Chapter 10 The Headstone Mine (No Pun Required)
You know, I'm not quite sure why I'm so okay with killing all of these bandits.
Maybe it's some lingering feelings from Jack, or some righteous and archaic form of delivering justice onto some of the worst beings to exist in the galaxy. Or even, the most terrifying possibility, this is just a game to me.
And I'm not talking about how easy this is, or how fun it can be (although it is pretty fun). No, I'm thinking more along the lines of my brain just processing all of this violence, all of this chaos, as some advanced VR game of Borderlands.
Thankfully, I immediately disregarded this theory because it is utter, fucking, bullshit.
I know what I'm in for, this whole adventure that I (not quite) signed up for. I'm probably just feeling this way because I've prepared for it. I've been building up to this moment for years. A lot of "how to" training videos, mostly.
And also state of the art, Hyperion technology and weapons, that I may have convinced R&D to loan me. And by "convince" I mean coerced… And by "loan" I mean borrow without returning. Ever.
It's all for a very noble cause.
Which makes it all okay. I think. I'm pretty sure that as I long as I stop myself from going too far, I can get away with a few morally ambiguous choices. I am trying to save the galaxy here, I have to make a few tough calls.
And slightly blackmailing some of the most absolutely morally bankrupt scientists among Hyperion's Research and Development program, didn't really phase me. Of course, neither did killing bandits.
Which is the problem. Maybe?
Honestly, should I feel bad about killing them? They're all a bunch of homicidal maniacs anyways. And he who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. Or dies by the meat bicycle, in this case.
"I'm going to wear your spine to MY funeral!" An insane bandit cheerfully announced, clarifying the point I was mulling over. Yeah, these guys make it pretty easy to feel unsympathetic.
"Pass." I denied, emphasizing my point by unloading a round inside his skull. My aim has gotten so much better. I mean, it was at point blank range, sure, but it's getting there.
Practice makes perfect.
No shortage of that on Pandora. I absentmindedly reloaded my pistol, having dealt with the bandits who previously surrounded me. I saw Lilith handling her own, facing off a Badass Psycho all by herself.
If there was anyone that could manage that as effortlessly in reality, as it was in the game, then that person was Lilith. I've said it before, and I'll probably mention it again, but that girl was unstoppable.
Occasionally you read these comics, watch some movie, or play a game about some super powered, super badass. The ones that can tackle any problem, save any day, and be back home for brunch. But actually, seeing it in action.
Words just can't compare.
Words don't show how epic it is, watching the universe's greatest Siren (fuck off, Tyreen) beat down a monster three times her size, in a quarter of the effort. Words can't make you feel the awe, the weight in your gut, when you watch someone's hand phase through someone's chest to rip out their heart.
I really wanted to lend Lilith a hand, if only to get a better look, but I didn't want to interrupt her. She was pretty into her fight at the moment and looked like she was having a lot of fun. It'd be rude to cut her off.
Also, I didn't want to risk her hand going through my chest.
I've grown pretty comfortable with Jack's body. Even built up a six pack! No need to ruin this Adonis figure via a fist shaped hole. I can personally attest that it does not look attractive. At least, judging by some of Brick's vict- ahem- combatants.
Speaking of the seven foot goliath statue made of polished adamantium, an NFL league's weight in steroids, and a sperm donation (broken condom) from Hercules, where is the big guy?
"Ahhh!" Some random, and irrelevant bandit screamed in terror, unknowingly answering my question, as I turned my head to the noise. What I saw, had me frozen in awe as well. Not necessarily in amazement, but it was kind of like watching a semi-truck crash into a clown car.
You can't look away, no matter how bad it gets, and every once in a while, you have to force down a chuckle. Watching Brick literally beat a man to death with his own skull, that was… intense.
Also, technically impossible. But who gives a shit?
Considering the fact that I recently talked the jolly, not green, giant into using a shotgun, in lieu of solving all of life's problems with his fists. Well, he might just be making the most of the time he's got left. This may be partially my fault.
