Chapter 14

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If i could have anyone in the world, it would still be you.

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Whenever she was upset or feeling lost, she came here to talk to her mom. She sat on a bench near her gravesite and just let the breeze rush through her hair. She took in the fresh air, but didn't feel the lump in her chest ease. She wondered if it was ever going to get better. What if it didn't?

Then she remembered when she got home to Minneapolis after she had left Connor. She had been distraught but determined to get back on her feet. Her father had taught her about grit, 'if you're going through hell, keep going,' and it had never let her down. Only this time, it was a little bit harder to put one foot in front of the other. She didn't know if she could do it. The first few weeks back in Minneapolis she missed Connor so much it hurt. She would just stare out the window and think of him. Was he ok? Had he moved on already? Was he mad at her for leaving? Did he think of her at all?

"Uhmm, you're thinking of him again." Her mother said one day, coming to sit next to her at that window.

"Thinking of who ma?" She asked, trying to cover whatever had given it away. She had not told her mother yet about Connor. She had conveniently left that detail out because it hurt too much to talk about him. It still hurt.

"The boy. Tell me about him baby. I see the way that you look when you hear his name. I've seen his picture up in your frame. You refuse to admit you still miss him but, it's ok." Her mom said, putting her arm around her shoulder. Robin leaned in, resting her head on her mother's shoulder.

"You're a tower of strength when you're breaking down, but through the wall I can hear you." Her mom continued. "When it's quiet you're screaming inside, and I break as I hear you."

Robin let the tears stream down her face now.

"It's in the moments that you're left all on your own, and it hits you from out of nowhere. I'm your mother, I see and I hear you, even when you're quiet like this. You're tough, you hate being weak, but I'm your shoulder to cry on. Talk to me about him."

"I know that people keep saying it's gonna be ok, but what If it isn't?" She looked at her mom with tearful eyes. "I've lost myself mom. My job, my reputation because of this disease. I feel like I'll never get past this. I mean, I've lost the man that I love, what else am I gonna lose?"

"You haven't lost, you're still here baby. That means you still got a chance to get back up. You keep fighting."

"I don't know how mom. I don't know if I have the strength to keep fighting." She said through broken tears.

"Yes you can. You reach deeper. Until you can find the strength. That's what life is baby, it's just one big fight after another. There will be other fights after this on, you better believe that. But you have to win this one to see the next, and it does not come without its rewards baby. Just for you to get to the next one. Like a ladder, with prizes on each step you conquer." Her mother drew her attention, turning her to face her and look in her eyes. "You fight until you can't fight anymore. And when you can't, we'll be there to lift you up and carry you. I know you're scared baby, but don't you worry, I'll teach you to fly before you fall away."

Her mother's perception and motherly warmth won. And once she started talking about Connor, she couldn't stop. It was like she was relieving the moments they had, feeling him close again.

"And that's you grit baby. You get back on your feet again, for him. Because that's what he would have wanted for you."

So, that was her strength, not to disappoint Connor again. Even if they never met again, he would imagine, wherever he was, that she was a person again. She will be everything she could be, but she was never whole, not without him.

"What do I do mom? I'm falling away again." She said now as she sat on that bench at the cemetery, looking for answers and she remembered.

"You dig deeper, find your grit and keep fighting. Keep holding on to him, because he is holding on to you." She heard that as if it was loud and clear, a memory of what her mother had said to her again, and it came as an answer now. She was going to dig deeper and fight. Let him know she wasn't slipping away.

….

