Chapter Three: A Bad Idea

All I dreamt about was that strange other world. Every time I closed my eyes I saw these people, talked to them, become friends with them, cared for them, watched them die.

I saw much too vividly people I held close to me eaten alive. A friend not too far from me snatched right from the sky, eaten up with no pause.

We were in such a good mood not even two minutes ago. I had so much running through my mind it didn't feel like I was thinking at all. What the hell was all that training for if this is how we ended up fairing against those things?

Why did I get so close to them over the years if all that was going to culminate to was me watching their limbs crushed between oversized teeth? I'm so angry - angry at these things, this world, the things I've seen, what was taken from me, and what was never mine but should have been.

I was so caught up in the passion of it all I didn't even look below me and suddenly it was black. I hit that roof hard, and couldn't even get up if I wanted to at first because not all of my body was there anymore.

I can't even think about what had just happened. I can remember it, but did it actually happen? Am I really about to just die here? Even if I survive I won't be able to join the Scouts like I wanted and -

Armin?

I'm stuck between two worlds as I jolt up from my bed with tears streaming down my face. I can see Armin get grabbed as I shakily reach for my phone on the nightstand. Hear him scream like I never have heard him before as I listen to my phone dial and ring.

I see his eyes, and I've never, ever seen that expression on his face before.

"Eren? Are you okay, it's three in the morning."

"M-Mikasa. . ."

"I'm coming, you stay right there. Stay on the line."

I hear shuffling on her side of the line, a door close, and her running as I feel myself swallowed whole. And it's hot, like I've been dropped straight into a vat of boiling water but I'm in my dorm room - but I'm struggling not to drown - and there are only sheets around me.

And I'm like them. Just like them, those things we were just-

"Shh, shhh, it's okay, you're okay." Mikasa whispers to me as she cradles me in her arms. I cry and whimper into her shoulder, gripping her like she could just disappear - because she could. I can't stay aware of us in my dorm room, I keep. . . I keep seeing that other place, this nightmare I can't stop reliving at night.

"Where's Armin?" I manage.

"Probably asleep, in his dorm."

I shake my head, she runs a hand through my hair.

"I've never heard him scream like that I- what the fuck is going on?"

"I'll call him, alright? I'll call him." She says in a soft voice, pulling her phone from her back pocket and dialing his number. She puts it on speaker so she can use both hands to keep holding me.

As it dials and dials the fear and anger builds up inside of me because it feels like he's gone. Like the boy I've known my whole life is just- just-

"Hello?"

"Armin, can you come over to Eren's dorm room?" She asks, some panic in her voice.

"What? Why? Is everything alright? Is someone crying?"

"Armin, hurry." Is the last thing I catch her say before I open my eyes again and feel her holding me upright, crying into me like I had died.

And I thought I had. I really did.

"Eren?"

My eyes open once more and all I see is my dorm room - both Armin and Mikasa sitting on my bed giving me worried expressions. I look between them for a moment before looking at Armin and feeling the tears well back into my eyes.

"Ah!" He exclaims as I move to hug him tight, sending us both back onto the bed.

"I dreamed that you were eaten. . . I have no idea when I heard you scream like that but I'll never let it happen again."

He rests a hand on my back.

"Eren, where is this coming from?. . . are you still having those nightmares?"

"That's it," Mikasa says, getting up, "I'm throwing those gummies that Jean gave you away. I should have known something was wrong with them."

I don't let Armin go, even when he makes to squirm out from under me. He eventually gives up and lets it happen.

I'm sure I must be scaring them, but that last one threw me for a loop. I've tasted what it feels like to lose him and I don't ever want to feel that again.

"You both mean so much to me, I hope you know that. . ." I start, finally sitting up and letting Armin go. Mikasa joins us on the bed and I catch her eyes. "I know I've been. . . different, lately. I'm not sure what's happening, but it doesn't change the way I feel about both of you."

Mikasa's eyes water and she pulls me into a tight hug.

"We are here for you, Eren. No matter what you are going through."

