A/N: so this plot idea has been knocking around in my mind for a while - if Elliot and Olivia spent one night together every year since his departure, never talking about their lives or what had changed. the timeline/years might not be perfect, I suck at math. + the goal was to try to keep it as potentially canonical as possible. and to those waiting for an update for trials & the arrangement, they're coming I promise. I just needed to vibe for a little bit with something new. check out my twitter /alrightabigail for the cover art to this fic!
Semper Infidelity
2012.
The first year, she almost didn't go.
On the occasion of receiving a small envelope with a hotel key card in it, she would've been suspicious. Beyond so. She wouldn't have gone without the safety of a squad behind her - or maybe even at all. Until she spotted one letter that made her heart rise into her throat.
'E' scrawled neatly on the back of the white paper card holder. A date and time - which would ultimately become a time that stood out on her calendar for the next ten years.
It was the same every year. The Mercer Hotel. 10:00pm. Room 412. April 17th. Always an exact month before he shot Jenna Fox.
Against her greater judgment and every voice in her head telling her not to, she decided to go.
The first year, she had a list of things she wanted to say to him. That list never really had the chance to be spoken aloud. How could it have? The first time in a year that she saw him, her lips were on his and neither of them were sure who crossed the line first. Unbeknownst to either of them, their treasured little line ceased to exist. It was a line they had spent 12 years dancing around so carefully.
She didn't want to think about the moment that led up to the kiss; how just about every memory of them flashed before her eyes in firework fashion.
With each passing minute, they crossed further over the barrier where that line had laid. Neither of them would speak aloud about how right it felt because it wasn't supposed to be right. They weren't supposed to be here, desperately searching for friction as they moved in a union.
Being with her, being in her, it was his homecoming. A long year of feeling lost and confused, it was all rectifying itself as the sheets became more tangled.
His hands had become tangled in her hair and as if God had come to whisper in his ear, a familiar set of song lyrics played on repeat inside of his head.
'And I remember when I moved in you, and the holy dove she was moving too, and every single breath we drew was Hallelujah'
He didn't want to let her go, but the sun always rose. They couldn't stay here forever.
There were few words after that, the last and only words she would hear from his mouth for nine years. It was a simple agreement that next year, it would happen again.
And the year after that. And the year after that.
"Same place? Same time?"
For 365 days, she grappled with the fact that she had slept with a married man. Her best friend, who had turned into a total stranger. He had new lines on his face, new stories untold. But she didn't spend much time looking at them, instead she just basked in the glory of having him close to her. A radical choice was made to cross that line, but it had been so long since they still had a relationship with a crossable line.
The list of things that she was going to say dissolved. She was left with nothing to say.
She had made a decision that brought her morality into question, and still had nothing to say.
2013.
Then, 365 days passed and she was there again. Room 412, April 17th. Her nerves were shot and her mind was hazy. A year was a long time to wonder if she would be able to do it again. To wonder if she should. She prayed - something she never does. Except, she wasn't sure if she was praying for the strength to come or the strength not to.
When they touched, she realized something very important. She realized that he had memorized her body last time. Every inch that he had touched, it was burned into him. He knew what she had liked or appeared to have liked. He knew what to avoid.
He remembered.
Room 412 of the Mercer had become their bubble of frozen time. Where the movements were the same and she wore the exact matching bra and panty set that she had worn the first time. Nothing had to change - time didn't have to pass.
It was as sinful as it was enjoyable. She didn't know if it was cheating, she didn't know if Kathy had stayed or left. She probably should've asked - but that would've put a stake into their agreement. She wanted to be selfish for just one day; to take what she wanted and ignore the consequences. He didn't have his ring on and she didn't stare long enough to see if the tan lines on his finger were faded or not.
She didn't want to know.
She was tired of sacrificing what she wanted.
He and Kathy had always had a tumultuous relationship. She knew that her presence contributed to that and it didn't make her proud. However, there was something newly territorial awoken in her. Elliot didn't belong to her, but on some plane of existence, he did. All she wanted was those few hours every year. Kathy could have him for the other 364 days.
Not a word was spoken between them, not a single syllable. She hardly even looked him in the eyes. Only a primal need to take what she wanted and give what she could. Bruised and swollen lips accompanied by the long lost feeling of his skin beneath her fingertips. By the time they were done, she had left room 412 as if it had never happened.
Little did she know that almost exactly a month later, everything would change for the rest of her life when a very bad man made a very bad choice.
2014.
She didn't show up.
It was too soon.
Her breakup with Cassidy was fresh, but that wasn't why.
There was a mental countdown beginning - one month until the anniversary of that horrible stretch of days. Adding Elliot and their confusing entanglement to the mix would only confuse her further. She needed her time to prepare for that anniversary. Except, 'anniversary' was too kind of a word for the days of what had happened to her.
