23
By Grace (purplemud)
Pairing: Naley and a bit of Leyton and Brucas
Summary: Nathan Scott is done playing basketball. In fact, if he's going to be honest about it, he's done with living. But one funeral just might change that. AU. Totally.
Warning: Character death. Strong language. Some sexual content in the future. Maybe.
Author's note: Another late update. I really apologize that with the amount it time it takes me to post new chapters. I hope that everyone will like the update. Thank you so much for everyone who had read and reviewed the previous chapters. I really appreciate it. It's all very inspiring to read your reviews. I hope that this update did not disappoint. Thank you in advance for reading this. Feedbacks are greatly appreciated it. Much love!
Disclaimers: Standard disclaimers apply. Me don't own. Lines from the show shamelessly borrowed. Please don't sue.
Twelve
He hears it and she lets out a small embarrassed laugh. "Well, that's attractive," Haley mutters with a roll of her eyes and as much as Nathan thinks of how wonderfully adorable she could be, how her laughter sounds absolutely sincere – both facts sending a warm tingly-pleasure inside his chest – he couldn't stop himself from frowning at her. Worriedly he asks, "When's the last time you've eaten?"
Haley looks genuinely startled at the question. She pauses for a second, wincing. "Ugh, I don't know." She takes a peek up at him, her soulful eyes darker. Somewhere in its brown-liquid depths, Nathan sees something he couldn't quite name, but something he remembers feeling. He watches her quietly, waiting for her answer.
"I guess," she mumbles the word, looking past his shoulder, as though waiting for a flicker of memory to come to her.
You lose a love one, you lose yourself. You lose your sense of time, of everything. Memories are suddenly misplaced and one day bleeds into the next and into the other one, two days ago, a month ago, a year ago. Sometimes, even a lifetime ago. Nathan knows that well enough to understand why she seems suddenly scared. Haley's just realizing just how much Lucas had taken away from her since he had died.
Nathan finds himself bending his knees, leaning in a little. He tilts his head trying to catch her attention. "Haley?"
Biting her lips, Haley gives him a quick glance before briefly looking down at her shoes. "Yesterday? Since the accident?" She runs a hand against her hair, blonde-brown, tousled and partly covering her eyes. "I don't remember."
It's a heart breaking confession and this too, Nathan has already figured out. All these irony just keeps piling up on him. The one day his head clears up enough to actually see and hear beyond what everyone in front of him is saying or doing just had to be the day of his brother's funeral. He didn't have this 'social skill' as what Peyton had called it before. And he wasn't particularly keen on acquiring it either. He wasn't known as Mr. Sensitivity in Tree Hill. But so what? The way he saw it (the way his father told him) what was so great about being everyone's best friend? Friends were fun, but careers, basketball careers in particular, aren't built from friendship. Besides, there hadn't been a need to be Mr. Sensitivity to get a lot of friends. He had been the school jock, star basketball player: people flocked to him. He was young, arrogant and brilliant. And so everything had been about him. He only saw and hear what he wanted. Anything else, he had tossed away, discarded, blocked out from his head. Except of course for one particular voice: his dad's.
Even now, once in a while, it'll pipe up in his head. He wants to get rid of it but he's afraid to lose it as well. Nathan is aware of how fucked up that sounds so he shakes his head, takes in a deep breath. He's getting a second chance to live another Life Altering Day ('cause the day his father died wasn't enough, apparently) and he's totally screwing it up.
He quickly sets aside whatever bullshit romantic notions suddenly filling up his head. The hard truth is, he has it all figured out because he knows about this. He has lived through it. He knows how the simplest things, like eating, gets shoved down so far from the list of things to do once you've realized that you have a wake to prepare, a funeral to attend, a death to get used to. He understands but he still wants to grab Haley's shoulder, shake her a little. Pull her out from wherever she is. He knows that place too. That self-contained grief and solitude, somewhere maybe peaceful but totally detached from the world around her.
Nathan knows, oh yes he does, that she'll never find Lucas there. No one is there. That dark place. It's just that, a dark place. He doesn't want her there. He wants ask her to come back to here and now.
To him.
With him.
