Chapter 10: i forgot what hating myself felt like

"you can't love someone unless you

love yourself first"

bullshit

I have never loved myself

but you

oh god, I loved you so much I forgot

what hating myself felt like.

- Unknown

When Itachi proposes regular movie nights, Sakura is hesitant to agree.

It would mean being cooped up in either of their apartments and she doesn't think she'd be able to handle that. Not that she would make a move, obviously not, but because the desire to do so would be overwhelming. No matter how many pep talks she gives herself, there's no need to put herself through that torture if she can help it. Trying to constantly balance on a tightrope of ensuring she doesn't make him uncomfortable but staying casually friendly sounds exhausting.

So she makes up some excuse of how she'd rather spend time outside than at the apartments. It prompts Itachi into suggesting going to the movie theatre, instead.

She sort of wants to punch him in the face.

And because he sounds genuinely excited to make movie plans, and no one else is all that interested – Temari had been the only other person who had shown any desire to visit the theatre and she's still avoiding her like the plague – Sakura ends up agreeing, if only to appease him.

So it begins.

They pick a theatre that is halfway between their residences. Which is all fine, except that they forgot most of Sakura's free time is allotted to Naruto and Itachi is taking as many shifts as possible at the store. For two weeks, they play the game of "rain check".

"Is this the same man you had a crush on?" Hinata asks, sucking on a mango Popsicle thoughtfully. "The engaged man who has a cousin whom you kissed?"

"Ah, yes," Sakura admits, trying not to give away too much.

They're at the park near the hospital. Hinata had requested her company because The Husband had a late night at work and she didn't want to go for a walk alone. Five laps later, though, they were now sitting on one of the benches after buying ice creams from the truck.

The days were slowly becoming longer as summer approached. At three months, Hinata was now sporting a small baby bump, and every time Sakura noticed it – to be fair, it wasn't that obvious in the uniform, only when Hinata chose to wear shirts that hugged her figure – but every time she noticed it, her anxiety shot up a notch. On the other hand, Hinata seems to have made her peace with it in some sort of ridiculous role reversal.

"Does he love his fiancée?"

"Hinata!" Sakura exclaims, shocked. "Of course, he loves her. They've been together for a really long time."

"Says the woman who believes in quality not quantity," Hinata comments lightly. "I don't mean to question the authenticity of their engagement or cross any boundaries. But I'm curious because you mentioned they've been engaged for nearly three years now? What's stopping them from getting married?"

Sakura shifts uncomfortably. She doesn't want to think too much into it. "I don't know. I suppose they just want to ensure they're both financially stable first."

Hinata hums around the stick. She pops it out and says, "That's fair. It's good that they're being rational about it."

Sakura looks at her suspiciously. That tone was anything but good. "Spit it out."

Hinata spits out the Popsicle. Laughing, Sakura pokes her on the shoulder. Hinata grins, sort of embarrassed at her own joke. But she does eventually answer.

"I just mean that weddings don't need to be grand, do they? Some couples simply register it, because the point is not the wedding, it's the marriage that follows it. And wouldn't it make more sense if they're both earning to keep one house running, rather than living in two different cities and trying to maintain two? At this rate, it's obviously going to take time."

This whole conversation is unsettling her. For some reason, she feels immensely guilty for discussing Itachi's personal life. The fact is that neither Sakura nor Hinata truly know about Itachi or Izumi's situation. Analysing it at face value just makes her feel awful.

"But they should be their own person first," Sakura finds herself defending the couple. There's no doubt in her mind that they both love each other, especially after witnessing it first hand over Christmas. "Izumi just started a new job, which she loves. Itachi is finding his feet back in swimming after years. Getting married now just for the sake of it… when they're doing well in their professions–"

"Who said marriage means you can't be your own person?" Hinata frowns, cutting her off. She doesn't sound argumentative, just pleasant in her inquiry. "Sakura, as a married woman, granted that I haven't been married for long, but I can tell you that our finances improved when we both pooled our incomes together. Because you need one of everything instead of two. Not to mention that at the end of the day, even if one of us gets a job in another city, we'd either relocate together or not take the offer. We'd want to keep the relationship alive more than we'd want to stay apart for the sake of a job."

"They're making it work, though," Sakura counters. "Long distance relationships can work out, if you're both equally invested, right?"

"And for how long do you think this will last?"

Sakura has nothing to say to that.

