Chapter 13 Let's Play Doctor
Back in the backseat… yay.
I just love being treated like a frickin' Claptrap in my own car. Makes me feel all warm inside. Or is that the burning fire of rage. Don't know. I always get the two mixed up. Either way, gotta admit, it's pretty embarrassing.
I ran over a bandit once. Once!
We've done way worse intentionally, and that was my first time driving the death-mobile. Cut me some slack, guys! It's not like I was trying to cripple the bandit (though he probably deserved it) in the most painful way imaginable!
Accidents happen. Why do you think Claptraps exist?
If there is one thing I'm grateful for, it's that we left the malfunctioning robot in a place he can't bother us anymore. Scooter's garage. Don't worry, I've seen what that place looks like, they'll never find his chassis.
Well, unless they follow his gratingly cheerful voice commentary.
No, no Jack. Peaceful thoughts, happy thoughts. He can't find you now, you are beyond the reach of his stubby little claw arms. I'm good.
I'll be even better once we get to Tannis' dig site.
It is Tannis' dig site, right? She isn't just squatting in another one of Dahl's many abandoned projects? Because quite frankly, that sounds exactly like something she would do. Why are smart people always so crazy?
I mean it, there's a precedence! Tannis, Nakayama, Cassius, the boys back at R&D, hell even Scooter. All, incredibly brilliant minds that are incredibly insane. Do they just trade away their common sense for a bigger IQ?
I dunno. Maybe it's just God's way of compensating. Or the writer's way of compensating. Given that it's Borderlands, the lack of a well-rounded character does not surprise me. Heck, maybe I'm crazy… nah, that's stupid.
I'm definitely crazy.
I'm broken out of my thoughts by the sounds of fingers snapping in my face. "Sup." Lilith grinned as my eyes fell on her. "Penny for your thoughts?"
"Do you even have a penny?" I asked, humoring the red haired Siren.
"Nope."
"Damn." It would have been nice to make some money back. "I'm just thinking about Tannis." Not untrue. I shouldn't have to tell her my every thought, she didn't have a penny after all.
"Should I be jealous?" Lilith teased, her lips smiled casually, but her eyes sparkled dangerously. I should tread lightly here. You know what they say, 'No wrath like a woman scorned.' I do not want to be the idiot who tried that with a Siren.
"No…" Why did I say it like I'm hiding something?! Quick say something better! NOW! "She's just the first doctor we're meeting on Pandora. It's a big moment for us."
"Second." Lilith corrected.
"Zed's not a doctor. Guy's got zero credibility, trust me, I had Angel check. Thank God we didn't need any medical treatment-"
"I wasn't talking about him." Lilith crossed her arms and looked at me expectantly.
Uhh "Ummm. I don't think Pierce was a doctor, either." I remarked confused, as her glare seemed to deepen. Well I'm sure as hell that Scooter's not a doctor. Seriously, are there any schools on Pandora. I've never seen one, and I've been to two communities now.
"I'm a doctor." Lilith spoke, her glaring eyes taking a particularly menacing glow.
Thankfully, I was too shocked to be terrified. In fact, at her statement, I blinked. Then I blinked again, and a third- "Really?"
"Yes."
"You're a doctor?"
"Yes!" Lilith's tone became more exasperated, as the anger in her eyes started to fade into annoyance. "Why is that so surprising? Didn't you say you did a background check?"
"I did!" I defended myself because I totally did. Technically I did two background checks… actually… "Well, Angel did anyway. But I'm pretty sure I would have remembered her telling me that."
I would have! Right?
"Angel, did you tell me Lilith was a doctor?" I asked into my Echo for Lilith's clarification. I am one thousand percent positive that I have made zero mistakes. Ever.
"Yes." Oh crap, really? "I think?" Come again? "I may have been a bit distracted once I found out she was a Siren." Ah, well that's perfectly reasonable and makes complete sense. Something that was strangely uncommon for me.
"Okay, so I missed a detail." I admitted to the phase-walking, future teleporting, badass. "You're a doctor. That's great, congratulations, yadda yadda."
"Gee thanks." Lilith replied dryly, her posture more relaxed then it had been about ten seconds ago. "It's nice to be appreciated."
"No, I mean it!" I said in a more genuine tone. "That's good, we have a medic now. If Brick gets his arm blown off, you could stitch it back on."
"YES!" Brick cheered, pumping a fist enthusiastically.
"Okay, one: that definitely wouldn't work." Lilith started off with an amused tone that began to border on sheepishness. "And two: I'm uh, I'm not that kind of doctor."
"Aw." Brick deflated almost immediately. It was kinda sad, also kinda funny, but mostly sad.
"It would absolutely work." I argued. Lilith's only response was to raise an eyebrow. "What do you know? Apparently you're not that kind of doctor."
