AN: So I wrote this basically just after OC episode 1x04, and intended to post that before the next episode would air, but never finished it in time and then life got in the middle and this one fell forgotten in my half-finished story folder.
Turns out it just needed a bit editing. Therefore I made no changes in plot-wise and it has no spoilers to any following episodes.
Hope you like it.
***SVU***
There was quiet knocking on the door.
Olivia put down her coffee mug and went to open the door. She glanced at her watch and for a second she couldn't think of anyone who'd come to her at this hour. Once she looked through the peephole, she rolled her eyes – of course it was him, who else?
She opened the door.
"You weren't picking up your phone," he said with much better composure than both of them expected.
"You ignored my calls for months," she shot back.
"Ouch," he said and winced.
She felt the urge to apologize, but didn't. Instead she opened up the door for him and let him enter her new apartment. He'd been at her old place more times than either of them could count, but he hadn't been to her new place yet.
He walked in and looked around. He was looking around like searching for something or someone.
"Noah is in school," she said as if she was reading his mind. "Coffee?" she asked.
He nodded and followed her into the kitchen island. In her old place he always felt like in a way it was his place as well – as if he belonged there, but in this apartment he felt like an intruder – he was a stranger to her now and he didn't have a place in the life she had built after his departure. At least for now.
Uncomfortably he took a seat by the kitchen counter, while Olivia poured him a cup of coffee and placed it in front of him. She took her own mug and sipped it with thirst.
"So about last night…" he started, paused and ran his hand over his face. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and turned to her, searching for the brown eyes he adored.
Olivia didn't say anything. She was giving him a chance. He was more composed than he had been the night before. Maybe the intervention had worked after all.
"I'm sorry you got dragged into this," he said sincerely.
Olivia placed down her mug.
"They are worried about you," she said seriously. "Kathleen was," she stopped and tried to find words to describe her meeting in the café. Kathleen had been distressed to point of almost begging Olivia to help, she was on the verge of breaking down herself. She had lost her mother and she didn't want to face the possibility of losing her father as well, but Olivia didn't necessarily want to tell Elliot just how much of a mess Kathleen was. "She was really worried," she finished.
"You told her about the PTSD?" he asked with slight accusation in his tone. He was back to being defensive, but not as much as he'd been the night before.
Olivia shook her head. "She told me about it. She also said that they have tried talking to you about it," she said.
Elliot twitched. He moved his head and looked away, then turned back to her. He picked up his coffee mug, sipped and put it back on the counter.
"Elliot, they are really worried about you," she continued talking. Her voice was calm and soft, Elliot had heard her use the same tone with the victims so many times he'd recognize it from anywhere. It felt slightly different though. "They lost one parent, they don't want to lose another one," she said heavily.
He didn't say anything for a long time. His fingers were around the mug, while he stared at the table in front of him. Finally, he lifted his eyes to meet hers.
"I'm not going anywhere," he said, but he didn't sound too convincing.
"At this rate, I wouldn't be so sure," she said roughly, she was probably a bit harsher than she intended, but it was probably for the best.
It must've hit a nerve. Olivia walked around and sat down next to him. She took his hand in hers, his first reaction was to pull away, but he found instant comfort in her like his body could still recall the way her presence could comfort him all those years ago.
"I don't wanna lose you again," she admitted quietly, but it was loud enough for him to hear.
"Liv," he said, he was blinking his eyes at rapid speed, while his pupils focused on seemingly everything around him, and finally settled on Olivia, but he avoided her eyes. He moved his other hand over hers. "I'm not going anywhere," he repeated, this time she believed him.
"Look, about last night," he continued. He paused, but not to remember what had happened – it had been running through his head all night long. She couldn't stop thinking about his confession either. "I meant it," he said, he found her eyes and gazed into them. Strangely he felt calm, like all the tension had left his body. Her skin had aged, but it was still as soft as he remembered.
"Liv, I love you," he repeated, this time it was intentional not just something that slipped out when he saw her. "I have always loved you," he added.
"Then stop pushing me away," she replied. She didn't say it back, but she didn't not say it back either. He wasn't even sure if he expected to hear that from her, after all it had been 10 years.