00000

I can feel the warmth of the fire, hear the crackling of the wood, before I see it. It casts a warm light on the forest ground and over me, dancing shadows along the tall trees that surround me. I'm holding a warm cup in my hands, a blanket draped over my shoulders.

"- too much. Just leave him for now, at least until tomorrow."

I recognize that voice as the Captain's, but I'm much too tired to move let alone try to speak up and ask what's going on.

"Alright, alright. I suppose he does look quite out of it." Someone kneels in front of me and the name Hange comes to mind. "Eren? How are you feeling?"

". . . Tired." I finally manage.

"You look it. I guess three consecutive transformations is the limit now. I wonder why the sudden change? Before we had you at five, but the last few days your endurance has noticeably declined."

I blink, for a moment recognize Mikasa's dorm room, then see Hange kneeling in front of me once more.

"Where did you go just now?"

"Leave the brat alone, Hange. Let him rest, then maybe he'll start performing how you want him to."

"Aww come on, Levi! I know that! I'm just making simple conversation."

"That is anything but simple, go on."

Through a sleepy haze I watch Hange stand up and leave, entering a nearby tent. I can see Mikasa getting up to sit on the side of the bed I'm on, running a hand through my hair and asking me something but I don't catch it.

The next thing I know my back hits something and I look up to see Captain Levi looking down at me. I'm resting on his stomach, aren't I?

"You must be really out of it, kid."

"Sorry." I mumble.

He takes the cup out of my hand, leaning over me slightly to do so and I feel something. In my stomach. Something pleasant but I'm too tired to really react to it. He moves slightly and all of sudden I'm lifted up from my position near the fire. The world spins and I move closer and closer to one of the tents then inside.

The next thing I know I'm lying down on a cot inside the tent, looking over at the Captain as he cleans a pair of blades.

"She was right." I mumble.

He looks up at me, lifting an eyebrow.

"Who was right?"

"Petra."

His eyes lower at the mention of her name and I wonder if that still hurts him. Wonder how much it hurt when it happened.

"She said you were a really caring person, even if it wasn't always obvious. . . I believe her, I see it, she's right."

"Tch." he scoffs and rolls his eyes, returning to cleaning the blades.

For some reason that makes me laugh. That is so like him.

"What are you laughing about, Eren?" Mikasa asks me.

"Hm?" I open my eyes and recognize her dorm room.

"You were laughing a bit. I hope it was a good dream this time around?"

"Yeah. . . it was still about the same thing but it wasn't horrible."

She frowns slightly, nodding. Even without taking the melatonin I've been having these nightmares. Flashes of a whole nother life before my eyes. I tried avoiding sleep as long as I could but I'd eventually pass out and dream of it anyway. It's made my life more difficult and my grades are suffering in response.

"Do you think the melatonin really caused this? Or was this going to happen anyway?" Armin asks from across the room.

"Well. . . I think I vaguely remember having a dream like this before taking them. . . it's hard to say."

"I wonder if I'd have weird dreams if I took one."

"Don't even think about it, Armin. What if it did?" Mikasa pipes up.

"I'm just saying," Armin says, putting his hands, "it would be in the name of science. I mean, melatonin is not supposed to impact the brain like this. I highly doubt anything would happen to me, but I'm curious nonetheless."

". . . alright, but if you take it I'm going too as well."

"Guys, seriously, you don't have to." I cut in.

"Too late." Armin says with a smile.

It felt like we were doing some sort of cult-y ritual. After the day's classes and a considerable amount of homework was completed in preparation we sat down in Mikasa's bedroom - each holding a melatonin gummy.

"So. . . you just eat it right?" Mikasa asks.

"Yup." I affirm.

"How long does it take to work?" Armin asks.

"I don't know, an hour or so."

We look between each other once more before taking the melatonin. Afterwards the other two look over themselves and each other, almost as if they expected to start glowing or something. I laugh.

"Guys, it's literally just melatonin, right? I'm sure my symptoms are from whatever's been up with me lately."

"You're probably right," Armin laughs nervously, "but an experiment is always fun."

"What now?" Mikasa adds.

"We wait, I suppose."

It only took about thirty minutes for Armin to pass out, another thirty minutes for Mikasa to drift off and then finally I followed suit.

