The Joker sat alone in his usual spot in the yard, the one with the view of the ballfield, right near the fence to where everyone worked out. He sat chewing candy he had smuggled in; he would tell anyone that he had a terrible sweet tooth, so much so that he spent a ridiculous amount of money having the stuff brought into the prison. But sugar wasn't on his mind.
He stood as two men approached, one large and another small; both were covered in gang tattoos and looked like the hardboiled convicts they were. "Laurel and Hardy, how good to see you!" he yelled, and stood up. "How are you two?"
"Fine," the large man said, rough to the point of extremity. The small man merely nodded. They probably didn't know who Laurel and Hardy were, and wouldn't get the joke. Oh well, the Joker thought, not everyone can be funny. To these fellows, life had no humor at all. He smiled.
"Well, you two, as you may know, your friends are fighting each other." The Joker pointed his finger at the small man. "One of your men attacked someone over a perceived insult, if I recall?"
"True," the man said. "Guy was talking trash."
"I heard he called one of your friends a name. Was that how all this started?"
Smoke smiled a little. Maybe he did get the joke after all. "This's been buildin up for months, you know that."
"That's true, I did know that. I also know that I specifically told BOTH of you," he said, waving his finger between the two of them, "to keep it from boiling over. Now. Who do I blame."
He looked between the two men. "Goss, what do you have to say."
"Can't keep my men from speaking their mind," he said.
"Then you don't own your men," the Joker said. Goss, visibly angry, said nothing. "And you, Smoke."
"Yeah," the con said.
"You appear to be unable to control the sensitivity of your soldiers." The small man's eye's narrowed, but he said nothing. "And so." the Joker said. "What is to be done."
"Joker," Goss said, "I know we operate with your permission. But sometimes prison business is prison business."
"You know they say the forest fire is part of the forest, that a little chaos does everyone some good," the Joker said, looking to a cloud. "I believe that. And in that way I see your point."
"Bad blood needs to be spilled," Smoke said.
"Yes, quite. But on my end of it, this cage is too important for you two to be messing with. Understand?"
The two gang leaders stood there, holding in the urge to talk back to the man with the green hair. But no one moved.
"Yes," Goss said. "I understand."
"And you?"
Smoke nodded.
The Joker laughed. "Well, that was easy, wasn't it? We're done here. Toodle-oo to you both." He turned around to walk away.
"With all due respect, Joker-"
The man twisted back around and stared violently at Goss. "I said we're done here."
"With all due respect, you haven't been here very long. This isn't how prisons work."
The Joker walked up to the man, many times his superior physically, and breathed into his face. "This is how MY prison works. Understand?" He watched Goss struggle with his want for violence and laughed. "Look at you, you want to rip my lungs out." He smiled. "How sweet."
"You're walking a thin line here, Joker."
"Am I," the Joker said. "Hit me then. See what happens."
Goss stood there, his rage making his muscles tense. The Joker reached out, lightly, and gave him a slap.
Immediately Goss' hand flew at him, but the Joker didn't move. A crack was heard from the northwest tower and Goss' fist went limp, his dead body falling over before the hit could connect. Sirens began to blare. The Joker looked to his left and saw Smoke, who was backing away, jaw dropped; the Joker looked up to the tower and pointed towards the small gang boss, who started to run.
Shots peppered the ground as Smoke ran, tracing his path, but none of them hit. "Oh for Capone's sake," the Joker said, and pulled an improvised knife out of his pants. He began to sprint after Smoke, who was still dodging bullets; eventually one hit him in the leg and he went down.
He looked up to see the Joker flying through the air at him, shank in hand. Smoke put his arm up to shield himself but it was no use – the Joker was stabbing, and stabbing, until Smoke was well past dead. Laughing, the Joker turned from the body as the sounds of very large numbers of very angry people began to fill the prison. The sounds were good – very good.
The Joker stood, a conductor in an orchestra of chaos and suffering. The two gangs with dead leaders would fight it out, and the others would reap the benefits of prison rackets while the war was raging; they would appreciate this situation by cutting the Joker in on some action his hands had previously been unable to work their way into. As the yard erupted in violence the Joker looked up to the sky, and held his hands up to his god.
X
"Solitary?! Are you serious?!"
"Joker listen," the guard said through the bars. "They're starting to wise up to what's happening here."