"I'm not pushing you away," he was defensive, but even he knew that he had been pushing her away and he couldn't quite understand why. Maybe he was doing that out of respect for Kathy – he couldn't have another woman he loved so deeply around him, when he had just buried his wife. Or maybe he did that out of fear that something could happen to her, and he couldn't lose her too. And he definitely didn't want her to see him vulnerable like this, he wanted to be the man she knew years ago as her partner, her protector. He wanted to be that guy for her. And he really wanted to be around her again.
Olivia rolled her eyes.
"You are and I am trying to give you some space, but I don't want to see you get hurt," she said softly. He could hear the fear in her voice.
"I'm drowning," he admitted.
Olivia nodded.
"I try to swim to the shore, but it's like something's pulling me deeper into the ocean. I can't seem to let it go. I don't want to scare my children, I don't want to scare you," he spoke weakly.
"They are scared for you," she said. It was probably another thing he needed to hear from her.
"I know," he admitted, he noticed how she didn't say if she was scared of him too, but then again she hadn't been scared of him before. "I don't know how to make it easier for them."
Olivia stood from the chair next to him, closed the distance between them and placed her hand on his shoulder.
"If you love me," she started.
"I do," he confirmed quicky.
A quick smile flashed on her lips, but it was gone by the time she spoke again. "Then let me carry some of your weight, let me pull you to the dry land and stop you from drowning," she spoke with compassion and a hint of motherly care. "Let me in, Elliot."
"Liv," he said weakly, his hand slipped around her midsection.
"I've been there, I can take it," she said.
Before he could stop himself, he had pressed his face against her chest and tears were rolling down his cheeks. He wrapped his other hand around her as well and pulled her against him.
"I'm not okay," he admitted quietly.
Olivia tilted her head and smiled a bit. Admitting the problem was a good sign. Also, an important step towards managing the problem.
He released her, she took a step back and sat back on the chair next to him. He took her hand in his and placed his other palm on her knee. She didn't flinch or ask him to remove it.
"Liv," he breathed.
Elliot stopped. He moved his fingers on her knee, his eyes remained on the floor. "I miss Kathy," he admitted.
"It's only natural, Elliot, you love her," Olivia replied naturally.
"I loved her," he repeated, subconsciously declaring his love in the past tense while she had used the present.
"I keep seeing her, but then she fades, and I can't hold onto her. And then all the memories start, I keep replaying good times and then I get all of these regrets – things I should've done and everything I should've said," he spoke weakly.
"It's only natural, Elliot, it's part of the grieving process," she assured him. Her memories with Ed Tucker were still playing in her head, regrets for how things ended and all the things she wished she'd said to him.
"You don't understand," he said roughly. He squeezed her fingers in his and lifted his head, his eyes met hers. "I start seeing you," he said. She stayed silent. "I keep replaying all the times I chose to work late with you instead of being home with her. I see the times we were undercover. I feel guilty for it. I should've been with her, but I spent all of this time with you instead," he spoke. He swallowed.
Olivia stayed quiet.
"I can't get you out of my head. I can't even think of my dead wife without images of you interfering," he said with frustration.
She furrowed her brow. She didn't know what to say or what to do. She couldn't tell him to stop thinking of her. But then it hit her – why he'd been so determined to make her stay away, why he kept pushing her away, how he made it clear the night before that he didn't ask her to be there. He felt guilty. He felt like he was disrespecting the memory of Kathy with Olivia.
"That's why you've been pushing me away," she stated.
Elliot moved his head to the side, then moved to look back down and nodded like a shy schoolboy.
That would also explain the confession from the night before. If Kathy was running through his mind and then she would pop up – he saw Olivia there with his kids, but in fact he saw Kathy in her. His confession that caught all of them off guard, was not really aimed at her, it was to Kathy, whom he envisioned there with his kids. He never said that to Olivia.
