Arc Two: Delusional Reverie
Chapter Five: Admiration
I felt disgusted. Foul. Violated. Despite it only being a dream, his touch felt all real. Where Ruberion had grabbed my waist in the dance was sensitive as if it had been exposed.
He said we had been talking long before tonight... The reason why my dreams had been missing is that he wasn't strong enough to make me retain those memories. But how is he getting stronger? What had the previous dreams been about? And...
My mind flashed back to the last words he said to me...
"I love you."
My cheeks began to burn uncontrollably. I shouldn't be feeling like this. And yet... he was so close...
I whacked myself in the face with my pillow to snap myself out of my stupid state. This isn't fair to Severus.
Frustrated, I got out of bed and stood by the window to look at the grounds below. The sun had barely come up over the horizon. Hagrid was up early to take care of some of the magical creatures. He seemed to be carrying a large bucket of food into the Forbidden Forest. I sighed. No matter how beautiful the sunrise was, my mind couldn't be distracted.
"I guess I'm not going to be getting any more sleep... Damn you, Ruberion... The whole castle is probably still asleep..." An idea suddenly popped into my head. "Except the elves."
Unsurprisingly, I didn't encounter a single soul on the way to the kitchens. Even Filch and Mrs Norris were fast asleep in their room. As before, I tickled the pear to reveal the entrance and made my way inside.
Before I had stepped properly inside, I could already hear the sound of spoons clanging against metal bowls and the ovens on full blast. It looks like being a house elf doesn't end up providing breaks after all. The first thing I did see was Utsy on top of a pile of wooden boxes holding a stirrer ferociously.
"Utsy sees you slacking off! Get back to work!" Utsy let out at the same elf she lectured last time I was there. That one must have a pretty bad reputation for her to be so demanding.
"Careful, Utsy, or they'll start a mutiny." I joked halfheartedly as I joined her side. Despite being atop the boxes, she still didn't meet my height.
"Miss Juniper!" she yelled happily and accidentally dropped the stirrer. It fell to the floor with a thud and rolled away out of sight. "Utsy is so happy to see you! How was the food Utsy made you?"
"It was delicious, thank you." I told her, not having the heart to tell her we barely touched it and had to abandon it. "You are an amazing little chef."
She placed her hands on her cheeks and gave an embarrassed wave. "Utsy knows but what Utsy does not know is why Miss Juniper is awake at this time."
"I... had a bad dream. I couldn't get back to sleep so I thought I would come to see how you were."
"Utsy is sorry to hear that. Utsy has just the thing for Miss Juniper." She jumped quite a height from the boxes. I went to try to catch her but she fell too quickly. Somehow, she was unbothered by the feat. Was she secretly a gymnast in her spare time?
Seconds later, she came back with a bowl of piping hot soup. It was the classic orange with small pieces of vegetables inside. How did she manage to make it so fast? I sat down at one of the benches, took it from her hands and took a spoonful of the liquid. It was amazing and helped to wash away the exhaustion that was in my joints. I thanked her for the excellent meal.
"Utsy is glad Utsy could help Miss Juniper. What was Miss Juniper's dream about?" she asked motheringly. I always could talk to Utsy about anything. But... this was so bizarre that for the first time, I hesitated.
"Well... I dreamt I met someone quite interesting. They told me some very passionate things." I began.
"Utsy wonders if it was Professor Snape?"
"I wish it was him." I sighed and took another spoonful of soup. "Perhaps if it was, it wouldn't have been a bad dream. That person and I danced together. It was a beautiful scenery and then... they told me something that I can't get out of my mind."
"What was it?" Utsy asked with full attention.
"I think I'll keep that bit to myself. But... there is one more thing I was hoping to get your opinion on."
"Utsy is here."
"Well..." I swallowed. "If there was someone who had done an irreparable wrong and because of it, everyone told you that that person is horrible and should be shunned, what would you do? What if it was when they were much younger and before you met them? What if how you know them now doesn't match at all what others said they are like?"
She looked at me curiously for a moment and contemplated the best advice to give me. It did feel quite specific so I hope she doesn't suspect anything.
"Utsy thinks she would listen to what that person has to say. Utsy knows elves can change so humans can too."
"You think that they should have another chance? Even if what they did before was so bad?" I asked for confirmation.
