Chapter 4 Off The Bus, Onto The Poop Train

So… yeah. The uh, the New-U machines they're… they're just not gonna happen.

I tried.

I really tried, but it's just not gonna happen. Like, actually bringing people back to life, that's just not feasible. After the first ten to twelve times I experimented with the tech on ratches, thankfully while Angel was at school, I just gave up on it.

Then I thought okay, what if it acted like a Fast Travel, moving you just before you died. That got me pretty excited, so I tried it out on the ratches again.

The result? They died a couple of feet away.

So, I tried it again, but added a feature that would cause you to be injected with insta-heals, after you come out of the teleportation. And you what insta-heals do right?

They're pain killers, and blood injections. That's it.

So, after two years of dabbling, scientific experimentation, and a lot of ratch corpses, I finally conceded defeat.

It was worth a try, but it's just not gonna happen.

Probably for the best, if I actually did make it, Hyperion would've just used it to throw an unkillable army of soldiers at our competitors. And after a couple of years of that, they would have eventually found out how to do it too. Which would cause a never-ending war.

So yeah, it's for the best.

Still a little peeved though, the board still wanted me to come up with something new, so I just gave them the Quick Change. It literally only took me two days to do that, and there was almost no drawback to it.

If only though, right?

Ah well, I'm on my second life anyway, I shouldn't push my luck.

Still, it was worth a shot. Although maybe I could add like a fall recall to the Fast Travel? So, I won't be killed by heights, that could work...

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean ratch corpses out of my lab.

…

"Okay Angel, you found them?" I asked her excitedly. This was it! The big day, I've had my eye on the Vault Hunters for a while, and they should be making their way to Fyrestone any minute now.

I sent a satellite before their shuttle arrived. And since I've been on the Board's approval for the last two years I didn't need to worry about Tassiter.

"Yes, they should be arriving in Fyrestone shortly." Angel paused for a moment. "Are you sure you want to greet them personally?"

"Absolutely." I answer, as I brush my hair a bit, and straighten my clothes. "It's always important to make a good first impression."

Speaking of, let's check the gear. Awesome badass wrist lasers, check. Digi-Jacks, check. My "Handsome" mask face, check. And finally, out of that God-awful regulation gear, and back into the classic Jack jacket, and the styling brown vest over my Hyperion yellow shirt.

I could see the bus approaching already. "Show time, Angel. You already got in contact with them, right?"

"Yes, they'll know to expect you." She informed me.

"Awesome, I'll keep you posted, love you." I told her practically shaking in excitement.

"Love you too." Angel says, before we cut the feed. Okay, c'mon Jack, we're ready for this, we've got it!

The bus pulls in, and I take a few calming breaths, to get my confidence ready. I vaguely hear Marcus on his bus. "... I'm sure we'll be doing this all again soon enough. Haha… get off my bus." He finished a little rudely, in a really Russian accent.

That's when I see them, the Vault Hunters.

Roland's the first off the bus, he surveyed Pandora calmly, assessing it for any threats. Lilith is the next to follow, confident, eager, as far as Siren's go she was pretty impressive, even now. Mordecai followed after, looking a little ridiculous in his mask, with Bloodwing, hanging on his shoulder.

Then there was Brick, he's what I imagined most people would look like if they had steroid stuffed steaks, chased down with protein shakes for breakfast. Then they went to bench press pickup trucks. Brick's pretty buff is what I'm saying.

"Hey there, Vault Hunters." I greeted the four. "Welcome to Pandora."

…

The first thought that came to Lilith's mind upon meeting their employer, was that he was pretty handsome. "Was" being the key term, the mask was a little unsettling. But he seemed okay, so far.

"Hey." Brick greeted warmly, in his pretty deep voice. "You Jack?"

"I go by Handsome Jack." He said nonchalantly. "But yup, that's me."

"So, you're the person paying us to find the Vault?" Roland asked, straight to business. "Mind if I ask why?"

"Simple, Atlas and Dahl, as you probably know have had a pissing match over this planet so long, that the only crap it has left in abundance is lunatics, and predators. That's the kind of stuff my company can't deal with, but you guys can." Jack explained.

"So, what, amigo?" Mordecai asked in his Truxican accent. "You're paying us to do Hyperion's dirty work?

"More or less." Jack admittedly shamelessly. "Not like anyone from Hyperion would be much help. Present company excluded. Besides, isn't this what you came here to do? Hunt a Vault?"

"We didn't come here to hunt it for someone else." Lilith remarked, getting Jack's attention on her.

"Fair enough." He shrugged, before pointing at her. "You came here looking for answers."

He pointed at Roland. "You came here to make a difference." Jack moved onto Mordecai. "You came here to get rich, and you." Jack looked at Brick. "You came to Pandora to beat up Jimmy, your preschool bully."

They all got a laugh out of that, Brick the loudest of them all.

Handsome Jack waited for them to calm down a bit before continuing. "Everything you've come here for, I can almost guarantee the Vault can't help you with. But maybe I can."

"How?" Lilith asked him suspiciously.

