Disclaimer: The world of Harry Potter and its characters are not mine.
Contains: Mild sexual content and language
A/N: Written for Padfoot & Prongs Discord Starbuck Ship Week (Day 4: secrets & confessions, only one bed).
To the Marrow of the Bone
The night was quiet and deep as the sea in the shabby guest room above the pub. Lying awake on the hard double bed, Sirius savoured the sensation of James' back pressing up against his back, a presence that gave him comfort on this cool autumn night. He listened to the sound of James' slow, even breathing, counting every breath as though every breath James took was his own.
They had finished running an errand for the Order when they decided on a whim that instead of going home, they would go for a ride on Sirius' motorcycle. Their aimless wandering brought them to a quaint Muggle village not yet visited by the wizarding war, where the only place that served food after eight in the evening was the village pub. After eating their fill and downing a mug of beer or two in the taproom, they decided to stay for the night.
"We'll probably get an earful from Remus when we get back," James sighed before finishing his mug of beer. Feeling a sting in his chest, Sirius shot James a sidelong glance, but James did not seem to notice. "I'll drag him along next time. He works too hard."
"My bike wasn't designed to accommodate three grown wizards," Sirius muttered as he flicked the ashes on his cigarette into the ashtray. "One of you would have to sit in the sidecar."
James flashed Sirius a grin, a lopsided grin that meant he was up to no good. "Don't worry. I'll let him ride on my lap." And Sirius did not want to hear this anymore. Without ceremony he held the cigarette to James' lips, and James, smiling a little, took a drag on the cigarette and exhaled a breath of smoke into the air.
There was only one room available and only one double bed in the room, but neither Sirius nor James minded. The owner of the pub gave them a strange look before giving them their room key and reminding them not to make a ruckus.
James fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, but Sirius was awake and alert. Even the faint buzz of alcohol could not lull him to sleep. In the dark, countless strands of thoughts swirled in his head, and they all revolved around a certain someone who was sound asleep beside him, oblivious to everything—a certain someone who could never be his and his alone.
A prickle of bitterness and restlessness came over Sirius. Even though he was James' best friend, even though he was the one James confided all his secrets to, he was not the one James wanted most. Stricken with a fit of agitation, he turned around and faced James. In the dimness of the room, he could just make out the contour of James' lean figure, a familiar figure he could easily pick out in the crowd.
Unable to resist, he reached out and ran his hand lightly along James' back, feeling his way like the blind. He mapped out every curve and every protrusion beneath James' thin T-shirt: the shoulder-blade, the rib cage, the spine, the hip bone. Slowly he trailed his finger down James' spine, from the nape peeking out beneath the T-shirt to the tail end just beneath the waistband of James' underpants.
When James shivered and stirred, Sirius stopped moving and held his breath, his heart pounding in his chest. Several tense seconds passed by, and James did not stir again. The night grew deeper still in the room, and a hollow feeling rippled ever outwards inside Sirius. Even though James was by his side, he felt alone. Heaving a sigh, Sirius withdrew his hand and moved away.
"Keep going, Sirius." A voice rang out in the dark.
Sirius froze, unable to tell fantasy from reality in the enveloping darkness. Something rustled on the bed; the mattress shifted ever so slightly; a certain someone took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. Perhaps it was nothing more than a feverish dream, but Sirius did not care anymore. Without a word he settled down on the bed and touched James' back. When James did not shy away from his touch, he slipped a hand under James' T-shirt and caressed the warm, naked skin underneath.
A vague sound escaped James' lips, a sound that might have been a gasp or a sigh. Wanting to hear more, Sirius pulled up James' T-shirt and ran his hand ever so slowly along James' side, stroking him, adoring him, familiarising himself with James' body. Through his hand he could feel James' body heaving slightly as James breathed in and out, in and out.
"Haven't shagged anyone lately?" James teased, but there was something raw in his voice, as if he was not as nonchalant or composed as he would like to be.
"Shut up." Surrendering to his impulse and instinct, Sirius pressed up against James and breathed in the smell of James' hair, the smell that was uniquely James'. Reaching over, he toyed with James' nipple and felt it stiffen between his fingers.
"What happened to whatshisface?" James murmured.
"Nothing happened," Sirius lied. He knew who James was talking about, but he could no longer recall the face, much less the name of the man who was nothing more than a one-night-stand. (Other than the glasses and the messy dark hair.) All he could think about right now was James' voice, James' smell, James' reaction, James' body, James' heat.
James let out a noncommittal sound. "Are you in love with someone?"