The last though startles him. Unhinges him. Rattles the very core of existence.
He knows he wants her – in ways he could and couldn't figure out just yet. But God, he wants her and there's only one way to have her.
To not be him. To not want her.
Impossible. Hopeless. Frustrating. Totally fucking ridiculous to even think about.
Love, life, death: so twistedly intertwined. Is this his Lesson of The Day? Is this what Lucas want to teach his shit-head of a brother? That on the day he permanently leaves earth, Nathan has to realize that the unnameable thing he had wanted all his life had existed in Lucas's world? The world he had refused to be a part of. He had banished Lucas to Oak Lake. To Haley.
Nathan clears his throats, "I…you should eat."
His voice comes out all wrong and Haley blinks up at him, almost craning her neck to meet his eyes. "Don't worry about me," She tells him with a small smile, incorrectly reading the storm of emotions in his face. "I'm fine." She adds in a falsely cheerful voice, adding a gentle nudge against his shoulder when he didn't say anything.
Nathan swallows hard, wonders why, even if she had insisted to be alone tonight, why in God's name is no one taking care of her?
Oh, because, right, Lucas used to take care of her and he guesses that someday, some other guy nearly as perfect as Lucas would come along and do just that. Maybe more.
Nathan clenches his jaws at the thought. Bright, possessive thoughts – all out of the question. If he allows himself to get jealous of phantom, imagined future boyfriends, there's no telling what he'll do. He reminds himself that for now, just for tonight, all she has is him. He isn't even good with taking care of things, much less people but he feels like he needs to be here for her, regardless of all these startlingly, fast-tracked feelings he's developing for her. Karen has told him to go look for Haley and take care of her. It's what he'll do. He owes it to Karen and Keith and Lucas.
And so even if his first instinct is to charm her out of her grief, he thinks it's just utterly low if he asks her out now – which is about the only good thing he knows how to do, beside basketball. Story of his life. Although of course, it doesn't have to be like a date date kind of thing, right? He wouldn't even eat. He'd just watch her eat; make sure she gets something in her stomach.
But who was he kidding? For him, it'll be just like a date. It wouldn't take him long before he'd start wanting to hold her hand, to lean forward and kiss her…Nathan closes his eyes demanding his brain to erase that image. He didn't need that. At all. No torture would be worse than having that mental picture seared into his brain and knowing that it's all he'll ever have.
"Nathan?" Haley's voice sounds small and far away and he suddenly remembers something. He snaps his eyes open and without thinking, grabs her delicately small hand, leading her towards his parked car.
Nathan can feel her eyes watching him as he leans over to open his dashboard. His hand searches inside, grimly, mentally admitting to himself that today has been nothing but a comedy of errors. Somehow, over the course of the day, he has acquired a knack of doing things before thinking it over.
He's always been smooth with girls, has the best ideas ever. He knows how to make them swoon over him. Of course, all that just went flying out of the window the moment he realized that Haley isn't like any other girl. And so instead of being his usual confident self, he nervously clears his throat, muttering unintelligibly as he stretches himself further, he feels his shoulder lightly brushing Haley's knees.
"Here, let me…" Haley offers but he quickly answers with a mumbled, "No it's okay, I got it."
Nathan takes a deep breath, trying to relax. Belatedly, he curses himself for this mistake. Now he can't stop thinking about how he's hoping that Haley's smell would / would not cling – he can't decide which - to his leather upholstery.
To Cling would equal to torture and then the impending disappointment of one day realizing that the scent is gone. But then To Not Cling would also mean the same equal torture – for obvious reason. He doesn't like feeling so out of his element. So out of his skin. But then it's also, in some way – freeing. To discover that he can be not himself. Well, not his usual arrogant, cocky, jerk of a self.
He glances at Haley who smiles at him and when he still doesn't speak, the smile slowly dissolves into a confused arching of her eyebrows. Nathan smiles (winces, actually) back, silently wondering if she thinks he's half-retarded, which would explain why she's been so kindly indulging his weirdness.
Nathan Scott, weird with a girl. Now there's something he had never thought he'd ever be. But here he is now successfully (and finally!) handing her a box of Cracker Jacks, fervently praying to God that's the lights from the basketball court isn't highlighting his nervous, crazy-stupid smile.
