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Lydia was officially adopted by Beetlejuice and his neighbors as their own daughter. Even if she was a mortal human through and through, her skin was pale enough to make her confused for a ghoul. She was only a baby, so she didn't necessarily act human at times; most humans (grown-up ones at least) don't cry hysterically for no reason, mess up their pants, or babble nonsensical words. Nonetheless, just give her a few more years and she will be a little more developed.
Shortly after Lydia's initiation into the roadhouse gang, Beetlejuice decided to play a little game with her to celebrate. He was sitting on the floor, clapping his hands at Lydia while singing a children's song. Knowing Beetlejuice and his dislike for kid-friendly things, he changed up the lyrics to suit his own style.
"Slimy cake, slimy cake! Hiker's pants! Give me some snakes so I can put them in my pants!" sang Beetlejuice as he clapped his hands rhythmically.
Lydia, who was sitting up with the help of a small pillow, giggled at Beetlejuice while flapping her arms. She was so focused on giggling at Beetlejuice, that she almost lost her balance and face-planted onto the floor. Luckily, her arms caught her in the nick of time.
"You like that game, Babe? Do you like the game?! Do you want me to play again?!" asked Beetlejuice in a sappy tone, lunging his face toward Lydia.
Lydia squealed joyfully as Beetlejuice laid down on his belly to get to her level. The ghost chuckled when he saw Lydia flapping her arms like a bird.
"Oh, you wanna play a new game? It's called… boop!" Beetlejuice asked again as he poked Lydia's button nose.
Lydia giggled some more, trying to get into a crawling position so she could boop Beetlejuice back. Her gross motor skills weren't the greatest, so she struggled quite a bit. She couldn't get her legs to adapt to the crawling position she was trying to accomplish. Although her arms were supporting her, she just couldn't lift her belly up no matter how simple it seemed. Her arms eventually grew tired and she toppled onto her side. Lydia apparently looked funny as a stuck baby because Beetlejuice was laughing like she was a contender on Neitherworld's Funniest Home Videos.
"Come here, Babe!" chuckled Beetlejuice as he picked Lydia up from the floor.
He cuddled Lydia against his face, causing her to begin giggling and cooing.
"You look so cute as a stuck baby! Heck, in general, you're just as cute as a bug's ear!" gushed Beetlejuice as he transformed his head into an ear.
Lydia laughed harder, reaching her arms at the ear-headed Beetlejuice. The ghost chuckled in response and continued to cuddle her like a teddy bear. The cuddling session would be interrupted by loud footsteps and the banging of items. Confused by the loud noises, Beetlejuice cranked his head around to see Jacques and Ginger carrying all of their belongings into the roadhouse. Why Jacques and Ginger were carrying their stuff into the roadhouse, I honestly have no clue — neither does Beetlejuice. Perhaps they felt like moving in with the ghost so his newly acclaimed fatherhood would be easier.
"Hey, why are you guys moving into my roadhouse?! Can't you just stop by whenever I have trouble with the baby?! That's what we promised, remember?!" Beetlejuice chided, cradling Lydia protectively against his chest.
"Beetlejuice, before you continue to scream at us, we've already made a deal that we all take care of the baby," reminded Ginger as she carried a duffel bag full of tap shoes. "Can't you see? You will be the dad, I will be the mommy, and Jacques will be the second dad."
Beetlejuice smiled at the thought of being a dad to Lydia but grumbled when Ginger told him that they will all be working together. He loathed sharing; he hated it even more than sandworms, actually. A toddler was more capable of sharing his toys when compared to the selfish ghost that was Beetlejuice.
"Eet takes a roadhouse to raise a baby! Zis iz why we are moving in wiz you!" explained Jacques as he lugged two dumbbell carriers in his arms.
"Zis iz why we are moving in with you! Yeah, whatever! Go do whatever you want! I'm playing with Babe!" mocked Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice switched Lydia from his arms to his lap. He began to playfully bounce her up and down on his knees while making fake trampoline noises: "boinga-boinga-boinga!". Of course, Lydia squealed happily as Beetlejuice continued to pretend that his knees were a trampoline.
After Jacques and Ginger finished unloading their belongings into two separate guest rooms, they decided to join Beetlejuice's playtime with Lydia. After all, Lydia was also their daughter and they wanted to spend time with her. Lydia, who was still being bounced on Beetlejuice's knees, giggled with joy as she watched the skeleton and spider casually approach her.
"Hiya, Babe! Are you having fun with your daddy?" Ginger asked Lydia in a friendly voice as Beetlejuice flashed a smile in response to being referred to as "daddy".
"How about moi, your very bone ami?" added Jacques as he tickled Lydia's chin.
Lydia turned her attention toward Jacques and began cooing and gurgling at him. Her eyes gazed directly into his glowing eyeballs as she tried to "converse" with him. The skeleton's neutral expression turned into a goofy smile as the "ooh" and "ah-goo" sounds flooded his ear holes. In baby language, it meant Lydia was telling him that she loved her just as much as Beetlejuice. She knew exactly what she was trying to say and Jacques couldn't believe it. How could a baby this young be so aware of the nonsensical words coming out of her mouth? After staring at her in awe, Jacques giggled like a little girl as Lydia continued to utter her little cooing and gurgling noises.
"Oh really?! Do you really zink zat I am just as worthy of protecting you as Be-atlejooze?! How precious!" squealed Jacques.
Lydia replied with a screech of joy. It was adorable, but it nearly shattered everyone's ears. The ear-splitting screech echoed in the room, but the neighbors didn't seem to mind. They all giggled while watching Lydia squirm about. Lydia noticed the neighbors laughing and began to giggle. Now everybody was in a laughing fit. Even the bugs on Beetlejuice's floor were laughing along with the madness.
"What a petit munchkin you are!" Jacques squealed again as he playfully pinched her cheeks. "Oh, yes you are a petit munchkin! Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Yes, you are! Yes, you are-"
Jacques inched his face closer and closer to Lydia as he continued to pinch her cheeks. Without warning, Lydia yanked on his mustache with great force.
"YEEEEOWCH! STOP ZAT! EET HURTS!" screamed Jacques, struggling to pry Lydia's hands off of his mustache.
Lydia giggled as she jerked and tugged on Jacques' mustache. She had no sense of empathy, so she was blissfully unaware of the pain and misery she was causing to the skeleton. Beetlejuice and Ginger had a low sense of empathy since they were still laughing even though their friend had tears forming in his eye sockets. They thought Jacques was playing around, but he wasn't. If there was one thing to know about Jacques, it was that he rarely ever fools around, not even on Pranksgiving Day.
"Haw, haw! She's got your 'stache, bonehead!" teased Beetlejuice.
Jacques began to feel angry at Beetlejuice and Ginger for making fun of him. Sure, it was mostly toward how adorable Lydia's behavior was, but what about his needs?
"EET IZ NOT FUNNY! STOP LAUGHING AT ME!" Jacques cried, trying to pry Lydia's grubby hands off of his mustache.
The skeleton figured that if he walked away from the basket, Lydia would lose her grip on the mustache since it would slip out of her hands. He did just that and unfortunately enough, the plan didn't work. Instead, Lydia tightened her grip on the mustache as Jacques backed away from the basket. It wasn't long before she began to treat the mustache like it was a vine from a jungle tree.
