Arms
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Well, it's been a bit since I posted anything. I had some stuff going on and didn't feel like it.
So, here's a short crack thing, I guess:
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Janus was brooding, and no one really knew why.
He'd been sitting on the couch all day, fingers pressed together in front of his face as he stared far off into the distance (at a wall).
The others had all tried to talk to him at this point, but he just ignored them each time, so eventually, they just shrugged their shoulders and gave up. Maybe he just felt like brooding, as Janus's tend to do.
Then, just a bit after lunchtime, Janus suddenly flung his hands in the air and let out a loud, rage-filled scream:
"WHY THE FUCK DO I HAVE SO MANY ARMS?!"
Everyone froze, staring at him.
"Huh?" Roman questioned, being the first to speak.
"Why do I have so many arms?!" Janus repeated. "I'm a snake! Snakes don't even have arms, so why in the cheese doodle would I have six?! None of you have six arms!"
"Uuuuuuuuuuuh, dude, chill. They're just arms."
"Fuck off, Virgil."
Virgil rolled his eyes and went back to scrolling on his phone.
"Why does having extra appendages upset you so much?" Logan queried. "I would think it would be useful."
Janus grimaced, crossing his arms (only two of them, since the other four were hidden away despite being the topic of conversation).
"It's not about whether they're useful or not!" Janus declared. "It's about making sense! I'd think you would be upset that my arms aren't logical, Logic."
Logan let out a deep sigh.
"Sadly, our entire existence is illogical, so I've just had to learn how to live with things like this," he replied, voice flat.
"Wait, why aren't you upset about your snake face?" Roman asked. "You're a human, so having scales doesn't make sense, either."
Janus turned toward him and put up a finger.
"First of all, bold of you to assume I'm a human-"
"Technically, we're all parts of Thomas, who is a human, which makes us human."
"- And secondly, having a half-snake face makes perfect sense," Janus continued. "I'm Deceit. Being a two-faced snake is completely logical. But what do arms have to do with deception?"
"I don't know, maybe they can help you commit more tax fraud?"
"We don't even pay taxes, though?" Logan chimed back in.
"Maybe it's so you can give better hugs :3!" Patton offered.
"Or so you can squeeze people to death :3!" Remus added.
Janus huffed.
"Wow, all of you are terrible at coming up with ideas," he spoke, shaking his head.
"Rude!"
"But, back to the topic at hand, it really just doesn't make sense," Janus repeated himself. "I mean, Remus is an octopus, and Virgil is a spider-"
"Virgil is a what-"
"- So I would understand why they would have eight total appendages. That's just basic-ass science," Janus explained. "But snakes? No arms, no legs. Certainly not 8."
"… Are you saying you would prefer having no arms or legs?"
"Oooooo, I can make that happen!"
"I mean, I would rather have at least an appendage or two," Janus answered. "But I fail to see why I, of all sides, would have extra."
"… Maybe it's because of that one Steven Universe episode?" Patton offered, trying not to think about Virgil being a spider.
"Which episode?"
"I think he means the one where Steven is upset that snakes don't have any arms."
"Ooooooh, that one."
Janus's face went blank.
He put his hands in front of his face again and took in a long, hissing breath.
"THOMAS SANDERS, I SWEAR TO FUCK, IF YOU GAVE ME FOUR EXTRA LIMBS BECAUSE OF ONE LINE OF A CARTOON, I WILL MAKE YOU RUE THE DAY YOU EVER LEARNED ABOUT THE EXISTENCE OF TELEVISION!"
Thomas, being in the real world, couldn't actually hear him, but he did suddenly get a very bad feeling.
"Hey, calm down, Kiddo," Patton tried. "Whatever the reason is, you have six arms, and it's not like you hate them, right?"
"I don't hate the arms, I hate not knowing why I have them, AND I WILL CERTAINLY HATE ANYONE WHO MADE ME HAVE THEM BECAUSE OF AN OFF-HAND JOKE IN A CHILDREN'S TV SHOW!"
Again, Thomas got a really bad feeling with no known cause. Maybe he was coming down with something.
"Hey, hey, it's okay, Janus, I'm sure there's a reason besides just the Steven Universe episode…"
And with that, Virgil finished playing with his phone and shot Remus a look. Without a word, the two of them sank out of the room and appeared in the hallway, far away enough that none of the others would hear them.
"Well, it seems like Operation 'Make Janus have an Existential Crisis' worked," Virgil said, giving Remus Four thumbs-ups.
"How freaked out do you think he'll get if we give him more arms?" Remus asked, grinning evilly.
"Eh, I'd rather not," Virgil denied. "I mean, losing two arms for a prank is acceptable, but more than that's kinda pushing it."
"Hm, maybe," Remus half-agreed. "I might do it anyway, though."
"THOMAS SANDERS, GET IN YOUR MIND RIGHT THIS INSTANT!"
"… Hey, do you think Janus can kill Thomas if they're both in the Mindscape?"
"Heck if I know."
"… Do you think he'll try?"
"Probably, yeah."
"Well, fuck."
XXX
Uuuuuuh, yeah. So. This happened.
In case it's unclear, Virgil and Remus each gave Janus a pair of their arms…
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