It's a long time before I can force myself to move. I stand, the world spinning around me, leaning against the table behind me, my breathing erratic. My heart aches, dulling the fear that I should be feeling. It hurts more than seeing Drew with someone else. It hurts so fucking bad.
Ash, who I was bonding with so quickly, who I'd started to trust, who must have known. Who must know what I am. He was tricking me, gaining my trust, luring me to my own death.
As I think it again I bend over, barely stopping myself from retching on the floorboards.
I scramble forwards, grabbing the diary and stuffing it in my backpack, then push the floorboard back into place under the bed. I need to get out of here, but my heart is cleaving open in my chest in a way it never has before. I collapse against the door, the heavy breathing giving way to loud, racking sobs. I give myself ten minutes to cry loudly, then dry my eyes with the sleeve of my sweatshirt and head back down the stairs, wondering what to do.
Ash doesn't know that I know, I think. I have the advantage, but what do I do? I can't tell anyone. Nobody will believe me. I could confront Ash myself, but would I be able to overpower him? Would I be able to harm him in the end, if it came to it? We hadn't known each other that long, but in the short time we'd grown close. We'd texted almost every night for weeks. We laughed together. I'd…
I shake the thoughts away. It was no good. None of it had been real. Not to him, anyway. Suddenly, the look in Ash's eyes when we'd talked about the freezer incident makes sense. Maybe he'd been trying to figure out if I was the one, and that was the moment it truly clicked for him.
Hot, searing rage bubbles up suddenly, replacing all the fond feelings. Well, two could play this game. I'd let him believe he was fooling me, let him get close to me, and then I'd strike before him.
My world is still unravelling around me. I walk over the school field towards the park. I don't really know where I'm walking until I reach the skate park, and see Misty with a group of older boys. She waves over to me when she spots me and hops on her skateboard, riding right over to me.
"Hey," she says, coming to a stop beside me, concerned. "What's going on?"
I sigh and sit on the wall beside us. I wonder just how fucked up my face looks from the crying. Misty kicks her skateboard up, catches it, then takes her place beside me. I think Misty might be the perfect person to speak to right now. She never pushes for more than I'm willing to give like Dawn sometimes does.
"Hypothetically, if you knew someone was going to kill you, assassinate you or something, but they didn't know you knew, what would you do? Confront them?"
Misty twists her face. "Are you writing a fantasy novel or something?" When I shrug, she seems to think for a moment. "I'd just kill them first."
"Even if they're your friend?" I ask. She turns and gives me an intense look.
"If they're going to kill you, they're not your friend."
Her words hurt more than she'll ever know.
The next school week passes in a blur. Dawn takes me to and from school, and once I'm home I stay in the safety of my room, only venturing out the house when it's necessary. I ignore everyone's offers to hang out. I ignore the texts Ash is still firing me every night, even when I barely speak to him during the day. I sit, feeling sorry for myself, trying to lose myself in TV or books but failing. Ash's betrayal stings, closing my throat whenever I think of it. I want to think that I can win here, that I can trick him instead, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. In the end, this betrayal just makes me feel weaker than I ever have.
If he knows what I am, if he's really a witch hunter, why save my life twice? Surely those were the perfect times to leave me to die. Wouldn't the killer be his ally? The whole thing hurts my brain. It was what I was thinking about again as I hopped down the school steps on Friday afternoon, relieved the week was over. A whole weekend in the house sounded boring, but what else could I do? As I think it, Serena comes bounding towards me, Misty close behind her. I think it's just them, but then I spot Ash behind them, looking right at me, and my blood heats up. I wonder what he's thinking as we make eye contact. Is he planning how he's going to end my life?
"May!" Serena shouts, as bubbly as ever. "We're all staying at Dawn's tonight, you coming?"
I open my mouth to protest, even though I hate this sinking feeling I get when I think of all my friends hanging out without me. Before I can, Dawn appears beside me, throwing her arm around my shoulder. "Too late. You're kidnapped."
"I don't know-"
"You've been so distant this week," Dawn says quietly so that only I'll hear, cutting me off. "Is this about Drew? Don't shut us out, May. It'll be good for you."
