Preface
This story requires some introduction and warnings. I encourage you to read this preface, as I think it will help you better understand the story or choose not to proceed if you will find some of the topics unpleasant or triggering.
This is not a happy story. I do not write happy stories, and I have a much darker view of Legolas (and other characters, elven or otherwise) than some other writers. I choose to write this way because I find it personally interesting, and it is my view of what one would expect of someone who lived the life he has lived. Some readers may feel that this is OOC or AU. I don't. I know that the books do not represent Legolas the same way that I do. However, just as many darker truths have been removed from histories, the fact that it was not written does not mean it never happened.
That being said, be warned. My last long story, Sing to Me, was about depression. This is a sequel, and by extension this story is also going to be about depression, dysfunction, and damage. Some topics may not be enjoyable for some readers. However, it is also a story about love, commitment, friendship, growth, and hope. It is not intended to be depressing.
I completed Sing to Me, this story's prequel, in 2015. Many things in my life have since changed. I write because I have something to say, and I pick the imagery, thoughts, and devices that I think best express the message. Therefore, there may be some inconsistencies in detail between this story and Sing to Me. I have picked the devices that will most effectively tell this story, even if they do not fit with earlier writings. Please forgive these if you notice them. I have not read over Sing to Me since I wrote it, and therefore I am going mostly from memory and following my heart. Think of this as a sequel in spirit rather than in exact detail. Also, because of this, I have taken care to write this so that it can be read as a stand-alone piece. Still, reading Sing to Me first would provide a deeper understanding of the characters, relationships, and themes this story contains, and I suggest you do that first if you haven't already.
Also, my Legolas is gay. I feel a bit silly warning about this but here we are. This is not a fetishisation; Legolas is gay because I am gay, and I have neither the desire nor the ability to write about straight relationships. If this bothers you, don't continue.
All chapter names are references to or excerpts from music (with the exception of Chapter 1: The Acorn).I have not credited these in the text, as I believe having a footnote for every chapter title would get distracting. If you notice these references and what I drew them from, then know I have done so with the greatest respect for the artists and their work. If you would like to know the references, leave me a review asking about them and I will send you a list.
The title is a reference to the poem Bluebird by Charles Bukowski, which follows below.
I hope you enjoy Of Bluebirds.
– Vanimalion
– X –
Bluebird
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the whores and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?
— Charles Bukowski
Chapter 1: The Acorn
The ocean was calm as the boat danced towards the Undying Lands. Its timbers were painted white and green, and upon its mast hung a sail bearing the stitched image of a single oak leaf. The vessel was small, and it rode lightly on the waves. Even from afar it looked like something well-made and well cared for, and that was because it was. Upon its side was carefully painted in the common speech "The Acorn".
The Acorn was a good ship. It was long and slender, and it flew with the wind, carrying its small cargo into the future. It had beneath its deck two beds along the inside of the hull, one high and long, one short and low to the ground. There were no windows, but the ceiling of the hold had inverted diamonds of glass that pulled the light from the sky and sent it spilling into the tiny cabin. There was a small brazier for cooking, and the hold held barrels of potatoes, carrots, onions, apples, and other consumable things. A fishing rod, net, and line were held on hooks next to the ladder that led to the trap door opening onto the deck. The Acorn was a lovely, warm, welcoming vessel; even on its maiden voyage it felt like an old and trusted friend, and it had carried its passengers safely. Their journey was now nearly at its end.
The inhabitants of The Acorn were an odd pair. One tall, fair, and seemingly young, the other small, stout, and grey with age. The taller of the two held the sail and steered the ship as they were sprayed by the cool sea mist, a welcome relief from the heat of the sun.
After some time the wind died and the ocean fell still. They could see the mountains on their horizon, but it was clear that they would not make their destination before nightfall. They decided to drop anchor and settle for the night early.
After a light dinner they sat upon the deck as the sea stretched around them, mirror-like and still. They could see the sky reflected double, and the whole world turned orange as the sun sank below the jagged mountains on the horizon. They lay in the balmy evening and watched the stars emerge.
