WARNINGS: references to depression and implied attempted suicide. I guess it has a lot of feels too.
Enjoy!
She's underwater.
She is struggling, desperate for the air she's been deprived of, floundering around for something, anything to hold on to. It's dark and there's water in her lungs and she couldn't breathe.
Drowning, Juvia is drowning.
This cannot be happening, her mind supplies amidst the red blaring panic she's feeling. Impossible, ridiculous. Juvia is made of water.
Something is wrong.
There is nothing except murky water when she opens her eyes, and the burning in her lungs intensifies just as she realizes that something feels off. She takes in more water involuntarily and she feels faint, consciousness starting to leave her.
For a split second, she feels hands pulling her up just as then she blacks out.
XxX
It's white. Everything is white. Sad, hollow, dull.
There is a muted sort of hopelessness in the hospital, concealed by the hectic atmosphere and feigned optimism. It makes Juvia sick.
The headache is new, along with the memories when she woke up just an hour ago. It has been driving her crazy, but she hides it well lest she be shipped off to the psychiatric ward.
For now, she is lying on her hospital bed, thinking, thinking. Remembering.
She suppresses a hysterical laugh.
This is impossible. How could Juvia be here when she already died? She should have died. She had been dead, for a while at least. She remembers the feeling of nothingness, of being completely numb, of darkness everywhere (She is not quite sure whether that had been in her death or nothing but her default feelings for the past few months in this life, and she is also not quite sure if she wants to know.) But then, why did the universe make these memories find their way back to her?
A knock, and she pushes the thoughts to the very back of her head.
"Miss Lockser?" A woman- a cop, comes into the room and situates herself beside her bed. "I have a few questions if you don't mind."
Juvia agrees as she sits up in the bed. The woman asks her a few questions about her 'accident' just this morning, and she answers accordingly. She tries not to think about the cold, the dark, the water in her lungs. Fails.
"Is that all?" Juvia asks once the cop stands up from her chair, still writing something in her small notepad.
The woman nods, regards her for a few minutes, expression unreadable. "I'm just wrapping up, considering you really didn't jump."
Juvia did jump.
She smiles. "It was an accident. I slipped and fell."
"Of course." The woman nods again, yet she still looks skeptical but what can she do? The person involved confessed it was an accident. Juvia finds it ironic really, how she jumped and drowned almost to her death in this life, surrounded by something she had always felt safe in.
Juvia's smile is still in place as she bids good bye to the cop, but it drops immediately when the woman closes the door behind her. Her hands come up to massage at her temples.
Her lips trembles as the realization finally hits.
This Juvia's life is miserable, she hates to say that she understands why she jumped.
XxX
A few days later and she is out of the hospital. The apartment seems awfully bleak but she doesn't want to go out.
Last time she went out, she almost died. And a lifetime's worth of memories surfaced in her brain.
What a life.
Juvia sighs. She would rather stay in, hide in a home that doesn't feel like home and shut herself out of the world that seems different but not.
She tries not to but the moment she closes her eyes even in a blink, memories invade her mind. She remembers magic and guilds and people she would die for. She remembers water running through her skin like it was her blood and veins. She remembers happiness and contentment and hardships worth living to the end for.
She remembers Gray.
Letting a long exhale out through her nose, she curls up in her seat, letting the television play out but not paying attention. It's a hot day, considering it's the middle of summer and the tub of ice cream is by her feet, long finished by now. She closes her eyes.
And sees a battlefield, the last one she ever took part in. She sees fire and ruin and endless grief. She sees bodies of loved ones and the end of the world. Her world, at least. It's the last memory she ever had in that life, and it had been devastating. She sees as much as she feels the despair crawling up her arms, raising goosebumps at the mere echo of that life.
She forces her eyes open and ignores the tears pooling over her cerulean orbs. She gets up.
XxX
The frozen section is to the far back of the store and she beelines for it. Sorting through the different flavors of ice cream, she doesn't notice the woman to her left until it's too late.
They bump into each other and the other woman apologizes but Juvia is tongue-tied, shock taking over her features when she hears the familiar voice.
She looks up and is greeted by vibrant blonde locks. Her heart beat skyrockets to the roof and every part of her being aches.
The woman is looking at her, concern contorting her features and bright brown eyes filled with worry for a stranger. Juvia is reminded again how kind Lucy is, and she misses it, misses being her friend and being a friend in return.
"Are you alright? I didn't bump into you too hard, did I?" Lucy asks, hands hovering over her stiff form as if not knowing if it's okay to touch.
Juvia gives her a shaky smile, because that's all she could muster right now. "I'm alright, no need to worry." The blonde looks like she will protest, worry lines a prominent feature in her forehead and Juvia's smile widens. "I was just surprised, that's all. No harm done."
