A/N: This was not what I intended to write today. I thought I was going to get another chapter of "Family Is Not Flesh and Blood" done but this oneshot I started literally months ago was calling out to me instead. Credit to Carole King's version of "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" for this!
Tonight you're mine completely
You give your love so sweetly
Olivia wasn't sure what she thought sex with Elliot would finally be like, but what had just happened hadn't been it at all.
Maybe it was because she'd tried not to picture it for the last 24 years. The first 13 of them or so because he was married and she refused to be the other woman, even in her own fantasies. And the last 11 because it would have been too painful. Because he was gone and all she had really been trying to do was push him out of her mind the way he seemed to have so easily pushed her out of his life.
But, as Cragen told her once, nothing changes, except what has to.
And change it did, with a car bomb, a letter, and quite a few awkward missteps. But after Christmas, things just sort of fell into place. A new normal, if you will. Work kept them both pretty busy, so they did a lot of their communication through text and late-night FaceTimes.
They'd talked about Kathy and Ed, Flutura and Cassidy. She'd told him about Burton and Lewis and her scars. He'd told her about Italy and the Albanians and Wheatley.
"For now" had fallen away about a month ago. Elliot invited her and Noah to Easter dinner at his place and they accepted. It was Kathleen, well all the kids really, who'd pushed it over the edge, calling them out for not being subtle about how they felt, and giving their blessing.
Though they finally acknowledged there was more, Elliot and Olivia hadn't acted on it, until one night in May when Dickie got tickets to a Rangers playoff game and asked if he could take Eli and Noah for a guys' night, junk food dinner, and sleepover included.
"You free tonight?" he'd texted her after getting off the phone with Dickie.
"Shouldn't have to work unless something unexpected pops up," she answered.
"Dinner?" he asked.
"Sure, what did you have in mind?" she responded.
"Your place, I'll cook?" he asked.
"Better you than me," she joked. "See you at 7?"
"Can't wait," he responded.
Olivia had been nervous. After Dickie and Eli picked up Noah she'd spent far too much time getting ready for what should have been a casual dinner, even if it was technically their first official date.
She changed her outfit four times, eventually settling on her favorite jeans and a gauzy flowy maroon shirt that looked good with her complexion. She spent double the time on her hair and makeup and was just pulling out the wine and glasses when he knocked on her door.
They'd worked together in the kitchen, her chopping, him stirring. They'd enjoyed pasta and wine, and took their glasses to the couch where she felt the anticipation in her stomach growing. They'd gone from talking to cuddling to kissing rather quickly, if you only counted it within the context of the evening and not the entire time they'd known each other.
He'd startled her when he pulled back, afraid he was changing his mind, having regrets, until he smiled down at her and brushed a few tendrils of hair from her face.
"This is all at your pace, Liv," he said. "If I'm moving too fast you just gotta let me know."
"23 years isn't slow enough?" she joked, bringing a hand to the back of his neck, drawing out a grin and a laugh.
"I'm serious," Elliot said. "Just want you to feel comfortable, safe."
"I'm here with you," she said. "How could I not? Although I do know how I could be a bit more comfortable."
He knit his bushy eyebrows together.
"Bedroom instead of this couch," she said with a smirk. "You may make me feel 23 years younger, but the harsh reality is, we're not. And we're no longer made to do the things I hope we're going to do on this particular piece of furniture."
"Copy that, Captain," he said, smirking back before hoisting her into his arms as she gave a squeak. "Tell me the way."
Tonight the light of love is in your eyes
But will you love me tomorrow?
That had been hours ago. And now here they were, wearing nothing but sheets, cuddled in the middle of her California Queen.
Somehow she knew he was going to be a cuddler. It was something she wasn't used to. Most of the men she slept with, even the ones she'd been particularly serious about, those men were not cuddlers. Brian slept askew, like a child in a crib, on his back with limbs everywhere. Ed liked to sleep curled tightly into a ball, facing the edge of the bed, as though even in sleep he was trying to shield himself from the injustice and cruelty of the outside world he fought during his waking hours.
David Haden, God bless him, tried to be a cuddler. Thought it was what she wanted, but Olivia had never much wanted to be trapped that way. She didn't need to cling to someone or have them cling to her in the middle of the night. It never felt right.
But with Elliot, she found she didn't mind it. He was a side sleeper, one leg tucked in between hers, arms wrapped over her hip and under the dip in her waist to pull her close without suffocating either one of them. It should scare her, this feeling of being trapped. Lord knows anything like this after Lewis has sent her right into a panic attack, but this is Elliot.
He'd gone out nearly instantly after their last round of exploration. Olivia had dozed herself, but it was now probably somewhere around 3 a.m. and she was wide awake, just staring at the man lying next to her. All the pieces of him that she'd known came together after 23 years. He looked different, they both did. But there was something so familiar about the slope of his nose, the set of his jaw. It was like coming home. And as much as it shouldn't, it frightened her.
He had never been hers. The few times she thought he could be, one of them ran, or someone else got pregnant.
What if he woke up tomorrow and decided this was all a mistake? What if he thought they were better off as friends. What if he left her again?
