Chapter 6 Nine Toes, No Balls
Shut up.
"And we can go fishing, and hiking!"
Shut Up.
"And we can go camping, and we can go riding!"
Shut Up!
"And we can hold hands, and we can fly kites, and we can play tag, and we can drink orange juice together!"
CLAPTRAP! For the love of God! SHUT THE F-
"Oh look, bandits!" I exclaim, almost relieved. They tried to surround us, grouping up dangerously, as Claptrap did the robot equivalent of hyperventilating.
"Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out." Claptrap repeated his priority mantra to himself nervously, as I charged up my wrist lasers. "Control your breathing, Claptrap."
"You don't breath!" I pointed out, frustrated at the mechanical menace. "It's the one advantage you have over us."
"Oh God, your right!" Claptrap screamed horrified. "I don't have any breath, I just have the recording of someone breathing! Damn my existential terror!"
Wait. "Where'd you get the recording of someone breathing? I asked, while the bandits politely waited for us to finish our conversation.
"Ummm, details aren't important. What matters is that we're both going to die!" Claptrap evades, while cowering behind me.
"Firstly, the details are super important, but I don't think I want to know." I retracted in hindsight. "And secondly," I mercilessly slaughter the bandits with my wrist lasers of death... I'm still workshopping the name. "No, we're not."
"Woah!" Claptrap, rolled out from behind me, poking the dead bandits. "You did it, you saved us! Now we can-"
"No!" I cut him off desperately.
"What?" He asked curiously.
"I uh, need you here to…" I look around for something to distract him, but the only thing around us are dead bandits. Dead bandits. "To bury the people… that I just killed."
Claptrap looked at the corpses, then back at me. "Why?" He asked dumbfounded.
"Claptrap!" I exclaimed in mock, outrage. "You surprise me! Were you really just going to leave these poor dead souls to rot in the sun or be left for the skags?!"
"Um No, sir!" Claptrap, eager to please, and also afraid to show that inside he really is just a soulless robot, quickly begins to move the bandits. "I'll start digging right away!"
I sigh in relief. "Yeah, you do that." I mutter, as I make my way up to T.K.'s shack.
"See you later!" Claptrap called back to him, triggering a shudder.
I need this day to be over with…
"You!" T.K. Baha, the crippled, blind old man shouted out at me aggressively, waving his shotgun menacingly. "One more step and it'll be your, heh last!" He broke up, laughing. "... You should have seen the look on your face!" He continued chuckling, all traces of anger gone.
"Hilarious." I deadpanned. "Nothing screams comedy like attempted murder."
"I'm sorry, don't get too many visitors up here anymore, bit out of practice." T.K. apologized sincerely, despite a few giggles. "Why don't you come over here and chat a while?" T.K offers kindly. "It's always nice for a fellow to have company!"
I rolled my eyes, not like he could tell, but sat down on a nearby chair. "Zed told me you knew where Nine-Toes is hiding out." I said, getting straight to business.
"Nine-Toes, huh? You after the bounty?" He asked, still interested in talking.
"It'd be a nice plus, but no. I'm looking for his boss."
"His boss?" T.K. checked his hearing, shocked. "Sledge? Now whatcha you want going after a guy like that?! Bounty ain't worth it." He warned me firmly.
"I'm not after his bounty, either." I remark unconcerned. "I heard he's got a Vault Key, can't open my Mercenary day's gift without it."
"Ohhh, you're a Vault Hunter." T.K. breathed out, relieved. "Thought a bunch of you were killed when Nine-Toes came to town."
"Some were, but I'm working with the best." I assured him. "Of course, that won't mean anything if I can't get that Vault Key. And I can't get the Vault Key if I can't get Sledge, who I can't get unless I can get Nine-Toes to talk. And since I can't even do that until I know where he is…"
"Well he's hold up in Skag Valley." T.K. finally told me. "I barricaded it a while back when the skags started actin' up. I had it rigged to blow though, in case I ever wanted to get back in."
I felt compelled to ask. "What's up with all the skags around here, anyway?"
T.K. shrugged. "It's Pandora, there's skags everywhere. Speaking of… I gave you that one for free, Nine-Toes is a problem for everyone." He tried to shift his face to where he heard my voice "But if somewhere down the line, you want another favor, there's something I'd like you to do for me."
