Chapter 14: (brief mention of suicide)
Naruto was standing awkwardly at the back of the cave near his bed roll. Kakashi made his way to him, still leaving a sizable space between them and waited for him to speak. "You meant what you said about never hurting me, right?" Naruto's eyes were glued to the floor, fists clenched at his sides. "I meant it with my whole heart and I swear it on the graves of all of my loved ones." Naruto shifted his weight from foot to foot, "I want you to help me with something. I need to overcome the fear I have of you being near me. I want you to… I want you to touch me, Kakashi." Naruto finally met Kakashi's eye and continued, "I want you to stand close to me and put your hands on my shoulders and leave them there. Then move them somewhere else on my body. I want to do this over and over again until I get used to your touch." In a soft voice Kakashi asked, "Are you sure that's what you want, Naruto? I promise I won't hurt you but I don't want to scare you either." "It's what I want, I need to feel the touch of someone who isn't aiming to harm me." the young man whispered back. Kakashi's chest ached with guilt, but he slowly nodded and moved his way closer to the blonde. Naruto's body language as he approached was that of a scared feline, twitching and about to bolt for escape; his teeth slightly barred as he grit them against his urge to flee. Kakashi softly placed both his hands on either side of his shoulders, feeling him tense beneath him. He watched Naruto's face carefully as he removed his hands and placed them on his upper arms. Kakashi could feel the muscles in the young man's arms unconsciously constricting, he counted to twenty and moved his hands yet again. He took both of his wrists in his hands and brought them up between them. Naruto sucked in a hissed breath, his eyes were closed but he gave Kakashi a small nod to tell him he was okay. Releasing the wrists, Kakashi moved his hands to either side of his hips. Kakashi was still watching Naruto's face carefully, he could feel his body trembling under his fingers. He removed his hands yet again and placed them both on the young man's chest. Kakashi watched as Naruto sucked his bottom lip into his mouth and bit down on it harshly. Kakashi removed his hands and took a couple steps back from the blonde. Naruto finally opened his eyes and looked up at Kakashi, "Why did you stop?" "Because I didn't want you to hurt yourself." Naruto regarded him with confusion, Kakashi partially pulled down his mask and mimicked biting his own lip, quickly pulling the mask back up to cover his face. Naruto was once again taken aback by Kakashi willingness to show him more of his face, if only for a brief second. "I see… I didn't realize I was doing that. Can we try again…please?" Kakashi thought the young man had pushed himself far enough for today but relented when he caught the look of determination in his eyes. Kakashi nodded and made his way back close to him, repeating the same path he had the first time, hoping that the repetitive nature of his movements would be somewhat familiar and less likely to startle him. Finally placing both his hands on the blonde's chest again, he regarded him carefully. Naruto's eyes had remained closed the whole time, just like the time before. Kakashi left his hands on the young man's chest, waiting for him to move or talk or open his eyes. Naruto slowly opened his eyes, blinking loose a few tears. Kakashi raised one of his hands to wipe the tears from the blondes cheek, Naruto flinched back from the hand as it was brought close to his face. Kakashi hesitated but continued, wiping the tears away, then pulling his hand back, placing it once again on the young man's chest. The action seemed to hit Naruto particularly hard as he trembled even harder under Kakashi's hands, his eyes squinting back more unshed tears, bottom lip quivering as he fought the urge to bite into it. Removing his hands from the young man's chest, he quickly placed them back on his upper arms. Kakashi waited a few seconds more before pulling the young man in closer to him and encasing him in a soft hug, resting his chin on the blonde's shoulder. Naruto had gone stone stiff with the embrace but Kakashi refused to give up. He slowly started rubbing Naruto's back reassuringly, tightening his hug. He could feel the young man's tense body start to slowly relax, the shaking had returned but it wasn't as bad. Kakashi started murmuring soft reassuring words to him, telling him everything was going to be okay, that he was safe, that he would never hurt him. Kakashi could feel the shoulder of his t-shirt being soaked through with the tears being spilt by the blonde. He was about to pull away from Naruto when he felt arms carefully making their way around his waist. He hugged the young man tighter and held him for a few moments longer before patting his back one last time and taking a step back.