"Utsy believes so."
Utsy had never given bad advice before. I was always able to rely on her and she would give me the best outcome. But was she correct when she had such little information to go on? She didn't know Ruberion- how he snuffed the life out of a girl and didn't deny a single piece of his part in doing so.
But the Ruberion I had come to know didn't seem possible of doing such a thing. He felt a bit obsessive and shallow, perhaps even wallowing in his self-depreciative state, but this didn't seem like the man who would've persuaded a girl to kill herself. Is it all a ruse or has he truly changed? My mind couldn't decide what to believe.
I gave Utsy a gentle pat on the head and thanked her for her council.
"Utsy will always have time for Miss Juniper. If there is anything she needs, she may only have to call for Utsy." She bowed deeply and made her way to inspect how the morning meals were fairing. I continued to consume my soup until the bowl was empty. I felt a bit better, and at least I wasn't hungry, but my heart felt shallow...
Dumbledore must be awake by now. He needs to know what happened.
I knocked on the door to Dumbledore's office. There was no reply. I knocked again and still... nothing. Was he still asleep? Should I come back later? But... he always said that if I had news to bring that I should tell him as soon as possible. Ruberion possibly returning is something certainly urgent. I took a deep breath and carefully opened the door.
The room was empty of all life except Fawkes the phoenix who was sleeping soundly on his perch. It was amusing that birds could snore so much. You wouldn't expect it. Carefully, I walked over to Dumbledore's desk. There were a few scattered sheets that he hadn't cleared up from the night before. None of them particularly caught my interest.
Walking around some more, I could see the portraits of the previous Hogwarts headmasters asleep too. I wonder if they had any idea that I was there. As I turned once more, a large cabinet took my eye. Opening it up revealed a metallic basin atop a stone font that contained small wispy threads of grey. Something was captivating about seeing those wisps swirling around so freely...
"Beautiful, are they not?" an old voice spoke reminiscently from behind me. "I take you are familiar with the Pensieve, Miss Juniper?" It was Dumbledore, still comfortable wearing his night robes. He pulled his wand out, pressed it to the side of his head and strung another of the threads from inside.
"Somewhat. You use it to store memories and review them later on. I've never used one myself." I explained. Dumbledore dipped the thread inside the Pensieve to join the others.
"I tend to use it when I feel there are too many thoughts and memories crammed into my mind. It may certainly be useful for examining connections and links one may never have thought before."
I continued to watch the wisps. They reminded me of... his hair.
"Sir... I need to talk to you... about Ruberion." I admitted, looking at him from over my shoulder before returning to the previous sight in front of me. "It's as you thought. He's the one behind all of these mishappenings."
"How do you know of this for certain?" he asked validly.
"He spoke to me. No, he's been speaking to me for a while now but not that I knew of it. He's getting stronger. Last night was the first day that he was powerful enough to allow me to remember him. I don't know what we had done the months prior." The gash on my arm began to sting. Had it been because of Ruberion?
"He wants something with me. He wouldn't tell me what but he has a plan in mind, I can feel it. He's in here. In me. My dreams... Like the Hound, he is communicating to me through them. He told me he created the Hound."
Dumbledore did not speak. He only listened as he made mental notes of my words.
"Is it foolish of me to be scared?" I asked, biting my lip to withhold the tears threatening to spill at my admission.
"Cassandra, there is nothing foolish, nor weak, about being wary about a foe you do not understand. Ruberion is a dangerous individual. Listen to me carefully: you must not submit to him. He will attempt to convince you using your innermost desires to do his bidding. No matter what he offers, you must resist. It is essential to your safety and the safety of Hogwarts."
"I'll try my best. I just wish I knew how he was contacting me. It's obviously through my dreams, just like the Hound, but this doesn't feel the same as it. There's something more intimate."
"If that is the case," Dumbledore spoke with an idea. "I would ask Severus to teach you Occlumency. If Ruberion is invading your thoughts through Legilimency, then Occlumency shall shield you from him."
How odd. Severus hadn't told me he was a Legilimens. Does that mean he has been reading my mind this entire time? Our eyes often met when we spoke. How much does he know about me that I've never told him? Those thoughts set me off with nerves.
