Jason: OK, Gophers, let's do it!
[Darcy and Amethyst jump in]
[Fang attacks]
Amethyst: Oh, you wanna flipping GO, you ugly little [morphs into octopus and starts beating up Fang]
Darcy: Get'em, Amethyst! Aah! My hair! Ugh, fine, I'll get the boxes
[Barry jumps]
Barry: Piplup, let's see your Whirlpool attack!
[Piplup pips peppily and uses Whirlpool on the other sharks]
Barry: Now let me just get that box
Amethyst: I'm kicking his butt, Dars!
Darcy: [reaches shore] Great! I'll take it from here!
[Darcy weakly conjures an illusion of a lady shark]
[Fang and the other sharks proceed to simp]
Darcy: Now, guys!
[Brian, Raymond, and Seraphine jump]
Brian: Oh, God, we're still alive
Raymond: Go team! Get the boxes
[A giant kraken rises from the depths]
Raymond: I'll protect you, Sera! [hisses and claws at the Kraken]
Seraphine: Wait, I think I got this, [vocalizes]
Kraken: OMG, go off, sis, slay the house down, hunty! [Goes back under the water]
Brian: [goes back up water] I got the boxes!
[Lisa, then Mabel, then Jett, jump off]
Lisa: THIS IS AMAZING!
Jett: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Mabel: ONWARDS, AOSHIMA!
[They land and get their boxes]
[The sharks come back]
Jason: I got this guys, GET OUT OF THE WATER!
[Jason jumps, lands in the water, and electrocutes the entire diving area]
[Sharks aren't knocked out, just angry]
Jason: Welp, I'm in trouble..
Barry: WE! WE! I can't swim or ride this Piplup, it doesn't know Surf yet!
Jason: We need to get out of the water!
Lisa: Wait, where's Patrick?
[Patrick is still on the cliff, looking down and waving]
Darcy: JUMP, YOU STUPID PINK GOOBER!
Patrick: Oh, right! I'll give them the Single Scoop Strawberry Cone with the Chocolate Dip!
Darcy: The WHAT
[Patrick jumps into the water headfirst, his face the definition of concentration]
[He slams into the water, creating a shockwave that tosses the sharks away, and ebbs Jason and Barry to shore]
Chris: That entry was a little shaky, but look at that form!
Jason: Nice work, Patrick! Now let's drag the boxes to shore
[The Gophers drag their boxes away]
Chris: Everybody jumped! Sorry, Bass and Gophers, neither of you will get the pull carts, anyway, just use your 5%!
[Meanwhile, the Bass]
Arthur: Everybody, ready?
All: Aye, aye, captain!
[The Bass all jump together holding hands in a circle]
Chris: Looks like there's still so much to do before they die, eh, Chef?
Gaara: Ready, Sasha?
Sasha: Ready!
[Gaara had connected everyone with sand cords, while Sasha used her gear to fasten them to the cliff, and lower themselves slowly to the lake]
Gaara: Thank heavens, that worked!
Arthur: Brilliant! Now to deal with the sharks
[Fang attacks]
Ponyhead: Cyborg? LAUNCH ME
Cyborg: You got it!
[Cyborg yeets Ponyhead at Fang]
Ponyhead: Is it over, is he dead yet? Did we win?
[Fang begins to chase Ponyhead]
Ponyhead: AAAAAH! Guys, DO SOMETHING!
Arthur: Everyone get your boxes, Gray, Bakugou, help Ponyhead!
[Bakugou and Gray glare at each other, before firing off shots at Fang. The ice and fire hits Ponyhead instead]
Ponyhead: OUCH! Y'ALL ARE GETTING A BEATDOWN AFTER THIS!
[Fang is about to chomp down on Ponyhead when someone shoves a humerus bone across his jaws, preventing him from closing it]
Sans: Let's get you outta here, babe
Ponyhead: Oh, Sans! I knew you'd save me!