Jack turned back to her. "Those answers you're looking for, I got most of them right here." He emphasized with a tap to his head. "You aren't gonna find a better expert on Siren's this side of the galaxy." He claimed proudly, crossing his arms.

"Prove it." Lilith tested him, crossing her own arms.

Handsome Jack smirked and spoke like he had practiced it at his rehearsal, even waving an arm for dramatic effect. "There are only six Sirens in existence at any point in time. Typically, female, but always identifiable by the marks covering the left side of their body. These seemingly magical warriors possess their own unique power, you in particular inherited the Phasewalk ability."

Lilith felt astonished. "How did you-"

"Let's just say I've got a vested interest in Sirens and leave it at that." Jack cut her off, waving the question away. "As for how I know about your power specifically, I always do background checks."

Lilith blinked. "Okay…"

"As for you two." Jack directed his attention to Brick and Roland. "Let's be real, you two wanna fight! You want to do something I've wanted to do my entire life, clean up Pandora." He admitted admiringly.

Brick chuckled sheepishly, rubbing his neck from behind, and inadvertently flexing muscles on top of muscles. Roland's serious face didn't change, but Jack had his attention. "And you'll help us do it?"

"Every step of the way!" Handsome Jack exclaimed proudly. "You think I came to this crap hole to watch?" He smirked at their surprised reactions. "This is on my vacation time, so heck yeah! Let's kill some bad guys."

"My man!" Brick agreed cheerfully, stretching his hand for a fist bump that Jack happily gave. Even Roland had a small twitch of a smile.

"Moving on to the other masked man, and his uh, better half." Jack teased Mordecai, who took it in stride. "The most popular reason for hunting a Vault, money!" He cheered before looking more solemn and gestured them all to come closer.

Lilith and the others hesitantly approached him as he sighed and continued. "I hate to break this to you fellas, I really do. But that Vault you're looking for? Empty." He confessed to their shock. "Well, not empty." Jack elaborated. "Just no treasure, loot, or information. It's got a monster though, a really nasty thing the Eridians called The Destroyer."

Roland was the first to speak up, as they were all still reeling. "How do you know this?" He asked demandingly.

Handsome Jack shrugged. "I've been looking into the Vaults for a long time, believe me, I know what I'm talking about."

Mordecai was the next to recover, pointing a finger accusingly at Jack. "Why do you even want it, then? If there's no reward-"

Jack held up a hand. "I didn't say there was no reward." He waited for everyone to allow him to continue. "Just no treasure, and there's not, but Vaults aren't really like opening up a prize. They're more like dominoes, knock one down and suddenly there's this chain reaction."

He looked at them and shrugged apologetically. "We take out The Destroyer, there'll be a payoff, but when you're working with Vaults, you need to play things long term."

Roland gazed at Lilith, Brick, and Mordecai and turned back to Handsome Jack. "We weren't planning on doing this long term."

Jack nodded. "Fair enough, so work with me." He offered. "And once we crack that Vault open, I'll give you each a million, and have you recognized as the ones who helped me do it." He threw an amused glance at Bloodwing. "I'll even throw in half a million for the bird."

Bloodwing preened at the attention, and Mordecai looked a lot happier. "Okay, Amigo." He offered his hand to Jack, who shook it firmly. "I'm in."

"Hell yeah!" Brick agreed enthusiastically.

"Sign me up." Roland accepted bluntly.

Lilith was the last one left, and they all turned their attention to her. She crossed her arms, before giving a small smirk, and offered her hand to Jack. He shaked it, but before he could pull away, she pulled him close with her other hand. "Just so you know, if you're lying…" She trailed off amused.

"My face probably won't be the only thing that needs to be covered up?" Handsome Jack suggested with a wry smile.

Lilith chuckled. "More or less." She let him go, giving him a more genuine smile.

"Well then, I'll try not to disappoint." He flirted with a wink. Jack took a few steps back and outstretched his arms. "So, let's get started, huh? Need to get you badasses settled at the Quick Change." He turned, pointing a finger to the station just a few feet away.

"So…" Brick started, as they made their way to the Quick Change. "What's up with the mask?"

"It's a bit personal, but long story short, a couple years ago a bandit and his turret got the drop on me. I could've either gotten plastic surgery or the mask, insurance was crap, so they picked the mask." Jack explained casually.

"Ever think of just getting the surgery?" Lilith asked curiously, a bit confused why someone would want to wear a mask for the rest of their life.

"You know I did, but it grew on me." Jack remarked. "Like, literally. I'm actually pretty worried about what'll happen if I try to take it off."

"How are we supposed to check in?" Roland asked professionally. Glancing at the Quick Change strangely.

"It's super simple, you got your ECHOs?" Handsome Jack asked them, only to be met with blank stares. "So, uh, you don't have ECHOs. Right, well no problem. I'll just-"

"Helllloooo Travelers!" A yellow box looking robot interrupted him, rolling up to the assembled Vault Hunters in greeting. "Welcome to Fyrestone!" It exclaimed joyfully.

Jack looked down and pinched the bridge of his - mask nose? - and groaned. "Claptrap, great." He mumbled sarcastically.

