Chapter 6: Hermione Gets Locked in a Broom Closet

"It's not f-fair!"

The sobbing girl let out a whining keen, and Hermione had to stop herself from cringing.

"I was supposed to be his Mary Myerscough!"

Hermione ignored the popular cultural reference she had no way of placing, and mentally cursed every deity she had even remotely heard of for being put in this situation. Locked in a fucking broom closet with a heartbroken, utterly besotted Lilac White.

"Tasteful and sophisticated, and just the thing to bring to a party-"

Good lord, it sounded like she was describing a fine wine, rather than a woman. But perhaps the comparison worked, Hermione thought quite meanly to herself. Something to collect and show off to your mates, but keep behind closed doors until you were good and ready. And in the meantime, sampling what else the world had to offer was fine, after all, it was just a taste…

Fuck, she sounded bitter.

But she had drudged up enough compassion to keep her trap shut, and she mentally patted herself on the back for the effort. After all, she, too, had been slighted by the vastly less observant sex of their species.

"Why? Why doesn't he like me? Do you know Granger? Since everyone says you're so effing smart?"

Wow. That was probably the closest the girl had ever come to using profanity. She must be very upset. Unfortunately, Hermione was not feeling generous enough to attempt to console the uppity rich girl's fragile ego. It was her fucking fault they were trapped here in the first place.

And then the girl had the gall to kick her. "Well, Granger? Finally decided to shut up now that Tom isn't around to flirt with?"

Hermione couldn't stop the aggravated sigh. "I really don't want to be here right now."

It was as close to an admission as she was willing to concede to.

Lilac snorted. "Well, join the club. You are the last person I would ever want to be stuck in a broom closet with. Ever."

Merlin save her from melodramatic teenage girls…

Another sigh. "Am I?"

"Absolutely. You are completely aggravating, all the way from your stupid polished shoes to your bushy curls. How does it even maintain that volume in this humidity?"

How does one politely say, I've been nicking all of your shampoo, and that shite is amazing?

"Cursed since childhood."

Partially true. And, really, the bushiness was definitely something she could have lived without. Girls with straight hair who complained about a lack of curls were obviously ungrateful daft cows. They could do anything with it. Literally anything.

Lilac snickered meanly. "I'm sure it was absolutely impossible when you were younger."

Hermione readily agreed with her, nodding. "Practically sentient."

Based on the silence, Hermione could guess at the dramatically wary look the girl must have right now, not expecting Hermione to agree with her. But at least she finally stopped talking.

Sigh…

Hermione was bored. She hated to be bored. Absolutely hated it. And she had never been the type of person prone to internal mental fantasies. And she had been in this forsaken four by four crowded closet for three hours already. And Lilac had spent at least one hour crying about all of the reasons why her life was completely unbearable at the moment…

However, she was not bored enough to engage Lilac in conversation. She would recite potion instructions if she had to.

Thankfully she never had to resort to that. One of the several dozen deities she implored to must be looking out for her, because the door to the closet suddenly fell forward only fifteen minutes later, and a handsome teenage boy fell into her lap. Although his elbows were rather pointier than she might have imagined if she had ever bothered to fantasize about this particular scenario…

"Well, hello." His attempt at a sultry tone was hilariously pathetic. Hermione felt her lips quirk up in reluctant amusement.

"Hello?"

"I must say, when those fuckers threw me in here, I wasn't expecting to find myself in the arms of such a… lady."

"They what-" was the last thing she got out, before someone laughed cruelly behind them, (Hermione prayed that the similarity to Avery's voice was just a coincidence), and the door slammed shut and locked them in. And the room was plunged into near darkness. Again.

Hermione sighed. There went any delusions she had that this might be an adorable meet cute…

"Do you think you could get off of me? Your elbows are really sharp."

He startled. "Oh, of course."

There was shuffling, and then a moment of awkwardness when he accidentally grabbed one of her breasts to stabilize himself.

