23
By Grace (purplemud)
Pairing: Naley and a bit of Leyton and Brucas
Summary: Nathan Scott is done playing basketball. In fact, if he's going to be honest about it, he's done with living. But one funeral just might change that. AU. Totally.
Warning: Character death. Strong language. Some sexual content in the future. Maybe.
Author's note: Much thanks for the awesome feedback. I really appreciate it.
Disclaimers: Standard disclaimers apply. Me don't own. Lines from the show shamelessly borrowed. Please don't sue.
Eight
"Wow, man, can you like, imagine being dead?" Tim is at it again. They're all back inside Nathan's car, heading home to Tree Hill.
Nathan thinks it's impossible that it had just been three hours since they had abruptly abandoned their usual Sunday brunch. It seems more like a dazed dream to him. For everything to happen in that short amount of time, it's just...impossible. But it did happen. Lucas is dead. Peyton was Lucas's girlfriend. And Haley. He did meet her. He feels an imaginary itch, a twitch – almost like tingling sensation on his jaws; on the very spot where Haley's lips had barely grazed against his skin. He shakes his head and keeps his eyes on the road, ignoring Tim as he babbled on.
Nathan feels something inside of him stirring – as though awakened - but he isn't sure what it is. Could not pin point the reason for him to feel this way. Like there is something that he has to do, although what exactly, he doesn't know. He tries to grasp the answer but it does not come anywhere near him. And he figures it wouldn't come to him, not with Tim hovering beside him madly twittering about God knows what.
"I'm all messed up." Tim continues, twisting in his seat so he could address Jake. Nathan is being his usual unresponsive self, which has been some sort of weird after effect of Mr. Scott's death. It was like the day Dan Scott died, Nathan Scott decided to stop being Nathan Scott. His friend is still there, of course, but Tim has only seen glimpses of the Nathan that he knew. No one has ever been able to bring Nathan out of his shell. He thought maybe Lucas's death might just do that but even that didn't shake Nathan out of whatever weird non-depressed state he's in.
Tim feels bad about the whole thing. With Nate and his dad and now with Lucas. He and Nathan go way back, they were boys together and even though Nathan never really spoke in great details on the many issues concerning his life: basketball, his volatile relationship with his dad, his almost non-existent relationship with his mom, his parents' relationship, his older half-brother – all of which Nathan refuses to acknowledge – Tim always known when things got especially bad. He had always been there for Nathan. Whether it was drinking themselves into perpetual stupor or hooking up with random girls at random parties, or just hanging out and pretending to be really into their almost ritualistic NBA Live games. He and Nathan had always done those things together and whatever Nathan had went through, Tim felt that he had been a part of it. Even though most of the time he felt more like an outsider looking in.
They still did things together. Except for the partying, that all stopped, almost abruptly, when Dan died. Tim figured it was because there was no more Dan to bully Nathan around; there was no need for Nathan to retaliate by pissing the heck out of his dad with his excessive partying and drinking and numerous hook ups.
It never really occurred to Tim that all their juvenile pranks and dares just didn't do it for Nathan anymore. He thought it was only a matter of time before Nathan started acting like his old, ordinary self. Today though, it looked like it all that was simply over. He'd finally understood that the Nathan from before was now gone.
Tim isn't sure how he feels about that exactly, but he wishes there was at least some one, just one person that Nate could talk to. Someone who'd also see Nathan the way he sees him: a good guy, deep down, even with all the crap he used to pull. In all the years that Tim had known Nathan, he had seen him be a decent guy. Like today. It just seemed, at least to him, that sometimes Nathan didn't particularly think that there's any good reason why he should be that guy. And that's what Nathan is lacking. A reason.
Of course, if he goes around saying this, Nathan would just tell him that he had gone and become even more pansier than ever. Besides, guys would never say stuff like that. At least not out loud. It would have been awesome if they have at least one girl friend, someone they were buddies with, someone who could talk to them about feelings and stuff. There's way too much testosterone in their little friendship, it's emotionally crippling him. Like today for example, he wants to talk about how he felt during the funeral and the wake and neither Nate nor Jake were taking him seriously. "That could have been me or you or someone we actually know." Tim continues undeterred.
"We do know Lucas. Or at least, we did know about Lucas." Jake frowns, confused. He sends Tim a dirty look. "Tim, could you just not?"