You are cruel, always has been and always will be, Sirius thought with a pang. "Yes," he said, his finger tapping out the codes on James' abdomen, the secret codes that only he and James understood. I love you. I want you.
Silence lengthened, as though he and James were no longer in a guest room above a Muggle pub but at the bottom of the sea. Sirius felt queasy, and he could do nothing but wait for the final judgement. At length, James heaved a breath and leant into Sirius' embrace, their bodies fitting together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
"Aren't we going to shag?" James whispered, his voice low and husky with a hint of a purr. "I'm not letting you leave me hanging like this."
A thrill trailed down Sirius' back, and his heart skipped a beat. It was not much of an answer, a part of him knew, but he would take anything James was willing to offer. Letting go of what little restraint he had left in him, he nuzzled James' neck and reached down between James' legs, his fingers tracing the contour of James' desire.
A shiver coursed through James' body, and Sirius shivered with him. James was panting, and Sirius panted with him and breathed with him. As though torn between wanting to let out his voice and not wanting to be heard, James half buried his face in the pillow, his neck bared for Sirius' lips, tongue, teeth. Tasting the sweat on James' skin, Sirius left his mark on James' neck, however short-lived the mark would be, however brief a time he could make James his and only his.
"It's not fair you are having all the fun," James panted.
Jolted out of his dark thoughts, Sirius paused for a moment and reluctantly let James go. With a heavy sigh James shifted his position and lay down on his back. In the next moment, a pair of arms reached out for Sirius and drew him in. Chapped lips sought his lips in the dark, lips that tasted of alcohol and the cigarette they shared. As a myriad of emotions swept Sirius under like ocean waves, he caught James' lips in a kiss and let himself drown.
They sought each other in the dark as if they were the only ones left in the world, kissing, tasting, fondling, exploring, taking each other in. They were breathing in unison, their heart beating in synchrony—if only for a while. When James took him in his mouth, Sirius lost himself and shattered into pieces, and he knew he could never be put back together in the same way as before again.
"Do you think I'm greedy?" James asked afterwards while sitting between Sirius' legs, a cigarette dangling between his fingers and his warm breath brushing against Sirius' face.
"I don't have to think," Sirius said without a second thought. "You are."
James chuckled for a beat or two. Resting a hand on Sirius' shoulder, he tapped out a secret message for Sirius to decipher. I know—two simple words that nonetheless held too many meanings. Stricken with a terrible pang in his chest, Sirius leant forward and silenced James' lips with a lingering kiss. Nothing more was said.
A streak of gold coloured the eastern sky by the time Sirius and James left the pub. There was a chill in the air; the grass and the fallen leaves were rimed with frost. Feeling strangely light on this brisk morning, Sirius took a deep breath. The air smelled of autumnal decay and freshly baked bread. Memories of the night before remained inside him; they were under his skin, in his blood, in his mind, in his bones, in his marrow.
Pushing the thought out of his mind, Sirius swung his leg over his motorcycle and started up the engine with a wordless spell. Like a sleeping beast being woken by the scent of a prey, the motorcycle roared to life and pulsated beneath Sirius, its rumbling sound piercing through the quietude of the sleepy village.
"Let's do this again," James said.
His heart skipped a beat, Sirius stared at James, whose liquid hazel eyes were fixed upon his face with a searching look he had seen from time to time. The slightest quirk of a smile passed James' lips, a smile that only appeared when he was feeling nervous or uncertain—as uncertain as Sirius himself was feeling right now.
Torn between not daring to hope but wanting to hope all the same, Sirius heard himself say, "The detour after the mission?" His voice sounded raspy to his ear. "Or the sex?"
"Both." With that James climbed on behind Sirius and wrapped his arms around Sirius' waist, his body fitting snugly against Sirius' body as if they were two halves of the same being, as if once upon a time they were one and the same. "It will be our secret."
"You are a bloody tosser," Sirius muttered, and James only laughed. James Potter was not a good man, Sirius knew it all too well, and he would not have it any other way. "We'll go somewhere else next time and shag all night long." Even if that's not all I want from you, he thought. "You'd better prepared yourself, Prongs."
"So says the dog," James said in a playful tone before nuzzling Sirius' neck and stirring him up as only James Potter could. "I'll be the one leaving a mark on you next time."
Feeling James' arms tighten around him in an affectionate embrace, Sirius steered the motorcycle into action, and yielding to his command, the motorcycle rumbled down the gravel road, taking Sirius and James away from the peaceful Muggle village and back to their war-torn reality.
Finis.