"If you say so." Lucy relents, smiling in relief. She steps back, and Juvia already misses her warmth. "I'm so sorry."
"You're fine, I'm equally at fault." Juvia looks away, turning to the ice cream displayed. It hurts to look at this Lucy, who doesn't remember Juvia and what they've been through together. A faint call of Lucy is heard an aisle down and the blonde perks up.
"That's my mom." Lucy smiles, turning to leave and Juvia's heart soars in her chest. The relief is palpable within her, flooding every inch of her at this small tidbit of information. It seems in this life; Lucy's mother is alive and well and it makes Juvia smile. "I'll see you around!"
Her smile is wide and bright, like sunshine, and Juvia watches her go.
XxX
It's late when she gets back to her apartment. She puts her small bag of groceries over the counter in the kitchen and opens one of the four ice creams she bought; chocolate chip flavored.
She gets lost in thought for a while, thinking of the past, of that lifetime, and wonders what could have been. A dangerous thought, she knows. There is a storm ranging in her mind and she clutches at her head, willing the incoming headache to go away.
For a moment, Juvia forgets where she is.
In her mind is a town full of magic, a building full of joy, a guild full of love. Right now, right here, Juvia has none of that, and it hurts.
She misses everyone, she misses her magic, she misses her friends. She misses Gray.
Midnight comes around and her mind is still far from thinking of going to sleep, so in an effort to distract herself, she grabs her phone and searches the internet. Her fingers pause over the screen, hesitating.
This Juvia is alone in every way, no friends, no family. An orphan, just as she was in that first life. Before Fairy Tail.
The only person who had been there with her from the start was...
Her fingers type out a single name on the search bar.
Gajeel Redfox.
XxX
The sign reads Metalicana's Auto Repair.
It seems Gajeel has found his family in this life too. She is infinitely happy for her friend.
A quirk of a smile reaches Juvia's lips as she scans the garage. The nerves are still there, not having left since she first woke up this morning, and she wipes her sweaty hands on the fabric of her jeans.
The sound of a door opening jolts her out of her thoughts, and she jumps, looking up at unruly dark hair, tanned skin, signature piercings. Her once best friend is staring right at her, as if she is some sort of alien, a pierced brow raised in skepticism.
"Can I help you, woman? Or are ya just gonna stand there all day?" Gajeel asks in his familiar rough voice, and Juvia forces herself to stay rooted in her spot and not throw herself at him in a crushing embrace.
The past Gajeel would understand, would expect it even. He knows that her emotions have always been too overwhelming for anyone to handle. She gives too much, feels too much, and she has been told over and over again that this quality of hers is one of the best things about her.
This Gajeel does not know this.
So, she smiles instead and takes a metaphorical step back. "No, I just thought this place looked familiar."
He scoffs, looking at her with a curious glint in his eyes. "That's a first." He cocks his head to the side, gaze piercing, expression inscrutable. Juvia can't read him for the life of her, she used to tell his expressions apart and it cements the reality that this man is not hers.
Juvia has had Gajeel for a long time, and to suddenly live without his gruff presence is jarring.
Just then, the man's eyes clear and a determined glint replaces the skeptical one. He seems to have made up his mind on something and he opens the door wider. "Hey, crazy woman. Want to watch me repair a few scraps of metal?"
She blinks. And blinks again. Juvia doesn't understand why the universe keeps surprising her with things like this.
"Um, I'm sorry?" Because she must have heard wrong. This Gajeel does not know her.
He raises a brow again. "Are you deaf on top of having a few screws loose?" He asks, and then a wet towel hits him right on the back of his head. He squawks.
"Stop insulting our customers!" A deep voice inside the shop shouts.
"She ain't a customer, she's just a weirdo creeping outside the shop!"
Juvia gasps, offended. "Hey! Juvia was not creeping!" Her arms come up to cross over her chest and there is a scowl on her pouted lips. Gajeel turns back to her with a snort. She realizes a split second too late how she spoke in third person.
"Sure, weirdo." He huffs and steps inside the shop. "You coming or what?"
It only takes a moment for her to hesitate, but then she is following him inside the shop.
"Sure, Gajeel-kun." She says sweetly, and when he looks at her with clear suspicion, she points at the name-tag on his clothes and he 'Ah's. When she catches sight of a tall man disappearing into an office, she thinks of Metalicana and suppresses a smile.
They spend the afternoon bickering, with Gajeel showing her how to fix a few engines and Juvia nodding along to him like she understands what he is talking about. She thanks the fates for a chance to get to know this Gajeel.
Juvia has never felt more relaxed, not since the accident, not since before the accident, not since a long time. She almost forgets how depressed she had been before receiving the memories.
It's a start, Juvia realizes.
XxX
Between her new job and hanging out at Metalicana's, Juvia hasn't had the time to think about the past, much less Gray.