"I'll go see if he's awake now then if that's alright." I said and began to approach the door.
Dumbledore watched me move but then raised his hand to stop me momentarily. "Be on your guard, Miss Juniper. The fate of Hogwarts and Severus could well rest in your hands."
"Severus, sir?" I replied.
"He has lost too much and come so far since to lose again. I fear that there would be no third chance for salvation for him."
My chest began to tighten at his warning. It burnt with a question: "What was he like with Lily Potter?"
Dumbledore was surprised somewhat at me. "He has told you about her?" I gave a nod of agreement. "Severus would have done so much for Lily. He made his feelings about her to be quite clear. He was devastated when her death came to reality. I feared he would never recover. Then you arrived."
"You unlocked the good in each other. I understood that from the start but you two were stubborn. You are much better together than apart. I do believe that Severus would destroy all of his surroundings if it meant saving you. That is why you must heed caution. He may have moved on from Lily, but he will never have the strength to move on once more from you."
"I won't hurt him, sir. I promise you." I said, taking what Dumbledore had spoken seriously.
"You should promise that to Severus, not me. But I acknowledge your dedication. Go, he should be awake now."
"Thank you, sir."
The sky outside was a charming blue now. The orange beams of sunrise had since faded. I couldn't help but stifle a small yawn as I headed towards Severus's office. It would be nice if there were some windows here but... that wouldn't be possible considering we were essentially underground.
I knocked on the office door and entered. The fireplace was burning, although it was on its last flickers. Perhaps Severus had been awake much longer than I anticipated. His desk had a small cauldron on top of a brewing stand concocting some sort of potion. To its side, Severus himself was chopping what looked to be a small type of bean and adding them progressively to the cauldron.
"Good morning." I said a bit sleepily.
He looked up sharply. "Good morning. I did not expect you to be here until later." he said. My eyes darted away from his.
"I couldn't sleep. What are you brewing?" I moved my way over to his side to see several other small ingredients laid out.
"Your sleeping draught. Has it been working?" He began to stir the mixture under light heat.
"A little. I fall asleep easily but it's the actual sleep that's the problem. That's what I wanted to talk to you about, actually."
I explained to him what Ruberion had said to me, deliberately leaving out the part where we danced together, and what Dumbledore advised.
"Dumbledore said for you to teach me Occlumency. I didn't know you were a Legilimens."
He played off the strike quite well. Picking up a sample of petals, he dropped them into the potion. "I am."
"Have you been using it on me?" I asked directly. I didn't feel in the mood to beat around the bush.
"Is such a thing important to you?" he responded as he added some nettles.
"Considering you are and I'm not, and you didn't tell me, I'd say so."
He continued to stir as if what I said meant quite little, though in a sense of it being little impact than believing he had done no wrong.
"I used it when we first met to understand your true intentions. Then, on occasion, when I wished to understand what you were feeling. However, I have not done so since we have been together."
I felt somewhat violated at him peering into my innermost thoughts but I decided to believe him. There wasn't much point in picking a fight over something he "rightfully" did at the time.
"Because you trust me?" I asked.
By this time, the potion had finished brewing. Severus took out his wand, waved it over the top and poured the fluid into a small bottle. "Of course. When I knew you were not up to any sort of trouble, I found no need to continue. You may look me in the eyes again."
Even without Legilimency, Severus was as observant as ever.
"You have got to stop doing that." I warned jokingly. "But it looks like you'll have to use it again since I need to learn Occlumency to keep Ruberion out."
Severus directed me towards one of the chairs and I sat down in it neatly.
"I hope you understand that this will be a progressive skill. You will not be able to keep me out immediately. If Ruberion is as powerful as Dumbledore fears, and more exceptional than I at Legilimency, it will require more dedication."
Severus prepared his wand and pointed it at me. Something was unnerving being completely vulnerable to his will.
"To begin, you must empty yourself of your emotions. Make yourself a blank slate so that there are simply no thoughts to be detected. You will not be able to block my access to your memories until you are more advanced."
"But Ruberion mentioned he had been seeing into my memories. Is there no way to learn it faster?"
Severus thought briefly but concluded that it was impossible to skip these essential steps.
