Nighttime had arrived in the Neitherworld. With the multiple suns setting below the stone platforms, it was time for the multiple moons to make their appearance. The deep red and orange sky turned into a blue and dark purple hue, complete with twinkling stars and multiple moons. Everybody, even the bad guys, was cooped inside their homes as the day gradually came to an end. Beetlejuice was one of those bad guys; he and his neighbors were getting ready to turn in for the night. The presence of Lydia made it harder for them to continue getting ready though. They simply couldn't help but watch her sleep like the baby she was.
"Doesn't she look adorable with that teddy bear's arm in her mouth?" Ginger gushed.
"She's quite literally sleeping like a baby!" chirped Beetlejuice before transforming into a sleeping baby.
"Um, we would like to have only one baby to take care of?" groused Ginger as she turned her head away from the ghost baby.
Beetlejuice transformed back to his adult self and inched his head closer to Lydia, who was sleeping in her basket.
"I really hope the kid stays asleep for the whole night! I mean, what kind of person wakes up in the middle of the night?" Beetlejuice beseeched as she watched Lydia sleep.
"Oh, s'il te plaît! I hear you complain about ze Monster's country sing-alongs every night!" disputed Jacques.
"You're wrong, bonehead!" retorted Beetlejuice, lunging his finger toward the skeleton's face. "Ginger told me that Monster's been gone for the past day because he's visiting family in Scarazona! The baby should be lucky that he's not offending our ears with WHERE THE BUFFALOS ROAM all night long!"
"Don't get too hopeful, Be-atlejooze! Ze baby might offend our earholes with her crying very soon!" Jacques warned as he pushed Beetlejuice away from him.
Beetlejuice shuddered at the thought of Lydia waking up a billion times every millisecond.
"Oh, no, no, no! Please don't jinx me! I said that Babe would sleep through the night! You're not going to prove otherwise!" prayed Beetlejuice, clenching his fists into tiny balls.
"You're talking to a skeleton who knows a lot about childcare! The babysitter's always right!" said Ginger.
"Uh-huh! I have been a nanny zince my college days, and zere were about a dozen or so babies who woke me up at 1 in ze morning! Sometimes zey just wouldn't go back to sleep!" stated Jacques.
As the partially bitter conversion was still going strong, Lydia began to fuss and squirm. The teddy bear's arm was no longer in her mouth; that alone gave her a reason to prepare for the upcoming waterworks. Her faint whimpering caught the attention of the neighbors, who were silently praying for her to not wake up. Fortunately, Beetlejuice was able to save the night from being completely ruined by simply shoving the teddy bear's arm back into her mouth.
"You know, I think we should hit the sack a little earlier than usual!" Beetlejuice declared.
The ghost poofed up a pillow and began to vigorously punch it like it was a punching bag. After causing the feathers in the pillow to explode everywhere, he flashed a sincere smile at his neighbors, ignoring the fluffy mess that was beside him. The mess didn't last long as it was one of Beetlejuice's literal pun moments; it poofed away faster than it arrived.
"Know what I mean?" asked Beetlejuice.
Jacques and Ginger turned toward each other and nodded in agreement.
"That doesn't sound bad!" Ginger approved.
"Oui, as a skeleton who juggles between teaching exercise classes and watching over children, I agree zat we should reset our sanity for ze next day!" added Jacques.
"Yeah, yeah! Get some rest and we'll deal… I mean, care for the kid tomorrow!" Beetlejuice ordered as he picked up the basket and placed it on the coffin table.
"Good night, chère!" Jacques chirped, walking over to hug Beetlejuice.
"Blech!" Beetlejuice rasped as he shoved Jacques away from him. "Go spread your boney germs somewhere else!"
He smirked as he watched the skeleton and spider tramp to their respective guest rooms. He didn't care if they had scowls on their faces; as long as he was benefiting himself, he was fine. The two meetings must've been a waste of time since it seemed like he cared more about Lydia than his neighbors. Jacques was also guilty of being a little too overprotective of the baby girl, but those were normal feelings for a new father. Beetlejuice was just Beetlejuice; he was always selfish and rude toward others, even his own parents.
Keeping that same evil smirk on his face, he picked up the basket and floated to the staircase until reality slapped him. He had realized that since Lydia was young, she would most likely wake him up multiple times every night. Jacques and Ginger too came to a realization that they would be better off sleeping together than in separate rooms. The job of taking care of Lydia at night would be much easier if they just stuck together; after all, they were a self-proclaimed family. Trotting back to the dying room, the neighbors sat down in a circle around the basket and began their rocky debate.
"I really think we should stick together," Beetlejuice stated. "If the baby needs something, we could take turns caring for her! That way, you won't have to leave your rooms and I'll still get more sleep!"
"Zat's a great idea! Co-sleeping iz not only beneficial for ze baby, but eet also saves ze sanity of parents all over ze Neezerwerld!" approved Jacques as he brought the basket over to his lap.
"Ooh, I love that we get to sleep with Babe as a family! She needs comfort and support from us. After all, we're her parents! Isn't that right, sweetie? " Ginger chirped, walking toward the basket to kiss Lydia on the forehead.
Lydia giggled softly when the purple lips touched her head. She uttered a big yawn and stretched her arms and legs, causing the neighbors to lose all focus and smile at her. They were able to snap out of the trance to continue their discussion.
"So now that we've decided to sleep together, we gotta find a place to sleep!" Beetlejuice declared.
"Ooh, ooh! Let's sleep on the floor! We could bring our sleeping bags and throw a little slumber party!" suggested Ginger.
"I'm sorry, Ginger, but I don't zink eet's healthy for ze baby to sleep on ze floor wiz us," Jacques rejected the idea. "We are in Be-atlejooze's part of ze Roadhouse, which means bugs and worms could get into Babe's basket!"
Beetlejuice studied his surroundings to find the perfect place to sleep. Knowing how gross he was, he would certainly choose a mudhole or a toxic waste pit.
"I call sleeping outside!" Beetlejuice shouted, pointing toward the front door of the roadhouse.
