A/N: This idea just popped into my head after considering the idea that Mario could conceivably be considered a member of the mafia, particularly in New York. Let's see here:
1) Italian immigrant/Italian-American son of immigrants
2) Works in a blue collar job (plumbing) that he never seems to do
3) Routinely makes use of literally magic mushrooms and other plants on the job
4) Personally knows royalty and meets with them all the time
5) Name is personally on several state-funded projects
There's probably plenty of other evidence, but that's the stuff off the top of my head.
Now, obviously, he isn't, but only he and his friends actually know that, and he's generally a nice enough guy that it doesn't exactly matter anyway.
Also, quick note on names before we get into this:
Meggy is the orange Inkling, (Inspired by SMG4, of course) Azu is the blue Inkling (They're both Agent 3, though)
The Miis are, respectively, Kyle, (Brawler) Aaron, (Swordfighter) and Sharon (Gunner)
The Duck Hunt Trio includes Kevin Keene, AKA Captain N, and the dog and duck are, respectively, Rover and Al
Female Robin is Daraen
Male Corrin is Kamui
Female Byleth is Bylese
The Wii Fit Trainers are, respectively, Michael/Mike (Male) and Jean (Female)
The Villager is named William, most call him Will (but people also call him Vill, or Bill)
All other names are canon or most common fanon names.
Meggy the orange Inkling was extremely experienced in the concept of turf war, considering it was what she did as a living when not being a secret Inkling government agent. With that in mind, she was of course extremely concerned when she walked in on Mario having a phone call with… someone.
"When-a is that cargo a-coming in? I-a need it outta Rogueport by-a tomorrow, ya know." Faint words through the speaker. "7 PM, eh? These-a Power Flowers you're-a selling had-a better be worth it." More talking from the phone. "Alrighty, pleasure doing-a business with you." With that the plumber hung up, but by then Meggy was already gone, because holy crap, Mario was talking about vaguely named flora being shipped to a place literally called Rogueport.
"Hello Fellow Kids" Groupchat
Megs is online
Megs: GUYS
Mayor? Is online
Mayor?: what
Megs: MARIO SMUGGLES STUFF
Megs: HE'S MAFIA OR SMTH IDK
CaptN is online
CaptN: Yo what
CaptN: What're you on
Megs: Bruh I just heard him talkin about power flowers or smth
Megs: To friggin Rogueport
Mayor?: Hm yeah that's sus
Mayor?: I think I've heard Redd talk about it a bit
CaptN: Who's Redd
Mayor?: Oh uh this fox dude who sells me art
Mayor?: Shady cuz y'know
Mayor?: Fox
CaptN: Huh
CaptN: Anyway Meg run that by me again
Megs: Right so basically I was doin my thing and then I hear Mario on the phone
Megs: And he's all like "I-a need-a that shipment-a now, capisce?"
Megs: Not exactly like that but ya get the point
Megs: And again, power flowers
Mayor?: That's not suspicious at all…
CaptN: Doesn't he already handle those super mushrooms all the time too
CaptN: Those are pretty legit
Megs: Yeah but like we've seen those
Megs: Have either of you heard of power flowers
Tink is online
Tink: I think I mighta heard about em one time
Tink: Somethin about em inflating him up or whatever
Tink: Said they were more effective than his old caps
Megs: Caps huh
Megs: Actual caps or what
Tink: Like the metal cap
Tink: The ones in the green boxes
Megs: Oh those
Megs: Wait there's other kinds
Tink: Yeah there's the metal cap, the vanish cap, and the wing cap
Tink: Vanish cap makes you intangible and invisible, wing cap lets you glide
Megs: Never heard of em
Tink: Mask would know
Tink: Mask
Mask is online
Mask: Whomst has summoned me
Tink: You know Mario's caps right
Mask: Yeah I remember em
Mask: They're like my masks except they don't involve grotesque body horror
Megs: Sometimes I forget you're not actually 12
Megs: Thanks for reminding me btw
Mask: Anywho
Mask: What're we talkin now
Megs: Mario's mafia
Mask: Actually?
