Pick Up the Pieces

by RockerH

Starsky and Hutch try to come to terms with Terri's death and its impact on their friendship.

DISCLAIMER: Any recognizable characters are not mine. This is purely for fun.

Pick Up the Pieces

This story takes place in the days following Terri's death. Starsky is struggling to cope with his loss and Hutch is struggling to hold on to his best friend. This leads up to the tag scene in Starsky's Girl

Chapter 1

The mourners began to file away from the burial site in quiet, respectful groups of two and three. Before long, Sergeant David Starsky, oblivious to any peripheral activity, was alone beside the grave of his beloved, Terri.

"Starsk? It's time to go, buddy." A soberly dressed Ken Hutchinson put his arm around his professional partner and best friend, as he tried to lead him gently from the gravesite. "Captain Dobey is waiting for us in the limo."

Starsky had the woebegone look of a man who had lost all reason and desire to live. His usual sparkling blue eyes were dimmed and bloodshot, the smile that could light up a room, a distant memory. "Hmm…what?"

"We should be leaving too," Hutch said quietly. "Edith sent some food over to my place. You know her, when all else fails; eat." Hutch added.

A dazed Starsky continued to stare numbly at the freshly prepared burial site. "She's really gone, Hutch. Terri is gone…"

"I know buddy, I know." Hutch tried with a little more force to guide his friend back to the funeral limousine. "Let's get Huggy and go back to my place. What do you say?"

Starsky pulled a pair of aviator sunglasses from his sport coat pocket and quickly put them on, as he turned to face Hutch. "No," he muttered. "I don't think I'd be very good company."

Hutch looked at his haggard friend and sighed, "I'm not going to drag you, but I do think you could use a square meal…or five. Cap'n Dobey said Edith sent over a pot roast, with all the trimmings," he added hopefully.

Overhearing Hutch's dilemma, a tall, lanky, immaculately dressed Black man emerged from a vintage, but impeccably kept, white Cadillac convertible. "Hey Starsky, Hutch might be right, for a change." Huggy said quietly. "You definitely could use some of Edith's sensational, southern style soul cookin'. Or… if you don't feel up to that, we could run by my place for a beer and a burger."

Starsky could feel the frustration and anger start to well up in him and he did his best to tamp it down. Huggy and Hutch were the best friends he had in the world, but he couldn't handle their company…not now. "I know you mean well, but… back off…please." he delivered in an intensely controlled voice. It belied everything he was currently feeling. He drew in a deep breath then exhaled slowly and deliberately. He could feel the tears start to pool behind his sunglasses. David had kept his tears private up to now, because dropping his guard in front of Hutch and Huggy would open a can of worms he was not ready to address. "I'm fine…really. Um…Hutch, tell Edith and the Cap'n ' thank you' for me. Huggy, I'll take you up on that beer real soon, but now…I …I just can't. I'll see you two tomorrow or sometime."

Hutch was tempted to push a little harder, but knew his friend well enough to discern when he meant business. "Sure thing, another time. Wait, Starsk. Don't you need a ride home?"

"I brought a change of clothes. Thought I'd run, I need to empty my brain, ya know? It's the only thing that works. See ya." With those parting words, Starsky pulled a duffel bag from the trunk of the limo and ducked into a nearby restroom to change.

Huggy and Hutch looked at each other and shrugged.. "I guess the brother knows what he's doing, but you won't find me running, unless I got the boogie man on my tail," Huggy mused, shaking his head. "His place has gotta be over ten miles from here!"

Hutch turned his gaze to the restroom and said sadly, "I'm not so sure he does know what he's doing. He started this running business right after Terri was shot…It was weird, because I know he has always hated running! Now he says running is the only way he can sleep at night. Huggy, sometimes he runs 20 miles a day! He's trying to run himself numb."

"I can dig it. He's trying to outrun the hurt, but all he's doin' is running himself into the ground. Starsky never had any extra pounds to spare, but now…Man! He's barely a shadow."

"Let me talk to Dobey for a minute, then can you give me a ride back to headquarters to get my car?" Hutch left Huggy and walked over to the waiting Captain Dobey. Leaning through the open car window Hutch talked to his captain. "Starsk asked me to thank you and Edith for the food…"

"But he's not going to eat, is he? He's going to run again? Ken, I'm getting really worried about Dave. I'm clearly no expert on exercise, but I do know too much of even a healthy thing can do a lot of damage."

"I know you're concerned, Cap'n…you called us by our first names." Hutch quipped.

The captain shot Hutch an annoyed glance. "I'm taking the both of you off the schedule for a few days. I'm used to your moodiness, Hutchinson, but I can't handle it from both of you. I need my detectives to be one hundred percent in mind and body!" Although he did his best to sound gruff, the captain was paternally fond of his two best detectives.

"Yeah, thanks Cap. Terri's shooting has yanked the floor out from under Starsky.. He may not want me around, but I'll be there anyway. ."

"I know Terri meant a lot to both of you, so take care of yourself too. It could hit you hard when you least expect it." Dobey added softly. "

"Yeah, it might. See you in a few days. Huggy is taking me back to the station, but I'll be in touch."

Hutch turned around in time to see Starsky exit the restroom. "Starsk!" he shouted at his friend's back. "You can run, but you can't hide. I'll be over later." Hutch turned up the path and headed back to Huggy's car.

Chapter 2

"C'mon Starsk, open the door. I know you're home." Hutch continued pounding on the door to Starsky's apartment. "I'm not leaving, so you may as well let me in." Hutch did his best to juggle a casserole dish and a couple other smaller food containers while he fumbled in his pocket for Starsky's emergency key.

