
"Look, Babes! You have your own little nest!" Beetlejuice beamed as he carried Lydia and the basket to the dying room. "Now you don't have to worry about sleeping in my stinky old sock drawer!"
Lydia cooed back at Beetlejuice, trying her hardest to thank him for giving her a place to sleep.
"Aww, you have such a way with words," Beetlejuice gushed before giving her a brief cuddle and a kiss on the head.
He gently placed Lydia in the basket and tucked her in with a soft blue blanket that was lying on the armrest of the couch. Lydia's mood went from being mildly playful to as cool as a cucumber within seconds of being tucked in the basket. The feeling of being cooped in a fruit basket was overwhelmingly soothing for her; it reminded her of the times when she would happily rest in the bassinet, dreaming that she could someday go back to her mother's womb to sleep in warm fluids without a care in the world. Growing increasingly tired from the soothing atmosphere of the basket, she stretched all four of her limbs while yawning in the sweetest manner possible.
Beetlejuice chuckled heartily at Lydia while silently congratulating himself for finally performing a good deed. Even if he was always meant to be a jerk toward everybody else, it didn't mean that he had no heart for small babies like Lydia.
"Sleep tight, my baby…" whispered Beetlejuice, leaning his face close to the basket.
He picked the basket up and cuddled it against his face like a teddy bear. Lydia giggled in her sleep as Beetlejuice kissed and hugged both her and the basket she was tucked in. A normal human being would try to escape if someone were to rub their greasy face against them like a cat, but not Lydia; she actually fell into a deeper sleep as Beetlejuice nuzzled his face against her. To top it all off, he gave her one last big kiss before walking upstairs to his bedroom.
"This is where you will sleep until I wake you up for dinner," Beetlejuice said as he placed the basket on the table beside his coffin-shaped bed. "Don't worry, you won't be the dinner. You're too cute to be the dinner."
Now that Lydia was put down for her nap, Beetlejuice teleported to the dying room. This was where he decided that a little bit of spooky entertainment on TV would hold him over until Lydia would wake up screaming a few hours later.
"You've got this, B. All you need to do is to feed, wash, burp, and scare the baby. After all, she does almost nothing, so it's more like taking care of a sentient plant," Beetlejuice thought.
He shot a brief glance toward the staircase before plopping his butt onto the couch. He sighed happily as he rested his feet on the coffin table, obviously relieved that Lydia wasn't giving him too much trouble. With the click of a single remote button, he turned the TV on to a B-grade horror flick. The ghost sighed again as he leaned back with his hands behind his head for support. It sure felt refreshing watching a favorite classic horror movie on a sunny afternoon.
Just as the part with the gory blood was coming on, Beetlejuice's stomach literally began to growl.
"Feed me! I'm hungry for some grub! Just feed me, won't ya Beetlejerk?!" Beetlejuice's stomach growled.
"Not now, stomach! I'm watching one of my favorite movies! There's the best part with all the violence and goriness!" retorted Beetlejuice as he pointed at the TV screen. "I don't wanna miss it!"
"Can't you see, Beetlejerk?! Food is more important than watching TV! It would be hazardous to your health if you skipped your afternoon snack!" Beetlejuice's stomach growled again.
"Hey, that's what my neighbor Jacques keeps telling me! Don't be a badger and let me watch TV!" snapped Beetlejuice as he turned into a badger.
"I AM SO HUNGRY! FEED ME ALREADY!" cried Beetlejuice's stomach.
Beetlejuice scowled at his stomach while crossing his arms. He felt stupid and awkward getting annoyed at an organ inside his body, so he gave in to the whining. As his stomach said, it would be hazardous to his health if he was always skipping meals.
"Alright, fine! You win! I'll go make myself a peanut butter and beetle sandwich!" huffed Beetlejuice, throwing his arms up in the air out of submission.
He floated to the kitchen while muttering bad words under his breath. Opening the refrigerator, he grabbed the supplies needed for making peanut butter and beetle sandwich: a loaf of moldy bread, a jar of beetles, and a container of peanut butter with maggots in it. His mouth watered at the sight of the beetles inside the glass jar. He couldn't wait to dig into the sandwich he hadn't even prepared yet.