Tim pauses to sigh and mournfully look at them. "Sorry, man, it just sort of hit me." Tim gazes out of the window and mumbles, more to himself than to anyone. "It'll suck ass to die young."
"It's not like we'll be young forever." Jake reasons out with a shrug, stretching his leg, wondering if maybe letting Nathan drag them all the way to Oak Lake had been a mistake. He feels the strangeness of this day still clinging to them. Like there's more to come. The day is still young, after all. Jake's still not sure whether it's a good thing or a bad thing. He glances at Nathan who is stoically ignoring them. His friend has had too many downs lately; it's time something good happen to him. He just wish that whatever that good thing is, it'll stay longer than a few years of reigning as a basketball God of a small, local high school.
Tim pouts solemnly, fixing Jake with a wounded look. "Yeah, I know but I don't want to grow really, really old. Not like senile and smelly old. Like maybe sixty years old old. That seems kinda ok to me. I'd still have some of my looks." He lets out a small sniffle as though already sorry to have lost his young 'roguish' good looks, as he always tend to describe himself. "What about you guys?"
That seems to have gotten Nathan's attention as he makes a face before turning to look at Tim, eyebrows raised. "What about us?"
Tim gives him a 'Duh!' look. "How old do you think it's okay to die?"
The question hangs in the air and for a moment Jake wants to smack Tim in the head. Way to go. Of all the possible topic of discussion, Tim just had to pick death. But just when he is about to lean forward, Tim's words rattles inside his head and Jake is startled to realize that he hadn't really thought about death that way, as in him dying and more than that, he's a little unnerved by the fact that sometimes, Tim comes up with the most life altering questions ever. He slumps back in his seat and briefly closes his eyes. How old? The answer comes to him quickly, with the kind of clarity that he rarely finds himself capable of having. There is no exact age but... "I wanna see Jenny do great stuff, you know. Always be there for her."
Tim sadly shakes his head. "Not when you start forgetting about her, like her name or how she looks like. I mean, my grandfather, before he died and he was like really old, like maybe a hundred or something, he didn't even know my dad anymore. He kept asking: 'Who are you? Where's my son? I want to see my son.' and my dad would be just right there, sitting beside him. That's not cool. I mean, how'd you think Jenny'll feel if you can't remember her anymore."
"That sucks, man." Jake agrees, a haunted look crossing his features.
Nathan keeps silent, looks on straight ahead. He doesn't know anything about dying young or old. He doesn't know anything about dying, period. People assume all sorts of things about death and they kid themselves into thinking that somehow by rationalizing death, by acknowledging it, by talking about it like it's nothing but some purely random, completely unavoidable circumstance in life, they have come to accept it. Dying becomes kind of okay. Curtain call. Game over. Moving on to the next world or whatever. Ladidida. See you when I see you. Nathan thinks that's complete bullshit. No one can ever, ever truly accept death.
"It sucks to die too young and too old. You gotta do it like somewhere in the middle. When you're still okay but you know, old enough to have really, really lived. I plan on doing everything before I turn sixty." Tim grins at them and adds, "And guys, I mean everything."
Tim winks at them for added effect and normally, this would just start a whole new other subject of conversations but Jake is still stuck with the thought of forgetting his own daughter and how old age seems to be the greatest form of punishment ever invented. He doesn't get how Tim could say the most gut-wrenching thing and be all okay about it. He had just experienced the most horrible moment of having to think about dying, leaving Jenny all by herself and Tim goes on to talk about... well, whatever the hell the wink is supposed to mean. Jake grits his teeth and shakes his head. "Tim you do know that you can't like, plan death, right?"
Tim ignores the exasperated headshake. "Well, I sure as hell can plan until I die, right?"
"Until you turn sixty." Jake deadpans.
Tim thoughtfully nods his head. "Sixty-five-ish, maybe. But yeah, that's what I'm saying."
"You really are more naïve than I thought possible. Or you're just really retarded." Jake mutters irritably.
Tim shoots Jake a sour look. "I'm just saying."
"Well, you're depressing the hell out of me Smith."
Nathan rolls his eyes as he parks the car in front of the café. Thank God. If he has to listen to Jake and Tim arguing and sniping at each other he's really going to have some sort of breakdown. "You two quit it." He glares at both of his friends. "Now I know why Peyton thinks you're giving off couple-vibes." He mutters underneath his breath.
Jake snaps his attention back to him and gives him a look of alarm. "Whoa, what? I'm sorry, please tell me I heard you wrong."