It was the most panicked expression I have ever seen on his face. I knew he was quite fond of cleanliness, boarding obsessive but - this was clearly a problem. And it freaked me out to see someone so impassive freak out like that.

We were no strangers to what being in the Scouts could do to someone's mind, but. . . this was different than that.

In our quest to rid our island completely of Titans we came across a few abandoned houses, some little shelters, even boats and washed up debris along the shore.

I'm vaguely aware that Mikasa just shifted in her sleep and that Armin is still slumped over in the chair at the desk in her dorm room, but mostly I'm looking right at the Captain when we both fall a floor down through the abandoned shelter we found into a decrypt basement.

Hange yells after us, asking if we are okay. I can hear Jean bickering with Connie about watching their step and Sasha asking if we found any more cans of food. I shake the daze off and look around, seeing nothing particularly interesting in the room. That's when I noticed we landed in wet mold, worms wiggling around where I had disturbed them.

"Ew, what the hell?" I say, raising my hands up, "No, there isn't any canned food, just a lot of gross shit." I look over at the Captain and he looks petrified. I furrow my eyebrows a bit. "Captain? Are you alright?"

His eyes snap up to me and he tries to put on his usual impassive look but it's cracked.

"Peachy, let's get the hell out of here."

It doesn't take long for the others to reach down and pull us out of the space, grimacing as they take a long look at what we fell on. I expect Hange to start getting excited about it, muttering something about testing it or wanting a sample, but I hear nothing.

I look to them to see if my assumption will be correct but see a worried look on their face as they look toward the entrance of the little shelter. I notice the Captain is missing.

"Where did he go?"

Hange looks at me.

"He'll be okay, just let him work through it."

"Work through what? He looked," I cut myself off, making sure no one else was listening to our conversation, "really off."

"Of course he did, you saw what you landed in. He'll be fine once he rinses off, trust me."

I do, I honestly trust Hange quite a bit. But every time I've heard someone say that to me I always end up regretting not listening to my own gut in the first place. Against their wishes I rush out of the little shelter, set on finding where the Captain went.

I'm worried about him. I tend to a lot these days, and I know where it stems from but I'd rather not admit it to myself. As I fly through the trees, trying to remember where the stream we passed is, I push down the weird feeling that keeps trying to claw its way up into my stomach everytime he talks to me or whenever we are alone.

I hear it before I see it, letting the sound guide me to a break in the trees. Once my feet touch the ground I see his form by the bank, knelt over. He makes no indication that he's noticed me arrive but I assume he senses that someone has begun to approach him.

I do so slowly, because something feels off about his aura - and for a moment I think I should have just listened to Hange. The atmosphere feels strange, like I shouldn't be seeing this. His sleeves are rolled up past his elbows and he's rinsing his forearms off. I look over myself briefly and notice I have nothing on me. Only my hands and boots touched anything. I'm sure he landed the same way I did so why?-

"What are you doing?" I ask. He startles slightly but doesn't move to look at me.

"The fuck does it look like I'm doing."

His tone is a bit off putting and I cringe. Of course the one time I finally listen to my gut I should have trusted someone else. Maybe Hange was right. . . of course they were right, I should have-. . . wait, is that blood in the stream?

I blink a few times and surely enough I notice red wisps begin to float downstream from where he is. Hesitantly I kneel beside him and bite my lip. The rock he's using to scrub his skin with has cut him quite a few times, and he's still raking it over and over like he hasn't noticed or can't feel it.

"Captain." No response. "Captain." No response. "Levi." No response. The wounds are getting worse, he looks frantic, and I panic - what the hell am I supposed to do in this situation?

I take his face into my hands and make him look at me - he drops the rock, eyes wide.

"Snap out of it!"

He stares into my eyes for a while before he looks away and pulls my hands off his face. He looks over his forearm and so do I. Thin streams of blood flow down over his wrist and hand, dripping into the grass.

"You shouldn't have followed me, shouldn't have seen that." He says softly, standing up and sighing heavily.

