Hello!
I know this story isn't translated well. I'm Polish and unfortunately English is not my strong point. However, I love this fandom and I would like to share my stories with more readers.
This translation is a compilation of a translator and my poor skills. If you understand it and by some miracle you like it, I will try to figure out how to bite the language problem.
Let me know, what do you think.
One more step
„Do you need anything else, sire"? Merlin asked. He looked at me without even a trace of a smile. The warm glow that had once disappeared from his eyes only occasionally, now appeared occasionally, but this was definitely not the moment.
„Actually, no", I replied. I leaned back against the cushions and glanced at the jug of wine standing on the table. Damn it! Now or never. There will be no better opportunity for this conversation. Just so I don't manage to screw things up before I start. Merlin was already looking at me investigatively, as he was waiting for something. He unmistakably sensed my tension, which in this situation was eminently unbecoming of me.
„Are you worried about Gwen"? he asked, and I realised that I was turning the royal signet ring on my finger. I don't think I could have admitted my nervousness in a more obvious way.
Gwen was away for a few days in Arthen, where Sir Leon's sister had opened a home for the terminally ill who had nowhere else to go. Gwen and I supported Eleanor's work as best we could. We planned to set up such homes in several other places, so as to extend help to those in need throughout the kingdom.
„I gave her the best possible protection", I replied. A shadow of anxiety obviously lingered somewhere, as it always did when she left, but we couldn't lock ourselves in the citadel and neglect the affairs of our subjects. Even, or perhaps especially, when Morgana resorted to the meanest tricks to intimidate us.
Gaius also went, at the request of the local physician, who wished to consult him on several matters. I wasn't too happy about this. I would rather have had the physician from Arten pay Gaius a visit, but in the end I figured that since Gaius didn't mind, suggesting that perhaps he was too weak to make such trips would be a disservice. I knew that Leon would see to everything, that Gwen and Gaius were safe in his care.
„So what's eating you"?
I pointed with my hand to the jug of wine. Irrational nervousness had settled for good in the region of my stomach and was growing at an almost alarming rate, coming up my throat in waves. Merlin's gaze stuck in my face, so overtly concerned, wasn't helping. The dice were about to be thrown and there would be no turning back. There could be no turning back. Things have gone too far lately, slipped imperceptibly from the fragile control I tried to have over this man. It must come to him that keeping me and the kingdom safe is not his role, and that I don't wish him to be abducted, injured, or die trying to do so. The fact that Morgana had lured him into a trap and - by some miracle unsuccessfully - tried to kill him, as I had learned from Gwen, emphatically confirmed what we had both long suspected.
„It's nothing. There's just a lot of things to think about. Pour yourself a drink", I said in a tone that I hoped didn't suggest any particular intentions. Merlin slowly shook his head, and I cursed in my spirit. Damn you, Merlin! I won't vouch for myself if I hear again that I treat my dogs better. None of my dogs had the honour of bowing their heads with almost palpable reluctance at the suggestion of a drink of wine in the royal chambers. I was curious for an excuse. Gathering herbs was out of the question, because it was going to be quite a storm.
„Really... thank you, sire, but I would like to go to bed", he said. I didn't expect that. He hardly ever asked so openly for permission to go to retire. He was clearly in pain, I could see it in his posture, a painful twitch flashed across his face when he moved more violently. However, if I had asked at the wrong moment, I would have received an evasive answer, so I pretended not to notice anything.
I shifted on the bed and patted the place next to me. I wasn't going to let go, even if it came to hell and hell. The strategy was apparently simple; to give a firm rebuff to all excuses. You want to lie down? Go ahead. You can even hang from the ceiling if you prefer, but you stay and talk to me.
An embarrassment was painted on Merlin's face, which I could perhaps understand if he hadn't regularly, over several years, piled his skeleton on me in the wee hours of the morning, yelling - at best - „Rise and shine!" and doing a few other things which, to call inappropriate, might illustrate the understatement of the century.
„Arthur, I'm prepared to face all manner of horrors in this world", he said „but if you think I'm sharing this bed with you".
It seemed to me that he was teasing, that he was referring to some specific situation, but I couldn't recall it. It was hard to tell if he was trying to tease or he was annoyed, so I tried to consider both possibilities when answering.
„Oh, don't be ridiculous. It's like we haven't been lying next to each other a hundred times. I need you here for a while yet, and you look like a girl about to faint, so you'd really better lie down. Anyway... as you wish, but don't you dare accuse me of being an insensitive asshole".