Hinata continues in a gentler voice. "If they had been dating, their situation makes absolute sense. But engagement changes things, or at least, it should. Why isn't Itachi moving to her city? He has no reason to stay here. I'm sure he can train someplace else."

Sakura doesn't know because she had not thought of it like that. Hinata is right, though. Why is Itachi staying here? For Sasuke? But Sasuke has Naruto and wouldn't he encourage Itachi to live with his partner, as well? Because Itachi has lived here for so long and doesn't want to move? Because he likes this city? That doesn't make sense, either, because wouldn't he love Izumi more than he likes a city?

She wonders if she can ask him. If she's earned that right yet.

Or maybe she's the last person who'd ever have any rights.

Sakura's next date is a handsome, well-groomed entrepreneur who established his business at the tender age of nineteen, and has distractingly thick eyebrows. And not the Jake Gyllenhaal kind.

They're seated in a fancy restaurant of his choice with low ambient lights, shining cutlery, and hushed quiet. From the parking lot to their table, Fake Jake keeps up a constant stream of the restaurant's cuisine, its history, and how much he loves their sushi.

As soon as they're seated, he attempts to explain the menu to Sakura, who, now at her breaking point already, smiles sweetly at him, and tells him exactly which wine she wants with her meal, year included, pronouncing every single syllable flawlessly.

Thank fuck for Tsunade.

Fake Jake appears a little stumped but then gathers himself. He proceeds to explain his business to her and Sakura zones out in less than five minutes. When the wine arrives, she excuses herself to go to the bathroom. Bored out of her mind and thinking of an escape plan, she happens to check her phone. There's a pending text message from Itachi.

Movie?

Rain check

Naruto?

No, on a date.

LOL why are you on the phone then?

Why do you think

Where are you?

Almost an hour later, Itachi pops up in a snug hoodie, old slashed jeans, hair in a wet bun. Sakura is no longer looking at Fake Jake but right through him, imagining what might happen if she stabs the back of his manicured hand suddenly.

"Hello."

Holy shit, he actually came. Fake Jake falters in his monologue and Sakura can't do more than stare blankly. Itachi apparently takes that as his cue to take a seat, shoving his chair close to Sakura and throwing an arm around her shoulder, grinning.

"Hi?"

Itachi directs his next words to her, blatantly ignoring the other man. "I was just passing by and happened to see you through the glass wall. How have you been?"

His face is close and he's smiling so prettily, all mischievous and affectionate.

Sakura clears her throat, trying to slide into her role. "I've been well. You?"

"Not so much," Itachi says bashfully.

Fake Jake clears his throat loudly and Sakura turns to him, shushing him furiously, looking at the other table in an apology. This offends Fake Jake even further.

"Excuse me," he leans forward and hisses at Itachi scornfully. "But we're on a date here, mister. If you could please take your leave."

Itachi gives a horrified, wounded look. "Is it true, Sakura? I, I thought – this might be a friend."

Sakura winces regretfully.

"Oh my god," Itachi reels back a little in absolute shock but keeps his hand where it is. "So soon after our breakup? It's hardly been a week, Sakura! I thought – I thought we meant more to each other. I can't even imagine – I still miss you so much."

Jesus Christ, he's not holding back. With a monumental effort of holding back her laughter, she plasters on puppy eyes.

"Excuse me–"

"You do?" she cuts off Fake Jake's affronted words, not looking away from Itachi. He winks. "I miss you, too, so much. I just thought if I, if I find a rebound, you know. It's been so hard, Itachi. Without you. I hate it."

Itachi moves closer once again, now wrapping both of her hands in both of his. "Please, let's get back together. I promise I'll do better, chickpea. I'm so sorry for hurting you, I never wanted that, you have to know–"

Sakura shuffles closer earnestly. "I know, baby. And I'm so sorry, too. I want to be with you and this breakup was so stupid–"

"It was, wasn't it–"

"That's it. I refuse to take this bullshit any longer."

Sakura and Itachi turn to Fake Jake, as if just now remembering his presence. With a screeching sound of the chair on the expensive tiles, he gets to his feet, glaring viciously at both of them, and then storms out dramatically.

A ringing silence follows. The other patrons are staring at their table. A brief moment later, Itachi cracks up.

Sakura joins in, bent low over the table. That was fucking childish and ridiculous but she doesn't regret it even one bit.

They end up finishing the food and Sakura pays the bill, insisting that it was her date and Itachi deserves a free meal in exchange for his services. The food is, in fact, quite delicious and Fake Jake might have been a self-centred boring guy, he certainly had good taste.