Jacques smiled at the idea, "Zat sounds nice. Sleeping under ze stars would make for a very memorable experience wiz-"
"In the mud!" Beetlejuice finished before bursting into maniacal laughter.
Jacques nearly gagged at the thought of Lydia being surrounded by worms and maggots in the mud. He thought of keeping Lydia away from Beetlejuice for what he just said.
"Be-atlejooze! Are you out of your mind?! Ze mud has many germs zat could make Babe sick! Not to mention she's gonna get dirty like you already are!" Jacques rasped as he held the basket protectively against his ribs.
"Oh, I've always liked getting down and dirty!" Beetlejuice purred in a seductive voice.
The neighbors all stared at each other blankly as if the joke flew over their heads. Apparently, characters in this story seemed to hold staring contests whenever there wasn't much going on. It was as if the characters were actors waiting for their next part. Luckily for Beetlejuice, his part was on; you could tell by the evil smirk on his face as his head transformed into a lightbulb.
"Hey, I know! Let's crash at The Monster's place! He's not here, so we could make it our home until he gets back!" Beetlejuice suggested.
"No! We're going to sleep on the roof! I can make a little platform out of my own web!" disputed Ginger.
"Pfft, your web breaks easily! A better place to sleep would be in the middle of the Neitherwoods where we can be one with the wild!" Beetlejuice argued.
"So we're gonna become one with the many giant mosquitoes, sandworms, and dangerous wildlife?! Do you seriously wanna die again, Beetlejuice?" snarked Ginger.
"Nuh-uh! I found the baby and I get to choose the place where we sleep!" objected Beetlejuice.
Jacques sighed annoyedly as he sat there listening to Ginger and Beetlejuice argue over what place they should sleep. Usually, he would be the one arguing with the ghost with the most. Now he was taking a back seat because the supposed "peacemaker" was busy fighting and bickering with a criminal who was the cause of most if not all of the problems in the Neitherworld. It was a rather pointless argument considering that Ginger openly stated she wouldn't let Lydia be exposed to hostility. Knowing what she had stated, she was a hypocrite in this situation. The skeleton could feel a combination of tranquil fury and annoyance in his bones; he wanted to stop the argument as fast as it started. Unlike Ginger, who would scream and yell until the fight came to a stop, Jacques simply let out a deep pitiful sigh.
"Oh, forget eet! Pack all of your belongings and everything you have because we're booking a long stay at a hotel until she's a little older!" Jacques declared as he got up and walked to his guest room.
"Stop in your tracks, bonehead!" Beetlejuice zipped in front of Jacques and transformed a railroad crossing sign. "I happen to have a pull-out couch!"
Beetlejuice teleported to the front of the couch and zapped it with his juice powers. The front of the couch slowly unfolded into a small bed like a transforming robot. The coffin bed tipped over as the pull-out couch finished unfolding. It wasn't a big deal since there were no fragile objects on the coffin table. Jacques and Ginger had never seen anything like it before; their eyes were as wide as a kid discovering presents on Christmas Day.
"Go ahead! Sit on the bed! Tell me what you think!" Beetlejuice flashed his rotten smile, gesturing toward the newly-transformed pullout bed.
Jacques and Ginger studied the bed in both awe and curiosity. They checked to see if there were any holes, stains, or mold on it. Aside from a few rips in the mattress, the pull-out bed was surprisingly pretty clean for something that was from Beetlejuice's side of the roadhouse. They flashed a smile of reassurance at each other before plopping onto the bed.
"Wow! This is so comfy! It feels like I'm lying in the clouds!" chirped Ginger as she rolled around on the bed like a kid playing in the snow.
"Mais oui, I love how big eet feels too! Just right for ze three of us to sleep together!" Jacques approved, holding the basket on his ribs while soaking up the comfiness of the bed.
Beetlejuice couldn't believe that his neighbors were actually complimenting him; he felt as if he won the Hankee Prankee award. Granted, it was rather rare for Beetlejuice to receive unironic compliments, but at least he did something to make his neighbors happy.
"Thank you!" Beetlejuice showed a rare display of manners and poofed up some blankets and pillows onto the bed. "Are you satisfied? 'Cause I would've made you sleep on the floor and I could have the bed to myself!"
Jacques and Ginger got up from the bed to hug their friend. This time, Beetlejuice did not resist the affection and he returned the hug. He could've been a little more gentle next time, but at least he showed some affection.
"You're welcome," Beetlejuice happily replied as he hugged his neighbors.
After giving Jacques and Ginger a rare hug, Beetlejuice stripped down to his boxers and leaped onto the bed. The force of the leap caused the basket to bounce a little. It thankfully did not wake up Lydia, who was still sleeping soundly while cuddling her teddy bear. Jacques and Ginger were the last — but not least — to hop aboard the bed express.
"And little Babe will sleep right there!" Ginger stated as she pushed the basket to the front of the bed.
All three neighbors took turns kissing Lydia good night. They exchanged loving stares at each other as they watched Lydia sleep in her basket.
"Good night, Be-atlejooze!" Jacques smiled before giving his friend a peck on the nose.
Beetlejuice clenched his teeth out of disgust, resisting the temptation to disinfect his face with anti-skeleton cream. Earlier, Jacques had tried to kiss him on the forehead as a reward for watching over Lydia while he was out shopping for baby supplies. Because he wasn't the biggest cuddle bear in the Neitherworld, Beetlejuice did not like Jacques' attempts at affection. He was about to kick Jacques out of bed, but after seeing the judgemental glares from his neighbors, he decided to put a hold on that.
"Good night, buddy," Beetlejuice smirked.
"Good night, Beetlejuice! Good night, Jacques!" chirped Ginger.
"And good night, Babe!" the neighbors exclaimed, turning their attention toward Lydia. "Don't let the bed bugs bite!"
" I can bite the bed bugs! If you know what I mean," Beetlejuice reassured as he pointed at himself.
Jacques and Ginger rolled their eyes and groaned at Beetlejuice, annoyed that he cracked yet another lame joke. Sadly, this was what to expect when living with an excuse for a manchild.
"Very funny, Beetlejuice." Ginger groaned sarcastically.
"What! I was trying to lighten up the night!" Beetlejuice explained as he transformed his head into a lamp.
