Disclaimer: I do not own Euphoria or any of the characters. I only own my OCs.

A/N: So I finally did. I've published my Euphoria fanfic.

Is it gonna hurt writing this? Yes. Am I adding a lot of me into my OC? Fuck yeah. So that'll probably be why updates won't be as fast because this is a story I want to be perfect. I ain't messing around, this story is gonna be intense.

Warning: OCD/Intrusive thoughts, self harm, and dissociating happen in this chapter and future chapters. I myself suffer from OCD/Intrusive thoughts, and I am dealing with it and healing everyday. If any of you are suffering with this as well ask for help. Please. I am here also if you need someone to talk to.

Here's the first chapter. The beginning part is told through Rue's POV/narration. Also Nayeli's face-claim is Jenna Ortega.

Chapter 1: Nayeli Martinez

One of my best friends, Nayeli Martinez, was never supposed to be born. I'm not saying that to be fuckin' mean or anything. She actually told me that herself one time when we were getting high in her bedroom.

Nayeli was never one to open up about herself, not even to me, and like with Lexi, I've known her since we were in grade school. The three of us used to be a trio, before you know, real life shit happened. I noticed, even before shit hit the fan, that Nayeli never liked talking about herself. She was even more reserved than Lexi.

But I guess weed made it easier for her to share personal stuff.

Nayeli told me that her mom got pregnant in her forties, and that she was clearly an unplanned child. That it probably would have been better if her mom had gotten an abortion. But since her mom and dad were Hispanic and Catholic, getting an abortion was never an actual option. Getting a divorce, because their marriage wasn't solid anymore, also wasn't an option. So nine months later, Nayeli Martinez was brought into the world.

And now here she was, confused and miserable. She was floating around, having no idea what the fuck to do, like me.

The best way to describe Nayeli's relationship with her parents in one word would be: Complicated.

Since her mom had her in her later years, Nayeli was never able to really connect with her. Not in the way she would see with other daughters and moms. Her mom was also on the stern side, and her dad wasn't, so naturally she favored her dad.

Her dad meant the world to her when she was younger. He definitely was more like a friend than a dad, and her mom….well, her mom was the serious one between her parents. Nayeli didn't know much about her mom's own childhood, but maybe if she had known she would have understood why she turned out the way she did. It wasn't like her mom was abusive, because she wasn't. She was the typical Hispanic mom. Nayeli was a sensitive soul though, and that often clashed with her mom's steely personality.

She often felt useless when around her mom, thinking she would do something wrong to earn a negative comment. Her mom sometimes also annoyed her with her sharpness but truthfully, whenever looking back at the past, she realized she really could have been a better daughter. She especially thought this during her mom's final days.

Nayeli's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when she was twelve, and she died when Nayeli was fourteen. The same year my own dad died. It was only a few months after her mom.

That was a fucked up time for the both of us.

We both lost a parent but in a way Nayeli lost two.

The image of having a wonderful dad for Nayeli was permanently ruined when her mom had been dying with cancer. As it turned out her dad was cheating on her mom, and Nayeli often had to help her mom read the texts in her dad's cellphone between him and that other woman because her mom couldn't read English herself.

That fuckin' sucked.

After her mom died Nayeli went to live with her oldest brother. She had three brothers in total, but the oldest of the three still lived in East Highland. Much like with her mom, and now dad, Nayeli's relationship with her brothers wasn't the strongest, but that's a whole other topic.

Her dad now lived in Arizona, with the woman he'd been cheating with behind her mom's back when she had been sick.

Now she barely talked to her dad. Not for his lack of trying but hers. She purposely didn't answer his calls and always kept her texts short. Maybe it was childish, or maybe not, but this was her own way of showing her anger towards her dad. She figured he'd get the point and stop trying to contact her, but that day had yet to arrive.

She often thought about what exactly she would yell at him if she ever got the courage. Whatever courage she halfheartedly believed she had would always go away whenever she actually spoke to her dad.

But the thoughts stuck with her.

And the thoughts would change over time.

Not always for the better.

Nayeli's brain was a complex thing. A lot of the times she thought things she didn't want to think about, or even mean, but the thoughts appeared and the more she picked at them the longer they would stick. She always kept those thoughts to herself because she knew they would be bothersome for others to hear.

Those fuckin' intrusive thoughts. They haunted her.