"Hey," Itachi says once they step outside in the evening light. "Since your date was a bust, want to go for that movie?"

Sakura looks down at herself. She's way too overdressed.

Itachi notices it. "You look fine. Here, take my hoodie on top if you want."

Without waiting for a response, he tugs at the hem and pulls the grey hoodie up and out, wincing slightly at the motion. The T-shirt underneath is a well-worn, faded black.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just some muscle ache. I upped my training a bit."

Sakura takes the hoodie and tries not to panic at the turn of events. It falls halfway down her thighs but it's better than the fancy top she'd chosen for the date.

They locate a theatre at a distance where taking a cab wouldn't be worth it but the walk is longer than they had hoped. But since it's decided now, and the next show is forty-five minutes later, they start the slow trek.

The streets are not as packed, post dinner, but there is a light crowd, coming in and out of bars, grocery stores, and small cafes. The air smells of city, a combined delicacy of junk food, air conditioners, and cigarettes. Maybe Izumi's city doesn't have decent swimming pools for practice. Maybe Kakashi doesn't want to relocate and Itachi doesn't want to change his coach. Maybe Itachi wants to stay away, for some reason, or maybe he's mad that she decided to leave.

Maybe, maybe, maybe.

It still doesn't mean it's any of her business.

She stuffs her hands in the front pockets. The conversation is mild and borderline silly between them, as Sakura imitates Fake Jake while she retells her date and Itachi is nothing less than an enthusiastic audience.

"Wait, what was his business again?" he asks between fits of laughter.

Who the fuck knows. She certainly forgot already. "A ghostbuster app."

"A ghostbuster app?"

"Exactly," she nods. "To bust ghosts."

"And it went big?"

A couple is approaching so Sakura and Itachi split apart to make way, before drifting closer once again.

"Very big. Huge success."

"That sounds rather helpful," he says, trying to sound serious while clearly holding back a grin.

"I know, right?"

"I should recommend that to Inabi. She'd be so thrilled to learn that she can now safely detect ghosts around her."

"Inabi?"

Itachi hums. "My cousin. She loves ghosts. Every time Shisui declares Ghost Story Time, Inabi becomes so excited that she leaves."

"Sounds lovely," Sakura agrees.

The door of a bar opens on the right as a woman steps out and loud cheering can be heard before it shuts.

"Must be a match," Itachi remarks. "Do you follow any sports?"

"Will you be offended if I say no?"

He laughs, ducks his chin. "No."

"Well, then, no." A moment later, she asks casually. "Do you?"

He reels back in shock. "Me and sports? Absolutely outrageous."

Now it's her time to laugh. He's clumsy in his theatrics, which makes it even more hilarious. Sakura asks more about his cousins since Temari and Gaara are the only ones she knows. It sounds like he has a big family whom he genuinely likes.

"Wait, wait, wait," she's saying at one point, holding up a finger. "Who is older? Naori or Obito?"

"Naori," he says. "Let's consider Inabi as baseline–"

She snorts. "Sure."

"When she was born, I was eleven, Sasuke was… nine. Shisui would have been… seventeen, I guess, which would make Naori sixteen. Obito is three years older than me, so he'd be fourteen."

"What about Gaara and Temari?" she asks. "I assume they're your maternal cousins?"

"They are," he confirms. "Gaara was just born a few months earlier. So Temari was probably seven or eight?"

"And all of you grew up together?" she asks, eyebrows raised and sort of impressed. "As in, one big happy family?"

That makes him laugh the hardest until then during the course of their evening. "Happy? Debatable."

Which prompts Sakura to needle further, because this is downright fascinating, and Itachi relents. He explains that, yes, he had a good bond with his cousins, still does, but the drama amongst the parents was sometimes ridiculous. Apparently, Miura Suzume, Shisui and Naori's mother, tried to convince their father, Uchiha Kawaki, who is Itachi's uncle, to break away from the family because Itachi's father, Uchiha Fugaku, wouldn't give him an equal share in the hereditary property. But Uchiha Kawaki refused to do any such thing because he wasn't interested in the property and anyway, he had done well for himself.

Then there's Obito's father, Uchiha Asahi, who had Inabi out of wedlock. Granny Himari ran away after giving birth to her two sons so Grandfather Madara raised them all on his own. It made him take an avid, helicopter-adjacent interest in his sons' life, and he instilled that value in the rest of them.