But instead of apologizing, like any boy might who possessed even an ounce of self-preservation, he squeezed and stated, loudly, "Oh, nice."

Well, she wasn't about to let something like that pass. Hermione grit her teeth and reached a hand over to find his nose in the dark. And then after she located it, cocked back her fist, pivoted her shoulder, and punched his face. Hard.

He cried out, "Oh, fuck," just as he was knocked backwards into the warm, plushy lap of Lilac White. Who immediately shrieked up a storm about violations to her precious virtue before he could make any kind of sexist comment.

Hermione smiled grimly, finally finding a reason to appreciate the girl beyond her fantastic hair products.

Safe to say, it was a good five minutes before everyone was settled in a way that was, at the very least, partially acceptable (considering the overlapping legs). And then mystery boy decided that they needed to share absolutely everything under the sun with each other. Starting with their names.

"So, ladies? Mind telling me who I am spending time with in this fucking tiny broom closet?"

Hermione knew Lilac wouldn't mind responding, and tried to head her off. Fucking git didn't deserve conversation. "Do I have to?"

"Of course not. But if you don't give me your names, then I will be forced to come up with names for you. And I'm not sure you would enjoy what I might assign."

Hermione scoffed. "I don't care."

But Lilac sounded offended, and Hermione knew it would all go downhill from there. "Lilac White," stated strongly, as if just that information was important enough mean something. Which in her case, it actually might. Hermione frowned as she considered the stupidity and unfairness that was aristocracy.

"I see. Lovely to meet you, Miss Lilac. Apologies for any unintentional contact."

His gentlemanly tone was over-exaggerated enough to be sarcastic, and Hermione fought a smirk. Because once again, the girl demonstrated no ability to pick it up. Instead, she just sniffed dramatically. "It's alright. Granger's the one who is uncouth."

There was a pause, and then, "Granger? As in, Hermione Granger?"

Lilac's voice was smug. "The very one."

But the boy just laughed. "I see. Good to meet you, Granger. And may I just say, bloody fantastic rack."

"What?" Lilac squeaked, offended.

Hermione just snorted, feeling quite vindicated by her earlier violent outburst. "It's the early morning cold-water massages. Works better than a charm."

He sounded absolutely intrigued. "Really?"

Hermione embraced the sarcasm. "Oh, absolutely. Especially when we give them to each other in the shower. No better way to encourage house comradery, really."

His awe was hilarious. "I had no idea…"

"I'm sure there are a lot of things you don't know, Gherkin."

"Gherkin?"

Hermione scoffed. "You didn't give us your name. And we were talking about sizes, so I figured…"

It took him a moment, but she could tell when he got it, because he let out a big groan. And then a laugh. "Don't worry, Granger, my todger is plenty sizable."

Lilac let out another squeak.

Hermione hummed. "Yeah, that's what they all say."

"No, I'm serious. Do you want to feel? Only right after I felt you up."

Hermione did her best to stretch, popping her back quite pleasantly in a few places. "No thank-you, Gherkin."

"It's Elijah. Come on, Granger, don't be mean."

Lilac gasped before she could respond. "Elijah Walker?"

The boy sounded defensive. "What's it to you?"

Lilac's voice was coy. "Oh, nothing…"

"Seriously White…"

But she wouldn't respond, and Elijah eventually changed gears. "So… House and year?"

Lilac snorted delicately. "As if you don't already know…"

"Well, maybe I wanted to talk to Granger."

"Humph. I doubt she's listening."

"Don't be stupid… Granger! Hey Granger, house, year?"

Hermione sniffed, and considered whether or not she should answer. But it couldn't hurt, right? Anything to distract herself from the boredom that was her life without her bookbag- "Seventh year, Gryffindor. But I'm pretty sure you already knew."

Elijah scoffed. "Introductions entail an exchange. Seventh, Hufflepuff. Favorite colour?"

