Rey's perspective

Rose caught Rey's arm as they left the mess hall. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Up ahead, Finn and Poe realized the girls were no longer behind them, and paused to wait. Rose waved them on. Shrugging, they kept walking, leaving the girls to their conversation.

Rose led Rey outside, out to the perimeter of the base. The sun was on its way down, and the jungle smelled like freshly-fallen rain.

It reminded Rey of Ben.

Rose turned to her. "Okay. What's going on?"

Rey frowned. "What do you mean?"

"You know very well what I mean." Rose gave her a surprisingly stern look. "You haven't spoken to Ben since we left D'Qar over a month ago. I know you had some sort of falling out. You've been moping around ever since."

"I haven't been moping!"

"You most certainly have been moping. And I can assure you he isn't doing any better. In fact, I'm worried about him." Rose folded her arms. "So. What happened?"

Rey shifted uncomfortably, running a hand over her hair—a gesture she realized she had picked up from Ben—and sighed in frustration. "Rose, I've tried to be there for him. I've tried to get him to talk to me, to let me support him, but he won't have it. He doesn't trust me, and I have no idea why." She threw her hands up. "What else am I supposed to do? I can't keep opening myself up to that kind of rejection, when he evidently doesn't feel the same for me as I feel for him. It hurts too much."

"But you said he seemed upset," Rose countered, shaking her head. "Rey, this is the most stoic, private man we know. He has let you see him at his lowest, weakest, most vulnerable moments. And you say he hasn't let you in? That he doesn't trust you?" She scoffed. "If he isn't telling you something, I can guaran-kriffing-tee he's doing it to protect you. Even if you feel like his efforts are misguided, try to see it from his perspective. Whatever he saw in his vision must have been awful and scary enough that he doesn't want to burden you with it."

Rey felt like a lead weight had dropped into her stomach. Rose's words rang uncomfortably true.

"And this whole business with Poe?" Rose continued. "I don't like it. I told you, I have a knack for reading people." She pointed in the direction the boys had gone. "Poe has been circling from the very beginning, waiting for Ben to stumble. He's a good fighter, a great pilot, but Rey—do you really think Poe is the one you're meant to be with?"

With a growing sense of shame, Rey shook her head. She'd known Poe was interested in her; she'd known it for quite some time. But she held no special affection for the man beyond friendship.

She missed Ben.

"I don't think so, either," Rose said gently.

Rey began to wonder if she hadn't reacted too quickly to Ben's reluctance to divulge any more information. She had spoken from a place of concern for him, hating that he still insisted on shouldering the knowledge of his vision alone. She cared about him very much, and based on what Rose had said, he cared about her too, so it stung that he continued to refuse to tell her anything more. There had to be honesty between them if they were ever to have anything more than friendship.

But when she'd realized the fate she'd met in his vision, it had scared her. It was a frightening thing, facing one's own mortality. How had it happened? Could she be saved? Or was she destined to die again? She felt trapped, helpless, and then he'd refused to tell her anything more. He'd gone so far as to deny it all, once again trying to shoulder the galaxy alone, and it frightened her—both for him and for her. He wouldn't even trust her enough to tell her about herself. And if he couldn't trust her with that, how would he ever trust her with anything about him?

Perhaps he was incapable. Perhaps he'd been hurt so much by everything he'd experienced that he was unable to open up to anyone. It broke her heart. But continuing to try to be there for someone who didn't want her was an ill-fated endeavor. She could spend the rest of her life bending over backward in vain, and she simply wasn't willing to do that.

Except… maybe she'd been wrong.

She didn't know what the answer was. She didn't know what the key to unlocking Ben Solo was. But she felt like perhaps she needed to try just a little longer. She hoped she wasn't wrong.

She sighed heavily. "Rose, however do I begin to—"

A lancing pain interrupted her words, arcing down her spine like a bolt of lightning. It was so intense that she nearly went to her knees. She gasped aloud.

Rose rushed forward in alarm. "Rey! Are you all right?"

But the feeling was gone as soon as it had come. Rey quickly took stock of her body. "I-I'm fine," she managed.

"What happened?"

"I don't know. I…"

In the wake of the sharp pain, a deeper burning sensation began to ebb at the edges of her consciousness. She could handle it, but—

She realized with a start what it meant. "Something's happened to Ben," she gasped, turning back toward the base.

