Title: Twenty Three
Category: TV Shows » One Tree Hill
Author: purplemud
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M
Genre: Angst/Romance
Note: WHAT? WHAAAAAT? Oh wow. Yeah, I have an update. Look at that. It's been long overdue and I am so, so, very sorry for taking me this long to post something. I haven't given up on this fic yet and I still spend a lot of time wondering and thinking how I can start writing this again, picking up where I left of. I have the basic flow of the story, but it's the filling in of the details that's driving me crazy. So here's what I came up with…I hope it isn't too much of a disappointment, I mean, I don't know if readers are still interested with this story but I just needed to finish it for myself. The quarantine had me binge watching OTH and it was lovely rediscovering my love for this show and for Naley. I have been writing this chapter on and off for the past years. I wrote it and scrapped it and wrote again and scrapped it again and so this is like version number one hundred and forty five-ish. Anyway, my many, many grateful thanks for giving this fic another chance.

Fifteen- Interlude

Their last year in Stanford was a blur of activities. So many things to do, so many projects to finish, so many letters sent and received. Envelopes of regrets from publishing houses piling up on his desk, he had stopped counting how many times he had been turned down. All the reasons were becoming familiar and they had, thankfully, stopped cutting him. Either he had grown a thicker skin over the past few months, or the phrase, "You are an incredibly talented writer but this is not what we are looking for right now", had lost its power to hurt him.

Maybe, he had gotten used to disappointments, had finally grown enough to realize that it wasn't always personal. Sometimes things were just beyond his control. And more importantly, if things weren't always good, it didn't mean that he wasn't good.

He had learned to accept certain things. But not all. That would have been impossible. But the four years away from Oak Lake made him see things from a far, from this perspective. Well, distance plus time, equals relief. All the hurt seems so long ago, so trivial – well, ok not trivial, but it was in the past. Its ability to hurt him had diminished over the years.

Lucas had come to realize that it didn't have the power to wound him anymore. Not like before, and hopefully, not ever.

And that was his one triumph that he would always treasure.

All the drama from his younger years – a son abandoned by his father, a younger half-brother who hated his guts, leaving the town he grew up in, nothing left behind, no looking back, completely cutting off ties with childhood friends and boyhood memories and then: a glorious high school, like a phoenix rising from the ashes – all of that was the complete, total opposite of his years in Stanford

Stanford was simpler. Normal. It was the Lucas Scott and Haley James Show, with the occasional but very brief (thank God!) appearances of Damien West.

Stanford was four years of trying to figure out who he is, what he is here for. Basically all the 'why's' of his existence. After all, you can't be young and not ask these kinds of questions. In fact, you can't be human without succumbing to these melancholy musings.

The problem was, all of those 'musings', at least to Lucas, were all so very… ordinary.

A cliché.

Lucas had an on-going love/hate relationship with clichés. On one hand, it was the truth, on the other; it was just a tiring kind of truth. He was a writer (or at least he was trying to be one) and he was supposed to avoid clichés, and not be a walking definition of it.

So Lucas spent most of his time learning, experiencing and writing. Always writing. Every waking moment, pen in hand and words churning inside his head, hastily scribbled across blank pages, ink spreading, from one side of the paper all the way to the end: letters marching in a single line, off to some place.

There was no destination yet, just aimless ramblings that, on some days, made him feel invincible, like he has a glowing, burning thing inside of him that was precious and would escape and fly free and touch people's heart, their souls. Some days though, it felt like he was nothing but a sham – this writing thing, this dream – it made him feel small and embarrassed and doubtful.

He was always caught in between these two emotions, like a little boat in a wide ocean of self-discovery, unanchored and swaying from one realization to another; tossed by the waves of confusion and winds of indecision.

His existence, so prosaic, so un-epic.

It was his greatest dilemma, really. Lucas knew he had something to say, a story to tell, but what story?