"Whee!" Lydia squealed as she swung side to side while still holding onto Jacques' mustache.
Beetlejuice and Ginger continued to laugh their butts off at poor Jacques, who was nearly in tears from the pain that was Lydia swinging on his mustache. The sensation felt like someone was scalding him with boiling hot water. If the pain was comparable to that of boiling hot water, then why were Beetlejuice and Ginger lacking empathy? They were completely unaware that their friend was trying his hardest to pull a playful baby off of his mustache. What meanies they were.
As Jacques was draining his energy struggling to pry her off his mustache, Lydia finally decided to let go and catapulted herself into the air. If anything, this was worse than when she swung on his mustache like a monkey on a vine. The possibility of Lydia hitting the floor and suffering a concussion was too much to handle for Jacques.
"OH NO, NO, NO! NOT ZE BABY!" screamed Jacques, holding his hands against his skull.
Like a superhero off to save the day, he leaped after Lydia with his arms outstretched in front of him. Lydia didn't care if Jacques was saving her life; she was having the time of her life flying in the air. If she could walk and talk, she would probably use Jacques' mustache as a catapult over and over again until it breaks off.
"NOOOOO!" Jacques shrieked as he helplessly watched Lydia fall toward the hard wooden floor.
Lydia laughed and squealed as Jacques ran after her with open arms. Luckily, before her fragile body hit the floor, she was caught in the nick of time. Had Jacques not been cautious of his daughter, Lydia would've suffered from a serious brain concussion. Centuries of babysitting must've helped him develop a strong protective instinct toward children, especially the human ones.
"Don't you scare Jacques like zat again! You almost gave me a panic attack when you soared zough ze air like a bird!" Jacques whispered to Lydia as he cradled her protectively against his ribs.
Even though Lydia was safe in Jacques' arms, Beetlejuice and Ginger were still laughing at him. The poor skeleton was always the butt of jokes, so he had no choice but to stand up for himself for once. He shot a menacing death glare at them without saying a single word. That was more than enough to settle Beetlejuice and Ginger down because the moment they saw his face, they knew he meant business. While keeping his glare on the two miscreants, Jacques gently tucked Lydia in her basket with a warm blanket. He would only break his glare to kiss the top of Lydia's head.
"Sleep tight, sweetie," cooed Jacques before giving her another kiss on the head.
After placing the basket on the coffin table, he grabbed his wallet off of the end table and tramped over to the front door in a huff.
"Come on, Jacques! We thought it was funny when Babe was using your mustache as a jungle gym!" chuckled Ginger.
"Yeah! That was the funniest thing since that one time I dumped bacon grease all over you and dogs came running! Ah-haw-haw-haw! I could do that again someday! It just cracks me up!" Beetlejuice cackled before literally tearing in half.
Jacques' glare grew stronger as Beetlejuice and Ginger continued their laughing session.
"Stop! Eet's not funny! How would you feel eef ze baby were to do zat to your hair, Be-atlejooze?!" Jacques chastised.
"But it was funny! I mean, come on, you gotta have a sense of humor sometimes, right?" Beetlejuice goaded.
"Eet would've been funny had my face not tingled wiz pain!" snarked Jacques.
The skeleton let out a deep sigh as he pushed the front door open.
"Listen," Jacques began. "I am trusting you two to watch ze baby while I buy ze supplies we need to properly care for her. Keep her safe and sound in zat basket!"
"Yes, sir! Roger that!" Beetlejuice complied as he struck a salute pose.
"And Be-atlejooze, you better listen carefully because eef I hear you tease Ginger or do anysing stupid around ze baby, zere will be serious consequences! You hear me? You will not like what will happen to you eef you screw up!" warned Jacques, pointing at Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice grinned mischievously at Ginger, who quivered in fear as he stared at her with his creepy eyes. They were neighbors through and through, but the way they would often interact felt more like a mean older brother teasing a little sister. Jacques was like the bossy middle child who always felt left out due to the constant antics of his neighbors, though sometimes Ginger would fill that role.
"Remember to be gentle around little Babe for me! And keep her safe and sound in zat basket! Call me eef you need anysing!" Jacques sang as he walked out of the roadhouse.
The second Jacques stepped his foot out of the roadhouse, it was showtime. Beetlejuice moved his face close to Ginger with his hands behind his back and flashed an evil grin at her; He was ready to drive her nuts. He scooped Ginger into his hands and stared into her eyes while keeping an evil grin. The thought of popping the heads off her Barfie dolls and mowing her flower garden made him snicker since he knew that those heinous actions would cause her to burst into tears. Ginger obviously did not want Beetlejuice to torment her, so she had to let him know loud and clear.
"Beetlejuice, please don't pull pranks on me! Please don't torment me!" begged Ginger as she nervously quivered. "If you pull pranks or torment me, I will tell on you!"
Beetlejuice laughed at Ginger like she was joking around with him. Why would he want to listen to a centuries-old spider who still acted like she was a little girl? Between having a know-it-all skeleton and a crybaby spider for neighbors, why would he want to trust any of them to help him care for Lydia? Beetlejuice was his own ghoul; he could do whatever he wanted when he felt like it.
"Oh, what are you gonna do? Call my mother?!" Beetlejuice snickered.
"I was going to call your mother, but I am more than happy to call the police instead," warned Ginger.
Beetlejuice shuddered at the thought of the police knocking down his door and arresting him. He was so focused on that thought, that he dropped Ginger onto the floor. He then dropped onto his knees and began sobbing hysterically.
"PLEASE, GINGER! DON'T CALL THE POLICE! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN THAT CLEAN JAIL CELL AGAIN! I'VE BEEN IN THERE WAY TOO MANY TIMES AND I DON'T WANNA GO BACK!" begged Beetlejuice as he slammed his palms onto the floor like he was worshiping some invincible god.
"Then we gotta take care of the baby together!" Ginger told Beetlejuice.
"Um, hello! Am I stupid?! I already know the ropes of taking care of a baby! She's my daughter and I love her!" retorted Beetlejuice as he transformed into a rope.
"She's our daughter. We made a promise, Beetlejuice! Just because we claimed her as our own doesn't mean she isn't-"
Beetlejuice squashed Ginger with his boot as a way to shut her up.
"Yeah, yeah, I heard you!" acknowledged Beetlejuice, scrapping the flat as a pancake Ginger off of his boot. "I'm gonna go take a scum shower! The baby isn't doing much, so now is the perfect time to relax!"
As the ghost marched upstairs to the bathroom, Lydia decided that it was the right time to turn her waterworks on. The whole room went from being dead silent to banshee wailing within seconds. Both Beetlejuice and Ginger rushed to the basket and stared at Lydia with expressions that were a mix of confusion and frustration.
"Why is she crying?" asked Beetlejuice.
"I don't know! I'm not an expert on babies!" Ginger answered.
"Then why don't you get yourself a care book of some sort?!" exasperated Beetlejuice.
"I think I might actually have a book lying somewhere in my apartment. Let me go check!" Ginger declared.
