"Beale, what are you doing working the ER floor, don't you have surgeries to be tending to?"
Chloe looked up from where she had been stitching the hand of a construction worker with a deep laceration. She caught the eye of Dr. Abernathy and huffed out a laugh.
"I was till I cleared my board and caught up on all my paper work. ER was looking a little busy today so figured this would be a better use of my time. Plus, one of the interns passed out."
Dr. Abernathy watched as Chloe finished off her work with surgical precision, and then rolled her eyes at the mention of interns as she caught sight of the one in question sitting in the corner with their head between their legs. They were a pain in her back side, a necessary evil granted, however this particular bunch seemed hopeless at times.
"You know you could always come down full time," Abernathy replied, a level of playfulness to her tone. Chloe simply chuckled as she removed her gloves and explained after care to the man sitting on the bed before excusing herself.
"Gail you and I both know I'm your best cardiothoracic surgeon. What would you do without my skills and talents in the OR?" Chloe sassed back.
"That's Chief to you Dr. Beale and if it wasn't for the fact that you are my best Cardio surgeon there's a lot I could be doing with your talents," Gail responded as they approached the lift.
The door opened to reveal Dr. Aubrey Posen and Dr. Chicago Walp already inside. As Chloe and Gail entered, Chicago couldn't reframe himself from passing comment towards his favourite surgeon.
"Looking radiant as ever Dr. Beale," he grinned, the same grin that usually bowled women over, unfortunately for him, not this particular women.
"Still married Walp," Chloe responded, flashing the wedding band on her finger before turning her back on him. Gail shook her head, her back to Chicago with her arms crossed over her chest.
"Walp, if I catch you harassing a member of my staff again, I won't hesitate to have you removed from my rounds. And before you open that smug mouth of yours I don't care that your daddy's on the board."
The man stood there with his mouth closed, jaw clenched tight as he bit down the words that had been about to fall out. Chloe and Aubrey simply chuckled and watched on with amusement as he bolted out of the elevator once it stopped on the next floor.
"Thanks Chief," Chloe said and Gail simply shrugged it off.
"I never liked that guy. Any opportunity to put him in his place is a good day in my book."
Once the elevator reached the next destination all three women stepped out and proceeded to make their way down the floor to ceiling glass corridor that opened out into the main entrance area of the hospital.
Upon reaching the main reception, all three women spotted a slightly shorter brunette dressed in a dark navy suit with pale blue button down blouse and navy converse, a gun holster and a badge clipped to her belt, standing talking to Emily the receptionist.
A beaming smile took over Chloe's face as she approached the woman.
"Bec's," she called out, gaining the attention of the woman at reception.
Seeing the ginger approaching, Beca stood up from her place leaned against the desk and picked up the bouquet of flowers as she made her way over to the approaching doctor.
Once in reaching distance, Chloe wrapped her arms around Beca's neck and pulled her close planting a kiss on her lips. Beca grinned into it before it came to a natural end and smiled at the woman before her.
"Happy one year anniversary," she said, as she raised up the bouquet and presented the flowers to her wife.
Chloe couldn't stop the smile as she accepted the gift her wife handed to her. The flowers were beautiful, but it was the fact Beca was there at all that meant the most to her.
The brunette had done a magnificent job of letting on that she had forgotten what day it was that morning over breakfast. Rushing about getting ready for work and then dashing out of the house before Chloe had uttered a word.
To say she had been upset was an understatement. It was their first wedding anniversary, it was supposed to be special. She should've known her wife wouldn't have forgotten.
Beca loved to surprise her, didn't matter if it was a special occasion or just a random Tuesday evening when they both weren't working, her wife loved springing little surprise dates and gifts on her.
It was Beca's way of reminding Chloe that she was special, and that Beca knew better than to take their relationship for granted. Just because they were married didn't mean she would be complacent.
Their jobs were full on, both women accustomed to working irregular shift patterns and unsociable hours. It was part in parcel of being a successful surgeon and a dedicated police detective.
They knew when they started dating that their relationship would often be tested by that, but they compensated for it by making the most of the time when their schedules did align and by doing little things to remind the other that they were important.
"Bec's they're beautiful," Chloe sighed running a finger along one of the petals of the flowers. A smile etched its way across Beca's lips.
"I also booked us a table at that Chinese place you love for tonight and then maybe we can head home, spend some quality time together, open that expensive bottle of champagne your dad gave us at our wedding to toast this very occasion."
It sounded perfect to Chloe. With her job as a surgeon and Beca's job as a detective with the NYPD, they didn't always have time to just chill out together. It was difficult, but what was even more difficult, was the years Chloe had spent trying to quell her fears and anxieties over her wife's job.
There were numerous times Beca had been in sticky situations, ones that could've been close calls. She dealt with the real scum of the earth, the people who had no regard for human life, or the knock on effect of what taking that life could mean.
The monsters that lurked in the NYC underworld, and down murky side streets, those were the criminals that Beca faced time and again. There had been a few close calls throughout the course of their relationship, but Beca had always promised to be as safe as possible.
