Hi guys, long time no update. Instead of a longish apology I'll just leave you to read the new chapter. Feel free to leave feedback :D
After That Night
The morning after her encounter with the Myst- Jax, she recalls, his name was Jax- Tara feels like utter shit. She can barely open her eyes let alone get out the bed, bad as she needs to use the bathroom. Her body is sore, her head pounding, her face and neck tingling for some weird reason... until she remembers his fervent kisses and the way his scruff chafed along her jaw and down, way down. Yawning, she presses on her temples with her fingers, feeling like her head is going to explode.
She didn't get drunk last night, that much she knows for sure. A drink, maybe two and that's it. The rest of the night though... It's wrapped up in a neat blurry blanket of her mind she can't quite unwrap. Not yet at least.
So, pushing her feet inside her plushie slippers, Tara grudgingly steps out of the comfort of her warm bed and heads to the bathroom, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. The chill of her apartment sends goosebumps along her skin, reminding her she should really call the super again and finally make him fix the damn heater.
Once in the bathroom, she realises she didn't even change into her pyjamas last night, having only stripped out of her dress, sleeping in her underwear. She shrugs, giving her head a shake. As she starts taking of what little she has on, she pauses as she catches herself in the mirror.
There are hickeys, purplish fucking hickeys on her shoulders, along her clavicle, the side of her neck. The skin of her face and neck is red and sensitive from, no doubt, his scruff. The feeling of it the second she woke up was one thing. Seeing it now, like this, spread along her skin... It disturbs her.
Not necessarily in a bad way. It's just...
She's not used to hooking up. Not at all. And yet she did hook up with a guy last night, one that blew her mind and at least for a little way chased her demons away. As she leans on the sink, she regards her face, wanting, needing to see if that made any difference. If she can see any changes on herself. Tara almost prays that she can because aside from physical remnants of their encounter, she can't quite recollect how it all went. Her thoughts are in complete disarray, she has to force herself to concentrate.
Closing her eyes, she stills for a moment, focuses on the one thread of it all still clinging to the stupor.
The warmth of his body against hers amidst all the noise and heat of the club. The rest of flashes come in succession and her knees buckle that Tara has to grip the sink just to prevent herself from falling flat on her ass.
His fingers kneading her flesh.
Her fingers tangled in his soft blond hair.
His tongue licking its way down her jawline.
Hot. Sweaty. Feral.
The words he whispered in her ear as he thrust into her.
His lips, mere inches away from her and the tangling of their ragged breaths.
The fast beating of his heart under her palm.
That look in his eyes she became all too acquainted with in the short time they spent together.
The onslaught of memories is almost too much for her that she has to shake her head again to return to reality. Her bathroom, and not that nightclub, not that little corner where they shared whatever that was between them.
Get a grip, Tara tells herself, get a grip.
Continuing what she had began earlier, she takes off her panties and steps into the shower, letting the tepid water wash away all the reminders of last night – she scrubs ferociously at her thighs and between them, her face, anywhere and everywhere he touched her. There can't be anything left of him on her. She works methodically, keeping her thoughts at bay. The water is almost freezing cold by the time she's finished, feeling exhausted.
It might be her guilt or shame working its way through her, the thrill of her first sexcapade slowly draining form her body.
She wraps herself in her fluffy navy blue bathrobe and when she goes back to her room, Tara makes a quick way around it, gathering up clothes from the drawers and dressing, then trying to figure out a plan for the day.
She's due to work later in the evening, so there's nothing pressing she needs to do right now. There's nobody needing her for that matter. And suddenly, a sense of emptiness joins all other emotions that'd been assaulting her recently.
At least at work, her mind would be occupied with something else, she would have something to do. Sitting around, lounging all day is not an option, she decides. Not with the image of Jax's face pressed up against her, his fingers inside her, those eyes that told her plenty even if he himself spoke nothing.
She decides to go for a walk to clear her head. Tara's just locking up her apartment when Wendy shows up, climbing up the stairs, holding Lizzy by the hand as the child lifts her feet carefully onto each stair. Wendy casts her a wide smile when she notices her and Lizzy lets out a loud shrill as she struggles to let go of her mother's grasp and attempts to run towards Tara.
"Tawa, Tawa!" Lizzy yells and Tara turns around, crouching to catch her in her arms. Lizzy giggles into her neck and Tara chuckles, hugging her tightly.
"Hey sweetheart. Long time no see. What have you been up to, ha?"
"Momma, my doll!" the girl stretches her arms towards Wendy to give her her new doll, wanting to show it to her friend.