And, without meaning to, he drifted about. And yes, he had to admit, he tended to be just a little bit detached, a little bit of an outsider, looking in on things. A certified Life Spectator.

It wasn't like he endeavored to be the shy, quiet guy. It was just how he was. Lucas thought of his college years in Basketball Terms. His Benched Years. He was still part of the game, he just didn't get the same amount of playing time like the rest of the Star Players. And he was fine with that.

Truth be told, he hated being the center of attention. It may have been due to the fact that he grew up with people giving him second, knowing looks. He often wondered about it, had in fact at one time asked him mom why people were always staring at him. And it was a different kind of stare. They didn't look at the other kids that way.

It had made him feel so painfully self-conscious. It took him a few more years to figure out that he was the town's dirty, little (open) secret and he finally understood what the unwanted attention was for. Understanding it didn't mean that he got used to it. He grew up wanting the cover of shadows, the cape of invisibility.

It might sound sad and depressing to other people, especially those who didn't know him personally, but being an observer was never something that bothered him. Most people liked to assume things.

So he squinted his eyes, maybe more than necessary, and would often look far off into the horizon. So his brooding demeanor was always his default mode. But it didn't mean that he was gut wrenchingly lonely. Not always anyways.

He wasn't even anti-social. He has friends. Just a handful true, but their friendship was deeply rooted, their lives forever entwined. And yes, sometimes they go out and have crazy fun times. You'd just usually find him sitting back and watching the craziness unfold before, maybe, joining in.

He was the kind of guy who'd remember everything the morning after. He drank, partied, attended concerts, done his time in the mosh pit (hurtling himself with gleeful abandon against total strangers), there were some singing in the rain and (that one time) walking around the hallways of Oak Lake, naked, with just a basketball covering him up (Damien's idea of a 'Welcome To The Team Sort of Hazing').

He does go out with friends to have a good time. Just not in the excessive, almost tragic kind of way. Everything in moderation. That was essentially how he had spent his years in Stanford.

He wasn't like Haley who just dives right in, not in gleeful abandon, of course, but with measured care. She has a list of "Pros" and "Cons" for everything. Everything. And she was always so full of insight, everything she had ever written were thoughtful, mature and tons helpful.

Maybe that was why he had never done anything really stupid while he was in Stanford, because he'd always check with Haley's Pros and Cons. Her lists were that convincing. She was probably the only careful carefree-spirit he knew, which made her Haley.

And so it really wasn't a surprise that after his graduation, he had lived a relatively quiet life in Los Angeles, renting a two bedroom apartment, the room he reserved for Haley whenever she visited him.

Los Angeles wasn't really his choice. It was Haley's idea. She had off handedly mentioned wanting to live in Los Angeles, because it was so easy to lose yourself there. So many opportunities to discover what you really want to do with your life. She could completely reinvent herself, it would be an adventure and then maybe, in the end she'd end up wanting to go back as just Haley James, nothing less and nothing more.

LA seemed like the perfect place for it. That was until her big break up with Damien West.

It was a couple of months before their graduation and unlike his colleagues, who were all excited and couldn't wait to finally graduate, he had been in turmoil about it. He'd been packing and unpacking and repacking again, caught between grips of indecision: some days, Lucas would like to stay here for another year, see how it goes.

A week ago, he was certain he wanted to go back home to Oak Lake, sit by the café window, and catch up with old friends. He could write from there, and see how it goes. Yesterday, he thought New York would be an adventure he'd like to take, alone, a first in his life, without his mom or Haley. That would be an experience worth writing about. And then Lucas was also sure that next week, a trip to Europe will definitely sound too life changing of an opportunity to pass up. Go from London, Paris, hitch and hike to Spain. Stare at the space where the Berlin wall used to be. Ireland had always, strangely, called out to him.

His list of To Do's was endless, filled with scratched out items. He has so, so little time to do everything and to think of everything. The problem was, he wants to do it all – the travelling, the writing, the living of his dreams – it felt like if he didn't do it now, he wouldn't be able to do it ever again.