"I see... But there's one more thing... I'm terrified of what you might learn about me. I've done such horrible things that I'm scared they might make you hate me. That you may... wish to no longer be associated with me. I couldn't bear it." I admitted against my best intentions. The Ministry had made me do things I was proud to do at the time but stood sorely against now. How would these things appear to him? Some smiles are impossible to hide.
"There are things that I have done too that I am ashamed of. It is human to have committed mistakes and you are a changed person since your days at the Ministry. I would not hold your actions under Fudge against you."
I couldn't help but smile. Despite his outward demeanour being so cold and isolating, he did care when it came down to it.
"Are you prepared?" he asked.
"I'll do my best."
Severus cast Legilimens. A collage of images flashed before my eyes as he burrowed deep within my consciousness. I still feared slightly what he may see but I trusted what he told me before. I had no reason to doubt that trust.
I tried my best to empty myself of my thoughts and emotions.
All around me is a blank slate. There is nothing else about me. All is well.
I was thrown back into the room as the spell concluded. Did I do it?
"You were still anxious. Why?" he asked, putting his wand away and pulling a chair to sit across from me.
"I thought I did fine. Was it really that bad?"
He took my hand in his. "You have to be entirely clear of everything that you do not want a Legilimens to know of. Your anxiety made your thoughts and memories vulnerable."
I couldn't help but sigh. If what I thought was doing well wasn't good at all then how am I supposed to progress?
"It's Ruberion. I can't stop worrying about him." I guessed but my heart wasn't so sure as it beat out of tune.
Severus and I made eye contact. "We both know that is not the case."
"Did you just use it on me again?"
He simply shrugged and pulled a nonchalant smile.
"You're the worst. Fine, I guess I'm still worried about what you may see."
"Would it help if I told you what I saw just now?" he asked. Oh no.
"Yeah... maybe. Go on."
"I saw some of your memories from the Ministry. As I expected, you are not the same woman as you were back then, and I do not fault you for it. I saw memories of your childhood. And I saw your thoughts and memories of your time here." he explained. My ears went red at the realisation that he- "You do have some interesting opinions."
I gently smacked at his arm. "Ones I'm sure amuse you greatly, I'm sure. When I learn Legilimency, you'll be the first person I use it on. I'll know all of your secrets and-"
"Have you forgotten that I am an Occlumens as well?"
Is there nothing this man can't do? What a Mary Sue of a character.
"You heard what I just thought, didn't you?"
"I did."
"Damn you."
Together, we spent the next few hours training. There was some progress made but it certainly would not be enough to prevent Ruberion from accessing my memories. However, it may be barely enough to at least prevent him from reading my emotions.
My stomach growled audibly.
"I think we missed breakfast..." I slurred, slumping forward in the chair.
The fire had long since died out. It was beginning to feel incredibly stuffy being down here. I needed fresh air.
"Severus, forgive me, but I do not understand how you can survive with no air in this room. The outdoors is calling me and I need a snack. Are you coming?"
That night, I felt somewhat prepared to face Ruberion, should he come. I could use my Occlumency to try to deter him from whatever he's trying to achieve with me. I took the sleeping draught Severus had prepared for me earlier and fell into a deep sleep...
... ... ...
Why is nothing happening?
Did he give up? Where is he?
"Missing me, are we?"
My spirit leapt out of me as Ruberion's voice cheered from directly next to my neck. His arms wrapped around my frame from behind and he pressed his mouth close to my ear.
"My sweet... so you did remember me. Do you know how happy this makes me?"
I mustn't submit to him.
"Are you ignoring me? How cruel of you. I wanted to show you something interesting tonight. If that's how you're going to be then I'll be on my way." He removed himself from me and began to walk away, dejected.
A tiny, minuscule part of me didn't want him to leave. I wanted to know what he was talking about if only to gain information on how to defeat him. Or... to get to know him. What he is really like. Away from what everyone else says about him.
"Wait." I said lacking confidence. "I want to know."
He spun around to face me. His silver hair flicked with the over the top movement.
"I understand if I'm too vile for your sight, my lady. You do not have to bear with me for my expense."
"No, that's..." If I want to get anything out of him, I need to go along with him. It's not submitting if I still have control against him. I just need to choose my words carefully. "I don't find you these horrible things you call yourself. Show me what you wanted to. Please."