„You're an insensitive asshole", he replied unconvincingly. „And you aren't nice for no reason".
So he was trying to tease. I smiled slightly. The tension eased a little. Strenuously, but nevertheless, we were circling near the familiar ground.
„Well, for some reason I'm anxious that your uselessness shouldn't reach a critical level tonight".
„These are some levels"? he asked. He pretended to be very absorbed in sorting out the parchments on the table.
„Of course. I even wrote it once. It should be there somewhere".
„Are you preparing some kind of scientific dissertation on the uselessness of servants"?
I was pleased by this sudden flash of humour, although I realised that there wasn't even a hint of real cheerfulness in it.
„You guessed", I said with laughter.
„I didn't expect you to have such aspirations. To tell you the truth, until recently I wouldn't have bet that you could write anything more than your name".
„Do you know I could hang you for that"?
„I know", he muttered. „What exactly is stopping you"?
He bent down to pick up the scroll of parchment he had dropped, and a painful grimace crossed his face again. When the hell did he manage to hurt himself? He hadn't been 'at the tavern recently. I ordered the knights to keep a discreet eye on him and once they caught him at night outside the castle, supposedly gathering herbs. Exactly when a dangerous witch decided to pay us a visit. Coincidence? There was a good chance that it wasn't. He probably tried to follow her on his own.
„Stop asking stupid questions, leave it and come here", I urged him.
„I'm not going to faint, and while I'm still here, I might as well get it sorted".
„You can't do two things at once".
„I can. I have many talents".
„Oh, yeah. I have to admit you're very good at hiding them".
The realisation that there must be a lot of truth in this gave my words an unexpectedly bitter edge. I got up to pour myself some wine, more out of impatience than real need. Merlin left the table. He wandered hesitantly about the chamber, fiddling with the hearth, looking out of the window, tinkering with the curtains, tearing some threads from his scarf. I could hardly refrain from throwing something at him, although maybe that wouldn't be a mistake. I wanted to arrange a casual, natural conversation, I wanted to treat him like a friend, not like a king, but I was just beginning to come to the conclusion that with his current disposition, I would have to speak from the position of a king. At least at first.
„Merlin", I said sharply, tightening my fingers on my cup. He twitched and immediately turned to me. The words were not so much trapped in my throat, but for a moment I forgot speech existed at all. He was deathly pale and his eyes were filled with a frightening mixture of burning pain, sadness, bitterness, resignation and that characteristic discreet tendernment. It was this that stood out. Clear and pure, it floated to the surface of an ocean of incomprehensible anguish, it seemed to dominate everything else. His voice, when he spoke, was a perfect reflection of his gaze; so gentle, warm and tearfully sad.
„Arthur, I'm… I'm grateful to you for playing it out this way. You don't even know how grateful".
With slightly trembling hands he took the cup from my hand. His cool fingers brushed mine. I looked at him mesmerized, completely incapable of any reaction. He was swallowing tears, but his posture exuded a natural, subtle dignity that not many nobles could boast.
„I swore an oath to serve you until death, and whatever you think now, I want you to know that I always have. Everything I have done, I have done for you. Only for you. I have consciously never betrayed you. I would rather die than betray you".
At the last words his voice faltered. The understanding lurking under my skin struck me with the violence of lightning. There was indeed a thunder outside. I felt as if someone had simultaneously slapped me and stuck a dagger between my ribs. One of the candles in the candelabra standing on the table went out. Merlin blinked. A few tears ran down his face. That sobered me. I reached out to him, as if the wine in the cup he was about to raise to his lips really was poisoned. I grabbed him firmly by the arm. He was trembling under my hand, breathing fast.
„Thank you", he whispered. „Thank you for all those years in which... I had something to live for".
The dagger turned with great force. I held my breath and clenched my jaws. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. The only man in the world whose loyalty I didn't doubt even for a blink of an eye was convinced that I intended to kill him quietly. For some reason he doubted me. Despite the stifling pain, I had to do something, to stop this ridiculous nightmare somehow. When I opened my mouth, words overtook thoughts.
„Have you fallen on your head one too many times and completely damaged this poor imitation of a brain you supposedly possess? How dare you! After all we've been through together! I think it would have been better by now if you had betrayed me! Although that's exactly what you did"!