At least they think it's about Drew so it doesn't look suspicious, though I hate knowing people think I'm wallowing in misery because of him. He isn't worth that kind of energy, even I know that. Sighing, I say "fine." Serena whoops as she pulls open the passenger side door of Dawn's car and gets in, stealing my spot, leaving me to the back seat with Ash.
I swallow hard as I get in, hoping he can't feel the tension from me, or my nervousness. We've hardly spoken all week. He's tried texting me, but I mostly ignored him, until the conversation died. Every time his name showed on my phone it sent a conflicting whirl of emotions through me that I couldn't even begin to sort through. Despite it all, I still felt a little guilty for being so cold. How ridiculous is that?
I smile after closing the door behind me, but he just turns away, not returning it. I wonder if he has the audacity to be annoyed at me. I wonder if it's just because he knows what I am now, and it repulses him. I cross my arms and turn to stare out the window until we pull up at my house, and we both hop out. I grab some things I'll need for the night, tell mom where I'm going, then head back out to see Ash is already done and waiting. Serena must have already brought her things. Maybe it was her idea, and she knew Dawn would say yes.
When we arrive at Dawn's, she disappears to change into pyjamas already, and I let in Gary and Misty. It starts to pour with rain outside, the wind whipping around violently, making the rain heavy on the windows, so we huddle under blankets on Dawn's sofas and watch a movie. I make sure I'm not sitting beside Ash, and remind myself not to let myself be alone with him. He's been here a while now. Surely he'll make his move soon.
Halfway through, Serena excuses herself to go to the bathroom. I'm half asleep in the already dimming light, and don't notice when Ash slides across to sit beside me instead. My whole body seizes up as his shoulder brushes mine and I fight the urge to jolt away. Why? Serena comes back and doesn't even seem phased, just takes the spot that Ash had been in a minute ago. We're so close, there's not even an inch between our legs, and without even touching him, my body is on fire. In an attempt not to look suspicious, I give him a little smile, but he doesn't smile back, again.
I try to ignore him and watch the movie, but his knee keeps brushing against mine, and it's distracting as hell, even if I fight back against the heat. It makes me sick that I'm still feeling the urge to reach out and touch him even when I know what he is.
The movie ends, and Dawn yawns, stretching her arms. Gary and Misty are bickering quietly on the other sofa. Serena is trying to show Ash a video of a cat on her phone, but all I can do is watch Dawn, and I notice the twinkle of mischief she gets in her eyes when she gets an idea that's not altogether sane. She turns and grins at me, confirming my suspicions. Dawn starts to gesture for us to get on the floor, that mischievous smirk making my stomach sink with dread.
Everyone slides off the sofas and sits in a circle on the floor instead. The minute Ash's knee is away from mine, I miss it, and I silently curse myself for being so stupid. His friendship isn't even real, I remind myself, so why wish for anything more? We wait for Dawn to pull out board games or something, but instead she produces an empty glass wine bottle and sets it in the middle of us.
"Seven minutes in heaven," she says, and I groan loudly, not bothering to hide my displeasure. This is exactly the sort of thing Dawn would do a while back, but she'd stopped once Drew and I had got together. Now that we were all single again, I supposed she was back at it. She was all for kissing everyone and everyone. Not that it was a bad thing. I usually didn't care, but now…
"I'm not kissing that troglodyte," Misty says, giving Gary a pointed glare. He purses his lips and makes kissing noises at her, which earns him a slap on the arm.
"You don't have to kiss. You just have to go in there," she gestures to the cupboard under her stairs, which is just wide enough for two people to stand in, "for seven minutes."
"It's more fun if you do, though," Gary says, still glancing sideways at Misty, though I'm not sure she notices.
"It's more fun with more people," Serena says with uncertainty on her face, her eyes flicking over us all. I'm not sure I want to kiss anyone here either. But then, before anyone can protest, she's calling people, inviting more people to the house, not to stay, but just to hang out. I freeze up. It's not like we don't have more friends, it's just that this is our main circle. These are my close friends. Even more people joining in games like this? I shoot Dawn a panicked look, but she gives me a reassuring nod that does nothing to reassure me at all.
