And here we've reached the end! Thanks for all of the support, I really hope you all enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it!
TW: Suicidal thoughts and references to self harm.
Likes and comments are very much appreciated!
So this was harder than he thought it was going to be.
At first, confidence had swirled in Toge's chest so brightly and surely that the ashen blonde thought there was no other way this confrontation could go other than in his favor. This confidence boost had swelled from his chest down to his feet to where Toge had begun walking towards Yuuta's dorm room that sat just across from Toge's own. The confidence slipped from his feet to his arms, and Toge had raised a fisted hand up to knock against Yuuta's door…
…
…and then all confidence had simply swept its way out of Toge's being.
So now he stood in front of Yuuta's doorway…with his fist still raised as though he was about to knock on the door…but he was frozen…and now looking very much like an idiot, he was sure. Thank God the dorms were separated by gender. If Panda caught Toge like this it would be a day full of teasing followed by silence, but if Maki had caught him like this?
Toge was better off cursing himself to death.
Gojo's confession, Gojo's horrifying confession over Yuuta's past had been ringing through Toge's ears all day. How the gloomy boy who brought so much sunshine into Toge's life had tried to kill himself and was exhibiting similar behaviors from that dark time. Toge wanted to help, even before Gojo's relayed information, but he just didn't know how to. How do you help someone who just won't let you in? Especially when it could be potentially something as serious as this?
Toge gulped.
Then came the question of what if Gojo was right? What if Yuuta was feeling those same self destructive feelings again? What was Toge supposed to do? He could offer hugs, was more than willing to offer physical reassurance, but he knew that that would only do so much. He wasn't a therapist, though he knew Gojo wasn't trying to get him to play the role. Gojo only required Toge to get information. Anything else was purely on Toge's own desire. But it wasn't as if Toge could simply get up and walk away once he received his answer. He wanted to be someone Yuuta could lean on for support and more.
But how exactly did he do that?
What about the flip side of the situation? What if Yuuta said no? No, he wasn't feeling those same self deprecating and harming thoughts that he once had. Something else was going on. What then? Then Toge had no leads to go by, and unless Yuuta let his walls crumble to the ground and reached out for Toge's help, there was nothing the blonde could do.
Toge bit back a groan. If this was part of love, maybe Gojo was partially right in his thinking because this was absolute torture.
Toge was about to go insane with indecision. He was damn near about to pull his hair out. He was briefly ready to throw in the towel and slump down on the ground next to the door as he over-thought his next course of action…
…and then he heard something.
He heard something that made his eyes widen and his heart throb in pain. He listened intently to get a confirmation, and once he had it every part of his body ached.
Was Yuuta…
…was he crying?
Over the month of this entire affair, Toge had seen Yuuta look like death every time they passed. There were a million and one physical signs that the older boy's mental health was rapidly declining and taking his physical health with it.
But in that time frame, Toge hadn't once seen the boy cry.
The notion that just beyond this door was the boy Toge went crazy over was crying made an entirely new wave of confidence surge forcefully through Toge's veins.
He refused to let Yuuta be alone anymore.
The crying ceased immediately—fearfully, Toge figured—the moment the blonde knocked quickly on the door. Silence surrounded Toge and the door for all of a few seconds before Toge could hear the shifting of sheets and the light but clumsy footsteps of the boy on the other side. Toge watched as the door creaked open, slowly, carefully, just a fraction so an eye could peek out from the door's slit.
Toge couldn't see much, but he could see Yuuta's eyes, and though he'd seen the boy earlier, this was the first time in a while Toge had seen Yuuta's eyes up close.
He didn't think it possible, but somehow the circles under Yuuta's eyes had gotten darker.
"I-Inumaki-kun?"
Once again with those damn formalities that Toge just wanted to do away with already.
"Konbu," Toge confirmed, voice low and small, smaller than he'd ever known it to be. He was so unsteady, so unsure, but he had to make sure Yuuta knew he wasn't alone.
Cautiously and unsurely, Yuuta creaked the door open the rest of the way so Toge could get a full look at what he was dealing with. Beyond Yuuta, Toge could tell the taller boy's room was a disaster. Clothes were sprawled about the floor haphazardly as though the ravenette had abandoned the idea of laundry day weeks ago. His desk was scattered with papers that Toge guessed were undone homework assignments that Yuuta had abandoned like most of his classes. There was clutter absolutely everywhere, and God, Yuuta's bedsheets weren't even fully on, one corner having flown off the bed at some point.