Either that, OR Brick was always a violent psychopath, and just projected all of his anger onto the original Handsome Jack, 'cause he was an easy target… I like how that shifts the blame off me, but this is getting a bit too brutal.
Even by my standards, and if that isn't saying something, I don't know what is. "Hey, Brick." I called over to my own personal Mini-Hulk.
Brick paused mid swing, dropping the skull that was now catered in the blood of two different bandits "Yeah?" He called back nonchalant, taking a moment to flex his shoulders, and crack his neck. "What's up, boss?"
"I think he's had enough." I parroted the words he said to me, not that long ago.
Brick raised an eyebrow, then looked back at the gruesome scene, of bandit blood, bone, and limbs, scattered across the floor of the mine. He winced and turned back to me with a remorseful look. "Sorry. I guess I got carried away."
"Happens to everyone." I cheerfully reassure him, glad to not be the only guy in the group with a few screws loose. "But, yeah. I think we're good here."
Well, I think we are.
Haven't actually checked in with Mordecai and Roland yet. I know, I should keep a better track of my team. In my defense, when half of your team consists of the strongest man alive (Hulk doesn't exist, here), and a sexy badass with magical science powers, it's easy to get sidetracked.
So, with that in mind, I turn my attention to the Truxican sniper, who proves that as long as you have one gimmick, and an animal sidekick, you can do anything. Just ask Shaggy and Scooby, the biggest potheads alive.
Mordecai didn't seem to be doing anything, he was just leaning his back up against a crate. Making me question why I'm paying him. Seriously! This isn't Hyperion funded, you know?! I'm paying for it. Me!
I'm going to need to pay them a quarter of what I made from the Fast Travel sales. Do you have any idea how much money that is?! The least he could do is justify his paycheck.
Thankfully Bloodwing took more initiative. That beautiful bird decided, hey let's not stop fighting, just because the guys who were fighting us are dead, let's help our friends fight! Smart bird. That's why she gets half a million.
And why Mordecai will get a scolding, eventually. First I'm going to learn how to speak Truxican, so I can insult him in two different languages. Is Truxican the correct way of saying space Spanish?
I'm trying to lecture him, I think it'll be a bit hypocritical if I come off as intolerant.
Back to Bloodwing, and Roland, the man who would've been the de facto leader of the VH gang, if it wasn't for Jack 2.0, A.K.A: me. Roland had his turret deployed, because of course he did, it's his best friend, and Bloodwing was attacking from above, occasionally getting a bandit to walk in front of the turret.
How dumb can you get?
Evidently, extremely, as one bandit's plan of attack, was to bull rush the mounted machine gun. As even the weakest version of those could fire thirty-four rounds per second, I had to not only second guess their sanity, but their intelligence as well.
Not that their sanity, or lack thereof, was a big factor against them. I think that Dr. Tannis set the precedent for being relatively okay, without sanity. You know, as long as you're smart. But being insane and an idiot, that's where you cross the line.
Remember, kids! It's okay to be crazy as long as you're smart/sexy. But you can never be an idiot, there's no excuse for that. Ever. Not even if you're sexy. Beauty fades… Unless you're rich and can afford plastic surgery.
Moxxi could vouch.
What were we talking about? Right, the assembled ghost busters- I mean Vault Hunters had dispatched the rest of the goons. I mean bandits. Yup, totally unique characters and lineups here.
"Everyone good?" I asked, inspected the crew for injuries. Turning an 'I'm joking, but I'm really not joking' look towards Mordecai. And let me just say, this mask captures that expression perfectly. "How about you, Mordecai? Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." The sniper answered, and I hate to admit it, but there is one advantage his mask has that mine doesn't. The ability to hide all of your facial expressions, so no one can ever tell how you're feeling, or what you're thinking.
Actually, is that really an advantage? Seems more like a double edged sword to me.
"Are you sure?" I double checked, my voice taking an almost involuntary teasing hue. "You don't have a bad back? Maybe a collapsed lung?"
"No?" Mordecai answered, but it came off as more of a question, as he voiced his confusion. "I'm good. Is something wrong?"