"Don't rush, Luke." Haley said, glancing at the state of his half-packed, half-unpacked room. "Take a day off; go somewhere quiet and just…breath, ok?" She leaned over to give him a kiss on his forehead, smiling almost sadly, before going off someplace on her own too, probably to do the same thing.

Those days Lucas wasn't sure anymore what Haley was up to. She had suddenly become too quiet, sometimes even distant. Maybe it was normal. After all, graduating from college is a big thing.

Between the two of them though, Lucas was sure that Haley will do just fine. Haley had always been good with change and had embraced it with both enthusiasm and curiosity. She had always been more: "Oh, yeah, Change! Bring it on!" kind of person, whereas he was a professional Change Avoider.

There was something comforting about facing deadlines, following curriculums and schedules. Even rules. There was a structure to this kind of existence. It was reliable. And he had gotten used to the patterns of his life here in Stanford. Leaving all these behind would be…jarring.

Like suddenly turning the mirror around and it's your face you see, you're the central figure now. And you're face looks like one huge question mark.

What do YOU want to do?

Well, the problem was, the answer to that question kept on changing. Lucas had wondered if maybe this was why Haley had been a little distant. Maybe she was also trying to get used to just being Haley. Because after this, they both know that they're bound to go off their separate ways. She was going to try and follow her dreams of becoming a musician, wherever that will lead her and he was about to do the same thing with his writing.

Immediately working for anything connected to the publishing industry seemed like a good way to start but what kind of experience will he have working on a 9-5 job? Wouldn't it be better to go on an epic road trip that is without reason and destination? Just follow the road, live one day at a time, one adventure leading to another. That seemed thrillingly scary.

Lucas had been thinking of his many options, and he hadn't really notice it before, but had become suddenly clear that all of his immediate future plans didn't include Haley. Her presence had somehow receded, had fallen back. Everything now was about what he would like to do next. Where he wanted to go. This split from Haley had started quietly but now he could sense it in everything that they were doing.

The only reason why Lucas wasn't panicking yet was because he knew that this was the right path to take. He wasn't scared of the time they'll be spending away from each other, or the many miles they will have between them. They will always be best friend. He was soul-sure of that. It just felt that their impending separation, like everything else, was happening too soon.

Haley's strange behavior suddenly become clear. One night, Haley had quietly confessed that while they were mapping out their future, Damien was still going to be stuck in Arizona. Maybe for another year, maybe take up a different major.

She had been trying to decide whether it would be best for their relationship if she put her dreams on hold for him and follow him to Arizona instead.

"It's not like I can't sing there, right?"

But when he had prodded, eventually, he found out the reason why: Damien wasn't going to graduate and he didn't plan on graduating anytime soon. Lucas suspected that Damien was delaying the inevitable. There were no NBA offers in the horizon and West had unfortunately, planned his whole life around the notion that he will play for the NBA and now that option was gone…

Lucas had actually truly, felt bad for Damien. He knew the pain of losing basketball and it was never easy to let go of something that you have loved, believed in and dreamed of for the longest time. How quickly things could spiral out of control or get dark and confusing. Having experienced it, he thought he'd do Haley a favor and talk to Damien, in hopes that he'd at least listen to what Lucas had to say. Aside from Haley, he and Damien had a mutual love for the game and maybe that was all that Damien needed, someone who knew exactly what he was going through.

This was why he had reluctantly accepted Haley's request to come with her when she visited Damien for Christmas break, try to cheer him up.

Well, the little fucker didn't need any cheering up after all.

It had surprisingly started out well. He and Damien weren't exactly exchanging hugs, but there were a few jokes shared and some actual conversation that didn't veer towards Damien accusing Lucas of trying to steal Haley, or Lucas calling out Damien's assholey-ness. In fact, there was general peace and goodwill to all mankind vibe.