"Here," and Nathan is happy to note that he sounds like his usual, confident self. At least he's happy with this particular plan. This doesn't scream date, right? It's just peanut snack. Safe. And he'll have to keep it that way before he figures out a way to get Haley to eat something without looking like he's trying to ask her out.
Nathan silently concentrates on reminding himself to not say anything that would be considered sweet or charming as Haley tentatively accepts his lame – there are no other words for it – attempt at feeding her. She's quietly watching him and again, he has to stop himself from blurting out that normally, he would've taken her to the most exquisitely expensive restaurant in Oak Lake. In the whole of North Carolina. Of both Carolinas actually. He'd let her order anything she wants from the menu. Steak. Lobsters. Anything she wants. This peanut-snacking-thing at his car parked in front of an old basketball court, this isn't how the Nathan Scott rolls. It's just that he's trying to keep a safe distance from her and the truth is, he doesn't really think that she's the type to be impressed by ridiculously priced Italian food – so, Cracker Jacks it is. Down-to-earth, sweet, familiar. Exactly like her.
Thank God he can clench his jaw like nothing else matters. That could have been his first ever rambling, neurotically, insane sentence.
"If it's a cheat code, it's mine." Nathan finally tells her, breaking the semi-awkward silence. There. Nothing remotely sweet about that. But it's enough to make her smile at him. He must've looked pretty serious because Haley lets out a small chuckle.
"Do you always have Cracker Jacks with you?" She asks and he notices how she's having trouble opening the little silver packet. He quickly moves to cover her hand with his and this startles Haley enough that she stiffens for a split-second, practically jumping from her seat.
Nathan instantly stills his hand, laying it on top of hers. "Sorry," he mutters quickly, feeling the tiny currents of electricity running through the exact spot where his skin was touching hers. Her eyes are fixed on their hands before moving up to look at him. And the whole universe stops.
That's how all the songs and books go, right?
Their eyes meet and everything stops.
Lies. Fucking lies.
Nathan can feel his whole world madly spinning off of its axis as that one charged moment stretches on until eternity. Until forever. Until he couldn't breathe anymore. Which may sound romantic, but it's actually true. They're inside this small, intimate, enclosed space and all the oxygen is being sucked out of him and his heart is furiously beating against his rib cage, probably screaming: fuck you, Nathan, you little fucker. Yeah, this is definitely 'safe'. Fucking idiot!
And then Haley slowly lowers her eyes, her lashes sweeping against her cheekbones. She takes a deep breath, shaking her head. "No, no, no…it's me. I… I… know…"
Nathan is baffled by the statement, at the way she's suddenly refusing to look at him. "Haley?" He hears her take a deep breath before she finally looks back up at him, biting her lips, sheepishly apologizing.
"Sorry. I get jumpy, sometimes," her eyes are bright and nervous. "For no apparent reason, and really, I'm just weird that way. You don't need to be alarmed or anything although I wouldn't blame you if you are. This is just me, normal. I mean, this is normal for me, the, ugh-"
"Jumpiness." Nathan supplies the word, smiling at her rambling, gently taking the packet from her when she had visibly relaxed.
"Yeah, that." Haley agrees, nodding her head, looking slightly relieved. "So Cracker Jacks, huh?" She asks, going back to their original conversation, brushing aside the weirdness between them that had sprung and blossomed the instant their skin touched.
Or was it when their eyes met? Or did it start before all this? Inside Lucas's room, when he first saw her. Nathan thinks it possible it all started there. He shakes his head, decides that it didn't matter. It will soon be over anyway. Trying to remain cheerful, even if thoughts of their impending separation are slowly taking its roots inside his head, gripping him in silent panic-stricken misery, he gamely grins at her. "Breakfast of champs." He quips easily as he finally rips the packet open.
His fingers find it first. Not the usual cheat code he'd find. It's a bracelet. He pulls it out and is surprised mostly with its color: purple, neon-green, yellow, pink. All the happy colored beads thrown in, strung together. One is shaped like a heart. One tiny plastic heart, tiny plastic flowers, tiny plastic stars. He looks up at her and this time when their eyes meets, the painfully tense moment from earlier is no longer there. It's just them.