Naruto looked a mess, his eyes were blood shot to hell, skin blanched an unhealthy shade of white and he had bitten through his lip while Kakashi wasn't looking at him. But there was something else, there was a small smile curling his lips. Kakashi gave him a small smile back, "You did really well, Naruto, although you will have to let me check your lip later." Naruto's smile faltered, "I'm sorry… Thank you for helping me. I want to keep doing that until it gets easier, okay?" Kakashi smiled back at the young man, "You don't need to apologize, Naruto. I understand this is incredibly difficult for you and we can do this as many times as you want. Come, let's go see the dogs. I'll make us some breakfast."
The rest of the morning passed fairly quickly, they had a decent breakfast then went for a short walk around the lake to collect more tinder and edibles. The ninken followed them happily along, jumping and barking, vying for Naruto's attention. Kakashi watched as the young man played with the dogs, tossing them out sticks to fetch and petting them every opportunity he could get. Naruto was smiling and laughing, something Kakashi was sure the lonely blonde hadn't done in a very long time. Leisurely, they made their way back to camp.
Kakashi pulled out his medkit and regarded Naruto with a raised eyebrow. A look of determination returned to Naruto's face as he nodded and sat down next to the fire, removing his jacket. Kakashi sat next to the young man and carefully cleaned and redressed the wound on his wrist. "Is it okay if I look at your lip too?" Naruto's eyes widened with a touch of fear, but he closed his eyes and nodded. Kakashi carefully brought his hand up to the blonde's mouth, pulling at the edge of his lip to expose its inner flesh. The inner portion of his lip looked unmarred, apparently Naruto had only managed to bite through the outer skin of his lip, not puncturing all the way through. Kakashi swiped at the small laceration with some disinfectant and rubbed a small amount of ointment on it. "There, all done. Your lip isn't in that bad of shape and should heal just fine without a bandage." Naruto slowly opened his eyes, timidly regarding Kakashi. "I am going to quickly write out a progress report to the Sandaime before he sends ANBU after us. I will tell him that I am still pursuing you and that you have so far managed to elude me in Sand Country." Kakashi pulled out a scroll and quickly wrote out some text, offering it to Naruto to read. Naruto glanced at it but shook his head, "I trust you." Kakashi insisted the young man read it, if only for his own sake, so Naruto obliged, handing the scroll back when he was done. Kakashi quickly sealed the scroll and summoned a hawk, tying the scroll to its leg. The bird quickly took off high into the sky and started trailing east, back in the direction of Konoha.
"Where were you planning to go next, Naruto? Where do you want to go?" Naruto was thoughtful for a moment, replying, "Honestly, I wasn't sure where I was heading, I just knew I had to put distance between myself and Fire Country, the route I was heading seemed like the safest… I was hoping to eventually reach the ocean. I have never been to the ocean." "Then that's where we will go. I think by tomorrow or the next day you should be well enough to travel and we can start heading in that direction." Naruto's face lit up, blue eyes shining with delight. "We should make use of the lake we have here, it may be some time before we have a nice body of water to bathe and clean our gear in. Why don't you go wash up. I'll gather our clothes and give them a quick clean. Be mindful of your bandage though, try not to get it wet." Nodding, Naruto dug through his rucksack to find his bar of soap, quickly stripped himself of his clothes down to his boxers and headed for the lake.
