Chapter 23 Pop Goes The Destroyer

Are you kidding me?!

You know, I'll be the first to admit that my last life wasn't perfect. I procrastinated too much, I made decisions that I thought were smart, but had horrible consequences, and I didn't spend enough time with the family.

And even though for some twisted reason that merited being reborn as the biggest villain ever, in the history of forever, I made sure that I didn't make any of those mistakes ever again.

I had initiative, I planned ahead and actually thought things through, I became a single parent for Christ's sake! But despite all of my efforts to the contrary, here I am again.

Too late, too many consequences, and too much regret about not staying home with Angel.

"Pass." I denied the Russian (Is she Russian? Or do they like identity as something else, here?) Siren, much to her growing fury.

"Ha!" Commandant Steele barked out a laugh, with the same effort I go through when I try to chuckle at a bad pun from a good friend. "You do not have a choice in the matter."

Actually, I do. It's just that all my options suck.

There's Option A: Awful. Where I and my crew of certifiable badasses proceed to quickly massacre the surrounding ambush of Atlas drones. And the bandits who were with them for some reason. I'll just deal with that crap basket later.

Now the perks are that I get to kill some bad guys, and brag about it around the office. The downside is that killing them might tire us out a little, and I want us up to full strength. Plus, then I'd have to kill Steele too, which is bad.

Not ethically, hell I'd be doing the galaxy a favor, I just mean practically.

See, there are approximately six Sirens in the entire known universe. I need one of them, preferably an expendable one, and thankfully I happen to know who they all are.

There's Angel, my daughter, the smartest, most talented girl that's ever lived, and I'm proud to say that I'm not embellishing. Then there's Lilith, my sort of, maybe girlfriend depending how things work, who's currently on my team. So, obviously they're off the table.

Then we have Maya, the awesome, semi-deified protector of Athenas. She's cool. Also, there's Amara, who's pretty much Maya but with an accent? Oh, and I guess she likes combat a lot more. But she's not like, uber violent, so, these girls aren't gonna fly either.

And finally, the last two. The evil two. Unless you count Troy. I don't. Anyways, there's Steele and Tyreen, the undisputed antagonists of the first and third game. Frankly, I wouldn't mind using either of them to charge up a Vault Key.

Sadly, Tyreen probably wouldn't cut it. Cause she's more like a leech than a battery. It's like trying to use a motor as a generator. Doesn't make any sense.

So, that leaves Steele.

"I wouldn't be that sure." I finally respond with a shrug. "I've got a few tricks up my sleeve." She didn't look particularly pleased with my answer. In fact, it looked a lot like she was trying to murder me with her eyeballs.

Then Steele pressed her gun against my helmet and pushed it in warningly. For the record, that mask is bullet proof, I'm still okay with this. Plus, my calm seems to unnerve her. "You are bold, лакей. Too-"

"Too bold." I finished with her, an unseen smirk across my face, while she blinked in surprise. "Jinx."

Hey here's a thought, maybe the next time you rehearse your lines for your whole evil monologue thing, you could make sure they're original. Truly, Commandant Steele, you may have been one of the biggest baddies of the franchise, but you were clearly not the most entertaining.

Which to be fair, the ones that were, were also the ones that people were super happy to kill. Maybe that's why the player didn't get to kill you? You know, the first time around. Before you became a zombie robot, with way more amusing lines.

Either she somehow read my expression through my helmet, or she was really offended by the 'jinx', because she pistol whipped me. Hardly even felt that, but still, it's a bit of an overreaction. Doesn't she know she just has to get someone to say her name three times and she's safe?

"Enough games!" Steele demanded. It'd be a lot more intimidating if she wasn't so flushed. "The Vault Key. Now."

Yikes. That one gave me chills.

Which brings us to Option B: Bitch gets what she deserves. It involves… well, the name probably gives it away, but basically I give her the Key, then sit back and watch as she gets tentacled.

Oh Christ, that sounds bad without context! Okay, chillax. I'm just going to watch as one of the Destroyer's Tentacles impales a hole in her body- into, into her body. Like, with the whole stabby stab motion, you know?

I'm just gonna stop thinking about that.

Anyways, the end result of that is that Steele dies a punk death, then me and my team have to kill the Destroyer, and probably the rest of the Atlas soldiers here as well as the bandits. Which is bad because one, I'm going to have to find who spiritually succeeds Steele and hope she's equally as evil. Two, we'll have to fight a lot of people at the same time.

And three, why are there bandits here? I know, I said that I was gonna table this, but those guys are really a pet peeve for me. I- no! Not the priority, deal with them later.

