Chapter 11 Road Trap
Today at this time, for just this one beautiful moment, I was feeling smug.
And it wasn't because Brick and I killed the strongest, speech impaired, hulk knock off of a bandit leader. Coincidently making Pandora a slightly less shitty place to live. Yeah, it's gonna take a lot more dead bandits to make it decent.
No. No I'm smug because I finally, finally get to do one of the things I've wanted to do most since I've gotten to this world. Well… besides get rich, get laid, and get a bitchin space office… that's on the backburner for the time being.
But right now, I get to cross off something that's easily been on my top ten list for years. I get to drive a badass Bandit Technical off into the sunset… or just, the general direction of the sun. Beggars can't be choosers.
Man, I can't wait to buy Butt Stallion and try this again. Sadly… she was a little out of my price range at the moment. Just a little!
My boys down at R&D tell me it's possible, but they're gonna need more funding before we can bioengineer her. Plus, I kind of want to wait a bit to upgrade her with some Eridium. It's gonna be epic.
But to do that, we gotta open the Vault, then kill the Destroyer, and then I'll need to convince Hyperion that the planet's worth the effort… It won't be hard, but I'll still have to do it. And to even do that, we'll need to find Dr. Tannis.
The sanest psychopath on Pandora.
Or craziest genius. Smartest introvert? Whatever, she's something. And that something is going to help me get the rest of the pieces to crack open the Vault. Really wish I remembered that part of the game.
But when you compare it to the next three games, or even its DLCs, it just doesn't seem that entertaining. Or memorable. Or fun. It's supposed to be a video game not an MMO, why do I have to do all this fetching?
Maybe I should just focus on driving the car/monster truck.
Which was quite frankly, a little more challenging than I gave Roland credit for. Why does there need to be more than TWO pedals. Also, not complaining, I was American in my past life, but still curious, why is the steering wheel on the left side?
Wasn't the game made by Australians, originally as a Mad Max production? Sure, one could argue that Pandora could still be classified as its own individual planet, and I could get behind that, except for one thing.
Elpis, Pandora's moon, is entirely populated by Australians.
So, what's up, with that? Did Pandora's band of Russians, Rednecks, and others just kick them off world, and they settled at the nearest satellite? So many questions, so little- AH! Swerving!
"Jack!"
"Hey!"
"Watch it!"
"Easy, man!"
"Sorry!" I apologized, slowing down, and easing back on the gas, before bringing the car to a complete halt. "I think I hit something, do you guys see anything?"
The others shot me annoyed looks, before diverting their attention to the road behind us… and too the half mangled body of a psycho, that is now using his buzz axe as a cane as he tries to crawl his way towards us.
"Ah." I winced, looking, and feeling apologetic. "You think there's a chance he was like that before we hit him?"
Roland took a closer inspection of our technical, wrenching the psychos legs out the wheels before turning to me with a blank stare. "No."
"Right… I should probably just take it easy from here on-"
"Give me the wheel." Roland cut me off sternly, arms crossed in disapproval.
"Okay." I sighed, putting the car in break, as I hopped into the back next to Lilith, who patted me on the back sympathetically.
Well, it was nice while it lasted.
…
"Angel, what's our current ETA for New Haven?" Roland asked on the Vault Hunters link, the first of them to use it, but only professionally.
"You should be there soon." Angel reassured the ex-soldier, most likely having triple checked the map and data herself. "According to your tracers, you should be closing in on it within the hour."
"Refresh my memory." I requested of my daughter, for both the Vault Hunters benefit and mine. "Why exactly would they let us into New Haven? If I saw five heavily armed, sketchy looking guys, coming up on me in a Bandit Technical, I'd shoot first and ask questions later."
What? I would.
"Thankfully, the people of New Haven have a shiner disposition." Angel spoke dryly, but as her father, sort of, I could hear the unspoken amusement in her voice. "They're well defended, and aggressively more organized than many of the bandits you've encountered. They can afford to hear you out, and they will… Provided you don't give them a reason not to."
"You'd figure they would have tried to, you know, hide from the bandits, not challenge them." Lilith chimed in, mostly out of boredom. Then again, she did seem to like Angel, so maybe she was just making conversation.