It had taken some time but Chloe adjusted. She just had to trust in her wife's capabilities, and in the knowledge that Beca's partner, and best friend, had her back.
Jesse Swanson was a god send. He and Beca had come up the ranks together, established a formidable partnership and more importantly, had each other's backs. One of the first things he had ever said to Chloe when Beca first introduced them, was that he promised to always try and make sure that the brunette made it home.
That was all Chloe could ask for. Being a surgeon had made her privy to death and and the various ways a life could be lost. It weighed heavily on Chloe's mind at times. Especially when she would see police officers from Beca's precinct walk though the ER door, or worse, in her operating room.
She'd had to break devastating news to families throughout the course of her career and she never wanted to experience that pain herself. But she also knew that she couldn't ask that of the universe. It wasn't for her to interfere with life's plan. All she could do was hope that her life plan included Beca for as long as possible.
"Sounds perfect to me," Chloe whispered before planting another sweet kiss to Beca's lips and the brunette grinned.
"Reservation is at eight so we'll have plenty of time to change after work. I gotta get back to the station but I'll see you at home. I love you Mrs. Mitchell."
Beca pressed one more loving kiss to Chloe's lips and then pulled back, stepping away with a sweet smile on her face before heading for the exit.
"Mitchell? I thought you were Beale?" Emily said from behind the reception desk, nabbing Chloe's attention. The redhead smiled at her.
"It is Beale, professionally anyways. I built my career as a surgeon around the name Chloe Beale and that's who everyone here knows me as, so I decided to just keep using it for my job. But I'm totes a Mitchell legally. Any legal forms I sign have Mitchell instead of Beale."
Emily gave her that look of understanding, sensing that being established and having something that had success behind it meant a lot to Chloe. She could understand not wanting to part with her name in that respect.
"Is Beca cool with you using two names?" Emily asked and Chloe nodded.
"Oh totes. She thinks the whole idea of having to take the name of the person you're marrying is some "patriarchal bullshit" designed by men to claim ownership and that a name shouldn't define a persons entire identity anyways. But it was something I wanted to do, so I did."
Emily nodded, it made sense in a way. People put too much emphasis on what a name actually is. To the extent some people were shunned purely because their name was associated with someone or something thought less than wholesome, even if the name was of no real reflection on the persons own personal character.
Similarly names had a way of elevating people purely because of the weight they carried, even if the person wearing it wasn't fit to live up to it. A name like Walp for instance. Names were strange like that.
"Oh almost forgot," Emily suddenly shrieked excitedly, reaching behind her desk to retrieve a gift bag from Tiffany's and handing it over to Chloe.
"Beca told me to give this to you after she left."
Chloe's heart melted as she placed the flowers down and accepted the bag, removing a box large enough to fit a necklace in. She unwrapped the white bow from around it and removed the lid to reveal a white gold chain with an infinity loop pendent encrusted in diamonds.
It must have cost Beca a small fortune but it was the sentimentality behind it that meant the most to Chloe. Her wife had an infinity loop with Chloe's name designed into it tattooed under her left breast, close to her heart.
Emily caught a glimpse of the necklace and gushed at how gorgeous it was as Chloe tried to stem the flow of happy tears that had sprung to her eyes. Eventually they were interrupted by somebody arriving at the reception desk and Chloe took that as her cue to get back to work, but not before Gail and Aubrey gushed about the whole display they had just witnessed.
****Begin Again****
"Somebody's got that love glow. I take it you got to meet the beautiful Dr. Beale in person," Jesse said as he handed a styrofoam cup of coffee to Beca as she reached the car.
Beca rolled her eyes with a side grin on her face, gratefully accepting the cup of coffee as they both leaned up against the side of the car.
"Dude, Chloe and I have been married for a year and been together for six, let's drop the movie romantics," Beca replied, removing the cap from her coffee cup and taking a healthy sip. Jesse just grinned at her.
"Love looks good on you Mitchell. Who would've thought the Doc that stitched your head back together would be the same Doc to steal your heart away."
Beca rolled her eyes at his sentiments. She loved her partner, but Jesse's penchant for mushy statements still weren't endearing to Beca.
It wasn't that Beca wasn't romantic or hated PDA, clearly not considering the move she had just pulled, she just had a more reserved approach to it. She would rather surprise Chloe with breakfast in bed or little gifts than make grand romantic gestures.
She loved making Chloe feel special, but that didn't mean she enjoyed having lots of prying eyes surveying her as she did it. Her gestures were just for Chloe and she preferred to keep it that way.
She could still vividly recall that day they met in the ER. Chloe had been occupying her time on the graveyard shift by assessing some walk ins when Beca arrived in with a nice little split along her hairline next to her temple.
Getting whacked across the head with a crowbar hadn't been how she planned to end her night chasing down some petty crooks, but low and behold it sent her to the ER where she found herself at the mercy of a stunning red head with the touch of an Angel.
By touch, she literally meant her wife had serious skills. Beca had been patched up enough times by interns and nurses who had sown her up like she was an inanimate couch cushion that she was well aware of when she was being treated by someone who knew what they were doing and how to treat people with care.
