She had just turned twenty-one.
It was early morning, but the sun hadn't risen yet. It was still dark outside. Her bedroom window faced east, so it would be light soon. The curtains were closed, blocking out the light from the street lamps. The room was quiet except for the occasional sound of her breathing.
She couldn't sleep. For the past three nights, she'd tossed and turned until dawn. And every night, she had made up her mind that today would be the day she would kill herself.
This wasn't because she didn't like being alive. On the contrary—she loved life itself. But she had a reason for wanting to die.
The thought came back to her again and again: I don't want to die.
Her name was Sinon. She lived alone in an apartment in Ikebukuro, Tokyo. She worked part time at a convenience store. She was a young woman who looked around twenty years old. She had long, blue hair, which was tied into a ponytail by a black ribbon. Her skin was pale white, and her eyes were bright green. She had high cheekbones and full lips. Her face was beautiful, but she always wore a solemn expression.
That was the image she presented to others. But inside, she felt as though she was hiding something. Something important.
For example, she had never told anyone about the incident that happened ten years ago.
Ten years earlier, she was twelve years old. She was walking home after school one day when a man ran up behind her. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at her head.
"You're dead!" he yelled.
She froze in terror, but then he lunged forward.
The gun went off. A bullet tore through her right shoulder.
Sinon fell to the ground.
She screamed.
When she opened her eyes, she saw him standing over her.
He raised his hand to strike her.
But before he could, she grabbed the gun and shot him.
His body crumpled to the floor.
She fell to her knees, clutching her wounded shoulder.
She had done it.
She had killed a person.
She stared down at the corpse, and tears welled up in her eyes.
I'm sorry, Sinon thought, crying.
She had wanted to kill herself ever since that day. She hadn't been able to forgive herself for shooting the robber. And she couldn't forget the fear and pain she'd felt in the moment of death. She knew that if she continued to live, those feelings would continue to haunt her.
She should have died instead of him.
Sinon had suffered a lot more than just guilt and fear.
After the incident, she was hospitalized for two months. She was in intensive care for almost half of that time. She was treated for shock and depression.
During that time, she was unable to move her right arm. The bullet had torn her shoulder muscle and severed her nerves. After she recovered, she spent several months learning how to use her right arm again.
She had been told that the bullet had entered her shoulder and exited through her chest. That meant the bullet had missed her heart.
But she still had a lot of nightmares about dying. In them, she was running away from the man with the gun. He chased her until she fell to the ground. Then he reached down and shot her.
Whenever she woke up, she would feel nauseous.
One night, she dreamed that she was lying on the ground next to the man's body. His gun was still in his hand. He was staring at her with bloodshot eyes.
In the dream, she screamed, "Why did you shoot me?!"
Then he laughed.
"Because I wanted to see your face when you died."
She awoke with a start.
The dream was so vivid that she could still feel the cold metal of the gun in her right hand. She trembled, and a chill ran down her spine.
She got out of bed and walked into the kitchen. She poured some water into a glass and drank it. Then she went back into her room and sat on the edge of the bed.
She took out a notepad and pen and wrote the words, "I can't forgive myself," in big letters across the top.
I'm sorry, she thought.
She'd written the same thing every night for the past three days. But she couldn't erase the words from the paper.
She'd decided to kill herself. She'd already bought a bottle of sleeping pills and a knife.
She'd planned to do it this evening. She'd go to the roof of her apartment building, climb onto the ledge, and swallow the pills. Then she'd cut her wrists.
She had everything ready.
But she couldn't bring herself to end her life.
She kept thinking about the robber.
I shouldn't have killed him, she thought.
If she hadn't shot him, she wouldn't be suffering now. She wouldn't have this terrible feeling that she was responsible for his death.
She felt like she was stuck between two worlds. She was caught in the middle of the past and present, and there was nothing she could do to escape.
Her mind wandered.
She remembered her first encounter with Kirito.
It was six years ago.
She was working at a convenience store in Ikebukuro. She'd been hired by the manager, who was also her uncle. He was a large man with a heavy build and a thick neck. He was bald, and his eyes were dark brown. He was the type of man who would smile at everyone and treat them kindly.
He gave her a small room near the back of the store. It was cramped, but she was happy to have a place to call her own.
The only problem was that the store was located on the second floor of an old apartment building. It was a bit run-down, but Sinon was used to living in rundown places.
She was cleaning the bathroom one day when she heard footsteps coming up the stairs.
"Excuse me!" she said, turning toward the door.
A young man was walking toward her. He had short black hair and a round face. He was wearing a white shirt and a pair of black pants.
"Oh, um..."
He stopped in front of her.
"Are you the new employee?" she asked.
He nodded. "Yes, I am. My name is Kirito."