"Oh, I could just feel my mouth watering!" Beetlejuice exclaimed as his drool poured out of his mouth like a hose.
After spreading the beetles and peanut butter onto a slice of bread, he grabbed a plate from the cupboard and placed the unfinished sandwich on it. Last but not least, he topped the sandwich with another moldy slice of bread. As Beetlejuice carried the plate to the dying room, a loud noise that sounded rather similar to a human infant startled the living daylights out of him. It didn't sound like cooing, laughing, or coughing. It was this long drawn-out cry one would hear in a restaurant or a grocery store. Beetlejuice nearly dropped the plate he was carrying as the noise grew louder and more intense. He was both startled and annoyed by the unexpected crying, clearly having no idea that the baby wouldn't always sleep for hours at a time. He had to be forced to sacrifice his sandwich so he could march upstairs to figure out what was wrong.
"I'm coming! I'm coming!" grumbled Beetlejuice as he marched to his bedroom.
It didn't take long for him to realize that the crying was coming from Lydia. The paragraphs might've already spoiled that, but Beetlejuice usually wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed, so he must've forgotten about Lydia while he was watching his horror movie. As he walked to the basket, Beetlejuice's heart sank as the screams and cries of Lydia traveled into his ears. The red-faced screaming baby was actually tugging on his heartstrings. He would've never batted an eyelid had it been Ginger or Jacques crying, so the very fact that he was showing empathy toward an innocent creature was shocking.
"Shh shh! Don't you be wailin', Babes! Ol' B-guy is coming to rescue you," soothed Beetlejuice, scooping Lydia up from her basket.
Even after Beetlejuice picked her up, Lydia was still kicking and screaming.
"Why are you crying, Babes? Did you have a bad dream?!" Beetlejuice asked Lydia as he gently rocked her in his arms.
Lydia unleashed a demonic scream from hell, startling the living daylights out of poor Beetlejuice. The ghost had to figure out something he could do to soothe baby Lydia. Unfortunately, he had zero experience with babies and children; he was basically screwed. Well, screwed in the head.
"Shh! Shh! I know being a baby is tough, but you gotta stop crying! You don't wanna make B.J miss his favorite horror flicks, don't you?" Beetlejuice tried to reason with Lydia to no avail.
If anything, reasoning with a small child never works. Even when Beetlejuice tried to reason with Lydia, her crying session simply kept on growing stronger and more intense. It was like putting gasoline on the fire. Since that tactic didn't work, he decided to use the old-fashioned rocking and singing technique. To prepare for his singing, he sprayed some perfume in his mouth and cleared his throat.
"Go to sleep… Go to sleep… Shut up, you little baby," Beetlejuice sang offkey as he rhythmically rocked and swayed Lydia.
Lydia settled down at the sound of Beetlejuice's soothing voice. Her crying turned into faint whimpers and her body became less tense as the melodies traveled into her ears. Even if it was gruff and raspy, she still calmed down since it reminded her of the days when her mother would sing to her every night before bedtime. As Beetlejuice continued to sing, Lydia snuggled against his chest and fell back to sleep. The room was now silent and free of crying. The tactic worked.
"Now you go back to sleep, kid. You don't want to make BJ miss his horror movie, OK?" Beetlejuice reminded Lydia as he placed her back in her basket.
To avoid waking Lydia up with footsteps and door creaks, Beetlejuice teleported to the dying room like the magical ghost he was. Knowing the B-guy, that was probably one of the smartest things he had ever done. He felt relieved after wasting a few minutes of his time calming Lydia down. He did miss his favorite part with the blood and gore, but at least Lydia wasn't crying anymore. It was as if she was his daughter, except she really wasn't. But who knows? Maybe Lydia might be officially accepted as a member of BJ's Roadhouse one day.