Until that fateful afternoon when Haley had gone out by herself to do her last minute Christmas shopping. This was about the only crazy thing she does, everything else was always well planned and scheduled in advanced. Except her holiday shopping. She always did the panicked rushing to the malls, wrestling away gifts from other shoppers every year. Lucas was sure that Haley secretly enjoyed this holiday chaos. With Haley gone, Lucas had decided to walk around town for a bit and return before dinner time. There wasn't any reason to hang out with Damien. And even if there were, despite the unspoken truce between them, Lucas wasn't planning on spending time with West any more than he was required, which was whenever Haley was around.

There were only two things that he could have done differently. He could've just stayed put and suffered a few hours of one-word, nod, and shrug exchange with West. Or he could have come back at a different time.

Well, he did neither.

His capacity for bad timing was well known and an accepted fact around their circle of friends. His timing sucked ass. Big time. And on the night where things were supposed to be jolly and bright, he accidentally walked in on Damien West with a girl. In the shower.

Of course, being Damien, that transgression was apparently not enough, because, hold on to your hats, aside from shower girl Carrie, he was also having some sort of side-fling going on with another girl named Rene, who he also didn't warn about the presence of his actual girlfriend visiting him for the weekend. As shower girl was hastily getting dressed, in comes Rene wearing a skimpy Santa outfit.

Unfuckingbelievable.

So of course, there was some exchange of words that quickly escalated to a long-time coming brawl. He got a cut right above his eyes and he busted Wests's nose. About the only good thing that happened that night.

Damien, being his typical jackass self, walked out with the girl, Carrie, the crazy bitch, leaving him with a bloody face and an upturned apartment. The blonde hooker Santa had bailed ages ago. Lucas remembered standing amidst the chaos, thinking: what was he going to tell Haley?

Well, the truth for one thing. Because Damien wasn't going to tell her that. And how did he know this? Because Damien had in fact told him that he will just deny everything and they'll just have to see who Haley will believe.

The stupid fucking idiot.

Lucas was only too happy that Haley had not been there to bear witness to all the chaos. He called Haley, grabbed her stuff and met her outside the mall where he promptly asked which bag she was carrying held her gift for Damien. She had looked at him open mouthed, the shock on her face was clear as she gazed at his bloodied face. When she wordlessly held it out for him, Lucas had taken it from her hand and viciously flung it to the trash.

He told everything on their way to the airport. That he didn't end up killing West was a miracle. He had wanted to tie up West, call the whole James cavalry and wait until they arrive, because they can and will start doing some major reckoning. He had never been an aggressive kind of person, and in fact the only thing he felt violently opposed to was fighting. But that night when he told her what had happened, when Haley had stood in front of him, looking as though he had just physically struck her, he knew he could be capable of doing something that might even make Taylor James proud. You have to know, cruelty was Taylor's expertise during that time. She had mellowed out after a couple of years, but if he had called up Tayor then, she might have castrated West and worn his balls around her neck. Gory but not totally impossible.

Before leaving Damien's wreck of an apartment he did find a super glue and well… let's just say Damien wasn't going to be too happy about his ridiculously priced designer shoes glued underneath his bed. Or his beloved Oak Lake jersey glued at the back of the toilet. Or his super expensive suit glued to the hanger. Or, well, you get the idea. It was childish and immature and Taylor would probably laugh at him, but it was the best that he could do under the situation.

Painful and humiliating.

What could be worse than those two feelings combined?

Lucas never uttered the words 'I told you so,' because he wasn't that kind of person who, while bandaging the wounds in one hand, would also be waving the flag of 'See I'm Right, I Win' in the other.

That was just being extremely, unnecessarily cruel. But maybe Haley felt it in the many weeks that they had spent sleeping on the same bed, just being silent and staring at the ceiling. In the silence, the unspoken 'I told you so' seemed to endlessly echo, bouncing off from one wall to another. He had tried to fill in the silence with words of comfort but Haley would only turn her back against him, face hidden beneath her pillow. So he kept quiet.