Arthur: All cargo on shore? Good! Let's get them into the cabin grounds!
Hermione: Wingardium Leviosa!
[The spell barely lifts the cargo]
Arthur: Let me lend you a hand, m'lady. Ahem, Orth'i!
[The combined spells raise the cargo enough to be herded to the cabins like balloons]
Hermione: [looks amazed]. Unbelievable, Old Elvish?
Arthur: Indeed, I'm quite a pedant and obscurantist in these matters
LSP: We stan a well-read king
[Back at the Cabins]
Jason: What on Earth could this be? If Leo were here, we'd be done in minutes
Jett: It looks oddly familiar to me
Lisa: Let's look for an instruction manual
[Amethyst and Darcy are arguing]
Darcy: Back off, alien glamor, ripped pants wearing punk rock wannabe!
Amethyst: Shoe-shopping, eyeshadow wearing, peaking as Valtor's side-chick in Season 3!
Cyborg: OOF!
LSP: Go off, queen!
Darcy: Well, at least, I'm tall
Sans: Youch
Gray: This ain't ending well…
Sasha: Ha! They'll never get done like that, right, Gaara?
Gaara: It's a ruse
Sasha: Huh?
Gaara: None of the other Gophers are in the least disturbed. They're distracting us by getting us to vicariously watch their catfight
Bakugou: Kitty-Litter's right!
Arthur: Holmes would be proud! Now let's double our efforts!
Gaara: I actually followed Darcy to the outhouse with my Third Eye
LSP: That's kinda gross
Darcy: Ha! I'll fool the Bass and distract them with what I do best, starting a fight!
Gaara: Not an admirable strategy, but effective. I can't allow her to put that plan into effect. Nice work, eyeball [pats the eyeball]
Amethyst: Uh, Dars? They're not falling for it!
Darcy: What? Crap! You probably overdid your part!
Amethyst: [raises eyebrow] Gee, sorry…
Ponyhead: Hey guys… I think I know what this is…
Gaara: I agree, it's familiar…
Sasha: [gasps in happiness]Well, duh! It's a HOTPOT GRILL!
Cyborg: No kidding?! I'll get it set up in no time!
Jett: Darn it, I should've gotten it first!
Jason: Don't be so hard on yourself, Jett
Chris: The winners for the first challenge are the KILLER BASS! What a reversal! As per winning the weekly challenge, all Bass are Immune!
Cyborg: Booyah! Can't touch this!
LSP: Oh yes, one week down, twenty… [counts on fingers] something to go, gurl!
Ponyhead: We're the best! [hugs LSP]
Chris: The Bass get to use the hot tub for the week AND they get to use the Hotpot Grill for the rest of the competition, with a weekly supply of meat and veggies from our partner grocery! [A dolphin on a delivery truck waves]
[Seraphine and Lisa wave back at the dolphin]
Ponyhead: GURLLLLL, WE'RE IN HEAVEN!
Sasha: All that meat… for me? [faints]
Arthur: [catches Sasha]
Chris: Gophers, meet me at the campfire after dinner for the Vote
Jett: I fucked up. BIG TIME. I hope they won't come for me
Darcy: They fucked up. I'm coming for them
Brian: Really hope it's not me
Raymond: [Nervous shaking] I did good, right?! I did good
Seraphine: [Using the confessional at the same time and petting Raymond] Yes, you did, Rayray. You did good
Jason: I should've been more guiding to my team
Patrick: Mrs. Puff, is it naptime?
Amethyst: I don't like how Dars was blaming me back there, this whole operation was HER idea!
Mabel: I'm just glad we didn't get the grill. Mr. Wiggles is watching, and he's gonna be SO traumatized.
Lisa: HOW, HOW DID I NOT SEE THAT WAS A GRILL?!
Barry: I knew it! Chris, I'm fining you for this!
Chef on the screen: Dinner is served, you've got thirty minutes!