After a while Legolas spoke. "They are different stars, ones I have not seen before. We are no-longer in Middle-Earth, Gimli."
"Aye Laddie," came the gruff reply, "even I can see it."
They let the silence breathe. It was comfortable. They had long since learned that they did not need to speak to be content.
After some time Gimli spoke again, "What do you expect to find?"
Legolas smiled. "Somehow I thought you would have asked that question years ago."
"I have learned not to ask too many questions, especially if I want answers. So far you have not led me to my death, that is good enough for me."
"It heartens me to know you have at least some standards."
Gimli snorted. "Your humour does not ripen with age."
Legolas smiled but did not respond, for he was still mulling over Gimli's question. He thought for a few moments, then at length he said, "I expect beauty like nothing you or I have seen before."
"We have seen great beauty," Gimli replied.
"So we have," Legolas thought of their travels — of their adventures through the Greenwood and Fangorn, and their foray into the Glittering Caves, which he had to admit he had enjoyed and appreciated much more than he had ever thought possible, "but I said 'unlike', not 'greater than'. It will be different. It is said that between Valinor and Middle-Earth no two types of tree, animal, or insect are the same. All of it will be new, and everything we have left behind will be lost to us, and never will we see their like again." He could not ignore the sea longing, but it would have been dishonest to pretend that part of him had not thought twice about leaving, and still, sometimes in the dead of night, thought about going back.
"Aye, and those will be sorely missed. Yet new adventures await. And for you some things will be the same, no?" Gimli glanced over, studying his companion's face, watching for any subtle changes that would say more than his words.
Legolas frowned slightly, "What do you mean?"
"You will see family again?"
The silence was longer this time. The thought had crossed Legolas' mind of course, but it had always been abstract, never a possibility of something that might /actually happen/. Now, on the eve of his arrival, he felt himself stupid for not having considered the matter more seriously.
"Yes," Legolas said hesitantly. He could see Gimli's eyebrows raise at his delayed response — he must have noticed the uncertainty, for he was far more perceptive than he let on. "Yes, I imagine I will. I will see my father of course, but I will also meet my mother and my twin sister Erien again — I believe I have mentioned her before. Both of them were slain when I was young, but I knew Erien for longer. She was slain when we were just older than children, and she should have been granted a new life. And I will see my wife. And perhaps also my old valet is here, Allaë. He was a dear friend also, but sadly he also was taken by orcs while traveling to Imladris, very many years ago now. And there are others, of course, many of whom are familiar to you as well."
"You will not be short of company." A slight breeze picked up, scattering the reflection of the moon and sky on the water as the last hint of sunlight slipped behind the mountains. The boat rocked slightly, comfortingly.
"Neither will you. They will learn to appreciate you as I have." Legolas closed his eyes, savoured the breeze, the slight movement, the quiet. He did not know what he would find upon the shore, but he enjoyed the moments of limbo like this one, when he was going somewhere and for a few hours all he had to do was wait.
"Perhaps they will, but I have never met an elf with a taste for ale, and I will miss it sorely once my casks have run dry." Gimli grumbled, but he had brought many casks of ale indeed — they took up almost half of the ship's hold.
"Maybe there is one in this new land who will enjoy brewing it with you." Legolas smiled, not yet opening his eyes, "There are many new friends to meet. There is bound to be someone who shares your terrible taste."
"Hah, that would be a rare sight indeed!" Gimli laughed.
"Agreed," Legolas sat up, reached for his skin of tea. It was still warm. He drank, then passed the skin to Gimli. "Yet we are also a rare sight, and here we are, in the flesh. There is much space and time in the world for exceptionally rare things to occur every now and again."
The wind picked up again, blowing in from the East. Legolas checked the anchor and made sure the sails were secure. "We will pick up anchor at sunrise tomorrow and arrive in the light of day." Part of him was grateful for the delay, although he could not explain why. There was something peaceful and soothing about the water, and the unknown, and a creeping sense of foreboding that he could not place coming from the shore.