Grief have several stages, or so they say. Well, it's the same with silence. There's the silence of denial. Which lasted about 5 seconds, and happened when they were trying to get tickets back to California. That was a good sign at least. Then there's anger which he thought Haley handled pretty well. The only evidence of her anger had been the immediate removal of everything Damien West in her life.

There wasn't any bargaining, because Haley James may be hurt right now, but she's a damn smart girl. And so instead of bargaining, there was, oddly, guilt.

Lucas could sense guilt in her. It had that strange, bitter, heavy aroma. Haley had her dark days when she wouldn't get up, even to take a shower and Lucas figured, it could be that. But the smell was everywhere – even when he was outside their apartment. Until he realized that yes, it was the scent of guilt. Because he was feeling it too and the scent was coming off from him.

He could've done more, said more… he could have done something to have prevented this from happening. He couldn't understand why Haley would feel guilty. Damien had cheated on her. It had nothing to do with her. It was all on Damien. It didn't matter what she did. She could have been the world's hottest, most perfect girlfriend. She could have been an utter manipulative bitch of a girlfriend to Damien. In the end, it was West's decision to be a lying, two-faced, scumbag.

When he told Haley this, she gave him that blank-looking stare and suddenly choked out a small laugh. "Lucas, you dolt," she said, in what sounded like the old Haley that Lucas had been missing the past couple of weeks. "You shouldn't feel guilty too. Because no matter what you have done or said, it was also my decision to go out with Damien. So let's not both be guilty, ok?"

And slowly the pervading scent of guilt faded. Still, there were times when Lucas felt that Haley was holding on to her grief, to her heart ache a little too much, needlessly prolonging it instead of just letting go, moving on and completely forgetting about Damien.

Haley had said and assured him a thousand times, she needed to pick up the pieces of all her broken plans and her broken self on her own. Or else she'll never really learn and she'll just end up trusting and giving her heart away to the wrong person. "I guess, what I mean is, I have to remember the pain, Luke."

Lucas didn't really agree or understand. But all he could do was support her the best way he can. "Yeah, but don't treasure it, Hales. It isn't precious."

Haley was quiet for a few minute, before nodding her head. "I know."

She wanted tough love and Lucas reluctantly gave it to her, hence, this little bit of space between them. He hated Damien for being the reason for this distance. He missed his old best friend Haley but he knew that a better version of Haley would emerge from this and if missing her for a couple of weeks were what it took, then he'll endure.

And the silence of depression? Well, Lucas distinctly remembered the night they came back from Arizona, after Haley had fallen asleep crying. He had listened to that silence and for a brief moment, he had wished, madly, insanely, that he could just fall in love with Haley and then everything in his life will just somehow, magically, fall in to place.

It was perfect: they'd fall in love, graduate, go back to Oak Lake, get married, he'd write for the local newspaper, maybe even start that novel he had always dreamed about, she could be a high school teacher and they can have cute, little, perfect Stanford babies.

It would be the easiest thing in the world to do. They had already lived in a world all on their own and they knew each other like the back of their hands. He tried to imagine what it will be like to love Haley that way, but either he didn't try hard enough or it just wasn't meant to be. Falling in love just didn't work that way.

Love could be rational or logical – in the long run, it could even be learned. You just have to be patient about it. Love is a tame-able emotion. It will settle down, mellow out. Just wait when you get older. But falling-in-love, especially at their age? You can say good bye to rational and logical. This was the time for the sweetly vague, for the earth-shatteringly instantaneous.

Falling in love is completely irrational. Without reason, so utterly illogical. You just feel it. Over time, you can maybe even understand it, but you can never, ever pin point one single reason for falling in love. It was just impossible. You could try and if you succeed, Lucas will be very interested in meeting you.

What he felt for Haley, Lucas had it all worked out. It was one of the few things that he actually understood. He loved Haley because she was his sister. Maybe not by blood, but by their million-shared memories, a lifetime of experiences, each one of them had taken roots inside of them. Roots that had bounded them to each other and had made them family.