And then hell repeated itself and blood had spattered on her face. Blood that didn't belong to her. Her worst nightmare had started and ended within those 365 days. Facing Elliot only a few days after that was not an option. Truth be told, facing anyone after that was hard.
She looked at the keycard with the letter 'E' written on the back and anger filled her. He'd left; stupid bastard. He'd left and her life went to hell and she wasn't ready to see him after that. Maybe ever.
She didn't know if he knew or not. Maybe one of his kids had told him. But that would've made it worse. That would've meant there had been several months where he could've shown up. He could've broken their pact of silence and been the friend she needed.
So no, she wasn't ready in more ways than one.
But he waited. He waited in that hotel room for a lot longer than he would've liked to admit. Leaving only with a bruised ego and another 365 days until he could try again.
2015.
It was a risk, but calculated. He sent the keycard again. He was filled with painful wonder as to why she had missed their time the year before. Maybe she had changed her mind; come to her senses for the both of them and put it to an end. He only wished that if 2013 had been the last time that he would've spent more time enjoying it. Treasuring it. Every skimming touch and cry into the silence.
If she didn't show up now, he wouldn't try again.
The keycard appeared in her mail and the handwriting was the same as it always was. For nearly two years, she questioned if she would ever step into room 412 again. Most days were assumed to be no, she wouldn't. But that damn keycard, that damn letter 'E'.
When she did show up, she was angry. He could feel it from the moment she walked in. Something in the air that followed her; it was a tension that he couldn't read. Every year he was met with a new woman wearing the face of his beloved partner. This year, that woman was more different than ever.
A lot went over his head since his mind was already swimming with the relief of seeing her. He didn't even notice the baby spit-up on the collar of her shirt. But as soon as that shirt was off of her body, he noticed it all.
Scars. New scars that couldn't have been all that new because they were white now. Faded into her skin like a memory. Odd places, odd shapes. A war had been waged upon her; a war he wasn't there to stand by and fight with her. His brows furrowed in angry confusion at the sight. Just as he began to open his mouth and break the pact of silence, her hand came over his mouth to stop the words from escaping. She didn't want questions. She didn't want to give answers. She wanted him to shut up and fuck her.
He still remembered her body and the way it moved. Except, it felt more like remembering the body of a ghost. She, however, was much different. Angerier. More powerful and in control. She took the lead and he noticed. He noticed the rage under her skin and the way that she spent their time roughly claiming him as her own. He could hear her thoughts filling the silence, but he wasn't sure what those thoughts were. All he knew was that she was thinking them loudly.
She had a point to prove and she was proving it to him without words. Proving that she had survived without him; proving that she had thrived. Deep down under it, there was a broken heart. A heart that wished it had to prove nothing.
It was his turn to spend the next 365 days with his mind racing.
2016.
She had always felt guilty about their one day each year. This year was worse. She was trying to be happy in her relationship, and in some ways she was. Mostly when she wasn't looking Tucker in the eyes - she was happy. When she could close her eyes and pretend that he was someone else.
Ed had always known what he had signed up for with Olivia. He would always come third. First would be Noah, second would be Elliot. Even if Elliot was on the moon, he would always be higher on the list. So when she unwraps the keycard from its sleeve, there is guilt and there is so much of it. Then there is the usual debate on whether or not to go - a debate that has almost always ended up with her attendance.
She silently thanks her higher power that their agreement always relied on silence from the start. If she had to look Elliot in the eye and tell him that she was attempting to build a life with the man who made their mutual lives miserable for so long - he would feel betrayed. But not nearly as betrayed as she had felt when he left.
When she shows up, he can sense the reservation in her. There is hesitance but there is wanting and needing that will never leave her. He smells the cologne of another man on her and every part of him wants to leave his fingerprints inked on her skin. On her hips and thighs and anywhere else that proves that he won.
He did win. After all, she was there - in bed with him. Letting him touch her in ways that were as possessive as he had ever been. He was claiming her and she knew it.
She hated it. Then she loved it.
Then she just hated herself.
If he could go home to his wife after this, then she could go home to her relationship too. Neither of them won - not really. Nobody was winning as long as the door to room 412 still closed with both of them going opposite ways.
2017.
She isn't tethered anymore. It's unfortunate and sad but it's true. When the door to room 412 opens, he can see it. She smells like herself again and isn't carrying a weight on her. At least not as heavy as last time. She thought for sure that last time would be the last time, but the keycard came and she wasn't holding the weight of the world on her shoulders.
She had broken it off with Tucker. The guilt never really went away, but it wasn't being carried into the bed with her this time.
For the first time since it all started, it was weightless. He looked older, so did she. Time had passed right by them, but the furniture was still the same in their hotel room and in each other's eyes, no time had passed at all.