Yes, the scar on the left of Beca's head was a not so subtle reminder of the night she had met what she then considered to be her future wife. Luckily for her, the career oriented Dr. Beale had also taken a liking to Beca's plucky, quick witted nature and a beautiful relationship was born.
As Beca and Jesse continued to converse over trivial topics such as the Mets game the night before, the police radio suddenly sounded out, alerting them to sketchy activity going on down near the docks. Beca quickly glanced up at her partner.
"Sounds like the Falcone cartel," Beca stated and Jesse nodded his head to agree.
They had been tailing the cartel for months, knowing they were on to a major drug smuggling ring. But so far they hadn't been able to pinpoint enough evidence to bring them in. This may have been the breakthrough they were looking for.
Climbing into the car, Jesse hopped into the drivers seat and pulled off while Beca announced over the frequency that they would be joining the call out as back up.
****Begin Again****
"Don't you have an anniversary dinner to be getting to?" Aubrey asked, as she stopped by the nurses station to hand over some files, Chloe propped up against the counter jotting some notes down in her own file at that moment.
"Beca booked a late dinner so I figured I'd get some of my charts up to date before I leave," she replied, flipping the one she had been working on closed and placing it in the rack with the others.
Walking over to the board she scanned the schedule and pencilled in a surgery for the following day before joining Aubrey as they made their way towards the exit to the coffee dock that parked outside the hospital.
Several ambulances pulled up to the bay as they walked out and they watched as trolleys were unloaded and rushed inside by the waiting doctors. They overheard one of the paramedics mention something about a shootout between the police and some drug cartel before rushing inside
Two officers where wheeled in first followed by what appeared to be two members of the cartel, their hands cuffed to the side rails of their trolleys being tailed by uniformed officers.
Aubrey shook her head as they both turned and continued on towards the dock, passing two more ambulances as they went. Chloe ordered a coffee and a black tea and handed over a $10 bill before they took a seat on the bench just next to the dock.
"You know I used to think our job was tough but every time I see that it makes me second guess myself," Aubrey said as she gestured back towards the ER bay. Chloe frowned as she gulped down some of the hot liquid, feeling it warm her from the inside out.
"What do you mean?" She asked turning to face her colleague and one of her closest confidantes. Aubrey turned to face her.
"Don't get me wrong I know we find ourselves in positions where one decision could be the difference between saving or losing a life, but I don't think I could deal with willingly walking into danger, literally tempting fate with my own life to save another."
Chloe had spent too many hours contemplating this knowledge over the years whenever Beca would arrive home with a new bump or scratch. Her wife never went into too much detail about tough causes, mainly as Chloe knew all too well, she didn't want her wife to know just how dangerous the situation was.
She didn't want Chloe to have to live with that worry. But that didn't mean Chloe's mind didn't sometimes draw its own conclusions. As a doctor she'd seen enough to know the difference between an accident and a close call. A slight misstep and a forced error.
So while Beca could try and sooth her with the watered down version of events, the reality was, Chloe's medical training often painted the picture for her and that was enough for her to not want to know the details in any great depth.
Sometimes ignorance was bliss. The more Chloe knew the more she would worry and she didn't want to be that person that held Beca back from her career out of fear. Beca was careful, she never acted on impulse, every move was made with careful consideration of the consequences.
But there were risks to dealing with cons and criminals. The main one being that they didn't care for the consequences, as was evident from their career choice, and that often meant rolling the dice and hoping for the best when entering into certain situation.
With their coffees now emptied and a couple more hours ahead of them, Chloe and Aubrey sauntered back towards the hospital, both their pagers receiving alerts as they walked.
"So much for a quiet evening," Aubrey said as she silenced her pager, "It's the ER, they most need back up."
Chloe nodded as she silenced her own pager and continued her way towards the entrance heading straight for the pit. As they rounded the nurses station, they were met by Gail whose face was nothing short of stoic.
"What's up Chief? Where do you need us?" Chloe asked, her hands coming up to rest on the ends of the stethoscope around her neck.
Gail looked towards Aubrey.
"I need you in trauma room 4 now!" She ordered leaving no room for argument as Aubrey took off at a sprint. Chloe watched her leave and then turned to Gail.
"Geez that bad huh," Chloe queried and Gail rested a hand on the redheads forearm, gently pulling her towards a nearby on call room and closing the door behind them.
"Chloe I need you to listen carefully to what I'm about to say and do as I ask. I need you to be a wife right now, not a doctor."
At this Chloe's heart started racing in her chest and she felt a knot forming in her stomach as Gail's face began to show cracks of emotion.
"Gail..." she whispered, barely finding her voice, "Gail what's going on you're scaring me."
Gail briefly glanced down at the floor to compose herself and took a deep breath, forcing the Chief of Medicine mask back into place and banishing the friend that wanted desperately to appear.
"The paramedics brought Beca in a couple of minutes ago. There was a shoot out down at the docks..."
Before Gail could even finish, Chloe unleashed a chocked sob. She had been there when the first ambulance arrived. She had watched from the bench outside as more ambulance trucks passed through. How could she not have known her wife was one of them?