Lucas's family had always been small and tightly-knitted. Maybe too small and too tightly-knitted. But who else was there? His mother was an only child and so there weren't any aunts or uncles from her side. There was his Uncle Keith who is essentially his father. He wasn't sure what his mom and Keith were waiting for, but they ought to have been married by now and he would have to do something about that soon.

That was it. That was his family.

Lucas knew he could accommodate more, in his hearts of heart, he knew he would love to include more, but that was not the case. At least not now. Maybe later.

After all, that hazy kid-wish, boyhood-dream of a large, happy family hadn't really left him. He had learned to accept and love and fiercely protect the family that he has. But yes, he would always wish for his real father and his half brother to be a part of his life. He would always hope for a reconciliation. Why fight it? It was too tiring. To deny that would be to deny who he is and who he had become. So, there it is. Despite everything that had happened in the past, he still wanted what he could not have. And he was fine with it.

It was both sad and silly, but that's the truth.

What good was a best friend if you didn't know the cure for a broken heart?

He tried everything: Cookie dough, Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy, TV (lots of TV), alcohol (that didn't go well, Haley just ended up puking on herself, which she blamed on him), he even went as far as suggesting doing a burning a ritual.

Haley sniffling turned to look at him, giving him a blank stare. "A what?"

"You know, we wear our pajamas, go outside and burn everything that is about Damien."

"Are you crazy? There will be no burning outside, in our pajamas, unless you want to get arrested for, oh, I don't know, several things."

In the end, Lucas figured that the only cure is time, many a cup of good strong coffee, and just quietly sitting together, listening to music or reading books.

And one day, while they were quietly hanging out on their small living room, sunlight piercing through the curtains, sunbeams slicing against their floor, the faint of glow of spring, a hint of promise, of new beginnings, finally, the silence of acceptance.

A week before their graduation Haley told him that she wanted to go back to Oak Lake. She wanted to be home for a few months before she could decide on what new adventure she'd embark on. She didn't care about West. She wasn't going to hide out. Besides it would be better for everyone to get used to her just being her. No Lucas or Damien with her, none of her older brothers and sisters surrounding her in a protective wall. She missed home. She had wanted to escape from Oak Lake only to find out in the end that it had a stronger hold on her. And when she had asked him where he was going, he remembered everything Haley had told him about LA and grinning like an idiot, he answered, "City of Dream, Hales."

She clearly had not expected that from him. She was so thrilled for him. The way her eyes had grown huge, her small yelp of shock before she took his hand and practically started happily hopping like a little kid, it seemed to have made his decision all the more perfect.

"Oh Luke! I think LA will be perfect for you! I think it would surprise you so much!"

"You do? I mean it's so far from home –"

Haley shook her head, stopping him mid sentence. "Home is here." She answered tapping her heart. "And it gives me the perfect excuse to go to LA once in a while. I have a feeling LA will be where you'll have the most fun. Maybe even meet someone new." She smiled up at him. All drama from He Who Shall Now Be Named Asshole had put Haley's matchmaking mission on hold and they had not talked about Lindsey or Brooke Davis or any girl for that matter.

It had been a welcome relief for Lucas. He thought he would like to shift his focus from his non-existent love life to trying to figure out what his place was in this whole grand of scheme. He had been Lucas Scott, son, half brother, high school star basketball player, college student and now what? Would he be Lucas Scott, struggling writer next? Maybe a city wanderer first and then think of something different later.

So much possibilities he would like to further explore. And maybe if he stopped searching for love, it will finally come to him.

Lucas chuckled. "Yeah. Who knows, huh?"

"I am going to miss you so much buddy."

"Not as much as I'd miss you. Do you think this is the right –"

"You already know the answer to that. Go! Have fun and tell me all about it."

And tell Haley he would. Including the fact that yes, he did in fact met someone new: Peyton Sawyer.