That was only the surroundings Yuuta was subjecting himself to.
Yuuta, himself, well…he looked worse than his room did. Of course, Toge's breath was still lodged in his throat and the tightness in his chest had returned because Yuuta was standing in front of him, and God, it looks like he's been the butt end of too many jokes and hasn't tried at all to be the setup, but he still gets his heart racing, but at the same time Toge's heart felt constricted because Yuuta was very clearly not taking care of himself.
His hair was unbelievably greasy and unkempt. Toge briefly wondered if the older had taken a shower after his extensive spar with Maki. His eyes looked so tired, so pained, so surprised that Toge was here despite all of the other attempts Toge has made to get the boy to talk. His legs looked like they were shaking and so were his hands, whether from cold or iron deficiency, Toge couldn't differentiate. His skin was snow white, as though he'd come down with some sickness, but Toge wasn't going to try to feel his forehead again in search of a fever that wasn't present. Toge hated to make this observation, would rather swallow it down into a cold and dark pit in his stomach where it would never surface again, but Toge could tell from the bagginess of the shirt Yuuta was wearing—that used to fit him—that the taller boy had lost a substantial amount of weight throughout the month. When was the last time the boy had eaten?
Toge choked down a worried gag, not wanting Yuuta to think that it was from his appearance or smell. No, it wasn't the sight or scent that was getting Toge's nerves shot, the ashen blonde was just finally succumbing to his sickened afflictions brought on sheerly from an abundance of apprehension.
Yuuta palmed quickly at a reddened eye, clear tear tracks lining his hollowed out face. "I-I didn't w-wake you, did I?"
"Okaka!" Toge denied quickly, crossing his arms in an 'x' over his chest. The last thing he needed was for Yuuta to blame himself for Toge being awake at such an ungodly hour of the night…or well, he supposed morning now.
Yuuta winced back slightly from Toge's quick and loud denial but otherwise shot the shorter boy a confused look. "Oh?" He questioned, continuing to cradle his eye in the palm of his hand. "Then…wh-why are you up? Are you o-ok?"
Toge forced down the urge to roll his eyes. Leave it to Yuuta to wallow in a deep pit of misery where he hasn't allowed anyone to help him through it and still be more concerned for others than himself. "Shake," he dismissed, eyes boring into Yuuta's tired ones. "Tsuna mayo?" Yes, I'm fine. May I come in?
Yuuta cringed at the question, briefly looking back into his room then back towards Toge. "I…really don't think you want to come in here," he began. "It doesn't smell th-the best in here, and I h-haven't cleaned in a-ages. P-Pretty pathetic of me I know. S-Sorry I haven't been able to m-maintain, I just…don't th-think it's a good idea for you to come in r-right now."
Toge narrowed his eyes dangerously, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pajama pants.
All he heard was excuses.
"Tsuna tsuna," Toge pressed, a certain tone to his voice that clearly conveyed I'm not going anywhere until you let me in.
Yuuta's eyebrows turned down, taken aback by the younger's confidence and stubbornness. "Wh-What? No, I'd…r-really rather you not come in r-right now. You wouldn't want to."
"Ikura," Toge bit slightly harsher than he'd meant to. Wanna fucking bet?
Yuuta gulped at the others' tone and intended words, a hand moving to clasp at the door's frame as if to separate the other student from entering the room. "Inumaki-kun pl-"
"Mentaiko!"
"...h-huh?"
"Men…tai…ko!"
Yuuta looked speechless for a moment, his wide eyes looking unnatural with the heavy dark circles that were clearly weighing his eyelids down. "You…You want me to call y-you by your f-first name?"
"Shake." That wasn't the point of this, far from it, but God, if Toge wanted to get anywhere he figured this was a decent icebreaker to help smash the formalities and make Yuuta realize he could be open with him.
Yet, this only seemed to make Yuuta all the more confused. "Why?"
Toge never felt his face deadpan as much as it did in that instance. He knew Yuuta could be quite thick headed, but this had to be a new record. "Takana!" Because we're friends… "Okaka?" …right?