I head upstairs and lock myself in the bathroom, debating going home. I shouldn't be here. I should have never let myself come anywhere besides school where Ash would be. I can still feel his body pressed ever so slightly into mine. I still feel fury at his lies. I want to kiss him, I realise, but I also want to kill him. It isn't a fun mix.
Twenty minutes later, the others start to arrive. Most of them are friends, but none of them are anyone that I would think to text, call, or hang out with outside of school. My stomach sinks as I notice the majority of them are girls. The thought of Ash being in that cupboard with anyone turns my stomach. It makes me want to cry.
Everyone talks for a while before Dawn manages to herd us back to the carpet in front of the now lit fireplace. Some people are drinking wine. I hold back, wanting to keep my wits about me, just in case. Ash drinks.
I'm sitting between a friend of Serena's, Shauna, and a girl called Ruby. A few people take their turns spinning the bottle. Gary and Rosa go first. After that, they decide to cut the time down to three minutes. Seven minutes is a long time to sit around when you're not part of the action, I suppose. Dawn and Kenny next. Then Misty and Shauna. I keep an eye on Ash, drinking beside Dawn, not a care in the world. It makes me angry, makes me want to lash out and tell him I know his secrets, but I push it down.
When Serena spins the bottle, it lands on Ash, and my heart sinks as I watch them disappear into the cupboard. The three minutes stretch on, and when they finally exit, Serena's still laughing at something he said. I hate feeling this bitter, and so I grab the bottle of wine people are pouring glasses from and a glass, and pour myself one. I see Dawn grinning at me from across the circle, thinking I've decided to join in finally.
It's my turn to spin. I crawl onto my hands and knees and reach out to spin the bottle. It flies in a circle, then starts to slow, and I close my eyes and pray it's not Ash. When I open them, I see it's Dawn. The relief I feel is so overwhelming, I have to sit back down for a second to gather myself before I can follow her in.
The second the door closes behind me, she grins, and I wonder what could possibly be going through her mind. The room is so dimly lit, I can barely see her face, but there's one thing I've wanted to ask her, and now I can't help myself.
"I thought you and Ash were a thing."
Her eyes widen in the dark. "What?"
"Well, I just thought you were becoming a thing, but then you took that girl home after we went out, and-"
"May," she says, holding a hand up to stop me speaking. Then she bursts out laughing. "Ash and I are friends. You mean to tell me you haven't noticed me trying to set you two up?"
Her words hit me like a punch to the stomach. "I… You what?"
She sighs. "May, all of us knew you and Drew… Well, we all knew it wasn't going to last. I'm sorry if that upsets you, but it's true. Then Ash arrived, and I noticed a change in you. Even if you didn't realise it, you were happier, more yourself, whenever he was around. I thought-'' she shakes her head. "You deserve to be happy, May."
I don't even know what to say to her. I can only stare at her. After a second, she starts speaking again. "I put it on hold, since it wouldn't be fair when you just broke up with Drew. And May, if you want me to stop, just tell me, but he asks about you a lot, and I think he might-"
"Dawn," I cut her off, surprising myself with how sharp it comes out. "I don't like Ash that way, okay?"
She seems to deflate a bit, disappointment sweeping across her face. If only she knew, I think. She would realise that Ash and I are not like that at all. To him, I'm the prey he's stalking, waiting for the perfect time to pounce. That's why he asks so many questions. "Alright. I'll stop, then. But don't shut yourself off to everyone, all right?"
"All right." I offer her a smile, feeling bad for snapping at her. "I promise that whoever I next get put in here with, I'll kiss."
She grins her devilish grin back at me. "Deal."
The three minute timer goes off outside, and we step back out, the light hurting my eyes. Dawn is still grinning, and Misty raises her eyebrows at us, probably wondering what words were exchanged. I dare a glance at Ash, only to see he isn't even paying any attention. He's talking to Gary. I settle back into my place.
Shauna spins and gets Gary. I can tell he's excited as they disappear inside. I can't blame him, Shauna is beautiful. After they emerge, a bashful smile on Shauna's face and a triumphant smile on Gary's, and I can see Misty's frown. I wonder if she even realises her own feelings. It's clear as day to me that she likes him, but she's so used to closing herself off to people that she projects it as hate, constantly bickering with him or poking fun at him.