– X –
The sun rose behind a thin mist over the sea. Legolas was already awake and active when Gimli hauled himself up the ladder and onto the deck, grumbling about the rocking in the night and his sore back. "Those beds you made, Elf, I will not miss them."
"At least I made you one. I could have let you sleep upon the floor if you would have preferred that?" He imagined Gimli rolling, barrel-like, across the floor with the movement of the ship, oblivious in his sleep. He hid a small, childish smirk.
"No, but thank you. I'll take a sore back over a broken one." Gimli accepted the cup of hot tea Legolas handed him. They both looked west, watching the light spread across the Pelóri, both privately wondering what they would find upon the shore.
The Acorn was pulling at the anchor as if anxious to be moving again with the wind, and soon they were. The land came closer and closer, the mountains growing larger.
They ran aground on a long, sandy shore, and Legolas leapt lightly from the boat into the shallow surf, feeling his feet upon the ground of the Undying Lands for the first time. He stood waist deep in the sea, rocked by the gentle waves as Gimli climbed slowly down a rope ladder into the smaller boat they had packed to carry him into shallow water. Legolas pulled the boat onto the sand and helped him step ashore. He held the dwarf's hands as he scrambled over the side of the little vessel, which was not so little when compared to him.
"Well, you didn't drown us," Gimli grumbled. He looked around, breathing heavily at the exertion. Legolas was reminded yet again how old he had become. He pushed the thought from his mind.
"No, I didn't. Let us be grateful for the good weather as much as for my limited skill." The beach was vast and white, the sand smooth, pristine and glowing in the morning sun. They were alone. They looked around, taking in the space, the height of the mountains, the unbroken, cloudless blue of the sky.
"Now what?" Gimli asked after a while. "Some welcome, eh?"
"It is Eldamar, I imagine they do not often feel pressed for time." Legolas said, privately feeling grateful for the moments of solitude to ground himself, orient himself. He took off his boots and dug his toes deep into the warm, smooth sand. A tiny, dust-coloured crab scuttled away from him, vanishing into an equally tiny hole. The breeze smelled fresh and clean.
"Why did we not land in a port, like civilised people?" Gimli grumbled, obviously less interested in small crabs than Legolas was.
"Because we are not civilised people." Legolas said wryly, watching as the crab crept slowly back out of its hole, checking that the coast was clear. "And I can navigate well enough to find the land, but not much better than that." Sailing to Aman had not come with instructions, after all.
After a while they saw a small party approaching, six elves dressed all in white and driving in three carriages pulled by white horses that Legolas noticed from a glance were unlike any horses he had seen before, lighter and stronger and more beautiful. They were making a beeline for the beached ship. When they arrived one of the elves stepped out and bowed deeply. He had a plain face and dark hair braided simply down his back.
"Welcome, my lords," he saw Gimli but made no comment, merely bowing to him in turn. "I am Ilvor, captain of The Welcome. We patrol the beach and collect those who arrive. I am pleased to welcome you to Eldamar. May I take your name?"
"Legolas Thranduilion, and this is Gimli Gloinson." Legolas unburied his feet, flicked them to get off the spare sand before pulling his boots back on.
"Ah, you have been expected soon my lords!" Ilvor beamed, showing a prominent gap between his perfectly white teeth. "The necessary arrangements have been made. We received the specifications for your lodging to be built some years ago and it is completed and awaiting your arrival. We will take you there now — I am sure you are both tired. If you provide proper instruction, my friends and I will bring you and your things to your estate so that you may rest."
Legolas nodded and thanked Ilvor, and together they boarded The Acorn so that Legolas could instruct Ilvor and his small herd of assistants on what to bring first and where in the house to put each set of items. They spoke quickly, and Ilvor's team set about with quick and competent hands, unloading the luggage onto the beach.