[flashback an hour earlier]
Sasha: OK, Art, let's see your, uh, artful cooking
Arthur: Let's see, Shepherd's Pie, a Beef Wellington, we need a nice Bangers and Mash on the side…
Sasha: Oh God, it all sounds so good, there's no way they're believing Chef would make that
Arthur: [Proceeds to create the most horrific buffet human eyes have ever seen]
Sasha: Oh God, it's… perfect!
Arthur: [blushes] Come now, it's basic at best, I was rushing
[Back to present]
Jett: So, what's for dinner?
Seraphine: This… food
Hermione: Good Lord, if this is Shepherd's Pie, Chef, my name is Millicent Bullstrode
Brian: I… kinda like it…
Patrick: Best pie ever!
Cyborg: Yeah! As far as I can tell, it's meat!
Baljeet: Can we use the hotpot grill?
Gray: Yeah, that stuff looks like it'll send you to your deathbed
Sans: Forget eating it, just looking at it's making me turn to dust
Amethyst: Can we start calling you Dusty?
Sans: If you're nasty
Sasha: [at the back of the cabin] Yes! I'm gonna win the challenge!
[sobbing in the corner]
Sasha: Huh? Who's there?
[Arthur is crying in the corner]
Arthur: Oh, it's nothing. I just… I promised to help you… and I…
Sasha: You DID help me! No one's gonna know it's not Chef cooking coz your cooking is just as bad as his! Whoops!
Arthur: Really? [stops crying]. Well, I'm glad. I don't like failing on my promises
Chris: [arrives on jetpack] Sasha, Arthur! Congratulations! You win the Individual Challenge!
Sasha: Thanks, but luckily I won't need the Immunity now that the Bass won
Arthur: Can't she carry her Immunity next week?
Chris: Nope, it's a one-time only offer, dudes, but to give you a tangible prize, here's a dinner for two courtesy of our former contestant DJ, the finest cook from Generation 1, and who was totally NOT forced to come back here again.
Sasha: Oh, wow this all looks so good! Thank you, Chris!
Chris: Hey, unlike our original contestants, y'all have fans who would rip me to shreds if I didn't throw you some bones every now and then
Sasha: It's for two, Arthur, come on! We still have to get to the cabins before eight!
Arthur: Well, I… I'm not properly dressed for a date…
Sasha: You're literally more dapper than all the guys I know… well… except for Levi, he's born with drip…
[Back at the Bass Cabin]
[Boys side]
Cyborg: Ayy! There's Casanova!
Sans: How was your date with the Giantslayer?
Gray: Does she stuff a whole strawberry shortcake down her gullet like someone I know and would kill me if I named her on national TV?
[Erza back at Fiore: I don't know why, but iI'm going to kick Gray's butt as soon as he gets home…]
Bakugou: You punks are more gossipy than the girls' cabin, sheesh
Arthur: She made the meat vanish in seconds. She reminds me of Elizabeth
Cyborg: She your ex?
Arthur: No, I was talking about Queen Elizabeth I. We were… intimate
Cyborg: I-
Sans: Sheesh, gramps
Baljeet: [Trying not to get dragged into the conversation by reading a textbook]
Gaara: You're reading backwards
Baljeet: I'M TRYING TO AVOID CONVERSATION, OK?!
[Girls Cabin]
LSP: GURL, TELL US EVERYTHING
Ponyhead: EVERYTHING, LEAVE NO CRUMBS
Hermione: [laughing] Oh, leave her be! She's exhausted!
LSP: Well, duh. She shoved a whole Beef Wellington down her throat
Sasha: I don't know what came over me! Here I was, dating a cute British guy, and I make a complete glutton of myself, I'm usually more restrained!