"Mon amis, let's just get some shut-eye! We've said good night and now we can sleep like ze baby!" Jacques maintained, slinging his arms around Beetlejuice and Ginger.
"OK!" Beetlejuice and Ginger nodded their heads before lying down on the bed.
Jacques let out a chuckle and tucked himself and his friends into a thick blanket. He shot a benevolent gaze at Lydia before lying down and closing his eyes. Much to Beetlejuice's dismay, Jacques snuggled close to him for inner warmth and affection. The ends of his mustache curled into tiny hearts as he snuggled up to his "best" friend. Despite the uncomfortable affection from Jacques, it was looking to be a decent night with baby Lydia in tow.
11:00 P.M
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
The neighbors were startled awake by Lydia's sudden screaming. Considering that Lydia was sleeping soundly a few seconds before the meltdown began, it felt as if an air horn blasted in the roadhouse with no little to no warning. Ear-splitting crying shattered the eardrums of the neighbors as they stared at Lydia, not knowing what to do.
"Why is Babe crying?!" Beetlejuice complained, covering his ears.
"I don't know!" Ginger answered. "Maybe she wants to take away our sleep!"
Beetlejuice floated out of bed to grab the care book from off the floor. He opened the book and flipped through the pages to find a section about baby sleep. Underneath the big bold words "Sleep and Your Baby" had a picture of a sleep-deprived vampire mother rocking her screaming son in his bassinet. The picture was a warning sign of the many years of sleep deprivation the neighbors were going to face. Holding the book in his hands, he sat on the edge of the bed and began reading.
"It's normal for babies and even children to wake up at night every now and then. For babies, this might mean they're hungry, need a diaper change, or simply some affection. For children, this might mean nightmares, boredom, hunger, thirst, or pure defiance. When you bring home your new baby, expect weeks to months of sleep deprivation. Sorry, but that's just how parenthood works. Deal with it." Beetlejuice carefully read the book, trying not to rip it in half out of frustration from Lydia's crying.
"I zee you found ze care book I gave to Ginger," Jacques chuckled as he grabbed the book from Beetlejuice's hands. "And ze book iz right! We're gonna expect months to even years of sleep deprivation now zat we have a baby!"
Jacques climbed out of bed and put the book away on the bookshelf, where it could rest happily alongside the cassette tapes and other unused junk.
"But ze good news iz zat eet'll get better as she gets older!" the skeleton happily added, plopping his boney butt onto the bed.
"Oh, yeah! As if you think so, bone breath!" Beetlejuice snarked.
Lydia's cries were gradually becoming more intense as nobody was paying attention to her. Her face was turning a bright red, her fists were clenched with great intensity, and her uvula could be seen as her crying mouth took over her entire face. She belched a big piercing scream so loud, that the neighbors almost peed themselves.
"Woah! Is she alright?! She must have a huge tummy ache if she's crying this loud!" squeaked Ginger.
"I highly doubt she has a tummy ache," Jacques stated as he scooped Lydia from her basket. "Maybe she just needs some comfort and love!"
Lydia bawled her little heart out as the skeleton slung her over his clavicle.
"What do you need, ma chère?" Jacques asked in a gentle voice as he patted and rubbed Lydia's back. "Shh… Eet's okay! Jacques iz here to rescue you!"
Lydia arched her back and screamed louder, trying to resist the comfort Jacques was offering her.
"You want me to deal with her? She doesn't even like you anymore!" scoffed Beetlejuice, putting his arms out at Jacques so he could hold Lydia.
"Zat iz not true! She just needs somesing, but I don't know exactly what she needs at ze moment!" Jacques exasperated, continuing to pat and rub Lydia's back as she cried and screamed.
"Exactly! I found her first, so if you don't hand over the baby right now, I'll turn you into Poopsie's breakfast tomorrow!" Beetlejuice threatened.
Jacques shot a mean glare at Beetlejuice as he held Lydia protectively against his ribs. He tried to figure out why Lydia was crying by lying his skull against her stomach. As suspected, Lydia's stomach was growling and yelling at her to feed her some milk. Finally, there was a solution to the problem; she needed something to eat. But what kind of person eats at almost 11 at night except for a college student on an all-nighter? It was certainly not the neighbors!
"Are you hungry, ma chère? Do you want me to give up my sleep so I could make you a bottle?" asked Jacques, holding Lydia under her armpits in front of his face. "Oh, I bet you haven't eaten at all zince we've adopted you! No, you haven't!"
The skeleton carefully placed Lydia back in her basket and walked to the kitchen to make a bottle of milk. It wasn't long before he realized that he screwed up. And what we mean by screwing up, we mean that he forgot the supplies needed to prepare a baby's bottle of milk.
"Bon sang!" he quietly muttered as he facepalmed himself for being forgetful.
While continuing to utter swear words under his breath, Jacques took the empty baby bottle, the container of baby formula, and burp cloth from the bags that were still sitting in the carriage. Little did he know that Beetlejuice and Ginger were watching his every move. They didn't have anything else to do since they were dog-tired from being awakened by a screaming rugrat.
Now that Jacques had the supplies he needed, he was able to begin the process of making a baby bottle. First, he opened the lid of the baby bottle and filled it with water. He then scooped two spoonfuls of the formula powder and dumped it into the bottle. He began to shake the bottle, mixing the water and formula powder together to create a milky white concoction. As he was shaking the bottle, Lydia could be heard screaming and crying from the dying room.
"Shh! Don't you worry, sweetie! Your bottle will be ready in just a minute!" Jacques reassured Lydia as he shook the bottle in his hand.
After a moment of shaking the bottle, he placed it in the microwave and set the timer to 30 seconds. As he waited for the bottle to warm up, Jacques decided to do some low-impact jumping jacks. If there was anything to know about the french skeleton, it was that he would make everything into a workout. Even with something as simple as waiting for a bottle to warm up, he still had to do some exercises.
BEEP! BEEP!
Jacques took the bottle out of the microwave and shook it some more to achieve a little bit of even warmth. He tested the temperature by squirting a drop of milk onto his wrist. The milk was lukewarm, which was more than the perfect temperature to feed a fussy baby.