He clasped his hands together in happiness and ballerina-style jumped back to my side.
"Right this way, my lady, right this way. This was one thing I certainly did not expect from you but I dare say, it makes you all the more delectable."
As before, he clapped his hands and the grey vortex we were in transformed into a different scenery. We were atop a gigantic stadium, many times bigger than the arena at Hogwarts. At the very top, we stood with people screaming at the scene unfolding before us. The sound carried throughout every single tier and even in what I assumed to be the premium seats, there were crowds of people on both sides of us.
A wizard on a broomstick shot past us who was carrying what I identified to be a Quaffle. I realised then where he had taken me... the Quidditch World Cup stadium.
My eyes were enraptured as I stared out over the edge. There were fireworks in the sky, banners draped across many areas of the seating tiers of the teams' colours and not to mention the players themselves swerving to avoid Bludgers and performing team tactics to prevent the other team from scoring or setting up a play.
"It's incredible..." slipped from my mouth. Ruberion picked up on my blunder in a heartbeat.
"I'm so elated that you love it, my princess. There is nothing I want more than to please you. To see that gorgeous smile on your face. For your eyes to light up in amazement..." His voice became so silky and soothing. I felt... secure.
"Ruberion... did you do what everyone says you did?" I asked nervously, afraid to know the answer.
"Did what, my dear?" he responded, looking directly at me. His eyes had the faintest look of worry in them.
"The girl... and you manipulating people. They all say you're this horrible, irredeemable person."
"What is it that you believe me to be?" He leant on the wooden barrier and observed the match that continued to play.
"I can't understand it. If you did do those things... a part of me wishes to believe you've changed."
His silver hair blew behind him in the wind, giving him an almost mystical appearance. "I would never lie to you, Cassandra. I did do those things but..." He turned to look at me with a smile. "I would change in a heartbeat for you."
No. No, I can't believe him. This is exactly what Dumbledore warned me of. Using my innermost desires for his plans... Trying to manipulate me using my weaknesses... Remember, this is the man who made the Hound of Dreams and killed the five children.
"Ruberion, we need to stop-" As I tried to get the words out, the crowd went ecstatic as one of the Chasers secured a goal. They collided with me and threw me forwards... directly into the arms of Ruberion.
"Fret not, my love. I will protect you. I will never let anyone or anything hurt you." He gently caressed my hair with one hand that was keeping my head pressed against his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. Why was it so slow?
"Ruberion, I-"
"Quiet now." he whispered lovingly as the world vanished around us. "I apologise, darling. I thought that one would have gone better." He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of my head. "Do you hate me for it?"
Yes, I hate you. Stop this. Stop all of it. I don't want this. I don't-
"I don't."
"You make me so happy when you say things like that." He allowed me to look up to see his sensitive smile that reflected in his sky-blue eyes. "Might I be so bold for a moment?"
Leave me alone! Stop touching me!
"Of course."
"Stay with me. You have seen what I am able to offer you. This is a world of perfection and serene bliss and finally, I have someone I wish to share it with. Honour in this. Nothing would make me happier than your companionship."
I felt my mouth begin to move on its own as it had done before.
Void yourself. Become a blank slate. I closed my eyes and began to calm myself down to an emotionless state. Whatever was holding me back began to break.
"No, I don't want this. I want to wake up. Let me wake up!" I yelled as I pushed him away from me.
"Why, my love? Are you still not convinced?" He began to sound irked but he took a deep breath and composed himself. "No matter. I will show you, Cassandra. I will show you what you are missing out on. I will protect you. I will love you. I will give you everything you ever wished for. If only you stay with me."
He went to grab my hand but I pulled it away from him.
"You will see what a big mistake you are making, mark my words. Have you not been happy here with me? Content? Safe?"
He was correct but...
"I ask that you consider it. After all, it was you who called me here tonight... It was you who was so curious to learn about me..."
For a split second, I let my guard down. He took advantage and swept for my arms, grabbing them firmly and pinning them above my head. His eyes stared fiercely into my own.
"If you hate it so much, then why do I hear your heart beating for me? It's calling my name. I know it desires me. Allow it to be free, my dear. I await your decision." With that, he pressed another kiss to my cheek and vanished away.
Severus... I'm sorry...