POST Chp 47, Pre-Chp 48

Coming home isn't as easy as it should be.

Ziva stepped back into Gibbs' house their house. She had left the hospital as soon as they had been willing to release her. But, she was far from steady on her feet. she refused to let it show. Gibbs was only steps behind her and still, it almost felt like he was too far behind. She stepped into the living room and let the memory wash over her.

She'd been coming out of the kitchen the ream of paint samples in her hand when she'd recognized someone in the house. She'd expected McGee but the heavy scent of aftershave had turned her stomach and let her know that an enemy waited for her. She had reached for a weapon only to feel something hard pressed against her belly. Fear, as she had never known, had washed over her, stilling any action she might have taken.

Gibbs watched as Ziva stared at the floor. It was the spot where she had dropped the paint samples. Every inch of the way room had been left was etched in his mind. He walked toward her intent on easing the pain on her face. She flinched as his hand reached for her, her head twisting sharply from his hand even though his intent had been only to stroke her jaw as he'd done hundreds of times before. Rage washed over him forcing a bitter acid to burn his throat. He pulled his hand back clenching his fist as he shoved it into his pockets.

"Neshama I am sorry." Without realizing it she had stepped closer to him, it appeared to soothe him. "I have no fear of you."

Gibbs wrapped her carefully in his arms, held her expecting her to break in his arms. She held tightly her nails biting into the skin of his arms. He felt the wetness of her tears against his neck but she was eerily quiet. "'If it's too much Ziva tell me."

"You are the only thing that makes it all quiet Jethro." She lowered herself to the couch feeling every sore muscle and bruise but desperately trying to hide the pain from him.

Gibbs saw her pain and fought against trying to acknowledge it. "I should have found you sooner Ziva it is unforgivable."

"You have no blame in this. You have no guilt to bear." She looked down at the arm wrapped around her so darkly inked and forever scarred and she wanted to weep. But the grief was too overwhelming. All they'd lost was far too much for more than the trickle of moisture that escaped down her cheek now and then. "I do not blame you. Though I do not understand how you cannot blame me. You know what I planned to do.." Her words broke nausea forcing its way up her throat as she swallowed desperately trying to fight it.

Gibbs led her to the couch, settling next to her he held her chin in his fingers forcing her to see him. "You made the only choice available to you Ziva. The idea of that man and our child." The amount of terror that shot through him was visceral even knowing Locke was well and truly dead. "It's unthinkable, you thought things through knew what he is capable of, what the likelihood of being found was. You made the only choice you could Ziva, the only one. I could never hate you for that."

Ziva felt a small bit of relief, he was telling the truth, and yet she couldn't forgive herself. She felt his tears against her shoulder as he held her and stopped trying to hold hers back. Only long moments later was she able to breathe steadily. She was hungry the baby kicking wildly against his palm needed nourishment. The food at the hospital had worn off.

"Ziva?"

"I am hungry, please" the habit of that word snapped at her throat it came out angry and terse, something she'd never broken herself of since Locke's first demand of it. Only this time the word hadn't been necessary and the rolling of her stomach had her gripping the edge of the couch roughly. "Jethro..I"

Gibbs remembered the laughter as Locke had confirmed he'd made Ziva beg. The shame in her eyes as she looked away wasn't hidden. He stood abruptly, pacing away, and again she flinched. He cursed and knew this was all wrong. He needed answers, he was unsteady and they were both far too gone. Mike had made himself scarce somewhere and he was beginning to think that had been a bad idea. "Let's go in the kitchen Ziva. I'll make something for us." the thought of food made him ill, but he would eat if it meant she would.

Ziva followed him hating the emotional state she forced him into. She was failing, unable to pull away from that damn place of death and fear.

"In reality Ziva it's only been hours. We both are going to need time." she shook her head as he mixed eggs and began preparing for omelet's

"I want you to call Vance and Tony. Mike is already here." he didn't understand and would object but she asked anyway. "I need to give my statement now."

The eggs in the bowl sloshed out onto the counter and he almost set his hand down on the already hot burner. With a sigh, he turned it off and focused on her. The light outside reminded him evening was still some time away. "There's time another day. I told them they would have to wait."

"I can't Jethro. You're going to have so many questions. They are sitting there between us even now. I am willing to answer them but, I do not know how many times I can talk about it. I have to give my statement. Knowing that is the only thing that makes it so I can get through it. But I don't want to tell it all again and again."

"Mike doesn't have to be here, he wouldn't expect or Tony…" he didn't want this for her he wanted to bury it or at the least give her time. But as always she wanted it done and quickly. She didn't hide from the hard things never had.