Ginger dashed to her apartment to find a care book for Lydia. She searched all around her apartment for the book; she dug in her drawers, peeked under her bed, and checked her webs. A care book was unfortunately nowhere to be found, which greatly saddened Ginger. Before she could give up and learn how to care for Lydia herself, she decided to check the inside of her junk drawer. She found a thick book lying in a pile of dead flies and expired theater tickets. Even if the book had dust blanketing it, the words were still legible enough to read "A Caretaker's Guide To Raising Healthy Children" in a slimy green font. She flashed a smile as she picked up the book and carried it back to Beetlejuice's roadhouse.
"Did you find any care books? Anything helpful?!" Beetlejuice desperately asked, trying not to lose his sanity over the piercing crying.
"I couldn't find any care books made specifically for human babies, but I did find a Neitherworld care book that should hopefully work well enough," answered Ginger as she showed the book to Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice studied the book carefully. The book was in decent shape for sitting around in a junk drawer for so many years. It was mostly intact except for a few rips in the pages and some scratches on the hardcover. There were also drops of slime on the front cover, which was something that always attracted Beetlejuice, being a junkie for gross stuff and all.
"Not too shabby looking! Say, where did you get that book?!" Beetlejuice asked.
"Oh, Jacques gave it to me because he thought I would be interested in babysitting after I played tag with the kids at a neighborhood barbeque!" explained Ginger.
"Puh-lease! Who thought you would be good with kids? You would get squashed by those rugrats within seconds! On a side note, the neighborhood kids are annoying and they like to get on my nerves," scoffed Beetlejuice as he crossed his arms.
He paused his tranquil rant to see Ginger flipping through the pages of the book. She was reading the pages as she skipped through them every few seconds. She eventually noticed Beetlejuice watching her skim through the book and she paused.
"Can I have a little help, Beetlejuice? I can't seem to find any sections about baby care! It's all child discipline and information about how to wrangle naughty kids!" pleaded Ginger as she kept trying to find the section she was looking for.
"Oh, gimme that!" Beetlejuice snapped as he impatiently swiped the book out of Ginger's hands.
He scrambled through the book until he found a page with big words that read "INFANT CARE: WHAT TO DO WHEN A BABY WON'T STOP CRYING". There was a picture of a baby ogre crying its eyes out right below the words. The picture was a warning sign of the stress Beetlejuice and the neighbors were going to be forced to endure.
"It is completely normal and okay for babies to cry. It is their way of communicating their needs and feelings, after all. First, feel yourself; check if you're angry or frustrated; anger can lead to violent behaviors like shaking and abuse toward the baby," Beetlejuice read the text out loud as Lydia continued to bawl her eyes out in the background.
He carefully set the book down on the coffin table and pulled a thermometer out of his ear. Don't ask where he got that from; he's the ghost with the most. Anyway, Beetlejuice stuck the thermometer in his mouth to check if he was too angry to tend to Lydia. He kept that thermometer in his mouth for about a few seconds before taking it out. As expected, the thermometer flashed a bright red light, indicating that he was indeed too angry to deal with a baby.
"It's your turn, Ginge! The thermometer apparently says that I'm too angry to take care of Babe," Beetlejuice declared as he tossed the thermometer aside.
"Is that an excuse or something-"
Beetlejuice pinched Ginger's lips shut before she could finish her sentence, "Shh! Shh! I'm not asking! I'm telling you! Now deal with the kid or I'll squash you again!"
Ginger grumbled annoyedly as she tramped her way over to the basket. She generally wasn't much of a fighter, so it was best that she would not add fuel to the fire by listening to Beetlejuice's commands. Beetlejuice, who was pleased that Ginger listened to him for once, flashed a sincere grin before continuing to read the book. Ginger flashed a smile back and scooped Lydia up from her basket. By the time Ginger had come to her rescue, Lydia had snot and tears running down her face from crying for too long. Even though she was only a baby, she seemed to be partially aware that she couldn't communicate in a meaningful way. It was as if she really wanted something but she was frustrated because she didn't know how to speak English like a proper human. Well, Ginger could already tell what Lydia wanted simply by touching the bottom of her diaper, which was starting to become soggy and damp. She cringed out of disgust as she tried not to drop Lydia to the floor from the dirty diaper she was touching.
"P.U! I definitely can tell why she's crying now!" rasped Ginger, trying not to puke from the smell of Lydia's diaper.
"Dirty diaper, eh? Let's see if there's a page about that," Beetlejuice hummed as he flipped through the book.
The ghost flipped through the book until he found a section centering around changing diapers. Much like the other section, the baby on the page looked more like a monster than a human. The page showed the baby getting his diaper changed by his mother, who looked identical to her son except with blonde hair and a white apron. Underneath the picture was a list of supplies needed for a successful diaper change.
"Alright, so what we need is a cloth or disposable diaper, a towel or a changing table to lay the baby on, a pack of wipes, some safety pins, a bottle of baby powder, a bottle of diaper cream, a bottle of lotion, and a hazmat helmet," Beetlejuice read the list out loud.
Beetlejuice stopped reading and glanced at Ginger, who was rocking and swaying a crying Lydia in her arms. He then skimmed the page one more time before sighing disappointingly.
"We don't have any baby supplies yet, so we're just gonna have to wait until Jacques gets back," declared Beetlejuice as he slammed the book shut.
"But we can't wait for that long! She's gonna get a bad rash if we leave her sitting in her dirty diaper for too long! And you know she's gonna cry even longer if she gets a bad rash!" Ginger beseeched as she continued to rock Lydia.
"Ugh! Fine! We'll change her diaper! Hopefully, that will keep her quiet for the next few hours!" grumbled Beetlejuice, tossing the book onto the floor and floating to the kitchen to grab some substitute supplies.
While searching in the kitchen, he found a stained washrag, a bottle of dish soap, and a towel that was lying on the table for some reason. These should be more than enough to keep Lydia's bum clean for the next few hours. But before Beetlejuice could leave the room, he noticed that he forgot one more thing. Yes, a diaper needed to cover the baby's bum! There were obviously no diapers of any kind in the roadhouse, so Beetlejuice dug through one of the kitchen cabinets to find a makeshift diaper for Lydia. Not surprisingly enough, he had a habit of hoarding tablecloths, even ones that were worn out and dirty. He was hesitant to use one of his precious cloth collections at first, but he had to benefit his daughter, so he had no choice. He pulled a green tablecloth out of the stuffed cabinet and walked back to the dying room with the supplies in his arms and a proud look on his face. He felt more than confident to change Lydia's diaper, even if there was a high chance she might pee on him.
"Ginge, lie the baby on the towel so we can get started!" ordered Beetlejuice as he set the supplies on the floor behind him.
Ginger silently nodded her head and hopped off of the coffin table to start her job. She placed Lydia beside Beetlejuice and ran behind him to grab the towel. She then spread the towel on the floor and left the rest of the job to Beetlejuice since she didn't want her hand to get contaminated by the dirty diaper. Ginger trembled nervously as she glanced at Lydia, who was still crying and kicking her legs. Beetlejuice shot Ginger a serious look while crossing his arms; he could tell that Ginger was being paranoid about a harmless baby and he wanted nothing to do with it.