The point is, options A and B are out, which leaves me with option C.

"Jack...?" Lilith (almost nervously) tried to get my attention. "What do you want us to do?"

Option C: Could've, should've, would've made a plan. But I didn't. Improvise?

I shrug nonchalantly, before tossing the Key over, much to the surprise of… well, everyone.

Commandant Steele stumbled with the catch, but held it close to her, looking at me warily, as if she expected me to snatch it back. Aside from crossing my arms and raising an unseen brow, I stayed perfectly still. "A wise choice…"

She continued to stare in suspicion, even going as far to inspect the Key for signs of a fake. Which is actually mildly insulting. Do I look like a con man to you? Shut up, that was rhetorical. "Yup." I deadpanned. "What can I say? I'm the brains of the operation. Making the smart call is what I do."

"Indeed." Steele reluctantly turned away from me, averting her gaze to the center of the summit, where in lie what was essentially the 'ignition start' of the Vault. She took a few hesitant steps, before turning back to me with a confused expression. "You're not going to stop me?"

I gave a mild shrug. "Could I?"

"No." Steele states determinedly, a glare fixed on her face. "You could not." She delayed a few seconds more before approaching the podium, confidence oozing out of every step.

Lilith tugged at my arm, impatiently. "Jack!" She whispered/shouted, defeating the purpose of whispering. "What are you doing?!"

"Don't worry." I whisper back, at whisper volume, as Steele finally mustered the courage to plug the key in. "I've got a plan."

"What plan?!" Lilith demanded, pulling back on my arm insistently.

The Vault didn't seem to mind our back and forth, going about its business of opening up, as usual. And by 'usual' I, of course, mean connecting solid stone archways telekinetically, through the art of space magic. While glowing an ominous purple throughout the peak of the mountain.

"Improvise!" I answered/ordered as I shot Steele in the back with my hidden concussion blaster. The boys at R&D wanted to call it a 'stun-gun', but I was like 'Nah, man. If it rhymes, no one's going to take it seriously.'

Steele didn't have time to look surprised. The blaster takes effect pretty quickly. Like, instantaneous, quickly. She collapsed just as the portal went up, and captured the interest of every merc, lancer, and bandit on the cliff.

Sadly, that included the ones I hired.

"Hey!" I snapped my fingers in front of their faces to get their attention, only to get their bewildered looks. "I said improvise! This is not improvising. Get to the Technical!"

Roland nodded, still in a daze, but took off in a sprint while everyone else was distracted. Bloodwing needed to nip Mordecai to get him going, but to his credit he didn't even flinch. Not bodily, anyway. Helmets are worse than masks when it comes to telling expressions.

Lilith stayed by my side because she's awesome, smart, and loyal. Also, pretty, funny, and- ahem. Anyways, Brick was the only one left not doing anything, in fact he was just staring at me, confused.

"Brick, what are you doing? I said, get to the technical!" I didn't snap, but my tone might have come off as a little harsh. "Please." There, now I feel better.

Brick scratched the back of his head, still a little lost. "I thought you said to improvise."

"I did!"

"So, why do I have to do what you tell me to do?" He asked a fair, if completely stupid and irrelevant question.

I groaned, and bit back a curse. Reminding myself that underneath all the muscle, blood, and tri-reinforced body armor, he's just a really big kid at heart. "Brick, improve is about a lot of things. But mostly, it's about 'yes, and'. So, when I tell you to go to the Technical, you say…"

"Yes, and…" Brick answered, before trailing off unsure. "Uh, and what, boss?"

The arch flashed, and the purple gleam, and the mental image of tentacle impalement spurred me into pushing the smarter than the average goliath back into the Technical. "And we do it right now, or we're totally screwed!"

I pushed him harder, but he was heavy enough before the armor. Honestly, it might take a forklift to move him… A very sturdy forklift. Or a spaceship.

Thankfully, my overgrown companion got the hint when tentacles started leaping out of the magically scientific portal to… where did that portal lead to? I know, it's the prison of the Destroyer, sure, but where specifically is that?

I know it had something to do with Pandora, but hell, what doesn't?

But, I digress. Atlas soldiers, and bandit thugs are getting ripped off the very ground they stand on and thrown into the maw of an eldritch creature that wouldn't seem out of place in a Lovecraft novel. Which definitely encouraged the rest of us to scram back into the Vehicle.

Those of us who had one, anyways. It really sucks for the bandits at this point, most of the Atlas forces are just pulling out, or trying to anyway. The ones who ran, and didn't get caught by the tentacles from Hell, pretty much left the rest for dead.

