On Her Own Terms
A little something dedicated to the Carol fans especially the ladies of the Carolution. Big shout out to Ramblin Rose for the beta and to Mary (you know who you are) for reasons she'll understand when and if she reads this.
It had been a long two years, rebuilding the communities, finding new allies, working to repair strained friendships and finding her place again in this ever changing world. She had rebuilt herself so many times before, but this time? This time it was for herself. She took all the best parts of her past selves to create the person she wanted to be. After all this time, she was ready.
She'd be a liar if she didn't admit, at least to herself, that the excitement of her upcoming journey had her anxious to get on the road. New people, new places, new adventures.. a new 'Carol'. She was leaving behind everything she knew and she couldn't wait.
Her wagon was packed, far more than what she thought she would need, but she understood the others wanted to make sure she had everything. Looking over the rough wood sides and seeing the little messages from the members of the community reminded her she was taking a part of them with her. Hand prints from the kids, the carvings and well wishes. The flower….
The goodbyes were harder than she thought they would be. Despite what some thought, she still desperately loved these people, her family. Knowing she would probably never see them again ripped at her heart but not enough for her to change her mind.
"Aunt Carol, do you have to go?" Judith had grown into a remarkable young lady. At 12 she looked more and more like Lori every day yet carried herself in a way that would have made Rick and Michonne proud. RJ standing next to his sister, dwarfed by the hat that had passed to him, sad eyed and quivering lip, threw his arms around Carol.
She hugged them whispering to Jude to remember her lessons, to take good care of her brother. To RJ she reminded him to listen to his sister and to keep growing. A final "I love you" shared between the three before she moved to the next person.
This goodbye was easier, they had been saying goodbye since…. they had shared much together over the years even if most of it was a fantasy. He had given her what she needed at the time, respect, affection, a purpose, family. The Henry shaped hole between them had never closed. Her one regret was she hadn't loved him like he wanted but she had loved him in the only way she could. He didn't speak, surprising from a man that spoke more than any she had known before, yet she understood what he was saying as he held her one last time. As they separated, he casted his eyes about and found who he was looking for. He had found love again and she was happy for him. She smiled as he walked over to his new wife and took her hand.
Kelly and Connie were next, fingers flying as they took turns saying their goodbyes. The ever present notebook and pencil on hand if it was needed. When they had found Connie, battered but resilient along with a new friend in Virgil, Carol had sobbed as she apologized over and over for what had happened. Connie had brushed her apologies aside and wrapped her arms around Carol, once again showing her compassion. A note was slipped into Carol's hand accompanied by a curious looked from Connie. Carol glanced at the note looking up and shook her head. Connie nodded in understanding, longing to say more but knew it was pointless. Kelly signing the word she used for Carol "Lone Wolf" and reminded her of her "Super Power". She'd miss them but knew if anyone could beat this world, it was these two.
Aaron held back for all of 30 seconds before he crushed her in a hug, words rushing out. "Be safe" "Don't' go" "What about…" she cut him off before he could finish, asking him to watch over their people, to keep them safe. He had changed so much from the young man they had first met, Eric by his side but there was a part of her that could see shades of Glenn in his kindness and big heart. She hoped he found someone because he deserved all the love he could get.
Lydia had offered to go with her as a friend, reminding her once again she wasn't looking for a "mother" but still there were moments when Carol almost wondered. Carol knew Lydia had a life here, something she never had with her bitch of a birth mother. Carol had been tempted to bring her along, but didn't want to take her away from the first real family she had ever had. Another question, another shake of her head. Lydia reminded her there was something special on the wagon, a gift to remind her of how much she meant to the girl.
Jerry was the hardest goodbye besides the kids. His family circled her, hands and arms brushing against Carol before Jerry engulfed her. His eyes should never hold that much pain. He had been a constant source of support over the years and Carol adored him. There was an untapped depth of wisdom to Jerry that Carol had slowly worked on bringing to the surface. They talked the night before in private, reliving the good times and the bad, sharing stories they hadn't shared before. At this last parting, she tapped his chest over his heart, a reminder to share his truths not just parroting what he had heard from Ezekiel. He wiped his eyes, giving her one last hug and moved away.
She looked around at the others waved to a few, nodded to Gabriel, Rosita and Coco before she turned and walked to the wagon. Jerry and Aaron were there to offer her help up, not that she needed it but they needed to do this for her.