"Couple-vibe? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Tim asks truly perplexed.
Nathan shakes his head, cuts the engine and ignores the bickering couple inside the car. He gets out, takes a deep breath and leans heavily into the car door. He hears Tim's question echoing inside his head. How old? Try never.
He thinks about his dad. It's not like Dan had planned on dying. Dan seemed like the type of guy who thought that he'd live forever, out last everyone else. Besides, as Dan would often joke (or not joke about) he still had far too many people to bully around for him to actually ever want to just die. And Nathan can almost guarantee that Lucas is still caught by surprise by the fact that his heart had stopped beating. At least, somewhere he is. Tim can go on about planning the perfect age to die, but it's never going to happen. It's either you die too young, too old, too soon or too late.
He didn't want to argue with Tim who thinks it's okay to die old. That's Tim's way of trying to understand death. Who was he to tell Tim that he's wrong? That it's not right to think that when someone old dies, someone you know, it doesn't make it any easier to accept it right away, that after a while, it becomes kind of okay. That's impossible. You just can't tell yourself: well, they're old, they've lived their lives, they might not have been happy about it, but they've gotten married, had fallen in love real hard, maybe twice or thrice. They've seen their kids grow up, the kids of their friends, brothers and sisters grow up. People, when they turn 80 and they die quietly in their sleep or they slip away from the hospital, it's not too bad.
Nathan knows that it isn't like that all. Regardless of how old or how young or how ready the person might be, death still shakes something out of you. It puts you in a sort of never ending limbo. Maybe like a year old stupor. Or maybe not even that, but it clutches, clenches at some important, internal organ and you suddenly can't breathe, can't think.
He hears the sound of the café door opening, pulling him from out of his thoughts. He looks up just in time to see Rachel and Mouth walk out of the door hand in hand. He watches the couple pass him by, completely unaware of his presence, even though he was barely a foot away from them. Rachel has all of Mouth's attention and he doesn't seem to notice the stares he's getting. All the attention they're getting. Mouth looks completely oblivious to anything and everything around them. It was obvious that to Mouth, there is no one else in the world except him and Rachel - the whole universe had ceased to exist and it was alright.
Nathan can't remember ever being like that with any girl. All zoned out on just one person, everything else fading quietly away, a secondary reality in the background, everything else is just white noise. He's never met a girl before that could hold all of his undivided attention.
Well, maybe never does not apply anymore.
"Well, that was a strange, strange morning." Tim finally concludes as he walks around the car, keeping a good few feet away from Jake who's still looking quite disturbed. Nathan doesn't say anything, keeps his gaze fixed on Rachel and Mouth. Tim can practically see the wheels turning inside Nate's head. He raises his eyebrows and nods at Jake, inclining his head over to Nathan. Jake shakes his head, a knowing look passing between them. "So, what's the plan today Nate?" Tim asks and as predicted, he doesn't get any reply from Nathan who is looking so far away; he might as well be somewhere else right now.
"Why don't we head over to the Rivercourt. Shoot some hoops. Get our mind off of things." Jake suggests, ambling towards them, hands deep inside his jeans pocket.
"Sounds good to me." Tim answers and adds, "I miss the Rivercourt guys."
Jake throws him a strange look.
"What? I'm not allowed to miss guy friends?"
Nathan head's snaps back up. He knows what he has to do. "I gotta go back."
This does not surprise Jake at all. He isn't blind and he had seen the way Nathan had been looking at the girl in Lucas's bedroom. It doesn't takes a rocket scientist to know exactly what Nathan is thinking or feeling right now. But Jake isn't sure that this is the best course of action to take. Of course, Nathan being Nathan wouldn't know that, would not realize it himself that he's seeking not just answers but maybe a little comfort as well. Maybe even a link to the brother he had never known. Jake thinks that Nate is rushing into things. And even though that's exactly what Nathan Scott is known for, he feels that as a friend, he has to step in and prevent Nathan from doing something that he just might regret later on. "What? C'mmon, Nate, what the hell for? You've been there, we've paid our respects. You gotta let it go. There's nothing in Oak Lake for you."
Nathan shakes his head. He turns to them, jaws clenched. He looks even different and Jake has never seen Nathan look like this in a long, long time. So determined. So sure of himself. Jake almost takes a step back. It's like suddenly being thrown back in time.