"Come on! Just lie her down already! It's not that difficult!" he demanded, keeping his glare strong.
The spider gulped a huge wad of spit as she turned toward Lydia. Because she had no wish of getting squashed by Beetlejuice again, she had to be a little compliant in order to get the job done. After taking a deep breath, she dragged Lydia by her arms to the middle of the towel.
"Great! Now we can just take one look inside and-"
Beetlejuice gagged at the surprise inside Lydia's diaper. For a ghost who loved gross stuff, this was out-of-character of him. Well, we could just say that even he has standards. We can't look at Beetlejuice and automatically assume that he loves all things gross.
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! THAT'S TOO DISGUSTING EVEN FOR MY STANDARDS! AND THIS IS COMING FROM SOMEONE WHO EATS MOLDY HAM FOR LUNCH EVERY DAY!" cringed Beetlejuice as he turned his head away from Lydia.
"You see?! That's exactly what I've been trying to tell you about!" Ginger tried to convince Beetlejuice as she walked toward him.
"You were trying to tell me something! But you didn't even say anything! You were quivering like a cornered puppy!" Beetlejuice chided as he transformed into a puppy.
"No, I wasn't! I was trying to prove a point about human babies being disgusting and putrid!" explained Ginger.
To convince Beetlejuice that she didn't want to take part in the diaper change, she tried to pull the dirty diaper off of Lydia. When her hand touched the soggy part of the diaper, she let out a loud shriek and flinched.
"I'm definitely not changing her! You love gross stuff, right? You do it!" Ginger gagged as she held her hands over her mouth in disgust.
"Me?! No, I'm not doing it! I've already said it loud and clear: I'm not changing her diaper!" refused Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice and Ginger began to argue over whose job it was to change Lydia's diaper. It was honestly unusual to see Ginger actually bickering considering that she was the self-proclaimed pacifist of the roadhouse. The two friends were pointing fingers at each other and barking out excuses for why they shouldn't touch a single diaper. The argument eventually got so out of hand, Lydia herself began to feel annoyed by the argument that was taking place in front of her. She knew Beetlejuice, Jacques, and Ginger were raising her as a family, so watching the argument unfold gave her mixed messages about what a true family should be like. She crossed her arms and glared at Beetlejuice and Ginger as they continued to argue and bicker.
"Ahem!" Lydia blurted out, trying to gain the attention of the two friends.
Beetlejuice and Ginger ended their argument to tend to Lydia, who was still glaring at them.
"I think she's trying to tell us that changing a diaper isn't as hard as we think," stated Ginger.
"Wow, she's not only cute, but she's really smart as well!" Beetlejuice chirped as he folded his hands. "I gotta give you credit, kid! If you keep this up, I may as well sign you up for Phlegmsa!"
He was about to remove Lydia's diaper, but then he realized he had juicing powers that could zap it away. With a confident smile on his face, he pointed his finger at Lydia's diaper and zapped it into smithereens. Lydia giggled, happy that her skin was able to breathe without the restraints of a dirty diaper.
"There, that's better! Now Ginge is gonna wipe you good!" Beetlejuice cooed.
Ginger squirted some dish soap onto the washrag and began to gently wipe Lydia's bum from front to back.
"Does that tickle, Babe? DOES THAT TICKLE YOUR HEINIE WEINIE?!" Ginger asked in a goofy voice as she continued to wipe Lydia's bum.
Lydia laughed harder at Ginger while trying to kick her legs, which were confined by Ginger's hands holding them. It was unknown whether she laughed at her bum getting wiped or the goofy inflection in Ginger's voice. Perhaps she was just a happy baby who loved life in general. Aside from the pesky clinginess, she usually was a happy baby. Beetlejuice and Ginger should consider themselves lucky — they could've dealt with a baby who cried nonstop no matter what they did.
"There! Now your bummy wummy is cleany weeny!" cooed Ginger as she set the washrag down.
The spider gave Lydia a brief belly tickle, causing her to let out a piercing screech of happiness.
"Wow, you've got lungs! Yes, you've got lungs, baby monkey! Yes you do!" giggled Ginger, rubbing her face against Lydia like she's some spider and cat hybrid.
Lydia kept on uttering obnoxious noises as Ginger nuzzled against her. While it was adorable to see Ginger bonding with the baby in her own unique way, it was disrupting the diaper change. Beetlejuice let Ginger know that they weren't playing any games by picking her up from Lydia. He then used his bare hands to rip the green tablecloth in half. This may be a theory, but Beetlejuice probably stole Jacques' weights at one point because how he managed to tear a tough piece of cloth in half was outstanding.
"Here comes the hard part," Beetlejuice told Ginger as she watched in silence.
He lifted Lydia by her legs and slipped the piece of cloth under her bottom. Now he had to figure out how to make the cloth function like an actual diaper. He studied Lydia and the green cloth for a moment before turning his attention toward Ginger.
"Ginge, fetch the book for me, will ya?!" Beetlejuice ordered.
Ginger got up and grabbed the book from off the floor. Surprisingly enough, she did not put up a fight or an argument with Beetlejuice since he told her what to do. She was normally obedient toward the monsters she knew, so it wasn't much of a surprise.
"Do you remember what page the diaper changing section is on?" asked Ginger as she handed the book to Beetlejuice.
"Yes, I do! Now shut up so I can concentrate on getting this done!" Beetlejuice hissed as he opened the book and flipped through the pages.
Lydia babbled tunefully to herself as Beetlejuice continued to search through the book. In the nick of time, he spotted a very familiar picture of a monster getting its diaper changed. The picture literally rang a bell in Beetlejuice's head.
"Found it!" Beetlejuice exclaimed as he pointed at the picture. "Now it's really going to be showtime."
The ghost flipped over to the next page, which had a tutorial about how to put a diaper on. He began to quietly read the section to himself while glancing at Lydia between every paragraph. He had to force himself to read the paragraph three times in a row so he could get the gist of changing a human infant. He never particularly enjoyed reading books, but that was what he had to do, whether he liked it or not.
"OK," Beetlejuice began, setting the book down and hovering his hands in front of Lydia. "If we're putting on a cloth diaper, then we have to fold the diaper like a triangle…"
Upon realizing that he already slipped the cloth under Lydia's bottom, Beetlejuice rested his head in his hands and grumbled to himself. He picked Lydia up and placed her in the crevice of his lap before continuing the process. While following the instructions in the book, he folded the cloth like a triangle. He then placed Lydia back on the cloth triangle and pulled all the sides up to her belly, forming a makeshift diaper. Before he could skedaddle and commence his usual pranking, there was one more thing Beetlejuice had to do: fasten the diaper.
"Ginge, hold the diaper together while I brainstorm!" Beetlejuice ordered as his head literally turned into a thundercloud.
As Ginger pinched the sides of the diaper together, Beetlejuice tried to think up some ways to prevent an accident from happening. What if the diaper were to slip off because it was too loose? What if Lydia began crying because she felt uncomfortable from the diaper being too tight? There was no way he was going to let any of those accidents from happening; he wanted Lydia to feel comfortable and safe in his presence. It didn't matter if he was a dirty sleazeball who slept in slime and had bugs and tiny foreign objects living in his ratted hair. It had been said many times throughout this story; he loved Lydia like a daughter. Speaking of tiny foreign objects, it was possible that he had something that would keep Lydia's makeshift diaper together. Wait, that's it! He could use an object from his hair! It would be unknown what object he would pull out; hopefully, it won't be a cockroach. He better not pull out a cockroach.
