Chapter 1 - I-Spy With My Little Eye
The Red Dwarf drifted lazily through the inky blackness of space, the little crew of four, five if you counted Holly the computer, had not seen so much as an asteroid for weeks on end and inside, Rimmer was getting bored.
"I-Spy with my little eye…" drawled Lister who was sitting at the controls, his feet resting casually on the dashboard, "something beginning with…" he looked around desperately for a new clue; he never knew I-Spy could be this difficult.
Next to him, Rimmer rolled his eyes. "Lister, we've been playing this stupid game for hours, we've named practically every device and instrument in the ship and all of the nothing outside it, would you please just shut up?"
"Why did you keep playing then? Haven't you got some badges you could polish or some Risk strategies to overanalyze?"
Rimmer got up and paced agitatedly, "I've done all that. I've done everything I can think of to do, twice, and I'm still bored. I've never known space to be so dull." He blew out a breath through his cheeks. "I don't see how you can do it Listy, simply sitting around doing nothing, doesn't it drive you mad?"
"Look, why don't you ask Kryten or the Cat if they'll play with you?"
"Because Kryten's idea of fun is doing your laundry and the Cat always cheats at games, when he's not too busy preening at his own reflection."
Lister held up his hands in defeat, "well would you at least sit down, you're making me edgy."
He fell heavily into his seat with a sigh and they settled on a rather tense silence.
After about ten minutes of this, just before Lister decided to get up for something to eat if only to get away from Rimmer's bad mood, he noticed a blip on the long range scanner. He surreptitiously punched up a bigger view and grinned. "I-Spy with my little eye," he teased, "something beginning with S."
Rimmer glared at him, "if you say 'stars' again…" then he clocked what Lister was looking at and suddenly became a lot more interested.
Lister was peering intently at the image, his face drawn in a puzzled frown. It was a ship that much was obvious but something was off. "I was going to say S for spaceship, but looking at this S for submarine might be more appropriate."
"Eh?"
Lister flicked a few switches and brought the Dwarf to a dead stop. They could see the craft out of the main windows now and it did look a hell of a lot like a huge submarine, there were even what appeared to be barnacles on the bottom as though as to make it look more authentic. As he looked more closely he saw that there seemed to be some kind of primitive airlock bolted to the outside of the craft almost as an afterthought. Lister was amazed it had got off the ground never mind all the way out here. It was drifting towards them so Lister adjusted their course to move alongside.
"Are there life signs on board?" asked Rimmer excitedly, as the Cat and Kryten came into the cockpit and sat at their stations.
"Initiating scan. Yes there are four life signs, and they seem to be human," announced Kryten.
"Humans? Are you sure?" Lister was trying not to get his hopes up but to find other real, proper people…
"Smell checks out," said the Cat and coughed abruptly, holding his nose, "urgh! They smell even worse than your laundry basket at the end of the month."
Lister ignored him. "Right, let's get over there," he said, eagerly starting out for Starbug.
"Er, Sir if I might suggest we proceed with caution, the vessel doesn't appear to have a means of propulsion or steering or indeed any business being in space at all, certainly it doesn't look very stable."
"Well then maybe they're in trouble and need our help," Lister countered.
"He's right Listy, knowing our track record they're probably cannibalistic and armed to the teeth." Rimmer was secretly happy for this diversion from the endless monotony but any chance to torment Lister was always too good to pass up.
"Fine, we'll go in full spacesuits and bring one of the bazookoids just in case, happy now?"
Starbug pulled up alongside the makeshift docking hatch in the side of the submarine/spaceship with a clang and waited to be admitted. Eventually they heard the pressure equalising and opened the internal door. They certainly weren't expecting the sight that greeted them.
A little bald man stood in the doorway, bald that is but for three huge spikes of hair sticking straight up on the back of his head and a single curl of hair on his forehead that looked suspiciously like it had been drawn on with a marker pen. He wore an incredible outfit that seemed to consist of a long, white poet shirt with ruffled sleeves covered by a long, brown, sleeveless jacket, finished off with a pair of red leggings and a brown cravat. His face was painted a clown make-up white with black around the eyes and mouth. The four visitors slowly removed the helmets of their spacesuits and stood staring slightly open mouthed at their host.
He did not look particularly pleased to see them but smiled politely nonetheless and bowed them into the strange vessel.
"Hello, my name is Flacco," he said in an incongruously high pitched voice, enunciating each syllable with care as though he were savouring an unfamiliar language, his accent unidentifiable. He stuck out a hand.
Rimmer recovered himself first but automatically snapped off one of his elaborate salutes as he introduced himself so it was left to Lister to shake the man's proffered hand.