"Perfect!" Jacques exclaimed. "Now to feed ze baby!"
The skeleton walked back into the dying room with the bottle and burp cloth while whistling a happy French tune. He scooped Lydia out of her basket and began feeding her. The room went from full-blast screaming and crying to dead silence within a millisecond.
"Zere, doesn't zat feel better?" cooed Jacques as he fed Lydia her bottle. "Are you happy zat Jacques iz filling your tummy up wiz rich creamy milk?"
Lydia kicked her legs happily in response to Jacques' gentle conversation.
"Aww, I'm getting a little kick! Oh, you must be happy zat you're finally getting food! Yes you are! Yes you are!" The skeleton nuzzled his skull against Lydia.
Lydia moaned happily and placed her hands on top of the stick-thin phalanges that were grasping the bottle. She allowed herself to get a hold of Jacques' mustache and began tugging it as she ate, bringing his face closer to her. The skeleton chuckled at how admittedly cute Lydia was being at the moment, even though she was pulling his mustache. Usually, he would discourage such behavior, but Lydia was happy and getting the milk she needed, so he decided to let her get off scot-free.
Beetlejuice and Ginger joined in the chuckle fest, clearly amused by the baby girl trying to pull Jacques' face closer to her. Beetlejuice was only laughing out of jealousy; you could tell by the forced laugh that sounded more like it belonged on a hammy witch from a movie. He could've been the one feeding Lydia, but Jacques had already called dibs. During the chuckle fit, Lydia's legs began to shiver and kick with determination as she tried to get every drop of milk into her belly. Ginger noticed that and apparently thought Lydia was cold, so she paused her laughing fit to show concern for the baby girl.
"Jacques, I really think you should wrap Babe in a blanket! It looks like she's getting cold!" Ginger advised, watching Lydia's legs quiver and kick.
"You idiot, Babe doesn't need a blanket! It's never cold! If you want cold, try venturing your butt out to the Gloomdike! Now that's cold! So cold that I might freeze to death… again!" Beetlejuice exclaimed before turning into an ice statue and shattering to pieces.
"Well, I'm getting her a blanket! I don't care what you say! I just wanna make her feel better!" affirmed Ginger as she hopped off the bed to pull a thick red blanket from one of the bags.
Beetlejuice raised his hands up in defeat, "Alright! If it has anything to do with Babe, I'll accept it!"
The spider smiled and hopped onto the bed. She handed Jacques the blanket only for him to politely turn it down.
"Eet's very nice for you to help, but I am in ze middle of feeding ze baby," stated Jacques. "I will wrap her in ze blankie after I'm done feeding her."
Jacques refocused his attention on Lydia, who was chugging her bottle while kicking her legs. Just as the bottle was beginning to look three-quarters empty, she abruptly pushed it away from her and began grunting and pulling her legs up to her chest. Jacques tried bouncing her in her arms, but she was well on her way to fussy town at this point. Knowing how attached Beetlejuice was to Lydia, he tried to make an effort to "help" him with the ordeal. Really, he wanted to hog all of the attention Jacques was giving to Lydia.
"Oh, I think she's about to cry! Do you want moi to calm her down?!" Beetlejuice asked in an unconvincing voice, pointing toward himself.
"Not to worry, Be-atlejooze! Eet just means she has wind!" Jacques politely declined as he transitioned Lydia from his arms to over his clavicle. "Every baby needs a good pat to release all ze gassy bubbles from zeir tummy!"
The skeleton began rhythmically patting Lydia's back while humming a lullaby to her.
"You were so adorable drinking your bottle! Never have a zeen a baby so eager to eat at almost midnight! Oui, you were chugging zat bottle like you were in ze Neezerwerld eating contest! Yes, you were!" Jacques cooed, rubbing his skull against Lydia as he burped her.
Lydia tried talking to Jacques by uttering some soft coos and gurgles.
"Oh, you sound like you're gurgling milk in your throat! How cute!" Jacques squealed. "I swear, eef any creature from both ze Neezerwerld and ze Outerwerld were to compete in a cuteness competition, human babies would be a top contender for ze cutest species known to-"
As Jacques was rambling on about how adorable she was, Lydia abruptly puked on his shirt. Beetlejuice and Ginger apparently thought that was funny and they began to laugh hysterically at Jacques' ordeal.
"HAW! HAW! SHE BLESSED YOU WITH PUKE, BONEHEAD!" Beetlejuice cackled.
"Yeah, she must've liked what you said to her so much, she gave you her leftovers as a present!" chuckled Ginger.
Jacques rolled his eyes at Beetlejuice and Ginger as they teased him about Lydia vomiting on him. He let out a deep sigh and glanced at Lydia, who was fast asleep with a huge smile on her face. She was amused with the fact that the entire right side of Jacques' shirt was now soiled with bright yellow vomit.
"I take zat back," Jacques mumbled.
He gently laid Lydia down in her basket and stormed off to his guest room in a huff. It must suck being the lone skeleton of the roadhouse, huh? How much worse off could he possibly get?
12:30 A.M
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"
The neighbors were woken up once again by Lydia's crying fit. They had hoped she wouldn't wake up for the rest of the night; boy, were they wrong. In what seemed to be a little over an hour, they were forced to say goodbye to their sleep because no one could ignore a baby's cry. Lydia was in her basket unleashing the loudest scream ever heard on a human, complete with flailing legs and arms and snot dripping down her face.
"Why can't she let us sleep longer?! It's 12:30 in the morning, what could she possibly be crying about this time?!" Beetlejuice complained.
"I don't know, baby problems?!" answered Ginger.
"Good answer, Ginge," Beetlejuice sarcastically complimented.
Jacques picked Lydia out of her basket and began rocking her.
"I have warned you guys zat ze baby will wake up multiple times a night! I don't zink you've experienced enough of what eet feels like to take care of children," The skeleton stated in a rather haughty tone.
"Jacques, stop being so arrogant! You're not like this at all!" scolded Ginger as she snatched Lydia out of Jacques' arms. "Just because you're a babysitter and a nanny with centuries of experience does not mean you have the right to treat us like we're dumber than a sack of diapers!"