The question seemed to strike a nerve, one that Toge hadn't known existed. Yuuta froze up, eyes suddenly widening with a faraway look. His hands constricted around each other tightly, so much so that Toge wondered if he was cutting the blood flow off to the appendages. Yuuta's breathing went slightly ragged, a panicked expression melting its way onto his face. He shook his head quickly, not in response, Toge figured, but rather to dispel the onslaught of thoughts that were attempting to take over his mind. "I…I…" he sounded so unsure of himself, and the fact that he didn't seem to have an answer to a question such as this began to make Toge's feelings crack.
"Okaka?" Toge pressed, his own sense of worry obviously bleeding out into his words. Right? His heart thumped wildly in his chest the longer Yuuta didn't answer the question. They had to be friends. Literally. There was absolutely no way either of them had opened up as much as they had to the other and not be considered at the bare minimum friends. If Yuuta allowed him, Toge would love nothing more than to step that title up a step, but from how the older was making it sound, Toge wasn't even sure if that first step applied anymore.
"We shouldn't be."
The response gave Toge a strong sense of whiplash that made his head spin. "Okaka!" He yelled, uncaring whether or not he woke up Panda. "Takana?" That's nonsense! What the hell are you talking about?
Yuuta, at this point, seemed to be done talking, retreating back more into his room and positioning his hands to shut the door. "L-Look, I really don't want to t-talk anymore, can you j-just-"
…
…
Yuuta cut himself off, eyes wide once again and staring at the ashen blonde. He'd tried to shut the door but only failed. The older gave it another shot but was once again blocked off from getting the door to click shut. A quick glance down gave the ravenette all the reason as to why.
Toge's foot was set right in between the door and the frame.
Yuuta glanced back up, a slight shudder running up his spine the moment his dull ocean blue eyes fell on determined amethyst ones.
Toge's eyes were narrowed with a perilous expression. A look that told Yuuta that Toge wasn't leaving without a fight that he was more than willing to put up.
Yuuta's eyes looked desperate. Desperate to keep to himself in his dark and gloomy world. Desperate to lock others away from whatever he was dealing with. Desperate to let his mental health swallow him whole in whatever way it deemed fit.
Toge was so sick with worry. He was so tired of his friend…his best friend blocking him out.
"I have a feeling he's going to require more force as opposed to simply asking him to talk."
"Assertiveness might be the best way to go about this. I know you have the tendency to be softer around Yuuta, but that's probably not going to work."
Toge wasn't running away.
"Y-You really don't-"
"Ikura." Fuck around and find out.
Realizing he was on the losing side of the battle, Yuuta sighed, slowly, and all but hesitantly, allowed his door to swing open. Toge gave a gentle nod of satisfaction, fully stepping into the boy's room and shutting the door behind him. While the cursed energy that bathed the room was rather low, there was another bout of energy swathing the both of them that made Toge feel absolutely suffocated. His shoulders felt heavy and his heart rate spiked considerably. It was, as he expected, beyond depressing in the room that basically became Yuuta's hideout.
The owner of the room stood awkwardly across from Yuuta, rubbing protectively at his sleeved arms as though to keep himself warm. Toge had his suspicions, however.
"Alright, you're in," Yuuta stated with what sounded to be a twinge of irritation. If Toge didn't know the boy better, he would've believed the older was ebbing onto the line of feeling pissed. But Toge knew better than that. "What do you want?"
He was trying to keep his walls up, something Toge was making increasingly difficult to do. He'd already infiltrated the heart of the area Yuuta allowed himself to isolate away, but Toge still had to chip piece by piece away at Yuuta's mental walls. "Takana." I want to talk.
Yuuta cocked an eyebrow. "About…what?" He sounded unsure.
"Sujiko." You've been acting weird recently.
Once again, Yuuta went rigid, his hands ceasing their rubbing action against his arms. "I-I have not!"
"Mentaiko." Bullshit.
"I-It is n-not," Yuuta tried, albeit uselessly.
"Ikura." Liar.
"H-Hey, th-that's not-"
"Tsuna mayo." You've never been a good liar. Not to me.
"But I'm n-not-"
"Takana? Ikura." How long are you going to try to keep this up? Because I know better, and I'm not taking these excuses.
"Th-They're not excuses," Yuuta tried, a tightness forming in his voice that told Toge the older was on the verge of breaking. He balled his sleeves tightly in his fists as though the action was keeping him grounded. Teeth began to grind into each other while Yuuta redirected his gaze from Toge, anywhere but Toge. "I'm fine," he ground out.