"I'm Lister, that's the Cat and this is Kryten." He said indicating his friends over his shoulder without taking his eyes off the strange little man, still in something of a daze. "We came to see if you needed any help, your spaceship looks a little peculiar to us..." The man seemed to be looking at him expectantly; an amused smirk on his face. Lister decided to bite the bullet, "in fact it looks just like a submarine."
"That's because it is," said Flacco matter-of-factly, as though it were a perfectly natural thing to encounter.
"Well come in if you're coming in, we can't stand in the doorway all day, you'll let in a terrible draught," and with that he turned and bustled away down the corridor, leaving the four Dwarfers to dumbly follow in his wake.
"Is it just you here, sir?" Kryten asked as they walked, "we picked up another three life signs."
Flacco deflated slightly as he replied sadly, "I'm the only one up and about." Suddenly he seemed to think of something important and paused in his stride. "Oh yes, I must ask one thing of you while you are here; please don't make too much noise, you mustn't wake the sleepers."
"Sleepers?!" they all echoed, alarmed; something about the way he said it suggested that to do so would be dangerous and they really didn't want to be blindly walking into some kind of trap. Flacco hurriedly shushed them, flapping his hands.
"Shhh please! Let's go down to the living room, I'll put the kettle on and explain properly."
He led them to a large open plan living space where there was another surprise in store; every spare space was taken up with priceless treasures. Piles of books covered the floor; antique statues were dotted all over the place, and picture frames were stacked all around the walls covered in dust sheets.
"Don't mind the mess, I wasn't expecting guests. Just clear a space to sit down anywhere, I'll be back in a minute," said Flacco as he went to make the tea.
Lister lifted one of the sheets to reveal the smiling face of the Mona Lisa while Kryten busily scanned what appeared to be the Venus de Milo.
"Sirs!" he exclaimed at length, "this is most extraordinary; all these artworks really are the genuine articles. It's like someone has collected all the best of art and culture from Earth's history and deposited it all in a great space museum!"
"Huh, half a girl with no arms," Cat scoffed, examining the statue, "doesn't look very great to me."
"But if this is some kind of repository for Earth's art treasures," wondered Lister, "why does the ship look like some repurposed knock off done on the cheap."
"And why is it being curated by a total loony?" added Rimmer.
"Because," came a voice behind them, Flacco had returned and was carrying a tray with five cups of tea and a plate of biscuits, "they're not so much being curated as you might say, as catalogued for destruction. Please sit down, I promise I will answer any questions you ask."
"Perhaps I should begin at the beginning," he said when they were settled. "When we left Earth it was run by one single ginormous corporation called Shitsu-Tonka; they owned everyone and everything, there was no war, no poverty, no injustice because Shitsu-Tonka said there weren't," he broke off looking thoughtful, "no rainforests either come to that but that's by the by."
"Anyway, Shitsu-Tonka decided that art and culture were dangerous to their regime so they decreed the end of history. They gathered up all the cultural artefacts they could find and stored them all in one place for cataloguing and hiding from the general populace."
"You said something about sleepers," interrupted Rimmer, "are we in danger here?"
Flacco looked only slightly annoyed by the interruption, "I'm coming to that, I'm coming to that. To answer your question, while they are asleep you are in no danger at all, that is why I am here. But please, if I could be allowed to continue."
"There occurred, at the time the last items were being committed to the Titanic II, that's the name of the ship incidentally, a horrific incident with Shitsu-Tonka's forced experiments with so-called super soldiers before they had abolished war. They were only successful once before the scheme was abandoned as too cost ineffective for too little return.
I mean I say successful, the poor man could not be rehabilitated back into society after the war and developed a split personality called Bob that subsequently embarked on an appalling killing spree. His intense training and heightened reflexes meant that it was nearly impossible to kill him by conventional means and even Shitsu-Tonka apparently believed that nuking one man was beyond the pail. But they were eventually able to subdue him and endeavoured to keep him in a perpetual state of dreaming in order to keep the violent personality suppressed. So they installed him out of sight and mind down here among the other things they wanted rid of." Flacco shook his head at the memory, disgust evident in his voice.
Rimmer did not like what he was hearing, "you mean we're stuck here with some kind of indestructible homicidal psychopath, who might wake up at any moment?! And you didn't think to mention this before?!" Another horrible thought occurred to him, "you said sleepers, plural; what are the others like?!"
Flacco was generally a patient man but he was growing tired of these aspersions being cast on his ability to do his job.
"Would you please simmer down?! I assure you you are perfectly safe; I have been on this ship for several years now and under my care they haven't woken up once. As for the other two there is nothing wrong with them, other than the fact that they volunteered to share the dream with him."
"Shared dreaming?" queried Lister, "is that possible?" Although even as the words were leaving his mouth he found he couldn't really believe he was still asking that question.