"Who?" the Joker asked. "I'm paying off the whole administration!"
The guard looked both ways outside of the cell, a clear signal for the Joker to stop yelling. "Look, when you kept the gangs from fighting it was one thing, but now that you started the war…"
The Joker looked out of his cell with unyielding eyes. "What's your point."
"The warden's growing a spine. He sees that you have men in the turrets. He's starting to realize you're more in control than he is."
"About time," the Joker said.
The guard was silent.
"…okay," Joker said, "who do I pay."
"That's just it," the guard said, "there's no one else to pay."
The Joker raised his arms. "What's the deal then?"
"You might have to take a while in the hole."
A loud cackle sounded out into the D block, waking those asleep and chilling those awake. The Joker let out the last bit of a long laugh and turned back to the guard. "I don't think so."
"Look, it wouldn't be for long. And I can guarantee you'll have it sweet."
The Joker stared at the man. "How sweet?"
"Conjugal visits. Visitors. I don't know, a couch or something. You've just got to do it, it's just for show."
"Well I do love a good show," the Joker said. He sat in deliberation. "And if I don't do it?"
The guard shrugged. "Not sure what would happen."
"Well." The Joker walked back to his bunk. "We'll see. Thanks for the heads up Raul."
"Uh, Joker…"
"What's that?"
"You're not still watching my kids, are you?"
"Of course I am!" The Joker smiled and waved. "See ya later, pal."
As the guard walked away the Joker kept his smile, and when he was gone shook his head.
"Solitary. Over his dead body."
X
A WEEK LATER, IN SOLITARY
"Can we open the door?" The Joker woke to a familiar voice in the hallway outside. It couldn't be…
"You'll have to talk to him through the slit," the guard said.
"How long do I have?"
"Twenty minutes," the guard said, but didn't go anywhere.
"These are sensitive issues we're going to be discussing. I was told we'd be alone."
The guard shrugged. "My orders were to hang around."
"There's no need for you to hold your gun like that." The guard checked his weapon – quickly a dark shape wrapped itself around the man and administered an instant sleeper hold, knocking him out.
"Ooh, good show," Joker called from the room.
"Shut up." The sounds of keys jingling told the Joker he was getting an in-cell visitor; after the right one had been found footsteps marched towards the door.
"What are you going to do, beat me?" The Joker laughed. "You've had enough chances to do that."
"We need to talk."
"Well they'll never let you in here again, so now's the time."
The key went into the lock and the massive door creaked – and opened. There, holding his hand over his eyes, the Joker could see the huge figure that had thwarted him time and again. He was more than a little curious as to what he was doing here. Batman took a step and the Joker backed up.
"I can barely see you," he said. "You wouldn't hurt a guy who needs glasses, would you?"
"Not unless you're itching for a broken bone."
"Enticing but I'll pass." A sickly smile became the gangster, and he turned to the Bat. "So, let's talk."
"You know something about the Scarecrow."
The Joker smiled. "What about, about the Scarecrow?"
"That soon enough you'll be history and he'll have the only name in organized crime in Gotham."
The smile disappeared. "What's your point?"
"I know you don't want that to happen," the Bat said.
"You think?" Joker stared at Batman sideways. "What is it you want, anyway?"
"You still run your gang. And it's still the most powerful in Gotham."
"Okay."
"You want to keep the Scarecrow out of your business. I want his drug off the streets. We have a common goal."
"That's nice," the Joker said.
"Listen close," Batman said, and stared into the Joker's eyes. "I'm making you an offer."
The Joker laughed. "What can you offer me?" He spread his arms wide, taking in his present situation.
"I've got friends."
"Really…I thought you were more the lone ranger type – well except for your little boy toy, that is."
His lip curled into what could have been anger, could have been a smile, but he made no remark either way. "They will let me back in here."
The color changed minutely in the Joker's eyes. "…oh?"
He stood in his cell, and Batman listened as he thought. His eyes ran themselves in circles and his heart did somersaults.
He opened his mouth, then closed it just as fast. "Hmm. Well…"
"I'll let you think it over." The Bat turned to leave.
"Wait!" the Joker said. "Uh…"
Batman turned back around, and the Joker stared at the ground, his arms crossed and his foot tapping.
"What are you offering here? This new warden won't budge much."
The Bat stared. "One time. One."
"What-"
"The next time you're in, you leave in a hearse."