Lilac seemed excited to answer this one. "Teal. Not lilac, thank you very much."

"Granger?"

Hermione let out an aggravated sigh because she was starting to see where this conversation was going, and she wasn't sure if she wanted to stick around for the long haul. So she considered how difficult it would be to hold off participating, and if it would be worth the effort. But after he whined her name a few more times, she capitulated. Because she was hesitant to cast a silencing charm when she couldn't see where he was, and fuck, her last name was annoying when he repeated it like that…

"Purple."

Just not fucking orange, really…

Elijah sounded excited. "Blue-grey! You know the colour clouds get right before a thunderstorm? That fucking colour. So, favorite animal?"

Lilac was the first to respond again. "Unicorns!"

Hermione scoffed at her answer, before saying, "Cats."

"Wolves, actually, they're such fucking majestic creatures… Favorite spell!"

"The Impediment Jinx."

Hermione turned to the girl in surprise. That spell was usually only associated with dueling. "Really? Do you duel?"

The girl let out a very soft, "Quite possibly," and Hermione grinned.

"That's great. We should duel some time."

Hermione hadn't met another girl in this time who was willing to duel her. So she was very curious about the kind of spells Lilac knew, and if her knowledge eclipsed Potter's. But Lilac just hummed noncommittally, and Elijah started to repeat her last name again. It eventually snapped a nerve.

"The Patronus Charm. But I'll answer when I'm good and fucking ready, understand Walker?"

She could tell he was grinning based on the tone of his voice. "Of course, Granger. And might I just say, you're fucking hot when you swear."

Hermione just scoffed. "Aren't you supposed to be a Hufflepuff? I've never met one with a mouth like yours."

Another grin. "I am completely Hufflepuff. I decided equity was the way to go, so decided to be an arsehole to everyone. So that way no one feels left out! It's brilliant!"

"I'm sure."

"Sarcasm is damn sexy too." Hermione could tell that if the room allowed for any more visibility, he would be leering.

And Hermione didn't say anything in response, because she couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't sarcastic, and she didn't want to encourage him. He let out a huff at her silence. "But yeah, the Patronus is fucking brilliant. Can you cast one?"

"Maybe."

Perhaps if she answered everything with one word responses she could avoid both encouraging him and hearing her last name repeated ad nauseam?

"Will you do it now?"

Hermione deliberated for a few long moments, but Lilac interrupted any prolonged consideration. "Come on Granger, I know you want to. Show off that you are."

Hermione frowned, automatically defensive. "I don't show off-"

But she was cut off as Elijah snorted. "Oh, please. I'm in a couple of your classes. I didn't think I would ever meet anyone who was more of a braggart than Riddle, and then you popped into our lives. And I have to say, you are certainly giving him a run for his money."

Hermione decided to take that as a compliment. And relented with a huff. Alright, so she was kind of a show-off… She thought about the evening she first saw Hogwarts and realized that her life really was going to become magical, and then… "Expecto Patronum!"

The light of her otter was bright enough that she could see Lilac smile at the creature spinning circles through the air. Elijah was grinning, and Hermione was once again taken aback by how good-looking he was. She spent a good minute lamenting to herself. Why were all of the attractive men in this world berks?

"Neat trick Granger."

She snorted. "Well, you know. Party-goer that I am, I needed a few parlor tricks up my sleeve, just in case."

"Well, I did hear that Slughorn's little shindig was quite the event thanks to you. Did you do a lot of entertaining?"

Hermione just sighed. That fucking party was determined to haunt her, she was sure of it. Elijah was hardly the first student in the last couple of weeks to 'causally' mention it in conversation. And she was inclined enough not to talk about it to risk participating in the Hufflepuff's exhaustive rendition of 20 questions. "You didn't tell us your favorite spell."

"Ahh, I see what you did there. And I am very curious why the aforementioned showoff is unwilling to brag about something. But because your punch was such a good hit, I'll let you off the hook. Hehe, hook… get it?"