A surly voice answered from within, "Put the key away Hutch. I don't want to see anybody right now, and that includes you."

"Look man, a lot of people are worried about you. I won't stay, but the Dobeys…"

"Sent you with food, I know. Tell everyone I appreciate all the warm fuzzies, but right now it just ain't doin' the trick. Nothin' is." Starsky bellowed through the door.

It would be easy to leave the food at the door and head back home, but the pain and anger in Starsky's voice kept Hutch rooted to the landing. "I'm comin' in, like it or not.." Again he fumbled for the door key, but this time it was not needed. The door swung open.

Hutch was startled anew at his partner's gaunt and beat down appearance. "Man, you look terrible," he tried to make it sound like their normal banter, but his voice caught in his throat. It was too close to the truth for Hutch to sound anything but worried.

Starsky, clad in baggy sweatpants and a beat up t-shirt, had reluctantly thrown the door open and retreated to his sofa. "Terrific. I would hate to feel this lousy and not have anyone notice. Thanks for the food. Close the door on your way out."

But Hutch had no intention of leaving. He headed straight to the kitchen and fixed his friend a plate of the food the Dobey family had sent along. " I promised I would see that you ate something. A promise is a promise, so open the hangar doors.." He mimicked the childhood game of flying the fork into Starsky's mouth.

" I'm not kidding, Hutch. Take that plate away or you'll be wearing it," Starsky quietly threatened. His dark-rimmed, sunken eyes flashed a warning that Hutch had learned to respect.

"Well partner, we can do this the easy way, or the hard way," Hutch half heartedly returned, with his pointer finger waving in Starsky's direction.

Unexpectedly, Starsky gave in to a lopsided grin. Hutch's finger was waving tantalizingly close to his face and he had to laugh. "Fine! Seein' as Edith went to all this trouble, I'll take a little… like a good boy."

"Great. There is plenty more where that came from." Taking advantage of this momentary mood shift, Hutch ventured, "Hey, Dobey gave us the next couple days off, maybe we could disappear for a while… go up to the mountains…"

Starsky's mercurial spirit toggled back to its dark side, "What for? Does everyone think I am too unstable to be back on the streets? I handled Prudholm like he was made of crystal!" He growled. " Why does Dobey think I need a babysitter?"

Hutch was taken aback by his friend's shift in mood, " He doesn't! It's nothing like that."

"Well, why then?" Starsky demanded.

"Maybe because he thought you …we could use some time off to…to…"

"To what?...To get over Terri? You don't get over losing someone like Terri, especially when it's your fault! You have to know what that feels like, Hutch!" Starsky slammed the plate of food down on the coffee table. "Just go, will ya? I'll deal with this my way."

"Starsk…He's worried about you… We all are!"

"Just go!" Starsky glared at his friend with the icy blue stare usually reserved for those on the wrong side of the law. Just as quickly his face softened and the stare melted. "Please." he said miserably.

Hutch backed towards the door. "I'm going. I'll leave you to whatever self-destructive activity you have planned for this evening, but I'll be back tomorrow."

"Wait. I'm sorry. " Starsky backpedaled. "I'll figure this out. I promise."

"I know you will, but you don't have to do it by yourself. You have me, Me and Thee all the way, you know that , right?"

Starsky sat on the sofa with his hands covering his face, "Me and Thee," he echoed softly. "Sure."

"I'll give you tonight, but tomorrow…well, tomorrow we talk. I loved Terri too, ya know. I lost one very dear friend because of that slime Prudholm. I'm sure as hell aren't going to lose another one." Hutch stood at the door somberly surveying his friend. "Eat some food…get some sleep. You really do look terrible."

"Yeah, thanks. See ya… but not too early, I gotta run."

"Sure buddy," Hutch sighed. "I understand. I guess you don't want company."

"Not yet," Starsky smiled with a sad shake of his head. He couldn't admit, even to Hutch, that his running time was a very personal grieving time. "Not yet," he repeated.

"Ok, I understand. I really do. See ya."

Chapter 3

After leaving Starsky's apartment, Hutch made a detour to the Dobey home. He had promised to update Edith on how Starsky was getting along. Hutch pulled up to the Dobey household and jumped out of his lovingly abused beige Ford Galaxie. Seeing the youngest Dobey playing in her treehouse, he called up to her, "Hey Rosie, honey! Your mommy home?"

The six year old little girl scrambled down the rope ladder and flew into Hutch's arms. "Uncle Ken! I've missed you! Where have you been? Is Uncle Dave with you? Is he still sad? I miss him too! Mommy is back in the garage. I'll take you…" She grabbed Hutch's hand and began to drag him in her childish eagerness.

"Whoa Rosie, what an interrogation!" Hutch teased, pulling at one of her braids.

"Mommy says I should be a detective! But only if I can work with you and Uncle Dave! Mommy, Uncle Ken is here!"

A somewhat disheveled Edith Dobey emerged from the dusty gloom of the attached garage. "Rosie, sweetie, I need to talk with Uncle Ken for a minute. Can you go back to your playhouse for me? That's a good girl, " Edith Dobey shooed her daughter back to the treehouse. " I've been meaning to get this garage cleaned out for months. I must look a mess."

"You look fine, dirt becomes you," Hutch grinned.. He tried to stifle a sneeze but was unsuccessful. "It's my allergy," he added by way of explanation.

"Where are my manners? Come on over to the patio, I'll get us some lemonade, and we can talk. You look like you could use a shoulder. I'll only be a minute."

Hutch slumped down in the vintage metal lawn chair. It had been an exhausting last few weeks, and he would like to talk to someone. The sound of a slamming screen door brought him out of his reverie.