Fortunately, he didn't pull out a cockroach. He instead pulled out a safety pin. At least the safety pin wasn't dangerous, although it did get caught in Beetlejuice's hair while he was trying to pull it out.
"And for the final touch, we fasten the diaper with a safety pin!" Beetlejuice declared in a faux British accent as he fastened the makeshift diaper with the safety pin.
Lydia giggled happily as Beetlejuice and Ginger rewarded each other with a high five.
"So, now that we changed Babe's diaper, do you think we should put her to sleep? She's been through a lot today!" asked Ginger.
Beetlejuice watched Lydia giggle and flail her limbs while scratching his chin thoughtfully. He scooped Lydia up and held her in front of his face, still humming to himself as if he was judging her. Her makeshift diaper was sagging, partially exposing her buttocks. This was likely due to Beetlejuice forgetting to fasten the diaper tightly around her waist.
After dedicating a few seconds to judging Lydia and her playfulness, he placed her back on the floor.
"Does she seem tired to you? She's way too playful to fall asleep!" he remarked.
Beetlejuice picked the book back up and searched desperately for a solution to help lull Lydia to sleep; he needed to find a way to help her sleep. Even though she knew little to nothing about babies — human or not — Ginger hopped into Beetlejuice's lap and peeked at the book as he flipped through the pages.
"When a baby refuses to sleep, it could mean many things. Your baby could either be hungry, have a dirty diaper, or be overtired." Beetlejuice read. "If neither of these applies to your baby's needs, here is an old trick in the book that's worked for many centuries. First, hold your baby in a fetal position in your arms. You may also wrap her in a soft blanket if you would like."
Beetlejuice glared at Ginger, signaling her to pick up Lydia and bring her over to him. Like a servile butler, Ginger walked over to Lydia and carried her over to her ghostly neighbor's arms. Beetlejuice handed Ginger the book in exchange for the baby. The book was too heavy for Ginger to hold, being a 2 ½-foot spider and all. Lydia was a piece of cake for her to hold as she only weighed 6 to 8 pounds, which was way below average for a baby her age. Perhaps it was an understatement; real-life spiders would get crushed by a book or a baby — Ginger was an exception to this rule. She began to fill in for Beetlejuice, who was holding Lydia against his chest
"Now that you have the baby in your arms, start rocking and bouncing her in a gentle rhythmic motion against your chest. Create some shushing noises as you rock your baby. This simulates the feeling of being inside a mother's womb, and everyone knows that babies love being reminded of the times when they didn't have to face the outside world," Ginger read the book out loud.
Ginger was puzzled by the book's mention of "wombs" and "maternal feelings". Again, she was not experienced in babysitting at all, let alone human babies.
"Hey, I thought monsters knew nothing about humans and their development! Where's the consistency, Beetlejuice?!" queried Ginger.
"You're a spider, Ginge! Spiders hatch from eggs! Of course you don't know where Babe came from! She might as well have been dropped off by a stork or something," answered Beetlejuice as he rocked and bounced Lydia against his chest.
"Wait a minute, didn't you say that you found her in a graveyard?! I asked you if there are any creatures in the Neitherworld who get pregnant like humans do!" Ginger demanded.
"Well... yeah, I guess! Anyway, the rocking and bouncing aren't working at all! She's still laughing and trying to pull my hair! Whoever says this method has worked for centuries clearly needs a brain check!" Beetlejuice growled, continuing to aggressively rock Lydia.
Lydia squealed loudly while batting at Beetlejuice's hair like a kitten.
"Why don't we look at some other methods?" Ginger declared as she flipped through the pages of the book. "A-ha! The back-stroking trick! Now let's see… It says to lay your baby on her belly on your lap. Next, you place a finger on the baby's back and start stroking the spine until she shows signs of tiredness."
As the book instructed, Beetlejuice transitioned Lydia from the crook of his arms to his lap. He began stroking Lydia's spine with his index finger, causing her to laugh harder. Beetlejuice was right; while the book was helpful in terms of learning how to change a diaper, it proved to be a huge scam when it came to getting an energetic baby to sleep. The ghost was furious because he couldn't get the freedom he wanted from taking care of Lydia. He clenched his teeth and growled like an angry dog, trying not to let his head explode.
"UGH! WHY WON'T SHE JUST FALL ASLEEP ALREADY?! HER CRYING IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT HER GIGGLING AND SQUEALING ARE DRIVING ME NUTS!" Beetlejuice roared as he transformed into an acorn.
Beetlejuice visioned himself picking Lydia up and slamming her against the wall multiple times until she was unconscious. At the same time, he knew Jacques and Ginger would never trust him again if he were to perform such an action; heck, he would be punished even worse than he ever had in his afterlife if he were to treat her like she was some ragdoll. With Ginger staring at him in a concerned way, he had no choice but to play it safe by placing Lydia in her basket and walking to the telephone to call Jacques for help. He frantically dialed Jacques' phone number while turning his attention back to Lydia every now and then.
"Hello, Jacques?! I really need your help! Please… CAAAAAAAAALLLLL!" Beetlejuice called into the receiver.
Unfortunately for him, the phone did not bother to answer. He was instead met with an annoying message, "Allo! You have reached Jacques Lalean, fitness extraordinaire! I am very sorry, but I cannot answer at zis time! Please remember to call 899-700-BONE for more information! Zank you and au revoir!"
The phone beeped, leaving Beetlejuice with no answers or help. He sighed annoyedly as he hung the receiver back on the telephone.
"Welp, I guess we're gonna have to wait until bonehead gets back," Beetlejuice sulked as he tramped back to the couch.
"But she's just gonna get louder and louder if we don't pay attention to her!" warned Ginger.
Beetlejuice's head turned into a lightbulb at the thought of a potential idea forming.
"Ginge, you just gave me the perfect plan! If we ignore the baby, she'll learn that she won't always be catered to and she'll fall asleep on her own!" burst Beetlejuice as he raised his finger in the air.
"That actually doesn't sound like a bad idea!" Ginger concurred. "To be fair, she does need to learn that we won't always be here or else we're gonna be dealing with a very clingy little girl."
To pass the time, Beetlejuice and Ginger decided to watch some daytime television. Lydia noticed that nobody was paying attention to her, so she began to screech at the loudest decibel possible. Beetlejuice and Ginger were lucky that this was taking place in a private setting like the roadhouse rather than at a restaurant or an airplane. It sounded like there was a parrot getting strangled, but they could give less than a dang about Lydia and what she was doing.
Two hours later…
Two hours had passed since Beetlejuice and Ginger started watching cheesy family-friendly sitcoms. If you thought Lydia would tire herself out by that time, nope! She was still shrieking like a strangled parrot because she wanted attention. Don't be fooled by babies, they're a lot smarter than you think. Lydia knew exactly what she was doing and what she wanted from Beetlejuice and Ginger. It was as if she was an overlord who wanted to control the neighbors into catering to her every need. Well, maybe that was a bit too harsh to describe her like that, but still! Poor Beetlejuice and Ginger had dark circles around their eyes from the stress they had endured over the past few hours they had been stuck with Lydia.