"They don't deliberately provoke them, and New Haven is more or less an open secret at this point. After the bandit incursion forced them out of Old Haven, they settled here. Preferring to protect themselves through unity, rather than discretion." Angel explained the settler's actions, in a way that made more sense than the Writers.
"So, they don't have a secret, hidden base?" I asked for clarification, having thought that Sanctuary had at least existed, even if it wasn't visited, in the first game.
"No… well, not exactly. Why do you ask?" Angel changed the subject abruptly, but I let it slide.
"Because they're rebels." I explained, like it was obvious.
Lilith backed me up almost immediately. "Yeah, a secret base is practically a must. Star Wars law." She knows Star Wars! I knew I liked her!
Angel, having seen all of the movies, because both Jack and I, insisted on it, merely sighed in aggravation. "Star Wars isn't real life."
I gasped in horror. "Blasphemy!"
Angel couldn't help a giggle, before she controlled herself over the Echo. "Ahem, as I was saying," Was she saying something? "New Haven is not the most… welcoming to visitors, but they will at least listen to what you have to say. I'm sure you can convince them to let you in."
"Yup." I said smugly, feeling just a tad bit cocky. I cracked my knuckles, and then my neck for good measure, laying down my confidence pretty thickly. "Just gotta work that good old Jack Charm. Never fails."
"Really?" Mordecai questioned me, whether it was in curiosity or doubt, I had no clue. Note to self: Find a way to get his mask to show expressions.
"Never. Fails." I repeat, glaring at the Truxican sniper with my heterochronic eyes.
"Okay, okay." Mordecai raises his hands in surrender, forfeiting his undoubtedly foolish argument, before it can even begin. "Whatever you say, boss."
You see? Jack Charm, guaranteed to work two-hundred percent of the time. I should get it patented.
"Good. Then here's the plan, we stroll up to the gate, on foot. Then-" That was far as I got with my plan when Brick decided to interrupt me.
"On foot? We have to walk?! Why can't we just take the Technical?" Brick whined, furthering my mental image of him being an overly buff man-child.
"Because we don't want to get shot on sight. We took the ride from bandits, remember? Moving on, I'll ask to speak to the person in charge, given I'm the least intimidating guy here-"
"Why not, Lilith?" Mordecai rudely cut in. "She ain't exactly terrifying." Oh shit, he did not just say that.
My surprise is only matched by Lilith's outrage. But in a purely calm, and in no way petty, move, she lit up her eyes and tattoos, before raising a delicate eyebrow, at the unfortunate Truxican. "You were saying something? I think it sounded like, "I'm so sorry Lilith, you're way scarier than me. All I have is a weird mask, and a bird that people like more than me"."
I gotta hand it to her. Her impression: spot on.
Mordecai just gulped, while Bloodwing flew over to Lilith's shoulder, in a sign of support, and with a sense of survival. "Good point. I'm just gonna stop talking."
Lilith rolled her eyes and cut the glow. Giving a victorious smirk, as she stroked Bloodwing's beak affectionately. "You do that. So, you talk to the boss and then…" She picked up for me.
I really like this girl. "And we'll be honest, we need to talk to Dr. Tannis, and heard we can find her, or at least find someone who knows where she is, hanging around New Haven. If that doesn't work, I could drop a few names, maybe a few bills-"
"Jack." Roland called from up front. Jesus Christ, I am so tired of being interrupted!
"What?!" I asked, frustration clear in my voice.
"There might be a problem with that plan of yours."
"What kind… of… problem?" My question almost went unfinished, as we started to close in on the gates of New Haven, blockaded by over a dozen military grade Technicals.
The war dogs of the Atlas corporation.
The Crimson Lance.
…
Corporal Reiss hated his job.
When he signed up with the Crimson Lance, he thought he was going to make a difference. He thought Atlas was going to be different. They were supposed to be, they were explorers, innovators, the good guys.
At least, that's what he thought they were. Instead, they were just like every other corporation, charging headfirst into progress. Completely unsympathetic to the lives they left ruined in their wake.
Maybe he should have seen that from the start, but the start was why he didn't. Atlas had discovered the first Vault, they revolutionized the universe, and before that they were just some low tier, almost unheard of weapon's manufacture.
It was probably naive of him, but he honestly believed that kind of rise from such a humble beginning, would keep them humble. Keep them from going off the rails like all the others. Instead, it just made them greedy. Hungry for that next big score.