"I feel guilty," he admitted, he lifted his head again. "I can't have you around me again, because every time I see you, all I can think of is that one time you played a prostitute to save our lives. I keep replaying it, I keep seeing you in your bra, I keep feeling you against me. I don't want to feel like that, I can't feel like that," he continued with the confession Olivia didn't expect. She rolled her eyes at the memory, it wasn't one of her finest moments, she wasn't even sure if he'd go for it. At that time taking her top off saved her life (and probably his). She didn't really think of consequences having him see her shirtless would bring. She chose not to focus on feeling his broad muscular chest against her, feeling his arms slip around her protectively and she definitely chose not to focus the bulge she felt through his boxer briefs.
So maybe he was seeing Olivia last night after all. She couldn't say that she hadn't dreamt of it.
"Liv, I just buried my wife," he said heavily. "I can't be around you when all I can think of is how much I love you – how much I've loved you for over 20 years," he confessed.
"Elliot," she spoke finally. She couldn't say anything else, in fact she wasn't entirely sure if it was really happening and if he had actually spoken those words.
"I know," he said heavily as if he'd been reading her mind. "I'm sorry, Liv," he said sincerely.
"Sorry for what?" she asked dumbly.
Elliot took her other hand in his as well and stared at her soft hands in his. "I didn't want to drag you into this, I didn't want to burden you with all of my problems," he said sincerely. She knew what he meant, she could also hear the words he didn't say. He was also apologizing for confessing his feelings for her in such way and making things awkward for them.
"Elliot, for better or worse, I'm your partner," she repeated the words he'd said to her more than 20 years ago.
He chuckled.
"I can't do this, Liv," he admitted and stood from the chair. He dropped her hands from his.
"Do what?" she asked.
She stood from her chair and followed him.
Elliot turned towards her, he looked vulnerable. She'd rarely seen him this vulnerable and raw, he on the other hand had seen her in that state a few times.
"Do what?" she repeated her question.
He covered his face with his hands. He looked fragile even. She wasn't used to seeing him like this, maybe that was part of the problem.
"I can't just show up and ask you to carry me," he said weakly.
Olivia crossed the room so she was standing by his side. She took his hand in hers.
"You're not asking, I'm offering to take it off your shoulders," she said. "Elliot, you need help. You need time to process what happened and grieve. I can help you carry the load, while you make sense of it all."
"Liv," he pleaded.
"Elliot, I'm here for whatever you need," she added.
He looked up at her, then pulled her into him for a tight hug. His hands were around her waist, if he was holding her a bit too tight, she didn't say a word. She wrapped her arms around her neck and closed her eyes. That moment she was the lifeline he needed.
He lost his control and wept while clinging onto her. He cried for the loss of his wife and all the chaos that followed.
"Liv," he whispered.
"It's okay," she replied in a soft whisper.
"I need to get Wheatley off the streets and throw him in the cage," he said with anger in his voice.
"We will get him," she replied confidently.
He pulled away from her and dried off his tears with the back of his hand. Olivia went back to the kitchen counter and took her coffee mug.
Elliot followed suit and took a seat while she decided to keep standing.
"Liv, I know I have PTSD," he finally admitted.
Olivia nodded in agreement.
"I don't know how to deal with it," he said weakly like he was admitting defeat.
"I know a guy, he's good. I can give you his card," Olivia said.
Elliot raised an eyebrow. "I don't think talking to a shrink will make a difference," he said skeptically.
"Give it a shot," Olivia said. "He helped me, when I had it," she added quietly.
Elliot looked up and furrowed his brow.
"It was after you left," she said quickly. "It's a long story, but it's a story for another time," she added, she was not about to go into the details of William Lewis with him, not when she had successfully put that mostly behind her.
But as she realized, if he really loved her and if she was going to allow him to love her and if she was going to give into her own feelings for him, William Lewis would come up and she'd have to tell him about everything. He would see the scars on her body underneath her clothes. Even more if he'd google it, he'd see her televised confession. She'd have to tell her about her perjury, about her use of force and all the lies surrounding the whole ordeal. She would tell him how she wanted to kill Lewis, but even more she wanted him to suffer, and she wanted to inflict all sorts of pain on him. She might have to tell him how Lewis raped an elderly woman in front of her. And maybe she would tell him, how she wished he'd been there during that time and how she was close to picking up her phone again and dialing his number. She never did though.