Toge looked at him unimpressed. "Okaka." You're not.
"I am," Yuuta insisted, a certain bite to his voice that told Toge the older was on the verge of crying. Toge had been doing a fairly good job at keeping himself aggressive to get answers, but he felt his resolve diminish slightly. Yuuta was going to cry. But at least this time Toge could show him he wasn't alone. "I'm fine. Nothing's wrong." He sniffed, taking a sleeved palm across his eye.
Toge's chest felt heavy. Yuuta sounded so small, so hurt, so…broken. Like he wasn't even trying to convince Toge that he was fine anymore. It sounded more as though the ravenette was trying to convince himself. As though he was so sure of himself, as though he'd been lying to himself every single day for the past month, telling himself that he was fine, only to be questioning it now. Toge knew Yuuta wasn't that blind. There's no way he could be. He'd simply built up a shelter of lies that Toge was beginning to tear down.
Toge shook his head and took a deep breath, raising his hands to sign. 'You're not fine. You can't be,' Yuuta opened his mouth to interrupt, but Toge didn't give him the time, quickly signing his next set of thoughts. 'You keep missing classes, and if your desk is anything to go by, you haven't turned an assignment in for weeks. The Yuuta I know is much more conscious and caring about his academics. He'd never let himself fall so far behind. He always tried his best, and if something was up he'd tell someone. He'd tell me,' Toge tried his best to not let his frustration from being shut out bleed into his signs.
Yuuta, however, looked as though he was going to retaliate again, eyes set with lies that were loaded like defective bullets. It didn't matter how or when Yuuta pulled the trigger, absolutely every single one of those lies was going to backfire. "I just-"
'You told Panda you didn't want to come to movie night,' Toge continued, stepping his game up a bit more, aggressive nature showing through again. 'You never skip out on movie night. You're always so excited to spend time with us, and often you're the one trying to keep us all together so we can watch more and more. You get grumpy whenever we miss a single one. You enjoy spending time with all of us, and suddenly you don't? That's not normal for you.'
More tears welled up in Yuuta's eyes, and Toge could see them. They glistened perilously in the moonlight that pooled in vaguely from the corners of Yuuta's curtained window. The tip-tapping sound of a begging rain resounded loudly throughout the otherwise silent room. Toge found it reminiscent of the raindrops that began to fall like acid from Yuuta's eyes. Toge yearned to wipe them away, but he needed his hands to communicate.
'You told Maki no to lunch. She's absolutely destroying your ass in spars. You can't hold your ground in battle like you used to—like I know you can. You're lagging behind in areas you used to excel at. You hardly ever smile anymore, and when you do it isn't real. It doesn't reach your eyes like it typically does. You've clearly lost weight, and you weren't exactly the bulkiest guy, to begin with. When's the last time you've eaten? You look so tired…so dead…and it's terrifying. Do you understand that? How helplessly terrifying it is to watch your best friend deteriorate from the inside out over something they won't talk to you about? Do you know how anxiety inducing that is? And if you still want to insist that nothing's wrong, I'll have you know even Gojo has noticed something's up.' Toge dared to take a step closer to his breaking down friend. Tears glided freely over Yuuta's cheeks as Toge broke away more and more at the dam he'd built for himself. Toge's amethyst eyes softened with pain at seeing his friend so hurt. He brought a quick hand up to Yuuta's cheek, catching the older off guard. His thumb stroked meaningly over the falling tears, brushing them away despite them being quickly replaced by new ones. Yuuta's mouth was open in quiet shock, clearly trying to find words to say but none came to his lips.
Slowly retracting his hand, Toge began to sign again. 'You've been shutting me out,' a certain sadness carried into his signs, one that was unmistakable, even in Yuuta's cloudy vision. 'I want to help. More than words can describe. More than I could sign or say. But I can't unless you talk to me about what's going on. So please…please, talk to me.'
If Yuuta was crying before, he was sobbing now. Heaving, ugly, and ragged breaths tore at his throat as tears cascaded impossibly fast down his cheeks. "I'm…sorry," he managed to utter out in between his broken breaths. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry…I'm so so sorry."