"Hey, Tara," Wendy huffs once she reaches them, handing Lizzy her doll and placing her shopping bags next to her apartment door. "No offence, but you look like shit. What's up with you, girl?"
Tara gulps, the little smile she sported for Lizzy disappearing, obviously caught off guard.
Usually she's really good at avoiding her neighbours, especially the Case family. Not because she doesn't like them but because Wendy is always so perceptive and Juan Carlos is so friendly, willing to help around her apartment whenever she needs it (since their super is a piece of shit who never bothers to show up when called) that Tara finds it hard to act around them the same way she acts around other people – closed off, cold, guarded. There's lightness in the couple, in the way they love and support each other, the way they managed to wiggle their way into her empty and boring life with this little princess she's holding in her arms, the way they...
In the way they care and worry about her, more than anyone before ever did, she feels. It's the reason she assiduously tries to hide all this negativity from them, this burden she carries around with her that suffocates her daily.
"Nothing. I just had a bad night out. Think I drank too much," she say eventually. Partial truth is better than a full-blown lie, right?
"Oh sweetie, thank god you got out of that apartment. I was really starting to get worried about you. Did you at least have a good time?"
Tara can feel blush creeping up her cheeks and or a moment she feels embarrassed. It's not like Wendy guessed what exactly happened, but something in the way she asked makes Tara think Wendy was indeed hinting at possible sexual encounters, and that only her daughter's presence kept her from asking it explicitly.
Tara tells her the truth this time, actual truth she wasn't able to admit herself this morning, "Yep. A really good time."
Wendy's grin is so damn wide and there's a spark of curiosity in her eyes, "I wanna hear all about it tonight!"
"I can't. I'm working the night shift," is Tara's lame attempt at extracting herself from Wendy's undoubtedly through interrogation. However, the woman is relentless, god bless her, so she manages to goad Tara into having a girls' night as soon as Tara gets a few sys off..
"I want details, girl and I'm not taking no for an answer. I'm bringing wine, you can get us some snacks."
Shaking her head, attempting to hide a smile, Tara agrees before saying goodbye to the mother and daughter and heading outside.
# # # # # #
What happened between Jax and her haunts Tara well into the next week so much so that her colleagues start noticing her absentminded expression and behaviour. Spencer, of course, is the first one to actually address this.
They are sitting in the cafeteria, taking advantage of the meagre half hour they have to eat some haphazardly assembled sandwich that's more bread than anything else. The cafeteria is relatively empty and it occurs to her how utterly bleak it looks devoid of people and the usual chatter, ringing, and clatter of dishes.
Tara feels Spencer's eyes on her as she focuses on crumbs falling off her sandwich, pointedly ignoring him.
"So-" he starts, clearing his throat, "you finally gonna tell me what's been going on with you lately?"
Shrugging, Tara continues munching, without any indication she will answer his question. Spencer sighs, resting his elbows on the table. She can imagine the look on his face – pure exasperation. She can't blame him; they've been friends for years and yet, Tara's never been the sharing type, much to Spencer's dismay. She wants to let him in, she really does. It's hard, though, trusting people that much to let them in on her life, her emotions.
"I should just stop asking you anything altogether," he says, irritated, and starts gathering up his things.
"I had a one night stand with a guy," she blurts out, covering her face with her hands to hide it.
Spencer is quiet for a few moments, doesn't say anything and Tara thinks he must think she's crazy, making such a big fuss about such a stupid thing.
"That's it? There's nothing else?"
"Yeah, that's that."
He rolls his eyes as he sits again and sighs heavily before he starts yelling "God, Tara! I thought you were dying or something. What the fuck?"
Now she feels guilty for acting the way she did, for unnecessarily scaring him when it's not even that big of a deal. She reaches out to seize his hand, giving it a firm squeeze, biting her lip.
"Sorry, Spence. I just... I'm having a hard time dealing with this," and it's the fucking understatement of the year. She debates whether she should tell him just how many times she got sick thinking about it and spent more than half an hour sitting on cold tiles of her bathroom, crying.
"Why?" he asks, and for a second she thinks he's asking her why she cried before she realises she didn't actually utter those thoughts. He was referring to not dealing well with it. Spencer continues, "It's not like you did something wrong. Was it consensual?
Tara nods, clearing her throat, "Yeah. Actually I sought him out. It's kind of weird and messy. I just..."
She can't articulate the thoughts that have been plaguing her all this time. Everything is jumbled, her emotions included.
"I've seen you wallowing over this thing for a week now," Spencer says, arching his brow at her. "Come, on spill it out. What's the problem?"