"I have asked Harold for weeks to fix that door! Guess I'll have to do it myself, " Edith said as she surveyed the broken closing mechanism on the door. Then quickly changing gears, "Ken, honey, tell me how you are doing. Your partner isn't the only one carrying pain, is he?" She reached across the picnic table and patted Hutch on the hand.

"Me?" he asked. "Me? I'm ok. It's Starsky I'm worried about. Edith, he is hurting so badly and there isn't anything I can do about it."

Hutch looked about as dejected as Edith had ever seen the young man. "You're right, honey. As hard as it seems, the best thing you can do for David is just let him know you are available. Like you always are. Like he was for you when Gillian passed. Goodness, you boys have had the devil's own time, first your loss and now David's." Edith reached out and patted Ken's hand again. "He'll come around when his time is right. In the meantime, what can I do to help you? Terri was a very special friend to you as well, am I right?"

"Yeah. She definitely was one of the good guys. Starsk and I have been in and out of a lot of relationships over the years, I guess that doesn't come as a surprise." Hutch's ears turned pink with embarrassment, "But,Terri was the one special lady that we could both be ourselves around. She brought out the best in Starsky and me. She made him…"

"Smile from the inside out?" Edith filled in the words Hutch was fishing for.

"Yeah, that's it, she filled him up. It made me happy to see him so happy. Is that weird?"

"Hardly," Mrs. Dobey continued. "We all want to see our friends and family living their best lives, don't we?"

Hutch couldn't hold his thoughts back any longer, "Edith, I am afraid for Starsky. He is in such a dark place now that I am afraid we are close to losing him too. I just don't know what I.."

"Harold said as much. He cares for and worries about you two like you were his own boys, you know that don't you? Harold told me David has developed a running obsession? Where did that come from?"

Hutch nodded. "Yeah, we appreciate having the Cap'n in our corner too. I have no idea why this running thing started. I couldn't get him to run with me for love nor money before. But now he runs miles and miles everyday. He barely eats, rarely sleeps…just runs."

"Trying to put a livable distance between himself and the pain?" Edith suggested.

"That's what Huggy said. I guess that could be part of it. I think he runs to make himself numb. If his senses are numb, he doesn't feel the helplessness Terri's death is forcing us to face. He says he does it to empty his brain so he can sleep. If that's the case, it ain't workin' because I know he hasn't slept worth a damn in weeks. Oh sorry!" Hutch quickly apologized.

"That might be three ways of saying the same thing, you know? His running just gives him something else to focus on…a diversion. It is a band-aid, not a cure, for what his heart is going through. I suspect he knows that. He is usually in touch with what his heart and head are telling him."

"Normally, I would agree, but th-th-this… Terri's murder… has done a real number on him. How could it not? I am at a loss what to do! It's killing me to watch him run himself to ground. I was just over there and his appearance floored me. His clothes were practically falling off, he has lost so much weight."

"I know, I saw him at the funeral home. He looks like a man who has just about given up. But we aren't going to let that happen, are we?"

"Hell no!" Hutch shouted, catching himself by surprise.

"How much does his mother know about what is happening? Have you talked to Rachel at all?"

"I know Starsk called her when Terri first got…got shot." Hutch stammered miserably. "Then he asked me to call her when Terri passed away. He was in no shape to handle that call. You know Rachel, well I guess you don't, but she was ready to hop the next plane out here. I talked her out of it. You think that was a bad idea?"

" No, not necessarily. Why did you do it?" Edith poured another glass of lemonade for Hutch. "Here you go, son. Take your time." She discreetly slid a napkin over to Ken. "It's ok, all that garage dust makes my eyes water too."

Hutch picked up the napkin and surreptitiously wiped at his eyes. " I thought maybe Starsky might feel more comfortable with me. We've seen a lot over the years, and he helped me when Gillian... I mean, I know he and Rachel are very close, but I thought maybe for this situation…"

Edith picked up the thread, " You thought he might relate to you better?"

"Exactly, since we both loved Terri, in different ways, of course. But now I am not so sure, that was the right thing to do. I thought I had seen every side of Starsky, but I never saw this coming. He has every emotion locked down so damned (sorry) tight, that I am really afraid he might explode."

"As one mother talking for another, I think Rachel deserves to know what is happening. Maybe you are right about her not coming out here…until later, but if Starsky were my son, I would need to know…"

"I really thought I could help him out. When G-G-Gillian died, he was the one person I knew I could count on. He has always been there for me. But this time…things are so different." Hutch looked off into space, trying to gather his thoughts.

"Ken, honey, don't make this about you. David needs help from whomever is qualified to give it to him. I can't think of anyone that answers that description better than yourself. BUT, please don't fool yourself into thinking that you have to do it alone, or even that you CAN do it alone."

Hutch opened his mouth to protest, but Edith continued. "Ken, I've heard Harold talk about the connection you and Dave share. Now don't blush, it's pretty obvious to anyone that spends any time around the both of you. Something like that is incredibly rare and you and David are lucky to share that kind of bond. However, that doesn't mean you two can go through life like a two person island of calm in a swirling hurricane of crazy. You have to let other people on that island from time to time."

Hutch absorbed this for a minute, " You're right, Edith. It's just that when it comes to Starsky, I know he trusts me to do the right thing, just like I trust him…"

"Other people love him too, Hutch, that is all I am saying. Other people see what Terri's death is doing to him and want to help. Let them." Edith said softly. She had risen from her chair, walked behind Hutch and wrapped her arms around his shaking shoulders..