"It's good, in a way," Itachi admits. "When I imagine my childhood without the rest of them, I think it would have been very boring. I'm not saying that you should control what your family members do, I just think it's nice to have a large support group from the get-go. Even if they're all a little messed up, they're looking out for you."

Just as Itachi is telling her about Yashamaru and Rai, the gay couple who adopted an orphan, and gave him the other partner's family name, they reach the theatre.

Itachi insists on paying for the tickets since she paid for the expensive dinner. They even decide to indulge a little and buy a pack of M&Ms at the concession stand before entering the dark room.

The theatre is lightly packed at this time of night, not too crowded but not exactly empty, either. They take seats somewhere in the middle. On Sakura's side, a couple is sitting two seats down. On his side, there's a small group of college-aged friends.

It's a suspense, thriller movie. Sakura thanks her lucky stars that Itachi didn't insist upon a romantic movie. Valentine's had been hard enough.

Sakura sits with her hands tucked between her thighs to avoid any awkward moments on the armrest. Which makes Itachi free to use it and she resolutely doesn't move an inch for an hour. Neither of them speak, engrossed in the suspense, but a movement on her left catches her attention.

The couple is making out in earnest.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Barely holding back an angry sigh, she stiffly continues to watch the movie, now acutely aware of the noises from them and Itachi's presence to her right. It becomes worse when the boy sticks his hand under the girl's shirt, making her moan slightly.

"Oh my god."

Itachi leans down sideways. "What?"

Sakura makes a subtle jerk to her left, keeping her eyes on the screen. Itachi follows her direction. He sort of twitches before settling back in his seat speechlessly.

As soon as the interval lights come on, Sakura shoots up from her seat and glares at the couple. The girl is hastily adjusting her bra and the boy looks like he's just gotten lucky. Sakura falters. They're young, must have just graduated high school. She can't blame them for being enthusiastic just because her dating life is shit.

"Come on," Itachi says, tugging her slightly. "Let's step out for a bit."

Outside, Itachi pulls out his phone and excuses himself. He feels bad for leaving Sakura like that when he was the one who insisted on going to the theatre, but watching the young couple made him miss Izumi, like a physical stab in his chest. They'd been like that, young and so in love.

And he hates that they're in the middle of a fight. He knows that she isn't wrong in wanting to make an impression on her team, but when her job obligations are ruining their plans, it's leaving a bad taste in his mouth.

He walks near to where the washrooms are and dials her number. She picks up at the forth ring.

"Hello?" she sounds exhausted.

Frowning, Itachi rechecks the time. It's 9.20 PM. "Hey, you're still at work?"

"Itachi, not now," she sighs. "I just. I have a deadline coming up so I'm forced to pick up my team's slack. If this doesn't get done, I'm the one the upper management will hold responsible–"

"Hey, hey, hey," he interrupts softly. "I'm not calling you to fight. I just, I just really miss you."

There's silence on the other end. Itachi swallows nervously.

Then Izumi's voice comes through, smiling and grateful. "I miss you, too. Where are you? At the store?"

"No, I'm at the movies with Sakura," he says. "Her date was sort of a stuck up so I went to intervene–"

"What do you mean, intervene?" she asks in confusion.

Itachi rephrases, trying to explain better. "I went to help her out."

"Like, actually go there?" Now she sounds skeptical.

"Yeah," he says carefully. "I was done with my practice and didn't have a shift at the store. I had asked her if she wanted to go for a movie, but she said she was in the middle of a terrible date. So I went there and we got her out, which was hilarious, and then decided to come for the movie."

"Babe," Izumi says exasperatedly. "She's a big girl. She doesn't need you baling her out of dates."

"I know that," he says a little defensively. "I never said she needed me to. I told you, I was free so I figured I'd go–"

"So you volunteered?"

"Yes. Why is it a big deal?"

"Why is it not?" she argues. Her earlier frustration with him is coming back. "How did you bail her out?"

Itachi squirms. He doesn't regret it, he still thinks it was hilarious, but Izumi's tone is putting him on the fence. "We pretended to be exes who weren't over each other."

"And now you're at the movies with her," she states flatly. "Is it a pity offer? Since her date went bust?"

"What? Of course, it's not a pity offer," he says, his own annoyance rising. "I told you I wanted to go. Besides, Sakura is my friend. What if I did offer to cheer her up?"

Izumi takes in a deep breath on the other side. "This is. I don't know if I'm overreacting or I'm too tired to think straight. This is just not a good time. I'm sorry, Itachi, but I just – I'll call you when I'm well slept and well fed. Maybe I'd find this hilarious then."