"I just... I gotta go back." Nathan says finally, taking the keys out of his pocket. "I'll see you guys around."
Tim and Jake silently watch as Nathan gets in the car. Without warning, Tim steps forward and pokes his head inside the opened window. Frowning he asks, "Is this about Peyton? 'Cause while you were at Hayden's room, I think she's still, kind of in love with Lucas and I know that Lucas is dead and maybe you think that it's..."
"Tim, shut up. This isn't about Peyton." Nathan says, actually smirking. "And it's not Hayden," he adds, his voice almost going softer, gentler but still, with alarming intensity. "It's Haley."
"What?"
"C'mmon, dude." Jake says, pulling Tim away. He looks at Nathan straight in the eye. "Be careful, Nate, alright? Don't do anything I wouldn't do."
Nathan nods his head and find himself half smiling, half frowning as he peeled off into the street. He's exactly bound to do things that Jake would never even think about doing. And maybe, maybe this time, for a change, it just might be a good thing.
Nathan finds the café. Didn't know how he managed to find it but he knows it's the right one. On the door, it simply says Karen's Café. It isn't any different from her rest of the cafés back in Tree Hill. In fact, if someone moved it from here to there, it'll fit perfectly right in place. That is of course, once they take out all the Oak Lake Lions posters, flags, even a large lion stuffed toy wearing the green jersey. Mrs. Roe is one proud mother, that's for sure.
He remember his mom suggesting once to put up his jersey on the wall of his mom's bar, Deb's Den, encased in glass. Nathan had been surprisingly touched by his mom's gesture, which Dan promptly ruined when his father had asked, in his cool, calm voice: "Why the hell for Deb? He hasn't proven anything yet."
And yet, there on that same holy wall was his father's own old high school jersey. Nathan had sneeringly answered, "Forget it mom. Don't want to be up with the has-beens."
There was just general love all around their family.
Lucas certainly didn't seem to mind having all sorts of Oak Lake #3 stuff displayed over the whole place. Nathan walks in almost cautiously, idly noting some of the framed pictures and news clippings. Some of it didn't have anything to do with Lucas although it mentioned the team. He looks around the empty place, taking a few more tentative steps as his hands touch the wooden tables and chairs he passes by. Lucas must have spent almost half of his life inside this café with Haley and his mom and maybe even Keith. Nathan feels a slight twinge of envy.
Deb's Den wasn't exactly the best place to hang out when he was sixteen; all those alcohol around and the older women, even the college guys who seemed to think that they can prove something if they got into a fight with Nathan Scott. He avoided his mom's bar as much as he could and had stayed at his dad's beach house – was forced to stay there, as Dan always wanted to grill him on how their practice went or sometimes watch the old games, point out his many short comings. It wasn't always such nightmare, hanging out with Dan at the beach house. On his good days, Dan can be gracious with showering him praises. It was just hard to guess when Dan was in a good, proud-dad mood.
People used to say that he got the better deal out of the whole sordid affair, that he was the lucky one, that he had gotten the best out of life. He had believed it to be true but now Nathan knows that he and Lucas were exactly the same: neither one got the better deal out of anything. He and Lucas both have regrets and resentments. And just the same, they have shiny moments in life, memories that they treasure, that they hold dear and precious. And Nathan might never know the truth, but he guesses that the only difference between him and Lucas was that Lucas knew how to appreciate the things that matter the most, that he knew how to keep them close to him so that it illuminated everything else, even the bad stuff.
He goes in further inside the café and somehow, he knows it: Haley isn't here. He had hoped that maybe... she had mentioned something about being in the café with Lucas every day. Obviously he was wrong to think that he'd find her here. He makes an about face, suddenly in a hurry to get out. Another place he should not be in. Another place he had trespassed. He wonders how he'd feel if he found out that Lucas had come into his house, into his room, into his mother's bar. When he's about half way towards the door when someone announces in a hurried voice: "We're closed."
Nathan turns his head and finds himself looking at his uncle's pale haggard face, his dark hair disheveled, eyes red-rimmed, tie askew. He looked like he had been drinking and crying. The look of shocked recognition in Keith's face said it all and Nathan almost trips on his own feet as he tries to back away, the door so damn far away from him.