"How bad is it?" She asked, terrified of the answer. Gail tried to compose her thoughts to answer but it wasn't quick enough for Chloe's rapidly racing mind as she rushed past her superior and out the door.
One by one she barged through curtains and doors looking for the one person who shouldn't have been there, Gail following behind trying desperately to calm the doctor down, but to no avail.
When Chloe reached Trauma Room 4 she burst through the door and almost collapsed to her knees.
Aubrey glanced up from where she had been applying thick gauze bandages over a bulllet hole that was oozing blood at an alarming rate. Her mouth dropping open in shock as she gazed from the redhead at the door back down to the police detective who had been drifting in and out of consciousness.
"Ch...Chlo...," came the strangled voice and Aubrey turned to see denim blue eyes staring unfocused up at her as if pleading for her to bring her the one person she desperately wanted.
"Chloe she needs you," Aubrey shouted over the hustle and bustle around the room, the ginger somehow finding the strength to cross the room and reach the opposite side of the bed of where Aubrey was standing.
She gazed down to find that her wife's shirt had been ripped open and a chest drain inserted to clear the blood from her lungs, then she looked up to find Aubrey's gloved hands pressing down over the bullet hole, the thick bloody gauze beneath them doing little to stop the flow.
And then finally her eyes locked on her wife and she reached down and gripped her hand, hugging it close to her chest. Beca seemed to finally focus on the halo of red hair next to her bed.
"C-c-chlo," Beca stuttered, adrenaline and shock running on high as a tear slipped past her defences. Chloe leaned down and combed her fingers through her wife's hair pressing her lips to her forehead.
"I'm here baby, it's okay. It's gonna be okay," Chloe whispered, her own tears falling at an unstoppable rate. Gail watched on from the doorway powerless to stop the interaction now that Beca was aware of Chloe's presence.
Aubrey looked to her Chief wondering what to do and how best to proceed. Gail simply gave her that look, the one that told her that the couple needed this moment, as they may never get to have another one and Aubrey briefly faltered in her work, before quickly pulling herself together and reapplying pressure to Beca's chest wound.
While the rest of the world continued to move around them, Chloe and Beca remained lost inside their own bubble, paying no attention to anything but each other. Beca groaned in pain, eyes screwing shut before returning to her wife.
"I'm sc- I'm scared Chlo," Beca mumbled, swallowing thickly. Chloe could see the fear in wife's eyes and she knew she needed to do everything in her power to make it okay.
"You have nothing to be scared of, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere I promise." Chloe gripped Beca's hand tighter and levelled her with her most determined look, and Beca squeezed back as tightly as she could.
"I do-don't w-wanna leave y-you," Beca cried and Chloe's heart broke but she couldn't let Beca see that. She couldn't allow her wife to carry that pain along with her fear so she shook her head to rid herself of that feeling.
"Then don't. Don't leave me. Fight this, fight for us!" Chloe pleaded, trying desperately to motivate her wife to hang on.
She didn't want to let on to Beca that anything was wrong but in the distance she could hear the machines around her dipping as Beca's body began to slowly shut down.
She knew what each noise meant having experienced the loss of a patient, the near misses of close calls, the sounds that made every hair on Chloes body stand on end.
Beca was dying.
Too many years of training and experience made her all too aware of when the fight was already over. And so began the inner conflict within Chloe of being a wife determined to save Beca's life, and being a doctor who knew that the only thing she could offer at this point was comfort.
Chloe turned her head to gaze at Aubrey briefly, her heartbreak written all over her face, and gave her the nod of the head they were both all to familiar with to indicate that she should cease all medical practice and simply administer more pain relief.
As Aubrey stood back and requested the medication, Chloe's heart shattered as she pressed her forehead to her wife's and closed her eyes against the sobs threatening to burst free from her chest.
Once Aubrey administered the drug into Beca's line, the detective was almost instantly relieved of her pain and she gasped at how light she felt.
C-Chlo…. I feel…. I feel better," Beca's airy voice rasped, her speech slurred from the effects of the drugs and the energy that was being purged from her body as it gave into the inevitable.
At those words, Chloe pressed a kiss to Beca's forehead and lingered their, eyes screwed shut as she willed back the tears and gave herself a moment to collect herself.
"Good, that's good Bec's," Chloe muttered as she pulled back just enough to gaze into her wife's unfocused eyes.
But something in Chloe's ocean blues brought clarity to Beca and for the briefest of instances, it was like she could read between the lines of everything that was going on around her, and Chloe saw it too.
She saw the very second that Beca looked into her eyes and realised that she was dying, and that the end was coming, and it broke everything inside of Chloe. Because she had failed her.
In all her years spent saving lives, she had failed the very one that meant more to her than anything else in the world
"I….I….love you….so much," Beca wheezed, her breath now becoming weaker and thinner.
"Y-you are the b….best thing that's ever h-happened to me. You compl….completed me."
Chloe cupped Beca's cheek and kissed her with everything she had, everything she hoped encompassed how much and how fiercely Chloe had loved her since the day they met, and how much she would love her for the rest of her life.