Itachi shuts his eyes against the hurt in his chest. "Yeah. Yeah, no problem. Uh, call me, okay?"

A brief pause meets him.

Izumi breaks it in a softer voice. "You really missed me?"

"I did," he says quietly, fingers clutching the device. This is all Izumi is more often than not, a piece of metal he can hold in his palm and a voice on the other end. "I saw this couple. They were making out. Reminded me of the times when we would go for movies and come home without watching it."

Her laugh is brittle and watery. It makes his heart squeeze. "I love you."

"I love you. Take care of yourself, okay?"

"I will."

He cuts the call. When he finds Sakura again, she's studying the posters of upcoming movies, looking small and warm and ridiculous in his hoodie. Is he really crossing any boundaries? He was just having fun, he had never intended to offend Izumi in the process. He wonders how he would have reacted if their roles were reversed. If Izumi had went to help out a friend by pretending to be their ex.

It doesn't sound all that incriminating even then. It would have been an issue if they'd had to be physically closer to prove their fake relationship, which Itachi didn't do, either. Does an arm around the shoulder and holding her hands count? Objectively, it sounds bad, holding hands. But it had been brief and went with the flow, and it didn't feel wrong when he was doing it.

Maybe he's overthinking it. Maybe Izumi is just tired.

He should just focus on the evening for now. It has gone really well until now and Itachi enjoyed himself immensely. The more time he's spent with her, the more he has realised that his past deduction of Sakura's coolness have come down a notch, sort of like someone removing a filter from their eyes. It doesn't matter, though, because somehow, that makes her even better.

More human, more real.

More reachable.

Itachi has no doubt in his mind anymore that there's more to Sakura's past than she lets on. She's quick in her jokes like she's constantly on the defence. He knows for a fact that that doesn't just happen overnight. Whatever the case might be, though, she's still sort of a wonderful person.

Not with a celebrity status like before, but more like… here is a person I happened to befriend and she'll make your life more colourful by being in it.

"Ready?"

Sakura turns and notices him. Cracks a smile. "I just hope they don't go third base."

He shakes his head, fond, and laughs.

After that first movie night, Sakura finds herself making regular plans over the next few weeks.

Sometimes, Naruto and Sasuke join them. Sometimes, Konan would come just to piss them off with more comments. Sometimes, Sai's quiet, stoic company kept them entertained. Ino never comes, though, mostly due to the fact that the Spring Mashup of her dance studio is looming closer and closer.

So when Karin and Temari agree to accompany, on a fine day in March, Sakura makes up a last minute excuse and cancels on them.

Neither Karin nor Temari confront her over it, which is a good thing, but Itachi asks if she's going on another date, and she lies and says yes.

He laughs on the other end of the phone call. "Call me if you need another rescue mission."

"I will."

She hangs up and spends the evening cooped up in her empty apartment, restlessly pacing through the rooms, feeling on edge. She shouldn't have lied. She should have just said she's not feeling up for it or something, but that would have been suspicious because no one would believe she wasn't in the mood for a good movie, and certainly not Itachi.

Since she's lied, anyway, she opens up the dating app. Her heart is thumping in her chest as she scrolls through her chats. There were some promising ones and there were others, who had clearly stated they were looking for a hook up.

Maybe that's what she needs. A good fuck to stop feeling so fucking agitated. To stop noticing Itachi's eyelashes or the shape of his lips. His slim hips and broad shoulders. His innately warm gaze and fond, exasperated grins.

The man agrees to come to her apartment in an hour.

Sakura steels herself, trying to stave away the clenching of her ribcage. She has no reason not to sleep with someone else. In fact, she has every reason to sleep with whoever she fucking wants if it means she doesn't accidentally blurt out something ridiculous like, you have beautiful cheek muscles. Or the fact that you don't consume processed sugar is far too endearing.

Until her hook-up is due to arrive, Sakura goes to the bathroom to groom herself, before remembering that she doesn't need to. She's been doing it regularly for Naruto's session for weeks now. So she tries to decide on what to wear or whether to put on any make up, jazzy music, candles, or one of her sexy lingerie under a robe –

The doorbell rings.

Fuck.

She's really doing this.

To be on the safer side, Sakura has made sure that the man doesn't resemble Itachi in the slightest. He's a driver with ash blonde hair, bright blue eyes, and a stocky physique.