After a moment of heavy, awkward silence, Nathan mumbles, "Hey, Uncle Keith," and immediately winces as soon as the greeting slips out of his mouth. After years of not seeing and talking to his uncle, that's all he has to say. Hey uncle Keith. He smiles weakly, apologetically at the realization. He stands awkwardly in front of his uncle whose face suddenly becomes filled with confusion and then slowly, replaced with wonder and then bright, unmistakable joy.
"Nathan!" Keith all but chortles, his face lighting up as he takes a step towards him and before Nathan knows what's happening, he's hugging his uncle. It's been so long. The fierceness of this hug almost knocks the breath from out of his lungs. "Oh, Nate, it is so good to see you again!" Keith says as they finally let go of each other.
Nathan looks at Keith in wonder. Not sure why he's getting such a warm welcome. It's the last thing he expected but this does not change the fact that it's a pleasant surprise, to find that his uncle did not quite hate him as he had once thought. But then, his uncle had always been the one warm, glowing person in their angry dysfunctional bitter family.
He remembers his uncle Keith, when he used to visit them, how he'd always pull him aside and tell him that families are important, that it's something that would always be there, would never go away no matter what. Nothing changes it. Not envy or disappointment or cutting words said in an argument, not even distance or death. Nathan is sure - dreading it even - that now that his uncle had seen him, those same familiar words of wisdom would come tumbling out and this time, it wouldn't sound like hopeful advise but something definitely, infinitely full of regret. It was one of the reasons why he didn't want to see his uncle during his father's, and now his brother's, wake. He wasn't sure if he'd be able to stand Keith's disappointment in him. No matter how badly his father and his uncle's relationship had turned out, Keith always made sure to call Nathan once in a while just to tell him how proud he was of him. Nathan had learned to count on that, to look forward to it even. Even though back then, he had not been able to fully appreciate it.
"Uncle Keith," Nathan starts uncertain, "I'm sorry about..."
"I know. I know." He answers, tapping him in the shoulder. "I saw you at the wake."
Nathan thinks he's had enough surprises for the day, but they just keep on coming at him. He feels his heart sink into his stomach. "You did? I'm... I didn't mean to intrude or trespass or anything like that and I'm sorry about that too... I was kind of hiding from you, actually." He admits almost sheepishly.
Keith nods his head in understanding. "I got the sense that you were."
"I thought, maybe you wouldn't want me to be there." Nathan looks away, his jaws tightly clenching.
"Are you kidding me? Why in God's name would you think that?" Keith grabs on to his shoulder, squaring it as he forces Nathan to look at him. "Sure, I was surprised as hell to see you there but I'm proud of you Nathan. Really, I am. When I saw you at Karen's, I was really proud of you. I just..." Keith's voice falters and Nathan steels himself for the worst, "I just didn't think I could talk to you without getting emotional and I didn't think you needed to see your uncle being all weepy and snotty." The light teasing tone eases some of the tension away. "But honestly, Nathan, you don't know how proud I was of you at that moment. I know it must have taken a lot of courage to go and be there for the wake. For Lucas."
"I... I did more for me, I think." Nathan mumbles, letting out a sigh, followed by a choked chuckle. He thought maybe Keith would be angry and disappointed. How is it possible that his uncle could be proud of him? If he hadn't known his uncle, Nathan would think that Keith is lying to him but his uncle had always been an honest man and Nathan can see the sincerity in his uncle's kind eyes. He feels grateful that after everything that had happened, he still has a family in Keith. A part of him feels like he doesn't really deserve it.
"No you didn't. You're not as selfish as you think you are and I know that it wouldn't really mean much since we barely talk anymore but I know you Nathan, I saw you grow up. You're a good person. You should know that."
You learn kindness as you go on in life, that's what Keith used to tell him. It's never too late for anything, Nate. People become who they are because of the choices they make - don't ever forget that.
Keith used to tell him a lot of things back when he was still young. Everything about basketball he learned from his father. The rest from his uncle Keith. His uncle always had something nice to say and Nathan remembers everything that Keith had told him, although clearly, he hadn't taken it into heart. Both his grandfather and his father used to say how his Uncle Keith was too soft, all hearts - never really a Scott - not made of steel, not determined, not strong enough to go for his dreams, to take what should've been his. Keith is the kind of guy who'd never hurt anyone, who'd take the blows intended for his brother even though he knows he's not going to get a word of thanks for it. In short, his uncle was weak.