"Well I hope not." I tiptoe around the topic of frustration, going for a passive aggressive approach, rather than actively aggressive. "But you can never be too careful. And that's my job, right? I gotta watch out for my workers, you're my responsibility. I think we should all do our jobs."
"No arguments here." Mordecai shamelessly agreed. Nodding his head in encouragement, as the others gave him a blank stare.
"Uh huh." I wordlessly respond, not even bothering to make an actual remark. For a brief moment, it was just a tense staring contest, one guy in a mask, to another guy in a mask. Without being able to tell the winner, I came to the conclusion that we both lost.
But Mordecai lost more than me because he literally has no idea what he's done wrong.
I was going to inform him of this when Angel called us up on our Vault Hunting channel. "Hey D- Jack, I found some history on the Mine you might find useful." I love that kid! Always helpful, always likeable, never inactive.
Mordecai could learn a thing or two. "I like the way you think, kiddo! Whaddya got for us?" I asked, as my group, um- grouped up. I really need to expand my vocabulary.
"The Headstone Mine was originally a Dahl mining site, they indentured many criminals and prisoners into working. In return, their sentences were lowered, or they're executions were delayed."
"Slavery." Roland spoke in a blank tone, his fists clenched in anger. "Because that always goes so well." This is one of the few times I've heard his usually monotone voice make a different sound. I mean, it's wry, but that counts, right?
"Not in this case." Angel responded, probably to Roland's audible remark, rather than my internal monologue/thought process. "Sledge, the bandit leader you're hunting, was originally a worker here. However, a few months back, he instigated a mass prison riot, releasing many of the other prisoners, and killing the majority of the guards."
"A few months back, huh." I said, thinking over why that sounded so familiar. "Hey… Didn't Dahl throw in the towel around then?"
"Yes." Angel answered immediately, either having been thinking along the same lines, or just smart enough to immediately see the pattern. "This is very likely the reason. I'm unsure of what justification they gave to their employees, but it's clear that staying had become too costly."
"If they even bothered to give them a reason." I pointed out, thinking of the Lost Legion, as well Colonel Hector. "They seemed pretty eager to bail, left a lot of equipment, Could be they left some other stuff behind too."
Lilith's eyes widened slightly in surprise. "You don't think…"
"I don't know." I answered instead, predicting her question from the look of her face. I reluctantly continued. "But… If Hyperion ever does manage to get ahold of Pandora, we might need to do some scouting before we commit too much."
Which was my polite, and diplomatic way of saying: If there are any remaining Dahl forces by the time I start running this place, then there won't be when I'm done. I know it doesn't seem to translate too well, but politics has to do with more of what isn't said, rather than what is.
"Yeah, good call." Lilith responded, probably assuming I meant something nicer.
To be fair to her, I am going to try the nice, diplomatic way at first. But since I've played the games, I'm pretty sure we can all tell how far diplomacy will get me. Spoiler alert!: Not very.
Of course, if they are understandable, and fair about the situation, then they have nothing to worry about… It's wishful thinking on my part, I know. But I like pretending I'm not the only (occasionally) sane person in the galaxy.
"I thought so." I shrugged off the compliment, focusing on the immediate problem. "So, to recap: Dahl fuc- messed up," I've been trying to watch my language around Angel. It's a dad thing. "prisoners broke out, and now-"
"Now Pandora is all but overrun with bandits." Angel cut me off, while summing my thoughts perfectly. "The Headstone Mine is practically ground zero. You'll have your work cut out for you."
"Never liked an easy job, anyways." I said, before rubbing my metal plated goatee. "Okay, so history lesson aside, you know anything else about this place?"
"Like what?"
"Schematics? Blueprints? Any kind of map that'll help us navigate this crap shoot?" I asked, pondering where the hell we're going. And also, where the hell we are. Mines are virtually just a series of labyrinths and excavation equipment that all looked the same.
"Da- sir, it's a Mine" Angel stated incredulously, shocked that I actually asked for directions.