She knew he'd spent the last several weeks working on their armor for the mission. He'd been holed up in the repair shop nearly all hours of the day; she knew this because everyone else on the base had been careful to steer clear of his workspace. Had there been an accident? Had something blown up?

Leaving Rose without a backward glance, Rey ran through the smattering of buildings, speeding up as she went, tearing around corners and ducking between people as she navigated to the repair shop. The burn had diminished to a dull ache now, but she didn't know if that should relieve her or worry her. Panting hard, she bolted past the hangar, down the corridor to the last room. Holding her hand out before her, she willed the door to open ahead of her.

It blew clean off its hinges.

She skidded into the room, looking around, but she didn't see him. There were armor pieces and other debris scattered across the floor, but otherwise the room looked in good repair. But there was no sign of Ben.

What—?

Then she heard it. A horrible choking sound was coming from the other side of the workbench, interspersed with the dull thud of something hitting the floor.

She rounded the bench and immediately pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle a scream.

He was on the floor, back arched unnaturally in the air, cords standing out in his neck as his arms and legs spasmed and seized continuously. His hands were curled into claws. A shudder ran through his form, smacking his head and feet against the floor. His jaw was clenched so tight she feared his teeth might break, the muscles ticking and spittle flying as he choked. His lips were turning blue.

He looked like he was being electrocuted.

"Ben!" she shrieked, dropping to the floor next to him. His clothes were soaked through with sweat. The spasms intensified, wracking his frame with a vengeance, and his lips pulled back into a rictus of agony.

She didn't know how to help him. On the verge of tears, she bent over him and clasped his face in her hands, desperately trying to activate the bond, to see what was wrong.

At her touch, his eyes flew open and met hers, and he sucked in a shallow breath. She felt a fleeting break in his torture, but there was a dark, insidious presence hovering over him…

Fear gave way to overwhelming fury.

"Leave him alone!" she thundered in a terrible voice. The Force crackled along her fingertips.

Like shadows fleeing the light, the presence instantly dissipated. Ben collapsed against the floor, gasping feebly and shivering. His limbs continued to twitch, unable to relax.

Rey pushed the sweaty strands of hair out of his face and cupped his cheek. It had been some time since he'd shaved, and his face felt gaunt beneath the scraggly beginnings of a beard. "Ben, can you hear me?" she implored, holding his unfocused gaze.

He nodded weakly.

"Are you all right?" she asked in a trembling voice. "What was that?"

"P-pal… patine," he managed hoarsely.

"Palpatine? The Sith lord?"

He nodded again.

Not knowing what else to do, she gathered him into her arms. He moaned weakly at the movement, falling heavily against her as his limbs continued to flinch sporadically. She tucked his head beneath her chin and cradled him against her.

"He won't get you, now," she promised thickly, smoothing a hand over his hair. "I've got you."

He shivered again, but this time it felt different. She looked down. He was weeping silently, eyes shut tightly and chin wobbling.

"H-h-he won't give up," he whispered. "H-he's always there. Always h-has been."

Her brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

He took a couple steadying breaths and opened his eyes, but his gaze fell short of hers. He stared off into space, eyes glazed with pain. "He's always b-been there, lurking in the back of my mind. Ever since I was a boy. Talking to me. Tempting me." He swallowed. "That's why Anakin gave me the vision—to warn me. Because he knew I was w-weak." His lip curled. "Without the warning, I would've given in. I did give in." He sucked in a breath. "I did terrible things," he whispered, a horrified shadow passing behind his eyes.

She was shocked into silence, so shocked that when he started to move, slowly levering himself up into a sitting position away from her, she let him. He dropped back against the workbench with a pained grunt as he continued to shiver.

"As Kylo Ren, leader of the Knights of Ren, right hand of Supreme Leader Snoke and puppet of Emperor Palpatine, I wrought destruction and horrors across the galaxy that you couldn't begin to imagine," he continued, enunciating each word with perfect clarity. "I gave the order to blow up the Hosnian system. I led the attack on D'Qar, and followed the Resistance to Crait." His voice caught. "I killed my father, and contemplated killing my mother. I killed Snoke and usurped his throne, and would've done the same to Palpatine, if I…"

He hesitated, his thoughts seeming to switch direction.

"He told me to bring you to him," he whispered finally, staring into the distance with haunted eyes. "But I couldn't do it, because… because somehow along the way, you'd come to believe in me."

He looked at her then, and her breath caught in her lungs.