The Joker's pupils dilated. His hand shot up. "Shake."
Batman looked down at the hand in disgust, like it was made of rotten eggs. "Shake?" His eyes flicked to the ground, like he was regretting his decision already.
The Joker's ghostly white palm hovered there in the air. "Shake."
X
A CONJUGAL VISIT, A WEEK LATER
"Cherub," he said, smiling at the girl that as his eyes adjusted he could see wasn't there. Instead – what the hell was she doing here? His lips spread into a wide smile, a smokescreen behind which he concealed many emotions, one being disappointment; the girl he had sent for was far more fun than this one had ever been. "Harley!" he barked. "Good ta see ya."
"Spare me," she said, and walked along the south wall of the room.
"Why you here, honey?" he asked, and reached for her. "Jealous? They're just appetizers!" His hand touched her back and his voice turned to a whisper. "You're my squeeze."
"Yeah right," she said, turning around and batting at his hand.
"Ooh hoo hoo!" he said, and grabbed for her shoulders. "Stop playing hard to get, you're turning me on." Her body language told him no; no, she wasn't in that kind of mood. His eyes narrowed; what the hell was she doing here then? "Come on, daddy's hungry," he snarled, and moved in.
"Batman dropped by," she said, looking up at just the right second before he grabbed her neck – she thrust her arm out in a parry and pulled his weight towards her, sidestepping and throwing him onto the wall under the window. He hit head-on, knocking himself in the mouth. "Puddin'!" she yelled, and ran over to help.
"You've been working out," he said, standing up cold with a bloody lip.
"You haven't, geez – let me look at that-"
"NO!" he yelled, flat in her face. His breath stunk there for seconds and another wide smile crossed his lips. She shook her head. Same old gimmick.
"Well what's the matter, Harley?"
"You can stop talking to me like that," she said.
"I can't, I actually can't," he said to the floor, mock serious. He turned to her angry expression and began to contract his lips. "Fine, have it your way – you're no fun anymore, Harley."
"Bats came by," she said.
"And what did old Batsy say?"
"Don't play stupid with me. He gave me a list of names." Her eyes tried to cut into his, but they were knives and he was all diamonds. "He wouldn't tell me what they were for."
"He's such a trickster, you know."
"Cut the act," she hissed, feisty. "I'm not a kid anymore. I'm running your ship out there, you can't treat me like I'm one of your 'appetizers'."
He took a second to remember. "But there was a time…" The Joker looked up to his girl and saw that she was indeed a woman now. And also…
His teeth came out and he leaned in. "You're sleeping with someone else."
"You're one to talk, you've got a full harem coming in h-"
"Who is he?" he growled.
"What should I do with the names?"
"Is he insane? I'll make him a sack of bones!"
"Tell me about the names and I'll let you play with your 'toy.'"
"Cherub's here? Oh goody," he said, "someone who knows how to party." He turned to the door. Harley opened her mouth, but all the Joker could do was imagine his little lovebug standing there outside. Better to get this over with. "Kill everyone on the list," he said.
Harley stared. "You made a deal with the Bat."
Joker's eyes snapped up to hers. "That's none of your business."
"No, that's definitely my business. We're partners now."
"Partners?!" His face twisted into something between disgust and disbelief. "Partners. You know what I say to that? Partners, HA!"
She shook her head. "I don't need this. I'm not even sure I want to be with someone who's working with the Bat."
The situation sat there, with nothing else worth saying.
"He says he'll set me free," Joker said.
She laughed. "You're in here until the next ice age. You believe him?"
He turned quickly and violently – she jumped back. "Oh Harley," he said with acid. "You don't want to be in my bed fine, good luck sleeping for the rest of your life. You run off with your dude and I'll have my men hunt you down. They'll do things to him that would make the devil blush, and you…" He moved towards her, and she was suddenly rooted to the ground. "I want you for myself."
He reached her and she adjusted her footing, ready to defend from the attack she was sure was coming. He frowned. "You're not as easy to-"
Quickly she juked and darted around him, making for the door – but he caught her foot. She hit the ground and tried to turn, but she couldn't without breaking something. She struggled, and when she got free and sat up his face was inches from hers. He pushed his neck in and kissed her, overly dramatic. "I'll kill you with my bare hands," he said with a grin.