His words, now that Toge was getting them, felt like a burning fire. Like Toge's heart had been doused in gasoline and Yuuta's words were igniting it with every utterance. It hurt to see the older boy so broken down. But this…this was the breaking point they'd needed.
Yuuta wrapped his arms around his midsection tightly, sinking to his knees as the tears kept coming and sobs wracked through his body painfully. Toge met him there, level on the floor, hands scrambling to touch any place on Yuuta's body to reassure the ravenette that he wasn't alone, and he wouldn't be ever again. Toge was here now, and he would listen and stay for as long Yuuta needed.
A thumb found the bottom of Yuuta's chin and directed the teary ocean eyes to concerned amethyst ones. Their eyes bore into each other's, searching for words that couldn't be said, but it wasn't long before Yuuta broke. "I…I don't know what's going on," he admitted through his sobs, each word sounding heavier than the last. "I was fine, I was fine, and suddenly I just…wasn't. I was just r-reminded of all of those people I've inadvertently hurt, and I just…wh-what if I accidentally hurt Maki or Panda or…God forbid y-you?" Yuuta shook his head quickly, so quickly that Toge thought he might hurt himself. Careful hands gripped gently at Yuuta's soft wrists, thumbs running gingerly over skin that Toge noted was scarred. "I couldn't live with myself, Toge, I-I couldn't. I'm not worth all of this trouble…this risk. I'm not worth all of us having to step on eggshells just to be certain I don't curse everyone. This isn't a-anyone else's problem b-but mine. Honestly, it would be e-easier for all of you if I j-just disappeared."
The grip on Yuuta's wrists tightened significantly, to the point where the surrounding skin had begun to turn white. Yuuta gave a small yelp at the discomfort but overall kept quiet as he stared at the now unreadable face of Toge. The cursed speech user's eyes were wide, teeth grit together in a way that looked painful. Tears of his own lined his sclera, threatening to pool out at any time.
He couldn't let Yuuta think like this.
"Yuuta."
The aforementioned boy sucked in a shocked and sharp breath.
Pale pink lips came closer to Yuuta's face as if they hadn't been close enough before. They loomed dangerously in front of Yuuta's eyes, a thousand words wanting to be expressed by them, but only a limited amount being acceptable.
Toge just had to choose his words right.
Unclasping one of his hands from around Yuuta's wrist, Toge lifted a pale hand to bury itself in greasy and ratted black hair, stroking the otherwise soft locks with care and meaning. His eyes held a look of understanding that he could tell Yuuta didn't like, but that was part of his own curse.
Toge took in a deep breath. "You're worth…more than you know."
Simple yet meaningful, no ulterior possibilities that could manifest themselves into a backlashing curse.
Enough to get the message across.
More tears welled their way into Yuuta's eyes from Toge's words. Simple yet enough. Few yet expressing more than an entire novel could.
Yuuta looked as though he was at a loss for words while Toge had only a million others to get off his lips. It was cruelly unfair, but such was life the blonde supposed. Regardless, Toge's thumb absentmindedly stroked at the wrist that remained in his grip, ready to reassure Yuuta more if needed. Though, he was certain he would. Afterall, there was only so much a single sentence could do to ward off thoughts such as these.
Yuuta sniffled loudly, though it was a poor rival to the rain that pelted his window, a faint thunder following. "I-I…" He gulped. "R-Really?"
A breathy laugh devoid of humor passed through Toge's lips. "Shake," he confirmed, slowly and grudgingly releasing his grip from both Yuuta's wrist and hair. 'I wouldn't risk using words to get a concept through your head if you weren't worth the world to me and more,' he started out boldly, a faint rise of color beginning to dust his pale cheeks. 'I get it, trust me. Maybe more than anyone else on campus. Inadvertently hurting—killing—others? It's torture trying to live with that. Having your mind poisoned with guilt and shame and…thoughts that everything would be better if you just didn't exist,' God, Toge knew the feeling all too well. A shaky breath passed through his lips, willing his own set of tears to not fall. 'It's called a curse for a reason. It's way easier said than done, I know, but there comes a point where you have to differentiate yourself from your curse.'
Toge brushed Yuuta's bangs out of the older's face, a sympathetic smile painting itself across his own lips. Yuuta's own cheeks were slightly redder than before, yet Toge couldn't tell if that was from his crying session that was still ongoing…or perhaps because of something else.