The first thing he does when he enters is ask, "Is that weed I smell on the staircase?"

Sakura takes a sniff even though she already knows. "Yeah. The neighbours on the fifth floor might be into it."

He raises his eyebrows in question. "Mind if I go buy a joint?"

Sakura stares. "Sure. I'll keep the door open."

He returns with a lit joint. On the couch, he offers it to Sakura who shakes her head. He shrugs and continues to smoke languidly. The smell is strong and stifling and the more he smokes, the more handsy he becomes.

At first, it's an arm around her shoulder. Then the arm starts to move up and down, inching closer and closer towards her hips. Sakura sits absolutely still, anticipation running across her skin. Then he dips his fingers in the waistband of her pants, touching the curve of her hip.

When he finally reaches between her legs, Sakura opens them wide, arching her back, and he cans the joint on the makeshift ashtray before diving down to kiss her properly.

He smells of weed and his tongue is thick with the flavour. Perfect. She doesn't think of chlorine and winter for the rest of the night.

Sakura wakes up alone in bed with Sasuke frantically calling her.

"He can't move, Sakura," he says thickly on the other end. "He can't fucking move."

Sakura is already scrambling out of her bed, searching for clothes. "Call an ambulance. Get him to Senju General and request for Dr. Nagato. I'll see you there."

An hour later, Sakura rushes through the front door of the hospital. After a quick inquiry at the reception, she learns that Itachi has already been admitted. She forgoes changing into her uniform and goes directly to the Neuro Department.

Sasuke and Naruto are sitting in the hallway. They jump to their feet when they see Sakura, rumpled and tense.

"Who is his usual doctor?" she asks, skipping over the preamble. "The one who treated him after the accident?"

"That was Dr. Orochimaru," Sasuke says anxiously. "But he's no longer in the country. He left to practice internationally. I have all his files, though. I gave them to the nurse who came looking."

"Do you know the name of the nurse?"

Naruto nods. "She said Hinata."

"That's your friend, right?" Sasuke turns to her.

Sakura sags a little in relief. It's stupid, she knows, all the nurses are competent, except for Tenten, and maybe that's what she was worried about anyway.

"Yeah. Don't worry, he's in good hands."

Sasuke nods, collapsing back on the bench. Naruto excuses himself to get coffee and Sakura asks Sasuke what the fuck happened.

"I don't know," he says, swallowing. "He just freaked out and called me. Said he couldn't get up. I called you first and got him here quickly. I've asked Naruto to update Izumi. I don't think I can talk to anyone right now."

Sakura breathes out shakily. "Has this ever happened before?"

He shakes his head.

They sit in silence for a bit. Eventually, frustrated and sounding a little helpless, he says, "Dr. Orochimaru had warned him not to be stupid. He explicitly told Itachi that it's a gamble to go back to swimming. Itachi was too stubborn, though. He just – he refused to listen to us.

"What if he never swims again?" Sasuke continues in a brittle tone. "He was finally getting somewhere, and what if he has to give it all up?"

"We don't know that yet," Sakura says. She tries to sound as placating as possible but the truth is that, she's sort of beyond freaked out herself. "Let's wait to hear the report first. It might be a temporary event, maybe he overexerted in the last few days with his training, maybe he pulled an incorrect stroke. We don't know. Don't think of the worst yet."

"You're not going to go in?"

"I can't," she tells him honestly. "I can't be a part of his treatment team since we have personal relations. It's not exactly a law but it's highly recommended. Besides, trust me. Dr. Nagato is good."

Then he gives her a look. "Why do you smell like weed?"

She purses her lips. "Long story."

Naruto arrives before Hinata does with two coffees. He says he's called Izumi, who expectedly freaked out and demanded to be kept in loop. He says she's trying to book the earliest flight but it could be a while. They drink their coffee in silence.

Then fifteen minutes later, Hinata walks up to them, all professional and calm. "We're taking him in for a few tests–"

"Like what?"

She smiles at Naruto. "MRI, for starters. His blood work is in process but we've asked them to hurry it up. I need to ask you a few questions, if that's okay."

Sasuke nods.

"Does he do drugs? Marijuana, meth, cocaine? Anything at all?"

Sasuke blanches. "What? No, of course, he doesn't," he says angrily. "He's a swimmer."

Sakura winces, stepping forward in apology. "Sasuke–"

Hinata waves her away. She keeps her smile, continues, "These are routine questions we need to ask close family members or friends. Mr. Uchiha has already answered them for us but we need to make sure. Drugs are known to have neurological effects on patients."

