It's as if a bell should be chiming in the distance, ringing in midnight or ringing just to say how late it is or how absolutely exhausted she is. Shirayuki wants to lay down, wants to sleep her life away to break the weariness off of her and give her a chance to get some much needed fresh air.
And yet, she knows that sleep isn't really what she wants most right now, though surely it is a tempting thought, one that she refuses to completely shake off. And yet, she's sitting in a far too fancy office, and somehow Zen's followed her here. Her husband looks downright exhausted, as tired as she feels, and she wants to wrap him up with maybe a blanket, offer him some comfort.
But her shoulders feel stiff, and she doesn't move.
"Is everything okay?" Zen's tired voice carries over to her, worried about the fact that she's up so late, that she's never made it back to their room to sleep, worried about her. He came out here to find her, to find her still tucked away in her office, the image of a lost princess.
"Not really." Shirayuki answers, sounding so many years older than she actually is, "It's late."
"It is." Zen's voice is a breathless sigh, "But you haven't moved."
"I-I want..." Shirayuki's voice breaks, and she tries to shake the tears out of it and the tiredness like she's shaking a leaf dry, it doesn't work, "I want to work on herbology again, somehow." It's like a broken echo before, though the only place she'd ever said it before now was in her head, endless swirls and torrents of thoughts that go back and forth. It feels like a foolish wish, like reaching out to a genie to ask for a hug for a wish, instead of something tangible and real, something long lasting.
Zen's quiet at first, mulling over the words he's probably not even sure he's heard, "We can talk to Brother and to Garack. We'll figure something out." He means it; there's raw honesty in his deep blue eyes, and it takes over the exhaustion, lays the exhaustion to bed, tucks it in good.
Shirayuki smiles; it feels flat and hollow. She's so, so tired. "Thank you." And she means this too, and maybe discussing this with Zen isn't setting a plan in action or accomplishing much of anything, but it's the solid truth. She's grateful for his support that has never collapsed, never been let go of, even after all these years.
"You're welcome." Zen gets up, and though they are young adults, Shirayuki's positive that she just heard her husband's bones creak.
"Are you okay?" She's a nervous mess and not one all at once; the nerves are all inside of her, and yet she's hurrying over. Shoulders go from stiff to almost liquified in seconds.
"Just tired, a little run down." Zen grins, and Shirayuki sees a young, lively prince in that smile, sees the same man she met, because he'd ran away from the castle to be away from it all for a few days. It's a nice little glimpse into their history, one that warms up her chest and lifts her lips up into a smile.
"You're not an abandoned building." Shirayuki jokes, and Zen's grin widens.
"You think we'll get into trouble, if we break into the pharmacy?" He asks instead, and she wonders how he comes up with the most likely plan to get the two of them in trouble.
"Probably." Shirayuki answers, and looks over at her husband, half-questioning.
"Okay." He looks pensive for a moment, caught between a whirlwind of action, and Shirayuki rests her hand right above his, gingerly tracing half-circles on Zen's wrist.
Shirayuki isn't fazed nor surprised, when Zen reaches his hand up, twisting it around, to grab hers, just to hold her hand in his. It feels like years that they haven't yet lived are shaved off of their shoulders, making them youthful and young again, letting them be young adults, letting them just be an in love married couple.
"Do you think that old house is still there?" Zen asks, out of nowhere, and Shirayuki smiles, a soft curving of her lips with extra affection.
"The one where we met?" Shirayuki asks, though she's pretty sure she already knows the answer to her own question.
"Yeah." Zen grins, "It was always better with you there."
"It might be." Shirayuki answers, "But it's probably a little run down by now." She tells him, even though sometimes they feel as run down as old buildings can get. She'd forgotten that Zen used to visit that house and hadn't randomly ended up there when she had.
"That's too bad." He squeezes her hand, and Shirayuki silently agrees. Yes, that's too bad. It was a beautiful place, one full of so many memories made there, of first meetings, and getting to know each other on pretty even footing. Now, they stand both as royalty and not just one, even footing sought after and acquired legally.
"I was tired." Shirayuki offers, lacking anything else to say, "I felt overwhelmed."
"Today?" Zen asks, to clarify, though they can both remember the anxiety that had clung to Shirayuki though she was better at hiding it away, storing it in little pockets and keeping a pretty level head. Some days, she wonders if she's anywhere near as good at balancing it now as she was then.
"Yeah." Shirayuki answers, practically dropping down to a whisper, "It's why I never went back to our room after work."
"I'm sorry about all this." Zen offers and kisses the back of Shirayuki's hand, and despite having been married for around a year now, her face lights up a brilliant shade of red.
"Don't apologize." Shirayuki tells him instead, "I love you, I want to be with you."
"I know." Zen sighs, and Shirayuki squeezes his hand just to make him meet her eyes, to look down into them, she wants him to see her resolution and her love. Today felt rough after a difficult week; she's never been a princess before getting together with Zen, and she's still learning the ropes.
