The next day, it was time for Professor Professor to head off to the funeral. First, however, he needed a fake date, and he needed one quickly. He wanted to test and see if Doctor Doctor still had feelings for him or not. He couldn't help but wonder, though... why was he suddenly so obsessed with making her jealous? He'd told himself that he was done with her after everything she had put him through. So why was he trying to prove something to her now, and during a funeral no less? It was all so confusing, especially when that woman he'd loved so dearly had conspired to make his life hell on a regular basis. Yet he couldn't imagine life without her.
Enough with the ruminations and musings, though. Professor Professor was determined to get himself a fake date, even if he had to do so at the last minute. Enter Hermione Sharma. Professor Professor happened to spot his former classmate while he was taking the London Underground to Professor Bichitaru's funeral. Hermione was a remarkable woman. She had umber skin, dark hair done up in a messy updo, and light green eyes. For the funeral, she decided to dress up in a long-sleeved black dress that reached down to her knees, a heavy black veil, and black high-heel boots.
Hermione noticed the U.Z.Z. scientist almost immediately. "So... you're coming to the funeral, too, huh?"
Professor Professor nodded. "Yes, I'm coming. Professor Bichitaru really touched all of our lives."
Hermione nodded as well. "Indeed."
"So do you want to pretend to be my date to make Doctor Doctor jealous?"
Hermione couldn't help but be caught off-guard by what he just asked. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I want you to pretend we're on a date so I can see if Doctor Doctor will get jealous."
Hermione squinted her eyes at him in irritation. "You know I have a boyfriend already, right?"
He chuckled awkwardly. "No, I didn't, good for you."
"Yeah, his name is Lucas."
"Cool. So then why isn't he coming to the funeral with you?"
"Oh, he had to go to work early. He's been working with the Voltaire Foundation at Oxford."
"Ooh, remarkable. So are you going to be my fake date or not?"
Hermione reluctantly sighed. "Alright, I guess I don't see why not. I'll go ahead and text Lucas about this."
Soon enough, Professor Professor and Hermione had made it to the funeral, which was being held at the Holy Trinity Church. Once inside, they spotted the only pews nearest to them and sat down. Even while they were sitting all the way in the back, the fake couple could tell that the attendants were somber and teary-eyed over having to say goodbye to someone who taught at The School for the Chronically Gifted. At the forefront, a priest went up to the stand and started speaking.
"We're gathered here today to say goodbye to Professor Sayako Bichitaru," the priest began. "I understand every single attendant is here because she touched your life in such a way that might have changed you for better or worse. How she died was truly a horrible way to go. I can only hope that where she's going, she won't have to suffer anymore."
A few attendants murmured in agreement at this. The priest proceeded to go on about Professor Bichitaru and her life story from beginning to end, ending with the way she died.
"As per her husband Professor Zoowottel's wishes, Professor Bichitaru is to be buried in the same Wonder Woman costume she died in, tiara and all," the priest concluded with finality. "Normally, I'd find it weird, but as I said, this was what her husband stipulated she be buried in so who am I to judge?"
A few more attendants just murmured on how odd that was. Why would someone as respected as Professor Zoowottel ask that his wife be buried in the same outfit she died in? Didn't that seem even a little bit sacrilegious?
Professor Professor started scanning the pews for Doctor Doctor, but to seemingly no avail. "Damn."
"What is it?" Hermione asked, genuinely curious.
"I have no idea where Doctor Doctor is sitting, do you?"
Hermione shook her head no. "No clue, though I figure it wouldn't be hard to find her with that goddamn hair of hers."
"No kidding."
"Why do you even care anyway? I thought you were done with her?"
"I am done with her!"
"So then why did you drag me into this?"
"Never mind why, just help me find her."
Hermione shrugged. "Alright, suit yourself."
It didn't take much longer before they eventually spotted her on the same pew as them, sitting just a few inches from them while a gaunt man with cream-colored skin had arm arm around her shoulders. The mystery man was wearing a black two-piece suit with a matching tie, and he had what appeared to be some remnants of bedhead in his black hair to go with his equally messy mustache and goatee. He was also trying to discreetly smoke a ciggie he'd gotten out of a twenty-pack, almost as if to distract himself from wanting to be anywhere but here.
"Oh, there you are," Hermione said, trying to feign surprise. "Who's the man with you?"
"Oh, this is my boyfriend," Doctor Doctor replied, making especially sure to stress the word "boyfriend." "His name is Ahn Min-jun."
Professor Professor couldn't help but find it slightly amusing that Doctor Doctor seemed to have the same idea as him. Well, great minds did tend to think alike, he'd heard. In hindsight, he probably shouldn't have been all that surprised that she would do this. Also, this Ahn Min-jun fellow seemed somewhat familiar... a little too familiar, perhaps. Did Min-jun come with Doctor Doctor because he was the only Expendable she could get to say yes?
"Hello, Min-jun," Professor Professor greeted while trying not to express too much emotion. "It's nice you could come. Have we met before?"
Min-jun tried to reply by denying his inquiry before Doctor Doctor cut him off.
"You certainly have," Doctor Doctor replied. "He happens to be Expendable Vivid Purple Twelve."