"You thought there was still conflict in me," he continued, a note of awe buried amidst a great deal of sorrow. "You fought for me—even against myself. I didn't deserve it, and Rey, I—Rey, I fell in love with you." He gasped shakily. "And then you went to face Palpatine on your own. I tried to help you, but he overpowered me. And you died protecting the ones you loved. You were dead in my arms, but I couldn't accept that, so I brought you back and I died instead, because I am a monster and you deserved to live."

He was openly crying by the end, his words melding together as his body shivered. She stared at him in shock, overwhelmed by his words and the pure, intense emotion behind them.

He loved her?

But he… he hated himself.

He scoffed wetly. "I knew you would be reviled," he assessed, mistakenly interpreting her silence. "That's why I didn't want to tell you. But now you know."

She shook her head, but he kept talking.

"You called me a monster once, you know. In the vision." He huffed a humorless laugh. "You were right."

"But you didn't do those things, Ben!" she finally managed. "That isn't you!"

"But I am capable of it." Despite the tear tracks on his cheeks, he turned a steely gaze upon her. "I am a monster. I can feel the undercurrents of darkness even now, just below the surface. Dress me up in Jedi robes and Resistance clothes all you want, but that Dark stain doesn't wash out. My parents understand. Luke understands. Poe understands." He took a breath and nodded tightly. "Now I finally understand too."

"Ben…"

"No, Rey. Get out."

She blinked. "Ben, I—"

"I said, get out," he growled dangerously, eyes flashing.

He was angry. Truly angry. She didn't know if it was directed at her for having been such a horrible friend and breaking his trust, or at the fact that he'd opened up and bared his soul to her when she knew it was the last thing he'd wanted to do, or if it was a product of the darkness that surrounded him. But he was angry, and it was frightening.

Her heart broke for him.

Shell-shocked and on the verge of tears, she got to her feet. He averted his eyes from her, apparently too disgusted to even look at her, and she bit back a sob. Not knowing what else to do, she decided to honor his wish, and she left.

She made it back to her room before she began to cry.

…

Ben's perspective

He sat against the workbench for a long time.

He could've forced himself to walk on torn muscles and stretched ligaments if he'd needed to, but quite frankly, he lacked the will to do so.

He felt worse than he'd felt before. There was no more fear, no more anger, no more hate. He just felt…

Empty.

Utterly empty.

Rey didn't love him; that much was obvious. She never would. And who could blame her? He was a monster. Poised forever at the brink of slipping down the slippery slope into darkness. No one trusted him because of it. They never had. His parents had given him up because of it. Luke had tried to kill him over it. He had no friends. The Resistance gave him a wide berth. Poe had made him a mortal enemy.

And Rey didn't love him.

Silent tears slid down his face, but he was unaware of them. Had he been called to relive this life just to sacrifice it again to save Rey and the Resistance? Once again forced to exist in isolation, just to surrender himself in the end? If that's what it took to save Rey, then he'd die over and over again. But it hurt. All he'd ever wanted was the chance to live a life with her. He knew now that it wasn't going to happen.

Perhaps he'd only been brought back to save the lives he'd taken as Kylo Ren. It was only fair, after all. So many innocents, pointlessly lost…

He slowly looked up, his gaze clearing as an idea began to manifest in the back of his mind. A horrible, insane idea.

With the tactical team at odds, they stood no chance of successfully completing their mission to break onto Starkiller Base and destroy Exegol. Someone would end up dying, and he wasn't willing to risk that person being Rey. Palpatine was the true enemy here, not Poe or anyone else. And Ben knew Palpatine's weaknesses. He knew where he was. He knew what he would be up against.

Ben had no one left. He was alone. But perhaps he could give all those innocents a chance to win the war, find love, and live a good life.

He would go to Exegol, kill Palpatine, and destroy the fleet. Cut the head off the snake, as it were, and give the Resistance the chance to finish off the rest of the First Order afterward. He'd give up his life force if he had to.

He stiffly climbed to his feet and lurched through the corridors back to his room, ignoring the questioning looks and cutting whispers as he went. He didn't bother to pack a bag; he wasn't planning on coming back from this.

He laid down on his cot and rested until midnight, when the base settled down and went quiet between shifts. Then he rose, clipped his lightsaber to his belt, and headed for the hangar. Commandeering a fully-charged droid, he climbed into the smallest transport. Pre-flight checks were completed, systems were flicked on, thrusters powered up, and he soared out of the hangar and up into the dark of the night without any witness the wiser.