"Not even I'm this self-centered," Beetlejuice interjected.
"Uh-huh, says the pale-faced idiot who always boasts about how he's the ghost with the most! Sorry to tell you, buddy, but you aren't!" snarked Ginger as she rocked and bounced Lydia.
Beetlejuice snarled at Ginger for what he had told him; it was as if she told him that he needed to clean the roadhouse. He had the burning urge to squash Ginger with both of his stinky feet. As a punishment, he quickly seized the baby from Ginger all while growling like an angry pitbull.
"Excuse me, I AM THE GHOST WITH THE MOST! DON'T DENY THAT OR I'LL RIP YOU LIMB TO-"
Beetlejuice's booming rant was enough to make Lydia cry harder and louder. Angry and distraught about his neighbor causing Lydia's crying fit to intensify, Jacques snatched her back from Beetlejuice, putting an end to the argument before it could escalate any higher. He bounced the baby in his arms a few times before gently placing her back in her basket.
"Ginger, I apologize for showing arrogance," apologized Jacques. "I only wanted to help you guys because zat's what we planned ze second we decided to keep zis baby! After all, eet takes a roadhouse to raise a child, n'est pas?"
"You were showing a bit of arrogance, but it's okay! I forgive you!" Ginger accepted the apology. "Now, let's try to be cooperative with one another! We don't wanna waste our time arguing and fighting when we could already be going back to sleep."
"Right!" Jacques and Beetlejuice nodded and craned their heads over the basket.
As the neighbors were watching Lydia cry and scream, they tried to figure out what she could possibly need.
"Hm, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong! She can't be hungry, I don't recall her messing her diaper, and she's in a safe roadhouse with three neighbors who will protect her from the sandworms!" Ginger stated, resting her arms on the border of the basket. "Maybe she just feels like crying. That's what babies do, after all!"
"No, I doubt zat she's crying for no reason! Babies don't cry for no reason! For all I know, she probably wants anozere bottle!" disputed Jacques.
"Maybe she wants to cuddle with the B-guy!" Beetlejuice guessed as he pointed toward himself in a haughty way.
Jacques glanced at Beetlejuice, who was reaching his arms into the basket to pick Lydia up. Before he had the chance to stop him, the ghost was already lying in bed with Lydia close to his chest. Strangely enough, Lydia resisted the affection Beetlejuice was giving her; she was arching her back and screamed louder as the ghost hugged her.
"Be-atlejooze," Jacques called as he patted Beetlejuice's hips, trying to get his attention. "You actually have to tend to ze baby, not cuddle her! Zis izn't playtime right now, get eet into your thick skull!"
Beetlejuice violently slapped Jacques' hand away from him.
"I'm trying to make her feel better, bone breath!" Beetlejuice snapped. "Besides, the faster we shut her up, the faster I can get back to sleep!"
"Hand over ze baby so we can find out what ze problem iz!" Jacques politely demanded as he tapped Beetlejuice's shoulder.
The selfish ghost slapped Jacques' hand off of his shoulder and growled furiously. This action caused Lydia to cry as loudly as she could; her mouth took up a majority of her face, exposing her uvula and gums. She was clearly terrified by what Beetlejuice was doing at the moment.
"NO! MY BABY!" Beetlejuice blurted like a 2-year-old, holding Lydia protectively against his chest.
"It's our baby, Beetlejuice!" Jacques and Ginger angrily corrected him. "Get off of your lazy butt and actually help! The faster we find out what her problem is, the faster we get back to sleep!"
Beetlejuice let out a piercing whine like he was a toddler and reluctantly placed the baby back in her basket.
"You feel better now?! I just wanted to calm her down so we could get to sleep faster! I'm exhausted enough and I want her to shut up! Otherwise, she'll be on par with the Monster Across The Street's nightly sing-alongs and that BIG-LIPPED BUFFOON POUNDING ON MY WINDOW!" Beetlejuice ranted.
"Shh, shh! Not so loud, Beej! You're gonna scare the baby if you keep this up!" Ginger shushed as she put her finger over Beetlejuice's mouth.
Beetlejuice grabbed Ginger's hand and bit it as hard as he could. As expected for a sensitive spider whose hands have been chomped off clean by an aggressive ghost, Ginger began to scream in agony. Jacques rested his skull in his hands and sighed as Ginger continued to screech; it felt like watching a couple of kids fight over a sandbox. Luckily, he was able to come up with a plan before Beetlejuice could cause any more harm.
"OK, here's ze plan!" Jacques announced as he picked Lydia up from her basket and handed her to Beetlejuice. "Be-atlejooze, you figure out what ze baby needs zince we know how much you love her!"
"I mean, I love Babe and I would risk all my afterlife to protect her, but I just don't wanna wake up multiple times a night!" Beetlejuice explained. "I've already been woken up enough by the Monster Across The Street and his country songs, annoying birds, door-to-door salesmen pounding on my door, and that guy …"
Beetlejuice pointed at a big-lipped creature spying on him and the neighbors through a window. The creature was flashing his big yellow smile while banging his hands on the glass and shouting, "Give me money, Beetlejuice! I'll leave you alone if you hand me a few bucks!"
The ghost pointed his finger at the window and zapped it shut. Now that the window was covered with an iron door, Beetlejuice could get back to dealing with Lydia.
"Anyway, I know that we have to revolve our afterlives around the baby! I totally get it! It's the crying at night, the screaming every time I leave the room, I can't take it! Maybe if she was a few years older, I wouldn't hate the job as much, but geez, kid! Why can't you grasp that people need sleep?!" Beetlejuice complained.
Jacques and Ginger shot death stares at Beetlejuice as he placed Lydia back in her basket. Their facial expressions and crossed arms told Beetlejuice that they weren't going to fool around anymore. The ghost shuddered as his neighbors kept their glare with him strong. He flip-flopped his attention between the baby crying in his arms and the two neighbors glaring at him. After switching between staring at the baby and the disappointed neighbors, he was forced to make the right decision: be a responsible dad.
"Fine! I'll give up one millisecond of my sleep for the sake of Babe," Beetlejuice declared.