"So?"
"When have you ever seen a map of a mine? Never. They're not tourist attractions, they're a work site. A work site, that's part of a constantly changing environment." Angel rebutted, and I had to admit, she made a good point.
"What about Mine collapses?" I had a point or two of my own, however. "If, and more realistically, when they happen, you need a map on demand to properly lead evac."
"If they were honest workers, whose employers cared about their safety, health, and morale, then you would be right. Angel acknowledged, before continuing. "But they were prisoners, some of whom were already sentenced to death. Dahl only valued them as resources, and even if they didn't, they were very accepting of casualties."
Oh, right. "Just… find what you can, okay Angel?"
…
She didn't find much, but Angel did manage to pull up an emergency escape route. It was, naturally, meant for upper management access only, so it took a bit of coding/hacking here and there to get a general layout.
But we got what we needed, a loose guideline to the King Bandit, or whatever their social hierarchy of anarchy makes him. I just do not get bandits, at all.
And after a couple minutes of blood, gore, explosions, and profanity, we managed to navigate our way to the top of the Mine. Am I the only one who thinks it's weird that for the most part, the Mine's on the surface?
Mining works under the ground, not above it.
"Be careful." Angel warned us, her holographic (whatever, details) projection, made herself known, as she shot me a pleading gesture. "This one will be… challenging."
"What, the last ones weren't?" Mordecai asked her sardonically, probably raising an unseen eyebrow. I hate that mask.
"Sledge is strong enough on his own, but he's acquired a very powerful shield, likely from one of the former guards of the Mine." Angel clarified, her form gazing into Mordecai's goggles intently.
"How powerful?" Roland asked strategically. His eyes narrowing sharply at the presumed threat.
"Very." Angel answered, equally serious. My little girl's growing up! "Depleting it will consume a large amount of your ammo. Do you, perchance, have any shock weapons available?"
"I can handle that." I cracked my knuckles, flaring my lasers for dramatic effect.
"Then that's all the advice I can offer you." Angel seemed to visibly deflate, her holographic form looking towards me in concern. "Are you sure I can't-"
"We'll be fine." I reassure her. Half wishing, she was here so I could hug her. But mostly relieved she wasn't, Pandora is the worst place to have a bring your daughter to work day.
"Very well." She sighed in acceptance, but something tells me Angel wasn't very happy with my decision. "Then I'll leave you to it. Good luck."
"What was that about?" Lilith asked with a raised eyebrow.
Why can't my side chats ever come off as casual? "She's just worried. She's known me for a long time." Technically, not untrue. I've never been great at lying, but I do okay at misleading. "She'll grow out of it."
"No, it's sweet. Just... unexpected." Lilith decided, giving me what I hope is an approving look.
"That's not a turn off, is it?"
Lilith just chuckled, and gave me a saucy look, resting a hand on her hip. "What do you think?" She asked, adding a sensual tone to her voice.
Wasn't she supposed to be awkward at flirting?! How did she turn the tables? "I-"
And thankfully, Roland stepped in with a cough, unknowingly saving me from looking like a total idiot. "We should go."
Lilith sighed in disappointment, while I sighed in relief. Luckily, both our sighs sounded indistinguishable from the other. "Right, let's go kill that guy."
Brick pulled the lever, and the crate wall came down, revealing! More crates. Exciting stuff. Oh, and also Sledge.
Now how do I describe this guy? Let's see, he's like the mash up of pasty Abomination from Marvel, and a Mad Max villain. Dressed in his makeshift metal armor, with a helmet designed to intimidate, with broken horns and teeth, as well as a red visor.
While leaving his torso, completely open. Why does everyone do that? I have a six pack, should I try it? At any rate, the road warrior stripper turned his attention to us, his breathing became fast and furious. "Killing Sledge's men… MAKES SLEDGE ANGRY!"
Why do the super strong guys always have a speech impediment? The Hulk, Arnold Schwarzenegger, it just feels like the tougher you are, the dumber you get.
"RAAAGGGHHHH!" Then again, do you really need brains, if you have brawns?