"Oh yes, perfectly, the technology and drugs required are fairly straightforward."
"If I may sir, why did they need volunteers?" asked Kryten.
"To add verisimilitude to the simulation of course. You see, he believes that he and his two friends have been given the task of cataloguing the collection. They and I keep him grounded in his new reality and prevent him overcoming the drugs that keep him in this state. It's almost humane when you think about it." Although as he said it Lister noticed a slight squirm in his attitude. He was hiding something.
"How did you end up in space?" Lister asked slowly.
Flacco tried his best not to meet their eyes as he answered, wringing his hands. "Well you see it really was a submarine to start with, at the bottom of the sea off the coast of China, but Shitsu-Tonka decided even that was too great a risk so they came up with a plan to kill two birds with one stone; refit the Titanic II to make it space worthy and fire the collection and their rogue agent into space far enough out until they could both be safely detonated. But, well, it's just been me and them for years, and I've been sharing in their dreams and they've become like brothers to me," he looked slightly sheepish; "so I falsified reports saying it wasn't safe to detonate until we were far enough out that they lost contact with us and looked after them since then. Kept them living out their fantasy life in peace."
"Just you and them, all this time?" asked Lister, amazed at the depth of the man's compassion. "Why did you have to go with them?"
"I developed the technology for the shared dreaming that made this whole scheme possible, I was the only one who could keep them going until…," he made an exploding gesture with his hands, "that, and I suppose they didn't want any loose ends." With that last admission he hung his head dejectedly.
Lister couldn't help but feel sorry for the man's plight, he could easily see his point of view; the soldier seemed to be just as much a victim as anyone else and he didn't blame his unwilling jailer for being reluctant to execute him. Especially since blowing up the ship would naturally mean killing himself as well as the two innocent volunteers. That was a hell of a thing to expect another human being to do against their will even if it really was the only way to protect everyone else.
Unfortunately Rimmer wasn't quite so understanding. "Sorry, could we just have a moment," the four Dwarfers gathered together in a huddle. "Who votes we get off this crate now before we get horribly disembowelled by a raving maniac?" Rimmer asked in a carefully reasonable tone of voice his hand shooting up immediately along with the Cat's.
"Oh come on guys, where's your sense of fellow feeling, there may be a way we can help these guys out."
"Oh yeah, and how do you propose to succeed here where professionals have evidently failed?"
"I don't know, but surely there must be something we can do. Fit them with a proper engine and some steering at least."
"Actually there is something you can do," said Flacco, who had been listening. "You can help me save the collection. I will keep going as long as I can in my duty but I am more than aware that I will not be able to carry on indefinitely. And the longer we carry on, the more likely I am to make some fatal error. The ship was fitted with a dead man's switch; if I personally don't adjust the controls periodically the bomb will go off, so even if Bob is released he won't get very far.
I have long since come to terms with the fact that despite my best efforts me and my companions will likely die here, one way or another, but you can give me one final chance to win a small victory over those responsible. Remove the artefacts onto your ship so at least this beauty will be preserved."
"What, you really want us to have all this?" asked Lister looking around at what must be a small fraction of the extraordinary wealth on board this ship.
"Sure, I have no use for it. Well, maybe if I could keep a couple of small items of sentimental value, but all the rest is yours."
"Are there clothes in this collection of yours?" asked the Cat excitedly.
"Oh yes, racks and racks somewhere around here," Flacco replied airily, "where do you think I got this get-up?"
The Dwarfers exchanged glances; maniac or no maniac that seemed a very generous offer. However Rimmer was still far from convinced. "But how on Io are we going to move it all, it'll take months, just the five of us, shuttling back and forth in Starbug."
Lister had been thinking about that. "The Titanic's tiny compared to Red Dwarf; I don't see why we couldn't bring her aboard to sit in one of the hangars."
"Are you serious Lister?! You're really proposing that we not only bring aboard our ship a known psychotic killer but also a ship we've just learnt is rigged to blow up?!"
"Might I suggest that we trust Mr Flacco to take care of his ship," put in Kryten diplomatically as he noticed the man's white face rapidly pinkening with irritation.
"And that's another thing," added Rimmer, who didn't have a tactful bone in his body. "How do we know we can trust him, it could all be a ploy for him and his crew to take Red Dwarf from us, it could all be lies as far as we know!"
"He made us tea!" cut in Lister conclusively, "how many of the bloodthirsty monsters we've met over the years have offered us tea?"
"Speaking of which, if you've finished your tea you can come along and see my friends now if you like. Perhaps then you'll believe me," said Flacco, throwing a dark glance in Rimmer's direction.
As they followed their host into the bowels of the craft Lister murmured to Rimmer.
"Well at least you're not bored anymore, eh?"