Megs: Yeah no cap
Megs: Heh
Megs: I heard him talkin to some dude about power flowers gettin to Rogueport or smth
Megs: Apparently Vill's heard of it from a shady fox dude
Megs: Which isn't sus at all
Mask: Huh
Mask: Yeah I could see that
Mask: Wait CaptN did you ever meet Mario way back when
CaptN: Uh actually no I didn't
CaptN: I met the OG Link, Pit, Mega, and Simon, but not Mario
CaptN: I think I do remember watching his old sitcom tho
Megs: Wait Mario had a sitcom
CaptN: Yeah the Super Mario Bros Super Show
Mask: Oh goddess I remember Link telling me about it
Mask: They had animated stuff and then these live action segments where Mario and Luigi were played by like 50 year old dudes clearly in the middle of a midlife crisis
Mask: Although that's not the worst live action Mario thing
Mask: Link
Link: Sup
Mask: You heard about the Mario movie right
Link: *Nam flashbacks ensue*
Link: Uh yeah that was a thing
Megs: This I gotta hear
Link: You really don't
Link: I can give you an old copy if you really wanna watch it
Link: Anyway what's happening
Megs: Scroll up
Link: Huh
Link: Yeah no doesn't sound right
Link: Far as I know the Mario bros are just plumbers
Megs: As far as you know
Megs: Alright anyway since this is going nowhere
Megs: everyone
CaptN: Oh dear god no
Megs: We are going to get to the bottom of this
Megs: Is Mario's plumbing business a front for mafia deals
The Koopalings™ are online
LilBow: It's not
Ludwig: It is categorically not
WendyOH: Yeah nah
Iggs: Nope
Lemster: Nuh-uh
TheRealBoy: Haha no
Mort: Nope
Larper: Big fat nope
Megs: Oh
Megs: Wait how are you so sure about this
LilBow: Bruh our dad fights him all the time
LilBow: We got spy networks and everything
Ludwig: My insolent younger brother is correct
Ludwig: Our father is well-versed in all underground dealings in the Mushroom Kingdom
Ludwig: Yet another facet of the glorious Koopa Kingdom that proves its superiority
Ludwig: There is no such underground element
Ludwig: We practice our dark secrets openly
Megs: Well there goes my theory
Megs: And the rest of my afternoon
Megs: But like are you sure
WendyOH: Gurl we are 1000 percent sure
dK is online
dK: Wait a sec what are y'all on
dK: Y'all've never met Mario before he got to the Mushroom Kingdom
dK: My great gramps Cranky has
Megs: And…
dK: Mario friggin owned Cranky
Megs: Wait what
dK: Yeah no that's facts
dK: How the hell do you think he got the cash
dK: Or even knew a guy who could sell him a freaking gorilla
dK: Actually my great uncle DK Jr
Megs: Wait there's a DK Jr
Megs: And it's not our DK
dK: Yeah no my uncle, the DK you guys know, is legally Donkey Kong the Third
CaptN: Can confirm
CaptN: I met both Cranky (the OG Donkey Kong) and his son (DK Jr)
dK: Anyway yeah so uh has Mario ever told you about the first time he went to save a girl from a horrifying beast
dK: Like any of you
dK: Aside from Kev cuz he already knows
Link: Me
Tink: Me by proxy
Mask: Also me by proxy
dK: Right so anyway
dK: The first time Mario went on a wacky adventure to rescue a girl it wasn't actually Peach
LilBow: What in the
Iggs: That's news
WendyOH: Yo what
Mort: Bruh
TheRealBoy: No friggin way
Larper: Ya gotta be jokin
dK: Absolutely not
dK: Anyway the first time this happened it wasn't Peach
dK: And he didn't fight Bowser
dK: It was to save his actual girlfriend
dK: Some lady named Pauline
dK: From my great gramps Cranky
dK: And the entire reason this happened
dK: Is because Cranky busted himself out
dK: Because Mario was treating him like shit
dK: Mario beat him up and locked him up again
dK: So then his son DK Jr
dK: Who was at the time still a friggin gorilla toddler
dK: Ran in and busted his dad out
dK: Then they fled to DK Isle and started the Kong Clan
dK: Or, well, fled back
dK: Anyway uh last I checked Pauline
dK: Mario's original girlfriend
dK: Broke up with Mario probably after finding out about all the animal abuse
dK: Now she's mayor of New York or whatever
dK: Anyway yeah I can 100% buy that Mario is mafia
dK: I rest my case
dK is offline
Megs: OK whomst'd've
PokeRed is online
PokeRed: As a guy who knows a guy with a yakuza dad I could see it
Megs: Wait you know a yakuza guy's kid?
PokeRed: You know Giovanni right
Megs: Yeah, old boss of Team Rocket
PokeRed: Well after I took him down I met some kid named Ethan, goes by Gold
PokeRed: He told me he met a kid named Silver who turned out to be Giovanni's kid
PokeRed: So that was a thing
Megs: Huh
Megs: Anyway so since Diddy went and dropped a giant lore bomb on us
Megs: What do we do now
PokeRed: I would say try and take Mario down
PokeRed: But that would probably just end with us on the business end of his hammer
PokeRed: Or Luigi's hammer
LilBow: And take it from us
LilBow: You do not want to take the hammer
Megs: Hm…
Megs: Wait hang on LilBow how did you and your bros and sis not know about this
Iggs: We're just as confused as you are
Iggs: Maybe our dad knew and just didn't say but that makes no sense
Iggs: If there's one thing I know about dad it's that he loves to talk about Mario doing bad stuff
TheRealBoy: I think it's cuz mom doesn't know either
Megs: Mom?
CaptN: You're not talking about Peach are you
WendyOH: Who else?