After a guy Gary invited called Red spins and gets Ruby, it's Ash's spin. I don't even look at the bottle as it spins, trying to seem uninterested. My eyes fall on Dawn as it spins, and she's watching it. Then she looks up at me, her face twisted. My heart drops into my stomach. I know before I even look down. It's me.
Panic grips my chest hard. He can't kill me here, not with everyone else as a witness, but it doesn't stop the cold running through my veins. It doesn't stop my heart from hammering wildly against my ribs as I stand, legs shaking, and follow him inside, my throat going dry. I had told Dawn I'd kiss whoever I was next in with, but she couldn't expect me to go through with it now, could she?
The door clicks shut behind me, and I'm standing just centimetres from him. I pray he speaks first. I don't trust myself to talk when my stomach is doing flips like this.
"Don't worry, I won't do anything," Ash says, a hint of humour in his tone. "Though I did tell Gary I would with whoever I got."
"Funny, Dawn and I had that same conversation." I hope my voice comes out normal.
He's silent for a moment, and I'm about to say something, anything, when he raises a reluctant hand like he's going to do something, then stops, hesitating. "May," he murmurs, his voice raspy, and something cracks inside me at the sound of it. "Can I?"
I don't even know what he's asking, and my brain is screaming for me to say no, but my heart wants him closer, closer, until we're pressed against one another. My lip trembles as I look up at him, and notice he's looking right back at me, but not at my eyes. At my lips. I can't even think. So I nod, my heart fluttering, barely even breathing. I don't understand why he's doing this, and I feel weak for giving in to it, but I crave him, so I don't protest as he brings his hand to my face and runs his knuckles up my cheek.
My skin is on fire where he touches it, and I think I might melt under his touch. A thousand emotions rush through me, but the most prominent is the incessant heat pooling beneath my stomach, an intense feeling I didn't even know could be brought on from the smallest of touches. He's gentle, and the gesture is almost caring, which makes no sense. None of this makes sense at all.
He places his other hand on my waist, and a thrill runs through me. Then he pulls me roughly towards him, closing the gap towards us, so my chest is pressed against his, and I know, in this moment, that this is what real desire feels like. It's an ache, one I don't think will ever go away now that I've felt it, and my breathing is ragged. I think it's only my heartbeat I'm feeling, but then I realise I can feel his, too. His heart is pounding.
This is a bad idea. This is a bad idea.
Is this all fake? I'm not even sure I care anymore as he leans down, and I feel his lips brush my neck, right under my ear. Before I can stop myself, I let out a little noise. Embarrassed, I pull away a little, thinking I've gone too far, but when I look back, he's looking right into my eyes, and I can read all of his emotions in them. They're burning, just like I am. I'm too aware of my breathing, of how heavy my chest feels, of the embarrassing heat between my legs. His grip around my waist tightens, and my breath catches in my throat as he leans in again, but this time I lean up too, and this is it, our lips are just inches apart-
The timer goes off outside, startling me, bringing me back to reality. It's just us, two people that shouldn't be near each other, breathing heavily, clinging to one another. Suddenly repulsed, I push away, my back hitting the door. Before he can say anything, I turn and pull it open, bursting back out into the living room, hoping the others can't sense anything amiss, hoping it doesn't look suspicious. I hurry over to my spot in the circle and sit back down, the fire between my legs still uncomfortable. I avoid eye contact as Ash sits back in his spot too.
Nobody else's spin lands on me, and I spend the rest of the night zoned out, reliving the moment over and over, wondering what the fuck is going on.
When we're all too tired to stay up any longer, Dawn tells me that she's letting Ash stay in the room I usually stay in. It annoys me a little that she seems to prioritise him over me, but I let it slide. Everyone but the original five of us have gone home already.
I haven't spoken to Ash. I'm not even sure what I'd say. Once the rush had faded away, I saw the situation for what it was. He was likely trying to gain my trust even further, testing the boundaries of our relationship with one another, and I hate myself for being fooled by it. I'd dated Drew for a year, and never felt the way I did in that cupboard, pressed into his body. I don't know how to come back from it.