Rather than resist, Hutch gave into the motherly embrace. "You're the best Edith. Cap knew what he was doing when he asked you to marry him. All the savvy of a police detective combined with brains of a psychologist plus gorgeous to boot. He is a very lucky man." A bit embarrassed, again, Hutch clumsily gathered up the glasses and lemonade pitcher and left to return them to the kitchen. "Thanks again, I'll let myself out. I want to stop for a minute to talk to Rosie."

"Please keep me caught up on how things go with you and David. I'll keep you two boys in my prayers, like always."

"Of course…and thank you. A word to the Guy upstairs never goes amiss in our line of work."

Hutch stopped out front to play a quick game of hopscotch with Rosie. For reasons he couldn't explain, this silly children's game brought him the first little bit of happiness he had felt in weeks. "Thanks Rosie, I needed that. Next time I come over we'll check out that treehouse, OK?"

Rosie leaned her head back to address the blonde detective, "Sure Uncle Ken. Being so high up in the air makes me happy, maybe it would make Uncle Dave happy too. I don't want him to be sad anymore."

Hutch swept Rosie up in his arms and situated her on his shoulders. "I know you don't, sweetie. Nobody does. I bet your treehouse is just what he needs, that, and one of your famous peanut butter, jelly, mayonnaise, and banana sandwiches. Nobody makes those quite as good as you!" The detective and his little friend giggled together, then Hutch returned Rosie safely to the ground. "Keep being a good girl, sweetie. Uncle Dave and I will be around real soon." Ken unlocked his car, slid into the driver's seat and drove away waving.

Chapter 4

Hutch had to admit his visit to the Dobey's did him more good than he thought possible. For some reason, he never had any problem talking to Edith about personal problems that might be vexing him. Something he could never do with his own mother. He often wondered who was at fault in that familial situation. "Forget it Hutchinson, " he chided himself. "There isn't enough therapy in the world to sort out that family dynamics problem." As Hutch walked up to the front door of his canal bungalow, he heard the phone begin to ring. "I'm comin' I'm comin'" he groused. The door had jammed again and he had to use his shoulder to bang it open. The phone continued to ring. Out of breath and rubbing his shoulder, Hutch snatched up the receiver of the offending telephone. "Yeah!" he practically snarled. A slight gasp on the other end of the phone settled him back down. "Sorry, this is Hutch."

"Ken?" an unsure voice answered. "This is Mrs. Starsky…Rachel…David's ma. If this is a bad time, I can call back."

"Uh! No, sorry about that, Rachel. Not a bad time, I just walked in the door." It felt like he had just walked into the door. Hutch grimaced as he rubbed his throbbing shoulder.

"Are you sure? I'll be glad to call later." Rachel and Hutch talked fairly frequently, but he usually instigated the calls.

"No, no, Rachel. In fact I was going to call you."

"It's Davy isn't it. I knew something wasn't right! I called his place, but the phone was off the hook or something. What's happened?"

"Rachel… hold on! He was probably in the shower or something. I just left his place a little while ago. He was going out running."

"What? David hates running…unless…" she trailed off.

This was not at all the reaction Hutch was expecting. "Unless what? " He tried to draw out an explanation.

"Hutch? David isn't alright is he? Terri's death sent him into free fall, didn't it? Truth."

Again Hutch was flabbergasted at the precise reading of the situation Rachel had just exhibited. "I don't know how you zeroed in on that from the little bit of information you just heard, Rachel. But you're right. I have never seen him this way before and it is scaring the hell out of me. What's running have to do with it though? I don't understand."

Rachel Starsky began to pace the length of her living room, stretching the telephone cord to its limits. She checked the carpet behind her, surprised she hadn't worn a path since David became a detective. In her late fifties, Rachel could pass for much younger. She and her oldest son shared the same soft dark, curly hair, and sapphire colored eyes that could melt steel or hearts. Since losing her husband when her boys were young, Rachel Starsky had become a fierce self-advocate. She loved and protected her sons with every fiber of her heart and soul. With David, she had a particularly strong bond, so the news of Terri's death was a bitter blow to her as well. Hutch's admission that David had begun running again, sent shivers through her. "Ken, tell me about David, please. What is going on with him?"

"Well. like I said, he runs…he runs a lot… too much. It's weird because you, me and everyone else knows how much he hates to run. What are you thinking?"

Rachel stopped her pacing and sat down in a comfortably worn out, overstuffed armchair by the telephone table. "He's done it before, become obsessed with running, I mean. You know him, he wears his daily emotions on his sleeve, but the most intense ones, he buries."

"You can say that again, but what does that have to do with him becoming Marathon Man?" Hutch questioned.

"I believe it's how he works through his most debilitating pain. The day after his father's funeral, he disappeared for hours. I was frantic. He took off early in the morning and didn't come back until almost dinner time. He looked miserable, like he had been crying the whole time. He wouldn't let anyone try to comfort him or get close to him in any way. Ken…Hutch, he was like something out of a zombie movie. Davy wouldn't eat, wouldn't talk and at night he wouldn't sleep. I could hear him pacing around in his room, like a caged tiger. Nicky finally came in to sleep on my bedroom floor because David would keep him up all night. This went on for weeks. I was at my wits end and had no idea what to do. It really was terrifying. Then one day, it just stopped. Out of the blue, he just quit. I guess he worked through his pain, or something. It's a good thing too, because he had just about worn that thirteen year old body out. It took him a couple days in hospital to start rebuilding his strength, and months to find his heart again. Then,a couple of years later, right after he found out he was going to live with his Uncle and Aunt in California, he took off running again. Same thing. Gone all day, and pacing all night." It hurt her soul to dredge up these memories.