The answer is yes. Before the behemoth of a bandit had a chance to hollow me into a Jack O. Lantern, I shot two deadly laser beams straight into his eyes. Now I know what you're thinking, 'Jack, he's got his shield up!' you'll complain. 'That's not gonna kill him!'
Well I don't need it too. As long as my shock reinforced lasers, keep eating away at his shields, while the light from said lasers blinds him, he can't kill me. And me not dying, is way better than him actually dying.
"Guys, his shield's down to fifteen percent, but I can't keep this up much longer!" You know how in the game, there's a cooldown for the lasers, turns out that's less of a mechanic, and more of a safety feature. If these things overheat, then my arms could blow up.
And unlike Gaige, I'm pretty attached to my arms... I'm not going to make the 'literally' joke, I've already done that with the mask.
The rest of the power puff squad got the memo, and started firing at the blinded man, which is good. However, the blind guy also heard me warn them, and is now charging at me. Which is not good.
"Shit!" Barely managing to dodge at the last second, I don't ever have to gasp as Sledge slams into the crate behind me. Dropping his shotgun, and leaving behind a noticeable dent, as the bandit chief rights himself. Shaking his head off, he turns to me, marching slowly and menacingly as I try to crawl away.
"Sledge is going to BREAK you little MAN!" Sledge threatened in the third person, which strangely, made me less worried. It's really difficult for me to take idiots seriously. Even when they're trying to kill me.
I continued to back up, until my back hit its own crate. I raised my pistol to defend myself, but Sledge swatted it away like a fly. He grabbed my throat, and brought me up to eye level, rearing his fist back to pound mine into paste.
I flinched back, closing my eyes, and bringing my hands up protectively. Speaking the last words, I may ever say, at least the ones I could choke out. "Not the mask-face!"
And as all hope seems lost, Brick, that big, beautiful boy, him, rushed in like a superhero. Stopping Sledge's fist in its tracks, and bending it, with the arm attached to it, with a cringing snap behind the bandit's back.
Sledge screams in anger, and pain. He hurdled the back of his head into Brick's chin, catching my boy off guard. Sledge released his grasp on me, and I wheeze for breath for a few seconds before turning my head back towards the fight.
Brick tries to hold his own, but it's clear that Sledge was the stronger of the two. I knew he didn't have much time to act, of course I also didn't know what to do. At the very least, the bandit's shield was down, so we at least had a fair shot.
I looked around for my pistol, for anything I could attack with, while my wrist lasers were still recharging. And my gaze fell on Sledge's discarded shotgun. I all but pounced on it, quickly loading it, and aiming my sights on the bandit leader.
Sadly, my actions didn't go unnoticed. As I turned back to Brick and Sledge, I was bitch slapped by the latter, while the former slumped up to the ground. I don't know if you knew this, but it turns out, that slap from a person twice your size, and ten times your strength, will pretty much knock you flat on your ass.
Sledge growled at me angrily and reared his boot back to crush down on my skull. He probably would have too, if he didn't fall down onto the floor next, with a notable gap in his chest.
And that ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't turn your back on Brick. What did surprise me though, was that the hole in his chest wasn't fist shaped. Turning back to Brick confused, I couldn't help my amusement or frustration, as I saw what he was holding.
"You know, boss." Brick said, hefting the shotgun comfortably in his arms, before grinning down at me. "You're right! Guns are cool."
I sighed.
"They sure are Brick, they sure are."
…
"So, this is it." I smiled, gazing down at the chest placed at the foot of the former bandit king's throne. "Who wants to do the honors?"
Lilith, Roland, and Mordecai joined me and Brick shortly after our fight, sheepish, embarrassed, and apologetic. Turns out Lilith had gathered them to make her own battle strategy. Given that she's had a few good ones in the past, I can respect that.
They sent Brick out to help me, while they made their preparations, probably weren't expecting us to handle it on our own.
Doesn't matter now.