I said goodnight to the others and changed into the nightdress I'd brought. It was the closest one to me, and I'd just grabbed it without thinking, which was now another regret, because it was a tiny scrap of silk that barely covered anything. I decided I'd just have to change before I left my room in the morning so that no one would have to see me in it. I could imagine the raise of Misty's eyebrow if she saw me, the leer Gary would give me, and Ash… Well, I couldn't even think about that right now.
I should have been more alert, should have at least tried to stay awake, and yet I drift off to sleep almost instantly. I dream of Ash, kissing me heavily, then sticking a knife in my back as we hold each other. I barely know if I'm awake or still sleeping when my eyes flutter back open, the room still dark and the house still silent. With a sigh, I realise I need the bathroom badly, and this room doesn't have an ensuite like my usual room does. Hardly even opening my eyes, I stumble out of my bedroom and along the hall. As I sit there, I almost fall asleep again, I'm so exhausted.
I stumble back to the room. I close the door quietly behind me, not wanting to wake any of the others in their rooms. I pad over to the bed and sink back into it. I close my eyes, taking a deep breath, ready to drift back to sleep, when someone stirs beside me. My eyes fly open and I jerk upright, straining to see in the dark. As my senses fully awaken, I feel the familiar tingling sensation, and realisation hits me. In my half asleep state, I've wandered into the wrong room, the one I'm used to being in. I almost laugh, and clamp my mouth shut to stop it. This is too crazy to be happening. As my eyes adjust, I see him, his hair falling over his face, which is peaceful with sleep. I watch, just for a moment, before I sigh quietly and start to slide out of the bed as slowly as I can, not wanting to wake him.
"May."
I freeze, scared to look back. My breath comes quickly, but I turn, suddenly afraid. Confusion replaces the fear as I realise he's still asleep. Has he just said my name in his sleep? I blink in disbelief as I lean in towards him. His face scrunches a little, and he says it again. My name, a quick murmur of his lips, and my heart kickstarts again. I want to be inside his head so badly, to know what he's dreaming about. Is he dreaming about killing me, or kissing me? I wonder if it even matters anymore as I bring my face close to his.
"Ash," I whisper back. My head is spinning, my thoughts at war with each other, and I wonder what the fuck I'm doing, but I can't stop myself. This feels dangerous, and the thrill that it brings is the greatest high I've ever felt. Nothing with Drew ever felt like this. He doesn't wake up, but I reach out, tugging the covers down a little, revealing that he's shirtless. My breath catches in my throat as I imagine running my hands down his bare chest, the hardness of his muscles beneath my palms.
I shake my head suddenly. This is crazy. This is absolutely crazy, and I'm about to try sliding out of the bed again when his eyes flutter open, landing on mine.
Shit.
I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. Ash blinks like he thinks I might disappear. "Is this real, or am I dreaming?" He asks casually. I choke out a laugh at his nonchalance.
"Is this something you'd dream about?" I whisper back before I can stop myself. My own words shock me, and I suddenly remember the tiny nightdress I'm wearing, which Ash's eyes have flicked to now.
"Is it bad if I say yes?" He says, and it feels like we're at a dangerous line now. Part of me wants to bolt back to my own room. Part of me wants to close the distance between us again. I can see the fierceness in his eyes, and it's reigniting the desire in me that I've only just started to forget.
I reason with myself. This doesn't have to mean anything. This can give me the upper hand. I can be in control of this whole situation. He doesn't know that I know, and maybe I can use this to my advantage, I think. I'm just rationalising it to myself, I know. I know Ash can see my hesitation to answer, can see the heavy rise and fall of my chest. I shift slightly, and the strap of the dress slides off my shoulder, slipping down my arm a little. Before I can fix it, Ash sits upright a little and reaches out, pushing it back up. The touch of his fingers on my skin sets me on fire again. I don't understand what's happening. My head is spinning, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm nervous. I'm so nervous that the butterflies in my stomach are making me dizzy.
"I wandered into the wrong room," I say finally, wanting to tell the truth. This could still be innocent, just a little bit of friendly flirting that means nothing and leads to nothing. "I'm used to being in here, I guess."