"Mike needs to be here. Tony deserves to be." The determination in her eyes had him clenching the countertop.

"You want Mike here for me?" he almost denied that need, but something in the look of her eyes had him faltering. "Tony I understand."

"Do you Jethro?"

"Ziva the fact he loves you is difficult because we can't help him with it. But I'm not threatened by it. And you're right he deserves to be there. I accept what is." She flinched again biting hard on her lip when he mentioned Tony's feelings but he hadn't lied. Tony's feelings for her didn't worry him. Ziva was easy to love he could fight it or understand. Fidelity or any lack thereof wasn't even on his radar. A quick message had them all set to arrive as soon as they were able. He turned back to the food, adding more ingredients for the larger crowd there would be.

For the half-hour between his call and the arrival of first Vance and then Tony and Mike, they had remained in silence. Strained and awkward it had pressed heavily on them. Yet they couldn't leave each other's space for longer than a momentary trip through the bathroom.

At first, they sat around his coffee table staring into the fireplace. "Ziva asked you to come today, and for each of you specifically to be here. I would have put this off but."

"I insisted." Ziva wanted Gibbs to touch her, hold her hand something anything but despite being beside her he was far away. She understood it, hated the reasons. But Locke had changed things, her and he could see it. Vance had brought a calendar, a video camera, and the necessary paperwork. With a sigh she motioned for Vance to turn on the camera, then she began. "I'm not sure how accurate I can be on dates, time was lost to me somewhere along the way. I thought I kept track with hash marks but I came to find out I was off by many days."

"It's okay Ziva, just start from the beginning and we'll follow your lead." She and Gibbs sat close but it wasn't until Ziva started speaking that he finally saw them touch. Gibbs' hand drifted to tangle with hers but even at that slightest touch he saw Ziva almost pull away. He knew what that meant recognized it in the fury that briefly passed over Gibbs's face.

"I had made coffee, cut up some vegetables for dinner that night. McGee was working on some wiring at the back of the property. I think he said that he was wiring in a camera to the small shed back there. I had finished prepping dinner and started looking through a book of paint samples. There was a sound I knew was not right. I reached for my knife but he..Locke had a taser. He had it pressed to my stomach. I froze…when I should have done something, I froze. It was just long enough for him." She swallowed gripped Gibbs' hand tightly "He punched me. My nose started bleeding and it was just hard enough that I was a little woozy. He's not a lot bigger than me so I think his intention was to weaken me enough so I wouldn't fight him. But he also had a syringe with him. He told me he'd drug me if necessary so I think he just liked hitting me."

Mike watched both Gibbs and Tony pale, Gibbs swore and pushed his hands through his hair. Ziva looked at him her eyes drilling into him in a way Franks hadn't felt before. She was warning him and her next words proved it. This was why she wanted him here. "Jethro it is not the worst of it. You need to understand that."

Gibbs heard her words, they burned like acid through his brain. There was zero comfort in the fact that a glance at Tony showed the same rage he was feeling. "Ziva…"

"There's nothing you can do now Jethro."

"I'm aware Ziva, of all that I can't do." It was harsh, angry and he saw her blink through tears before retreating somewhere in herself. "Fuck." he stood and almost left her but he physically couldn't so he sat again. Hand back in hers he waited.

Ziva gathered herself. Looked down at the table. "I stopped fighting him when the syringe came out. I had to …" Bitter and angry she spit the words out. "He used duct tape, put me the trunk of his car. Not very original. But effective. He put headphones with music over my ears. He was smart enough to know I would try to listen for sound, estimate distance. Eventually, we got to the warehouse. He carried me in there and made me wait." This time she was forced to stand ignoring the way the camera followed her she stood by the window. the wind danced in the trees and the sun shown but she remembered the night, the oppressive darkness. "He didn't like my clothes. He said I was a queen and should be fitted as such."

A glance toward Gibbs and she was forced to look away. Shame pushed at her lungs forcing a rough breath. She wrapped her arms around herself trying to word things just right. "At this point, we were still in the main part of the warehouse. I had not seen what would be my room. Or the room where he did his "great work". But his throne was there. He sat there, by this time he had a gun, and he waited while I changed into the gown he gave me.

Tony felt something dark and ugly crawl through him, it was mirrored in the way Gibbs burned a hole in the floor at his feet. Nothing was said but rage swirled in the room.

"When I was done he presented the collar. It was ridiculous like a sick game of dress-up. There were two to start with one he put on me. The other he had placed ahead of time on a tree stump some distance away outside. It was dark but there was a spotlight. When he detonated the one outside it had its intended effect.

She looked at Mike again, just a brief glance before watching the wind again. "He liked the way I was dressed, it turned him on. He.." Her hand shook and she couldn't speak.