"I'm so sorry, Rachel, he never told me. Starsk doesn't really talk about that time in your lives. LIke you said, the deeper the feeling, the harder he works at keeping it buried. I am sorry, too, that I didn't call you sooner. You have every right to know what is happening. I just thought I could…could."

"You thought you could spare me? Or you thought you could help David on your own? Both thoughts are appreciated, but not necessary. I know how closely you two watch out for each other. It's a very scary world you boys live in." Rachel replied with her typical depth of perception.

Hutch had to chuckle, " Yeah it can be, and we do ok most of the time. Right now things are a little bumpy though. I don't know what to do to help him. I know you said he came out of it on his own, but he's not a kid anymore. Things don't always change for the better when you get older. And, well, there are a lot of us that are really worried about him. He has done his best to shut everyone out, but I am not going to let that happen."

"I know you won't, Kenny. And that is why I am not jumping on the next available flight. You two have your own way of working through the impossible times and I know you will figure it out."

"Thanks. I guess the best thing I can do, for now, is be his shadow, whether he likes it or not." Hutch answered grimly.

"He may growl, but you know his bark is worse than his bite, at least where you are concerned. Can you please keep me up to date on what's happening? Because you know I won't stop worrying."

"Of course, Rachel. Now that I know he has done this before, I will need your input more than ever."

Ok, son. You take care of yourself too. Bye for now."

"Yeah, bye." Her placement of the word "son" did not go unnoticed. The Starskys sure had a way of making Hutch feel like he was part of the family. And sometimes the responsibility unsettled him.

Rachel hung up the phone, and fought back her instincts to try to reach David again. For now, she would trust Hutch to guide her boy through his Forbidden Forest of doubt and grief.

Chapter 5

Hutch returned to Starsky's apartment around eleven, the next morning. Newly armed with Rachel's information, he was determined the day would not end without some sort of understanding between them. Just as he pulled up, he glimpsed Starsky turning the corner. Hutch called out, "Perfect time…" But, something was definitely not right with his friend. "You OK, Starsk?"

Starsky staggered to his stairway,and collapsed. Hutch slid across his car hood and was by Starsky's side in an instant. The feverish sheen on his friend's pallid face drove daggers into his heart. "Starsk! Talk to me!"

Although Starsky's glazed eyes were having trouble focusing on Hutch's face, he recognized the concern in Hutch's voice. " Chest….hurts. Can't….breathe." He feebly grabbed at his sweat soaked t-shirt.

"Let me get you upstairs, buddy."

Starsky started to protest, but Hutch shut him down. "Just grab on around my neck, if you can." It wasn't pretty, but Hutch managed to get his friend up the stairs and onto his still-made bed. "Now lie there while I call an ambulance."

Too weak and disheartened to manage anything else, Starsky obeyed.

With the call made, Hutch looked back at his friend. He could see Starsky's face was streaked with sweat and tears. "What's happening to you?"he wondered aloud. "Why are you shutting me out…of this… of all things?"

Fighting for breath, Starsky looked at Hutch. He couldn't really summon the words he wanted to say, but his eyes spoke volumes.

"It's OK, buddy. Just relax, it's gonna be ok." Shifting his gaze to the window, Hutch saw the ambulance pull up. "Medics are here, so relax and let them do their job." He rushed down the stairs to direct the paramedics to Starsky's apartment.. "In there," he pointed towards the bedroom.

One of the medics applied an oxygen mask, while the other checked Starsky's vital signs. The senior medic spoke up, "Your friend here is in pretty rough shape, but he should be ok after some rest. Is he training for a marathon?"

"Not exactly," Hutch obfuscated. "He'll be OK?"

"Yeah, we'll take him in to be checked out, he is really dehydrated, and just plain exhausted. His vitals are ok, though. A few days rest and fluids and he should be good as new."

"If only…," Hutch muttered under his breath. "Sooo, can I ride with him to the hospital?"

"'Fraid not, but you can follow us."

"Sure, which hospital? I need to get a call into our Captain."

"We'll be headed to Memorial."

Starsky started to look annoyed at the fact everyone was talking around him, as though he were a corpse on a slab. Finally, Hutch noticed and grinned, "Sorry, Starsk. We got busy and forgot you were here." he teased. " I will be right behind the ambulance. I just want to call Dobey to fill him in. Maybe he'll bring you a toy, if you are a good boy and do what the nurses say."

Starsky rolled his eyes, "Thanks, Hutch. I guess, things got a little out of hand, huh." he answered weakly.

"I guess so, you turkey. We'll talk later. You get some rest and I'll be around when you wake up."

Chapter 6

The night shift at the hospital had just come on duty when Starsky finally woke up. He had no recollection of where he was, or how he got there. Looking wildly around the room, he caught sight of Hutch napping fitfully in a plastic chair at the foot of his bed and relaxed. "Morning sunshine, " Starsky croaked huskily.

Hutch woke up with a start. "Oww! My neck! I don't think it's morning pal, but I'm glad to see you awake! You were out for the count."

Starsky began to come aware of what was happening and what had happened. "Did I do this?" He gestured to the various pieces of machinery that were beeping and buzzing around his bed.

"'Fraid so, buddy. You remember your run this morning? It didn't end so well. You passed out…I dragged you up to your apartment…there was an ambulance…and well, here you are. Apparently, the doctors think you're gonna make it." Hutch resorted to their tried and true method of teasing each other to take the edge off of their worries.

"Terrific. I feel like crap, actually. I guess my running days are over for a while." Starsky's face softened, his bewildered look was replaced by one of sadness.