"I'm pretty busy." I told him carefully. "But I'll keep it in mind."
…
"Thanks for the help. You oughta use the machine to sell some things you don't need and buy First Aid Kits to use on the field." Dr. Zed suggested to them, in his southern drawl.
"No problem." Lilith accepted the praise, and the advice. "But this vendor better have something good. 'Cause I've finally got some pretty great spending cash."
"Try not to blow it all at once." Roland lectured, using his share wisely.
"Screw that!' Brick laughed off. "I'm getting the shiniest shield money can buy."
"Pretty sure shields aren't "shiny", amigo." Mordecai commented, amused. Bloodwing chirping on his shoulder in agreement.
"Well then you've never bought Hyperion." Handsome Jack noted, having finally made his presence known to the group.
"Jesus!" Zed jumped, before turning an angry glare. "How long have you been skulking about?"
Jack raised his hands in defense. "I just got back, had to deal with bandits, skags, and crazy people, but I'm pretty sure that's typical here."
"So, did you find out where Nine-Toes is hiding?" Roland asked, barely phased.
"I did." Jack answered. "Gear up, fellas. We're moving out to Skag Valley, which is exactly what it sounds like."
Lilith felt almost playful. "So, it's a Pandoran strip club/bar?
"Close!" Jack acknowledged. "It's actually a small little canyon filled with bandits, monsters, and the occasional rocks. But yeah, good guess."
Roland made to speak. "What's our-"
But Brick wanted to speak first. "Ooh, boss! Hey, boss!" He raised and waved his hand like an impatient kid in class.
Jack just looked at him in confusion, before waving him on. "Umm, yes, Brick, what is it?
"Can I make the plan?" He asked excitedly.
"The plan?"
"Yeah," Brick had a wide grin. "You know, the plan of attack."
"Plan of attack?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow. "We're fighting bandits on their turf, the plan is attack."
"You stole my idea!" Brick stated accusingly, giving Jack a pointed look.
Handsome Jack rolled his eyes. "How about this, big guy. You can be our interrogator." Jack offered.
"What do they do?" Brick asked, a little dumbly.
"They hit people who give me answers I don't like, until they give me answers I do like." Jack answered him partly sarcastically, but mostly serious.
Brick smiled. "Sounds fun!"
Mordecai had a concerned look, at least he seemed concerned. Lilith mentioned he wore a mask, right? "What if Nine-Toes doesn't talk?"
Jack shrugged nonchalantly. "Then we're shit out of luck." As the group gave him annoyed glares, he rolled his eyes and amended. "Then we'll try asking some of the other locals, again. Relax. And besides, Brick's the one asking." He gestured at the man, with a pointed thumb.
Mordecai glanced up at the large man, who gave the sniper a frightening grin. "Fair enough, amigo."
Lilith took a moment to contemplate their situation. They were outnumbered, outgunned, and fighting the bandits on their territory. Territory, that they've held against the settlers, skags, and even other bandits for a very long time.
She then took a moment to reexamine her group. An ex-lance with a turret, a sniper with a bird, a guy with a penchant for punching. Their boss, a narcissistic salary man, with big dreams, and a handsome face. And her, a half-trained Siren, who's managed to avoid more bullets than she shot.
Pretty bad odds.
For the bandits.
...
'Knew I should have brought my car.' I bemoaned to myself, while walking even more, in the desert. This place was a nightmare. Why anyone would have wanted to settle this dust ball of a planet, without wild dreams of fortune, was a mystery to me.
Jack's AI was right, doesn't matter what state of being you're in, walking sucks.
"Are we there yet?" Brick was particularly vocal in his complaints.
"We'll be there, when we get there." Roland answered him, with a bit of annoyance creeping into his tone.
"I have sand, in places sand was not meant to go." Lilith informed us, looking extremely unhappy.
"Children! Do not make me turn this group around." I threaten jokingly, finally seeing the entrance in the distance. "And yes, we're almost there."
"Finally." Mordecai breathed out, relieved. I feel you buddy.
"It's barricaded." Roland noted with a frown.