Now that his sanity was complete, he plopped back on the couch and picked up the plate of peanut butter and beetle sandwich. Like before, he rested his feet on the coffin table with the plate on his lap. Just as he was about to pick up the sandwich to eat it, Lydia began to turn her waterworks on again. Must be hard raising a baby that young, huh?
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
Beetlejuice grumbled to himself as Lydia screamed from his bedroom. All he wanted to do was to enjoy a movie and a sandwich, but no, Lydia had to be the baby she was. As the ghost tried to ignore Lydia's crying and eat his sandwich, there was a knock on the door.
Knock Knock!
Beetlejuice wearily rose from the couch to answer the door. To his surprise, two figures that resembled an angel and a devil respectively stood in front of him with serious looks on their faces. Where they came from, I have no clue. Maybe some plot device found them at the side of the road and decided to drop them off at the roadhouse.
"Hey! What are you doing at my door?! Leave me alone!" Beetlejuice growled at the figures, trying to shoo them away with his trusty zapping power.
The angel thought before he acted and used his magic wand to block the zapping bolt. Pretty strange considering that he basically was Beetlejuice himself, albeit as an angel.
"Ah-ah-ah! Watch where you use those juicing powers, buddy!" The angel figure warned before chomping Beetlejuice's hand clean.
"YEEEEEOWWWCH!" Beetlejuice wailed, clenching his hand in utter pain and agony. "SCREW YOU! YOU SHOULD NOT BE HERE! YOU ARE BOTH THE STEREOTYPICAL ANGEL AND DEVIL FIGURES THAT APPEAR WHENEVER I CAN'T DECIDE ABOUT SOMETHING! I CAN FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF! I AM-"
Before Beetlejuice could finish his rant, the devil figure slapped him in the face with his palm.
"STOP IT! YOU'RE BEING DISRESPECTFUL! YOU ARE LOWER THAN THE SCUM IN MY MOUTH! YOU ARE LOWER THAN THE BELLY OF A SANDWORM! LISTEN TO ME AND IGNORE THAT SCREAMING BABY!" The devil figure screamed.
"No, no! I recommend you march yourself upstairs and soothe the poor child!" The angel figure argued.
"Pfft, babies suck! They do nothing but wail, snooze, and crap their pants! YOU'LL THANK ME LATER IF YOU JUST KEEP EATING YOUR BEETLE SANDWICH!" the devil figure roared loudly into Beetlejuice's ear.
"That poor baby! Calm her now or else she will die of neglect! She needs you, Beetlejuice! JUST PLEASE CALM HER DOWN BEFORE I CALM HER MYSELF!" begged the angel figure, who was clearly trying to hide his frustration.
"NO, DON'T CALM HER DOWN! WHAT ARE YOU, MARY POPPINS?! MARY POPPINS DOESN'T EVEN LIKE BABIES! SHE ALWAYS TRAPS THEM IN HER BASEMENT!" The devil figure retorted.
"Hey! That's not very nice! It's no wonder the devil gets such a bad rep! It's because you hail from hell... AND HELL PEOPLE DON'T HAVE HEARTS!" The angel figure angrily shouted as he pointed his wand toward the devil figure.
Beetlejuice rolled his eyes annoyedly as the two small figures began to engage in a serious quarrel. It was becoming apparent that these two not-so-invisible figures were just imposters. They were just little 6-inch imposters who somehow showed up at the roadhouse for no reason aside from moving the plot forward.
"Okay, I'm gonna leave now. Call me when you know how to tell funny jokes," Beetlejuice said, writing his phone number on a piece of paper and handing it to the angel figure.
As the figures continued to argue and fight, Beetlejuice walked upstairs to his bedroom to calm Lydia down. He found her lying in the basket red-faced with snot and tears pouring down her cheeks. The ghost flinched when Lydia unleashed a powerful scream that sounded like she was being murdered. How a 6-month-old could scream that loud was unbelievable. One would expect a scream like that from a tantruming toddler, not a baby who couldn't even sit up without pillows surrounding her.
"I really hope you aren't going to be like this for the entire story! You're going to infuriate me more than the great dane's annoying nephew if you don't stop this!" Beetlejuice exasperated.
