It's been six weeks since that night that Shibi came to my house, drunk and lonely. I've seen him in some context almost everyday since then, and it's still not enough. I crave him every second that we're apart. We decided that the easiest way to handle our relationship was to keep it under wraps until there's a convenient time to break the news. Since making that choice, there just hasn't been a convenient time. The girl from the Kamizuru clan has sent multiple messages saying that she felt slighted by his behavior.

He was very rude to leave mid-date like that.

Him suddenly being in a relationship with someone from outside of their clan could cause a rift. Plus there's the matter of his reputation within the village I suppose, though neither of us are particularly concerned with this. The biggest issue so far is that he has a son. I'm a bit younger than Shibi, and while we have similar life experience, not everyone sees it this way. To put it plainly, he's in his early forties. I'm in my late twenties. His child is in his late teens. That makes me only a few years older than his son. And I've never wanted kids anyway.

Would I be expected to be a step parent? He's already almost grown, that would be weird. Should I just try to be friends with him? That would feel so forced.

I try not to think about the whole son situation. When Shibi's not on a mission, he's taken to bringing me on his trips to study insects. We set up two tents in the woods, go hunt for rare or specific insects all day, and then wind up using only one of the tents at night. I don't go to his house anymore unless Shino is out on a mission. It's not that I'm not welcome, I just feel awkward. He comes to my house as frequently as he can find an excuse.

One of the few days that Shino was out and Shibi was in, we met in his home. It was the first time we were together in his bed. We drank a little wine and spent the whole afternoon twisted together in his sheets. His scent was everywhere on his things, and I was in ecstasy feeling so surrounded by him. His kiss was as passionate as ever, as needy as ever, and I was lost in it.

"I feel like I could die here, with you, and have no regrets. I'm so happy, Shibi, but I'm not just happy. I'm perfectly content."

"Then stay with me, Irie. Move in. Let me see you every day. Sleep beside me every night."

"You know I can't. I can't be the person Shino needs in his life, and that's what's really most important here."

"You would be a fine step-parent. I have been raising him on my own for years now, I'm not asking you to take on a guiding role in his life."

"It's not so much that I'm afraid of guiding, I know you wouldn't throw me into something like that without support. But a step-parent is a certain level of responsibility. I would be responsible for him, whether it's outright asked of me or not. I'm not sure I could ever care for any children."

I rolled out of his bed and walked over to his window, leaning against the sill and letting the cool air wash over me.

Hopefully this can clear my head a little.

He stepped behind me, leaning against me and staring out the window. I am familiar enough with his habits to know that he was waiting for me to continue.

"Do you remember that spider you sent me a picture of when you were on a mission near the Sand Village?"

"Stegodyphus lineatus. Just a desert spider."

"I missed your habit of explaining the most interesting facts about the insects you show to me, so I looked into this one on my own. Are you familiar with their maternal habits? A female Stegodyphus lineatus will eat as much as she possibly can before reproducing. She will ignore her own natural limits and preferences to stuff more food in. When her young are ready to leave their egg sac, she chews it open for them. She then regurgitates the food she's eaten so that they may feed off of it while they are still too helpless to hunt on their own. When she no longer has anything to digest and regurgitate, she starts to digest herself. She will not leave her young to hunt, and she will not let them suffer for it. She continues regurgitating pieces of herself and feeding them to her children until she dies. Her children literally feed off of her until there's nothing left."

"That's just one dramatic case."

"In the same article I read that in, the paternal habits of the Abedus herberti were discussed. They end up with eggs glued to their wings, like a giant target for anything looking for an easy meal. They disregard their own health and well being to protect those eggs from anything that comes near them. They go on hunting for food and shelter and defending themselves while carrying, essentially, a clutch of free food on their backs. They regularly risk their own lives for eggs that might not even hatch. As soon as they hatch, the young might very well just be eaten anyway, making his efforts worthless. He suffers endlessly for the chance that those eggs might be able to survive. Many die."

"Irie, I'm not asking that you be that for him."

"I could never sustain that level of care for a child. I can't even comprehend that level of sacrifice. But I feel it would be necessary, as a parent, to be willing to do anything for your children. That's part of why I respect you so much. I know that you would do anything for him and I…"

Don't say 'love' yet.

"...like you very much for it. He deserves that, and nothing less. And I do not think that I could ever be that. For my own sake. I can never be that sort of person, and I will not be anything less. Do you understand?"

"I didn't think I could either. I respect anything you feel in that regard. So what would you like to do about it?"

"Honestly? Ignore it for now. We still have a few hours before anyone should be looking for either of us…"

He smiled and kissed me, leading me back to his bed.

"Anything for you, Irie."