A Retire
Alex wasn't quite sure what the final straw had been. Well, that was a lie. He knew exactly what the last straw had been. Who. In the fuck. Wanted. Deadlier. Hippos. They ate enough people on their own, thank you very much. Alex was also fairly certain that he'd seen a documentary somewhere in which a drug lord disposed of his enemies by throwing them to the hippos. Then, they had the bright idea to give the hippos lasers. Via an attachment to their skulls. The hippos had been in constant pain while the laser had been attached to their heads.
This had caused them to rampage several times a day. You would have thought they would have learned their lesson after the first pair of hippos with lasers escaped into the jungle to terrorize the world. But no. They had ordered a second pair. And a third pair. Who was standing next to him currently. MI6 had sent him after getting suspicious at the sixth hippo. Nobody who was doing anything remotely ethical wanted six hippos.
The hippo shuffled nervously next to him as Alex brought out the device to remove the contraption from their heads. He was pretty sure the hippos would heal from this. The key slid in and the lock clicked. The first one stamped and let out a huffing noise. Alex ran a hand down its side. Was this what a dinosaur would be like? Maybe. The leathery hide shifted under his hand. Alex slid the key into the lock of the second device. The hippo was freed at the click. Its breath scattered his hair in a rather ripe wave of air. Alex wondered if he was about to be the hippo's next snack. The enormous animals began stomping their feet and bellowing. What in the fu-
CRUNCH!
The hippos charged the power station near the base. Alex gaped at the pure destruction that the hippos wrought with a few charges and giant chomps. The power went out around him. Alex lit the torch he carried with him. He picked up the cans of gasoline that were kept near the door in case of a power outage. The doors and windows were locked tightly. He wasn't inclined to let people who wanted to fight a war with hippos have an easy time of it. The gasoline flowed from the can as Alex walked in a circle around the complex. The above-ground portion wasn't that large. He would have to hope that the fire or smoke got to the air filtration system.
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex looked up as he continued to move. The hippos' blood must have attracted the vultures. They were proper ugly vultures as well. The scaly skin. The beady eyes. The hooked talons. He continued pouring the gasoline as more and more of them gathered around him. Alex wondered why he attracted so many carrion birds. The hippos hadn't bled that much. Then again, the carrion birds seemed to follow him everywhere he went. If it wasn't vultures, it was crows. The black feathers shimmered in the light of the flare. Alex wondered if it was a bad sign. Well, there was probably going to be death soon. Alex struck the match and dropped it into the gasoline puddle.
FWOOSH!
The flames encircled the building almost instantly. They jumped from the lower parts of the building to the roof. The fire burned so brightly it hurt his eyes for a few minutes. Alex turned around to see that the hippos were long gone. The birds remained, watching him. It looked like hundreds of giant, oversized birds. Vultures were quite large for birds. Alex only knew that because they seemed to follow him everywhere he went.
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex rolled his eyes at the birds. "There's nothing dead here, feather balls."
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex folded his arms. "I am very much alive, thank you very much."
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex sighed and pulled out his phone to call Crawley. Another day, another wrap. MI6 didn't even pretend his missions were all high priority anymore.
CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex froze. He felt a bit stupid talking to birds. "You don't like the phone?"
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex put the phone away. Even more fucking vultures were showing up. He was eighty percent sure there were no recorded cases of giant teams of vultures hunting live animals, let alone humans. They fed on the dead only. His hair stood on end as yet another flock showed up. This was rapidly getting freaky. Maybe there was something to those mutterings people had about him being unnatural after all. "Why are you all here?"
CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!
Another flock of vultures landed on the nearby trees. Weren't those fuckers endangered?! Alex was pretty sure at least half the population was sitting in front of him. Well, this was officially weird beyond his incredibly liberal standards. Alex reached for his phone and immediately got a face full of vulture. He tried to swear around the feathers in his mouth. "Puh."
CAAAWW! CAWWW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW! CAW!
What in the ever-loving fuck was going on? Did he accidentally interrupt a meeting of the secret sapient vulture cabal? Well, he was sorry. Maybe if he just tried walking away? He could always call Crawley later. It wasn't like he couldn't survive in the wilderness for a few days or however long it took to ditch the feathered fuckers. Alex started walking. The vultures began following him. Alex stubbornly refused to run away from fucking vultures. They were peaceful birds. Well, except for hating technology but whatever.
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex would die happy if he never heard that noise again. The vultures had been following him in their giant flock. He hadn't been able to ditch them. Every time he tried to call Crawley, they dive-bombed him. Was this normal vulture behavior? Alex was starting to wonder why he even wanted to go home. There was no Jack. There was no Tom. His actual home had been bombed out. It was just some crummy apartment. Did he want to go back?
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex glared up at the offending bird flock. Fuck it. He didn't. Especially if his mission came with a side of being stalked by carrion birds. Alex had back-ups. Plans. For when MI6 decided to burn him. When not if. There was a pattern they kept with agents. There was a reason Scorpia remnants never lacked a pool of decent recruits. Alex decided that he was going to try for that quiet retirement in a fishing village. Starting with destroying his phone. A separate one in his pocket would quietly drain his accounts to his new identity, among other things. He would eventually be declared dead or MIA.
CAW! CAW! CAW!
The second he destroyed his phone, the vultures began to disperse. Well, perhaps he would miss them after all. Flock after flock took off and left. Alex let out a breath and let a sense of relief wash over him. No more MI6 reports. No more drama. Hopefully, they would think he was dead and leave him alone.
CAW! CAW! CAW!
Alex looked at the remaining bird. He gestured at the sky. The bird glared at him. Alex tentatively offered his arm. Usually, only trained birds knew what that meant. The vulture flapped over to him. It stepped up his arm and settled on his shoulder. It was a heavy feather ball. "I guess it's time to find alternative travel arrangements."
Alex was unsure if the airlines would accept a pet vulture. But he had a bit of a hike before it was a problem.
Fin
Based on a prompt by Zyzyax (see story summary). This is the 141st work in the Winds of Change 2022 Alex Rider Prompt event, where a new prompt (plus a short 1-3K work) is posted every day. For more details, see the AO3 collection :) Want to discuss? Leave a comment beneath, or join the discord (Link on AO3 Fics or just PM me, lol). Want to take part in our Alex Rider anniversary celebrations in September? Join the WoC discord to take part in a fanfic event! Want to showcase your work to your fellow fans and authors? The WoC server has a new feature! Any author who joins can ask to join our authors' feed, which shows all the fics from the authors who opt in, including non-AR fics!