Chapter 11: (Death / suicide triggers)
Knowing he was going to have this conversation at some point, Kakashi sat across from the young man in front of the fire. Naruto deserved his honesty. Drawing in a deep breath Kakashi replied. "It's going to be kind of a long story and a painful one for me to tell. Do you think you can let me talk all the way through and save any questions you have until the end?" Naruto nodded his ascent and lowered his gaze to the fire. Quickly busying his hands with the preparation of breakfast, Kakashi tried to decide where to start, he supposed the beginning would be best. Avoiding eye contact with Naruto would be paramount to him getting through this.
"I was five years old when I became a Chunin ranked Shinobi and nine years old when I was placed with a team. My team consisted of myself, a boy named Obito, a girl named Rin and our squad leader, Minato. We took on many D-rank missions together at the beginning, growing closer, learning how to work together based on our different skills. Minato took me under his wing, a true hero of the village who would later become the Fourth Hokage. Obito became my dearest friend, him and I were polar opposites of each other, he was my rival but also my closest ally. Rin was a pure, kind hearted soul, willing to put herself in harm's way to protect her friends. My team was my only family, my father having died just before I became a Chunin and my mother dying a few years before that…" Kakashi paused for a moment, his chest already aching. He quickly served up the breakfast he had prepared while talking, handing Naruto over a plate without looking at him. Sucking in a deep breath he continued. "Our team was sent out on a dangerous mission when I was about ten years old. Minato was needed somewhere else at the time so he made me the team leader in his absence since I had graduated to a Jonin ranked Shinobi. I was a horrible leader, convinced I could do everything by myself. My teammate Rin ended up being captured by enemy ninjas. Obito was dead set on finding her and bringing her back safe, my only thought was of the completion of our mission. Obito deserted me to go find Rin by himself, while I proceeded to complete our intended mission. I ended up having a change of heart, realizing my error in not valuing my teammates, my family. I was able to track him down pretty quickly and found him standing outside the entrance of a cave. Rin was being held within, we came up with a plan and managed to free her from her assailants, but the cave started to collapse around us, driving large stones down on top of us. I was supposed to die that day, Obito pushed me out of the direct path of a large falling boulder. He ended up being pinned, slowly being crushed to death below it. He saved me, he saved Rin, his dying wish was for Rin to remove his exposed Sharingan eye and replace my eye that was damaged in a fight earlier that day." Kakashi pushed up his forehead protector and pulled his cloth face mask part way down to show Naruto the brunt of his scar and his borrowed red eye. He hastily put both back in place, feeling overly exposed. Pakkun and the rest of the pack arrived back from their hunt at that time. Depositing a half dozen rabbits and a few fish at his feet. He nodded at the dogs, pulled himself up from the fire to grab his cooking pot to fill with fresh water and a sharp knife from his pack. He sat himself back down, busying his hands yet again, cleaning the meat. "Obito died that day, Rin and I barely escaped but I had made a promise to Obito that I would protect her with my life." Trying to calm his shaking hands, Kakashi sucked in a few long breaths. "A few years after that, Rin died. She had been captured and had a tailed beast sealed within her before I was able to reach her and help her escape. The enemy Shinobi's plan was to have Rin re-enter Konoha and then send the tailed beast into a rampage. Rin didn't want to return to the village, terrified of the damage she would unwillingly cause. She begged me to kill her repeatedly but I couldn't….. I couldn't kill her. We were pinned by some pursuing Shinobi on our way back to Konoha. We got into a bloody battle with them, I was filled with rage and hatred. They had hurt Rin and were planning on hurting my village. Mid way through battle, Rin threw herself in front of one of my attacks meant for the enemy…."
A tear ran down Kakashi's cheek at the memory flooding his mind, with a shaky voice he continued, "She had killed herself to protect the village, having her die at my hand activated my borrowed Sharingan eye, turning it into a Mangekyo Sharingan. The evolution of my eye drained the majority of the chakra I had left and I passed out. I woke up later surrounded by dozens of bodies and Leaf Shinobi. Rin was dead and I had lost another family member." Kakashi could feel his throat tightening up, he leaned down to collect a water canteen. Bringing it to his lips, he drank slowly, trying to figure out how to continue.
Returning to the task of gutting and cleaning the kills, Kakashi continued. "Our team was completely disbanded, two members had died and Minato was slated to become the next Hokage. I joined the ANBU shortly after that, Minato thought it would be good for me to be part of a group again. I ended up falling down a pretty dark path, I became known as Kakashi the Friend Killer, Cold-Blooded Kakashi. I became nothing more than a well honed murdering tool at the villages disposal. When I was fourteen years old Minato ended up pulling me from missions with the ANBU and stationed me within the village. I think he was trying to protect me from the monster I was becoming. I was eventually put on protective duty to guard his wife, Kushina who was pregnant. For nine months I followed her everywhere, keeping her safe. I stayed outside their home, constantly on watch. I watched as my sensei and his beautiful wife spent their time together, watching as her stomach continued to grow a life within."