There was no silent fighting in their movements. Neither one of them taking their rage out on each other. No battle for dominance. New scars formed, old scars faded, but it was one of the first times that it didn't feel so wrong. She didn't mind savoring the taste of his lips and the grip his hands had on her.
It was a rhythm that reminded her of their 12 years as partners. A familiar synchronicity, only amplified now by the flood of endorphins and lines being crossed. Oh, that invisible line in the sand. The tides had come in and washed it away but neither of them really knew when that happened.
At one point, with her face hidden in the crook of his neck, she fought back the urge to let her tears fall. She had tried to convince herself that this - whatever it was - wasn't taking pieces away from her soul. It was a lie; maybe even the biggest one she had ever told. The large and empty crack inside of her heart was proof enough that every night in room 412 was killing her more and more.
She had come close to speaking - but it felt too dangerous. She wanted to know how he was and what his life had become. Hell, she had wanted to know from the start. But this time felt like she could actually ask him. She bit her tongue, kept their promise of a wordless interaction.
This time it was harder to leave.
2018.
Five months since she had trusted someone only to have it bite her in the ass. Sheila had abducted her son, made her feel as if Noah wasn't hers. As if she hadn't been the one putting in the hard work of being a mom for several years.
She was sick and tired of people taking from her!
The keycard arrived and she felt herself sigh with relief. As unhealthy as it was, she wanted to reclaim something of hers that was lost; anything.
She had opened the door of room 412 as if she was coming home to her lover after a long day of work. Eerily domesticated but not for long. She had never really found out if Kathy was still in the picture or not. She didn't care, she had stopped caring long ago. But now she knows. The tan lines on his ring finger were dark enough to know that the ring had only come off shortly before she entered their hotel room.
She was naive to think that Kathy had ever been gone in the first place. Part of her wanted to turn away and walk out, but a much bigger part of her was there for the purpose of reclaiming. Which is exactly what she was going to do.
It's what she did.
Without a single word, she made Elliot hers that time. It brought him back to 2015 when she had held 100% of the control. Except this time, there was a different pain. Less running, more longing. She wasn't trying to outrun her feelings like that night 3 years prior. She was wading in them this time. Making it damn clear that he belonged to her at least in some rights.
Out of nothing but spite, she made sure to mark him. A scattered patch of redness on his neck; absolutely unhideable. It didn't feel like it was herself making that decision. It felt like the pent up jealousy from years and years of fighting against her feelings had come to the surface. For once, she wanted to make it known that he was hers. He would always be hers.
Always.
2019.
He seems stressed. She still has her instincts when it comes to him. It's probably a case - if he's even still working. She could see it in the way the writing on the keycard sleeve was harsh, as if he was gripping the pen for dear life. Now she feels it in his palms as he holds her body against his.
His actions were speaking and they were saying that the only thing right he's ever done in his life was finding a way to be with her. Yet he couldn't even do that right. For fucks sake they were in a hotel room once a year without speaking a single word to each other.
She didn't know about Rome. She didn't know about this fucking asshole Richard Wheatley who was screwing everything up. His bosses were on his ass about the case and he couldn't catch a break.
He just needed to prove that he could do something right. So adrenaline fills him. Anger and irritation and every bad feeling fills him but she is the light. She melts that away from him even when it's not her job to do so.
She's still here and she's clawing at his back… he must be doing something right.
If he had known what the next year had in store for him, he would've stayed in that hotel room much longer.
2020.
No keycard. It was no surprise. They were in the height of the stay-home order. She had no clue that he wasn't even in the country.
Instead, it was a letter. Five words and strange postage that didn't make sense to her.
"Not this year. Stay safe."
It was for the best. They were up to their eyes in DV cases rising from quarantine. The last thing she needed to worry about was getting herself sick, him sick, and spreading it to whoever she would come in contact with.
She could wait another year. She didn't have a choice.
She just hoped that he would stay healthy. She didn't let her hopes wander further than that.
2021.
"I can't do April 17th. March 6th. I'll be in the city."
She cringes because she has that fucking award ceremony that she doesn't even want to go to. Before anyone can see, she tucks the keycard into her purse. She'll have an hour or two to be at the ceremony before she'll be able to sneak out to the Mercer.
And when the day comes and she's pulling up to the event, she swears her eyes are betraying her. Everything inside of her crumbles as she runs to the side of the ambulance, praying to any God that will listen that it isn't who she thinks it is. It can't be Kathy; it simply can't.
But her eyes didn't lie and God can be cruel.
As soon as she hears it, she stiffens. Their little bubble of time in room 412 would cease to exist. They can both feel it - the moment it all ended. She's heard his sounds over the years of their secret nights. She's heard his breath and the noises he makes when he simply can't stop himself.
"Liv!"
But it had been so long since she had heard him speak.