This time, Lilac was the one to let out an aggravated sigh.

But Elijah was not to be dissuaded. "You realize you hit harder than a man, right?"

"The spell, Walker?"

"Oh. Ummm…. Expelliarmus. Dead useful, easy to cast, and it doesn't go super wonky when you add too much power. Usually. So, uh, favorite food?"

These questions continued for the next hour, and by the end of it Hermione was ready to pull out her hair. Why was she still participating? Sure, it wasn't nearly as bad as listening to Lilac blubber about her insecurities, but he was just… like the Weasley twins, she realized, if one of them suddenly became extremely profane and sarcastic.

But then he asked a question that actually got her thinking.

"So what are you guys planning to do after you graduate?"

What a fantastic question.

Lilac, very predictably, outlined a picture-perfect life in which she was married to an attentive, attractive, successful man, who gave her a house with a decent sized kitchen, a rose garden, and at least two babies (with their precious cherub cheeks and pouty lips, oh she couldn't wait….). Hermione was a little more hesitant to answer, simply because she had no idea. She had only made that truce with Riddle a few days ago, and she hadn't had the time to sit down and really think about what she wanted to do. Sure she had done her best to network at the party, but truthfully, most of their interactions with her were denigrating at best, contumely at worst. It wasn't very encouraging.

"I'm not sure."

Elijah sounded surprised. "Are you fucking kidding me, Granger? With your drive? You have no idea?"

Hermione found herself missing the light of the Patronus, if only so Elijah could see the unimpressed look on her face. "I have a lot of options," she ended up huffing defensively.

He snorted. "I can imagine. I heard a rumor you are planning to get all twelve N.E.W.T.S. Which is verifiably insane."

Hermione couldn't stop herself from correcting him. "Eleven. I'm getting eleven N.E.W.T.S."

A pause, and then, "Oh, of course. So much better."

She made an unladylike noise which had Lilac clicking her tongue in disapproval and made Elijah let out a barking laugh.

"But I'm curious. Which one are you leaving out?"

"Divination."

She could tell he was smiling again. "Because it's bullshit? Yeah, I feel you. Did you know that last Valentine's Day this girl from Ravenclaw paid someone to pretend to be a Seer that foresaw the two of us getting married? And then expected me to just run right into that shit? Fucking people, man…"

Hermione snorted. "Better than dosed chocolates, at least."

"Yeah, well… we can get you squared away. Right White?"

Lilac sounded startled to be addressed. "What?"

"We're going to help poor Granger out with her aspiration quandary. So, Granger, what do you spend most of your time doing?"

It didn't take Hermione long to respond. "Research, reading, and writing. And dueling. Although I also like to knit..."

Another smile shaped the words coming out of his mouth. "That's so fucking domestic, Granger. Adorable because you punch like a man. Alright, so you are inclined towards Academia. No surprise there. Do you want to work at the Ministry?"

How does one politely say fuck no? Although it wasn't as if she had a big reason to be polite with Mr. Guttermouth over here… "Fuck no."

"You can't tell right now, Granger, but I'm nodding in approval. A female Muggleborn working at the Ministry? You could be the next coming of Merlin and Morgana, and they still wouldn't give a shite. Have you considered receiving a Mastery?"

"I have. But I can't decide on a subject I'd like to get a Mastery in."

"Are you serious, Granger? Are you just that good in everything?"

He sounded so astonished that Hermione couldn't help but pout defensively. "What did you expect? I spend all of my time studying."

"Right… well, being a Master in something is all about expanding the field. Which subjects do you think you would be most interested doing that in?"

She spent at least three long minutes really thinking about it, and staunchly ignored the sound of Walker fidgeting against the wall impatiently. She finally settled with, "Arithmancy and Potions."

"That's great! You see what a bit of a thought exercise can do for you? Two should be perfectly manageable for you, Granger. And those two even go together!"