To be quite frank, she has a lot on her mind recently, nobody could blame her. Juvia is only starting to live with the fact that a lifetime worth of memories is shoved in her brain, and she is dealing with everything life is throwing at her rather splendidly if she might say so herself. She's not happy yet, not like she had been in Fairy Tail, not like she had been with Gray, but Juvia doubts a time like that would ever come to her again. Thankfully, she isn't miserable either, like before.
She's getting there, in good faith.
So when, just a few months after meeting Gajeel again, she sees a glimpse of familiar dark hair at the train station, she is beyond surprised.
Her feet absentmindedly bring her closer to the man standing just before the line, briefcase in hand, and she has half a mind to feel betrayed. The universe really is out to get her. She finally comes to a stop right beside him and gets a closer look, and she finds that this man is older, much older than her previous love.
She recognizes this man.
Silver.
The station is buzzing with sound, but all she hears is white noise. There is a split second when she wonders if her heart has stopped beating, but then a moment later she is scared it will escape right out of her chest with how erratically it's beating.
Silver glances at her, and she wonders if he can hear it.
"What's wrong, missy? You look like you've seen a ghost." He jokes good-naturedly and Juvia tries to clamp down on the panic she feels surfacing, tries to act casual in front of this man who thinks of her as a stranger, tries not to remember his last words to her.
("Take care of Gray.")
Instead, Juvia tries for a smile, a little too wide, a little too forced. "Sorry. You just reminded me of someone."
She looks away then, ignoring what kind of look he must be giving her, because looking at him is digging up memories she wants to forget, she should have forgotten.
The train zooms past and stops. The man stays. She gets on.
And a flash of dark hair enters the corner of her vision, getting off the train as she boards. She blinks, turns around to a sight which makes her knees shake, her heart ache.
Walking towards his father is Gray. She can only see his back but he clearly has a fond sort of air about him as he talks with the older man, this Gray she has never met, and Silver is very obviously glad to see his son, Juvia observes. They look happy.
Silver glances up and meets her gaze just as the doors close and the train moves.
Juvia stares at her reflection in the glass doors, and finally lets the tears fall.
She looks wretched.
XxX
Christmas is coming up, and despite trying to take her mind off of things, she is reminded again and again about the scarf. The snow blanketing the scenery outside isn't helping either.
All she could think about is Gray, and the anniversary of when they had first met, and the six months they spent together in that damned cottage, and the inexplainable amount of love she still has for him.
"You've got that look again." A voice distracts her from her musings and Juvia turns her head to find Gajeel already staring at her, tools forgotten on the ground.
The woman laughs lightly, because what can she do? He's right. "You must be imagining things, Gajeel-kun."
"No, I see it how it is." He rebukes, stubborn as he is. In terms of having an uncompromising attitude, Gajeel is only second to her, of course. "You always seem like you're far away."
Juvia feels a spike of sorrow that she must not have managed to hide quite well because then Gajeel sighs. "Alright, I won't pry anymore." And she blinks, eyes softening. Gajeel had always been weak to her sad face, and it seems that hasn't changed at all. Actually, he had been weak to all things cute.
Out of nowhere, a shoe comes flying and hits Gajeel's back.
"Oi! Don't slack on the job!" Metalicana appears suddenly and Gajeel throws the offending shoe right back at him.
"I ain't slacking, old man!" He shouts back, but the aforementioned old man is already gone, retreating into his office. Juvia hides a laugh behind her hand. "Don't you start, woman." He growls, picking up his tools and resuming work on the wrecked motorcycle again.
"I would never!" Juvia swears, but the amusement is still clear in her eyes and Gajeel glares. She decides to change the subject. "Spending Christmas with your dad?"
"Adoptive dad, but yeah. We'll be doing the usual." He doesn't look it, but Juvia could tell how excited he is, that snigger she is accustomed to coming out in soft breaths. "Gi-hee."
There seems to be a story about their 'usual', Juvia notes with a fond tilt of head but she saves that for another time. "You look alike."
"I guess knowing him for my whole life does that." He shrugs but Juvia could tell, Gajeel is content. Her heart feels full, seeing this side of her friend.
"I'm glad." She smiles.
Gajeel glances at her and sees genuine joy, pleasure surrounding her very being like she is personally satisfied with his happiness.
She is a whirlwind of emotions and mysteries that it sort of makes her unpredictable, she knows. But Gajeel took one look at her and invited her in as if she had always been a friend (albeit not before insulting her, of course), and so when he lets out a rare smile and murmurs "I know." like a secret, like all those times before in their old life with just the two of them, Juvia thinks the universe is being kind, as ludicrous as that sounds.
The smile on her face stays even until after they part ways.