She waved again and clicked the reins.
Her first stop would be the remains of Hilltop, wanting to say goodbye to Glenn.
She knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to face the last member of her group before her journey truly began and she dreaded it.
He was waiting half way to hilltop, dog at his side, angry, betrayal and desperation on his face. She pulled on the reins slowing the horses as the wagon moved even with him.
"You running?" He growled out at her.
"No" was all she said.
She could tell he wanted her to get down and talk to him but she didn't want to.
"Would you just talk to me damn it?!"
"What's there to say, Daryl?"
"We were supposed to go together!" He dropped his bag and began to pace, angry frustrated strides kicking up puffs of dirt.
"Yeah, we were supposed to go together before you decided that I was wrong for wanting to end Alpha, before you practically wanted me to beg for forgiveness for the rest of my sorry life, before you treated me like what I did was so much worse than the things you, Rick or anyone else had done. You want revenge and its fine, people die because of YOUR actions and everyone forgives you." Her voice rising as she let lose all that she had held in over the years. "You were always to busy with something else , busy playing the hero to think about me or what I needed. I've waited long enough for you to get your head out of your ass. Go live your life, waiting on the crumbs from others. I'm done."
She hopped off the wagon, stepping up to him. Fury radiating off her as she looked at him. All the questions she had been asked had been about this man and why she was leaving "HIM" behind. It was something when Ezekiel brought it up to her, knowing he still harbored feeling of jealousy about this man. The kids didn't understand he wasn't going with her and she hoped they would never know it was anything other than Daryl wanting to stay back to care for them. Aaron and especially Jerry had an idea, having seen their relationship diminish over the years, never quite getting back to where it was before. Connie and Kelly had assumed they'd leave together, Connie's note asking her if she had changed her mind about leaving him.
At one time, he had been everything to her. Her best friend, her protector, the keeper of her heart. Looking at him, hair hiding his face, his eyes burring into her, she remembered all they had shared and felt that pull. She was tired. Tired of fighting with him and for him. Tired of the judgement when she didn't live up to his double standard. Tired of waiting for her turn to be the most important thing to him. Tired of walking on egg shells around him.
"That why your leaving me?" The words whispered as he hung his head.
"I told you I'm not running. I'm taking my life back, making it my own. I've done my time living my life for others, it's time for me to live for me." Her voice matching his. She couldn't quite keep the heartbreak at bay, but she had made her choice.
"Let me come with you, please?"
"Daryl….."
"I want to come with you, it's been me and you since the farm. I don't want to do this without you." His voice cracking as he spoke.
"It hasn't been 'me and you" for a long time. Our time… it's passed." She could see he knew she was right. When the words would have mattered, he never shared them. Truth is, she hadn't either. Maybe they figured they'd have those talks 'someday' but someday just never seem to come for them. Mostly she thought if she gave him enough time they could have those talks.
"Can we at least camp for the night? Maybe…?" Still hoping he could change her mind.
"You need to get back to Alexandria and I've got a stop to make. You should head back now."
He shook his head, eyes pleading with her. She saw his hands twitch. Fingers itching to reach for her. She turned and climbed back on the wagon considering the conversation over.
"Daryl go live your life, find some happiness." She reached for the reins ready to move on.
"I love…." His barely there words lost on the wind.
"I know.." she replied as she clicked her tongue at the horses to get them moving. She did know. She knew he loved her but she also knew it would never be enough for him. He wanted the praise from the community, she just wanted away.
Hearing him call her name, the part of her that would always be his reared up wanting her to…. She didn't look back as the wagon slowly made its way down the road, knew her resolve e would crack if she did.
She traveled a few miles, tears streaking down her cheeks. Hoping this would be the last time she cried for this man.
She heard a snuffling in the back of the wagon, something was moving under the blankets. She pulled back, stopping the horses as she reached for her knife. Swiveling in her seat, she raised her arm and grasped the blanket. Whipping it aside, she gazed into the sweet brown eyes of Dog.
Tail wagging, he jumped into the seat next to her and licked her face.
She wondered how Dog got into her wagon. Did he jump in? Was he a parting gift? A plant to return to the community and drop him off? Regardless of why he was with her, she would take him with her.
"Ok you little shit, let's go see what's out there."
She was ready for this journey and all those new experiences that were waiting out there for both of them. it was time for her to live her life on her own terms.