And that drive drove them to continue hunting Vaults. To Pandora.
He didn't know what to expect when they first landed on the sun scorched, danger filled, crap hole of a planet. The monsters, the beasts, they weren't really a surprise. Reiss guessed they'd be around, they're really the only type of creatures that could rationally survive on Pandora.
Not that Pandora had encouraged rationality to survive. The bandits, the psychos, just remembering them made Reiss sick.
Reiss did know about them. Dahl, one of their largest competitors, had their own hunch about Pandora, first. They sent mining cities, established dig sites, deployed excavation teams with scientific advisors.
And, in typical Dahl fashioned, they hired workers they didn't have to pay. Not in the traditional sense at least. They moved hordes of their prisoners, and just a glance at some of their records was enough to make his stomach turn.
Mostly founded on the rumor that there might be a Vault on Pandora.
Atlas didn't interfere, not at first. No, they wanted to be sure. At the very least, they didn't want to devote resources to a pipe dream. A few intercepted messages here and there about evidence of Eridium involvement, and BAM. It was time to send in the calvary.
Of course, it was also around the time that the bandits who were prisoners, who were working for free, got really tired of being prisoners and working for free. They tried to lobby, and strike against their company overlords and wardens.
This however proved to be unsuccessful, so they decided to start a world class riot instead. And Dahl said "Fuck it. We're out!" Or at least that's how Reiss imagined that's how it went.
It was probably completely, and entirely wrong, but it was a thought that greatly amused him.
Naturally, Reiss assumed that he and the rest of the Crimson Lance would be sent to deal with the bandits, and lunatics that now littered Pandora. He should really stop doing that. Atlas has a nasty habit of letting him down.
No, on the contrary, instead of wiping out the violent, insane, and shirtless plague of blood thirsty killers (bloodthirsty is not metaphorical, freaking vampires) here they were, occupying a relatively sane community.
The hell if he knew why. Why should he know? It's not like he's in charge of guarding (blockading) New Haven. Oh wait, yes he was.
Frankly, he and most of the men under his command knew what they were doing was wrong. But orders were orders, and as much as he might despise the Atlassian higher ups, he literally signed his life away to them.
So, there's not much he can do, aside from inspecting everyone coming in or out of the small settlement.
Speaking of which… "Private," He addressed, based purely on the man's insignia, because for the life of him, he couldn't remember the man's name. "Why am I seeing a Bandit Technical not getting blown to hell."
"Because there aren't bandits driving it." The young bashful man answered him carelessly. Tacking on "Sir." before he got ahead of himself.
"Have them stop at the gates. I want to have a word with him." Reiss ordered, moving to stand by the gates himself, absentmindedly dismissing the Private as he did so.
For all intents and purposes, they didn't look like typical bandits. But there was nothing really typical about the people he could see.
One of them looked like he mistook protein powder for coffee mix. The other had a stupid goatee and a weirder mask on his face, with a bird on his shoulder. Then there was another guy who was wearing an admittedly stylish jacket and sweater, the Reiss wasn't sure if they were the right clothes for the dessert. Then again, Reiss also wasn't sure about the man's mask face.
They did have one normal looking chick. Well, normal by Pandora standards, so probably something buried under the surface, there. On the surface, she looked hot. Both in beauty, and in actual heat, because no one taught these people not to wear sweaters and jackets into the desert, during the middle of the day.
Seriously, what's up with that?
"You four, what's your business in New Haven?" Reiss asked one of their 'standard' questions, something he also wasn't sure about. If they were planning to do something bad, they wouldn't just tell them.
"Oh, we're looking for-" Would they?
"Brick!"
"-Supplies!" The aptly named Brick finished nervously. "Yup. Just supplies! Nothing nefarious here."
"Huh." The goateed man muttered quietly, stroking his bird's feathers gently. "Didn't think he knew that word."
"Right." Reiss spoke skeptically, giving them all a warning look.
"Look, uh Corporal…" The masked man trailed off, waiting for the man to elaborate.
"Reiss."
"Corporal Reiss, we're just explorers. Had a bit of a scrap with some of the locals, and uh, borrowed their ride. We're just trying to get some supplies and getting the hell off Pandora." He explained suavely, enough to put Reiss at ease.
