Chapter 1

To have and to hold

The Chicago winter air hit his face as he made his way through the familiar streets. He welcomed the cold air on his face, breathing it in. He wished he could summon a fresh start in this old place like the fresh air hitting his face. It had been a whole year since he left this place to escape what had happened here, what he thought he could never get over, never unsee. But even as the memories hit him the moment he stepped foot into the familiar hospital building, it was not all as dark as he had expected. The dark memories mingled now with some sweet ones. This place took its toll on him, took a lot away but it also gave him a lot. It was a colorful canvas, he deduced, as he took in the familiar setting of the ED and some dear faces, before they could spot him. It was a canvas, the black blended with the white and the blues, all the beautiful colors of what this place now represented to him. He breathed deep as he watched Maggie who was shouting orders at the medical staff, Choi dashing with his usual energy to receive a gunshot patient from the paramedics.

"Bagdhad!" Maggie yelled.

Connor smiled wistfully; everything was still the same, hectic in the Chicago Med ED. He avoided looking for any more familiar faces and took a detour to Goodwin's office, avoiding the ED. He didn't want to disturb anyone from their work right now, it was still a bit much and he had other things to take care of first. Like his new appointment, which he was still apprehensive about although it was quite an irresistible offer.

He knocked on Goodwin's door and entered, they were all waiting for him, he knew. He had an appointment and the whole Committee was there. Dr Lathan stood up with a smile and an outstretched hand to greet him. Connor noted that Dr Latham's therapy had made quite the difference in him, if the wide smile on his face said anything about the usually somber head of CT. Sharon ignored the handshake and went for a hug. The others nodded and smiled at him. So far so good, Connor felt welcomed and missed. The truth was, he did miss them too.

Conor was making it into the news a lot lately at the Mayo Clinic where he had been working, making waves. Chicago Med wasn't the only hospital that had come to him with an Attending offer. He had chosen to go with them because it was about time he came home. After his father's death, leaving Clare alone again had been unfair, but he had to sort himself out first. He did visit a lot, took over some of the running of the business even though Clare as the CEO was doing a great job. Connor had come up with some daring inventions in his own field that could completely revolutionize the Cardio Thoracic surgery, making where Doctor Rhodes was, the destination hospital. What hospital would pass that up? And Chicago Med had had to create a new department for him just to sweeten the deal. He wouldn't want to step on any toes, Dr Lathan was still the head of department, Ava was still the attending in the CT department. He didn't want to step on those toes. He would avoid her as best he could. Connor was going to be head of his own department, his own designated team, flexible hours. He especially liked the flexible hours, between his family and the business, he needed that. He signed the contract, shook some hands and took a tour with the members of the board to the new Electronic Invention CT department. His department would mainly be focused on artificial heart transplants. Basically, a mechanical device that is designed to perform the functions of the human heart.

Afterwards, he made his way to the ED to say hi to some familiar faces before he made his way back home. He wasn't starting work for another week, so he had some time to take care of other things.

"Oh, look who's here! Dr Connor Rhodes, the Rockstar!" Maggie shouted for everyone to hear as she spotted him coming into the ED. That got the attention of most of the hospital staff in the ED, some leaving their posts to come and great him with genuine smiles on their faces. He smiled at Maggie and gave her a hug. She looked into his eyes with eyes that seemed to see too much, sympathy and understanding and genuine joy on her face.

"I'm glad you're here." She said.

"Missed you too Maggie." He responded

Will came in and gave him a handshake and half hug, that smile of his on his face. "Glad to have you back man. Heard the rumor but wasn't sure it was true."

"Would only believe it when I saw it!" Choi said, coming to give him a hug too. "Welcome back man."

The hugs and jovial greeting went on with everyone welcoming him back.

Natalie came to embrace him, "And nobody noticed that band on your finger in all this frenzy. See how excited we all are to see you?" She joked.

"Oh, Dr Hotshot got hitched?!" Maggie said excitedly, noticing the ring on his finger for the first time. "Who by?"

Conner smiled shyly at her, "Robin."

"Who else?" April said, smiling and giving him a congratulatory hug.

"Of course," Will said in agreement.

They all knew how much he had loved Robin. They had all been witness to it through Robin's illness and recovery, how he never left her until she left him herself. More than that, they saw just how much he loved her that day she was kidnaped, and they were supposedly broken up. But the heart had its own ideas than to let Connor move on.

Congratulations went on and they promised to catch up at Molly's after shift, as Connor walked out of the ED. He was going to go home to his wife in the meantime.