Lilith just gave a huff in indignation. "Shut up."
"So, what are you a doctor of, anyways?" Mordecai asked, reminding us all that he was, in fact, still in our team. "Archeology? Philosophy?"
"Oh, yeah. Those guys can technically be doctors." I mused to myself. Isn't that bizarre? I mean, I can get that there's like an associate degree for it, but can you actually think of any job it would be good for?
Other than teaching it? Because that's a cop out answer.
Lilith wisely ignored my mumbling and answered our sort of Hispanic partner. "Science, all the cool kids are doing it these days."
"True." I stretch my fist out for fist bump that Lilith mockingly returns. "Nice."
"Are you a doctor, Jack?" Brick asked curiously.
"Nope." I denied, mildly disappointed by the little factoid. "I got my masters, though."
"What's the matter?" Lilith teased. "Did your professors use too many big words."
"No!" I shot back immediately, glancing at the red head with an amused glare. Before more… painful memories surfaced. "No… I uh, I got married around then. Something came up and… I had more important things to deal with."
A baby in case you were wondering. My Angel.
"You're married?!" Lilith asked, surprised and unless I was mistaken, a little disappointed.
"I was married." I corrected with a wry smile. "She's gone now."
"Divorced?" Roland asked uncharacteristically, sympathy clear in his voice from the driver's seat.
I shook my head grimly "Widowed." I answered solemnly. "Same time I got… this." I gestured to my mask covered face. Touching the surface of it almost uncomfortably.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"
"It's fine." I said distractedly, not even sure who was apologizing. "It was a long time ago."
They say time heals all wounds. Well, in my personal opinion, 'they' are full of shit. Doesn't matter how much time, distance, or obstacles you put between you and the pain, it'll never stop hurting.
"Just…" I stopped myself before I could hear my voice crack. "Let me know when we get there, cool?"
"Yeah, boss."
"Sure thing, amigo."
"Understood."
"Jack…" Lilith paused, putting her hand on my shoulder supportively. "If you… need to talk or something…" She trailed off uncertainty.
"I'm good." I cleared my throat, resolved not to choke up. "But ah, thanks. I appreciate it."
Lilith nodded, and we spent the rest of the ride in a comfortable, if a little tense, silence.
…
Doctor Patricia Tannis did not consider herself a 'morning person'.
As a child she used to despise this time of day. Her mother being the one to wake her every morning had done little to kindle any fond memories. Such an act might have worked if Patricia's mother wasn't such a horrible, horrible woman.
Patricia only grew to hate mornings more in the years to come. For when she woke, she was required to study or work, all acts she enjoyed doing, but not when overcome with an unbearable fatigue.
As a doctor, she knew that in theory, if she simply allowed herself more hours of rest, she would be able to operate much more efficiently in her waking hours.
Regrettably, sleep was not a luxury she could afford in such supply. For more hours of sleep meant less hours of work, and less hours of work meant less time to figure out how to open the Vault.
Since the Vault was on a deadline, steeper and more demanding than her midterms, she needed to spend as long as she could conducting her research. Before her window expired. It can all be explained in her research.
Sleep = no work no work = no Vault no Vault = months and live wasted + :(
Her logic was flawless.
Besides, when would she sleep anyways? At night? Have you seen the solar cycle of Pandora? It's a ninety hour rotation daily, a full year on Pandora is worth ten on Earth. Further evidence for her hypothesis, that Pandora is actively trying to murder its inhabitants.
So, Patricia would simply have to bear these cruel, malevolent mornings as best as she could.
Sandwich time helped! Indeed, her rations were stretched thin, though she was able to conserve them a bit longer after the fat girl, Chimay died. Ah! There's that strange feeling again… What was it called? Gilt? Guil? Guilt-?
It doesn't matter.
What matters is that Patricia will be able to enjoy her first sandwich of the day! First comes the bread, then the cheese perhaps. Bacon?! Bah, bacon is the sustenance of sycophants and products of incest. Some lettuce would be nice, though… and mustard? Should she dare? She was almost out…
No! She shan't risk it. Mustard was reserved for victories.
Patricia will simply have to settle for another condiment less meal. Again. Such is life. At least she was able to eat in blissful silence-
"Hey! Open up!" She heard a muffled voice shout angrily.
Frowning to herself, and unwilling to release her sandwich, Patricia moved to her console. She switched out of her tabs of research, notes on the elusive Eridians, theories on the Vault, and pictures of cats in amusing outfits that she-
Had absolutely no idea about, of course. Why would she? She certainly held no fondness for cats nor their offspring. No matter how adorable they may look in people clothes-
Patricia closed ALL of her tabs and brought her security feed into view.
On the screen she observed four heavily armed, and extremely attractive, individuals. Perhaps they were the Vault Hunters she's heard of? The ones that killed Sledge, his men, and then took all of his possessions?