Sasuke doesn't respond.

"You reported that this has never happened before, correct?"

He nods stiffly. "It hasn't. Ever since his surgery, he's never complained about being unable to move."

"Any other complaints, apart from that?"

"Muscle aches, I guess," he frowns. "But that's nothing – I mean, he trains every day. There's no way of knowing if it's due to his injury or because of his exertion."

"Thank you. I'll be sure to ask if we have any more questions."

When she turns to leave, Sakura catches up to her. "Hinata–"

She turns to Sakura, still sporting that professional look on her face.

Sakura blinks, feeling wrong-footed. "Um. Just. Anything else I should know?"

Hinata smiles apologetically. "I'm sorry, Sakura. You know I have to treat you as a family member in this case, right? I can't tell you any more than what I can tell his brother."

"Right," she gulps. Well, that didn't help. "No, you're right. Uh. Thanks."

Sakura returns to the bench. Ignoring the expectant looks from both Sasuke and Naruto, she pulls out her phone and dials Tsunade.

Time to get some specialized treatment.

The hospital can go fuck itself.

Sakura remembers the first time she questioned what the white circle hanging in the sky was. It was pretty enough that she wanted to touch it but didn't know how. Moreover, it changed shapes over nights. What she did understand was that she'd have to either fly like the birds or somehow grab the altering circle instead to tug it down.

That's the moon, her father told her warmly. He proceeded to circle around her, arms wide, huge grin on his face, laughed. The moon circles the earth like this.

I'm earth?

He was still spinning when he replied, if you want to be.

She thought about it. Then she looked up at the sky and asked what the tiny dots were.

That made her father pause. He scooped her up on his shoulders and raised one hand to point at said objects in question. Those are called stars. They are far, far away from earth.

The stars twinkled. Sakura fell in love. I want to be a star.

Sakura became estranged from her parents when she was eighteen.

It wasn't just one or two things that triggered her into running away from her home in the middle of the night. Things had been building up for years, and if given a proper thought, she might trace it all the way back to her childhood.

Truth of the matter was that Sakura wasn't an easy child.

Her father always joked about how she came out of the womb, kicking and screaming, not crying, but in mounting rage. As though she hated the world from the get-go and wanted nothing more to do with it, if she had any say in the matter. Everyone rubbed her off the wrong way, her mother had a hard time feeding her milk, and she fussed up whenever the nurse approached her.

Growing up had been equally torrid, if not more.

Sakura couldn't count the number of times she'd been pulled out of class for disruption and snarky remarks. All the kids around her were either intimidated by her, hated her, or wanted nothing to do with her. When she tried to make friends, they didn't last all that long because why can't you ever take anything seriously? Stop hitting me, you psycho! I'm going to tell Miss you painted on her car!

She said I'd be a loser all my life, Sakura yelled, resolutely drawing a large F**K U on the blue Suzuki. Just wait. I'm going to fly to the stars when I'm big.

That's what she always said.

Her mother, Why didn't you finish your homework?

I was watching the space programme.

Sakura, she'd say in exasperation, do you want another detention?

I don't care. I'm going to fly to the stars when I'm big. Who cares about detention?

Her mother sat down on the edge of the bed, fingering the rolled up astronomy chart. How will you go to the stars if you don't study?

This is English, Mom! There'd be no one in space to correct my antonyms.

When she was seven and wouldn't sit in class for longer than forty-five minutes, her parents took her to the school counsellor. At first, the counsellor asked her basic questions. What is her name? How old is she? Does she like school? Does she play? What are her favourite games?

She was put in Behavioural Therapy until she was twelve. It helped, a little, mostly because they realised Sakura would sit in one place if you put on a show or movie. She'd sit for hours and hours, completely enraptured, and after a while, she started doing her homework on the side. Started eating on time, held proper conversations, and still insisted that she'd go in space one day.

"I keep messing things up. I don't intend to but it's just this – this hunger to prove something, I don't know what."

That was the most honest she'd been in a while, to herself and to another individual. She hadn't meant to say it, hadn't even actively thought of it. The words had simply tumbled out of her mouth, no filter, and she realised how true they were once she'd given them a voice.

It was maddening sometimes. Sometimes, Sakura wanted to be anyone but herself. She wanted to forget that she came into this world in a rage, wanted to forget that she was impulsive and reckless, wanted to forget that she loved so easily.