…

Connor remembered the day she came back to him, as he drove to the Rhodes mansion. He had tried to move on, having seen that guy whose leg he had imputed stoically move on and being grateful he was still alive. Connor resolutely made up his mind then, he wasn't worse off than that guy who had lost a leg. If he could move on, Connor would too. It was over, Robin had left him and he was no longer going to follow her to Minneapolis, he was going to move on and get rid of the feeling he had for her. He would get rid of them if that was the last thing he did! He had never had trouble moving on before. Granted, this time was different but, he would be just like the guy who had lost a limb. But with every different face he had in his bed every night, he couldn't help but wish it was her. And the more he missed her the more women he brought into his bed, to wash off her presence. Different scents, different shapes, he even got rid of the mattress and the sheets, but he would still wake up at night reaching for her. He would walk into his kitchen and see her making coffee, turn to look at him and smile. Maybe he would have to change the apartment. It was harder trying to get rid of Robin, so he'd just have to live through it, in time it will fade. Ava was there, she was a friend, was becoming more so now and he was getting to know her better, at least he had thought. He had her on the list of one night stands he had been bringing home, but eventually he settled at being a couple with her. It seemed to be working. No, his heart wasn't the same with her, it never was with any other woman after Robin but, hey, talk about living without a limb. This was as good as it was going to get. Ava was a colleague, a friend and she seemed to genuinely like him. She had said she loved him but he could never say it back. He had only said it to one woman and one woman only, his Robin. It was puzzling to know how easy it came off his lips addressed to Robin, but he could not even say it to his then current girlfriend to placate her. Maybe he would never be able to say it to another woman again, but he would settle, he could move on.

Then when he found out that Ava had slept with his father to secure a hybrid OR for him, he grew cold. He was surprised how it didn't hurt, how he just so easily moved on and wouldn't even tell her the reason. He was just done. He had been trying too hard with her anyway and he was being weighed down by the effort of it all. When he broke up with Ava, he was actually relieved, the charade and effort was taking too much from him. And her manipulations and obsession with him didn't help much, he wasn't going to go back to that. Or playing the field again. He was going to settle for Robin's ghost, for as long as it took to get over her. Maybe it would have been easier if they had cheated or lied to each other, but he still had to live without her, still couldn't reach out to her, wouldn't. If it was really meant to be, Robin will come back to him, but he really wasn't holding his breath on that fairytale.

But she did come back. Of all the hospitals in Chicago, hell in the whole country, she had chosen to bring her mother to his hospital. Fine, closer to her dad, but his heart couldn't help but grab at the hope when he got her text that she was in the lobby that day. He had been dealing with so much, as usual, heart transplant patient, multiple victim accident, usual day but he found time to research on some apps to have something to give to Robin's mom when he finally met her. He had rubbed shoulders the wrong way with her father a number of times, usually over Robin, but he was determined to make a good impression on her mother. He was that nervous the whole elevator ride to the waiting room, wasn't sure how he was going to feel when he saw her again after almost a year of absence. Then he saw her sitting with her mother and father, they locked eyes and his heart did that triple trip he never thought he would feel again. He could look into her eyes forever, that smile, as she made her way to him, was everything he had been missing. And when he hugged her, it was like coming home at last. Maybe he had not just been missing limb.

They had met up for drinks, to catch up. Had dinner a few days later, and it was everything. She told him all about her recovery back home, her new job, her recovery was complete now. And she looked great! Fresh and happy, like a person again like she had always wanted. She had always been a person to him, his person. If only she had known, that even as some of her days got worse and he had triple surgeries at work, coming back home to her was his real genuine purpose, the only thing he looked forward to at the end of his shift. Even if it meant staying up all night holding her cry in his arms, or helping her make dinner at 4am. The shoplifting had hit her hard, he had tried but if he were being honest with himself, he knew she was going to leave him. There was that look in her eyes, the doubt of his love for her in her eyes told him she was leaving. He knew he had to do something quickly, he had laid in on Reese and the radiologist to schedule her appointment the next day, all the while hoping that there would be a next day. There wasn't. When he got home that night, she was gone.

Now, almost a year later, they sat in a restaurant, exchanging stories, catching up. All the while he wondered what he had failed to do. Was his love not enough to bring this change to her? To bring about her full recovery like this? And like always, she knew what he was thinking.

"I told my mom how you took such good care of me." She said, looking at him with a small shy smile, no doubt remembering her fist days of recovery from the tumor.

"Yeah, she was very expressive of her appreciation." Connor said with his own shy smile, remembering Robin's mom thanking him for taking care of her daughter. He still wondered though if he could have done better.

"You saved me." She said. "I don't know how I could have gotten through that without you. That was the worst of it and you got me through it. When I got back home, remembering how you had been with me gave me the grit to push forward with my recovery, to get better. So, thank you."

