CHAPTER FIVE

"We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together"

I-90 E: Thursday, July 2

"Doesn't this bring back memories?"

Heavy raindrops pelted the side of the pickup. The wipers were on at full speed blurring the yellow and white lines on the road. The radio was on low as 90s grunge poured out the speakers. Cold air blasted the truck's interior.

Dave kept his eyes trained on the 18-wheeler ahead of him that had barely moved an inch in the last ten minutes all the while silently praying for the rain to stop.

What was it Yogi Berra said all those years ago? It's like déjà vu all over again. Here he was again, three years later, stuck in traffic on the same stretch of highway. He checked the time on the dash and saw it was nearly noon. At this rate, it would be six o'clock before they reached their destination. He was half-tempted to get off on the nearest exit and aim his truck back towards Lima.

"Hopefully this time around," Santana continued. "We won't have to spend the night at a shitty motel."

"At this rate, we'll probably end up spending the night right here," Dave muttered to no one in particular.

Santana removed a stick of gum from its foil wrapper and popped it into her mouth. "As long as I don't have to end up sharing a bed with Hudson again."

Puck was seated on the back row, his elbow on the seats in front of him. He leaned his head forward so he could hear their conversation over the rain. "What are you guys talking about."

Santana twisted around so she could look over her shoulder. "Camp Black Bear." Puck made a face that said, "oh yeah". "The day we left for camp, we got stuck in traffic, for hours, and missed our check-in time. We ended up staying at this really sketch hotel in the middle of nowhere."

Puck chuckled and said, "I do remember hearing about this. Finn texted me the next day complaining that no one wanted to sleep with him with zero context, of course. When I finally understood what he meant, he told me that he ended up sleeping with you."

"It wasn't that bad," Santana said. "I put one of those Gideon bibles between us just in case."

"Aw, Finn's harmless. He can be a bit of a cuddle monster though."

Dave's brow quirked at hearing this. Before he had a chance to say something snarky, Puck craned his head towards him.

"He also told me you and Hummel ended up in bed together," Puck said with the biggest shit-eating grin on his clean-shaven face. "That's when I knew I'd lost the bet."

Dave recalled the bet that Finn, Puck, and Artie had over when he and Kurt would get together. Finn had ended up winning two hundred bucks that summer.

Puck rubbed his jaw as he stared out of the front window. "Man, I wish I'd gone with you guys that summer. You should really hear how Finn describes it. He made it sound like Disney World or something."

"It was pretty magical," Dave said. "Got to meet some really incredible kids." He looked at Puck through the rear-view mirror and added, "It was the first real step I took towards accepting myself."

Puck placed a hand on his shoulder and said, "That's awesome, dude. When Finn told me where you guys were going, I sort of gave him a hard time about it. I think I was just pissed that he was getting to do something fun, and I was stuck in Lima cleaning pools all summer."

"Maybe you should have come with us, Puck," Santana said. "There's just something about you that screams camp counselor."

"Oh, yeah – I was made to be a camp counselor. My favorite movie growing up was Camp Nowhere."

"Is that the one where the kids start their own summer camp?"

"Heck yeah," Puck said. "That movie was awesome. Just a bunch of kids being kids without any adults around. I'd lay by the pool all day working on my tan. Then at night, we'd sit by the campfire, and I'd play my guitar. And then, when everyone went to sleep, me and one of the hot counselors would sneak off to the lake and skinny dip."

Dave rolled his eyes and laughed. "Well, you could've done most of those things at Camp Black Bear. I doubt you would've had much luck, though, finding a skinny-dipping partner."

"I dunno," Santana said with a shrug of her shoulders. "I once found myself susceptible to the charms of Noah Puckerman."

"Until you told me my credit score was too low."

"Well, facts are facts," Santana said with a shrug. "Who knows, though. Maybe you would've liked camp."

"Yeah – and maybe I could've learned a valuable lesson before I joined the Air Force." Puck settled back against his seat.

"Are there a lot of LGBTQ+ people in the Air Force?" Santana asked.

"I wouldn't say there's a lot," Puck said. "But I know of at least three people who fall under that category. One of them slept next to me for eight and a half weeks in basic training."