She ducked her head so she didn't have to look at him anymore, trying to push the thoughts from her head and just letting this be nice until morning at least. She still had a few hours until sunrise. The spell wouldn't break until then.
"I can feel you thinking," Elliot muttered against the crown of her head where his lips now perched.
Maybe it wouldn't wait until sunrise after all. Just her luck.
Is this a lasting treasure
Or just a moment's pleasure?
"I thought you were asleep," she whispered.
"I was," he whispered back. "Having a pretty amazing dream too, about this beautiful brunette police Captain and her naughty off the rails detective. He disobeyed her direct order and she took him to the interrogation room to teach him a lesson."
"Well, I surely didn't mean to interrupt that," she said, raising her hand to rub his shoulder.
"S'okay," he said. "Much fun as that was, the view in real life is way better."
She felt him start to dance his fingertips up her spine. It should feel good. It should be relaxing, but her mind wouldn't let go of the fact that tonight, this evening, may be all she gets of him like this. And she had to start preparing her mind and her heart for the inevitable.
As if he could tell, he slowed his minstrations on her back.
"What's wrong, Liv?" he asked, sounding a little more awake.
"Nothing," she mumbled. "I'm fine."
"I think I've known you long enough to know that 'I'm fine' is Olivia Benson speak for 'I'm losing my shit internally but I'd never tell you that."
Damn him for being able to read her like a book.
"Did I do something?" Elliot asked. "Something that you didn't like? Something triggering? You can tell me. I need to know so I don't do it again."
She took a deep breath through her nose. If she told him the truth, it could blow this up before it even got started. But if she didn't tell the truth, was that really the way to start a relationship? If this was going to be a relationship?
"You left me," she whispered so quietly if there would have been any noise in the room he wouldn't have heard her.
She felt his abs clench and contract, his entire body becomes tenser. It was the wrong thing to say, and she knew it immediately, so she tried to roll away, back to her side of the bed.
But he didn't let her.
"Olivia," he said, slowly. "I know that leaving you for so long without a word hurt. And it's going to take more than a few months and a few nice gestures to earn your trust back. And maybe I let this move too fast, before you were really ready. But I am not leaving you again. Not like that. You or Noah."
"I want to believe you," she whispered against his chest. "But what happens when the sun comes up and you realize you made a mistake."
"You're going to have to bring me up to speed," Elliot said. "Because I can't seem to find the mistake here."
"This," she motioned, smacking both of them in the shoulders. "Us. Tonight. Everything. It was never supposed to be me."
"Look at me," Elliot said, encouraging her to tilt her head upward to see his eyes. "It was always you. The reason you thought it was never you is because it was always you."
"That doesn't make any sense," she said.
"It does," Elliot said. "You mattered too much. You were too special, too precious to me. And I could never risk ruining that. When I was married we had to be just partners. I know you would never be the other woman and I would never put you in that position. When I was separated, I couldn't use you as some patch on a wound. I was a mess. I left after Jenna because the way I needed you then, it was both of those things, and that wasn't fair to you. Because you are nobody's second choice or second place. You deserve so much more."
"And what about when you came back?" she asked. "What stopped you then?"
"It wasn't your job to fix me," he said. "I left you. And I live with that guilt and shame every day."
"I wanted to help you," she whispered. "I wanted you to choose me."
"I have always wanted to choose you," he said. "I thought I was choosing you by not making my problems your problems. I thought I was doing what was best for you."
"You weren't," she said.
"I see that now," he answered. "And I can't change that. But I can start making up for it now."
He shifted positions so he was level with her collarbone, pressing suctioned kisses along it and the length of her neck.
Can I believe the magic of your sighs?
Will you still love me tomorrow?
That last round should have cleared her fears. Listening to his sighs of pleasure, his soft snoring as he now lay on his back. His arm wrapped around her entire body, pulling her close. A cuddler no matter which way he landed.
But it was still dark out, and it was still dark in her mind. When they were in the moment, everything was fine. She felt him, and she understood him. They could simply just be. But when she was alone with her own thoughts, that was a different story.
She knew from therapy, this was years of conditioning from her mother, from past boyfriends and bed partners. The shrill cry that she wasn't good enough. That she was a woman for the evening, not a woman for a lifetime.
Everyone leaves. You don't matter. This is just temporary. He's just using you.
At what point would these voices stop? At what point could she just let herself enjoy the feeling of the man she'd loved longer than anyone else pressed against her in her bed? When would she trust that he was really, finally, choosing not just her, but her son also?
Why couldn't she believe him when he told her it was love?
Tonight with words unspoken
You say that I'm the only one
Olivia must have dozed off at some point. Her dreams were filled with Elliot: every tough case and every hard conversation. It was like her mind was searching for the answers she'd always wanted to find.
Her brain was analyzing every little glance, every touch, every action. There were 13 years of them to play through in their 1.0 era, and bonus reels from their now 2.0 era. And every single one told her the same thing: he cared.
He'd always cared. He'd showed it in the only ways he could: driving her home, leaving her notes, giving her a pep talk. She'd known it all those years ago even if she hadn't wanted to believe it. If she knew it then, and she knows it now, why can't she force herself to believe what she knows is true?