What is the problem? The problem is there is no problem. She fucked with some guy, had a good time then ran away from him like her ass was on fire.
She settles for "I've never done something like this before," her voice almost a whisper, like she is ashamed.
"You didn't like it?" Spencer inquires after he unpacks the rest of his sandwich and resumes eating it.
"No, I did, I really did. He was... it was great. But I feel... guilty."
There, she said it, finally.
"Why? You have to know why you feel that way."
Damn you, Spencer, she thinks, and your perpetual need to get to the bottom of things.
Taking a few minutes to collect her thoughts and feelings, since they're really discussing this seriously, she answers "I keep thinking about it. I think it's mostly because it was a stranger, you know? Someone I have never met before. It was... bizarre, a bit dangerous. And so thrilling, to be honest." And mind-blowingly amazing, but she won't tell him that.
Spencer smiles, motioning with his hands, "Ok. Good. What else's bothering you?"
Tara fidgets in her seat, plays with a strand of her hair, taps with her finger against the table before she eventually confesses, "I'm just so tired, Spence," and with that, she's finally acknowledging her struggle. "This job... it's taking so much from me. Sometimes honestly I think I'm losing my mind."
Spencer gets up from his chair and instead sits in the one next to her. He wraps his arm around her shoulders pulling her closer, their heads leaned against each other.
"I get that, Tara. We've all been through this phase. Hell, we are all going through it all the time. It's never easy to lose a patient, to constantly question if you could have done something differently to save them. The only thing you can do is go forward, learn from any mistakes you might have made and do better the next time. And for god's sake, don't shut people out."
"Thanks," she replies sniffing, and hugs Spencer. Sometimes it is so easy to forget there is someone caring for you even when all you do is alienate them, she realises.
Spencer bumps her shoulder with his, deciding to continue his questioning, "So, this guy, that night... was it to blow off steam or?"
Tara nods, "Yeah, basically. But it felt more than just sex. I can't really explain it."
"Maybe cause you haven't been getting any lately," Spencer jokes and they both laugh. It's a short, welcoming distraction from the gravity of their conversation.
"Shush, you idiot. I'm being serious. I think that scared me."
Spencer frowns, "He scared you or?"
"No, not him exactly," she replies, thinking a little about what to say next. She continues by saying, "more like, the situation, that moment was what scared me. Like it was sex, but not just sex. Amidst all of that, there was something else."
"Have you seen this guy after that night?"
Tara shrugs, averting his gaze, "No, I've been kind of avoiding going out, like completely. I became paranoid I'll bump into him on the street."
She still remembers vividly when she almost bumped into him in that store, how she freaked out.
"Would that be bad? From what I've gathered, he doesn't seem like some creep."
"Well, I did kind of run away from him after we did it," she says, sounding apologetic as she pulls away from him slightly, preparing for his reaction.
And Spencer delivers it, crying bloody murder, "Excuse me? You did what?"
Tara exhales loudly before answering, "After we did the deed, I panicked and basically run away. I just up and left."
Eyes wide, mouth agape, Spencer is rendered speechless "Wow."
Tara nods in further confirmation, "Yeah. So you can imagine why I've been anxious."
"Not cool, Tara. Not cool at all. Especially if you think there was a connection between you guys."
"I know. What do you think I should do?" she sounds defeated.
"Ugh, I don't know. Do you want to see him again?" Spencer asks her and she's frozen for a moment.
Things seemed so complicated to her before this conversation, which is why she acted like a damn fool. Now though...Certain things became clearer, including any possible future encounter with Jax, which is why she answers as truthfully as she can.
"Maybe. He seemed like a decent guy. But I've been out of touch with myself and people in general lately, I have no idea how to approach him without making an ass of myself."
Spencer quirks his eyebrows, chewing on a fry, "You did solicit him."
"Shut up!" Tara shoves him playfully, "That was the brave Tara. I had to psych myself to go to that club that night."
"So? Do the same again. You can't shut yourself up in that apartment of yours forever. It'll do you good to be around people. Go to that club. Even if he's not there, try and enjoy yourself. Relax. Have a few drinks. Your job can't be everything you have."
The way Spencer tells it, everything seems so easy. Except, it isn't. Not for her. When she thinks about it though, really thinks about it, maybe going out of her comfort zone would do her good; it is challenging, but Tara Knowles was never a coward.
"You're right. You're so right."
"I know. Spencer the wise."
Tara hugs him tightly, "You really are, Spence."
"And don't scare me like that ever again," Spencer admonishes.
"Promise."