Megs: Huh
Megs: Anyway so Peach doesn't know about this other
Megs: And presumably neither does Daisy or Rosalina or any of the other people Mario knows except Luigi
Megs: Wait what about Wario and Waluigi
Megs: How would they not know
Link: After Mario beat the piss outta Wario that one time Wario went mostly straight
Link: WarioWare is a legit company with its own issues probably
Link: But dabbling in illegal activity with a boss with a shady past is not a good look
Link: I think they fund most of the Mushroom Kingdom's sports events
Link: Like aside from Mario Kart and the Olympics
Link: Waluigi meanwhile doesn't really care about Mario as much as he does Luigi
Link: And Luigi mostly just does what his brother does
Megs: Alright so assuming Mario is mafia
Megs: The list of people who know is Luigi who is presumably also mafia
Megs: The Kongs
Megs: Pauline maybe
Megs: And now everyone in the chat
Megs: He has somehow managed to keep this from his current girlfriend and the princess of her own nation Peach, Rosalina, the literal space goddess, his archenemy and his family, the Koopa line, and then his opposite and his… relation Wario and Waluigi
Megs: What the heck
Megs: How does at least Peach not know
Link: Beats me
Link: So what now
Megs: I think there's only one choice
Megs: We tell Peach
Megs: That should handle it
Link: Alright
Link: Who wants to volunteer
CaptN: I think I will
CaptN: No offense to you guys but I'm not necessarily sure she'd treat you as credible sources
CaptN: Link, you may have known him the longest but I assume modern day gangster dealings are not your field of criminal expertise
Megs: Alright, let's go
Everyone is offline
Later…
"Hey princess, there's something important I need to tell you," Kevin said.
"Oh, what is it?" asked Peach.
"So… we're not totally positive but a lot of us think Mario might be part of the mafia." Kevin explained.
"The actual mafia?" Peach asked with a tilt of her head.
"Yeah, pretty much," Kevin nodded.
Peach scoffed. "Utterly ridiculous. I would absolutely know about this if it were true."
"You sure?" Kevin asked.
"I have the ability to read emotions and partially decipher thoughts, Kevin," Peach explained. "If Mario even so much as thought of such activities I would've known a long time ago."
"He might just be good at covering it up?" Kevin ventured.
Peach sighed. "Come now, Kevin, I think we both know that's a lie."
Kevin groaned. "Yeah, you're probably right. Still, you do know what Mario did before he came to the Mushroom Kingdom, right?"
Peach nodded. "He was a humble plumber and construction worker who saved his girlfriend Pauline from a rampaging animal, then he discovered the pipe that lead him to the Mushroom Kingdom whilst working a different plumbing job."
"Yeah, uh, do you know who that animal was?" Kevin asked.
"Not particularly? I believe he said it was a gorilla…" Peach recalled.
"That gorilla… was Cranky Kong." Kevin explained.
Peach gasped. She'd heard of the old, cantankerous Kong, but had no clue that the Kongs' history tied directly into Mario from back before his time in the Mushroom Kingdom. "Are you sure?"
"Diddy told us himself," Kevin said sadly. "He also mentioned that Mario was, and pardon my language, an asshole to Cranky, or well, Donkey Kong the First as he was known back then."
Peach blinked. "That… can't be right."
"Pretty sure Donkey Kong, or, well, Donkey Kong the Third will say the same thing, your highness," Kevin explained. "Why don't you find him and ask?"
Peach nodded, still processing. "I suppose I must… but are you absolutely certain?"
"I wouldn't be telling you this if I wasn't, your highness," Kevin sighed. "Maybe talk to Mario about it too? We feel like our theory might have some weight behind it…"
Peach sighed. "I certainly will, Kevin," she eventually said. "Thank you for informing me."
With that, she turned on her heel and left.
Kevin watched her leave, and gulped. This might cause… issues.
A/N: Am I bashing Mario a bit too hard here? Maybe, but like it's not like anything I've said isn't canon, aside from the actual theory; Mario did abuse Donkey Kong the First and force Donkey Kong Jr to go rescue him. So make of that what you will. Also, while I intended on this being a one-shot, I realized, why not expand on it? Seemed like this might actually go somewhere interesting if I let it really grow. Anyway, review with what you guys think of it! Do you believe this crack theory? Or, at least, could see why some probably mildly gullible kids would?
Also for reference on the group chat:
Megs: Meggy (Inkling girl)
Mayor?: Villager (William/Vill/Bill)
CaptN: Kevin
Tink: Toon Link
Mask: Young Link
Link: Link
LilBow: Bowser Jr.
Ludwig: Ludwig von Koopa
WendyOH: Wendy O. Koopa
Iggs: Iggy Koopa
Lemster: Lemmy Koopa
TheRealBoy: Roy Koopa
Mort: Morton Koopa Jr.
Larper: Larry Koopa
dK: Diddy Kong
PokeRed: Red