But William Lewis would have to wait for another day. If and when she makes the decision to open up about the worst thing to happen to her, it would be on her terms, she refused to give Lewis any power over her. And this thing with Elliot would have to wait until Elliot is better and she would set the pace.
"You can tell me anything," he said sincerely, she knew he meant it.
Olivia nodded.
"Not today," she said firmly.
She looked for her bag in the corner of the room and took out Peter Lindstrom's card, she gave that to Elliot. "Call him, you can say that I recommended him," Olivia said.
Elliot took the card, gave it a look and put that in his pocket.
Olivia wasn't sure if he'd give the doctor a call or not, but that's all she could do. It had been 10 years, maybe his dislike for psychologists had vanished. She doubted it though.
"I'll call him tomorrow," he said surprising them both.
He took his coffee mug and drank the now cold coffee.
"I thought SVU was busy, how come you're not at work?" he asked and furrowed his eyebrows.
Olivia sighed.
"My chief gave me a few days off," she said.
"Why?" he asked casually.
Olivia winced, she pushed her hair back from her face and took her coffee mug. "So, yesterday I stumbled into a hostage situation," she said, laughed at the absurdity of it all. "It was a long day and Garland suggested I take a few days off," she explained.
"Are you okay?" he asked instantly, his eyes moved expertly over her looking for any sign of injury. He allowed his gaze to linger briefly over her and admire her body in a way he hadn't for over a decade.
Olivia nodded.
"She wasn't going to hurt me, she just didn't want to lose her restaurant. Nobody got hurt," she brushed it off. "She was so used to taking care of everybody else, that she didn't know how to ask for help, so when they wanted to break her lease, she reacted," Olivia explained.
"Taking care of everybody else around her – that sounds like someone else I know," he said with a chuckle.
Olivia smiled.
Elliot's head fell to his hands, she looked up with pained expression.
"You were held hostage yesterday and after that you walked into my kids intervention just to hear me yell at you," he realized. "Liv, I'm so sorry," he said.
Olivia brushed it off.
"I meant what I said," he said, "I love you, Liv," he repeated his confession. He reached out for her again. "I'm here for you too, whatever you need from me. I can be here for you too, take care of you and Noah," he said sincerely.
Olivia nodded gratefully. She sighed.
"First, you need to take care of yourself," she said seriously. Add that to the long list of things he needed to hear from her.
"I know," he admitted. He slipped his hand into his pocket and took the card for Dr. Lindstrom, he showed that to Olivia with a look that told her he was going to be serious, he was going to call him and make an appointment. He was at least trying to make an effort. She could appreciate that.
He stood up from his seat and gently wrapped his arms around her again. This time he didn't hug her for his benefit, this time it was for hers. She wrapped her hands around him and rested her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes.
"I will do my best to take care of you, Liv," he promised in a whisper. Surprisingly, she believed him – she wanted to believe him.
"Thank you," she whispered.
Elliot kissed her hair softly, he breathed in the scent of her conditioner to realize it wasn't the same one she was using when they were working together, but he liked the scent. It was different, yet familiar. Just like Olivia. She wasn't the same woman he knew years ago, she was someone different, but there were still hints of the Olivia he knew and loved. And he was anxious to get to know the woman she had become in his absence.
As she stood there in his embrace, surrounded by only him and his strong arms around her, she felt safe. She felt safer than she had in a long time and she knew if she were to fall in that moment, he would catch her. And he might've been one of very few people she trusted to catch her. She was yet to trust him with her heart, she wouldn't trust him with Noah's precious, loving, open heart, but she would trust him to keep her safe and to keep her from crashing. Maybe one day she would open up her heart for him and invite him in, but she wasn't ready for that yet, and neither was he.
As his hand moved soothingly on her back, she heard Garland's voice telling her to let someone take care of her. And whereas she wanted to laugh at Garland the night before, now somebody was here promising to do just that, she had to admit, she liked the feeling. And maybe one day she would allow him to take care of her, but not yet. She might've melted into his arms, but she knew it couldn't become a habit yet. He had to take care of himself first, process all of his grief, find himself again and maybe then they would stand a chance.