He began rocking and swaying Lydia as she cried her eyes out. Because she had been crying for so long, her face was redder than the tips of Beetlejuice's fingernails.
"What do you need, Babe? Will you stop crying if I find out what's wrong? I love you, but you gotta stop crying, OK?" implored Beetlejuice as he rocked Lydia in his arms.
Lydia continued to cry and scream; it was to the point where her voice was hoarse from putting a strain on her vocal cords. She was trembling with every screech she let out of her mouth, scaring both the neighbors and herself. Beetlejuice muttered at her to shut up as he flipped her over to her back. To his shock, he found red scratches on her lower back. The problem was becoming very obvious now that he found what was causing Lydia to cry.
"Aww, poor baby… Let me fix your boo-boo!" Beetlejuice murmured as he studied the painful scratch marks on Lydia's back.
The ghost cradled Lydia in his forearm and ripped the makeshift cloth diaper like it was a bandaid. The hairpin attached to the diaper was facing upward rather than down. Judging by Lydia's scratch marks on her back, the hairpin must've come loose and poked through her delicate skin. As soon as the diaper was removed, Lydia immediately transitioned from crying to giggling hysterically.
"Problem solved," Beetlejuice smiled before kissing the top of Lydia's head.
Jacques and Ginger turned toward each other with proud faces as Beetlejuice hugged the giggly baby girl close to his chest. They felt a mix of both confused and proud emotions — proud that their generally lazy neighbor was acting like a responsible dad and confused that Lydia was happy without her diaper. What was honestly more confusing was Ginger being confused by a nude baby when she was already nude herself. Ah, whatever! It wasn't really a biggie; most babies love to be naked anyway.
"D'aww, are you happy without a stinky old diaper?! Yes, you are nakey now! Yes you are! Yes you are!" Beetlejuice cooed as he tickled Lydia's thighs, causing her to laugh harder.
Lydia squealed happily as the ghost tickled her thighs and feet. Beetlejuice was laughing too, though he did have trouble keeping the baby's thighs still due to her vigorous kicking and flailing. Even Ginger was beginning to laugh along with them. But Jacques? No, being the serious skeleton he always was, he side-eyed Beetlejuice like he was doing something very bad. What crime did Beetlejuice commit, you ask? He was tickling her thighs! Yes, that was worse than pantsing the mayor.
"Be-atlejooze, eet's not playtime! Babe iz a growing girl who needs sleep!" Jacques told Beetlejuice. "Don't encourage her to be all wiggly at a time when we need to sleep! She's gonna zink zat bedtime iz playtime if you keep playing wiz her!"
Beetlejuice stopped tickling Lydia to turn toward Jacques, who had a stern look on his face.
"So I can't bond with my daughter?" scowled Beetlejuice.
Jacques and Beetlejuice held a staring contest with each other for a few seconds. When the skeleton crossed his arms, it signaled that Beetlejuice wouldn't get his way even if he tried.
"Oh, alright! Here, you can put Babe to bed! I'm gonna be entering dreamland!" Beetlejuice grumbled as he passed Lydia over to Jacques.
After Beetlejuice and Ginger turned in for the night, it was Jacques' turn to deal with the baby. Luckily for him, Lydia was happy as a clam; she was cooing and gurgling like the 6-month-old she was.
"Are you gonna wake us up anymore, chère? You were cranky-wanky zis past hour, yeah you were! But now zat you are nakey-wakey, you're happy as can be!" Jacques baby-talked to Lydia while cuddling her against his face.
Lydia's smile grew bigger as the skeleton's soothing voice traveled into her ears.
"Good night, sweetie! We'll fix you a warm bottle and give you lots of kisses and cuddles in ze morning!" Jacques crooned before kissing Lydia on the head.
Lydia gurgled at Jacques as he tucked her into her basket. The skeleton giggled as Lydia tried to hold a conversation with him and kissed her one last time. The night was beginning to look hopeful for the neighbors — Lydia was content and mildly playful, Beetlejuice wasn't antagonizing Jacques and Ginger, and the neighbors were sound asleep. One could hope that Lydia will sleep through the night, but knowing how she woke up screaming like she was being murdered, it was sadly doubtful, Not impossible, but merely doubtful.
2:00 A.M
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
For the umpteenth time — third, really — Lydia woke up crying and screaming. Within about a few seconds, the room went from peaceful silence to pure cacophony. This time, the crying sounded a lot more intense and piercing. It literally pierced through the neighbors' ears and skulls, startling them awake almost immediately. They all looked like they were ready to throw fists and start a feud with each other, complete with glaring eyes and clenching teeth. Fortunately, the feud didn't happen as they decided that it was best to work together to calm Lydia down. They were her adoptive parents, after all.
All three neighbors surrounded the basket with concerned, pitiful looks on their faces. Lydia looked as if she was in immense pain and there wasn't anything they could do except watch her suffer. She was flailing about, kicking her legs, and clenching her fists; she really was suffering from something painful.
"Do you think she could be having a tummy ache?" asked Ginger.
"No, no! Eet sounds like she's having a nightmare! Poor baby…" Jacques answered as he stroked Lydia's tuft of hair.
As Jacques was stroking her hair, Lydia unleashed a piercing scream, causing him to flinch from shock. Every time she would pull her legs up to her chest, she would kick them and release a powerful scream.
"Aww, come here, Babe! Daddy's here!" Beetlejuice cooed as he scooped Lydia from her basket.
He slung Lydia over his shoulder and began to gently pat and rub her back.
"Shh, shh! Everything's gonna be fine! Your mommy and daddies are all here to protect you!" soothed Beetlejuice as he continued to pat and rub Lydia's back.
Lydia unleashed several piercing screams loud enough to shatter glass. It was honestly a laugh that the other neighbors didn't bat an eye at the baby's uncontrollable meltdown. It was as if they were all on vacation or something like that — just like the Monster Across The Street. When the back-patting and rubbing didn't work, Beetlejuice decided to hold Lydia in a fetal position against his chest. He shushed the baby while gently bouncing her.