Wouldn't it be wonderful? If she hadn't met Itachi? Or been a better child to her parents? Or hadn't run away from home because when the call came, when the call came, she'd forgotten how to be human at all.

And it was so stupid, so fucking stupid, now when she thinks about it. Why had she left? Because her parents wanted better for her? Because they wanted her to grow into a healthy, responsible adult who made the right choices? Because they were worried that her dream was actually never going to come true? So they encouraged her towards a more realistic future. They told her doctors are important. They told her you're smart and you're stubborn. They said time to grow up, Sakura. You can't actually skip on stars.

They were right, too, weren't they? No matter how much she hated what she heard, she couldn't actually expect to touch the sun. She couldn't lazily cruise through deep space, waving at black holes. That's stupid.

Somehow, Izumi manages to arrive early in the evening.

She frantically demands answers from an exhausted Sasuke, who looks absolutely dead on his feet. Sakura drifts away to give them privacy. Naruto has already left to take care of certain personal errands, promising to be back with dinner soon.

After Sakura had called Tsunade, things sped up considerably. The test reports were processed in record time, Itachi was moved to one of the semi-luxurious private rooms, and Dr. Nagato informed them that Itachi did in fact pull a nerve, which caused temporary paralysis.

"What if it happens again if he's in the pool?" Sasuke asked.

"It shouldn't, ideally," Dr. Nagato said. "I'd like to move him under my care, if I have his consent. We could work up a proper treatment plan to lessen the possibility of this recurring."

"Can he move now?"

"Yes," Dr. Nagato says. "You have to understand that this is temporary solution. With his history, I'd recommend that he takes it easy for a week, just to be on the safer side, and it will provide me with some time to dig deeper."

"Alright. Can we meet him now?"

"He's sleeping, but yes, you can go in the room. Nurse Hinata will assist you hereafter."

Izumi doesn't wait another second. She bursts through the door, tear tracks down her face, with Sasuke following closely behind.

Sakura turns in the opposite direction and goes in search for a pen and paper.

Sakura went to college when she left her parents' home. They knew it. They knew she was getting into college but the fact that she sneaked out and left them a note, please don't come after me–

Tsunade had been livid. She'd demanded an explanation and all Sakura could do was shrug, and say that she was sick of being told that she needs to grow up. That she was exhausted of hearing how she doesn't face reality. That the only reason why she enrolled into college was to prove them wrong.

Granted, human body was interesting. They had whole universes inside them, all parts acting in tandem to keep the creature alive and breathing. She found it fascinating but couldn't stop herself from reading fun facts of universe under her blanket when she was supposed to be asleep. Couldn't stop herself from imagining how it would have been if she'd enrolled into an astronomy programme instead of pre-med out of spite. In some sick rage of self-destruction.

The guilt started to set in six months later. And then it was too late to make amends, not because she didn't believe they wouldn't want to, but because she was too ashamed. She didn't know how to get the words out, how to apologise, how to ask for forgiveness. And the only reason why she began to feel guilty was because college was tough, being in the real world was tough, being a responsible adult changes a person, and because this entire time, the whole time, her parents had been right. She didn't know how to admit that they had been right all along.

Maybe she could pay a visit after she received her degree. She could make an occasion out of it, present them with a good job offer, take them out for dinner, thank them somehow without having to say the words. She had time. She was already too late, might as well do it properly.

Which was pretty fucking dumb, turns out. She'd just been so goddamn stupid. Made all the wrong choices, all the wrong decisions, blamed her parents, and then lost the chance to rectify it forever. Because that's the reality, isn't it? They're gone and she's never going to be able to make things right. She's lost her chance and it's another regret to add to her growing pile.

Running away from home had been a mistake. But this is not.

She wants to do the right thing for once. Wants to do right by the man she fell for without screwing shit up. Wants to give herself a chance to build a better life, a life that she wants, not out of guilt, but because she's finally realised she has a responsibility towards herself. She can't make decisions out of spite, she can't let her anger rule her, and she certainly cannot sit on the sidelines, waiting for a love story that might never happen. She can't self-destruct again, she just can't.

"Have you made up your mind?" Tsunade asks her calmly.

Sakura grits her teeth. Nods.

"You have thirty days." Tsunade signs the resignation letter and slides it across the desk. "Get that signed from the Chief and submit it to HR."

"Thank you."

Sakura is at the door when Tsunade stops her. "Where will you go?"

She shakes her head. "I don't know."

The next chapter, essentially Part 2, will begin with a time skip.