Wonderful!
"Gah!" Patricia choked on her excitement, and also a mouthful of sandwich. Hastily and a tad frantically she swallowed. Gasping only a few moments for breath, her heart rate slowed.
Her eyes, however, did no such thing, as they glared maliciously at the screen. Her excitement of potentially having capable assistance, overshadowed by her rapidly growing annoyance of having meal time interrupted.
Determinedly and most definitely spitefully, she strode to the door with wrathful purpose. Prepared to greet these uninvited guests with all the scrutiny they deserved. Maximum prejudice!
Sandwich still in hand, she swiftly entered the code to her security authorized entrance and yanked it open. Fortunately, she managed to do it before her social anxiety kicked in. Facing the man wearing an oddly enticing mask, she gave an insult that was sure to leave the deviant in shambles. "Mphmph!"
"Ah… what?"
Ha! Clearly this dullard was incapable of understanding the truly enlightened level of mockery that was Doctor Patricia Tannis. Very well, she shall simply 'dumb it down' into something the simpleton could comprehend. "Mphh Mph!"
"Yeah that's… great. Listen, honey" Honey?! That is far too familiar a way to address her. Besides, Patricia wasn't ready for a relationship yet. She had ended things with Echo Recorder only four months ago. She needed time.
Is he still speaking?
He wasn't now. Indeed, he was simply staring at her blank faced, how uncouth. His green and blue eyes boring into her left her quite uncomfortable. They didn't match at all. Perhaps she could fix that? An errand for another day.
The masked man sighed. "It's… could you just swallow and talk to me. Please?"
Swallow? Oh, yes! Patricia was still enjoying her sandwich, no wonder the handsome stranger couldn't understand her. He clearly wasn't fluent in the ravenous-hunger speech like she was. Gulping down the second quarter of her sandwich, Patricia crossed her arms coldly and bore into the man with her stare. "You are interrupting sandwich time."
"No shit." The handsome man deadpanned.
"Indeed. There is not a single issue of excrement in my dig site." Patricia declared proudly. After all, it was her who repaired the sewers after her coworkers expired.
The man seemed oddly displeased by this information because he groaned rather audibly into his hand. "That's not… God whatever, fine. Are you Tannis?"
"No." Tannis paused as the probable Vault Hunter released a groan far more vocal than his last. "I'm Doctor Patricia Tannis, if we are going to converse then I expect you to address me accordingly, you unscrupulous Adonis."
"It's Jack, Handsome Jack." The now named Jack introduced himself, crossing his arms as he began to breathe heavily through his nose. Quite an unusual method of hyperventilation, in her opinion. "If we're going to have our little convo, then the least you could do is return the favor, kay?"
"I see." Patricia agreed impassively, watching as Jack breathed a sigh of relief before continuing. "Unfortunately for you, you are interrupting my lunch, and are therefore forbidden from speaking with me any further. Gooday."
And on that note, she shut the door in Jack's face before his mask even had the chance to take on a look of surprise. Smiling peacefully, she resumed eating her lunch in the blissful, empty silence that permeated- Bang! Bang!
Oh dear, what is it now?
"You have sandwiches?! Can I have one?" This voice did not belong to the man she had just spoken with. It held a level of immaturity and an utter lack of suave that led her to believe it belonged to the large, brutish man she saw on the monitor.
Well, she had but one reply for the Vault hunting behemoth. "Ha!" Patricia vocalized her amusement (though it was truly more of a lack of amusement) at the foolish request. "As if I would bequeath one of my rationed lunches to a-"
"If I brought you food, would you let us in?" The voice of Jack questioned her in a blank tone.
Of course not! Her standards weren't so low that she would allow these ruffians entrance into her only sanctum on Pandora in return for… food that wasn't… that she could… Patricia was weak.
She tentatively opened the door and gave a sigh of defeat. "Very well, let us engage." Patricia shuddered. "Verbally."
…
I have met a lot of crazy people on Pandora.
But Tannis… She takes the cake. Hell, she takes the cake, the cookies, the ice cream, those little sweet roll things- just ALL the deserts of the crazy people buffet. Thankfully, I have had (against my better judgment) a bit of experience of dealing with the psychologically challenged.
A bit more than a bit, actually. Like, a lot more.
So much experience, that Tannis' antics almost didn't faze me. Almost. Admittedly, there is only so much insanity that I can stand before I start to lose it too. The bandits already used up more than their fair share of my patience.
Hopefully, we can get this squared away, before I start to seem on edge.
"Jack, are you okay?" Lilith asked me in a whisper, as the mad doctor led us further into her lair.
Well that didn't take long. "I'm fine." I grumbled.
"Really?" She asked again with a cocked eyebrow.
"Yes."
"Jack..." Lilith trailed off warningly.