XxX
Juvia exhales a long breath, desperately trying to keep her nerves under control.
The universe must be doing this on purpose, there is no other explanation for it. The universe hates her, and wants her to suffer.
Suddenly, she feels like laughing, but she clamps down on that urge too, because she doesn't want to look like a complete idiot. In front of Gray. Who is staring straight at her like his gaze doesn't feel like lasers shooting right through her chest.
She had been making her way to work, a small desk job at a small company, when the shittiest form of coincidences occurs. Taking a left at the alley on her usual route, she bumps into Gray. She literally bumps into him. The hot coffee he had been holding spills right onto her blouse and she is still as a statue, stunned speechless.
Juvia utterly despises destiny.
She feels herself start to cry, tears of frustration and a little bit of longing burning in her stomach. Seeing Gray is hard.
Gray had been apologizing non-stop after the fiasco, more so when Juvia tears up. He panics when he spots tears pooling on the corners of her eyes.
"It's... hot." She lies, because what else could she say to him? 'I miss you and I love you and seeing you hurts like hell'? Yeah, no.
Gray takes her to a nearby park, where he sits her down on a bench and hands her a bunch of tissues. She starts to wipe on the stain, but it's futile. She glances up to find him talking on the phone, running a hand through his hair.
She coughs and he looks back at her. "You can go. I'll be fine."
"No." There is steel in his hardened gaze, and Juvia's heart clenches. "I already called ahead to say I'll be late."
He takes a step closer to survey the damage, and he clicks his tongue, eyebrows furrowed. He hides it well, but Juvia knows him. Juvia knows him well enough to know when he is guilty, when he feels remorse, when he feels regret.
"It doesn't look that bad." She mumbles, trying to sound reassuring and Gray looks at her again, focuses on the tears still streaming down her face. She sniffles.
"It does look that bad. Don't worry, I'll pay for the damage, so please stop crying." He cocks his head to the side, and takes off his jacket. "Here, take this."
He shoves her the garment, cheeks heating up and she takes it slowly, awkwardly. "You really don't have to do this."
At her words, Gray regards her, pitiful form and all. "No, I want to."
And there he is, the Gray she loves with every part of her being. Kindhearted, caring, an infinitely good person, regardless of the cold persona he often shows. He is still there, or he hasn't changed at all, not in his core. The realization is overwhelming, the intensity of it crashing over her like a flood.
Juvia can't really help it, she burst into tears.
"Wha- what's wrong? Did I say something wrong?" His tone is coated in alarm, and he kneels in front of her sobbing frame. Juvia can sense his nervousness despite being a complete mess of snot and tears herself. She looks up to stare at his blurry form, his eyes wide in fright at possibly making a grown woman cry in public.
She snorts. "No, you did nothing wrong. Juvia is grateful, truly." She sniffs again, and Gray raises a brow at her speech pattern. She takes no notice of her slip up and just gives him a sincere smile, soft and real. "You're a good person."
She takes some of the tissues and wipes her face, so she misses the way Gray openly stares at her in a daze, a pink hue on his cheeks. Juvia is reluctant for a moment, but then she makes up her mind and puts the jacket on.
She stands up from the bench and turns to face the love of her life, in a past life and in this life.
Juvia knows that will never change.
She takes a deep breath, steeling her nerves. "Give me your phone." She holds up a hand, palm up. Gray blinks, confusion clear in his dark eyes. "For you to pay for the damage. I really need to go to work, so it will have to be some other time."
"Oh, right." He hands her his phone, and she types in her number, giving herself a call. Gray keeps staring at her, intrigued by this strange, overly emotional woman. When she gives him back his phone, they have a moment in which they just stare at each other, taking the other in.
Honestly, Juvia could stay like that forever, but apparently, Gray is still the same emotionally constipated man he had been in the past.
He looks away first, clearing his throat. It's familiar, this scene, this situation, and it feels awfully like she is back at the guild, clinging to his arm, and Gray is incredibly bashful, trying to appear withdrawn. They are surrounded by their friends, people they love, and Juvia feels at home.
She remembers the first time she ever met this man, thinks of how everything in her life changed with that one simple encounter.
Juvia looks at Gray and sees the future.
A small smile lights up her face, a soft look in her eyes. "I didn't get your name."
He turns back to her, putting his hands in the pocket of his pants in a gesture she recognizes for him to appear cool and casual. "It's Gray Fullbuster." He smirks, holding out a hand and, not missing a beat, she takes it and shakes.
She sees now why the universe had let her remember. She understands now that beyond that endless feeling of nothingness, there is light. The dark clouds hanging over her head are gone and it feels like a miracle.
This is a second chance at life, at love, and she won't waste even a second of it.
"Juvia Lockser." She beams, her heart lighter than she could ever remember.
With Gray by her side, Juvia is home once again.