"I hear that." Reiss replied sympathetically. "Who's driving this anyway?"
"Uh, just some guy we picked up along the way." The masked stranger's tone picked up a bit of hesitance to it, invoking an eyebrow raise from Reiss.
"Well, if it's all the same, I'd like a word with him." Reiss pushed on, suspicion creeping its way into his voice. Not even waiting for a reply, Reiss banged his hand against the window. "Open up."
The driver chose not to open the door, but he did roll his window down to reveal… a cowboy, with a fake mustache? "Is there an issue, sir?" He asked, before a cough from the masked stranger caused him to sigh. "Yee hah." He spoke each syllable with the most amount of deadpan possible.
Never before had Corporal Reiss seen such a strange bunch.
Thankfully for him, and unfortunately for New Haven, they didn't raise any alarms. "Go ahead." He backed off, raising an arm to flag them away.
"Thank you, sir." Another cough, slightly louder than the first. "That's… rootin tootin'."
Yup. Reiss really hated his job… but he supposed it could be worse.
…
"I can't believe that worked." Lilith remarked, clearly in awe of my brilliant plan. Removing the jacket I gave her to hide her tatoos.
"Was the costume really necessary?" Roland asked, looking at me with a staggering amount of scorn.
"Absolutely." I answered unintimidated. "If he had seen you in your old- heh uniform, that wouldn't have gone half as well."
Roland seemed to mull it over before accepting it with a sigh. "And the… jargon?"
I shrugged. "That was just for fun." Before he could really seethe, I made for a quick change of topic. "Okay, so we're here. Now we just have to find Tannis. Any ideas?"
"Mr. Jack!"
No…
"Mr. Jack, you're here!"
It's not true…
"Mr. Jack, it's me!"
It's IMPOSSIBLE!
"Mr. Jack, look it's me! I'm right here! Gasp did you come here for me?! Claptrap?!"
NO! AGGHHH NOOOOOO!
…
Well, Jack, at least you're not his dad… yet.
So, Heyya Kiddos! How ya been? We're finally through that rough patch on the site, so I can actually post this chapter. Had a little trouble because of that, with one of my other stories last week.
But it's over now, we're free!
And better yet, we're now made Handsome Jack: The Hero? The BEST Handsome Jack story on the site! Crossover or otherwise. And it's all thanks to YOU! The fans!
Without the support from you guys, I would have stopped typing weeks ago. But now, just look how far we've come!
Over a hundred and fifty favorites and follows, and almost 100 reviews, with just 5 shy. Only going up from here, I can't wait to start typing out the next games!
Now onto the reviews!
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BohemianRhapsody/SevenSeasOfRhye: My faithful reviewer, my dear friend, the time has come to sum your thoughts, questions, and comments, in as precise a way I can, while responding in full. Let's BEGIN.
Yup, Jack's got to make a few hard choices, but he's Jack enough to do it. And of COURSE, he has a six pack! Pretty much everyone in Borderlands does. Except Marcus. And Claptrap.
In general, yes. He plans to recruit or exterminate the remaining Dahl and Atlassian forces. Whether or not he does… well, you know what they say about the best laid plans.
As for the Warrior and the robot army, oh Jack has plans for them. GOOD ones. Swearsie.
And as for Timothy… okay. On ONE condition. If he gets hired, he can't get the surgery. He can get one of those holographic disguises, like the Jack doubles in Borderlands 2 had. It's the only way it'll stay ethical. Oh, and I guess he shouldn't get DNA spliced either.
Bioshock taught me that it wasn't a great idea.
As for the Eridians, wow. My short sum, they were selfless. But their creations did a poor job at following their example. I hope what I answered here, was answered in the chapter, if not, leave a review and I'll get to it. Eventually.
Irachi: Glad you like it. It really surprised me how much feedback I initially had from chapter one, but it was all so inspiring, that I keep it up to this day, speaking of, enjoy!
SomeGuy300: DemonFireX! Man, that takes me back, I still remember reading Crysis Effect for the first time, mostly because it was the first crossover I ever read. But man, his work was inspiring… I'm babbling. Thank you! I try really hard to capture the spirit of Borderlands, and it's such a great feeling to be noticed for it. I wish you well, my dude.
I wish you ALL well!
Thanks so much for reading, and until next time, please Follow, Favorite, and Review!