It happened to be one of the reasons why she was the way she was. Closed off and fuckin' filled with anxiety. And when you're closed off and anxious you either miss out or you make mistakes.

Believe me, I can relate with Nayeli about that.

I made a lot of mistakes too. I failed to realize just how much Nayeli was struggling with. I should have been a better friend to her. I should have been nicer to her and Lexi.

I should have been nicer to a lot of people.

Lexi was talking, and Nayeli was barely holding on to whatever her insightful friend was saying. Nayeli was slowly disappearing. Where exactly was she disappearing to? She had no idea. The seventeen year old didn't feel like she was actually there with her best friend in her bedroom. Not mentally, anyways.

The sound of a notification alert coming from a cellphone brought Nayeli out of her numbness. She blinked, looking at Lexi. The brunette saw the way Lexi was staring at her, as if waiting to respond to what she had been saying. Nayeli bit the inside of her cheek, feeling bad. She replied in a faint voice.

"That sounds great, Lex."

Lexi couldn't help but frown, eyes crestfallen. Her friend often spaced out, and every time she did so it made her feel awful. Lexi was aware that it wasn't about her, and that's why she felt awkward bringing the issue up.

She'd done it before and Nayeli always responded in a nonchalant tone that it made Lexi want to cry. Who knew a nonchalant response would be able to do that. Except this was Nayeli, her best friend. She'd known her since preschool, and knew when something was bothering her.

Nayeli was never one to talk about herself, she was stubborn like that. So Lexi kept the conversation going as strong as she could.

"Yeah…it is great. That Rue is getting out of rehab in a few days." Lexi repeated what she said because she knew Nayeli hadn't heard her at all.

Nayeli's eyebrows raised. Oh…that's what she had been talking about. That technically was great news, so what she said did go with it.

"Right." Nayeli murmured.

Rue.

She felt her throat start to hurt a little, her eyes watered a bit at the thought of her friend. She hadn't seen her since the beginning of the summer, before her overdose. The memory of her older brother telling her the awful news of her overdose was still with her.

Overdose. Drugs. Rue. Your fault. Should have told someone about her doing drugs. Drugs. Could have died. What if it was you? Imagine it. It's you. Why are you making it about you? This is about Rue. Drugs. Overdose.

Nayeli wanted so much to do what she usually did when she was alone with her thoughts when they got this bad in order to stop them. Except she couldn't exactly smack her forehead in front of Lexi without her asking her what the fuck she was doing hurting herself and worrying over her.

"Her mom told you?" Nayeli asked, hoping talking would lessen the urge to smack her forehead. Silly hope, but hope still.

Lexi nodded her head. "Well, she told my mom, who then told me." She bit her bottom lip. "Are you happy we're gonna see Rue again?"

Wasn't the answer obvious? "Yeah." Nayeli answered quietly. "Aren't you?"

"I am." Lexi right away responded. She let out a sigh. "I just can't help but remember the way she looked when I saw her at the hospital. But maybe seeing her again, you know, all better and clean will finally get that image out of my head."

Oh how I wish it were the same for me.

Nayeli thought before the thoughts turned meaner.

No you don't. You like seeing the image of Rue in the hospital. Drugs. Overdose. The fucks the matter with you?

Nayeli didn't mean that at all but her brain kept telling her she was a liar. I'm not a liar!

Yes you are!

Nayeli pursed her lips. She really wanted to push away those thoughts but couldn't do what she needed to do. So she started fidgeting with her fingers. She saw the way Lexi frowned, narrowing her eyes at her behavior. The concern was clear in her soft eyes, and Nayeli knew she had to keep talking in order to distract her from asking what was wrong.

"Should we visit her? Or do you think we should wait for her to come to us?" The question was a distraction but Nayeli also meant it. She really did want to see Rue again.

Lexi spoke eloquently, moving around her hands as she sometimes did. She did it so smoothly that it somehow relaxed Nayeli for a little bit. "I read that we shouldn't ambush someone who's in recovery. That it's better to wait for them to reach out to you. Plus she's gonna have her mom and sister with her, and maybe that'll be overwhelming enough."

"That's true." Nayeli agreed. "So I guess we'll wait for her then."

There was another notification alert sound, and this time Nayeli realized it was coming from her cellphone. She saw that it was from her older brother Joaquin. She unlocked the screen to read the texts he sent.