"And you think I'll be able to find someone willing to let me have two apprenticeships at the same time?"

He let out one of those really annoying "Eh" noises that was usually accompanied with a shrug. "I would have no idea. But at least it's a start? Unless you are one of the fucking crazy obsessive compulsive birds that like to plan out every contingency plan you can think of in color-coded notebooks?"

Hermione fake gasped. "How did you know?" Only because he was absolutely ridiculous, and perhaps a little right…

Elijah let out a sagely sigh. "What can I say, Granger, I am very wise in the ways of the world. And I couldn't help but notice that you have a type."

Hermione was slightly less amused. "A type?"

"Yeah… you seem kind of strung out. Or, I don't know…wired? Tense with the need to always be in control? Fuck, there isn't a nicer way to say this…"

"And where would you get that idea?"

"Um, your actions? Your behavior? The way you present yourself? Is this a trick question?"

Hermione let out another aggravated sigh. She knew what he was talking about, and she didn't really want to talk about it. "You're annoying."

Elijah responded with way too much cheer, in Hermione's opinion. "Thank you! You know, I pride myself in being irritating enough to break people. I like to think I have it perfected into an art form…"

Hermione ignored him long enough that he eventually changed the subject. "Alright, alright, so you have some built up immunity to irritation… so what else do you want to accomplish in your life? Husband, kids? Publications? Order of Merlin? Minister of Magic?"

Hermione had to laugh at that last suggestion. "You seem to think I'm ambitious."

He snorted. "Oh, not at all. Because aspiring to get eleven N.E.W.T.S. is clearly a sign of laziness and a lack of motivation…"

Hermione couldn't help the smile. "I suppose… a couple of kids might be nice. And if I do go into research, I fully intend to be publicized. And perhaps be invited to speak and present at magical conferences? Perhaps one day teach?"

Another over-exaggerated sage voice, and she could imagine him nodding solemnly, "Clearly the temperament of an academic."

Hermione smiled again. "Yes, well… what do you intend to do in the future?"

"Me? Well, actually… I want to be a chef." He sounded almost embarrassed to admit it.

Although by the way Lilac was giggling derisively at the admission, perhaps it was cause for embarrassment in this time and place?

"Can you cook?"

Another snort. "Would I want to be a chef if I couldn't?"

Probably not? But Hermione knew the world was filled with broken, unfulfilled dreams.

"What kind of food do you cook?" Hermione was more than a little interested. Although she never gorged her face in the same manner that Ron did on just about every occasion he came in contact with food, truthfully, she was very fond of the stuff. Especially certain chocolate delicacies that shall remain nameless.

"Um, well so far I've specialized in soups, pastas, and breads, but I am definitely looking to expand. Experimented with soufflé, but that shit is fucking hard to perfect. Sauces and meats are next on my list, but I don't exactly have a lot of access to a kitchen here in the castle, so…"

Hermione mentally debated what she was about to do, but considered that the opportunity for good food might just make up for his irritating personality. "Well actually, I know how to get into the kitchens if you are that interested in practicing…"

"Are you being fucking serious right now?"

"Yes?"

Then he had a mini explosion of excitement. "That sounds bloody fantastic Granger! Let's do it. I'll let you know later when might be a good time… I'll have to track down some ingredients…"

He was interrupted by the door, which slowly creaked open. With enough warning, the three of them were able to fold their legs into their chest, so the door swung open wide, and they had to blink through the sudden light exposure. Their vision cleared to show a very amused Head Boy, who was postured arrogantly with his arms crossed in front of him.

"Well, this is interesting."

Elijah scowled. "What's it to you, Riddle?"

But the Slytherin teenager ignored him and the obviously besotted Miss White, staring at Hermione with a smug smirk. "Didn't bother trying to unlock the door, Hermione? Spell too difficult for you?"