"Talk to me, Starsk. What is happening?" Hutch inquired gently.

"Not tonight. In the morning, OK? They must have given me something good, because it's been weeks since I have had this much sleep."

Hutch reached over and ruffled Starsky's hair, " Sure, I'll be here first thing. Can I trust you to behave yourself?"

"Under normal circumstances, I'd say 'no,' but tonight that won't be a problem…hey Hutch? Thanks …"

The two friends' eyes locked in a look that said more than a million words could ever convey. Hutch gave a little self conscious smile and departed the hospital room. Starsky let the medicine do its job, and fell into a sound, dreamless sleep.

Chapter 7

The following morning found Hutch barrelling through the hospital, just as the clock struck seven. Fortunately, every hospital in the city was familiar with this crime fighting duo and their uncanny need to be by the other's side when in peril. Hutch pulled up at the nurse's station. "Has the doctor been in to see Starsky this morning? What kind of night did he have?"

An attending nurse looked up and smiled, "Good morning to you too, Officer Hutchinson. You can go on in. The doctor just left. I think Officer Starsky had a pretty quiet night."

Hutch gave the nurse an apologetic smile, "Sorry, good morning Pam. He had a good night, then? I am not always so rude, I promise.'

"No need to apologize, I totally understand. Now scoot, I have work to do. Not every patient is lucky enough to have you take care of them."

"Ummm yeah. Well, Officer Starsky and I go back quite a ways."

"We know. You two are the stuff of legends in hospital circles."

Hutch had to grin, "Yeah, we do spend a little time here, don't we?" Hutch turned to walk down the hall and nearly fell face first over a service cart he failed to see. "Have a good day, Pamela," he added, trying to sound nonchalant. Regaining his footing, Hutch continued down the hall to Starsky's room. Knocking softly on the door, he waited for Starsk to welcome him in. When that didn't happen he peaked his head around the door, expecting to see Starsky resting in bed. That wasn't the case.

"Just what in the hell do you think you are doing?" Hutch bellowed. His partner was literally running in place. "Get back into bed before I call your doctor."

Hutch's voice caught David off guard. He whirled around to face his incredulous partner.

"Don't look at me like that, Starsky. What the hell are you doing?"

Starsky's face crumbled, "I don't know, Hutch, I don't know. I know this is what put me in here in the first place, but I can't stop myself. I HAVE to run or…" he couldn't go on.

"Or what? Talk to me!" Hutch pleaded.

Starsky returned to his bed and sat on its edge. "Or I might… I might self-destruct. Hutch, I don't think I am strong enough to go on without Terri. I don't know if I want to."

Hutch moved the plastic chair around the bed and sat it squarely in front of his miserable partner, locking Starsky in place with his knees. He looked directly into Starsky's bloodshot eyes. "Do you think Terri would want you to talk this way? She was one of the strongest people I have ever known, what do you think she would say about you talking like this?

David lost control and fired back, "We'll never know, will we? Because she's dead. She is dead because she was my girl! If it weren't for me, she would still be alive. That's a truth I can't face for the rest of whatever."

"Listen Starsky, this is me you are talking to. Do you think I don't know what you are feeling? It hasn't been that long since Gillian's death."

Those sobering words momentarily shocked Starsky out of his rant, "Oh God," he muttered. "I didn't mean that the way it sounded. But Hutch, the hurt is relentless."

'I know, partner. I know." Hutch continued to face David. "Maybe the hurt ever really goes away, maybe we just learn to knead it into our everyday life. It is still there, but maybe most of the sharp edges wear down eventually. Maybe once the pain becomes part of us, it makes us stronger. Damn! It has to be good for something!" Hutch was remembering his own struggle to deal with Gillian's death. There were some days that the pain was fresh and debilitating and others when it all just seemed like a distant nightmare.

"A pain this bad should show! Then maybe everyone would stop telling me things will be ok. It's like when I cracked my ribs playing football in high school. On the outside I looked fine, but every breath felt like shards of glass slicing up my insides." David slammed his fists impotently on the mattress. "It isn't OK and it never will be. I loved her and because of that she was killed. I don't know what I am supposed to do!"

"So you run?" Hutch asked softly.

"Yeah. I guess I run to try to escape the feeling of helplessness. It scares the hell out of me." Starsky couldn't bear to look at his friend. He was fighting to hold on to his feelings and knew one look at Hutch's face would bring down the wall he had struggled to build since Terri's shooting.

Hutch was having none of it, "Look at me," he said calmly. "Look. at. me. I can't say that I know exactly how you are feeling. Hell, I can't even handle my own feelings most of the time. But if you want to talk, you know I will listen."

If possible, this made David feel worse. "I know that Hutch, you are the best friend I have in the whole world. The thing is, I don't even know how to put these feelings into words. The deeper my feelings are, the harder they are to…articulate! Then I do stupid stuff…" Frustration was written all over his face.

"Like turn into the Marathon Man?"

"Yeah, like that," Starsky said sheepishly. "Something's gotta give Hutch. I have no idea what to do."

Hutch too, was at a loss for words. After a few moments of silence, he looked up at his miserable friend. "I don't either, but we don't give up." Ken thought back over his conversation with Edith, then said, " We just have to let other people on our island."

Starsky looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"It was something Edith Dobey told me the other day."

"I'm listening." Starsky deadpanned.

"Never mind. You know I would do anything to help you, right?"

"Sure."

"Well, the best way I can help you now, I think, is to have someone else help you."

"You thinkin' what I think you're thinkin? You think a shrink could help?"

"Yeah. That's not crazy, is it?"

Starsky chuckled, "To tell the truth, I had already thought of that. I hope you don't think I don't trust you?."