Vance sighed. "Gibbs perhaps if you took a walk." he'd misspoke when he saw the alarm on Ziva's face and the instant refusal from Gibbs'

"Like hell."

"We can go" Mike gestured to him and Tony.

"No Mike you will stay. It is necessary." she glanced to Jethro and knew he understood then. She ignored the scathing anger that came off Gibbs in waves. She couldn't ease that but Mike would temper him.

"Locke tried then …but he wasn't able to. He couldn't get hard enough. He kept trying but ..there were other times as well and he was never able to. After he finally gave up, he was angry very angry." She hadn't realized she'd been crying until she felt moisture splashing on her hands as she stared at them. "That beating was the most intense of them all. He was very careful to avoid the baby, but he got creative. Do you need more detail?"

Vance heard the question shaking his head, "That's enough. Why don't we take a break." truth be told he needed it. The camera switched off and she was gone up the stairs. Tony headed for the basement, and he took himself in the kitchen.

Mike watched Gibbs waiting for something but he was so still. He could have offered comfort but that would never work. "You're going to fuck this up, Jethro."

Jethro swung his head up pain stark and naked on his face knowing Mike would see the proof of it on his cheeks but he hadn't expected the chastising. "Excuse me."

"Your anger while valid is giving her the wrong impression."

"What the fuck Mike?"

"She thinks you see her differently, she's ashamed Probie. You can barely touch her and she knows it. You're trying to be careful with her but in her mind it's rejection."

Gibbs' didn't bother to ask where Mike's sudden font of wisdom had come from it was too accurate. "Dammit Mike, she flinches every time I move near her. I was just.."

"Apparently she has good reason. You do too for all your anger but you're going to have to get it together at least for now. Later we can talk, can work this shit through however you want. But here now."

"That's why she wanted you here, So I'd have someone to talk to, someone I trusted."

Mike only nodded. "You should probably go talk to that boy down there. I know what you told me he could use a little of what I just told you."

"I should go to her first."

"She's probably up there losing her breakfast. Give her time to armor up for the rest of this."

Gibbs cursed some more and made his way to the basement.

Tony had drunk a little more than necessary of the bottle of scotch he'd had to search for in Gibbs' basement. The dust on the bottle had caught him off guard but it hadn't tasted bad. When he heard Gibbs joining him he poured two more glasses.

Gibbs had held off drinking until they found her but now the small comfort was welcome.

"She told me the night we found her that he hadn't."

"Either she didn't want two men fighting on her behalf or in her mind it didn't actually happen because he..." Gibbs bit back bile. "I know this hurts you too Tony and why."

"Gibbs, I would never."

"I know Tony, she knows that but that doesn't mean it isn't there. I could never share her." just the thought had his hands clenching on the refilled glass. "But I don't expect you to turn it off. Don't push this down and ignore it. Not something I want to admit, but this is going to take time to work through she knew it and why she insisted you be here." He couldn't say more. But he felt the same as the slightest sound of pain slipped from Tony's throat. Pain seethed through all of them. No one in his home had been spared.

Again they sat surrounding his coffee table. The crackers she munched on and the smell of mint as he sat next to Ziva told him Mike's suspicions had been correct. He ignored the faint pulling away this time when he held her hand.

"It was mundane at first. But he had planned well. My room was bare-bones, comfortable yes but no electronics, nothing that would aid in removing the collar which is the only way I could have attempted to escape. After the first few days, he got bored. If I wanted to eat I had to ask, If I wanted to leave his side I had to ask, everything required a request. After a while, that would bore him and he'd almost forget I was there. Sometimes for days at a time." She didn't mention she'd learned to stash food for those days. "I barely spoke unless forced. It made him angry but everything made him angry."

For the sake of the report and more for everyone in the room, Vanced prodded a bit. "Did he ever tell you what he wanted?"

"Why you mean? He wanted me. He needed a woman to help him in his work or so he said. According to him, I was perfect. He insisted I was his Queen. It might have been funny. But it wasn't. He would dress as he forced me to dress, he would sit on his throne and talk about his kingdom. He went into detail about why each couple he'd taken and the next set he'd fixed on. " Ziva continued to give the details for the next hour before she was stumbling again. "I need a break."

"Of course. I'm going to grab takeout. Why don't you two grab some beer and we'll meet back here and finish up."

Ziva and Gibbs were left alone, the need to be close warring with the pain they were shouldering. "Ziva you know this wasn't your fault."

Ziva nodded but deep down she knew she should have tried harder. "My intent was always to protect the baby. There is nothing I was not willing to do."