Too loud, too brutal, wrong. I breathed deeply, trying to control the anger oozing from the dagger wound. If I had allowed it to carry me further, I would inevitably have done irreparable damage, eventually strangling the frail but still vivid hope that there was still something to save. I desperately clung to hope, even though anger came much easier and drowned out the pain.
Another thunderclap shook the castle. I grabbed my cup and took a few sips of wine. You have your poison, you idiot! Merlin's arm slipped out of my hand. He slumped to his knees. He was no longer pale. His skin had practically lost its colour.
„Arthur", he mouthed. „I... Everything is so unclear... Forgive me. I'm begging you, forgive me".
When, at our first meeting, Merlin dared to insult me in public, there wasn'thing I wanted more than to bring him to this state, to make him beg on his knees for forgiveness. I demanded that he be flogged, and he ended up in the stocks only because the twisted relationship between my father and Gaius was just at the point where Gaius could count on the king's favour and he eagerly took advantage of it. Well, as they say, be careful what you wish for, because after many years the fulfilment may unexpectedly come straight to your face and knock your teeth out.
I took his chin with my hand, forcing him to look at me. His eyes were moist, but he wasn't crying. He was terrified, almost on the verge of losing his senses. Fear, like a giant spider, descended on my back, bit into my neck and wrapped its hideous legs tightly around my chest. I couldn't help but start to feel frightened when this shockingly brave man was so cruelly broken by something. It reached me forcefully that we were not in this situation for no reason, that Morgana had long been trying to reach into the heart of Camelot and gradually tear it apart.
Everything is so unclear, I repeated in my mind. Merlin had hit the nail on the head, as usual. Or rather, he spectacularly clashed with it. All of him. I was a fool to think I could keep him out of it. He remained my servant because I thought it was relatively safe for him that way; close to the most significant events but not directly influenced by them. I could not have been more wrong. His official status in no way altered who he really was, and thus didn't remove him from danger. Morgana knew us well and targeted us exactly where we needed to be. She would tease us, intimidate us, provoke us, but in reality she was banking on one punch, a precisely aimed blow to push us over the precipice, but despite her sick genius, she was unable to do so. Someone was always standing in her way, finding in herself the incomprehensible strength to fight her greatest enemies, against doubt and despair, to stop in time the madness she was fostering.
„I'm sorry", I said quietly. „Calm down. Stand up".
I stretched out my hands to him, but he rose without help. There was something bad, hellishly bad about it, an unnatural, desperate strength. He stared at me, still with the same terror. I wanted him to stop, to suffer no more. I took hold of his wrists and, with the calm confidence of a man in complete control, which I had learned with great difficulty over the years, I said:
„I'm not going to let you go, until I find out what's happening with you. You kept giving me the impression that it's not my business and I tried not to push it, I just waited for you to wise up, but it got to the point. You've been cheeky enough to call yourself my friend and prove that you actually are, when I've shouted in your face that I don't want that, so be aware of the consequences. It works both ways, Merlin".
He gasped violently. He couldn't calm his breathing and I began to fear that he was about to really faint. After a long moment, however, he spoke up, in a choked voice:
„It's hard to recognise anything anymore. Who is using magic, who is under the influence of magic, what is Morgana's manipulation, what is a deadly trap. It's hard to figure out who suspects whom of what, who is a traitor, and if they are traitors of their own free will. Even one's own actions can't be certain".
The wind outside the window wailed furiously. It was a grotesquely perfect background for his words, as if some gods with a warped sense of humour were amusing themselves at our expense.
„I have noticed that for some time now the knights have been watching me. I bump into them everywhere, Percival practically follows me. Yesterday someone took my bag. I remembered where I had left it. I must have searched the whole castle to finally find it where it was before. And when I was cleaning here... - he stopped and took a shuddering breath - I came across a parchment with a list, written by your hand, of people who had done something terrible. My name was there too. At the very beginning".
I felt hot. The pieces of the macabre puzzle fell into place with a deafening clatter. Indeed, I made a mental note of all the instances where Merlin had directly warned me, or acted as if he sensed something. Gwen and I analysed this. Completely without thinking, I put the note down on the table, where it disappeared into the piles of documents. Merlin, of course, had free access to them, and I didn't feel the slightest need to worry about what he had access to.