Including Steele, thankfully. By which I mean, thankfully for me, obviously. She's gonna feel pretty betrayed when she comes to. A vindictive part of me is looking forward to it. Should I feel bad about that? Meh.

I know my conscience might not exactly be up to snuff, and sure, my moral compass might not always point to North, but I think I do okay. Better than the original Jack, anyways. Not that it's much of a challenge. I could probably punch nuns in the face, and still manage to be ahead in the 'not an asshole' race, at least by comparison.

Is it weird that I question myself this much?

I feel like if I was working with, like, the average morality package, I would get through most days without so much as an ethical flinch. But that would probably be that way because I haven't gone through quite as many grey areas.

Plus, if I was evil, I'd never question myself, and I wouldn't put so much effort into doing good. For example, if I didn't have any good values, I would've let Steele get impaled, then either use one of the relatively good sirens to charge my key, or scour the galaxy hunting down Steele's successor.

So overall, I-

"Jack!" Roland uncharacteristically shouted at me. "Get your head in the game! We need your help, right now!"

Oh, right. The big Vault Monster is still trying to kill us all. Should probably focus on that.

"Kay." I absentmindedly agree, dipping switches and pressing buttons, like in all the best action movies. Of course, unlike all of those action movies, these switches and buttons actually serve a purpose, and don't just provide random theatrics while doing absolutely nothing to fix the situation.

I really should have started the instant we got back in the Technical, but then I had to go and distract myself with philosophical questions. Again. God, the freaking Destroyer didn't even phase me, but the second the topic was about me, it was all I could think about.

I am so egocentric.

"Hey!" Mordecai complained, shocking, as I reached over him to pull another lever, quickly adjusting the pressure of the engines to prevent us from, ahem, imploding when I fire two of the BFG's at once. "What are you doing?!" He whined again, more concerned about his personal space than he was about our lives.

Selfish jerk.

"In short," I scoff, with a roll of my eyes. "Making sure the engine's coolant doesn't erupt when we fire the big guns, trying to get the shield's strength to match the projected force of the explosion, and maneuvering us away from the land-kraken before it probably kills and eats us. But, hey, if I'm making you uncomfortable-"

"Nope, that's- that's fine." Mordecai defused, his tone calming down profoundly, and maybe even a little guilty. "You just, do that, then. Thanks."

"You're welcome." I reply, with only a tiny amount of smugness. Honest.

"Hey," Lilith casually chimes in, or about as casual as someone being attacked by a freakishly large cyclops with tentacle appendages can be. "About those guns, when can we fire them?"

"Excellent question." I complimented without answering her.

Which she noticed. Crap. "Thanks. So, when can we fire them, again?"

"Pfft. You know, like maybe, uh, a while. Could be soon, though." I reassured her.

Lilith did not look reassured. "Right. What exactly is the time frame for that?"

"What do you mean?" I stalled.

"When. Can. We. Fire?" Lilith reiterated, this time with a warning tone in her voice.

"Soon! Definitely soon." I promise. Then after quickly going over some of my mental calculations, I frowned. "Might be a while though."

"Jack!" She snapped.

"I'm working on it, okay?!" I shout right back at her. "Can't you guys just keep it busy or something?"

"Like what?!" Lilith cried back, verging on hysteria, not that I can blame her.

"I don't know! Do something to get its attention or distract it!" I suggest, flipping and pressing buttons at an exponential pace. "Just buy me some time. Please."

Lilith made a sound. I'm not really sure how to describe it. It was sort of like a cross breed between a growl and a sigh, I guess? Kinda like when a person takes deep breath to avoid using profanity at the top of their lungs. "Fine." She looked back at the others imploringly. "Any ideas, guys?"

Brick was the only one who raised his hand. Even though this is a battle tank, not a classroom.

Lilith did sigh this time. "Yes, Brick?"

"Can we try shooting it?" He asked curiously, and with a chest puffed out in pride. "I'm pretty good at that."

Mordecai nodded in agreement. "I can get behind that. It's basically like the Rakk Hive, right? Let's just go for the eye again. Not like it's a small target."

Okay, see if I was anything like the old Jack, I would have punched him in the face for that. Or probably worse. Thing is, I'm my own man, and frankly, I don't need a giant laser made out of the salvaged pieces of a space fantasy/sci-fi beast.

Although…

Nah. Too much work. Plus, if I ever want a doomsday weapon, it'd probably be for the best if I made it out of something that hasn't tried to kill me. I am, after all, at the top of my list on things I don't want destroyed.

Right above Angel, Lazy River Land, and bacon double cheese burgers.