"Do you think she'll ever wear herself out?" asked an exhausted Ginger, lying her head on her stick-thin hands.
"Pfft, just wait until the toddler years!" Beetlejuice snarked.
Lydia screeched so loud, it nearly shattered the glass windows of the roadhouse. After letting out a horrible shriek, she transitioned into giggling and babbling.
"BABABABABABABABABABABABABAH! EEEEEEKKKK!" Lydia shrieked obnoxiously, flailing her limbs like a madman.
Beetlejuice and Ginger groaned as Lydia continued to unleash her demonic shrieks from hell.
"Please…. stop," they both begged wearily. "Just… stop already… please?"
Lydia gave no dangs about Beetlejuice and Ginger's pleas for sanity. She was becoming more and more frustrated since they weren't giving in to her demands to play with her. With great ferocity, she let out another piercing shriek, shattering the eardrums of everybody in the room. Lydia's annoying screeching would go on for the next half hour with no breaks. It was honestly impressive how Beetlejuice and Ginger didn't think of throwing her off the cliff after listening to "REEEEEEEEEEK! REEEEEEEEEKK!" for 30 minutes straight. They must have the patience of saints for enduring that.
Finally, after nearly 30 minutes, Lydia wore herself out from screaming her lungs out. She somewhat understood that nobody was paying attention to her and that she must give up. Even if she was a baby, she wasn't completely stupid; she could and was capable of understanding her surroundings and the people — or monsters — around her. It wasn't really a biggie; she will have a lot to learn in life. Every child has the potential to change and grow, whether they were born bad or good.
Lying in her basket, Lydia tried to soothe herself to sleep by sucking on her toes. Ginger, who was watching TV along with Beetlejuice, noticed the cute moment and had to let everyone know about it in her own way.
"Awww! She's eating her feet! Look at how adorable the baby is nibbling on her feet!" Ginger squealed as she clenched her hands, trying to control the urge to squeeze Lydia as a result of cuteness overload. "Are those feetsies yummy, Babe? ARE THEY YUMMY IN YOUR TUMMY?! Oh, I could just… just… JUST TICKLE YOU!"
Ginger prepared to tickle her belly, thighs, and feet. Before she could even touch Lydia's skin, Beetlejuice slapped her away.
"Are you out of your mind?! We just wasted two hours trying to get her to sleep! You don't wanna go through another two hours of listening to screaming and laughing, don't you?!" hissed Beetlejuice.
While she was sucking on her feet, Lydia began to hiccup. This distracted her from her foot-sucking session and she was forced to endure the spasms in her diaphragm. Beetlejuice turned his attention toward Lydia, who was staring off into space hiccuping. He tried to fight the urge to squeal over an adorable little baby since he wanted to keep his gross reputation up, but he had to ultimately give in. As stated many times, he wasn't some lunatic who loved to kill kittens and puppies for ships and giggles — knowing how sick the man was, he most likely had kicked a puppy or two at one point. He had a hidden heart of gold and it was slowly starting to come out ever since Lydia came into his afterlife.
"D'awww… Someone sounds like they need a fine tune-up!" Beetlejuice cooed, trying not to break down over Lydia's squeaks.
He scooped Lydia into his arms and began to pat and rub her back gently. The baby girl yawned through her hiccups and gurgled herself to sleep while cuddling against Beetlejuice's shoulder. The fact that a defenseless creature was actually bonding with him was too much to handle. The sweet gurgles and coos and the cuddling against his shoulder like a little kitten were enough to make him flash the biggest smile. After giving her a kiss on the head, he tucked her into her basket. The hard work was now done and Beetlejuice couldn't be any more proud.
"Ginge, you did well today," Beetlejuice complimented the spider as he patted her abdomen. "For your hard work, I think you should rest."
Beetlejuice scooped Ginger and began to pat her back like he did with Lydia. Ginger, being a full-grown adult, wasn't impressed by Beetlejuice trying to lull her to sleep. She scowled like the grumpy old man next door and tried to wiggle herself out.
"But Beetlejuice! It's 6 o'clock in the evening! Why would you put me to sleep so early?!" Ginger queried, struggling to break free from Beetlejuice's arms.
"Shut it, spidey! Please… just shut up," Beetlejuice put his finger over the spider's lips and continued to rock and sway her.
The ghost began to sing a lullaby to Ginger, all while rocking her like she was a baby spider. Unlike Jacques' singing, it sounded like a cross between a parrot squawking and nails on a chalkboard. His singing was so terrible and offkey, that even the sandworms from down below were cowering in pain. If he thought his singing would help get Ginger to sleep, he was dead wrong. Before the poor spider could have a chance to escape, he brought her closer to his chest and forced her to smell his unwashed shirt.
"Rock-a-bye, Ginger… on the big snot! When the wind blows… the spider will rot!" Beetlejuice sang offkey as he cuddled Ginger against his chest like she was some inanimate teddy bear.
After cuddling and hugging her in the most uncomfortable manner possible, he cradled her tightly and began to make shushing noises into her non-existent ears. Ginger had given up trying to escape at this point and she forced herself to realize that Beetlejuice was actually doing something good for her. She silently told herself that she should be lucky Beetlejuice wasn't pranking or harassing her like he usually did. Yes, he could've been forcing her to sniff his armpits instead of rocking her to sleep like a good ghost. She should seriously consider herself lucky. Heck, anyone who was Beetlejuice's neighbor should be lucky that he wasn't targeting them at the moment.
"Go to sleep, Ginger… Go to sleep," Beetlejuice creepily whispered into Ginger's "ear" like he was some serial killer.
"Whatever you say, creep!" Ginger acknowledged before closing her eyes and falling asleep.
Now that Ginger was asleep, Beetlejuice decided to give her one big kiss on the head. He puckered his lips and brought Ginger close to his face to kiss her until an unexpected noise interrupted the moment.
Creak…
The sound of the front door opening could be heard as Beetlejuice was kissing Ginger. A familiar French skeleton entered the roadhouse with a gothic baby carriage full of supplies stuffed in plastic bags. Before he could even utter a single word, he saw Beetlejuice and Ginger staring blankly like deers in headlights, still frozen with their puckered lips touching each other. The skeleton tried not to break into a laughing fit as he witnessed his two friends looking like they were making out with each other. It was an awkward moment, indeed.
"Aww! You two look so adorable!" Jacques squealed as pushed the carriage aside and ran toward Beetlejuice and Ginger. "I didn't know you had a love for Ginger, Be-atlejooze! Taking care of ze baby togezere must've made you two close, no?"
Beetlejuice squealed and threw Ginger on the floor, spitting and brushing his tongue out of disgust. He made sure there weren't any traces of spider cooties left on them. With an expression that looked both embarrassed and furious, he stomped toward Jacques and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.
"Listen, boney butthead! If any word about this gets out, I'm turning you into Poopsie's breakfast tomorrow morning! You understand?" Beetlejuice threatened, pulling Jacques closer to his face to look more intimidating.