"Shh, shh, shh! Don't cry! I'm right here!" Beetlejuice soothed Lydia as he bounced her against his chest.
Lydia let out what was arguably the loudest scream ever heard from a baby. She gripped tightly onto Beetlejuice and continued to make more loud screams. The neighbors teared up out of pity as the baby girl screamed and cried hysterically. During her screaming fit, she abruptly vomited white and green bile onto Beetlejuice's chest. While the ghost was proud to be blessed with puke, he still felt immensely sorry for what his daughter was going through.
"Poor baby… I think she might be getting sick," Beetlejuice lamented, looking down at the crying baby in his arms.
Jacques checked the inside of Lydia's basket for any pee, poo, or vomit. The basket was clean with no stains.
"Eet's a good zing she didn't have any accidents. Ozerewise, we would be scrubbing ze basket down to ze bone!" stated Jacques.
"I like accidents… gross and violent accidents!" Beetlejuice laughed.
Jacques and Ginger stared confusingly at Beetlejuice like he cracked a cheesy joke. There were crickets chirping in the background to add extra awkwardness. To be fair, most of Beetlejuice's jokes were cheesier than a grilled cheese sandwich.
"Oh, sorry… No, no, I'm not sorry!" Beetlejuice joked before breaking into a laughing fit.
Jacques sighed annoyedly and grabbed the unfinished bottle of milk from the end table. He tried to feed Lydia the bottle, but she kept pushing it away while screaming her head off.
"Come on… You know you want eet! Just eat, please!" Jacques begged as he tried to get Lydia to drink her unfinished bottle.
Beetlejuice and Jacques shuddered as Lydia unleashed her demonic screams from hell. Ginger was close to bursting into tears herself thanks to the uncontrollable meltdown Lydia was having. In hopes of calming the baby down, she hopped down from the couch to grab a pacifier and a black cat doll from one of the bags.
"Do you know why Babe is crying?" Ginger asked as she climbed onto the bed with the pacifier and black cat doll.
"I'm afraid we don't know, Ginger," answered Jacques. "I tried feeding her ze rest of her milk, but she didn't want to eat! She zeems like she's in a lot of pain…"
"Yeah, a lot of pain from nightmares!" added Beetlejuice as he rocked Lydia.
"What nightmare could she possibly be having?" questioned Ginger, seating herself next to Jacques and watching the baby cry in Beetlejuice's arms.
"Maybe she could be dreaming about me and you guys getting eaten by a sandworm! I really hate sandworms, so that's my guess," replied Beetlejuice.
"I zink she could be dreaming about being ze only one in ze Neezerwerld. She has no ozere monsters around to protect her… only her and ze sandworms," suggested Jacques as he stroked Lydia's scrunched-up face.
The neighbors frowned as they watched Lydia cry. Her crying did not sound like a typical baby's cry, it sounded like a kitten was being tortured to death by a heartless person. She was also writhing around like she was in serious pain, complete with clenched fists and vigorously kicking legs. Beetlejuice could feel tears forming in his eyes as he watched the baby tremble with fear and pain.
"Shh, shh! It's okay! You don't need to panic, Daddy's right here!" soothed Beetlejuice as he bounced Lydia against his chest.
The ghost passed Lydia to Jacques and tried to prevent any more tears from falling out of his eyes. Ginger laid the blanket out for Jacques to wrap the baby in. The skeleton wrapped Lydia tightly in the blanket and handed her back to Beetlejuice.
"Ginge, the baby needs a pacifier!" Beetlejuice declared as he rocked and bounced Lydia some more.
"Oui, babies need somesing to suck on when zey're feeling distressed or when zey need ze comfort of zeir parents! It helps zem sleep faster too," stated Jacques.
"Lucky for you, I already have a binky handy!" Ginger chirped as she handed Beetlejuice the pacifier.
Beetlejuice tried to insert the pacifier into Lydia's mouth, but she kept turning her head away while screaming louder. Her mouth took up the majority of her face, so it would be a challenge to insert a 3-inch pacifier without causing her to choke to death.
"Why doesn't she want to take the pacifier?! I'm so confused!" Beetlejuice whined.
"She's inconsolable right now. We must take turns soothing her and giving her ze love she deserves!" declared Jacques.
"That actually doesn't sound like a bad idea," approved Beetlejuice.
Jacques scooped Lydia out of Beetlejuice's arms and began to hold her against his ribs. He began to shush the baby while rocking and bouncing her gently.
"Shhh… You don't need to worry about sandworms coming to eat you," Jacques soothed as he rocked and bounced Lydia in his arms. "We are here to protect you."
Jacques handed Lydia over to Ginger, who was trying to fight back the urge to join the cryfest. With tears trickling down her face, Ginger rocked the baby side-to-side while silently begging her to stop crying.
"D-d-d-don't cry, Babe! It hurts my heart hearing you cry like that!" Ginger sniveled.
"Ginger, try to control yourself. Ze baby can sense your stress," warned Jacques.
"O-o-okay!" Ginger whimpered, wiping tears from her eyes.
The spider passed Lydia to Beetlejuice. As expected of a good father, he held her against his chest and gently bounced her. Lydia's head was leaning against Beetlejuice's chest so that she could hear his cold yet calming heartbeat.
"It will be okay, sweetie… There are no sandworms in this part of the Neitherworld," Beetlejuice reassured in an uncharacteristically soothing tone. "Daddy will beat up the sandworms into tiny pulps if he catches them trying to eat you."
Lydia was still bawling her eyes out even when she was given the opportunity to hear his heartbeat. Disappointed that she didn't stop crying in his presence, he handed her to Jacques. Jacques slung the baby over his clavicle and began to pat and rub her back.
"Shhh… S'il te plait ne pleure pas, mon amour! You have a loving family who will always be here for you," Jacques consoled as he patted and rubbed Lydia's back. "Even at your highs-ghoul graduation!"
Lydia let out a few more screams before coughing vigorously. The neighbors became concerned, thinking that she was going to choke to death on her own spit. There was snot running out of her nose and saliva trickling down her face. Jacques patted her back a little harder in hopes that her coughing fit would be ceased. The coughing fit eventually stopped, but the crying did not.