Nathan had always felt a little sorry for his uncle and Keith seemed to have always known that his nephew looks at him with something akin to pity. Keith was probably the only person in Nathan's life who might have been able to teach him how to become a decent guy but Dan had always told him not to listen to his uncle Keith, not unless he wants to be just like him - the son who never lived up to Royal Scott's expectation. A nobody.
Later in life, when he got older, when he started asking his father what happened to his uncle Keith and how come he never saw him anymore, Dan would only say that Keith had abandoned and betrayed his own family. Nathan never really knew what happened between his uncle and his father, never really took the trouble to ask Keith about it and he feels guilty now - had always felt guilty about it - when he quietly went along with his father and his grandfather as they tried to erase Keith from their lives.
This is what happens when you listen to the wrong people, Nathan thinks. You get sucked in into the lie. You get trapped in it.
The month Keith moved away from Tree Hill, things in the house had been tense and for weeks, Nathan remembers doing his best to be the perfect obedient son, aware that one smart assed comment from him would mean more than just being sent to bed without dinner or worse, grounded for a week, no Playstation, no basketball. His mom had packed up and left them for some important business meeting over in Chicago and silence had enveloped the house. Complete, utter, suffocating silence.
Dan, for the first and only time, ignored their scheduled morning jogs and afternoon basketball drills at their backyard. He let Nathan and Tim go off wandering around town and come home pretty much any time they wanted and for almost a month, Nathan was freed from the rigorous training that his father implemented with military precision and for a while he had been like any other kid, goofing around with his friends, hanging out by the parks where he got to meet and play with the older, cooler juniors and seniors - some of them members of the varsity basketball team. And as though he knew he that this freedom could not possibly last, he took everything in - huge, big gulps and dosages - the party scene, in particular loved him. And while his parents were busily ignoring him, he was essentially being slowly ushered in into the coolest crowds of Tree Hill. Just when he was getting used to his father's sudden disinterest in him and his mother's absence, one day, the incredible happened: Deb came home and Dan went back to happily bullying him into hours after hours after hours of basketball drills.
Back with a vengeance that is.
Lay ups. Jump shots. Offense. Defense. Free throws. Dribbling exercises. Blocking exercise. More miles to run. More games to watch and discuss. More everything that eventually, Coach Durham had no choice but to transfer him from the JV to Senior team. Coach did not have a choice, Nathan was making the JV team look better than the senior varsity team. It was simply not acceptable that the JVs were winning more games while the senior team got their asses kicked game after game after humiliating game.
That was when basketball officially took over his life and everything else slipped away. Including his uncle Keith. Last he heard, from Dan of course, was that Keith had moved in with Karen and his father had sneeringly added how Keith had always wanted his hand me downs. His father could be such an ass sometimes.
But back then, Nathan couldn't help but think that that Keith had chosen Lucas over him. It didn't help that he also got plenty of little snide comments from his dad too about Keith and Lucas doing father and son basketball games over at Oak Lake. It didn't help that the few times he got to see his uncle was during the games they had with Oak Lake, with Keith wearing nothing but the color green, proudly cheering for Lucas. And he had somehow effectively, just as his father had done, cut off his ties with his uncle Keith.
And now, Keith had just lost Lucas - had lost another nephew all over again - maybe not even a nephew, maybe more like a son and Nathan could only imagine what it must be like for Keith. Nathan wishes there's something he could do to ease Keith's pain. He isn't looking to replace Lucas, not by a long shot, but maybe this was his chance to be the nephew Keith had always thought him to be. He wants that second chance and even without having to say anything to Keith, he seems to know exactly what Nathan is thinking.
Keith pats him affectionately on the cheeks. "I've missed you, you know."
"I've missed you too Uncle Keith and I'm sorry for being such an ass and never returning your phone calls."
Keith shakes his head. "Hey, look, I understand ok. It must have been hard on you watching me and your dad try to rip each other's head off every time we're inside the same room."
"It's not just that." Nathan adds with a shake of his own head. He opens his mouth to tell Keith but finds it hard to put everything into words. Sorry seems so inadequate and he needs to explain to his uncle that more than anything, it was his fault, he had let his father's lie poison his relationship with Keith.
"I know Nate and I should have made it clear that I wasn't choosing one over the other. I love you both equally." Keith said, squeezing his shoulders.
Nathan feels his heart constricting almost painfully. But it's more out of gratefulness and joy than anything else. "Thanks." He mumbles, his throat aching.