Because it was all worth it. Everything I've done, has led up to this moment. Soon, I'll be holding the first Vault Key. The one that's going to make me rich, the one that's going to help shape the galaxy.
The others exchanged a few looks among themselves, before nodding at me supportively. I couldn't help my eagerness, as I opened the loot crate, ignoring the piles of cash, in favor of the Vault Key.
I didn't entirely fake my surprise or my disappointment when I saw it. "Wait. No, no, no, no, no! This isn't a Vault Key! This is- Angel, what is this?!" I asked, not even trying to mask my frustration.
"The Vault Key has been fragmented, rest assured you are holding a part of it." Angel explains calmly. Pragmatically. Things I don't appreciate when I'm freaking the fuck out.
"Well where's the rest of it?! We're not going to be able to open a Vault with just this!"
"I…" Angel paused, as she patiently waited for me to calm down. "I don't know, but I know who does."
"Who?"
…
In an abandoned dig site, previously funded and supported by Dahl, a particular scientist wearing a red coat, and goggles, that she had placed firmly above her head eyes, froze. And promptly sneezed.
"Achoo!" Dr. Tannis reacted, sniffing the grounds suspiciously. "A common bacterium has infiltrated the dig site?" Her eyes narrowed in paranoia. "This area has been compromised."
...
AAANNNDDD CUT! For now, we'll be back in another two weeks, maybe sooner. It'll all depend on the reactions to this chapter.
I'm fairly happy with the end result but let me hear all of your thoughts about it in the reviews! Or just say hi, or whatever. We're only two reviews away from making this the MOST reviewed Handsome Jack fic.
It's already the best in followers and favorites, but it won't really be complete until I've got the holy trinity, you know.
I am sorry about the wait though. In my defense, I was working on another story, and given that it's had a moderately good reception, I'll probably keep working on it until the lack of attention is worth abandoning
Speaking of attention, you guys know what time it is!
To Alfa123: Thanks! Here you go.
To a Guest: Thank you, I appreciate that.
Bohemian Rhapsody: Pretty much, yeah. Besides, I needed a vehicle that would seat five, and apart from having to gather the parts in Borderlands 2, you straight up have to steal one in Borderlands 2. And yes, Dahl bailed, didn't even bring their luggage. Claptrap remains unloved, Angel adorable, and now Brick proves close range rules.
As for your comment on Gaige… I'm not going to say anything else. Spoilers. But you're very close.
Y45K4N1 4N: Acknowledged and understood, we'll stick to that. Family stuff is... complicated. Everyone can have different reactions. But based on personal experience, and plot's sake, we'll be going with this angle.
SevenSeasOfRhye: When I first played the game, I honestly thought that was the plan. Their actions are what created Handsome Jack, so I assumed that's what the Eridians wanted.
They were clearly capable of telling the future, and yet, all they did was push Jack into finding both vaults and awakening the Warrior. Which was made to stop the Destroyer. Then, when the Warrior died, they provided a map of alternatives to the Vault Hunters.
I only found out through Wiki, that they were trying to stop Jack. I still don't really know why, or what the point was, so I consider MY theory canon.
Radio Ga Ga: It's so easy to feel sympathy for the man, even though, at the end of the day, he's done a lot of terrible things. Truly evil things, completely without remorse. He is without a doubt, his own greatest villain.
Well, him or Claptrap.
And bear with me here, Claptrap is responsible for some of the worst things to happen to Jack. Indirectly, and directly. Getting his face seared, helping kill Angel by lowering the death wall, killing Jack by opening the doors with stairs deliberately put to keep him out, etc.
TWINKING: I'm not opposed to it, but I'm still on the fence about putting Timothy in the story. I don't really know if New Jack will want a body double, but we'll see.
Right! Well I think that does it, but before we part ways, let me just say thank you to all the wonderful people who have followed, favorited, and reviewed this fic. It's currently the 26th most followed Borderland fic on the site!
There's like 1.4 THOUSAND, so I'm thrilled!
Thank you all, and please, if you're a fan then follow, favorite, and review. Can never have too many.
Until Next Time!