" 'Course not." Hutch let out the breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. "As good as Me and Thee are, we have to realize there are other people who can fill the gaps, when necessary."

"OK, partner, who knows, maybe this could help us both." Starsky felt a shift in his mood, having divulged his intentions to Hutch. He had played with the idea of seeing a psychiatrist for the last couple days but was afraid of how Hutch would take it. "Hey, I am pretty tired, you mind if I get some shut eye? You look awful, yourself, why don't you go home and get some sleep and something to eat. I hear the Dobeys sent a bunch of food to your place," Starsky teased. "We can't have both of us looking like something the cat dragged in."

Hutch smiled at hearing a glimmer of Starsky's famous sense of humor surface. "Sure, I'll get out of here." He pushed himself out of the uncomfortable chair using Starsky's knees for leverage. "See you later."

"MmHm." Starsk nodded and waved his friend out of the room. He reached for the nurse's call button.

A couple minutes later, a nurse appeared at his door. "What can I do for you, Detective Starsky?"

"Um, can you find my doctor…Dr. Hoffmann? I need to ask him something."

"Sure, I think he is still making rounds, it might be a few minutes, but I'll make sure he doesn't leave before contacting you."

"Thanks, schweetheart!" Starsky said in his favorite Humphrey Bogart imitation.

Chapter 8

The next few days took on a more healthy outlook for Starsky. He was released from the hospital with Hutch's sworn promise to keep him on house arrest and fed. Dr. Hoffmann had set up several appointments with Dr. Roberta Evans, psychiatrist. Starsk was ripe to talk to someone…anyone…that might be able to help clear his head and come to terms with Terri's death. The instincts developed from years on the streets, told him Dr. Evans could be trusted to help navigate him out of his dismal forest of despair.

With each session, Starsky felt himself get a little stronger. Dr. Evans, with a wicked sense of humor to match Starsky's, let him know that his road to peace and acceptance would be a marathon, not a sprint. She talked to him about simple, powerful methods to turn off the noise his brain was churning out and listen to his heart. It surprised him to find out his heart was still capable of producing positive feelings.

Chapter 9

Hutch continued to keep an eye on his partner, even after Dobey had called him back back to work. It became his habit to stop in and make sure Starsky ,at least, had a decent lunch to eat. Dr. Evans had stressed the importance of a nutritious diet when trying to regain strength and balance, and Hutch took this to heart. While rummaging through Starsky's refrigerator Hutch was surprised to see that his partner had snuck up on him.

"Hutch?" Starsky asked. "You know what tomorrow is?" Starsky's blueberry eyes were soft and vulnerable.

Hutch was caught off guard by the look on his partner's face, "Uh…You ok, Starsk?"

"Yeah, I was just askin' if you knew what tomorrow was?"

Hutch thought for a second then said quietly… "It's been two weeks since…" His own ocean blue eyes reflected his sorrow.

"Well, one of the things I promised Terri…" David's mind flashed back to one of Terri's favorite sayings "promises, promises …best friends don't need to promise…" Blinking, Starsky continued, "One of the things I promised Terri was that two weeks after…" his voice broke. He tried again, "Two weeks after her passing I would have some of our closest friends over for a memorial dinner, of sorts."

Hutch smiled, "Tell me who you want, and I'll get them on the island."

"There you go with that island thing again. What the hell are you talking about?" Starsky was befuddled.

"Like I said, it was something Edith told me. She said, regardless of how good we are at Me and Thee, at some point we have to allow others into our lives…or, or or something like that." Hutch stammered with embarrassment .

"That's funny, Dr. Evans has told me kind of the same thing. I don't think she really understands the world we operate in, but I do understand what she means. You're my pal, Hutch, I know you will do anything within your power to have my back, but no one person can do it all. How did Cap'n Dobey end up with such a smart lady? Maybe we should be answering to her?" Starsky tried to cut the awkward air that was hanging in the kitchen with some humor.

Hutch cleared his throat. "Yeah well, who would you like to come to this dinner?"

"You and Christine, umm, the Dobey's, Huggy, that should be enough. Don't you think?"

"Whoever you want." Hutch put down the plate of food he had prepared and gently led Starsky to the table. "You sure you are up to this?"

"No," Starsky shrugged, "And I have to start sometime. Besides,I promised Terri."

"OK, consider it done. Tell you what, I'll spring for the beer."

"And I'll order pizza! All this healthy organic seaweed, and butterfly chips you've been feeding me has left me craving some real food. Now get out of here, one of us has to report to work or they'll take away our parking spot."

"You got that right! See you tomorrow. I'll get the invitations out."

"Hutch…there are be worse people I could be stuck on an island with."

Hutch smiled as he closed the door to the apartment behind him.

Chapter 10

Once Hutch's car cleared the driveway Starsky picked up the phone to call Rachel.. "Hey Ma, it's me."

The warmth of Rachel's smile could be felt through the phone line. "Davey! Am I glad to hear from you!"

"Sorry, I haven't been in touch. Things were pretty messed up for a while…"

"Ken has kept me up to date. Hope you don't mind." She continued, "David I am so sorry about your loss."

"Thanks ma, it's tough. But I'm not telling you something you don't know. Anyway, Hutch told me you two had been in touch. It should have been me though, I feel bad about not telling you what has been going on, myself. I guess he told you that I did that running thing again. Ended up back in the hospital, just like before. Maybe I learned my lesson this time though."

"If that's the case, honey, then we can all be grateful. When Hutch told me what was happening to you, all I could think of was right after your father died. Of course, I wanted to come right out to help you navigate this dark time, but Hutch suggested I wait a bit. He thought he could do the job this time."