As Nayeli was reading the texts, she smelled Cassie before she even entered the bedroom. Cassie always smelled of something flowery or vanilla. It was girly. That was Cassie. That didn't mean she was a fan of what she used for perfume, lotion, or shampoo. Or rather the amount she used. Nayeli wrinkled her nose, thankfully the action not being noticed by Cassie. Lexi noticed but she just giggled.

"Hey, Nelly." Cassie said, giving her a polite smile as she took a seat on her bed.

Nayeli no longer grimaced when the nickname Nelly came out of Cassie's mouth. For the longest time only Lexi and Rue called her by that nickname and then one day Cassie started saying it. At least she said it in a kind tone. Maddy said the nickname with the same tone and Nayeli always liked it whenever the Perez girl said it. She gave her a small wave. "Hey Cas."

Knowing Lexi since they were kids meant Lexi knew Cassie as well. Lexi's older sister was sweet but Nayeli never failed to see her non-sweet moments. Mainly whenever she was being insensitive towards Lexi. Cassie may have not realized how damaging or rude her side comment could be towards Lexi but Nayeli certainly did, it still pissed her off.

It reminded her of the way her own older brothers were with her. Well not at all her brothers, just Curtis in particular. He was the second oldest of her brothers and he could be a real jerk to her, making jokes or picking on her. Curtis knew she was sensitive but continued on with his teasing.

He would say it was just him kidding around but it still chipped away at her confidence, whatever remained. It's why she didn't make a lot of effort to keep in contact with him and only saw him during family birthdays or the holidays. Which she felt bad about because aside from those required family gatherings she didn't get to see her nephew and niece, who were close to her age. They were more like cousins, and frankly she never liked being called Aunt Nayeli. It felt fuckin' weird.

"So Nelly are you staying for dinner?" Cassie asked, her smile still there but Nayeli didn't fail to see how it wasn't as bright as before.

"Uh…" Nayeli uttered, suddenly feeling overwhelmed.

Overdose. Drugs. Rue.

Fuck, of course those thoughts came back. Not that they ever left. Nayeli bit the inside of her cheek, harder. She tasted metallic, and she wanted to spit it out. Of course she couldn't in front of Lexi and Cassie. So she swallowed it, and afterwards felt like crying.

"We're having spaghetti. Come on stay, it'll be fun." Lexi offered with a smile that Nayeli preferred over Cassie's. However it wasn't enough to convince her she wasn't a burden.

Nayeli shook her head. "That's okay my brother texted saying he's almost home anyways." That was a lie, his text said the complete opposite. Her brother Joaquin worked as an electrician. His job was about an hour away from where they lived. So he usually came home late because traffic sucked.

That meant takeout from whatever place that was around their apartment. Nayeli wouldn't wait that long. She would just heat up a burrito or something from their fridge. Or perhaps she'd stop by Fezco's store and buy enough snacks to fill her stomach.

Joaquin didn't like her riding her bike in that part of East Highland but fuck it. The snacks were at a lesser price at Fezco's convenience store. Plus he was nice enough to start a conversation with her, and he didn't make her anxious.

"Are you sure?" Lexi asked, sounding disappointed and that made Nayeli feel even more shitty but she continued with her lie.

"Yeah, I'll just see you tomorrow, Lexi." Nayeli tried reassuring her. She stuck her cellphone into the pocket of her basketball shorts. Not that she actually played basketball. They were loose and comfortable, and had fuckin' pockets. That to Nayeli qualified as the best type of clothing.

"Bye, Cas." Nayeli forced out a goodbye wave to the blonde who was now scrolling down her cellphone. She didn't look up as she returned the wave.

"Okay, well, text me when you get home to know you got there safely." Lexi said softly, disappointment still on her features.

"Will do." Nayeli said and then walked out of the Howard sisters' bedroom. She was going to say goodbye to Suze Howard but the sound of her opening up another wine bottle from the kitchen made her stop herself from doing that.

Not that Suze was a mean drunk but Nayeli knew that if she tried talking to her mid-drink she would be there forever. Nayeli quickly left through the front door.

It was then when she was outside the Howard home that she finally smacked her forehead. Her thoughts came to a momentary halt. She could breathe better now, and she felt better too. Unfortunately she also knew better.

The cycle would start again, and like always Nayeli would take part in it.