Toge resumed. 'Your curse caused those accidents. Not you. You're much too sweet to ever wish something so horrid onto others, even after they've wronged you. Your curse acted of its own will. You did nothing wrong. If anything, meeting you has been…' Toge's hands fumbled a bit, the warmth in his cheeks rising significantly. He gulped. '...it's been the highlight of my year…the highlight of my life, really,' he let out another breathy laugh, however, this one held a special something that made Yuuta's eyes widen. 'You're such a dork,' the laugh that broke through Toge's mouth illuminated the room and bathed it in a warm aura. 'When you're excited about something, we all know it. You go on tangents kilometers long and not once do you stutter on your words. You're so confident and descriptive, and I could listen to you for hours. You could make even the dullest of topics sound interesting. And your kindness seems to know no limits. You always go above and beyond to help others, even if it means sacrificing your own needs. It's a double-edged sword, and I really wish you'd start taking care of yourself better,' he punctuated the thought with a gentle swat to Yuuta's forehead, ignoring the whiny "Hey!" that came from the older teen, 'but I think it's sweet that you care so much for others.
'Don't get me started on your determination,' if Toge was swooning a bit in the darkness of Yuuta's room, he couldn't blame himself. 'You hate staying at one level. You're never content, not when you know you can do better. You always push yourself and never back down. You're resourceful, smart, attentive, if not slightly oblivious,' Toge laughed outright at the insulted growl he elicited from the larger boy. 'You're you. And there isn't a single thing about you that I'd change. And if all of this has simply been a demo of what living a full life with you in it has entailed, I'd hate…no, I'd be absolutely devastated if that was all stripped away because you were under the assumption life would be better without you in it. Because life is so much better with you in it. Please…Please don't take that away. Please stay with us…with me. Please don't shut me out again.'
Toge wasn't sure what compelled Yuuta to have the surge of confidence he did. Whether it was from the high of Toge speaking his praises out loud or because a major weight had been lifted from the ravenette's chest, before he'd known it, a pair of lips was clashing softly yet passionately with his own. It was salty, Toge noted in his shocked mind, probably from the few tears that still slid down Yuuta's cheeks, and a bit clumsy due to inexperience, but if this wasn't everything Toge had dreamed of and then some he'd have been crazy.
It took Toge a moment, but eventually, he began to kiss back with more fervor than Yuuta had. He wanted to convey so much in the simple action, more than he could express with his own voice, how loved and wanted the older boy was. Their teeth clashed awkwardly, and their noses were smooshed side by side uncomfortably, but Toge didn't want to move away. Instead, he moved to deepen it, hands resting on Yuuta's shoulder blades to lightly push the older boy closer, if that was even possible. The night had been chaotic and unsure, but out of everything that had happened, this was something that felt undoubtedly right.
As if Yuuta had come to his senses of what he'd initiated, the ravenette pulled back suddenly and surprisedly, a hand clapping tightly and loudly over his mouth, eyes wide and pupils the size of pinpricks from the shock of it all. "I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to! I-I don't know what came over me, honest! I just…I th-thought I was reading the signs right, and I probably wasn't! That's always been something you were g-good at doing, n-not me. You probably don't l-like me like that, I just-"
"Takana."
Yuuta's rambling stopped at once, but his eyes stayed wide. "Wh-What?"
"Takana," Toge said sharper, leaving little room for debate over his meaning.
Yet still, ever the over-thinker that he was, Yuuta still had to question Toge's words. "A-Are you-"
"Do it again."
All thoughts left Yuuta's mind as the ravenette felt the cursed energy wrap around him and compel himself towards Toge's lips once more. This time, their lips moved more in sync, and their faces weren't as smushed together as they had been previously. For a brief moment, Toge worried himself over the fact that he'd practically forced Yuuta into another kiss, but as he felt the cursed energy wear off and noticed Yuuta obliging the kiss at his own will and pace he began to relax.
The energy around them buzzed endlessly through their skulls and helplessly into the open air. A special grade and semi-grade one was dangerously enticing in all of the right ways, leaving the air around them jolted with electricity that went practically unmatched. And the energy they swapped between themselves was all the more intoxicating. Neither wanted to leave the safe space they'd created for themselves that was so filled with certainty, love, and passion. They'd both been foolishly pining for something they'd deemed unobtainable for themselves but had in reality been just within arms reach.