"You may come with me, if it pleases you, lords," said Ilvor, gesturing to the smallest and most comfortable of the carriages, which was obviously for passengers and not cargo. "I will take you to your home now, and your things will follow when they have been satisfactorily packed."
Legolas helped Gimli into the back seat, and then sat next to Ilvor in the front so that they might speak more easily.
"How am I to find my kin here?" Legolas asked after they were on their way.
"That is a good question, as Valinor is a vast and greatly inhabited realm." Said Ilvor excitedly. Every word he said was perfect, his timing precise, as if he had practiced his speech endless times. Probably in front of the mirror, Legolas thought, he never stops smiling. "However, all will be taken care of. There is a registry, you see. Residents who expect friends to arrive put their names on a list of interested parties who wish to be notified upon that individual's arrival. After we have seen you settled, we will send letters of notification to all that have requested news of your coming. No action is required of you at all!"
"You seem to have developed an efficient system," Legolas observed. The beach moved past them as they travelled north, the sand slowly becoming rougher, rockier.
"Yes, thank you," Ilvor beamed. "We value the comfort and convenience of new arrivals and we have had ample practice making establishment in Valinor as easy and free of worry as can be!"
Ilvor then told Legolas of the logistics of his arrival — of the food that would be arriving soon at his new residence, about the maps that were placed on the side table in the entryway, of the directories for the best places to buy horses, carriages, furniture, books, and many other things, the mail system, the list of festivals and sporting competitions, the time of governance meetings, and so on and so on. Everything he might need, or where he might look to get it, was written down in a small pile of pamphlets and books that had been left by The Welcome in his residence.
"Sounds like a large job, welcoming all these arrivals." Said Gimli from the back seat, stifling a yawn.
"It is," said Ilvor, "but they are not so frequent, so it is manageable. And it is important that the job be done to the highest of standards, of course! This is your next great adventure and we are committed to doing all we can to make it start well!"
– X –
The house Legolas had commissioned was built at the top of a steep hill south of Alqualondë. To its east it looked over the edge of a jagged, earthy cliff to the sea, where he could see the sun rise. To its south and west there was a vast woodland that stretched to the base of the Pelóri, and to the north he could see the city in the distance.
The house had three floors — the middle floor was at ground level at the top of the hill, and it contained the kitchen and living areas, which were bright and airy, and a small, comfortable room for guests. The bottom floor was dug into the stone, with windows cut out of the cliff wall to look out east over the sea. Gimli's private chambers were there, and much of the decoration was by his order. The upper floor belonged to Legolas. He had a spacious suite with tall windows and balconies to the north, east, and west, and a study with a wooden desk. And there was also bedroom and bathroom for a personal servant, although Legolas doubted he would need one.
A narrow road ran through the woods from the city, with a small path that split off and lead to the door. Down the side of the cliff there was a path that led to the beach. The path was steep, but not treacherous, and it provided easy access to the sea whenever he needed it.
He had designed the house himself, sent specifications for what he wanted and approximately where, local geography allowing, along with a hefty bag of gold. And now, after many years, he had arrived to see it with his own eyes.
After Ilvor had dropped them off, carried the small load of their things, delivered and unpacked their copious welcoming gift of fresh foods, showed them the directories, and wished them a "very very warm welcome indeed!", they were alone. Gimli retired to his chambers to lie down and "not see anything elvish or hear any more welcoming enthusiasm for a moment," and Legolas had climbed the stairs to his bedroom. He dropped his bag of personal belongings on the bed and walked to the western balcony overlooking the forest. He put his hands on the rails and leaned forward, breathing in, closing his eyes, taking in the smells and the taste of the air in his new home.
He wondered if he felt any different, here in Aman, but if he did it was overshadowed by the fatigue of travel and the relief that the journey had succeeded.
He hears a small noise from behind him and his eyes snapped open. It was too quiet to be Gimli. He spun around and saw Allaë, his dead valet, watching him from the doorway.
Allaë smiled slightly, his eyes unblinking, watching, "You have finally arrived."
– X –