"You never have to thank me Robin, you know that." He said. "And I mean it, you look great, and that's all I've ever wanted."

"I feel great." She said with that radiant smile of hers, and went on telling him about her life in Minneapolis, new science projects. They talked and laughed, it had always been so easy to talk with Robin, and he knew he had never laughed with anyone the way he so easily laughed with her. She was his best friend, his favorite person the whole world. He was happy. This was happiness. He never got to tell her about his involvement with Ava. It wasn't a big deal, Robin had left him and he had moved on, no expectations there. He and Ava had broken up, so it wasn't even worth mentioning, maybe. He still felt like he had betrayed Robin, which was ridiculous. They were just friends now, right?

His breakup with Ava was beginning to feel messy. He had thought he had made a clean cut of it but she wasn't in the same head space. There was no way he was going back to her; he was relieved he was over that but now he was slightly alarmed at the manipulative ways she was inventing to keep herself tied to him. Besides sleeping with his father, cutting herself to give herself HIV to keep him guilty and tied to her and reporting him to the committee just to take it back and save him from losing his license. It made him wonder what else she was capable of doing to keep herself tied to him. She was starting to show some sociopathic tendencies and he was alarmed. Her jealousy oozed out when she met him in the corridor the next day waiting for the elevator and she mentioned having met Robin and her mother in the lobby. His protective hackles came up, it was strange just hearing Robin's name from Ava's lips, it made him uncomfortable.

Then Ava convinietly inserted herself to do Robin's mom's surgery. It had been so hard for him to say no to Robin, that look of hope and desperation dashed when he told her he wasn't going to do her mother's surgery because it was too dangerous. She had too much faith in him and he was too sacred to lose her again, after he would have lost her mother on the table. No way he was going there, but it was too hard to watch that hopeful light dashed out of Robin's eyes as he told her 'No'. Maybe he had just lost her anyway, by refusing to do the surgery. His days of shying away from dangerous surgeries were behind him, or so he had thought. But when it came to Robin's mom, he wasn't going there. But Ava had other ideas. She had practically forced him to do the surgery by offering to do it herself. No way he was going to leave Robin's mom's care in someone's hands he didn't trust. Ava was trying to do something; he just didn't know what. His heart in his throat the whole time, but not without his usual calm and steady hands, he had done the surgery. The whole time looking at the face on the table that looked so much like her daughter. He had never been under so much pressure. All the while Ava assisting, hoping he would fail. And he almost did, with Ava intimating that they were going to lose her on the table. Positive as always. When that heart refused to come back even as he continued to defibrillate, Ava shaking her head and rolling her eyes, he looked over at Caroline's still face and saw Robin.

"We cannot keep defibrillating Connor, it's pointless"

"You think I don't know that?!" he yelled back. He was not about to lose Robin's mom on the table. He couldn't just go back out there and say, 'I told you so."

The cross clamp was a hail marry, he looked at that still heart, praying, willing it to beat. Please please please. And it did. It came back strong, and he closed his eyes and released the breath he had been holding. And this was why Robin had trusted him to bring her through. His heart was involved.

Giving Robin and her dad the good news wasn't with his usual 'atta boy' ego, he was just grateful his prayer had been answered. He wasn't about to take any credit, while Ava was willing to take all of it. He had come out of this one again, but something was wrong. Ava was doing something and he didn't know exactly what. He felt that same discomfort as Robin innocently hugged Ava and thanked her for saving her mom. He didn't like it one bit.

And now as he drove through the driveway at the estate, he shook himself from his reverie. He was still a crazy paranoid freak when it came to his suspicions about Ava, because he could never prove anything. And he wondered what it would be like working in the same building with her again. He got out of his car and closed the door, ran up he steps to the big mansion door and went in. It was such a big house he couldn't just yell, 'honey I'm home!" like he would in his Condo. But he searched for his wife and found her in the kitchen with Collette, learning to bake something. He stood there at the door for a moment, taking in the scene. Robin taking instruction on whatever they were baking from his nanny, an apron covering her almost third trimester stomach, one wouldn't guess seeing her behind that counter but his wife was almost eight months pregnant. She looked up and smiled at him, and his world was covered in lights.

"Hey baby." He said, moving forward to embrace her, she came easily into his arms and kissed him soundly on the lips.

"So, how did the job interview go?" She teased.

He kissed her again, "I'm a rockstar, what do you expect?"

She smeared him with the batter on his nose and they started laughing and teasing. Collette just looked at them and smiled. Connor was happy, she had always wanted him to be. He always seemed to carry too much on his shoulders when he was younger, he was better now. No one deserved this happiness more than Connor Rhodes.

…..