"He was right. He and Dr. Evans are helping to keep me tethered. There have been a few storms, but I ain't been blown away yet." Then realizing how that might sound to his mother, he backpedaled, " Not that I don't want to see you!"

"Of course you do!" Rachel laughed. "Dr. Evans?"

"She is my psychiatrist, but I like to think of her as more of a teacher. In the few times I have seen her, I have learned a lot about myself. That can't be bad, right?"

"Indeed it cannot. I am very proud of you, son. It takes a very strong person to admit they need help. Not that I ever doubted you…"

Starsky grinned, "I wish you could have let me in on that about twenty years ago. It could have saved me a lot of trouble."

"Nope, that kind of strength is something each person has to discover for themselves. You would have never believed me."

"Yeah ma, you are probably right. Anyway, just checking in. I have a dinner party to plan for tomorrow."

"A dinner party! Don't you mean you have pizza to order and beer to buy?"

"You nailed it, ma. Don't know how you do it!"

"It's ma-dar, like I've told you since you were old enough to get in trouble."

"Yeah, terrific. I'll talk to you next Friday. Love ya. Buhbye."

Chapter 11

Hutch was a man of his word. He delivered the beer and all the invited guests to Starsky's place at 7 PM. After polishing off nearly a half dozen pizzas, Starsky stood with a bottle of beer in his hand. "I just want to thank all of you for being here. Not just tonight, but always, Your friendship has kept me tethered to this earth, when I wasn't sure I even wanted to be here. Here's to the unbreakable bond of friends, here, and somewhere else. Because true friends, and loves, are never further away than our hearts." He looked at each person in attendance, put his hand over his heart, then continued, "To Terri! You will always be a part of me."

Hutch stood and clinked his bottle with Starsky's, "To Terri! Thanks for making us smile and laugh like teenagers cutting class. You are a true match to Starsky's demented wit and truly amazing soul."

Christine looked to Hutch, then smiled, "Terri was the sister I never knew I needed. She was a crazy optimist with her feet set firmly on the ground. I don't even know how that is possible. I can only hope to be more like you."

Then it was Huggy's turn, "What it is, Terri? I feel you're still around. You made my curly headed brother smile from the inside out. Something like that does not go unappreciated. Terri, you are a star that keeps on shining." He clinked his bottle with Edith Dobey's, and sat down.

Edith stood, and thought for a minute. "Well, I only met Terri a couple times…but she was something special. Anybody that could make David light up, like he did in her presence, has more staying power than this little ole earth can contain. The love she shared with her students and with you, Starsky, and you ,Hutch will never diminish. You will feel her spirit in the ocean breezes you love so well, Ken. David everytime you share a bad joke with Hutch, know that Terri is there egging you on."

Hutch rolled his eyes, "Oh great! As if he needed any help!"

Edith smiled then finished, "Try not to remember her with tears, celebrate her with laughter."

Captain Dobey wiped his handkerchief across his face. He swallowed hard then stood, "To Terri. A hell of a lady." He hated making toasts. Eloquence was never his strong suit.

This time the whole group stood together and drank a toast to the spirit of the friend they all loved so well. Echoing Captain Dobey's words they laughed, "To Terri, a hell of a lady."

Starsky got up to clear the table, as Hutch pulled out a Monopoly game from the shelf dividing the bedroom from the living area. "As a cap to this evening, Starsky would like everyone to soundly thrash him in a friendly game of Monopoly. My partner here, may be the only person alive to have never actually won while playing this tried and true favorite."

Strasky grinned, "Very funny. I'll have you know my skills at Monopoly are legendary. My strategies are without equal!"

Hutch cut in, "Like I said…never won a game."

They divied out the game pieces and counted out the bank. After an hour, it was clear that Huggy was the true master of the game. He had strategic hotels lining the four sides of the game board, and happily collected rent from everyone…especially Starsky.

Surrendering his last piece of real estate to the bank to pay Huggy, Starsky made to end the evening. "I guess Hutch was right," he shrugged. "Thank you all for being here tonight. It made things a little easier."

Edith picked up on the hint, " Come on Harold. I told the kids we would be home by eleven. Thanks for a lovely evening David, I mean it. You come by the house real soon, now. Rosie can't wait to see you again." The Dobey's gathered up their jackets and quietly left.

"Yeah, I best be going too," Huggy said. "I left someone new in charge tonight and I have to make sure I still have a bar. It was real, gentlemen. Until next time."

Hutch said. "You need help cleaning up?"

Starsky looked at the clock, and his face once again took on a soft far away look. "Uh, no, I'll do it tomorrow. Hey? You mind sticking around for a while? We haven't quite finished off all the pizza and there is a beer or two left."

Seeing Starsky's mood shift, Hutch replied, " Sure, let me run Christine home and I'll be back before midnight. Warm that pizza up and we'll play another round of Monopoly."

"Thanks pal, just let yourself in when you get back."

Chapter 12

After Hutch dropped off Christine he hustled back as quickly as he could. Starsky's mood swing scared him a little. It could just be the beer talking, but he wasn't willing to take that chance. Letting himself in, as directed, he found the apartment dark. A weird trail of candles led to the kitchen area and to Starsky. He was sitting on the floor with the Monopoly game set up and ready to play.

"Ummm, you ok Starsk? This is a little weird, even for you."

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was having a moment, but it's ok now. Wanna talk?"

"Sure, about what?" Hutch eased himself down on the floor and popped open a bottle of beer that had been placed there for him.

"I don't know…have you ever thought what it might be like to not be a cop anymore?"

The End