Coincidentally, some of the things I have on my list of things I want to be destroyed include, Tyreen, Katagawa Jr., and every doctor who ever told me to stop eating bacon double cheese burgers. I am a grown man, and I will eat what I want!

And another thing! Why should I have to-! Oh, shit, the Destroyer looks pissed.

It gave an evil, angry red glare, which was surprisingly effective given it only had one eye to do it with. Also, why is it red? My memory isn't the greatest, but I'm fairly certain it was a normal color in the game. Well, relatively normal, it is an eldritch abomination sent from Hell.

"We got it!" Brick cheered with a rocket launcher resting on his mighty biceps. Wait, where'd he get that? I didn't give it to him (even though I probably should have, in hindsight), did he steal that from the armory? Good for him.

I mean, boo! That's Hyperion property! Shame on you! Other sounds of disapproval!

"Hey amigo, I hate to bring you down," Mordecai comforted, placing a hand on Brick's other bicep. Note to self: find out Brick's training regime. "But we definitely didn't get him."

Brick looked back to the wounded Vault Monster, shocked. As if he was completely flabbergasted, that an ancient and powerful creature, so dangerous and bloodthirsty that a race of far more intelligent beings than us had to lock it away in a planet, could survive a few tiny explosions to the face. "Aww man."

Aww man indeed, Brick.

"Hey, look! It's getting redder, that's something!" Brick points out optimistically.

Not really, though.

"No, it's not." Mordecai scoffed. "It's the exact same shade! It's just… brighter. Actually, is that thing glowing?" Glowing? Why would it-

"Oh shit!" I cussed, quickly clearing my screens, and bringing the shields up to maximum power. "Brace yourselves, people! This is gonna hurt!"

We had about three seconds before it's eye beam crashed into us. It struck with enough force to flip us over, not once, not twice, but four times! Considering that without the shield, it probably would have gone through us, I'm counting this as a win.

Or a tie. Maybe a small loss? The Technical is pretty toast now. One of the only things going for it, is that it rolled an even number, so it's back on its tires, and the many, many weapons it came equipped with. Weapons that may also coincidentally destroy it, if we were to fire any of them in their current state.

"Everyone out." I commanded with a groan and got affirmative groans in response. I unbuckled myself from the seatbelt that both saved my life and trapped me in a doomed vehicle. I have mixed feelings on the seatbelt.

Practically crawling out the door (despite the car still being upright), I nearly collapsed on the ground as I steadied myself up. I just have the worst sense of vertigo right now. This close to throwing up inside my helmet. Really wish I splurged on that built in waste disposal.

"You guys okay?" I asked, seeing the slightly better stance of my fellow 'comrades' as Marcus would say.

"Define 'okay'." Lilith asked, haphazardly cracking her neck, and sighing in relief.

"Not dead." I clarified.

"More or less." Mordecai answered in a low voice, either because of the pain, or because he's tired and wants to take a nap.

"Then you're doing better than her." I pat the old Technical in sympathy. "Don't think insurance is gonna cover this one. Probably a good thing I never actually got it insured, then."

"So, what now?" Roland looked at me for a plan.

I smiled wryly. "Excellent question. The normal rounds don't seem to faze it, it's apparently got laser eyes on par with superman, and as for our best weapon, well…" I chuckled mournfully. "See for yourselves."

Pulling up the self-diagnosis to their echoes, as if the sight of the vehicle alone wasn't enough, I read aloud. "Breaks are a no go, shields are kaput, engine's failing, manual control's offline, and remote control guidance is… fully operational?"

Blinking in confusion, I expected the millisecond after my eyes were closed that it would correct itself, but the setting stayed the same. Experimentally, I accessed the remote, driving the car on the control a couple feet to the left, and the Technical actually moved.

"Huh." I absentmindedly hummed, mind brimming with possibility. "Weapons diagnosis?" Several of the turrets were offline, as were some of the heavy artillery, one of the BFGs was active though, but in its current state, it'd blow the car up with the target.

I wasn't willing to do that when I was in the car, but now…

"You guys might want to back up a bit." I warned. They got the general idea, and cautiously moved further away from the suicidal tank. Rest assured, this bomber's gonna do a lot more damage than your run of the day bomb physco.

It rolled fast, or as fast as I could get it to, and the Destroyer allowed it to, unconcerned. In its mind, assuming it had one, it had all but killed the metallic creature, and now it was coming close enough to finish the job. Why should that bother it?

In fact, why not eat the strange metal beast while it was at it? It may not look that appetizing, and it most certainly won't digest well, but after an untold millennium trapped within the Vault, the Destroyer was far too hungry to mind.

So, it did.