Keith playfully smiles as he affectionately punches Nathan by the shoulder before bringing his hand to his face, as though to clear any signs of what might have been tears on his eyes. "Boy am I glad to see you again, have I said that already?"
Nathan laughs. "Yeah you did." It's odd how he and his uncle can be so... okay with being somewhat slightly emotional over getting to see each other again. It feels good. It feels like family. Like there's really no need for words anymore and that everything will be alright now.
"Good. I just want you to know that and hopefully, this isn't just some onetime thing. How'd you know I'd be here anyway?" Keith asks, raising his eyebrows.
Nathan is immediately reminded of why he came here in the first place. He feels his face suddenly getting extremely warm and he wishes to God he isn't blushing. Although, really, there isn't any reason for him to be blushing at all, in the first place. He clears his throat. "I ugh, I didn't. I was looking for... a friend of Lucas." Dammit, why does he always end up roping himself into situations like this? He didn't want anyone else to know about how he's been looking for Haley James all over Oak Lake for the past hour and half, because he can't quite explain it to himself why he has to see her and why he just can't forget about it and drive back home, live his life away from Oak Lake and everything else that has got to do with Lucas. Most especially Haley James.
In his mind, he keeps on seeing the way she looked the last time he'd seen her, right before he was shoved out of the door by Jake and Tim. She looked like she wanted to tell him something. It was in her eyes, the way she was looking at him and however ridiculous it may sound, Nathan is sure that whatever it is that she has to say, he has to hear it. And that he'd regret it for the rest of his life if he didn't find her now and talk to her.
Keith gives him a strange look and after a few second of silence, his eyebrows still raised, he asks: "You don't mean Damien West do you?" Nathan sputters for a few second and his uncle chuckles. "Relax Nathan. I was only teasing you."
"I... I'm looking for Haley, actually."
Keith's eyebrows rise almost to the roots of his hair. "Lucas's Haley, as in Haley James?"
Nathan scratches his head before running it down his hair. A nervous habit he had never been able to get rid of. Well, this is certainly going to be hard to explain. Harder than trying to overcome the years that he and his uncle had never got to talk. He swallows slowly, trying to choose his words. "Yeah. I got to talk to her this morning and I just... I'm a little worried about her. I just thought maybe I could... I don't know really. I just..."
"Try the cemetery."
They both turn their heads towards the source of the voice.
Keith immediately takes a step towards the small woman who was still wearing her black dress. She walks into the room, through the kitchen door, her eyes never leaving Nathan's for a second.
Nathan swallows hard, keeps still and anxiously tries his best to remind himself to breathe. And to be polite. He's not so good at being polite, something that has never really bothered him before, until now. He keeps his back straight as he watches Keith stand beside her, putting an arm around her, keeping her close to his side.
"Karen, sweetie, I thought you said you're going to take a nap."
Nathan's heart lurches inside his chest as he realizes that Karen is still looking at him. He had never seen Lucas's mom before. He didn't know what he could tell her that she might even be interested in listening to. After all, he was the boy who had been the cause of a lot - if not all - of her pain and sufferings. He feels as though he's suddenly become smaller or younger. Their eyes lock for a brief second before and there is something so direct about her stare that Nathan couldn't quite make himself look away. He winces internally. Way to go Nathan! He mentally, sarcastically cheers at himself. He had successfully avoided both Karen and Keith in the wake and now here they were - all alone together in one room. He just had to come back to Oak Lake for this.
Karen turns to briefly look at Keith, gently touching her hands to his cheeks. "I couldn't sleep. I don't want to sleep actually." She brings her hand down and Keith is quick to catch it and hold on to it.
Nathan feels even more like an intruder now. He feels like he's watching something that he's not supposed to see. That he has no right to see. But he can't help it; he openly stares at Karen and notices her red-rimmed eyes - the only thing that indicates what she had just lost today and how much she's suffering for it. And yet he sees and senses the intensity of her mourning, the dignity of her grief. Her clear, heavy gaze makes Nathan feel unworthy to be in her presence, especially after everything that he had put Lucas through.
"Hello, Nathan."
The greeting is gentle, soft. Not at all cold or laced with steel as Nathan had expected. Not that he thought badly of Mrs. Roe, but because he thought that he deserves it if Mrs. Roe treated him like dirt. For a moment, Nathan can't find his voice. He's startled - once again - by the kindness in Karen's voice. It takes him another full second before he slowly starts to nod his head and somehow, finally he manages to get a few simple words out. "Hello Mrs. Roe. I'm sorry about Lucas." He says this slowly, with delicate care and he feels somewhat better when Karen gives him a small smile.