Hermione affected a sickly sweet voice in response to his ribbing. "Oh, you didn't know? The locking mechanism on these doors are tied to Hogwart's wards. We wouldn't have been able to manipulate the mechanism from the inside without changing them." She took an exaggerated breath, "It's a pity that you aren't more aware of the mechanisms behind the school, Tom, considering your heritage."

The boy froze at the comment, and Hermione rolled her eyes at how utterly typical that was. And then before he could retort, "Did you come to rescue me, Riddle? Because of our truce? You're such a gentleman."

He recovered his swagger in record time, remembering their audience. "As the Head Boy, could you imagine me being anything else?"

Hermione snorted. "I suppose not. Perhaps you could keep up the image and help poor Lilac here to her feet? It's been hours, and her legs have probably cramped from the cold stone."

Lilac, ever helpful as she was, made an appropriate noise of discomfort.

Tom affected a false look of concern, and hurried over to help both girls to their feet, pointedly ignoring the Hufflepuff. Hermione nearly fell back on her butt as his hand reached hers, which warmed and sparked from something unspeakable. Tom's eyes darkened in consideration after the contact, and Hermione could feel a sense of dread bubbling somewhere around her stomach.

Perhaps it was all in her head? Perhaps he would dismiss the contact as static shock?

Some dark, pessimistic side of her whispered that he wasn't brilliant for nothing, and he was surely curious and proactive enough to investigate... She really needed to get around to researching Caster, the only reference made in the only piece of literature she had found that had been in any way helpful.

Tom continued the charade with a concerned furrow in his brow. "Do either of you need to go to the hospital wing? I wouldn't want you to catch a chill…"

Lilac looked up at him as if he had said the most gallant thing she had ever heard. Then her eyes sparkled as if the sun was shining out of his arse, and she swooned dramatically. Tom caught her, and she made a good impression of the weak and sickly woman in need of a hero… "I would appreciate your help going to the hospital wing. That is, if you're not too busy."

He looked at Hermione as he said, "I am never too busy for a lady in need."

Hermione felt an eyebrow lift as they stared at each other, before Lilac got fed up with the lack of attention. She pulled on his tie, and he looked down at her dispassionately. "The Hospital Wing."

He nodded, and the pair ambled down the hallway.

She had the very necessary restraint to wait until they had rounded a corner, and then she burst into laughter. Just because that scene was so fucking ridiculous, and she was feeling rather tense… Which was quickly joined by Elijah, who had been looking at the couple through confused, narrowed eyes.

He was the first to comment, which was hard to hear through his chortling, "Did they think they were shooting a film?"

Hermione nodded through tears. "I know, right? It was so ridiculous." And then what he had said registered in some part of her brain, and she sobered, looking at him curiously. She couldn't help the momentary grin as she properly took in his face, admiring the shiner blossoming under and around his right eye. She got him good...

She continued with her original line of inquiry. "Are you a Muggleborn?"

Because why else would he reference movies so casually in conversation with her?

His eyes darkened with some emotion, even as he grinned rakishly. "Of course."

Suddenly Lilac's comment made at the beginning of this interlude was starting to make a lot more sense.

"Although I have to ask," Elijah interrupted her mental musings, running a hand through his hair in an almost agitated manner, "Are your interactions with Riddle always that… intense? I thought it was just in the classroom, because of that weird competition thing you guys have going on."

Hermione gave him a twisted smile that tasted like a grimace. "He's always intense."

Elijah gave her a pitying look. "Not with everyone."

They walked together for a few moments, before Elijah seemed to feel comfortable enough to nudge her shoulder. "So, Granger… Kitchens? Maybe we could go now, just to check it out… and maybe indulge in some chocolate cake?"

Her eyes narrowed at him suspiciously. "How did you know?"

His look was incredulous. "Were you trying to keep it a secret?"

Hermione let out one last aggravated sigh, before changing directions. "You're lucky I like chocolate so much."

He just grinned, and laughed at her expense. "Mmhm, sure."