He didn't comment, nothing he could say at that moment would come out right. But he held her close. She tolerated his touch but it was different from the hospital. All the adrenaline had worn off and tension had taken its place.

"What can I do for you Ziva? How can I help you?"

"I do not have an answer, Jethro. I am here I know I am safe, he is dead. But part of me is stuck there." Where before being honest with him had been easy, now it was a struggle. She stepped away. "I need the bathroom again."

Gibbs let her go and there was no more time to talk privately when the guys returned. The last of the interview was equally painful as the first. Locke's damage had been lengthy including forcing her to participate in the mummification of one of the bodies. The most difficult revelation was somewhere between Locke's threat to cut their child from her womb and her alluding to other sexual acts Locke had attempted. Gibbs was grateful when Vance didn't push for anything more than the vague mention Ziva gave.

"We're done, Vance." Night had just fallen and she was tired Gibbs didn't need her to tell him he could see it.

Vance turned off the camera and packed away all the finished paperwork. If Gibbs hadn't said something he would have ended it anyway. They had enough for the report he would be forced to file. He would have never filed one at all. But, Gibbs had killed a man, and on the off chance, someone raised a stink he needed an iron-clad case to back him up. Gibbs had written up his version of events and would have to give a videotaped one as well but that could wait.

"Tony why don't you take Ziva out to the back porch, get some air, and make sure she has something to drink." It was clearly and ordered regardless of how softly it was spoken. He waited for Ziva to object, instead, she just left the room without further comment. Tony followed her.

Gibbs turned to Vance. "They took some photos at the hospital, but I wouldn't them get overly….personal. I don't think I can…she can."

"Not a problem Gibbs. The only person who could refute her word is dead. The debrief was a legal cover. We have enough." Gibbs nodded and Vance was gathering his things. He needed breathing room of his own, and his wife. "I'll talk with you in a few days."

"Work?"

"I've put you on administrative leave. For now, I have the team pegged for a month. We'll go from there after that. Abby is still comfortable working and McGee will pop in if needed but the rest of you." He didn't say anymore the team dynamic was one he didn't always understand completely. But he wasn't going to push that issue right now.

"Thanks, I'll keep in touch."

Gibbs watched him leave, trying to push away the ugly of the day. Trying to not think about everything her words had brought to mind. Instead, he slumped on the couch, giving up his fight with Grief even as Mike offered an awkward shoulder.

Ziva accepted the tea Tony set in her hands, it was cold outside but the thick blanket she was wrapped in and Tony sitting close by kept the worst of it away.

"Gibbs is a good man Ziva. You are very lucky. But you know that I don't think you know though he is just as lucky, if not more so." He gave a rough laugh that wasn't about humor. "You both are going to need a lot of time, and if you want my unsolicited advice don't expect things to go back exactly as they were."

"It can never be that way again. I see how… Things have definitely changed. I'm sorry you had to hear those things and that I didn't tell you all the truth that first night. I almost didn't ask you here."

"I wanted to be here. Needed to be here."

"I'm more sorry I can't be what you need Tony." she sighed roughly, fighting back tears. "I do love you just not.."

"Like a brother…" Tony kept his words neutral, giving nothing away, but her words hurt.

"No Tony not like a brother just not like him. Had there never been him, there would have been you. But he is" she paused trying to find the right word. "He is my Neshama."

"A soulmate is hard to deny Ziva." her look had him chuckling "I can do an internet search. I was being nosy. And you didn't owe me an explanation."

"Maybe not owe, but you earned it. I do not want to lose you in my life, as my friend. But I also could only be honest with you."

Tony took her hand giving it a gentle squeeze. She didn't startle as much as he had assumed she would and gave a gentle squeeze back. As if on cue Gibbs chose that moment to step outside. He pulled away from her standing abruptly. "Gibbs it isn't."

Gibbs shook his head before stealing Tony's vacated seat. "Not worried about it." He pulled Ziva against him tucking her into him. She was watchful the same concern as Tony drifting in her eyes and something else he couldn't pinpoint. "you can go home tomorrow, but you're not driving tonight. Franks is in the guestroom upstairs, the baby's room doesn't have a bed but you can have the pull-out in the office."

Tony was going to argue he hadn't had that much to drink, but the truth was he'd managed just enough glasses during their breaks that it wasn't worth the argument. "Yeah ok. I'm just going to grab my stuff out of the car."

Ziva waited till she knew Tony was out of earshot. "He was not being inappropriate."

"Do you think I'm going to start lying to you now Ziva?"

"No."

"I said I wasn't worried about it and I meant it."

"Ok."

"Ziva, this will get better." she didn't answer him, his only response was the moisture of her tears against his neck.