I woke up suddenly, already gasping. I was laying on my side facing my alarm clock.

Of course it's 3:00am. It's always 3:00am.

I couldn't remember most of my dreams, and I know the memory of this one will leave me shortly.

I don't need to try to remember it, I know it was about losing him. My lost love, my partner in life who died three years ago. I haven't slept through a single night sober since he was taken from me.

I can't bear to think of his name right now. I rolled over and grabbed his old sweatshirt. It always stays on his side of the bed. I haven't gotten around to washing it yet. I buried my face in it, trying to find his scent on it.

Shibi was the one who helped me pack and donate all his other things, but I have to hold on to this. I need to hold on to this. He never pressured me to get rid of it, or of any of the other things I decided to donate. He must understand. What pieces of his late wife are still in his home? What ghostly remnant does he reach for when he can't sleep? He always says I should call him if things get too hard. My cellphone is right beside my alarm clock…but it's not too bad yet, is it? I can handle this alone. If I can't sleep, I shouldn't just lay here. I'm going for a walk.

I stood up, remade my bed, washed my face, and got dressed. I tucked his hoodie back under his pillow on his side of the bed, slipped my shoes on, and left.

The night was warm, and the breeze was cool. The new moon provided very little light, but the stars shone brighter in its absence. I decided to walk to the little hill on the edge of the village, the one near the woods. The fireflies should be out this time of year. It always comforts me to see them. I walked through the familiar streets with my face turned towards the sky.

Another good thing about being predictable and stuck in a set path: you don't have to pay attention to where you're going. You have time to pay attention to other things, like the way the starlight reflects against the roofs, the way the path sounds under your shoes, the scents the breeze carries. Wait, what is that smell? It's almost like…"

I snapped back to attention and simultaneously noticed two things. One: I had reached the hill. A few more steps and I would be at the very spot I was thinking of when I decided to leave my house. Two: Shibi was standing at that very spot, waving to me.

Shit, I am not in the right headspace for a conversation right now. But I can't just leave, he's waving.

I hesitated only for a second before walking over to him.

It does feel good to see him inviting me over.

"Irie? What are you doing out this late?"

"I could ask the same thing of you. I came to see the fireflies, but I guess I'm out of luck."

I tried to smile at him. It was unusual, but it looks like there were none flying around at the moment.

"I see. I am out to study the very same insects. Aquatica lateralis, specifically. The larvae are aquatic, and the adults like the trees. There's a little stream just barely out of the way in the woods here, making this the ideal location for spotting them."

"I knew I had seen them here before."

"They're beautiful creatures. Did you know that both the males and the females of this species are bioluminescent? The males tend to fly around, flashing and looking for the females. The females stay closer to the ground and flash their own lights back, luring the males in. The males land close to them, and then they'll flash back and forth at each other until they're drawn together."

He was looking at me intently.

"It sounds like as long as one of them can fly, they'll always find each other."

"It seems like it, yes."

I felt desperate to say something distracting, so I decided to ask more about the fireflies.

"So then what do they do? After finding each other."

I felt him immediately become embarrassed, but at least he looked away from me.

"Then they conclude their copulation ritual."

Is he blushing?

He cleared his throat, and continued.

"They are out tonight, my movements have disturbed them into hiding."

"They must be very cautious."

"Correct, but since we've been standing still for a minute here, they should be close to reappearing."

As if on cue, the lightning bugs began reappearing. First one, then two or three, then ten, then thirty.

Absolutely beautiful.

"Irie…" his voice sounded charged with something. He watched the fireflies as he spoke to me.

"Yes?"

"Why were you really walking out here this early? Are you okay?"

No. Yes? Maybe? I feel better, but I don't know if 'okay' is the right word. How do I answer someone like you without worrying you?

"Coming to meet someone, perhaps?"

I chuckled. A joke from him is rare, I must have really made him worry.

"No, only you."

Why do my own joking replies always sound so serious?

"Anyway, I think I am actually okay now, thank you."

I know he doesn't like to pry, but I don't like to share.

"I had another dream."

"Ah."

I should have just told him from the beginning. Of course he would understand.

"Sometimes I have those too."

He looked like he was suddenly a hundred miles away. We stood together for a while, then he refocused on me.

"You should try to get back to bed."

"Me? What about you? You were out here when I got here."

"We both should."

"Deal."

Neither of us actually started walking back to our homes. It's as if the fireflies have us spellbound, rooted to the spots where we stood.

"I'll still see you Friday, right?"

Why did I ask that? I sound so needy. It's pathetic.

"I look forward to it."

That's why.

"Do you need someone to walk you home?"

Yes.

"Oh no, it's so out of your way, I'll manage."

"If you're sure."

I should tell him how I feel. There will never be a better time, I need to get it over with.

"Shibi..."

He tilted his head, waiting for me to continue. I couldn't get the right words out of my mouth. There goes attempt number forty four.

"You're a really good friend. Good night."

"Thank you, Irie. Get home safe."