[flashbacks to Sasha stuffing food into her mouth at every opportunity she got while no one was looking]
Hermione: Well, don't be too worried. My boyfriend Ron eats like that, and so do a lot of boys I know. Trust me, the days of gentry are over for the British
LSP: It's giving Age of Youth
[At the Campfire]
Chris: Everyone gets three votes! You can go to the booths now and cast them!
Jason: Three? Good number. I hate to cast these votes, but I guess I gotta get rid of the weak links: Raymond, Brian and Barry
Jett: My votes for Barry, Raymond and Patrick
Amethyst: One for Darcy, I think I can tell she's not gonna get nicer from here one, one for Barry and one for Raymond
Lisa: I feel Patrick is a liability, but Darcy can be a threat if she continues to be the 'mean girl'. One for him two for her
Darcy: Three for Amethyst for messing up the plan and getting my hair wet
Barry: Two for Jason and one for Patrick, he's totally not managing this rowdy group enough and the other's just… OK, he farted at dinner
Brian: [puts three votes for Raymond]. What? I'm not voting just because he's a cat… I have my reasons… [barks at camera]
Raymond: Three for Patrick, he is SO uncrisp!
Patrick: Three for me! Yay! I win!
Seraphine: Three for Darcy: Something tells me that girl is bad news
Mabel: Three for Barry, because he is ANNOYING!
Chris: Ok, Gophers! The votes are in! Each of the safe campers gets a Safety Smore! A gooey, delicious symbol of immunity!
Patrick: Wow
Mabel: I want it!
Chris: First, with no votes for them:
[heartbeats increase, drums roll]
Chris: Jett!
Jett: WHAT
Chris: The campers have decided to give their airy kung-fu girl who can't tell a grill in front of her a chance!
Jett: [turns to the team] Thank you for believing in me
Chris: Lisa!
Lisa: Is this smore gluten-free?
Chris: Seraphine!
Seraphine: Thanks, guys!
Chris: Mabel!
Mabel: OM NOM NOM NOM
Chris: Now, with only one vote, Brian!
Brian: Oh thank God…
Brian: Who the FUCK voted for me?!
Chris: With two votes, Jason!
Jason: Thanks Chris, thank you guys so much
Chris: The five of you remaining.. Amethyst, Darcy, Barry, Raymond, Patrick…
Jett: Whoa, pentuple elimination?!
Lisa: That's crazy
Chris: The five of you are Nominated for Eviction!
Jett: Nominated? Isn't that a Big Brother thing?
Chris: Yeah, I figured I'd give it a try since people keep rigging the damn votes so I decided to reduce the campers' votes' power. Your fate is now in the hands of our adoring audience! The audience has a vote to save and a vote to evict! The net vote decides who stays… and who leaves… FOREVER!
Darcy: We both know there's a wildcard round
Chris: how did you-
Lisa: It's in the contracts, on the fine print
Chris: Ah, crud. Welp! You five must now convince the audience to save your sorry butts before the polls end on Monday!
Amethyst: OK, Steventhusiasts, I need your help! I know Darcy's got it bad for me, we need to girlboss her outta here before she can build momentum!
Darcy: Trix fans? Help me extend my girlbossery for the rest of the competition. They're tryna smoke me out!
Barry: Pokefanatics, my stay can't end just now! Please vote to save me, I promise I'll waive your fines if you do!
Raymond: Please, Uchiwas! Help me survive! The other villagers will laugh at me if I'm the first out and that would be tres uncrisp!
Patrick: Hi, mom! I'm on TV! Hi, Spongebob! Hi Squidward! Hi, Sandy!
Chris: Who will be saved? Who will be our first evictee? Find out this Tuesday on TOTAL! DRAMA! FANDOM! ISLAND!
Vote on Strawpoll!
Vote to Save: /xurbhy69w
Vote to Eliminate: /9fvyhwpd3
[Two days later]
Chris: OK, campers! The votes are in and tallied! Can the five nominees proceed to the campfire?