"A little insurance policy, T.K., left." I told him, as I looked around for the fuse-pump, whatever those things were called. "Don't worry, he left us a present."
I found the switch a couple feet away and got ready to blow the blockage to kingdom come when a thought occurred to me. "You guys might want to back up." I warn, before carefully pushing the handle down.
"Wait!" Brick shouts, rushing up to me, quickly followed by the others.
"What?" I ask him, worried. "What is it?"
"I want to blow it up!" Brick told me giddy.
My only response was a blank stare. "Noted. Does anyone else want to-"
"Dibs." Lilith called quickly.
"Dibs?" Roland asked with a raised brow.
"Yeah, I called dibs. I get to blow it up." Lilith explained obviously, like everyone there hadn't heard of dibs.
Brick looked ready to fight, and sadly the friendly fire kind of fighting, so I played mediator. "Okay, everyone grab the handle, and we can all blow it up. Like a family."
Roland rolled his eyes, and Mordecai shrugged, but otherwise everyone seemed pretty content with the solution. We all grabbed the handle, and I gestured Brick to give the countdown. "One-!"
BOOOOOM!
Mordecai, Brick, Roland, and I all blink for a moment in confusion. Only for us to see Lilith walk away, with a sway in her step, and holding up two fingers in a peace sign. "I said dibs."
Brick seemed pretty bummed out, so I pat him on the back sympathetically. "Brick," I remind. "She did say dibs."
He gives a depressed sigh. "Yeah…"
"C'mon, let's go murder some bandits. That'll cheer you up!"
Brick gives me a small smile. "Okay."
I got a call from T.K., and against my better judgement, decided to answer. "Whooo! I heard that blast all the way over here! BAM!" T.K. laughs and cheers. "Time to give Nine-Toes a piece 'a that! I'm updating your ECHO system with his location. Come and see me once you put his bits to the grinder!"
"Ten-four, Teddy." I reply. I took a glance at the others... who already took off. "Oh, real mature guys!" I shouted angrily, as I sprinted to catch up.
They've already charged ahead guns blazing by the time I caught up to them. Brick was tearing a skag apart by the jaw… it was graphic. Roland had his turret cover him and Mordecai, as they took out some of the scouts further along the path.
I couldn't see Lilith anywhere, but given its Lilith, that's not a big surprise. "T.K. sent me the coordinates." I called to them, over the gunfire. Taking a few shots with the pistol, Lilith gave to me, back at Fyrestone. I propped myself down next to Roland and tapped him on the shoulder. "We'll need to get into that cave over there." I directed with a point of my finger.
"Understood." Roland acknowledged me, before easily returning fire on the bandits.
I frowned, still not spotting our invisible siren. "Where's Lilith?" I asked Mordecai, considering he's got the best eyes here. *Cough* Goggles *Cough*
I felt a hand grab my shoulder from behind, and almost jump out of cover. "Behind you." Lilith spoke amused. Why do people find so much joy in making me unhappy? I'm a nice guy, people should want to be nice to me.
"Ahem, right. So, we need to get to the-"
"The cave, I heard." She said, the smirk never leaving her face.
"Okay… that's good." I told her, while she just stood there staring at me. "Could you, uh, clear the way...please?"
Lilith chuckled. "He's learning." She mockingly whispered to Roland and Mordecai, before turning back to me. "This'll just take a second, handsome."
True to her word, it only took her a couple seconds to break the bandits out of their cover. Allowing Roland's turret to only take a few seconds to grind them up. All in all, it wasn't a long wait.
We stride into the cave, and I gotta say, I didn't care for the decor. Maybe it's my adjustment to the finer things lately, but seriously, these bandits are so tacky. They didn't even mount their skag skulls, they're just lying around!
How's that supposed to be intimidating!
The cave wasn't even defended. Hope Nine-Toes is still home. We march past the huts, and over the bridge, and came onto the drop that I knew would lead to the bandit chief's stage. And being the hero, that I am, and in no way trying to hide my nerves, I jumped down… heroically.
The others didn't take long to follow.
I saw the stage, and the typical mad laughter of bandits and psychos. The spotlight's lit up, and the insane lunatic with nine toes, and allegedly three balls walked up. "You woke the wrong dog!" He said, what he probably thought sounded more threatening in his head.