Blue meets brown meets blue.
"Here," Nathan says gently, reaching out to take her hand, slipping the bracelet on her. His lets his hand linger on the spot – just beneath her wrist – where, if he presses just a little bit more, he'd feel Haley's pulse. He gently trails the ends of his fingers as he lets her go.
"Don't ever say I never gave you anything."
And it's his sweet, charming line for tonight. But it isn't a flippant banter. He wants to make Haley smile, wants to make her remember him, even in passing. Even if he's going to be That Cracker Jack Guy she'd vaguely remember a few years from now.
Nathan says it seriously too, the words coming from somewhere he had never though had actually existed before. That warm, little corner of his heart.
Smug bastard that he is, he's a hopeless romantic after all.
The shocking revelation instantly sets Haley apart from all the other girls who had never touched that part of him. She's the first one. And from this night on, that space belongs to her now. It's where she'll live when this night is finally over, when he has to go back to Tree Hill and leave Oak Lake for good. It's truly the only bright thing he'd ever have from this day.
That and the memory of her blushing. Pink tainted cheeks. Even in the darkened interior of the car the sweetness of that blush glows. A light of its own. And it's cute. Haley's cute when she's blushing.
"Thanks." Haley tells him, her voice slightly cracking. He can see her swallowing hard as she bent down to examine each of the plastic charms.
It's a small gift and he's heartened by the fact that she seems touched with the gesture. She blinks up at him, "You know what I remember?" Haley says this in a soft murmur, her lips barely moving.
Nathan shakes his head. He has no idea and he wants to know. He wants to know every little detail of that memory. Something of herself that she'll share with him.
She closes her eyes, "Paul and Holly."
This is lost on Nathan. And when Haley sensed the bewildered silence from him, she lets out a small, delicate laugh.
"Breakfast at Tiffany's."
She explains the scene to him, recites the line before closing her eyes again, watching the movie inside her head. She leans her head against the glass, lips upturned in a secret smile.
Nathan immediately claims that smile for himself. He'll always remember her this way. The light from outside forming a barely-there halo around her. She's perfect. And so beautiful in ways that he had never, ever seen before.
"Good movie huh?" He asks after a few second of silence, wanting to hear more, wanting to see more of that smile.
Haley nods her head. She tilts her head to look up at him, "It's one of Lucas's favorite books. He did like the film, I guess since he'd watch it every time Brooke begged him to." The smile on her face remains frozen for a second before cracking entirely as she takes a short gasp of breath, pausing for a second and looking away. "Brooke loved that movie."
The mention of Brooke sets out a different play of emotions on her face. Her eyes dim a little and she starts biting and chewing on her lower lips, as though the pressure of her teeth against the flesh of her mouth made her concentrate on keeping the tears at bay. Her jaws silently work and Nathan can imagine how her throat must feel right now. Thick with tears. Burning with words that wouldn't, couldn't escape past that place from deep within her heart.
She knew. Of course she knew about Lucas and Brooke. Hadn't Brooke told him that?
Nathan glances at Haley, feels something inside of him twisting in ugly recoil. What would Haley tell him if he told her that he knew? He knew everything. She'd ask him why of course, why would Brooke tell you that? Why would you go looking for me in the cemetery? Why would you go to Karen's café? Why would she tell you to come find me?
All those why's, it would lead to one thing only. Lucas. Because Lucas is my brother. I owe him this.
Well, two things actually. But the other reason has absolutely nothing to do with Lucas and everything to do with Haley.
"You know what I remember?" Nathan asks, reaching out to briefly touch her bracelet, almost wary of her skin.
Haley doesn't say anything but she looks up at him with her huge, watery brown eyes and Nathan swallows past the burning lump on his throat.
God, she's so beautiful.
Nathan takes a deep breath, withdrawing his hand. "Alfalfa and Darla."