Suddenly, Professor Professor thought back to all the times he'd encountered Min-jun while he was working as Expendable Vivid Purple Twelve.
"Does he now?" Professor Professor asked cheekily. "Well, I guess he doesn't mind watching me sit just inches from you with my girlfriend. It must really kill him inside if he has to smoke all those ciggies in here." He made especially sure to stress the word "girlfriend."
All Hermione could do was facepalm in embarrassment. Meanwhile, Min-jun just murmured something that no one could quite understand or hear.
With the funeral done and over with, it was now time to attend the wake at Professor Zoowottel's house. Professor Professor decided to have Hermione stick around for the event despite her protests, determined no matter what to make Doctor Doctor jealous, even if it was just a little bit. Of course, Doctor Doctor seemed to have the same idea and was determined to do the same with Professor Professor.
"God, I'm absolutely famished," Hermione muttered to herself.
"Well, I could get us some food if you want me to," Professor Professor said.
Hermione practically jumped. "Oh, did I say that out loud?"
"It would seem so. Anyway, I'm getting some food. Come with?"
Hermione shook her head. "Nah, I'll just wait for you. Thanks anyway, I guess."
But Professor Professor was too far away to hear her, as he was already off to the table for food and drinks. He started gathering up some portions from dishes Professor Zoowottel had made when he heard someone laughing right near him. He craned his neck around to see...
"Ne-Neville?" Professor Professor stammered.
"Yes, who did you think it was?" Neville replied with a question.
"What are you doing here? Were you one of Professor Bichitaru's students, too?"
"No, I just wanted to be there when your fake date crashed and burned."
Professor Professor gave with an annoyed sigh. "Of course. Wait, how did you know about my fake date?"
"I eavesdropped on you and Hermione on the train ride to the funeral."
"Dammit." Professor Professor started walking back towards Hermione. "I'm just bringing food back for myself and Hermione. Don't follow me, you creep."
Neville didn't even respond. Instead, he went off to find Doctor Doctor and try to hector her. Meanwhile, Professor Professor walked back to Hermione with two plates of food in his hands.
"Neville's here," Professor Professor just said.
"Shit," Hermione practically hissed. "What is he doing here?"
"He said he came because he wanted to be there when our fake date crashed and burned."
"You think he might be doing the same to Doctor Doctor and Min-jun?"
"Maybe." Professor Professor turned around to see Doctor Doctor and Min-jun heading his way. "Speaking of which..."
"Yo, Professor!" Min-jun called out to him in a taunting manner. "Neville tells me you're a little bitch."
"Am not!" Professor Professor yelled at him.
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too! Also, you balding before you're even forty makes me physically cringe."
Professor Professor could feel his blood boiling. "It runs in my family, you dummkopf!"
With that, Professor Professor leaped up into the air and lunged himself at Min-jun's torso and instigated a physical altercation between the two men. Most of the physical altercation was just the two men throwing punches and kicking each other and exchanging petty insults, but Neville thought it was pretty entertaining to watch. Meanwhile, Hermione was hiding her face in embarrassment while Doctor Doctor just started recording the fight to watch later. The cyan-hued woman even giggled at this a few times, her teeth jiggling around like crystals in a chandelier.
"Okay, I think I'll leave now," Hermione announced at the three-minute mark. "I'm supposed to meet up with Lucas for lunch. Bye."
And just like that, Hermione was off leaving the wake. Meanwhile, Professor Professor and Min-jun were still fighting. The fighting only seemed to stop when Min-jun threw Professor Professor away from himself, not realizing that he happened to throw him in Doctor Doctor's path until it was too late. When the dust settled, Professor Professor had his face buried in Doctor Doctor's cleavage, his arms wrapped around her torso, her arms wrapped around his whole body, and one of his feet resting dangerously close to her crotch. Doctor Doctor's glasses also happened to be askew, and she was blushing intensely.
"Sorry, Doctor Doctor!" Min-jun quickly apologized. "I didn't mean to do that!"
Then as if on cue, Professor Professor and Doctor Doctor could hear the familiar voice of Neville's laughter. Doctor Doctor turned her head to see him standing there, laughing like what he was witnessing was the funniest thing in existence.
"What's so funny?" Doctor Doctor asked, annoyed by Neville's laughter.
"I always knew that you two would end up together," Neville replied, still laughing.
"Oh yeah, what makes you say THAT?"
"Isn't it obvious, my dear Doctor? Just look where his face is!"
Angered and humiliated to her very core, Doctor Doctor forced herself to put on a calm facade and then asked Professor Professor to get off her for a second.
Professor Professor quickly did as told, assuming that she was getting ready to kick his ass. Instead, she channeled her anger towards Neville and then walked over to where he was. She then kicked the sniveling little git hard enough in the crotch that he squealed in pain while cupping his privates and fell over to his side.
"Wow," Professor Professor could just bring himself to say. "That... was wunderbar! Talk about brutal."
"Well, he did have it coming," Doctor Doctor replied.
"Yeah. Hey, do you want to get out of here? My fake date's been a total disaster."
"I don't see why not. So has mine."
And so the two rivals left their former engineering professor's wake together.