Finished with the task of cleaning the kills, Kakashi stood and dropped the meat into the cold lake, rinsing it carefully. He rinsed out the cook pot and cleaned the blood off his hands. Tears falling faster from his eyes. How many times had he tried to rinse Rin's invisible blood off his hands, her chakra was forever embedded in his skin, visible with his Sharingan eye. Collecting the meat back in the pot he moved back to the fire and proceeded to cook the meat to preserve it. "I was removed from protective duty when Kushina was due to deliver their child. The task was left to the highest rank Shinobi. Kushina was, after all, the jinchuuriki of the nine tails and had to be heavily guarded when in labor to prevent the escape of the beast."
He heard Naruto suck in a deep breath beside him, he closed his eyes, dead set on finishing his story, he couldn't look at Naruto or he would plummet into darkness. "An enemy Shinobi somehow found out about the Leaf villages jinchuuriki being pregnant and giving birth, he attacked her shortly after the birth of the child. The nine-tails was extracted from Kushina and controlled to attack the village. All the lower level Jounins, including myself, were directed not to engage in the battle with the nine-tails for fear that our ranks would be wiped out and spell disaster for the future of the village when there would be no capable Shinobi left to protect it. There were heavy casualties among the ANBU and higher Jounin ranks, along with the deaths of many civilians. The battle ended with Minato and Kushina fighting the nine-tails. Minato sealed half of the nine-tails within himself and the other half into his newborn son. Into you, Naruto."
He could hear the strangled breaths coming from the young man beside him, struggling to not clutch Naruto and console him. He closed his exposed eye and pressed his shaking hands against his ears to muffle any sound, he had to make it to the end. Had to see it through. "Minato and Kushina died protecting the village, protecting you, and I lost the last member of my family. I had no one left. Everyone I had loved had died, that was until I finally met you for the first time after the tragedy. You were a little bundle of sunshine, always giggling and smiling. I started to watch over you again like I had before you were born. You got a little older and I would come to visit you. You were a small beacon of light in my dark lonely world. As you got older you started to look more and more like Minato. Your bright blonde hair and blue eyes. Each day it got harder and harder to look at you, seeing you triggered in me self loathing at my inability to protect anyone. Everyone I had ever loved or tried to protect died because of me or because of something I could have done differently. I saw myself as some kind of curse, tainting the people around me. I couldn't lose you too…. I couldn't bear it. You were so young and innocent. You were my only family, the only person I had left. I told myself I had to leave you. Had to get myself far away from you before I found a way to get you killed." His body had gone entirely stiff, the throbbing ache building tighter in his chest… "I left you and I am so fucking sorry I did. I realize now that I was just a fucking coward, a coward who ran away. I should have stayed for you, protected you. All I ended up doing was failing you in a different way. I didn't know how hard you had it growing up until I ran into you those couple years back. And even then I still ran away. I am so sorry, Naruto. I understand if you can't forgive me and I don't expect you to. Just know that I will never leave you again, you can hate me with every cell in your body but I will never leave you. I will protect you… I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, Naruto." Finally reaching the end of his story his body shut down, he ended up curled into himself, head resting in his lap sobbing silently. A few deep breaths later and Kakashi continued, "I'm…I'm sorry…just….give me a minute…Okay? I will collect myself and answer any questions you have, I just need a minute..." He pushed himself to his feet and made his way down to the lake, collecting the cold water into his hands and splashing it over his face. Collecting more water into his hands he drank hastily. He had done it, everything was out in the open. He managed to get through the tale, his only hope now was that Naruto would talk to him and hopefully not despise him.
Kakashi turned back to face the direction of the fire but the young man was gone. Fear shot through him, like lightning, but Pakkun grabbed his attention, nodding his head in the direction of the cave. Naruto had apparently retreated inside. Kakashi made his way to the entrance, peering inside. "Naruto, are you okay?" the beat of a few passing seconds, "Please answer me… are you okay?". He could see the silhouette of the young man laid out on the bed roll with his back toward him. "I… I just need some time too." Naruto finally replied. Of course he needed time, Kakashi had just dropped a giant bombshell on him. "Of course, take all the time you need. I will be just outside here. You can call for me and I will be by your side in an instant. But please, promise me you won't hurt yourself…..please?" a faint, "I promise" was the only response he got. Kakashi dug his hands into his pockets and made his way back to the campfire to finish cooking up the last of the meat. He felt awful but also lighter than he had in a very long time.