"Me too. Thank you for coming today. It means a lot to me and I'm sure to Lucas as well."
Nathan feels the genuineness of her words, how heart wrenching it must have been for her to say them out loud and he didn't want to mar it with another useless apology, he nods his head in quiet acceptance.
"I'm a little worried about Haley myself." Karen continues in that same gentle voice. "She's been like a daughter to me and I love her dearly."
Nathan wonders if Karen can see right through him and he desperately wants to tell her that he has no hope of ever replacing Lucas in Haley's life. All he wants really is to see her again, even if it's just for this one day. He's never going to bother Haley or anyone else again, he just wants to talk to her some more, she's been the only one he has ever spoken with about his father and he wanted just a few more minutes of that with her. He opens his mouth to say all these, as politely as he could, but Karen beats him to it.
"She has a lot of friends," she informs him casually and Nathan could feel his heart sinking. If Mrs. Roe doesn't want him anywhere near Haley, he can understand why and for Lucas and for Haley's sake, he'd stay away. Mrs. Roe just needed to say those words and he'll go driving back to Tree Hill and he'd never ever return here again but...
"Mrs. Roe," Nathan starts, interrupting Karen and he mentally curses himself. So much for being polite but he isn't just about to give up. He looks down at Karen almost pleadingly, but he was met with the same clear, kind eyes.
"But I think," Karen goes on, her voice louder this time, "she doesn't want to be with friends who'd remind her of Lucas." She pauses and takes a deep breath and Nathan thinks, this is it; she's going to tell me that I should stay the hell away from Haley. He bites the insides of his cheeks, tries to keep up a brave front. He'll say yes and if pressed, he'd promise too. He'd give them his words and not even think about breaking them. He'd vow never to go anywhere near Haley James ever again and he's going to go back to living the empty life he had been living. A price to pay for all the years that he had acted so selfishly.
"Go on and look for her, she needs someone to look after her and since Lucas isn't here to do that anymore... well, she's going to need someone, right?"
"I'm really sorry Mrs. Roe," Nathan apologizes in a rush, not even daring to look at Keith, keeping his eyes levelled with Lucas's mom. "I know you think I have no right to even..." he pauses, as Karen's words filtered through his brain. Wait, what? Nathan closes his mouth, doesn't say anything. He doesn't know how to respond to that, is actually afraid that Mrs. Roe would take her words back. He stands in front of her in complete silence and he thinks, almost amused that this is the most behaved he has ever been in front of adults.
"Isn't Haley afraid of the cemetery?" Keith butts in, looking almost comically confused.
Karen smiles at this. "Oh, Keith, you know I think she only acts scared so Luke would feel like a good, brave boy out to protect her." There's a sparkle in her eyes, barely there but it catches Nathan attention and he's certain that if Mrs. Roe had stayed with Dan, that spark would've have been snuffed out from her. He had seen the same thing happened to his mother.
Dan seems hell bent on ruining that people that loved and loves him and he doesn't even seem to be aware of it. Could it be possible that not only did his father sucked as dad, as a brother, as husband but also as a person? Nathan winces at the thought. No. He won't believe that. He can resent his father all he wants, be bitter with their relationship, but he could never betray Dan like that. His father had made mistakes and Nathan thinks - holds on to hope - that his dad would have tried to make things better, if only his life had not been cut short. He clutches at this belief fervently. It was the only way he could still love his dad despite and in spite of everything.
Karen turns her attention back to Nathan, "It's not hard to find it. You just go straight through Main Street, past the chapel and you turn right."
Nathan briefly forgets about his father as he is suddenly filled with wonder. He isn't sure if this is actually happening to him. Someone trusting him. Someone trusting him with someone that they loved – it scared him. He's already afraid of the intensity of how badly he wants see Haley again but this is just bringing his fear into new, stellar heights. "Thank you, Mrs. Roe." He manages to mumble out through his burning throat.
Karen stares up at Keith and smiles at him before addressing Nathan once more. "I hope you come and visit Keith some time."
Nathan nods his head. "If it's okay with you Mrs. Roe."
"Of course it's okay with me. Keith has been talking about you non-stop all these years."
Nathan smiles at Keith, feels his heart swelling. "I will. I promise." And this time, Nathan means it.