"I love you more then you'll ever know," Chloe whispered against her lips, placing one more soft, gentle kiss there before she leaned back to look into her eyes.
Only she didn't meet Beca's beautiful denim blues. Instead she was met with the serene face of a women who looked like she was sleeping peacefully, and then, the all too somber sound of a flatline.
"No, no no no no no, Beca NO!" Chloe sobbed, as she scooped her wife's upper body up into her arms and held her tight.
She didn't care about the blood she didn't care about all the wires and tubes still attached. One of the surgical team went to try and move Chloe away so they could remove all of the equipment, but Gail held her back, shaking her head as tears escaped her own eyes.
She then turned to Aubrey and tipped her head at her to say the words that needed to be said for the record, but that nobody wanted to hear. Aubrey sucked down a gulp of air to try stem her own tears as she stuttered over her words.
"Time of…time of death, 4:22pm."
And from that point on the only sound that registered to the people in the room as one by one the monitors were shut down, was the wailing of a woman who had lost the love of her life.
****Begin Again****
Aubrey stepped into the pitch black on call room, eyes instantly taking in the silhouette of the lone figure sat on the floor, back pressed against the edge of the bed.
No one had dared approach Chloe since Beca was wheeled out of the ER to be taken care of. They knew she needed time, though how much was anyones guess.
Aubrey had waited several hours but couldn't take waiting any longer. She needed to check on her best friend, needed to be sure that Chloe was still present and hadn't been consumed completely by grief.
As she stepped into the room, she didn't speak a word as she closed the door behind her and crossed the room, carefully lowering herself to the ground next to the redhead who was completely zoned in on the object in her hands.
It was a picture frame, but she couldn't quite make out what the picture was, it was slightly grainy and Aubrey was about to give up when the sliver of moonlight shimmering through the blinds of the window cast a momentary light of the image and Aubrey's heart stuttered in her chest.
"Chloe, are you, are pregnant?" Aubrey whispered, almost afraid to speak too loudly in case the fragile woman next to her shattered into a million pieces.
Chloe swallowed thickly around the lump in her throat and the onslaught of tears threatening to break through. She heaved out a stuttered breath as a few tears slipped from her eyes.
"We started IVF last year and we'd been trying for a while," Chloe explained her eyes lingering on the sonogram she'd framed.
"I just found out yesterday. I was gonna surprise Beca tonight," Chloe cried, reaching up her hand to cover her mouth and quell the sound of her sobs as they broke free.
Aubrey wrapped her arms and Chloe and held her close, hand stroking her hair as she tried desperately to find words to somehow alleviate the gravity of the situation but she could think of nothing.
Beca was gone, she would never meet her child and Chloe was facing into a future as a single parent without the support of the love of her life to help her through what should've been the happiest time of their lives.
It was so unfair. So unjust.
"Bree," Chloe muttered as she pulled back, gazing into her friends eyes with tears in her own, he hand resting on her stomach where a bump would soon show.
"We used Beca's egg. This baby, it's h-her," Chloe choked out realising that though Beca was gone, part of her was now growing inside of Chloe, depending on her to nurture them and grow them, take care of them.
Aubrey cupped Chloe's face in the palm of her hands and glanced deep into her eyes, that steely determined look that had carried her through college and medical school and her internship coming to the fore as Aubrey decided there and then to take the wheel of the ship and help guide it through treacherous waters.
"No matter what, I am here for you, whatever you need. This baby will grow up with more love than it could ever ask for," Aubrey said, stroking away the tears that were free falling down Chloe's cheeks.
"And everyone will make sure that they know how awesome their mom was. And how much she wanted them. You're not alone in this you hear me?" Aubrey said and Chloe broke.
"She's gone Bree. Beca's gone."
With that Chloe's wailing echoed around the room as she mourned the love of her life. Tears free falling as if every memory, every piece of happiness Chloe had felt since meeting Beca was trying to physically escape her body.
****Begin Again****
One Year Later….
Chloe carefully navigated the familiar path down the cemetery, her heart skipping a beat the closer she got to her destination, the sound of the birds chirping, trees lightly billowing in the wind joined by the sound of the wheels of a stroller rolling against the pavement beneath it.
Coming to a stop, Chloe pressed her foot down on the wheel brakes and reached down into the stroller, pushing back the cover as she carefully extracted the tiny baby that had been resting comfortably inside.
The little grunts and gurgles of the infant brought a smile to Chloe's face as she adjusted the little pink cap on her head and held her snugly against her chest.
Little Olivia Rebeca Mitchell had arrived safely into the world a mere three months ago with all the attitude Chloe had expected of a Mitchell.
She was the tiniest little thing and the moment she had been laid in Chloe's arms, the redhead was smitten.
Pregnancy had been tough on Chloe, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Every doctors appointment, every Lamaze class, every shopping outing, had been an all too painful reminder of her wife's absence.
The ache in Chloe's chest and the grief never lessened, however the moment she heard her daughters heartbeat for the first time, the moment she laid eyes on her for the first time, those moments healed her in ways she never thought possible.