[Amethyst, Barry, Darcy, Patrick and Raymond arrive at campfire]
Chris: Your fate was decided by the votes of 15
Barry: thousand?
Amethyst: Million?
Chris: Just fifteen people who gave enough of a crap to vote.
Chris: Drumroll, please?
[Chef plays the drums]
Chris: Amethyst, your campmates feel you overdid your part in that little ruse you prepared for the Bass, contributing to your loss
Barry, your teammates see you as a whiny, useless link in the chain! And they want you out
Darcy, you served Heather realness all week, but maybe the fans don't want a Heather 2.0, but a Darcy 1.0
Patrick, you clutched the jump with that Single Scoop Strawberry… whatever you did, but after that, you weren't of any use AT ALL. You even farted all the time at dinnertime.
Raymond, your cute kitty-cat looks won the hearts of everyone on the island, but your teammates are asking "What now?". Does kitty got game?
Chris: Two campers got a positive net vote, one got zero and two are in the negative. The first one I will call is the top net voted contestant
[Suspense]
Chris: AMETHYST!
Amethyst: [Screaming] THANK YOUUUU! I just wanna say thank you to all the Steventhusiasts, I swear I won't let you guys down!
Chris: Up next… RAYMOND!
Raymond: [crying] Merci beaucoup, Uchiwas! Thank you for believing in me!
Chris: The one with the net zero vote: DARCY!
Darcy: [Rolls eyes]. Thank you, Trixnatics. I knew you wouldn't let me down. This nomination was a wakeup call. I should be more myself from this point on. I'll show this island why I am the Witch of Darkness!
Chris: Barry and Patrick, please step forward.
Chris: I have two papers in my hands, one is blank and the other is a notice of eviction from the island
[Chef in the background: You wanna be Tyra Banks so bad!]
Barry: [crying]
Patrick: [has no idea what is going on]
Chris: PATRICK!
[Barry collapses in fetal position crying]
Patrick: [looks at Barry] Mr. Chris, is it naptime?
Chris: No, but it IS time for you to leave, Pat! You have been EVICTED!
Patrick: Oh. Does this mean we're not getting pizza?
[At the docks]
Chris: Patrick, you placed 22nd overall. I actually expected you to make it all the way to the Finale since you're Owen's spiritual successor and maybe you might be our new fan favorite, but it turns out the fans don't like you.
[Everyone hugs Patrick]
Jett: We're gonna miss you, big guy! Not your farts, though
Seraphine: Good luck back out in the world, Pat! [kisses]
[Patrick acts all blushy]
Darcy: E to the U
Hermione: At least you can have this box of pizza. It's freshly, er, conjured from the pizza Sasha snuck in.
Sasha: Let this pizza be the symbol of our friendship! We'll miss you!
Jason: See you around, buddy
Lisa: Bye, Patrick! Say hello to Spongebob for me!
Chris: You can say it yourself! Pat's friends will be picking him up on a boat
[A boat arrives, with Spongebob Squidward, Sandy and Pearl on it]
Squidward: Dead last, just as I predicted, hand over the dollars
[Spongebob and Sandy fork over their money]
Spongebob: You were amazing, Pat! You'll get it next time!
Sandy: That jump was heard round the world, Pat! No, seriously, my seismometer blipped when you dove in.
Pearl: Hi, Chris! I hope you'll consider me for TDA! I'm like, totally meant to be a star!
Chris: Will do! Lisa, Mabel, please step out of the boat and stop begging Mr. Squarepants for autographs
Spongebob: [laughs]. It's ok, Chris, I don't mind!
Patrick: Bye guys! Good luck!
Squidward: You're waving in the wrong direction, doofus
[The boat sails away as the 21 campers wave goodbye to Patrick Star, the first evictee of Total Drama Fandom Island]
Chris: One down, twenty one to go! Who will fall, who will answer the call, and who will rise above them all? Find out on the next episode of TOTAL! DRAMA! FANDOM! ISLAND!