"I was worried. You looked so panicked after we fell, I wanted to make sure you would be okay. . . I don't regret following you, who knows how much damage you would have done if I didn't stop you." I stand as well, looking around us. We shouldn't be too far away from where we set up camp.

"The sun's setting." I mention. Wordlessly he flies up into the trees and I sigh. I refuse to feel bad for following.

Once we arrive I notice we are the first ones back. The others might still be out at the shelter, or continuing their survey of the island. I see him disappear into his tent and I hesitate. He still doesn't seem right to me. But should I really push this? And is my concern well founded? Or am I trying to come up with excuses to continue being near him?

I don't know.

When I push open his tent and walk in he glances up at me, roll of bandages in hand. He's taken his shirt off, which is nothing I haven't seen before but in this setting feels different. Like once again I have just walked into something I shouldn't be seeing.

"Uh, do you need help wrapping your arm, sir?" I sound shaky and unsure, feeling like my younger self when I was on edge just by being near him.

He sighs, looking tired.

"I suppose."

Even with his confirmation I hesitate, cautiously approaching him and kneeling in front of the cot he's sitting on. He hands me the bandages and I set them aside to pick up the cloth and alcohol. As gently as I can I clean the wounds - he doesn't flinch or complain, nothing that would tell me he's in pain.

I find myself wrapping his arm slowly, carefully, like he's made of the finest glass that could shatter from just a nasty look. I soak in as much as I can from this quiet moment. Like how small his forearm actually is. The bones of his wrist that I can see clearly, the blue and green veins that travel all the way up to his elbow and down his wrist and hand. How tight the skin around his hands seems to be, the scar across his palm, the one over his index finger, another by his wrist.

I can see each ligament on the top of his hand that connects his fingers to his wrist. Small hand that would look delicate if it didn't have so many scars and calluses. His hand is incredibly soft despite this, maybe a bit dry from all the washing. And I wonder how they would feel on me. How much power they hold regardless of their size.

I wonder how my own hands would look on him. And as I fasten the bandage I glance up and see his stomach, the muscle that he so obviously has even while he's leaning over slightly. His ribs aren't as visible as the last time I saw him shirtless.

The bandage is done but my hands remain on his wrist and elbow as my gaze slowly trails up his body to his eyes that definitely know I've been looking him over. An apology bubbles in my throat but never comes out as his eyes flicker down to my lips - and we are a lot closer than I thought we were. I panic.

"Does this happen often?" Whispering feels right at the moment.

"No," his voice matches the softness of mine, "but sometimes I see or touch something that just. . . sets it off. Makes my skin crawl and I can't stop that feeling until I've taken it off essentially. I'm fine, really, this hardly happens."

"Captain I-" Our noses are touching and I'm not sure what to say if I should even say anything at all. I can feel his shaky breath against my lips and I want it. I want it so badly, it's right there, but should I take it?

"Eren-" God, I wanna keep hearing my name like that from him. Does he want this? Would he actually consider doing something like this with me? I try racking my brain for anything that could help me answer these questions, anyway in which I might have been able to pick up a shift in how he feels about me.

Lingering looks, touches that last a beat too long. . . am I reading into it or is it all actually there? Should I just go for it? I mean, I've never really been one to think about things thoroughly before acting maybe I should just-

I lean forward to connect our lips but he turns his face and I kiss his cheek. And for a split second I feel like I'm going to lose some teeth, or maybe get a rib cracked - but nothing like that happens. He gently pushes me away with his hand on my chest and we look at each other.

"I'm sorry, I have no idea what came over me I-" He cuts me off by putting his hand over my mouth. I look at him with wide eyes, pleading.

"You don't have to say anything. It's been a long, weird day. . . just get some rest."

He uncovers my mouth and I sigh quietly.

"Yes, sir."

The image of him sitting before me begins to fade away as I feel myself being shaken. All of a sudden I'm in a dorm room, Mikasa looking down at me wide eyed.

"Mikasa?"

"I had them, the dreams you were talking about. I dreamt about us, in that horrible place, fighting- I. . . it was so vivid."

I sit up and she hugs me. Armin is still in the chair at the desk but he's curled up on himself, staring off in the room.

Maybe taking the melatonin was a bad idea.