Because in Olivia, Chloe could see Beca, not just physically, but in her personality. In her daughter, her wife lived on and that had helped Chloe to keep moving forward on days when she thought she couldn't.
Aubrey had been a god send. She had moved in with the redhead to be there for her throughout the pregnancy and stayed on to help out with Olivia until Chloe found a rhythm she was comfortable with.
She had been the support Chloe needed through everything and Jesse had stepped up to be a male presence in Olivia's life, helping to put together the nursery and taking care of odd jobs around Chloe's apartment.
He had taken to his role as uncle with the same ferocity as he had his partnership with Beca. Whatever Olivia and Chloe needed, Jesse was there, no questions asked.
Once a week they would all have dinner together, Chloe's way of thanking them and keeping them actively involved in Olivia's life, but even then there were moments where she couldn't help but miss Beca's presence.
"Hey Bec's," Chloe smiled as she took a seat on the bench that had been positioned right in front of Beca's grave, Olivia now facing away from her mothers chest so she could see everything around her.
Before them stood a concrete stone that had been carved with delicate lettering to indicate whose resting place it was
Various little trinkets and flowers littered the grave and Chloe had placed a lantern to one side with a small stuffed teddy bear inside that had the word Mommy stitched across its belly and a battery operated candle.
On the other side, sat another lantern. This one housed two pictures, one of Beca and Chloe on their wedding day and the other, a picture of Olivia when she was just a day old.
"I talked to your Mom the other day. Liv and I are gonna spend the summer with her in Seattle and catch up with my parents in Portland," Chloe said as she filled her wife in on the events of the last few days.
A gentle breeze gushed past them, and Chloe's eyes shut at the sensation. It was like Beca was communicating with them, signalling her approval of everything she had heard.
"I talked to Gail about what I wanna do when I go back to work," Chloe started, stopping momentarily when Olivia started to fuss.
"I'm not ready to go back to surgery full time yet. Not while Liv's so young. I just need more time with her, and, away from there."
Chloe had found being in the hospital difficult since the day Beca died. Everything just reminded her of her wife. The hospital was where they had met, it was where Chloe had patched her up on numerous occasions and ultimately where Beca had died.
It was hard for her, and she didn't think it would ever get easier. The sound of a machine flatlining was never something a doctor wanted to hear, but for Chloe, it now held a different meaning that made it even harder to hear.
After talking to Gail, Chloe had decided to extend her maternity and take some time away from the city. She needed to be somewhere that held happier memories, somewhere Beca loved and she instantly thought of Seattle.
She remembered all the stories Beca had told her about her childhood there, of camping and going on boat trips on the feerryand hiking on the weekends. The road tips up and down the Pacific Coast Highway. Activities that weren't too dissimilar to Chloe's own upbringing in Portland.
They reminded her of the trips they had taken together, drinking coffee at Beca's favourite spot or perusing the local record store for hours on end.
She needed time to breathe. She needed to go somewhere she could be with her daughter and feel surrounded by Beca. New York was home, but it somehow felt hollow now.
Gazing down at her daughter, Chloe choked back the tears threatening to spill over and she pressed her lips to the top of her daughters head.
"I miss you so much Bec's. Every single second of every day. And it hurts so much," Chloe whimpered as a few tears escaped her.
Then, a tiny little hand latched onto Chloe's pointer finger, as if sensing that she needed comfort in that moment, and Chloe smiled through the pain.
"But this little one," Chloe started dropping another kiss to her daughters head, "she makes it easier. She's my reason to keep going."
As Chloe gazed down at Olivia she was instantly flooded with happy memories from the last few months. Glimmers of light that penetrated the darkness and released the chokehold on Chloe's heart.
"When she wakes up in the morning, she's always got this cute little side smile, reminds me so much of you," Chloe giggled.
"And when she's restless, I'll put on you're record player and dance around the living room with her. She loves music Bec's, so much. No matter what's going on it always calms her."
Chloe reached up a hand and wiped away her tears, trying to gather her composure.
"Your Mom she uh, she got a memorial bench just like this one at your favourite spot at the park, right under that big oak tree you used to play under as kid. I'm gonna take Liv there on a picnic."
Gazing at the headstone Chloe took in the dates that signified the entirety of her wife's life span and the significance of the date itself.
"It's not fair. You should be here with us, we should be celebrating our anniversary, but you're not. And I'll never be okay with that."
Chloe reached up her hand and instantly found purchase on the infinity loop pendent hanging from her necklace. The very necklace Beca had gifted her exactly one year ago.
"I love you so much Bec's. I always have and I always will. Nothing will ever change that."
Standing up Chloe adjusted her hold on Olivia and walked toward her wife's headstone. She kissed her fingertips and then pressed them against the cold stone hoping somewhere out there, Beca could feel it and know it was her.
Making her way back to the stroller, she placed her daughter back inside and tucked her up. She then reached under it and removed the bouquet of lowers that she had tucked there earlier.
Approaching the grave, she nestled them in the vacant pot just in front of her wife's headstone, adjusting the little note card inside of it, and when she was happy they were secure, she stood back up.