Let's mix things up a little.
So, for the first time since I arrived on Pandora, I deployed my Digi-Jacks. And to the surprise of everyone there, two more of me showed up. "And the world just got twenty-five percent more handsome!" They announced cockily, striding up with me to the stage.
Nine-Toes looked on confused but shot at the one to the left. "Wrong choice, sucker!" I taunted, before giving a shotgun blast from my wrist laser, which prompted the other Jack's to do the same.
It ate away at his shields, but I had to restrain myself from killing him, I needed him alive, if I wanted him to talk. "Pinky! Digit! Save meeee!" He screamed in terror.
Oh yeah. I forgot about the skags.
They jumped up from behind, but thankfully went through one of the fake Jacks. "Take care of them, I got this." I instruct the holodoubles, as I use my fists to take care of Nine-Toes. Brick would be proud.
I swing.
"Ow!"
I swing again.
"OWW!"
Then I kicked him in his crotch sign.
"Please, have mercy!"
Then I shot him in his crotch sign.
"I surrender! I surrender!" Nine-Toes cries out desperately.
"Cool." I told him uncaringly. I looked over and saw that the rest of us had killed his skag pets. "Hey Brick! Ya ready to interrogate?"
Brick walks over, looking a little uncertain. "Uh, boss?"
"Yeah?"
"I think he's had enough." Brick points out, and I glanced again at the mess of blood and tears curled up on the floor. Huh.
"Sorry." I offered sympathetically. "I got caught up in the moment."
"It's fine." Nine-Toes reassures. "Happens to me all the time."
"Doesn't really make me feel better." I sighed, before looking at him again. "Where's your boss? Sledge."
"The headstone mine." He mutters quietly, before wincing as he tries to move.
"Thanks." I told him, relieved. Bang. "And uh, sorry again."
…
Yup, new Jack's losing it a bit. Whoops!
Poll's over by the way, Lilith won! Sorry to all those Moxxi fans out there, but I promise the story will pull it off just fine.
The whole poll's ending result was:
Lilith: 10
Moxxi: 7
Lilith & Moxxi: 1
Ellie: 1
Sooo close.
I gotta tell you guys, writing these chapters so far has just not been so fun. It's been a while since I played the game, but I gotta say, it feels like the plot's a little more wooden than I remembered. I even tried reading the comic retailing, but that felt about as rehashed as this does.
I cannot wait to move it along!
I hope some of you out there enjoyed the chapter though, I work with what I've got.
So, moving onto my favorite potion, reviews!
Mr. SandM4N: That's the plan! Thanks for the review!
Theoldblood98: As long as you guys keep validating me, I WILL NEVER STOP. Thanks!
Darth Valkorion: No problem, I still remember my first playthrough of fallen empire, so epic. And right?! You know, I read a fanfic once about Rhys being interrogated by her, and it was really good! God, I wish I remembered what the name was… moving on…
Lull Meister: That was a bit hurtful, congratulations, you broke my heart… I'm just kidding! Yeah though, I mentioned that. It's a pain, but for the inevitable plot of the story, Jack HAS to team up with them. Sadly, the first game just didn't have the greatest plot, and I'm trying to make it as interesting as I can.
On another note, a little weird that you're reading fanfiction about a game you haven't played…
Onto a guest reviewer, who remains unnamed, but I like what they pointed out: I really don't disagree with you, they'd have a lot in common, and it'd be really cool to bring them together. On the other hand, if they ever got married, that would make Handsome Jack, Scooter and Ellie's stepdad.
Again though, don't disagree, just trying to play devil's advocate.
Flitterflux: Fair enough, like I said, I don't want him to die, I'm only pointing out how his death had a really profound effect on the other characters. Next to Angel, he's the second real character to actually die in the game. But yes, along with various changes, he's no longer in a position to be killed, at least not like that.
Theultimateknight mk 2: I've actually figured a way to kind of implement that in the second game, we'll see if it works.
And finally, to Coldsan: Yes. Also be safe and healthy, which goes out to all of my viewers out there.
And in this challenging time, let's not forget what really matters. Showing our love to the people who matter to us. You can show yours by following, favoriting, and reviewing my story.
Until Next Time!