Haley looks at him uncomprehendingly, "Wha-"
Paul and Holly. Alfalfa and Darla. Those were rings. No one gave anyone a bracelet. It was just them. Nathan and Haley and he especially like that fact. He can feel his heart beating wildly inside his chest and he briefly feels disoriented. Nathan momentarily forgets that he's not supposed to touch her. He moves closer, reaching out to take her hand in his. The same hand where he had slipped the bracelet minutes ago. Nathan feels that he had just handed Haley his heart together with that bracelet and from now on it is hers. She probably doesn't realize it, but that's okay.
"'I had to eat six boxes of Cracker Jacks to find it!'" Nathan quotes that famous line. Haley gives him a blank stare. "Little Rascals." He tells her as her eyes widen in utter bewilderment. He watches as Haley's face scrunches up with uncertainty and then, her whole face clears up and she suddenly bursts out giggling, loud, free, and ringing – the sound so not like the thousands of silver little bells, but pure and beautiful nonetheless.
"What?" She asks, her face a picture of momentary happiness, forgetfulness. Bliss.
He'd made her laugh and something pushes past Nathan's walls and it bursts out, glowing painfully hot inside of him. He starts chuckling and then suddenly, he's laughing with her. Quoting Little Rascals, Alfalfa to be exact. It certainly isn't something to impress girls but with the way Haley is laughing now. He feel as though his chest has expanded to accommodate the sound of her laughter. It fills up the car and flows right into him. Haley has a wonderful laugh.
"Oh my God, I… just, I'm sorry," Haley leans towards him, still laughing, "I just cannot see you watching Little Rascals."
Nathan arches his eyebrows, holding his laughter in, trying to sound wounded. "Oh, 'cause I was a jock?"
Haley shakes her head, tries to stop her giggling. "No, no, I didn't mean it that way." She paused before starting off with another giggling fit. "Well, maybe a little." Her eyes twinkle painfully. "I don't see how you could like someone like Alfalfa." She tells him hiccupping a little.
"I don't like him." Nathan pouts at her and this only made her laughter even harder.
"Oh yes you do."
Nathan rolls his eyes. "So, I kinda do. So what?"
Haley gives him a look of disbelief. "Why, 'cause you were a scrawny, little kid?" She shakes her head. "You were, weren't you?"
"Ha. Ha. Ha." Nathan answers back good-naturedly. Laugh all you want but Little Rascals is a classic. It's old school." Nathan said, trying to sound indignant.
Haley arches her eyebrows up at him, "Is that how the cool kids say it?" And then another peal of laughter. It echoes around him and Nathan couldn't help but smile at her.
"Very funny. Let it all out."
Haley takes a deep breath, straightens her back and shakes her head. She finally seemed to have gotten her laughter under control and after a few seconds, she looks up at him straight in the eye, "You just surprised me, Nathan."
"Good surprise, bad surprise?" Nathan asks.
Haley seems to think about this for a fraction of a heartbeat before beaming at him. "Good surprise. Definitely." She holds her stare, before blinking back down to shyly tuck a strand of stray hair behind her ears.
Nathan watches her for a few minutes, trying to memorize the way her eyes had twinkled when she laughed. He thinks this is probably something he'd like to do over and over again. Make her laugh. Her assumption of course are correct, he was a scrawny little kid, but he's far from being the geeky, romantic, golden-hearted little boy being bullied by other kids. In fact, if he thought about it, Alfalfa is more like… Lucas.
The realization must have come to her as it did him and cursing himself for not having thought about this thoroughly, he starts to apologize, Haley surprises him as she leans forward and hugs him, settling her head against his chest, crushing the Cracker Jack in between them.
"Thanks." She murmurs gently, the warmth of her breath seeping through his clothes. Nathan brings an arm around her shoulder, not pressing her into him, just holding her. He isn't sure if she's crying. He doesn't feel the burn of her tears, just the rhythmic sound of her breathing.
Nathan hopes those tears she wouldn't let fall won't end up poisoning her, like it did to all the other people he knew who kept everything inside – and that includes his own father, his own mother and himself.
"I'm glad, Nathan." Haley says quietly.
"About what?" Nathan asks, his chin brushing against her soft hair.
"About you being a good surprise."
Nathan can feel her lips moving against his shirt and he finally surrenders to the feel of having Haley inside his arms.