"Oh wow, Puck – is there something you want to tell us?"

Puck scoffed at the snarky comment and looked down at the floor instead. "His name is Tim, and he came out to me at the end of our second week. It sort of took me off guard. I know this isn't the most politically correct thing to say but if you saw Tim, you wouldn't think that he was gay. Anyway, after he came out to me, I thought things would be a bit weird between the two of us. But they weren't. In fact, I'd say that out of the people I've met since joining the Air Force, I'm probably closest to Tim.

"He took me to my first gay bar," Puck continued. "We got some time off so four of us decided to head down to New Orleans. So, we're walking down Bourbon Street and we pass this club and Tim tells us we should all go inside. Of course, I noticed the rainbow flag hanging above the entrance and knew right away that it was a gay club, but Tim kept insisting that we go in. Well, turns out, all you have to do is tell people you're in the Air Force and you get in free everywhere so there we were in this packed club with half-naked dudes and drag queens and guys dressed in leather. It was … wild."

"Did you like it?" Dave asked, meeting Puck's gaze in the mirror.

"Heck yeah! By the end of the night, I was out on the dance floor with my shirt off. There were so many hands all over me. This one drag queen grabbed my ass. Tim made sure no one did anything too aggressive to me. It was weird having a dude watch out for me like that. Tim later told me that one of his friends got roofied and ended up getting … you know … by some guy he met at a bar."

"You, sir, experienced in that one night what pretty much every woman has to deal with 24/7," Santana said.

"Yeah – that's what Tim said. But hey, I don't want to make it sound like that these gay dudes were trying to take advantage of me or anything like that."

"Yeah, we get it," Dave said. "But problematic men come in all shapes and sizes. Something similar happened to me back when I started going to Scandals. Thankfully, one of the bartenders was looking out for me and he beat the shit outta the guy and threw him out on his ass."

"Shit, that's … scary."

"It was," Dave said. "Ever since then, I never take my eyes off my drink when I'm at a bar, and if I do – I buy another drink."

"Same," Santana said. She looked over her shoulder at Puck and said, "Sounds like this Tim guy has been a good influence on you."

"Yeah – he has. I remember one time I was talking to him about that time some of us drove over to Hummel's place and nailed his patio furniture to the roof. Man, I have never seen Tim get angry like that. I honestly thought he was gonna punch me. I kept telling him it was a joke, but it was like he didn't believe me.

"When he finally calmed down, he told me that something similar happened to him back when he was in school. He said some of the guys from the football team, dragged him onto the top of the building, stripped off his clothes off, and left him there so that when everyone was leaving for the day, they could see him. Nowadays that would be considered sexual assault and those guys would've probably ended up in juvie, but he said nothing happened. Tim said he tried going to the principal but all she said was that it was a harmless prank and just boys being boys. That's bullshit.

"If we had tried that with Hummel, Burt would've grabbed his shotgun and hunted all of us down like some badass Charles Bronson. Man, I felt like shit after he told me that story. It really made me realize just how dangerous shit like that is. Like what if Kurt didn't have his dad. Or Mercedes. Or Rachel. Or the glee club." Puck sighed and shook his head. "He might not even be here right now."

"It's funny," Santana said quietly. "I used to think that bullying was just part of being a teenager in high school. It wasn't until I got to camp that I realized just how damaging it can be. And it's not just the physical bullying. The stuff that kids say to each other can actually be worse. Much worse."

"It's part of the reason why after I get out, I want to go to school so I can become a teacher?"

"You want to become a teacher?" Dave asked. Puck gave a small nod. "That's awesome, Puck. What do you want to teach?"

"Maybe history. Or music. They're the two subjects I didn't totally suck at. Mostly I just want to be what I didn't have. Don't get me wrong – I love Mr. Schue and I appreciate him providing a safe space for all of us rejects – but looking back I wish he would've pulled me aside and told me to stop being an asshole. He saw all of us being absolutely shitty to each other and he just sat back and let it happen. If I were a teacher, I would call that shit out."

"Well, I think you'd be a great teacher," Dave said. "Especially if you go back and teach at McKinley."