„You sent Gaius and Gwen on a journey", he continued. „I became more and more anxious, but I relied on you completely. I hoped that whatever it was... would clear up somehow. But when you insisted I stay, when I saw the jug of wine I hadn't brought myself, I was devastated. I was afraid that I had done something... unconsciously. I thought you had to, that you had no other choice".
He suppressed a sob. I let go of his arms, took a step forward and put my arms around him. If he hadn't been trembling, it would have been no different from embracing a stone statue. He tried very hard not to lean against me, not to let me hold him. Idiot. It was because of him that I realised that accepting the support of a friend in a moment of weakness had nothing to do with an insult to your honour, but was the most sensible thing you could do. But Merlin, of course, was a bloody physician, dying of a disease he had successfully treated in others. His fierce stubbornness, salutary in critical situations, and alternately irritating and amusing in everyday life, had acquired a decidedly bad, debilitating character over the years. It had to be broken, chipped away at, broken through those cursed walls growing at an alarming rate, ripped out a few bricks and tried to get Merlin to at least show himself in the breach. Gone are the days when you could get him out of there with a well-aimed, not infrequently seemingly harsh word and a meaningful look. Gone are the days when I could do that. I felt completely helpless, but the sharp, clear, like a well-polished blade, thought that I was losing him, albeit in a very different way than I had always feared, forced me to take immediate action.
„We will not succumb to this terror, Merlin", I said with a conviction that surprised myself. „We are stronger than Morgana. Together. She wants us to feel insecure with each other, to stop believing in the good in us. She tries to convince us that everything we have built will sooner or later collapse, that there are no foundations, even though we laid them with our own hands".
Something in Merlin's attitude had changed. He breathed more freely, and no longer seemed to be trying to push me away by sheer force of will. I knew he was listening, so I continued.
„She wants to prove to us that no one is trustworthy, that anyone can betray as she has, but all she has achieved is to point me to the most dedicated, loyal people I believe in with all my heart, for without them I wouldn't be here and Camelot would have fallen long ago. The cruel trials she keeps subjecting us to reveal... the true diamonds. My crown would be nothing without them. And I will fight for them, like a kingdom, if I must. I am not a fool. Not any more. I am aware of what we face and what it can do to us. I understand how you felt, I understand why, and I will not let you lose yourself in this madness, my friend. I promise".
Merlin rested his head on my shoulder. The strange strength was leaving him, he was calming down visibly. A wave of unspeakable relief flooded me. I couldn't shake the feeling that I had mastered something powerful, as if I had at least stopped the storm raging outside the window. I strengthened my grip a little, forgetting about that injury of unknown origin in the chest area, but he didn'thing to indicate that it caused him pain. I felt something inside him slowly crack, like ice on a frozen river, under the influence of the first spring rays of the sun. I knew it wouldn't happen right away, but soon, that I was closer to deciphering him than ever before.
I don't know how long we stood like that, sharing this unique closeness of people who had travelled the road to hell and back together many times. The storm had lost its original momentum. Only the sound of rain was reaching us.
„But it was... It was something, wasn't it"? Merlin finally spoke up, stepping back carefully. He was still deathly pale. I wondered if he would manage to stay on his feet. He leaned against the table. „This list... My bag…"
„Do you know what happened to your bag? Lady Eleanor's dog gnawed a hole in it. The little shaggy one she carries everywhere with her. Eleanor felt guilty and insisted on fixing it, even though Gwen and I told her not to worry because you'd get a new one".
„What"? He looked so surprised that I felt like laughing.
„What you heard. All you had to do was ask if anyone had seen it, not run around the castle like an idiot".
Merlin sighed heavily, lowered his gaze.
„You're right", he whispered. „I'm sorry. I really didn't know what to think anymore. After you were poisoned... Didn't you hear Gwen say that I could easily do practically anything. I know she was influenced by Morgana, but it stuck in my head and... It's hard to explain".
„It doesn't matter. Don't think about it again. It can't be ruled out that you were under the influence of a spell meant to drive you mad".
Merlin looked at me in astonishment. I found another cup, poured the wine and handed it to him.
„People think we're drinking, so let there be at least some truth in that", I said. He raised one eyebrow, in a perfect imitation of Gaius.
„People think that in the absence of the Queen you get drunk with your servant? Isn't that an image disaster"?
„Hiring you was already an image disaster. It won't get any worse", I replied.
We sat down on the bed. We were silent for a while, drinking wine. We both needed a moment to cool down before raising another issue.