"Happy anniversary baby."
With that she went back to the stroller and began pushing it back down the pathway and out of the cemetery, intent on spending the day with her daughter reminiscing on the day she met Beca for the first time.
****Begin Again****
One month later….
Strolling along the waterfront in Seattle, Chloe took in the boats that dotted the water, Olivia strapped to her chest making little sounds here and there.
It was a nice day out, sun shining and birds chirping. The complete opposite of the last time she had visited when it had rained the entire time.
As she came to a stop she noticed a woman standing just a couple of feet away looking out at the cruise boats, her long dirty blonde hair flickering in the slight breeze that brushed along the pier.
"It's beautiful out there," Chloe said gaining the other woman's attention who gave her a small smile.
"My husband used to come here and take rides on the ferry to clear his head. He was obsessed with the damn things," the woman replied. Chloe grinned at her.
"My wife grew up here. It's funny, she used to come here with her dad on the weekends and take the ferry before her parents divorced."
The other woman regarded her for a moment, something in Chloe's demeanour and the tone of her voice bringing a sense of familiarity to her as if she could tell she had been through a lot, then she stuck her hand out for Chloe to shake.
"I'm Meredith," the woman said and Chloe shook her hand.
"Chloe."
Meredith smiled down at the little baby tucked against the redheads chest, her grin growing as she was reminded of her own kids.
"Are you visiting Seattle with your wife?" She asked.
Chloe faltered for a second. She had been so used to New York and people knowing about her situation that she'd never had to explain it before. It caught her off guard.
"Uh no, my wife, she passed away last year," Chloe said, and Meredith tipped her head in understanding.
"My husband died a couple of years ago," Meredith replied.
There was no 'I'm sorry to hear that' no words of condolences just a simple exchange of information, because in that simple fact, Meredith was telling Chloe that she understood. That she knew how empty those words would be.
Because they didn't change anything, they didn't offer the person receiving them any comfort. Instead what Meredith gave her was understanding and a sense of kinship in their shared grief. There was no need for words. They knew. Chloe looked at her for a moment.
"Does it ever get easier?" Chloe asked, needing to know if the ache in her chest would ever lessen.
Meredith shrugged her shoulders and exhaled a deep breath, shaking her head.
"No," she said and then took a minute to take in Chloe's sinking shoulders.
"It never gets easier, but you do somehow learn to grow stronger, more resilient. You learn to navigate the pain so that it doesn't consume you anymore," Meredith explained and Chloe took in every word.
"The truth is you learn to appreciate it, because that pain, is reminding you of how much you loved them, and how much they meant to you. And I'd rather feel that than feel nothing at all."
Chloe took those words in and sat with them for a moment. She'd never thought of it that way before, about how her pain was a reflection of how hard and fiercely she had loved her wife.
The more she thought about it the more sense it made. Just as her love for Beca had been all consuming, her pain was now reflecting that very feeling.
It was literally her hearts way of holding onto feeling. Holding onto Beca. The pain wasn't trying to cripple her, it was trying to keep her in touch the very thing that gave her life.
Chloe realised in that moment that Meredith was right. If her pain was a reflection of how much she had loved and still loved Beca, she would rather carry that with her for the rest of her life, then spend it feeling nothing at all.
Because to Chloe, feeling nothing at all would be an insult to Beca's memory. She deserved to be missed, she deserved to be so loved and cherished even though she was no longer physically present to receive it.
One day Chloe would learn to live side by side with her pain in a way that motivated her to keep living for her wife, but for now, she would allow herself to sit with her grief and learn from it.
Observing Meredith for a moment, Chloe decided to throw caution to the wind and ask her for coffee. In the brief few moments they had been chatting she felt like she had learned more than she had in the past year.
There was something about Meredith, she carried an air of wisdom about her like someone who had been through a lot and could offer worldly advice, and Chloe needed that right now. Especially from someone who understood what she was going through.
"Hey, this probably sounds totally strange and I don't normally do this but, do you maybe wanna go sit somewhere and have coffee?" Chloe asked.
"It's just, I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about everything in a really long time and, it'd be nice to talk to someone who actually gets it and isn't just listening to be sympathetic."
Meredith stood there for a moment, hands in her coat pockets. It wasn't usually in her nature to go out of her way like this outside of her job, but she could tell Chloe needed it. And having been in her position, she could understand why.
"Sure. There's a place just five minutes from here. They do good coffee and doughnuts," Meredith offered.
Chloe readily accepted and the two women set off down the pier in the direction Meredith guided them in.
An hour later, after Chloe divulged the details of her wife's death and Olivia's arrival, Meredith interjected.
"So what brought you to Seattle?" She asked. Chloe, who had been nursing Olivia, looked up at the question.
"Beca loved it here," Chloe responded with sincerity in her tone.
"We both made New York home but, Seattle was always in her veins. It's calmer here, and even with her parents divorce she still always had happy memories here. I just needed to be somewhere happier. Somewhere that isn't tainted by what happened," Chloe answered honestly, eyes dropping down to Olivia as she stroked her cheek.