"I appreciate that, man. Julie seems to think it's a good idea as well."

"Julie?" Santana perked up in the passenger seat. "Who is Julie?"

"Um, she's my girlfriend."

"Hold up," Santana said, holding out her left hand. "You have a girlfriend?" Puck grinned sheepishly and gave a slight head nod. "And you didn't tell us."

"You never asked," Puck said lamely.

"Well, we've definitely got a lot of time on our hands right now," Dave said glaring at the truck in front of him. "So, tell us about her."

"Yeah, what's she like?"

Puck grinned again and looked down at his feet so neither of them could see his face turning a brilliant shade of crimson. "Um, her name is Julie Becker, and she lives in Portland."

"So, it's a long-distance relationship?"

"With me being on active duty, it would be a long-distance relationship no matter where she lived. Anyway, we actually met the night Tim took us to that gay bar. She and her friends were on spring break. Tim and I and the two guys we were with were standing in line at the bar, waiting to get drinks, and she was standing in front of me. Well, when she got her drink, she turned around and knocked into me, spiling her drink all over me.

"I think she thought I was mad because she kept apologizing, over and over again, but all I kept thinking was that she had the most beautiful green eyes I've ever seen. Seriously, I've seen a lot of eyes, a lot of green eyes, but these were like on another level. And she has this really dark hair, not dyed or anything, and it just makes her eyes stand out even more."

Dave couldn't help but smile as he listened to Puck describe this girl. It definitely reminded him of how he'd use to sit in class and sneak glances at Kurt. By the end of their freshman year, he had every detail of Kurt memorized. His pale, almost porcelain skin. His eyes which were a precise mixture of blue and green and gray. Every strand of his dark brown hair. Lips that were practically begging to be kissed.

Years later, he got to strip all of those layers of silk and denim away to see what truly lied beneath. There were mornings when he'd awaken before Kurt, and he would just lie there studying every inch of Kurt's body. That's how he first discovered the birthmark on Kurt's inner thigh. It was shaped like a lima bean and Dave would joke that even if Kurt one day decided to leave Lima and never come back, Lima would always be with him – right between his legs. That usually earned him an elbow in the ribs.

Dave tugged at the seat belt across his chest and shifted slightly to accommodate for the sudden rush of blood moving southward. He looked up at Puck through the rear-view mirror and saw the look of absolute adoration on his face. It was so obvious the guy was in love and despite his own personal views on the L-word, Dave was happy for him. Being in love was the best feeling in the world.

"So, she offered to buy you a drink and then what?" Santana asked. "Did you two hook up?"

"Not exactly," Puck said. "I asked her to dance, and we did, and she was the one who got me to take off my shirt."

"That little hussy," Santana said playfully.

"Hey now," Puck said in a half-serious, half-joking tone. "She was very respectful. We danced – for what felt like hours. Then Tim came up to me and told me he and the guys were heading back to the hotel and he asked me if I was staying behind. We sort of have this rule amongst the four of us that no matter what, no one gets left behind."

"So, you just left her?" Santana asked. "No offense but that sounds like the cockblock of the century."

"Aw, I wouldn't say that. Besides, it was getting really late, and we had plans to get on the road early. Now Julie, on the other hand, was pretty put out that I was about to leave. She even offered to walk me back to my hotel later."

"That's sweet," Dave said. "Did you take her up on her offer?"

Puck shook his head no. "I did end up leaving with the guys, but I did give her my phone number. I asked for hers, but she said no. She told me that she didn't give out her number to random guys she met in the bar. However, she did say that if was able to remember me by the time she sobered up in the morning, she would definitely text me."

"This Julie sounds like a badass," Dave said shooting a grin over his shoulder at Puck.

"She is. Finn said I could invite her to come along but she has a paper due next week. Maybe I'll arrange some time to FaceTime her so you all can meet her."

"That would be awesome," Santana said. "I believe I'd like a chance to meet the girl that has Noah Puckerman wrapped around her finger."

"That she does," Puck said with a laugh. "I can't even deny it. We talk every single chance we get. Oh, and you both would be shocked to hear this but in the six months that we've been dating, there's been absolutely zero sex."