She must have been tossing and turning, and she woke herself up, tangled in bedsheets to the sun streaming through the window over her bed.
And she was all alone.
So maybe her fretting all night hadn't been for nothing.
But will my heart be broken
When the night meets the morning sun?
She decided to give herself a few moments of pity. She peered over the side of the bed to look for his jeans, the only article of his clothing that actually made it into the bedroom last night after they got a little distracted against the hallway wall.
They were gone.
She peered into the ensuite bathroom, but the door was wide open and he wasn't in there.
His scent was still on her pillows, the memory was still in her heart. But he ran, just like she feared he would.
It had been too much or not enough. It was never her, no matter what promises he made in the dark. The daylight always had a way of bringing up the truth.
And for that, she figured she owed herself at least ten minutes of tears and heartbreak for being stupid enough all these years later to hope it could have been anything different.
She angrily tugged a pair of PJs from where they laid crumpled on the floor, unnecessary and forgotten after last night. Then she slid back under the sheet that still smelled of him and let the tears fall. She had been so wrapped up in her self loathing she didn't hear her bedroom door slide open.
"Hey," a voice said and her head shot up.
And there he was. Elliot, shirtless and barefoot in just his jeans, two travel mugs of coffee in hand and a little plate with two cinnamon rolls on it.
"I thought travel mugs would cause less spillage, and still let us spend a little more time in bed," he said, coming to her side table and putting down the mug. "Plus, I found some cinnamon rolls in the fridge and popped them in the toaster oven. If Noah had claims on them I'll replace them."
She almost couldn't believe he was still right here. He'd made her coffee and breakfast. And he was quickly shedding his jeans and climbing back into bed.
"Hey," he said, tipping her face up to him. "There's two things wrong with this picture. There's tears in your eyes, and you're wearing way more clothes than you were when I got up to pee. What happened."
She felt childish to say it out loud, so she just turned her head instead. But then she heard his sharp intake of breath.
"You woke up and I wasn't here," he said. "And you thought I left."
All she could do was nod while still avoiding his eyes.
I'd like to know that your love
Is love I can be sure of
"I just remember in the cribs you used to hate being woken up until It was absolutely necessary," he said, running his thumb under her eyes to collect the tears pooled there.
"That is true," she mumbled.
"But new rule," he said. "I'll always kiss you good morning, wake you up just for a sec if I've gotta leave for any reason."
"Isn't that a bit ridiculous, El?" she asked.
"Not if brings you peace or helps you trust me again," he said.
"I just want to know this is real," she said. "That you're serious about this."
"I'm gonna make mistakes, Liv," he said. "Just like this morning. But I'll try to learn from them."
"I'm sorry I need so much reassurance from you," she said.
"You've been taught your entire life that everyone leaves and nothing is permanent," he said. "And I added to that. You're going to have to help me in other ways, like reminding me I'm nothing like my father. It's a balance."
"It's not too much for you?" Olivia asked.
"You're never too much for me," he said. "And you're always more than enough. You, Olivia Benson, are perfect for me."
She felt a smile creeping across her face.
"Just one more question," she said.
"Anything," he answered.
So tell me now, and I won't ask again
Will you still love me tomorrow?
"If you tell me now, I won't ask again," Olivia said. "Well not anytime soon. When we leave this bed, this little safe place we built together last night, are you're still going to love me tomorrow?"
It was the first time she had used the "l-word" about their relationship, even though he'd clarified his intentions from the intervention and even dropped it casually to close a few phone calls since.
"I can say, without a doubt in my mind," Elliot said. "That whether we're here, at work, on the other side of the world, or six feet under I'm going to love you tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that and the…"
"Okay, okay," she said giggling. "I get the point."
"I know that's not going to be the last time you question it," he said. "But I will keep trying to do things to prove that you don't have to. Like stealing Noah's cinnamon rolls just to give you breakfast in bed."
Elliot held out one of the pastries for her to take a bite, so she did. Then she kissed him, tongue and all.
"Mmm, Olivia and cream cheese icing," he said. "This is officially my new favorite way to start the morning."
"Bet I can find one better," she said, arching an eyebrow at him.
"What do you have in mind, Captain?" he asked.
"That rank thing really does it for you, doesn't it?" she asked.
"I've always loved a strong, independent woman," he said, leaning closer to her. "Well, one strong, independent woman in particular."
"Well, I've always loved a hot-headed, stubborn man with a heart of gold," she said. "Although I do kind of remember him having more hair."
After a second of letting what she really said sink in, he retorted back.
"I've got hair," he said. "It's just not on my head."
He ran his hand across the stubble growing on his chin.
"Now, about the perfect way to start the morning," he said, reaching for the hem of her t-shirt and pulling it up over her head, coffee and cinnamon rolls forgotten, for now.
Will you still love me tomorrow?
A/N: I don't really write lemons. This is as close as I get. I feel like what El and Liv do behind closed doors is their business, and it stays respectful for their real-life counterparts. That being said, doesn't stop me from reading when ya'll write lemons lol. Lemme know what you think!