"I'll be okay." Shirayuki tells him, offers her reassurance, "I'm just new to this is all. I'm the barkeepers' granddaughter. I've never been a princess before, and running an apothecary or being a court herbalist is all different than being a princess, but I'll get used to it. I'll learn, Zen, and I won't be like this all the time."
"I just want to make sure you're doing well, to leave a smile on your face, to make you happy." Zen offers, voice choked up with emotion, "I love you. I don't want you worn out and exhausted all the time, especially because it's what my position has led you to."
"I'll be okay." Shirayuki repeats, "After all, you're here with me." Her bold honesty paints her husband's face red, and Shirayuki smiles. Zen doesn't blush all the time, though when it's her words that do so, it feels especially warm to see it. She leans up on tiptoes and gives him a kiss on the lips, another reassurance but also an act of love. She loves him; she's married to him and wants to always fight alongside him. Even though the fighting is more political since they are royalty and not anything that most people look at and see teamwork in.
"I love you too." Zen whispers to her after their kiss, and Shirayuki smiles up at him. It's as if he's answered the love in her kiss.
"I love you." Shirayuki tells him, lets the words be said out loud, "Why do you want to break into the pharmacy anyway?"
"To let you do herbalist work?" Zen answers, looking a little embarrassed, "You miss it, and I haven't seen you work with plants in forever."
"Ryuu will be angry with us." She tells Zen, because Ryuu still often sleeps in the pharmacy, but Shirayuki leads her husband down familiar hallways that she hasn't walked in forever anyway.
"He'll forgive us, right?" Zen asks, and Shirayuki almost wants to laugh. Of course, he will. And besides Shirayuki hasn't seen him in months, and Ryuu might just be glad to see her again. Princess work is pretty good at keeping a woman busy after all, former herbalist or not.
"Definitely." Shirayuki tells her husband, and pulls him into the pharmacy, where a candle has gone dim in the several hours since it was last lit, and where there's a tall human sized lump underneath a desk. Shirayuki uses the one lit candle to light a few more, and tiptoes to the back where the herbs are stored to make something to help them relax and get some sleep. She counts the amount of herbs that she's looking for, and reads a detailed list for what they'll need them for.
There's just enough of a surplus that they probably won't miss a few, but she'd still go out to buy restock of later. She carefully takes a seat at one of the desks and starts to work, and Zen comes to stand beside her and watch as Shirayuki grinds herbs and sets to work.
There's a mumble from the desk nearby and when Ryuu pops his head up, he blinks over at the two of them as if trying to figure out if he's still dreaming or not.
"Shirayuki?" He drags out her name, like the day when he'd first said it, and Shirayuki smiles over at him.
"Yeah." Shirayuki whispers, holding up a finger to her lips, "We couldn't sleep." And it's the truth though in an absolutely simplified form.
"Oh." Ryuu sits up at his desk and watches her work, "You won't get in trouble, right?"
"Not unless you report us." Zen shrugs, and Shirayuki shoos at her husband, trying to get him to not practically tease Ryuu.
"I won't." He answers, and it's clear and true, and Shirayuki's so grateful for their friendship.
"We'll pay you back." Shirayuki answers, holding up the herbs that she's working with.
"It's okay." Ryuu says back, and Shirayuki smiles over at him. "It's been a long time."
"It has." Shirayuki practically sighs, "Politics keep me pretty busy." Just ruling over an area within Clarines by Zen's side keeps Shirayuki more than busy; her hands get full with all of the diplomatic and political steps that they must fulfil. Days stretch into evenings, and evenings are long.
"Do you miss it?" Ryuu asks, and Shirayuki smiles at him, a small little one that speaks volumes for her.
"Yeah," Shirayuki answers, "I miss working with you and the others, miss herbalist work, but I also really like being with Zen, being married to him, and being a princess isn't awful. I'll get used to it." Zen's face inevitably pinkened at Shirayuki pointing out that she likes being with him, likes being married to him.
"That's good." Ryuu answers and then pauses, "I'm sorry." He tacks on, realizing perhaps what all she'd said first.
"It's okay." Shirayuki finishes up with what she's making, and when she does get up, she goes over and gives Ryuu a hug, "See you later?"
"Yeah." Ryuu swallows, and Shirayuki, not for the first time, sees the man that Ryuu's grown into. He's strong and resilient in a way that reminds her of the toughest plants out there.
"See you." Zen offers with a wave, and Shirayuki wants to laugh. Zen and Ryuu rarely talk, but they do get along, even if it's likely to be long silences if they are left in one place for quite some time together.
"See you later." Ryuu tells him anyway, and Shirayuki's still smiling as she and Zen walk hand in hand back up to their bedroom. Surprisingly, hope has bloomed in her chest, and Shirayuki knows that things will be looking up from here on out, that they'll get better.
It might not be easy at first, but right now she feels a plethora of peace, and trusts that soon, they'll be walking hand in hand to an even bright future where Shirayuki doesn't feel half-crumbled underneath the weight of being a princess of the royal family, of marrying in and gaining several very new to her responsibilities. There's hope and peace, and Shirayuki trusts that both she and Zen will climb this mountain together.