Despite his Beetlejuice's clearly angry face, Jacques took it as a sign that he was doing okay. And no, Jacques was not a bonehead by any means; he just had no mean bones in his body — if he had one. Pleased that his friend was doing fine, he smiled as he gently pushed him away.
"So, how's ze baby? Did anysing happen to her? Did she do somesing cute? Iz she still a little cutie patootie?" The skeleton peppered Beetlejuice and Ginger with questions regarding Lydia, who was sleeping in her basket.
"She wouldn't stop crying at first. I hoped that it wasn't because she missed you. Anyway, we found out that her diaper was soiled, so we worked together cleaning her. There were no diapers or anything, so we had to use a tablecloth. Then she spent a couple of hours screaming for no reason and now she's pooped out," Beetlejuice explained as he showed the basket to Jacques.
"I knew you could do eet! You both did great at protecting my… oop! Our little angel," Jacques corrected himself.
The skeleton happily pushed the baby carriage full of supplies toward Beetlejuice and Ginger as if he was about to present his favorite toy at show and tell. Judging by the eager expression on his face, it was becoming obvious that Jacques was starting to devote his afterlife to a human infant. While Beetlejuice was already guilty of this, the signs were stronger with Jacques.
"Eef you were wondering why I was gone for so long, eet was because I was searching for ze perfect carriage for Babe! I have a feeling she's gonna love spooky zings, so I picked out a black carriage decked wiz little bats and skulls! It haz cute little purple wheels and a bone handle! Ooh, Look! Zere's even a bone mobile attached to ze canopy!" Jacques flicked the tiny dangling bones attached to the canopy of the carriage.
While Beetlejuice showed modest praise for the carriage, he was scowling on the inside at how "frou-frou" it looked. He was rather disappointed that it wasn't a giant cockroach or a monster truck. Ginger, on the other hand, was spellbound by the frilly yet spooky design. It was as if she saw the world's greatest tap dancer standing right in front of her.
"I love the carriage, Jacques! I think it suits our daughter well," Ginger complimented.
"Eh, I guess it's good enough. I really wish it was a giant bug, not some girly stroller. But if you like it, then I'm fine!" commented Beetlejuice as he passive-aggressively critiqued the carriage. "Anyway, what's in the bags? I'm dying to know!"
"Well, zince we are taking care of a human baby, eet was obvious zat we were going to need multiple stacks of diapers," Jacques explained as he gestured toward the bags in the carriage like he was presenting them at show and tell. "I have also bought some Neizerwerld baby formula, some bottles, some pacifiers, some toys, a hairbrush, some hair ties for when ze baby finally grows some hair, a bottle of shampoo, some cute little clothes…"
The skeleton continued to ramble on about the items he bought from the store; he did bite off a little more than he could chew since the bags almost burst from the number of things that were stuffed in them. Heck, he didn't even need some of those items until Lydia was older. I mean, what kind of baby would use a miniature weight set other than for potential teething toys? Did Jacques want Lydia to grow up to be a bodybuilder? Why would he even be considered a certified babysitter if he bought items that he knew were useless for Lydia? To be fair, the miniature weights were really just run-of-the-mill baby rattles; you know, the ones with smiley faces and bright colors. Perhaps Jacques wasn't biting off more than he could chew after all.
Beetlejuice and Ginger watched Jacques in awe as he lifted all 12 bags with a single hand out of the carriage. It wasn't all that surprising considering he was a bodybuilder; it was more so about the fact that he was a skeleton lifting 40 pounds worth of supplies with only one hand.
"And in addition to ze Baby's First Weight Set, I have also bought some diaper changing supplies! Baby powder, ointment, wipes, safety pins… ze basics!" Jacques happily rambled on. "I also bought some blankets and pillows for her! I, unfortunately, couldn't afford a crib, so she's gonna have to sleep in ze basket until we buy one. So yeah, zat's pretty much the bare necessities for taking care of a baby."
"I think you meant the bear necessities!" Beetlejuice joked as he transformed into a dancing grizzly bear.
Jacques chuckled as he watched Beetlejuice dance and hop around.
"Zat's very funny, Be-atlejooze!" he giggled, placing all the bags back in the carriage. "Now eef you excuse me, I'm going to take Babe away so you can relax!"
Jacques grabbed a small teddy bear from one of the bags and walked toward the basket, where Lydia was sleeping.
"Allo, sweetie! I'm back from ze store! Did you miss me?" Jacques asked as he stroked the palm of Lydia's hand with his finger.
Lydia woke up from her catnap to see a happy skeleton smiling at her. Instead of immediately screaming like most babies would do if they saw a skeleton in front of them, she began giggling and cooing.
"Oui, I am going to do my evening workout routine! You are more zan welcome to watch me with your new teddy weddy!" chirped Jacques before proceeding to kiss Lydia's forehead multiple times.
Lydia cooed back at the skeleton, who was continuing to kiss her head. Jacques giggled and placed the teddy bear in the basket.
"You can both take a break! You've done well today!" Jacques declared, walking over to Beetlejuice. "And as for you, Be-atlejooze… keep up ze good work!"
Beetlejuice blushed as Jacques hugged him. After tolerating a few seconds of affection, he pushed the skeleton away from him.
"Thanks, Jacques! I do need to chill out a bit!" grinned Beetlejuice as he transformed into an ice cube.
"Uh-huh! Now you can relax and watch your favorite TV zows! You've earned eet!" Jacques acknowledged before puckering his lips to kiss Beetlejuice's cheek.
Beetlejuice knew that Jacques was going to give him a big fat kiss, so he roughly pushed him away. It was a miracle Jacques didn't fall on the basket because Lydia would've gotten crushed and suffocated by 40 pounds of bones.
"I knew where you were going with that!" scowled Beetlejuice.
Jacques rolled his eyes and let out a deep sigh.
"I just wanted to congratulate you for your hard work," said Jacques as he picked up the basket. "Let me know when you're willing to show some affection and gratitude toward your cher mari!"
Clutching the basket in his arms, the skeleton stormed out of the room with an angry expression on his face. It was funny how Jacques wasn't paying attention to the happy baby cooing and gurgling at him; he was more focused on thinking of plans to get revenge on Beetlejuice for disowning him. Beetlejuice lacking any speck of remorse or empathy for Jacques honestly wasn't surprising, to say the least. He was mean, and his neighbors knew it.
"Nah! Who needs him?! I've got my TV and a dead purple spider lying at my feet!" Beetlejuice exclaimed, raising his arms up in the air.
Ginger's slumber was interrupted by the faint chuckling of her ghost neighbor. She also overheard him calling her a "dead purple spider", which was more than enough to snap her out of her brief nap.
"What… What did you just call me?" Ginger asked wearily as she got up from the floor.
The first thing she noticed when snapping out of her sleep inertia was the carriage still full of bags with supplies.
"Hey, didn't Jacques say something about putting away the supplies? We don't want the roadhouse to look disorganized with all these bags lying there!" Ginger pointed out as she pointed toward the carriage.