"Oh, poor baby! She's corrupting our ears with her crying!" Ginger whined.
"Tell me about it! As much as I love her to death, I can't stand the constant crying!" complained Beetlejuice as he covered his ears.
"I am sorry zat you all don't like her crying, but zat's what you expect when you have a young little baby who needs care and love!" Jacques reminded Beetlejuice and Ginger, continuing to pat and rub Lydia's back a little more vigorously than before.
The skeleton switched the baby from his clavicle to his arms and looked down at her as she cried and screamed; he had to figure out some way to curb her crying fit. She was wrapped snugly in a thick blanket, she had drank three-quarters of her bottle just a few hours ago, and she had three loving monsters surrounding her — what more could she possibly want? He was about to give up and let her cry herself to sleep, but then he remembered yesterday — when he tried to calm her down during one of her crying fits. He remembered how much Lydia loved chewing on his beret. Figuring that Lydia would immediately stop crying with a toy in her mouth, he gave her his beret to chew on. Surprisingly, it did not work as expected. Lydia chucked the beret at Jacques' face and continued to release powerful screams. As the beret slid off his face, Jacques shook his skull and sighed frustratedly.
"Be-atlejooze," sighed Jacques as he passed Lydia to Beetlejuice. "You take ze baby. I'm done trying to calm her down."
"OK! I'll try," Beetlejuice answered without saying any more words.
The neighbors helplessly watched the baby cry in Beetlejuice's arms. Lydia had been crying for the past 13 minutes without any breaks for breath. It was a laugh that she hadn't broken her vocal cords from all the screaming and crying she had done in the past day. Beetlejuice quietly signaled Jacques and Ginger to stay back with the point of a finger. Once the two neighbors gave him some personal space, he held Lydia in a fetal position close to his mouth.
"Babe, it's me, your daddy! There are no sandworms around! You don't need to cry! Me, Jacques, and Ginger are all here to protect you from the mean old sandworms if they were to invade our house!" Beetlejuice whispered soothingly into Lydia's ear.
"Oui, we will sacrifice our afterlives for your safety and well-being," added Jacques as he stroked Lydia's face.
"And you will always remember us even after we pass on… again," Ginger crooned, climbing onto Beetlejuice's leg to see the baby up close and personal.
Lydia opened her eyes to see three neighbors staring lovingly at her. She still whimpered and whined, but she was no longer scrunching her eyes and shedding tears.
"Babe, your peepers are open! Do you see? There are no sandworms! Look around you!" assured Beetlejuice.
Lydia immediately stopped whimpering at the sound of Beetlejuice's voice. She studied her surroundings cautiously before stopping her gaze at the three neighbors, who were all smiling at her. She smiled back at them and began cooing and gurgling.
"She thinks we're her family," Ginger murmured as she watched Lydia coo and gurgle.
The baby wiggled in Beetlejuice's arms, trying to free her arms from the confinement of the tight swaddle. She kicked her legs and began to pant excitedly while still gazing into the neighbors' eyes.
"Yes, we are right here… right in front of you," Beetlejuice cooed before kissing the top of Lydia's head, causing her to start giggling.
"Babe iz very happy to see us! Aren't you, ma tarte mignonne?" Jacques nuzzled his skull against Lydia and kissed the top of her head.
Lydia was now in the middle of a giggle fit, and while it was satisfying to see her happy, she still needed to go to bed like any other baby. After looking down at the baby one last time, Beetlejuice gave Jacques and Ginger a side hug as a 'thank you' for their hard work. He carefully laid Lydia down in her basket and sighed happily, relieved that he finally got Lydia to stop crying.
"Wait!" Ginger exclaimed as she waved a pacifier around. "You forgot to put the binky in!"
"Oh, I am so sorry, Ginger!" Beetlejuice apologized, snatching the pacifier out of Ginger's hand. "And I am so sorry, Babe! I forgot to put your binky-winky in!"
Beetlejuice inserted the pacifier into Lydia's mouth, causing her to stop giggling. The baby began to suck on the pacifier while gradually falling asleep. The room was now completely and eerily silent.
"I zink we should have her sleep between us," stated Jacques. "Eef she's having nightmares about being alone, zen why don't we remind her zat we are zere?"
"But wouldn't we be spoiling her? We can't just let her sleep next to us every time she has a bad dream! What if she's older and she begs us to sleep with her?!" fretted Ginger.
"You can't spoil a baby," Beetlejuice and Jacques reassured Ginger, placing their hands on her abdomen.
Ginger sighed out of defeat and pushed the basket toward Jacques. Jacques picked up the basket and placed it between his sleeping spot and Beetlejuice's sleeping spot. He grabbed his beret — which was lying on the bed — and gave it to Lydia, who was sleeping soundly like the baby she was. Lydia opened her eyes to see the beret laying on top of her and began cuddling it like a teddy bear.
"Aww!" the neighbors cooed as they watched Lydia hug Jacques' beret.
They watched Lydia in a brief deep trance before Beetlejuice forced himself to snap out of it.
"Seriously, let's just go to sleep," Beetlejuice declared.
The neighbors scooched themselves into their respective sleeping spots; Ginger curled up into a ball in front of the basket and began to fake purr like she was a spider and cat hybrid, while Beetlejuice and Jacques nuzzled against Lydia while humming. They eventually got distracted and began nuzzling against each other's faces (think of an Eskimo kiss).
"I love you, Be-atlejooze," said Jacques.
"I love you too, Jacques… as a friend," answered Beetlejuice.
Jacques giggled as his entire face went red. He gave Beetlejuice a tiny peck on the nose and laid his skull against Lydia. Beetlejuice followed suit and the entire gang was fast asleep like the big babies they were. Ginger was curled up into a ball in front of the basket, and Jacques and Beetlejuice were resting their heads against Lydia like she was a pillow. It was going to be a good night for sure. Were Lydia's sleeping habits perfect? Absolutely not. While she did wake up a few times, just remember that it could've been a lot worse. She would have woken up every 30 minutes, but she didn't. The neighbors should consider themselves lucky; they could've had a baby that wouldn't let them sleep. Ever.