"Makes sense," Ash says, but his eyes are on my lips again, distracted, like he's considering it. Before he can get the chance, I start to stand.
"Sorry for waking you," I say, ready to say goodnight and head back to my room again, but Ash reaches out and grabs my arm, pulling me back. I fall back into the bed with a noise, and for a split second I think this might be him finally making his move to attack me, until he pulls me back until my back is against his chest. He throws the covers over me, and puts his arm around me, pulling me even closer, until every inch of our bodies are touching, until I'm tucked right into him. I know he can feel my heart pounding as his hand settles gently on my chest. I can feel his too.
"Stay?" He whispers into my ear. I should say no. I should push him away and storm right out, make a scene maybe. Instead, I lie deathly still. This makes no sense. He's a witch hunter. He must know I'm a witch. So why is he holding me like this? Why did it seem like he was going to kiss me in the cupboard? And, if I'm in danger, why do I feel safer than I've ever felt, lying here in his arms?
I wake early, and yet I feel well rested. It's still dark out, and glancing at the clock, I see it's 6:45am. Ash's arm is still around me, his palm resting on my stomach, his face in my hair. I still can't believe I let this, whatever this is, happen. I close my eyes again, but my mind is spinning, and it's clear I'm not getting back to sleep.
I wonder for a moment if I'm wrong about Ash. Maybe it's just a coincidence. Maybe he's not what I think he is at all. Perhaps it would be better to ask him outright. Remembering that, even if he is, I can use this to my advantage, I start to turn to face him. My movement wakes him, and his eyes flutter open, landing right on me as I settle facing him, our faces just inches apart, the covers falling off my bare shoulder.
"Okay, now I'm definitely dreaming," he says, closing his eyes again. I reach out and put my hand in his messy hair, pushing it back a little, and feel him tense up underneath me. Then, after a second, he relaxes again. I've never been this forward with a guy besides Drew, so it scares me, but I keep running my fingers through his hair, which is surprisingly soft.
Ash props himself up on one arm and looks down at me, his eyes roaming over my face, searching for something. I can see him holding back, considering. I know that, even if it is a real desire he's feeling for me, it's nothing more than two teenagers that are physically attracted to one another. It doesn't need to be more than that.
I pull my hand away from his hair and place a finger on his chest instead, running it down the curves of his muscles, hoping he can't feel the way I'm shaking like a leaf. I can't let myself get emotionally involved, I remind myself. I repeat it over and over again in my head until Ash reaches out and touches my face again, and all my thoughts are swept away in the tide, forgotten instantly. Slowly, my eyes flutter shut and I release a breath. I'm sure I'm about to do something stupid, something I might regret later, but in the moment I don't care. Ash's hand curves around the back of my head, his fingers running through my hair, and I open my eyes, just in time to see the switch blade flick open and press against my neck.
Cold floods over my body, panic following soon after. I feel the cold of the blade pressing tight against my skin. One move, and I could be dead, right here. Amidst my panic, I have room to feel sad. I should have known. I'm so stupid.
Defiantly, I look right at Ash, my eyes burning into his. I know there's nothing I can do. If I move to use my magic, I'll be dead before I pull anything off. He has me trapped, but I walked willingly into it. His chest is rising and falling so heavily you'd think he was the one trapped here. I wonder if he's really going to kill me as the blade moves slightly against my neck and I swallow hard, waiting for it.
Then, a gentle knock at the door. Ash has the knife concealed before the knocking even finishes, and I don't have time to pull away as it opens. My eyes flick to the door where Serena's standing, light washing in from the corridor behind her. I watch the emotions pass over her face. Confusion, awe, and then embarrassment. Pulled back to reality, I feel nothing but relief, despite the situation I've been found in and what it must look like. I want to jump into her arms.
"I- Sorry, I- Dawn wanted to know if you could help with her car, or something, and I-" She rambles, making the whole thing worse.
Calm and collected despite everything, Ash slips out of bed beside me, pulling a shirt over his head, already walking towards the door like nothing's amiss. My heart still hammers against my ribs, and it's hard to move, despite my instincts telling me to run. Serena's balking still as he walks right past her, saying something quietly to her. Serena quickly mumbles another "sorry" then closes the door again, both of them gone.