Dave's jaw dropped at the same time Santana gasped. Dave shot her a 'can you believe what we just heard' look before he looked back at Puck through the mirror. Puck rolled his eyes and said, "Don't look so surprised."

"Well, I am," Santana said. "You're telling me that you've been dating this girl for half a year and you two haven't been horizontal yet."

"That's exactly what I'm telling you."

"Are we talking actual sex like P goes into V – or A – or -."

"We haven't done anything sexual. No oral. No finger-blasting. Nothing. I haven't even seen her naked."

"That's … shocking," Santana said shaking her head. She slowly looked over her shoulder at Puck and glared at him. "Who are you and what have you done with Puck?"

Puck laughed and said, "Is it that hard to believe that I'm finally in love with someone and I respect her enough to follow her lead on things? Look, it's not like we don't talk about sex. I mean for a rabbi in training, she talks a LOT about sex."

"She's a rabbi?" Dave blurted.

"Rabbi in training," Puck clarified.

"Ah – so that's why she doesn't want to have sex."

"Rabbis can have sex, Santana. And no, that's not the reason why we're not having sex. We both have pretty fucked up histories when it comes to sex. She knows all about me banging married women when I was in high school, and she was actually the first person to point out just how fucked up that was and not just because they were married."

Dave thought back to when they were in high school, on the varsity football team. He thought about how Puck used to brag about all of the girls he was banging when they were freshman. Then pretty much every guy started having sex soon after that so then Puck started telling stories about all of the women he was hooking up with. Married women. Single moms. College chicks. All of them over the age of eighteen while Puck was barely sixteen. And Dave had been one of the guys cheering him on, completely oblivious to just how messed up it all was.

"Puck, I don't think there's anything weird about you choosing not to have a sexual relationship with Julie," Dave spoke up. "Actually, it sounds pretty mature on both your parts."

"Well, I don't think it's weird either," Santana said. "I just think it's weird for Puck."

"Well, think of me as Puck 2.0 – or Noah, as Julie likes to call me. Actually, she refuses to call me Puck. She says 'Puck' is the name of a guy that no longer exists anymore."

"So, should we start calling you Noah?" Dave asked.

"Nah," Puck said with a slight shrug. "I mean you guys have been calling me Puck for years. I think it would be weird if you suddenly started calling me Noah. Besides, I kind of like that she's one of the only people who calls me that. It makes it more special."

"Oh my god," Santana gushed. "Noah Puckerman is in love. I never thought I'd see the day."

"Yeah," Dave agreed. "It sounds serious. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks," Puck said. "Maybe I can convince her to come to the lake house. She's staying with her folks down in Pittsburgh which isn't too far away."

"That would be awesome," Dave said. "I'd love to meet her. She sounds great."

"That she is," Puck said dreamily. "At least if she came down, or rather up, I wouldn't be the odd one out anymore."

Dave's deep brow furrowed as he continued to watch Puck through the rear-view mirror. Up ahead, the 18-wheeler started inching forward which he hoped meant that whatever was holding up traffic had been taken care of. He lifted his size 12 Adidas sneaker off the brake and sighed. Maybe they would reach the lake house before six.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Well, Finn and Sebastian are joined at the hip these days," Puck said. "And the two of you are like this …" He held up his hand to show that his fingers were crossed.

"Oh, c'mon, Puck," Santana scoffed. "Me and Dave are close but it's not like we're gonna spend the weekend ignoring you."

"I know, I know," Puck sighed. "But Kurt and his boyfriend are coming, too, and -."

"Wait – Kurt's coming?" Santana asked, her eyes wider than Dave had ever seen them. She shot a look at him and asked, "Did you know Kurt was coming?"

Dave shook his head as he white-knuckled the steering wheel. Puck's eyes darted back and forth between the two of them as he registered the shock on both their faces.

"I'm guessing by the look on your faces that you didn't know that he was coming."

Dave swallowed and kept his eyes laser-focused on the road ahead of them. Traffic was back to moving at a steady pace although now he really was considering turning around and driving back home.