They only broke away—and even then, it had been grudgingly—when the need for air arose, and even then, a shiver ran up Toge's spine as he watched the older relish the kiss for a moment longer, eyes staying closed and only opening after a silent beat.
All of their emotions were summarized by Yuuta's single elegant word.
"Wow."
Wow indeed.
"Shake," Toge agreed breathlessly.
They sat in brief silence, both coming down from the high of their unexpected kiss before Yuuta began to fidget slightly with the hem of his shirt. "D-Did you mean that?" He paused, thinking over the words and actions they'd shared. "A-All of that?"
"Shake," Toge nodded earnestly. With every fiber of my being.
Yuuta sat there wordless, eyes downcast to the floor, only after a minute passing allowing slight laughter to permeate the air. "I'm sorry," he apologized needlessly. "I don't know why I get like this sometimes. I mean…I kinda know why, but I just…don't know what to do," he said lamely, one hand moving to grip tightly at the opposite wrist. "These thoughts just…they like to come out of nowhere and tell me that everything would be better off if I was gone…dead," he said the word with such hatred that Toge wanted to wrap his arms around the taller boy and never let go. "It just makes me want to hide away forever. I know if I tried to…kill myself that Rika would just stop me. Sure, that doesn't stop me from trying sometimes, but isolating myself is the only thing I can do successfully," Yuuta shook his head slowly, warding more tears away. "I don't want to die…but I just wish I wasn't such an inconvenience for others. I hate myself for all of the pain I've brought others. And I don't want to make you my next victim."
Toge, filled with nothing but heartache and love for his lost boy, propelled a caring hand forward, cupping Yuuta's warm and pale cheek within his smaller calloused hand. Amethyst eyes locked onto ocean blues with such conviction that Yuuta felt entranced without spoken words. "Okaka. Takana," You're not an inconvenience. You're never an inconvenience. I want you here always and no matter what. With us. With me. "Mentaiko." I'll show you what it's like to love yourself. If you'll let me.
He must've been striking all of the right words.
Yuuta kissed him again.
And again.
And again.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I can't express…
I can't say…
I've never been good at communicating…
Even with your limitations, you seem to outshine me at that…
But thank you for being here…
Thank you for not giving up…
Thank you for staying…
Thank you for loving me.
And Toge caught it all.
At some point, neither were sure exactly when, Toge ended up sitting snugly in Yuuta's lap, breathing in the older's scent, relishing in the older's warmth, taking comfort in the fact that he'd managed to get Yuuta to talk because if he hadn't, well…
Toge didn't want to think about the what ifs.
He wanted to cherish the now he'd been given, nestled safely in the perfect fit of his boyfriend's—boyfriend? Could they say that now?—body against his.
However, the moon that still shone high in the sky outside reminded Toge of the ungodly hour it must've been, and class wasn't something Gojo was going to let them skip out on just because they were tired. Toge clasped gentle fingers around Yuuta's sleeve and tugged. "Takana." As much as I'd love to stay like this, it's getting pretty late.
The declaration snapped Yuuta out of whatever trance-like state he must've been in because he allowed the soft grip he had around Toge's midsection to falter. "Oh, r-right. Sorry, you must be tired."
Toge moved his head to get a better look at the boy behind him. If eyes were the supposed windows to the soul, Yuuta's showed nothing but exhaustion. "Okaka?" And you aren't?
A nervous hand moved to rub at the back of Yuuta's neck, the boy looking anywhere but at Toge. "W-Well," he bit his bottom lip, "I haven't really been able to…sleep either. My thoughts have been keeping me up," The confession made Yuuta deflate slightly as if the dark thoughts were encompassing his mind again. "But it's alright, I've been m-managing."
Toge narrowed his eyes in disbelief. "Mentaiko." If this is your idea of managing, I'd hate to see what failing looks like.
"H-Hey!"
"Sujiko. Okaka." You're my favorite person, but you look like shit.
"So mean!" Yuuta whined, rubbing his eye. "It's not like I don't want to sleep because I really do. I just can't. My feelings just get so suffocating, and it gets to the point where all I can do is think."
Toge looked at Yuuta sympathetically, twisting himself to run a comforting hand against the older's back. He knew prior to this that Yuuta had an insomniatic track record, but he'd never thought about how bad it could get. Especially when Yuuta's mindset wasn't at all bright. "Sujiko," he said softly. I'm sorry.