"Sinon."
They shook hands.
"I'm really sorry for intruding," he said.
"No, it's okay. You're new here, so you probably don't know where things are. It's nice to meet you."
Sinon smiled.
"Thank you very much. I'm glad to meet you too."
Kirito looked around the store. "Wow, this is amazing! This is my first job, so I didn't think anything would be this clean."
"We have a lot of regulars, so we try to keep the place looking good. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
"No, I think I've seen everything."
He started to walk away.
"Um, wait a minute!" Sinon called after him.
He turned around.
"Do you need something?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, but I was wondering if you could tell me what time it is? I'm a little lost, and I don't have a watch."
"Oh, sure. It's ten thirty-five."
"Thank you very much!"
Kirito left the store.
Sinon watched him go, smiling. She was happy to see someone so friendly.
That was the first time she had ever met Kirito. They shortly became close friends while working together, usually joking around with one anothwer when customers weren't around. She thought about those memories she had with Kirito. She wondered how he'd feel once she ended her life. Would he be sad? Angry? Or would he be relieved that she'd finally found peace?
She couldn't decide.
Sinon put the notepad and pen on the desk and lay back on the bed.
I'll end it tomorrow, she thought.
She closed her eyes and fell asleep.
It was the morning of her twenty-first birthday.
Sinon woke up and immediately checked her clock. She had set it for eight o'clock. She looked outside her window and saw that the sun was already up. She stretched and sat up in bed.
She had made up her mind. Today was the day she would die.
She walked to the bathroom and washed her face. Then she walked to the kitchen and made a cup of coffee. She sat down at the table and drank it in silence.
She picked up her phone and scrolled through her contacts. There was a list of names: her mother, father, sister, brother, Kirito, and a few other friends. She didn't want to call any of them. She didn't want to explain why she was killing herself, so she just placed the phone on the counter.
Sinon stood up and went to her room. She took a deep breath and opened the drawer in the nightstand. Inside were two knives: a short chef's knife and a long butcher's knife. She selected the latter and returned to the kitchen.
She placed the blade on the cutting board and began to cut the meat.
I'm going to make a steak, she thought.
She chopped the meat into thin strips and laid them out on the cutting board. Then she took a piece of paper and wrote the words "Happy Birthday" on it. Then she folded the paper and slid it under the meat.
She put the rest of the meat into a plastic bag and set it aside. Then she went back into her room.
She took out the sleeping pills and counted them out. One hundred tablets.
I won't feel any pain, she thought.
Sinon swallowed two tablets with a glass of water. She then got dressed and put on her shoes.
She left her apartment and started marking her way towards the roof without saying goodbye to anyone.
It was about ten minutes later when she arrived at the rooftop. She climbed onto the ledge and pulled out her cell phone.
She pressed the button to connect to the outside world.
"Hello?"
"Kirito?"
"Hey, Sinon. What's wrong?"
"I'm sorry to bother you so early in the morning...but I wanted to say thank you."
"What?"
"For being my friend."
"You're welcome."
"And I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?"
"I haven't been a good friend lately. I've been depressed and scared, and I've been ignoring you."
"Don't worry about it. I understand."
Sinon hung up and stared at the phone for a few moments.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
She tossed the phone over the edge of the roof. Then she walked to the edge of the building and was about to jump.
Just before she jumped, she heard a voice behind her.
"Wait!"
She turned around.
It was Kirito. He was standing at the edge of the roof. He had a worried look on his face.
"Sinon..."
He came closer and grabbed her shoulders.
"Let me go!" she yelled.
He ignored her and held on tight.
"Sinon, please listen to me. Don't do this."
"Why?! Why are you doing this?!"
"Because I care about you."
"Then let me go!"
"No, I can't. Not until you hear what I have to say."
Sinon struggled against Kirito's grip, but he wouldn't let go.
"Please, I don't want you to die. I love you."
"Shut up!"
Sinon tried to push him away, but he didn't budge.
"Listen to me! I don't care about you or anyone else anymore. If you won't let me go, then I'll jump anyway!"
Kirito grabbed her arm and pulled her close.
"Sinon, please don't do this."
His lips were right next to her ear.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
She leaned forward and kissed him.
Their lips touched, and their bodies were pressed together.
"I'm sorry," she whispered again.
"I forgive you."
She slowly pulled back from the kiss.
"I love you," she said.
"I love you too."
Sinon hugged Kirito tightly and cried.
"I'm sorry," she sobbed.
"It's okay," he said.
She wiped her tears and looked up at him.
"Will you still love me even if I end my life?"
"Of course."
"Okay. I'm sorry."
She smiled and nodded.
"I'm going to live."
She leaned forward and kissed him again.
This time, the kiss was real.