Lydia cried louder while reaching her arms out at Beetlejuice's face.
"God, you are so annoying!" grumbled Beetlejuice as he picked Lydia up from her basket and cradled her.
Because she was nestled in Beetlejuice's arms, Lydia stopped crying and fell back asleep. With the baby girl snuggling against his chest and the room being eerily silent with nothing but the wind whooshing through the open window, Beetlejuice once again found some peace. A warm smile formed on his face as he tucked Lydia back into her basket. Even if he was annoyed by her crying, he still loved her like the daughter he never had.
"Babes, dream about your daddy for me!" Beetlejuice whispered into Lydia's ear as she slept.
He kissed her on the head and cheek before sneaking out of the room. As he exited his bedroom, he tried to close the door as quietly as possible. Unfortunately, it wasn't possible since most of the doors in the roadhouse tend to creak whenever they're being opened or closed. But still, he tried to close it as quietly as possible so that he wouldn't wake Lydia up. He did succeed because within seconds, he was walking down the stairs with a proud expression on his face, hoping to finally dig into the sandwich he never got to eat.
That success didn't last long. The second his foot touched the wooden floor, Lydia revved up the scream machine again. Beetlejuice has had it; Lydia was way too clingy for her own good and he wanted to teach her a lesson. He clenched his fists tightly as the piercing cries traveled into his ears. His face formed an ugly scowl that worsened with every screech. With great ferocity and rage, he stormed upstairs to his bedroom, eager to scream at Lydia to shut her trap.
"That's it! You're coming with me!" Beetlejuice growled as he grabbed the basket.
As Lydia continued to cry, Beetlejuice marched downstairs to the dying room. He placed the basket on the coffin table and sat down on the couch. He watched Lydia scream and cry, trying not to get himself too worked up.
He thought to himself, "what should a dad do to his daughter when she won't stop crying?". He had previously tried rocking her in his arms and making funny faces and they both worked. What else could he possibly do? Throw her off the cliff? No, not even Beetlejuice would sink that low. He had to really think of something to calm Lydia down.
"Come here, kid!" Beetlejuice mumbled under his breath, picking Lydia from her basket.
He picked the peanut butter and beetle sandwich off the plate and waved it in front of Lydia.
"Here, you can have my sandwich! I think you might be hungry, so hopefully, this will shut you up for a while," offered Beetlejuice as he waved the sandwich in front of Lydia's scrunched-up crying face.
He began to rip the sandwich into tiny pea-sized pieces. At that point, it looked more like paper flakes than an actual sandwich. He then sprinkled the tiny bread pieces into Lydia's crying mouth like he was spreading mozzarella on a pizza. Lydia became confused about the bread pieces in her mouth and she temporarily stopped crying to taste them. It didn't taste like the breast milk she usually drank, so she spat it out onto Beetlejuice's shirt of all places.
Beetlejuice frowned disappointingly as he watched Lydia resume her intense crying fit. The way she cried felt like somebody was stabbing his eardrums. He tried to think of something to calm Lydia down once and for all. Something that was familiar but effective.
"Hey! Maybe a scary face might cheer you up!" Beetlejuice shouted.
He transformed his entire face into a ferocious werewolf, complete with a narrow snout and sharp fangs. Surprisingly enough, Lydia cried harder and louder when she saw the lavender werewolf-faced ghost in front of her. One would expect a future goth to laugh at werewolves, but I guess even goths have standards. Beetlejuice grumbled and muttered to himself, realizing that nothing was working with Lydia and he had to be forced to listen to a crying baby for god knows how long.
Because he had nothing else to do, he rocked and swayed Lydia in her arms as she cried her lungs out. Indeed, babies are a pain in the arse. I am telling you that I never under any circumstances want to deal with a baby. It was hard to watch Beetlejuice under a lot of stress while taking care of Lydia… and it hadn't even been a full day yet! Considering that he was notorious for his short temper and demonic powers, the chances of him harming little Lydia were pretty damn high.