"Irie! Good to see you!"

The shopkeeper smiled and called to me as I walked into the noodle shop. His familiar shout and the clatter of the regulars made me grin.

"Good to see you too, as always. I'll have the-"

"Your usual, right? For one or for two?"

"Two, please."

I was already on the way to my preferred seat.

Am I really that predictable?

I took my place in the corner booth I always took and sighed.

Being predictable isn't a bad thing. It's consistent, it's dependable, and it's…less overwhelming. If you've already done something the same way one hundred times, you have a pretty good idea of how the hundred and first time is going to go. Besides, being unpredictable makes me feel anxious…and today I am planning to do something very…unpredictable. Today's the day I'm going to tell Shibi how I feel.

A spider crawled across my table, heading towards the window. I chewed the skin on my bottom lip as I watched it. It wandered its way into a beam of honey-golden sunlight, the white markings on its tiny black body suddenly shining. The shopkeeper came over to set down two bowls of noodles on the table before rushing back to his other customers. This shook the table slightly, and the spider stopped to face me with eight curious little eyes.

"It's harmless. Hasarius adansoni, or 'Adanson's house jumper', if you prefer."

I recognized the familiar, gravely voice, so I did not turn to face it. Instead I kept watching the little spider.

"Fascinating. Maybe I'll keep it as a pet!"

Shibi slid into his spot across from me, the vibrations of the table startling the spider into scrambling down over the edge and away from view.

"Or perhaps not."

"Good. It could have caused harm to my beetles. And besides, spiders have far too many legs, and they're so..."

He grimaced, and then continued,

"I should let you know, I can't stay long today. I have another engagement."

"An engagement? Oh, how fun."

I tried to sound sincere, but my jealousy must have shown. It's been doing that a lot recently. More than I would prefer, at any rate.

It's so easy to picture him with someone else. And I should be happy for him to have found someone, not upset. I clearly have more work to do on myself before saying anything about any kind of feelings to him. I guess today's not the day for confessions after all…and maybe I won't ever tell him. After all, if he's found someone and he's happy, I would hate to burden him.

He tilted his head to the side before answering, an undercurrent of something undefined in his voice.

"With my son. There's an event at his school, I must be present."

My momentary jealousy felt even more ridiculous now.

He's just trying to be there for his son. And even if it was a date, I have no reason to be jealous. We're just friends. Even if I wanted to be something…more...it's not possible. He's the head of his family, and I'm just some nobody who barely scrapes by. He has his reputation to think about. More pressingly, the peace between the Aburame clan and the Kamizuru clan is starting to seem more and more uneasy. If he is publicly seeing anyone, the most responsible choice would be a member of the Kamizuru clan, to reinforce that union. After all, isn't that the purpose of such things? Feelings don't really factor into it at all for someone in his position, and so they can't factor in for me either.

"Ah. You're such a good dad, he's lucky to have you."

He looked into his own noodles, then out the window.

Anywhere but at me, I guess.

"I am only doing the best that I can, like any parent would."

I will not be accepting that dismissiveness today. He always talks down his own achievements, and I am not allowing it.

I reached out my hand and placed it over his. I squeezed it in what I hoped was a comforting manner.

"I know that, but Shibi, I meant it. You're really good with him. You can't help what happened to his mother, all you can do is be there for him now."

He finally looked at me, and I felt immediately more unsure about whether or not I should have touched his hand.

I never used to worry about that sort of thing. I don't know when I started feeling shy around him. It started slowly, so slowly, and now I can't go back. But he needs comfort right now, and a good friend. And that's all.

"I know...it's just…hard.."

"I know."

I pulled my hand back, and he cleared his throat before setting in on his bowl of noodles.

We don't need to drag out that conversation any longer, we've had it before.

I can't help but remember the first time I ever saw him. He was trying his best to hold everything together during that whole fiasco with the Sand and the Sound during exams. His son, among others, had leapt off after three kids from the Sand. I don't know the details, but I know that by the time I could get out to join them he was kneeling on a branch over his boy, mumbling something like 'Just stay with me. My kikaichū are already at work removing the poison inside of you, just hold on.' I remember that he was crying. I sought him out after that. He was a single dad when I met him. Ever since he lost his wife, he's been doing the best he could to be a good father to Shino.

I think I may be one of the few people he can talk to about this sort of thing now. I don't have children, but I know what it's like to lose a partner. I know how that sudden strangulation comes. It's always when you think you're past it, that you're coping well, that you've finally got everything figured out...then you go to buy bread and find yourself torn apart in aisle nine. It feels like you can't stop remembering how your partner always wanted wheat bread, or how you would always argue because you wanted to buy rye, but of course you ended up getting wheat to make them happy. And now you can get whatever you'd like, but buying rye makes you feel guilty. Like you're failing them somehow. Like it's wrong to move on.

I hadn't noticed that I had started hyperventilating until he spoke up to get my attention. Thinking about loss for too long makes me panicky.

"This Friday would have been your anniversary, right?" he said.

"I'm surprised you remembered something like that."

"Come over then. I've been working on something I think you'd enjoy seeing, and I would appreciate assistance."

"I'm really not sure I'll be of much use, I'll probably just stay at home."

"Nonsense. You shouldn't be alone on a day like that. And anyway.."

I felt my chest tighten

"I would like to see you."

"Then I wouldn't miss it for the world."

We ate the rest of our noodles in relative silence, people watching through the window and occasionally pointing out an especially interesting outfit as it walked by. I believe this would be my forty third failed attempt at telling him how much he means to me. The forty fourth time's the charm though, right?