"Plus I wanted to introduce her to her moms roots."
As Olivia suckled away, Chloe reached out and grabbed a hold of her decaf coffee, taking a sip and placing the cup back down on the table.
"It's lighter here. It's like I can feel Beca around the place everywhere I go."
Meredith sat back in her chair taking in everything Chloe said. She observed the way the woman wistfully glanced out the window at the surroundings and how her shoulders seemed to relax.
"Did you say you were a cardiothoracic surgeon?" She asked, brow furrowed in curiosity.
Chloe nodded, a little 'uh-huh' answering the question for her as she adjusted her shirt and began to burp Olivia.
"I'm the Chief of Surgery at Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital here in Seattle, and I, am currently looking for a new Chief of Cardiothoracics. How would you like to interview for the job?"
Chloe chuckled as she settled Olivia back down into her arms, her face growing stoic when she noticed that Meredith wasn't laughing.
"Wait seriously?" Chloe asked, mouth bobbing up and down not quite believing what she was hearing. Meredith nodded her head.
"You said it yourself, everything is lighter here. Olivia would be closer to her Mom's roots. Why not give it a shot? We're one of the leading research hospitals in the country you could really branch out and grow here."
Chloe stuttered and stammered trying to find words. She would be lying if she said that her heart wasn't really in New York anymore. But to move all the way across the country? Away from her friends, away from her colleagues? It was a lot to process. And Meredith sensed this
"Look I'm not asking you to take the job. It's just an interview. Who knows a fresh start might be exactly what you need. It seems like this place agrees with you."
Chloe thought about it, but she still seemed unsure. So Meredith picked up her wallet reached inside and pulled out a business card with her contact details on it and handed it to Chloe.
"Look you're here for the whole summer. Why don't you take a week to think about it and call me. If you want I can arrange to show you around the hospital so you can get a feel for the place."
Chloe accepted the card and glanced over the perfectly neat lines of the information printed across it. The least she could do was think about it.
It would be nice being closer to home and to her own parents, and Grey Sloan was one of the top hospitals in the country, it would be amazing for her career, especially in helping her build on the research she had already conducted in the years prior.
"Okay, I'll think about it," Chloe finally replied, and Meredith grinned at her before glancing at her watch and realising she was late.
"Shoot I gotta go pick my kids up. Call me when you wanna arrange that tour," she said before dropping a $20 bill on the table and heading out the door.
Chloe tracked her every movement until the sound of her daughter grunting in discontent at being ignored drew her attention towards her.
"Well that was something," Chloe said as Olivia gurgled away to herself.
Maybe Meredith was right, maybe in Seattle she could finally shrug her shoulders of the weight of New York she had been carrying around and just be a mother and a doctor. Make a home somewhere that Olivia would be able to get a sense of Beca and who she was.
"What do you say kid? Should I call her?"
****Begin Again****
Six Months Later….
Climbing out of her car, Chloe slung the strap of her messenger bag on her shoulder and closed the door, pressing the lock button on her key fob.
Strolling across the car park she stepped inside the glass foyer of the building and made her way to the large reception desk. A young woman popped her head up and greeted her.
"Hi can I help you?" She asked and Chloe opened her mouth to respond, but she was cut off by the sound of a voice carrying from the staircase off to the side.
"Dr. Beale I've been expecting you."
Chloe turned to find Meredith standing on the last step of the stairs, several charts under her arm and her hand tucked into the pocket of her white coat.
She came down the last step and crossed the distance sticking her hand out to shake Chloe's in greeting.
"Mallory," Meredith said acknowledging the receptionist, "this is Dr. Chloe Beale, Grey Sloans new Head of Cardiothoracics."
Chloe grinned at Meredith as she shook her hand again.
"Mitchell. It's Dr. Chloe Mitchell actually."
Meredith grinned warmly at Chloe understanding the significance behind the name change, before gesturing for her to follow her down the hall.
"I hope you brought your favourite scrub cap. They're kind of iconic around this place," Meredith chuckled and Chloe nodded.
"I did actually. I think it'll inspire me here," she replied as her mind drifted to the surgical cap tucked safely inside her bag decorated in musical notes, a gift she had received years ago from her wife when they were still just dating.
As they stepped into the elevator, Chloe leaned back against the metal wall as Meredith answered a phone call and took a minute to breathe.
The place felt oddly serene. There were no ghosts here, no memories of what she had left behind at her old work place. It felt, like a new beginning. Chloe didn't know what the future had in store for her or Olivia. She didn't know what this new chapter in Seattle would entail or how it would play out. But one thing she knew for sure, was that no matter where she went, not matter where she ended up, and no matter how the rest of her life panned out, Beca Mitchell would always have a home in Chloe's heart.
As Meredith wrapped up her call, the elevator came to a stop on the floor that would become Chloe's new stomping grand and she turned and looked at the redhead standing behind her.
"Well Dr. Mitchell, are ready to begin again?" Meredith asked and Chloe took a deep breath and gazed out the now open elevator doors.
"Yeah, I'm ready."