Or rather, it tried to. For on that very first bite, a strange glow appeared, and the metal beast, once known as the greatest Technical that ever lived, released a mighty roar, and over fifty kilos worth of firepower. Enough that it would have level the mountain entirely, were the blast not already encased by the Destroyer.

Writhing in agony, wailing in pain, tentacles flaying, it retreated quickly into its own prison for salvation. Leaving behind several unattached limbs, blood galore, and even pieces of its own eye, not to mention its mouth.

For the Vault Hunters, and even Jack, there was only one word that could properly summarize the defeat of one of the greatest threats to mankind, and all life as they knew it.

"Wow."

…

So, the Destroyer was beaten, my Hunters were paid, and all was right in the world for a while. It didn't last of course. Why would it? If it wasn't for bad times, these good times wouldn't feel half as great.

But at the time, things were finally working out.

I personally defeated a Vault Monster, for real. The kind of PR that move inspired alone, increased Hyperion sales by thirty percent. Not to mention Pandora.

That chaos infested Hellhole made me rich. As in, I could buy a planet rich. I promise that's not hyperbole, I could. I'm not going to, but I could. Isn't that just awesome? That Eridium for you, lucrative and scientifically awesome.

Speaking of scientifically awesome, the good news keeps coming! Tannis works for me now, indefinitely. Or until she gets bored, which she told me in… less than clear terms. Of course, I don't think that'll be a problem. After all, you can't experiment on a Siren at just any ethical questioning occupation, now can you?

Steele survived, which admittedly surprised me when I checked her pulse. She survived an almost nuclear explosion, but a single tentacle can run her through like a siren-kabob? Whatever, it makes me happy so I'm not gonna question it.

Especially because now, I have a Siren ginny pig, that I have no moral qualms about using for all of my nefarious schemes. Mwah ha ha ha!

Or something like that.

Speaking of Sirens, Lilith and I went out on that date. A week after, we went out on another. A week after that, well a true gentleman never tells. But yeah, she's my girlfriend now, and a much more stable one then Nisha. I might even introduce her to Angel, soon.

She's doing great too, by the way. She's definitely been a lot happier since I stopped adventuring around Pandora, or at least a lot less worried. I don't think that's the only reason she's happy though. Now, you didn't hear it from me, but I heard (from my network of automaton spies) that Angel's found herself a girlfriend.

Which means I have to start rehearsing my shovel speech. I'm thinking of adding something about how I destroyed the Destroyer. Make it more dramatic.

As for the rest of the gang, Roland, Mordecai, and Brick, they're still chilling out on Pandora.

And of course, by 'chilling out' I mean waging a revolutionary/civil war on the Atlas corporation. Roland, as it turns out, still harbors a lot of fondness for his once fellow soldiers and is trying to convert them to his more righteous cause. Through force. Also, through inspirational speeches.

Not quite sure Athena will be wholly approving, but I don't think she'll object it out of hand. Maybe. I hope?

But, in any event, the soldier boy still has Mordecai and Brick backing him up. Why, you may ask? Well, you see, it turns out that Mordecai really likes to shoot things, and Brick really likes to hit things. Plus, maybe something about camaraderie, or the power of friendship.

I help them out where I can. Supply drops, info caches, etc. Sometimes I do a bit more. Least I can do for some old friends. It helps that they're limiting my competition. Easier to justify this stuff to the Board.

I wish I could say that everything worked out perfectly for everyone, I do. But like I said, that's not really how this works. In hindsight, I don't know why I ever doubted how much damage an unattended Claptrap could do.

But that's a tale for another time.

Handsome Jack, CEO of Hyperion, Chronicles Of Pandora, Vault of The Destroyer

…

Wow! What a thrilling conclusion! (If anyone calls that anticlimactic, I'm going to deny it)

But seriously, the first game is done! Barring the DLCs of course, which I plan to get to. Maybe next month? It's probably time I start writing some more chapters for some of my other stories. I've been a little neglectful on that front.

So, with the sudden realization that this may very well be the last author's note I write for some time, let me just say how honored I feel right now.

This is not the first story I've posted, but it has been the most successful. Third time's the charm, right? Well, I had my doubts about it too. But all the feedback and support you guys gave me really helped me with my confidence, and I hope, made the story even greater than I imagined.

So, with that said, and I know I sound like a broken record at this point, let me just say how thankful, and appreciative I am, for all of you.

I just- There's so much I want to say, but to be honest I just feel speechless. Eight months of work, hundreds of pages, reviews, follows, favorites, it's all more than I ever expected, and way more than I planned. But now, I can hardly wait to start writing the next part.

See you all next month. Until then, please Follow, Favorite, and Review!