He had never been good with Robin's tears. He had vowed he would only make her cry happy tears, that he would die before he broke her heart. In spite of his efforts, he had broken her the most. He looked at her now, sitting at her mother's grave, a sad bundle sitting on that bench. And he had caused that. He hurt just looking at her like that, no doubt she was crying. He observed from afar, not wanting to intrude on her conversation with her mom, which undoubtedly had to do with him. He remembered exactly when he knew he loved her. It wasn't when he told his sister that she could be the one, that he had never felt this way before. No, it wasn't when he first met her even though he knew he liked her instantly. He had just brought her to the hospital that early morning, she was combative, and displaying psychiatric symptoms afraid of rats only she could see. She had almost jumped off his balcony in that delirious state and he was locked inside, not able to reach her. She was going to jump and die just like his mother. When he finally got the ambulance to take her to hospital, he was wondering if he had bit more than he could chew. He loved her but this was too much. When Dr. Qwan said she belonged to a mental health institute he didn't say anything, usually he would protest that vehemently. Her father blamed him for taking her out of the hospital the previous day, he was the fool. The situation was out of hand and he was out of his depth here. Maybe he should just let her go. Walking back to her room a few hours later after his first surgery with Ava, he was not in the mood for niceties. Didn't even greet any of his colleagues in the corridor, his focus on Robin. He just wanted to see her. But as soon as he got to her room and saw someone else in her room, the panic that hit him then was all he needed for confirmation. They say if the heart is uncertain, pain is the answer. It was true. He confronted Maggie and she told him that she had been taken for a Scan. He didn't wait to here more, tearing down the hall to the Lab. The thought of her gone froze his heart, that's when he knew he loved her to death.

He could never break her heart, but now she was breaking because of him and it broke him too. She was a magician at hiding the hurt, but he could see and hear her. She was crying last night in the guest room, he broke as he heard her. She put on a brave face, a smile that faded quickly. She was a fighter, couldn't stand defeat She went about her business but he could hear her tumbling fast, afraid of the future, uncertain. He was usually her shoulder to cry on, now he couldn't even hold her because she was crying because of him. He moved away, waited from afar, saw her get up and tidy herself up so no one could see the tears, hiding the hurt. She got into her car and drove home, he followed.

…..

Dr Charles came to visit them that weekend. They had dinner together, being a normal family on the surface. Connor wondered if Robin was going to leave him. He could not get through to her. Home was awkward silence these days, it had been weeks since that whole thing blew up, since she moved to the guest room. She felt so far away from him he didn't know what to do. His world was falling apart and he could do nothing. He could live without her, he knew he could. He had before. Yes, his broken heart would still beat, he knew that. He could even move on, he had done that too when she left him that time. Gave him a sort of preview of what his life would be without her, and it was empty. He would survive, but he didn't want to. He really didn't.

He walked Dr Charles out after dinner, said goodbye to him and left him standing outside with Robin. He could not help but overhear though.

"You're going to be ok Robin. You and Connor have a love that's stronger than anything that can come your way." Dr Charles was saying to her. "Look at what you've been through together so far."

"I don't know dad. He's so far away from me now. He's been distant for so long, i don't know…"
Her voice was cracking like she was trying not to cry. "Have I somehow made him forget how to love me?"

"Oh honey." Her father said, taking her into his arms. "Sweetheart, you're going to be ok. As long as you love each other, you'll never forget. Neither of you will."

Connor had an epiphany then. All this time he thought he was giving her space she needed, but he was neglecting their love, letting it fade away. He was the one who was being an idiot. He knew what to do now. This ends tonight.

And when they had done their usual routine, put Dillon to bed, she made her way to the guest room but he held onto her hand. No tonight. Not ever again.

"Connor," she tried to protest tiredly.

"I have been an idiot, I know. But this ends right now. I've been distant, thinking you needed the space and I let this fester for too long. It's my fault. It's on me." Connor confessed, taking her face in his hands.

She looked at him and waited, didn't say anything. But her eyes were already smarting with tears.

"I hate fighting with you." She whispered.

"I hate it more." Connor said, coming closer to take her in his arms. "But I'll fight for you. I'll fight anyone and anything for you." He said earnestly.

"I'll fight for you too. For us." She said

"I could never forget how to love you." He said, kissing her with all his heart though her tears.

She kissed him back, the armor breaking easily. He had heard what she had said to her father. And she loved him so much she was drowning without him these past weeks.

He made love to her with all his heart and soul, proving to her that he still remembered how to love her. Forever and always as they had promised each other. And just like that, he was home. His home wasn't a house, it was a person. It was Robin. They say there was one person in the world for everyone. Over seven billion people and one would only be so lucky to find that one. But he had. He only needed this one.