„Regarding the list…" I took up. „Contrary to your belief, I'm neither blind nor stupid. Nor is Gwen. I forbid you from tracking down sorcerers, traitors and other dangerous people on your own".
„I suspect it's saved your royal ass a few times", he muttered with resignation.
„So you don't deny it"?
He shook his head. I applauded myself in spirit.
„Is it true that Morgana drew you into a trap and tried to kill you when she realised you knew about Gwen and were trying to prevent it"?
He straightened abruptly and squirmed in pain.
„Have you spied on a witch recently? Have you been injured in the process"?
He didn't have to answer. His expression told me everything.
„I don't know what you got into that your empty head, but you won't be doing it again. And that isn't something I intend to discuss".
„I'm not going to either", he replied with some hardness in his voice. „The fact that I will protect you with my life is not up for discussion at all".
I fixed my gaze on him, the most commanding one I could manage. He didn't look away, didn't even blink.
„Merlin, I'm not joking. This is an order. It's getting more dangerous than ever before. I want you, even when you going for ingredients for Gaius, to take someone with you who can wield a sword. No wandering around alone. If you think something is suspicious, you inform me immediately".
„And you believe me and investigate thoroughly? As in the case of Agravaine"? he said it without reproach, without gruffness, more with sadness. I would rather he had stabbed me with something sharp.
„As in the case of Gwen", I replied. He sipped his wine and looked at me with slightly squinted eyes.
„Maybe you are not such an ass anymore", he said. At that moment someone's singing came from outside the window. Someone had evidently left the tavern and was in a state where the downpour didn't bother him.
„Hey, hey, let's wake the dragon"! he wailed. I was willing to bet it was Gwaine. „Hey, let's take him to the tavern! Let him drink a barrel of honey! Then he'll stand on fire"!
Unexpectedly Merlin began to laugh, in a violent, uncontrollable manner. He didn't pour wine on himself just because his cup was empty. It had been a long time since I had seen him laugh so much. He leaned back, pressed his hand to his chest, tears flowed from his eyes - perhaps the ones that should have flowed earlier. I poked him with my elbow.
„Hey! What's so funny about that"! I called out.
„CCan you imagine a drunken dragon"? he cried out when he managed to control himself a little.
„You're laughing as you have heard it for the first time", I said. He raised his eyebrows slightly.
„Because I heard it for the first time".
„You spend half your life in a tavern and you heard it for the first time"?
His eyes widened in horror. I patted him on the shoulder and poured us some wine.
„Gwaine had knocked himself on the head the other day when I asked if he had seen you at the tavern. You can't even think of a good lie. You should have done better since you tried to fool your king".
He grimaced, and I figured that wasn't all the pieces of the puzzle yet. Merlin was still a riddle. More complicated the more I learned about him.
„Believe me, I would rather not deceive you", he replied quietly.
„I never doubted your loyalty, Merlin".
He smiled, a genuine, sincere smile, encompassing his eyes. I realised how long it had been since I had seen it. We drank another round, after which Merlin forgot that sharing a bed with me ranked among the greatest horrors of this world, and when I lay down, he brazenly stretched out beside me. We talked for a long time, exchanging increasingly strange observations on various subjects. At one point I told him about the ball of light that led me out of the cave when I was looking for the antidote to the poison for him. For some reason, this story moved him greatly. He thought deeply, finally propped himself up on his elbow and looked at me with that special, absurdly serious expression of his.
„How did you know it was good, that you could trust it"? He asked.
„Well... I didn't. It could have been another trap, but I felt it wasn't. You would understand if you saw", I replied.
„You looked with your heart", he said. In response I whacked him on the head. He moved to the edge of the bed, almost fell off. I started to tease him that he was so drunk that he couldn't even stand up horizontally, but exhaustion finally got the better of him and he closed his eyes before he could come up with a retort. After a while he muttered something about getting back to his chambers and the wood that would have to be brought. Fearing that he might try to carry it out, I put my hand on his shoulder. The rain drummed against the windowpanes, the last of the candles on the table burned out, and the thought crossed my mind that Merlin was willing to accept death at my hand if I so desired. The feeling that there was something special about him had never been so strong; it boiled inside me, pinched me, demanded something. I fell into a dream in which Guinevere and I were running after a ball of blue light, trying to grasp it. She was close, almost within reach of my hands, but as is usually the case in dreams, my feet sank into the ground.
„You got it"! shouted Gwen joyfully. „One more step"!