Yuuta shook his head, moving so Toge could get off of his lap. "It's not your fault," Toge stood from the floor, offering a hand to Yuuta that the ravenette took gratefully. "It just can't be helped."
Toge wasn't used to sitting on the sidelines while someone else suffered. He was used to always being needed and always being useful when the need for help arose.
…
His eyes lit up.
He might not have known how to help Yuuta's overall situation initially, but this was something he had an undeniable cure for.
"Tsuna!" Toge exclaimed excitedly, shocking the still half dead boy from the volume.
"Wh-What?" Yuuta questioned after he recomposed himself.
"Tsuna tsuna!" Toge repeated. I could help!
Yuuta's nose crinkled in confusion. "I appreciate the enthusiasm, but h-how?"
Toge pointed emphatically towards his mouth, sticking his tongue out for show as well. "Sujiko!"
Toge's plan was clear to see; no words were needed to understand just what the younger teen was suggesting. And if Yuuta's heart didn't all but swell at the offer. "You'd…You'd do that for me?"
Toge nodded quickly. "Shake!" Of course, anything for you!
Yuuta's cheeks burned bright for what seemed like the tenth time that night. "You don't…have to."
"Okaka," Toge stated firmly, his hand still clasped around Yuuta's giving a tight and reassuring squeeze. I want to help you.
Yuuta, too encapsulated in Toge's thoughtfulness for words, did the only thing he could think of to show the blonde his gratitude.
He leaned down and encaptured soft, pale pink lips with his own once more.
"Thank you," Yuuta uttered lowly, his lips still lightly pressing against the shorter's lips, but not enough to muffle his words.
"Sh-Shake," Toge responded flusteredly, wondering if Yuuta could hear his heart beating rambunctiously inside his chest.
And hoping with all his heart that Yuuta couldn't.
Yuuta moved towards his bed, albeit a bit awkwardly. It felt weird trying to relax when there was someone else in his room, but the fact that it was Toge—Toge, just Toge. His safe place—made it feel alright. Toge sat by Yuuta's bedside, ready to give the literal magic words the moment Yuuta gave the ok before being able to retreat to his own room to drift off into the peaceful oblivion that was sleep.
But there was a certain look in Yuuta's eyes…a silent pleading that showed Toge there was something the older wanted to say but was unsure of.
Toge was done with the secrets.
"Tsuna tsuna," Toge said, gaining Yuuta's attention quickly. Toge's hands moved in front of him, ready with signs. 'No more secrets,' he signed firmly, his own eyes desperate for reciprocation. 'No more shutting me out. I want you to come to me, no matter what. Whether your problem is big or little, physical or mental, ridiculous or not. I'd rather be there for you and help you than something happen. So…if you have something now you want to say, please do.'
If there was anything Toge prided himself on, it was his observantness.
Yuuta's nervousness, his timidness about whatever he wanted to ask, seemed to melt away then and there from Toge's heartfelt words. With big eyes and a small voice, Yuuta spoke. "Stay?"
Who was Toge to deny Yuuta a request such as that?
The blonde didn't speak. He simply moved from his seated position on the bed to lie parallel to his boyfriend—they could definitely say that now. Toge immediately intertwined their legs and wrapped his eager arms around Yuuta's midsection, laughing to himself at the yelp of surprise Yuuta let out. Toge snuggled his head into the crook of Yuuta's neck, breathing in deeply and exhaling slowly, taking in the moment for what it was. Despite the circumstances it took for them to get there, the stubbornness on Toge's part, and the self-isolation on Yuuta's, Toge couldn't be happier that it ended with them here, basking in each other's presence.
With Toge successfully big spooning Yuuta, the blonde spoke. "Takana?" Ready?
Yuuta let out a gentle hum, taking a few more seconds to enjoy the moment. "Ready."
With all of the day's events crashing onto them, Toge allowed himself to feel heavy against the older boy. After going through an entire month anxiously and blindly, Toge finally felt content, even though he was aware that this didn't fix everything. Bad days would still plague Yuuta, would plague them both, but at least now he knew what was going on, and now he knew how to help. How to stay off of the sidelines and make Yuuta feel more sure in himself, even if just slightly. With all of that knowledge, Toge allowed his eyes to fall and spoke.
"Sleep."