Kakashi collected all of their soiled clothing, also stripping himself down to his boxers, he hesitated but also removed his face mask and forehead protector. Kakashi walked to a spot a little further down the lake's edge, finding a location that was a little deeper but had decent sized rocks he could set the clothes on while washing them. He watched Naruto carefully as he scrubbed the clothing clean. The young man was standing in a section of the lake that was about waist deep, carefully soaping his body, heeding Kakashi's warning about his bandage. Kakashi noticed the young man's skin had taken on its more natural healthy honey glow, his eyes lingered over Naruto's broad shoulders, the well defined muscles of his chest and arms, and over the taut abs that met the waters edge. Naruto was no longer the small boy he remembered. He had grown into a solid young man. Naruto's hair was still just as blonde as he remembered, very much like Minato's, but longer now, more shaggy. Gone from his beautiful blue eyes was the coldness Kakashi remembered from the last time he saw him, three years ago. A small shimmer of happiness was now making those beautiful blue eyes sparkle like sapphires in the sun. Shaking himself, Kakashi went back to the task of finishing up the washing. Once all the clothes had been thoroughly scrubbed clean, he made his way back to camp, hanging all the items up to dry. Since he was already undressed, Kakashi decided to join Naruto and give himself a quick scrub too. He made his way to where the blonde was still leisurely soaking in the lake. "Hey, can I borrow your soap?" Naruto turned to hand Kakashi the bar but dropped it in the water when his eyes met his face, jaw falling open. "What? What happened? Are you okay?" Kakashi asked while trying to collect the soap. "Your… your face…" Naruto stammered, eyes wide and staring at Kakashi. "Oh… umm.." Kakashi scratched at the back of his head nervously, feeling awkward under the scrutiny of Naruto's eyes. "...yeah, the mask needed cleaning too. I guess I sort of forgot I wasn't wearing it. Sorry for scaring you." Naruto's eyes were still wide but he shook his head, "You didn't scare me, I was just really surprised, you don't show your face to anyone right? You… you're beautiful… why do you hide your face behind that mask?" Kakashi could feel his cheeks flush, he had never been called beautiful before, he snorted a little at the compliment. "You're right, I don't show my face to anyone, there are very few people who have seen me without it in fact. I have worn a mask to hide my face since I was a little kid. My father was a very well known Shinobi whom I very much resembled. The mask was to hide my features from people who may be his enemies, although my hair is kind of a dead giveaway too. It has been this shade of gray since I was born, exactly like my fathers. Once my father died…" Kakashi hesitated for a breath and continued, " … after he died I continued wearing the mask. It's like a security blanket. Something I could hide behind. It keeps people at a distance and gives me a sense of animity." Naruto nodded and asked, "How did your father die?" Kakashi flinched at the question, lips drawn into a tight line. Kakashi's eye flickers between Naruto's eyes and his bandage wrapped arm that he was carefully placing against his stomach, safely up out of the water. "He… he killed himself… I came home from training late one evening and found him dead on the living room floor of our home…" Kakashi closed his eye, the vivid memory of that evening playing through his head. The memory quickly shifted to that of a few days before, finding Naruto laying on the ground in his own pool of blood. Kakashi shuddered, quickly shaking his head to regain some composure. He met Naruto's eyes, they were moist with unshed tears, a slight tremble on his lip. "I'm so sorry Kakashi." "It's okay, it was a long time ago…" Kakashi started soaping himself, trying to distract his mind from the painful memories. "No… I mean… I am sorry for the loss of your father, what an awful thing to go through at such a young age... But I am also sorry that you had to find me in a similar state. That must have been terrible. I'm so sorry." Naruto hung his head, tears falling freely into the lake water. He moved to hide his bandaged arm behind his back, out of Kakashi's sight. "Don't." Kakashi hissed a little too sharply, putting a hand on the young man's shoulder. Naruto stopped his movement and looked back up into Kakashi's face, "Please don't hide things from me… ever." Kakashi whispered softly. Naruto brought his arm back in front of himself and nodded. "I won't". Kakashi released his shoulder and finished washing himself down, dunking quickly under the water to rinse off. "Alright, let's get dressed and work on making some dinner for us and the hounds."
Dressed in clean clothing, they reconvened at the firepit. Kakashi made quick work of starting a fire and preparing a meal for the dogs while Naruto chopped up some veggies for their own dinner. Kakashi watched the young man carefully with the knife, he doubted he would do anything to himself with it at the moment but seeing him with a knife in his hand made Kakashi's blood run cold.
A short while later they were eating their dinner in comfortable silence, the sun setting slowly over the horizon. Kakashi pulled out a map he had brought along with him, looking it over silently. He was trying to decide on the best route to take to get to the ocean. He was fairly familiar with this area, ANBU missions bringing him out this way on more than one occasion. He remembered their being a small village just across the border into the Land of Vegetables. He decided stopping there to collect more food and a tent would probably be the best course of action, the closer they got to the ocean the more unpredictable the weather would be. Relaying his plan to Naruto, they agree to head out at daybreak tomorrow morning. Tidying up camp they retreated back into the cave to get an early night's rest.