Beetlejuice shot the scariest death glare in the history of the Neitherworld. It was as if somebody deeply offended him by telling him that he has to tidy up the roadhouse a bit. The word "clean" and any synonyms related to it were the banes of Beetlejuice's existence. He picked Ginger up by her legs and held her upside down while keeping his scary glare.
"NO! THE ROADHOUSE DOES NOT NEED TO BE ORGANIZED! I LIKE IT THE WAY IT IS! BESIDES, JACQUES SAID NOTHING ABOUT PUTTING AWAY THE SUPPLIES! I THINK HE'S JUST MOPING AROUND ABOUT HOW I don't show any gratitude toward him! I'VE ALWAYS HATED THAT BONEHEAD! EVEN WHEN WE FIRST MET WHEN WE WERE BABIES!" Beetlejuice roared.
"Beetlejuice! What did I tell you about not insulting your neighbor like that?!" scolded Ginger as she crossed her arms. "Put me down and knock that attitude off!"
Beetlejuice threw Ginger onto the floor like she was a used tissue. While she did bruise her abdomen from the rough fall, the pain wasn't too major.
"Can we just pat ourselves on the back for all the hard work we've accomplished while Jacques was gone? I know I was asleep when he came home, but we gotta keep calm whether he's around or not! And it isn't just Jacques we're speaking of, we gotta regard the baby too! Babies are very impressionable creatures and our constant bickering might rub off on Babe! You don't want a pint-sized version of you living in the roadhouse, don't you?" Ginger told Beetlejuice while gesturing with her hands.
Beetlejuice just stared at Ginger like she was speaking Japanese.
"Are you gonna keep trying to hammer the moral of the story into my head?! We're not even a day in and you're already coming up with excuses for us to get along! Sorry, bud-o, but Neitherworlders don't change a bit! Not even bad behavior!" Beetlejuice scoffed.
"Come on, Beetlejuice! I just want to make our afterlives easier! Now that Jacques is home and has Babe under his care, what do you want to do to kick back and unwind?" asked Ginger, taking Beetlejuice's hand and holding it.
Beetlejuice tried to think of an activity he would do when he wasn't pranking the mayor or stomping on beetles. He didn't have the greatest memory, so it took him a moment to think up something he could do. Whether it was something fun like playing a board game or stomping on beetles, the choices were endless. Heck, the Neitherworld had a ton of opportunities to waste time in a fun and efficient way.
"I said I wanted to watch some TV," said Beetlejuice. "Does that sound good to you?"
Ginger nodded her head.
"Maybe we can watch Wet Slime Story?" the spider asked as she grabbed a cassette tape from the bookshelf. "Ooh! Ooh! How about we watch Romance In Manhackton?! That one's my favorite!"
Beetlejuice grumbled as Ginger presented him with an assortment of movies that focused solely on Broadway stars.
"I bet you would love Follow The Feet! That one's such a classic! I like the part where Sherry and Fred dance together in the contest! And then a giant foot crushes them! Hehehe, that part was so funny! It makes me wanna reenact it with Jacques, and you could be the giant foot crushing us! Wouldn't that be funny, Beetlejuice? Wouldn't it? Wouldn't it? Wouldn't-"
Beetlejuice's body was full of tension and annoyance as the spider kept rambling on about the scene with the giant foot. He was immature himself, but Ginger's constant chattering was getting on his nerves. She had a nasty habit of repeating the same question over and over until her answer was fulfilled. That trait alone was one of the reasons why Beetlejuice always had animosity with Ginger; she was both loud and talkative when it came to specific activities she had immense interest in. The B-guy may as well call himself a hypocrite because he too would be all loud and talkative whenever he was around garbage or beetles.
To silence the constant chatter of Ginger, he pinched her lips shut.
"Please, Ginge… Just shut up," Beetlejuice politely told Ginger.
He let go of Ginger's lips, allowing her to catch her breath.
"You're starting to remind me of that big-mouthed idiot who snoops around my house EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! He just doesn't stop asking if he could borrow my stuff! He doesn't stop pestering me to give him money! And he never. stops. TALKING!" Beetlejuice took a deep breath to prevent himself from getting too worked up. "I'm sorry you have to endure my yelling and ranting, but I want one evening where I can sit down and relax without having to worry about a human baby, bad country music, and a weirdo with big lips spying on me through the window!"
"You don't have to worry, Beetlejuice! Jacques has Babe under his care and The Monster Across The Street is visiting his parents in Scarazona for the weekend!" Ginger reassured. "Didn't we make a deal that we would help each other out?"
"Yeah, I guess," Beetlejuice answered solemnly.
Beetlejuice scooped the spider into his arms and sat down on the couch. He grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, which presented a black-and-white static screen.
"I honestly don't give a ham about what we watch," stated Beetlejuice as he transformed into a moldy ham. "You can choose the movie. I'm mentally burnt out!"
Ginger smiled, hopping out of Beetlejuice's arms to turn on the VCR. She then took the cassette tape out of its box and slipped it into the video machine. The movie Ginger chose was Follow The Feet, which was a cheesy film with a lot of dancing and drama. As the warning screen on the TV screen faded to black, Ginger noticed that Beetlejuice looked exhausted. Even if he had a calm expression, she could tell that he was feeling burnt out from all the chaos that had happened. From adopting a human baby to picking pointless fights with his friends, his brain was as fried as a deep-fried butter on a stick. If his brain could talk, it would be begging Beetlejuice to put it out of its misery.
"Beej… are you alright?" Ginger asked in a concerned tone.
There was no word or cough from Beetlejuice. He just sat there motionless with his head resting on his hands, refusing to utter a single noise.
"Oh… I see," responded Ginger. "I guess I'll leave you to your own devices."
Just as Ginger walked to her guest room to practice her tap dancing, her mind told her that her friend needed some reassurance and company. Calling Beetlejuice her "friend" was a bit of a stretch, but he had been her neighbor for many centuries, so why ignore him and his needs? Wearing a concerned expression, Ginger walked to the couch and hopped onto Beetlejuice's lap. She curled up into a ball like she was some rare species of Neitherworld cat and began making fake purring noises.
Beetlejuice noticed the spider curled in his lap and cracked a half-smile. He tried to force himself to not crack the half-smile, but he couldn't help it because Ginger's behavior was too darn cute. Yes, this was coming from the ghost who loathed anything cute and adorable; perhaps even naughty ghosts like Beetlejuice have standards of what they consider cute. Well, to be fair, Beetlejuice would find a kitten to be more boring than cute — except if it drew blood.
"That's very funny, Ginge," Beetlejuice chuckled.
Beetlejuice continued to chuckle as he stroked Ginger's abdomen and thorax. There was nothing more relaxing than watching a cheesy movie with your annoying neighbor. As they watched the part with the song "We Saw The Feet", Beetlejuice transformed into a cat and began rubbing against Ginger while releasing his own purr motors. Ginger "purred" harder and buried her head into Beetlejuice's fur. As rocky and volcanic as Beetlejuice and Ginger's relationship was at times, there was always room for plenty of friendly bonding and affection. The friendly bonding and affection will hopefully last at least a century or two, maybe as Lydia grows from a helpless baby to an elderly woman. We can't always predict relationships, but it will hopefully get better. Eventually.