He let her go and she scrambled up, knocking on the door. As it began to open the Joker stretched. "Be a dear and send Cherub in," he said. "We've got some serious metaphysics to discuss."
"You know, there's something about you that I always denied," she said, "that I always wished wasn't true."
"What is it, Harley? I'm dying to know."
"They say everyone's a little crazy, and then you've got the crazies," she said. "And then…there's you."
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" he asked.
"You're not crazy, Joker. You use crazy as a costume. I know you better than anyone, and you're just a monster." She stared ice at him. "That's all you ever were."
He stared back, cold, and then she was gone.
X
Footsteps echoed throughout the hallway – footsteps he knew. The Joker rushed to the door, watching through the slit as the Bat came into view, without a guard. "Well?" he yelled.
"Shut up," the Dark Knight said, and opened the door.
The Joker smiled. "My hero!"
"You killed Scarecrow's men," he snarled.
The smile left. "I'm a criminal, Batman."
"I know what you are."
A laugh. "Then you're complicit, even!"
A cold hand wrapped around the Joker's throat. "We had an agreement!"
"You knew I wouldn't-" And a punch knocked him down.
"I didn't give you a hit list," Batman said, "I never would."
The Joker coughed. "So I modified the plan, big deal." He looked up. "You still need to keep your end of the bargain."
"Why should I?"
And the clown's eyes grew serious. "You can't change your spots," he said. "We go back quite a ways and you're always true to your word."
Batman stared.
"Please?"
And the Dark Knight walked away.
"You," the Joker said, snarling in the dark as Batman locked the cell door, "you don't play me, you bastard." Footsteps faded in the hall. "I'll make Gotham Hell!" The Joker grew desperate. "Batman, I'll do… What do you want?" But the footsteps had rounded the corner, and the vigilante was gone.
X
Harley tapped Gregor on the shoulder; he shot up, having pulled the gun out from under the pillow, aiming it at the the door. He looked to his girlfriend, his death sentence. "Is it-"
"Knock knock," the Joker said, this time with words. "Well, who's there?" he mocked.
Gregor motioned towards the window, but when he turned to Harley her pistol was pointed straight at his face. "Babe-"
The shot woke up the hotel, and Harley looked to the doorknob just as it broke and the Joker poked his head in – and she knew. That was the face he reserved for something tragic – a plan going awry, the Bat suddenly on the premises – and it was for her, because he hadn't known who had taken the bullet. Despite all the talk, the Joker had been very, very worried that she had been harmed.
They shared a gaze as complicated as nature at its strangest, until, finally, she giggled.
And he laughed, and they both started laughing; they were laughing so hard the henchmen weren't sure if they were supposed to laugh; thankfully, they did not.
"One of Petr's boys?"
She shrugged. "Just for kicks. How'd he do it?"
"One of Petr's boys who?" the Joker said, then grinned. "I transferred to a new cell, where another inmate had managed to bore out a tunnel for me."
Harley squinted. "So it wasn't-"
"Let's," the Joker said, with a twist of lip, "leave it at that."
She stared, feeling like they were young again. "Okay Puddin'." She reached for some pants. "I did my best while you were away."
"You did fine, Harley," he said. "But daddy's back." And he pushed her onto the bed as the henchmen dealt with the people outside. He smiled, and she grinned, and one of the henchmen shut the door for them; all was as wrong with the world as it had ever been.
X
"Don't beat yourself up, sir." Alfred walked towards Bruce, who was sulking by the Batmobile.
"Alfred, I killed 20 men."
"Everyone makes mistakes. This is a war; there are casualties," the butler said.
Batman looked up. "And I let that monster loose."
"That," Alfred replied, "was your decision. Scarecrow's gang needed to be stopped. It was harm reduction."
"Look-"
"And, if I may point out, he's already violated any agreement you may have made. Things are back to normal; you just have to send him back."
The Caped Crusader stared at the floor.
"Sir, with all due respect, you spent more time agonizing over this than I've seen you spend in years. It wasn't a choice made lightly."
Bruce sighed.
"It would be best not to dwell on it now, also."
Batman shook his head. "I'm not hungry."
"Oh I gave up trying to feed you hours ago. It's Bane, sir."
Cold eyes lifted.
"He was caught on camera robbing a gas station in a small town two hundred miles west of here." Alfred held out a briefing. "And is currently headed east."