"When this weekend was initially pitched to me," he began. "I was told that it was just going to be me, Tana, Finn, and Sebastian. There was no mentioning of Kurt. Or his boyfriend."

Puck reached up to scratch the back of his neck. "That's weird. Finn told me the point of this whole weekend was to get you all together again since the four of you haven't really hung out since camp."

"I don't get it," Santana said. "Why wouldn't Finn tell us that? I would've been down for a reunion."

Puck ducked his head and said, "Maybe he thought that if you knew Kurt was coming, you wouldn't come."

"That's ridiculous," Santana said. "Why wouldn't we come?"

Dave opened his mouth to say something in response but immediately closed it. The news that Kurt was coming to Sebastian's lake house was like getting side-swiped by a semitruck. He thought about the last time he and Kurt were in the same room. Kurt had insisted on going to the airport alone, but Dave wouldn't hear of it. He'd offered to drive him to O'Hare, and he even waited while Kurt boarded his flight. Seeing Kurt look over his shoulder and give him that same smile he'd fallen in love with the summer before, right before he handed the attendant his boarding pass had marked the official end of their all-to-brief relationship.

Now he was about to see Kurt for the first time in two years.

"Are you okay?"

Dave felt a hand on his arm. He blinked away the moisture in his eyes and looked over at Santana. There was a worried looked on her face. He hated when she worried. Especially about him.

"I'm sorry," Puck said quietly. "I didn't mean -."

Dave cleared his throat and shook his head. "No, I'm fine. I'm, uh …" C'mon, Dave – use your words! "It's fine. I'm fine." He conjured his best smile, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. "Finn's right."

"That's something you don't hear often," Santana muttered under her breath.

"It'll be nice to see everyone again," he continued.

"Well, that's a relief," Puck said. "I wasn't around when you and um, Kurt broke up. I'm glad to see that you two are still cool with each other."

Dave wanted to tell Puck that while he certainly didn't harbor any ill-will towards Kurt, the two of them hadn't spoken to each other since Kurt arrived in New York. What little he knew about Kurt were all things he'd either heard about from Finn or seen on social media. The latter is how he'd found out about Kurt's boyfriend – the same boyfriend who was apparently tagging along this weekend.

Traffic was moving quite fast again, and the rain had finally subsided. Everything was still gray which was fitting for how Dave was currently feeling. As he half-listened to Santana update Puck on how things were going at Ohio State, he thought back to what she had said a few moments earlier.

Why wouldn't Finn tell us that?

Indeed, why hadn't Finn told him that Kurt was coming to the lake house? Why hadn't Sebastian? Aside from Santana, the two of them knew more about his relationship with Kurt than anyone else. They'd even taken him out for drinks at his favorite bar after he'd gotten home from the airport that day. Why the hell would they put him in this position?

The dark rain clouds above them parted slightly to reveal a peek of golden light and at that moment a light bulb went off in Dave's head. If Finn had gone out of his way to not mention Kurt coming to Dave, then Kurt was probably oblivious of the fact that he was coming, too. And the only reason you would neglect to mention to two exes that the other was also coming to a weekend getaway is because you were planning on doing a little matchmaking. That had to be it! Finn and Sebastian were plotting to get Dave back together with Kurt.

Well played, Dave thought to himself. Had Puck not said anything, Dave would've been completely blindsided when he arrived at the lake house and saw that Kurt was there. But who was going to tell Kurt? Dave figured he knew the answer to the question already and somehow that made him feel ten times worse. Would Kurt feel like he was being set up when he showed up and saw Dave? What would his boyfriend think? The last thing Dave needed was for his ex's boyfriend to think he was trying to get back with him.

Because no matter what Finn and Sebastian were planning, there was no way that Dave was ever getting back together with Kurt. That ship had sailed two years ago. Yes, they could still be friends. Maybe this trip would remind them of all the things they liked about each other prior to crossing the line romantically. But as far as rekindling any of the romance they'd' once shared, that was not going to happen because while Dave was a lot of things, he was not a homewrecker.

Nice try, guys, Dave thought as he sped towards Lake Chautauqua.