"Gasp!" The now named Claptrap actually said gasp. "You know who I am?! And you think meeting me is "great"?!" It exclaimed cheerfully.

Lilith had to double take at the robot's genuine wonder. She could visibly see Handsome Jack fighting the urge to shout at it. Instead he settled for a frustrated sigh, and an overly dramatic eye roll. "Yeah, sure whatever. Now if you don't mind, I have to hook these Vault Hunters up with some ECHO-"

"I don't mind at all!" Claptrap yelled joyously. "In FACT, I can help!" Claptrap then proceeded to hand out ECHO devices, and heads-up displays, to the four of them. "Please accept these ECHO communication devices, and heads-up displays! Free of charge by the Dahl corporation!"

"Oh, that's uh." Jack looked genuinely shocked. "Thanks Claptrap. Now that you got your ECHOs you can- wait a minute." He turned back to the robot while the rest of them went to check in, although Lilith lagged behind to watch the show. "Dahl Corporation?! You're a Hyperion manufactured robot!"

"Oh, right." Claptrap twiddled his mechanical limbs and shifted a little guilty. "Wellll, the thing about that is-" Claptrap continued to ramble, as Jack tried to control his temper.

He eventually breathed out and turned back to them. "Okay, it's fine. Everything's fine, are you guys settled? Good, now lets out to Fyrestone, see if we can find some-"

"Bandits!" Claptrap screamed terrified.

Handsome Jack turned back to the machine, his patience tested yet again. "No, not bandits. WHY would we be looking for…" He paused as he saw what Claptrap pointed at. "Bandits."

Four Bandit Technicals charged past them, shooting their way to Fyrestone. "The poop train will run brown with their blood!" A psycho proudly shouted from the steering wheel.

'Poop train?' Lilith gagged to herself quietly. Looking back at her employer's dumbfounded face. She could tell he was just as disgusted. "You might want to stay back, this is gonna get a little messy."

"Actually," Jack objected, coming back too. "I think killing some bandits would be pretty therapeutic, right now." Cracking his knuckles, and flexing his wrist lasers, he turned back to face them. "Who's ready to be a hero?"

…

Author's note: For the people who read them.

People just did not like the New-U, huh? Well as an author, and a reader, I agree. It's overpowered and makes too many dire situations seem pretty trivial. Even though the writers of Borderlands made some fun with them for a couple of missions in the game, they really shouldn't be cannon.

Although I'll mention that for the record, they were originally brought up in Borderlands (2009) in this very scene by Claptrap, it wasn't the Quick Change, they used the New-U. Even made a joke about death insurance.

Of course, they changed the plot later on so the New-U wasn't canon for story purposes, like they did in Tales from the Borderlands, and 2, 3, the pre-sequel, all the DLCs, you get the picture. The point is it ruins the plot.

But sometimes you have to see it from your character's perspective. If someone had the chance to never die again, they'd take it. Sadly, for him, but luckily for the people out there who didn't like it, resurrection isn't really feasible.

I'll probably add a prototype in the epilogue, like a million years from now, but in the immediate future, no worries, it ain't happening.

I hope that answers the concerns for the people who didn't like it, moving onto the reviews.

Starting with a Guest review, sadly whose review took like three days to show, or I would've answered it sooner: So, as you probably know by now, the new Jack's not much of a fan of Claptraps either. He's more tolerant, and less evil so there won't be a genocide… Maybe.

I'll leave that up to the reviewers, as for The Claptrap, he'll still become Fragtrap. I actually started my first playthrough with him ever yesterday, on the pre-sequel. Surprisingly useful, the game even made a joke about me playing as him.

But yeah, it was actually pretty fun, so it'll happen.

DentingZero4: I'm leaning towards her, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. Except the 22nd. Dentist appointment. :(

Ascandas: Hell yeah! Didn't realize until after I re-read it how much he was like Iron Man. But yup, that's virtually what a good Handsome Jack is. Genius, Billionaire, Playboy, Philanthropist.

Coldsan: Completely agreed. And I'll be entirely honest, I made the title for the chapter before I wrote it out, and just added a side note about it at the end. I don't even like those things when I'm playing the game, they just eat away at my cash if I don't quit/save before I croak.

I might add it in the epilogue, but that's a long way off, and it won't take away from any super serious moments.

Flitterfux: Hope you're glad the New-Us kinda don't matter to the plot, plus props to you there. Lilith's awkward flirting style was one of my favorite missions in the second game. I promise I'll add it either way this goes, if not for Jack, then for Roland.

And on that note: The Poll is…

Lilith: 2

Moxxi: 2

Kind of hoped it'd be more exciting.

But because we're nearing some pivotal moments, I'd like to lock it in soon. I'll give all the reviewers, guests included, until the 23d to vote who you want and why. In the event of a tie for these two lovely ladies, I'll pick.

Don't let that discourage you from voting, and adding your choices, feel free to get creative.

And as always, if you like what you've seen, or if there's something you'd like to see, please: Follow, Favorite, and Review!

See you on the 23rd.