I sighed as if it pained me to admit it. Which it did, but only metaphorically. "I'm just a little tired, okay?"
That was also metaphorical, I slept for a good portion of the ride here. Lilith seemed to understand what I meant, at least. "Okay, just… be cool. We're almost done here."
"I know."
We continued to follow Tannis as her anxious pace began to near its end. She imputed a code, too quickly for my eyes to follow into a nearby panel, and one of the walls began to slide open. "This way, please." She instructed calmly, as she walked into a room so well hidden that a serial killer would be jealous.
What we saw left me speechless.
Walls filled with research on the Eridians, the Vaults, everything hastily tacked on, some I could swear were put there with bubblegum- Nope, wait that is definitely bubblegum. Gross.
"Welcome to my lab!" Tannis announced proudly if a bit hesitant. "Previously funded by the Dahl cooperation."
"Okay, seriously?!" I remarked a bit frustrated. "Why does everyone sign up with Dahl? What is even remotely appealing, about those chest pounding, jargon speaking, wannabe soldier boys, that makes everybody gung ho to enlist?!"
"They paid me quite sufficiently and were willing to see past my disabilities." Tannis shrugged, unphased by my rant entirely. I stared at her, waiting for her to continue.
She did not.
"Wait, that's it?" I asked her, confused. I get that she was a few puffs short of cuckoo, but she was one of, if not the brightest mind, in the entire borderlands! All you need to do to hire her was give her fair wages, and ignore some of her more eccentric quirks?
"Yes."
"How would you like a job?" I am not letting this slip through my fingers.
Tannis' eyes widened in surprise, but she quickly feigned disinterest. "I suppose, I would not be opposed to a new occupation. Though, having worked independently for some time, I would require certain incentives, in order to return to a corporate lifestyle."
I smiled. "I think that could be arranged."
…
Be careful what you promise Jack… You just might have to keep it.
Speaking of promises kept… welcome back to a brand new chapter of Handsome Jack: The Hero? We finally get to see Tannis, there's a few soft moments here and there, and in the next chapter, they'll know their target.
Before I answer some of the reviews, let me just say thank you all again, for all the feedback, the follows, and the favorites, as a mostly inexperienced author, I can't tell you how much it all means to me.
Anyways, time for a good old chat with the reviewers!
Adam110902: Thanks!
Theultimateknight mk 2: Yes. You are. Something is very wrong with you, do you need professional help… Nah, I'm just kidding. But seriously, Claptrap is the punching bag character, who doesn't always deserve it, but it's still pretty funny to see it happen.
Like Butters from South Park, or Meg from Family Guy, Claptrap is the character we like, but also want to see suffer.
To a guest: Thank you.
BohemianRhaspody: Whoops! Typos happen a lot when Word doesn't correct me, and I skim read before posting, it should be fixed now.
It's always a delight to mess around with Claptrap, and we haven't seen the upgrades yet but when they take on that Rakk Hive, trust me, it'll be worth the wait. Thank you again for all the effort you put into these reviews, it really makes my day.
Barbaric Bob: He will… eventually. He's also not related to Krieg, as his history shows that he originally wasn't a bandit, and likely not a native of Pandora. I may add some relation to the Flynts but I'm still not sure. Let me hear what you think about it, and I'll make the call.
Dlmauricio 19: I was leaning towards her too, but I think I'll give that one to Timothy.
Priceless22: You're good! Thanks for reviewing!
NewtonianLaw134: Here you are, please enjoy.
Evilguyyy102: Well, there is a schedule, but it's like every two weeks. I would have done it weekly, but I'm working on another story, so I'm switching up how I write this, so that it's one chapter for this story today, and next week there will be a chapter of Be Greater.
I'm sorry if that's inconvenient, and that the chapters are a bit short. I try to write 500 words a day, except on Sundays, so that I'm providing consistently and adequately the best I can.
XXxxxadisxxxXX: Does it? I'm sorry, I'm still a bit new with writing, and writing any kind of romance in general. I took inspiration for the whole Lilith kissing Jack scene, from the comics, where she did something similar to Roland, pretty much spontaneously. It did feel a little meh to me, but I thought it blended in well enough, given the circumstances.
I have dialed back on it, so I hope it's a bit more believable moving forward.
REBEL REBEL: Thank you, I've done my best to revamp the plot, and I'm glad it shows. As for your suggestion… I love it, and I'm definitely going to use it by the time I get to the Pre-Sequel. I had a similar idea with quotes from the characters, but this is way better.
Thank you all again, for the Follows, Favorites, and Reviews, but why stop there? We've come a long way, and it really shows, but let's go for gold! It's already the best Handsome Jack fanfic, so let's make it the best Borderlands fanfic!
Team effort, guys! I'll do the writing, you do the rating!
Please! Follow, Favorite, and Review!